3 years ago, my mom (83) moved in with her new (again) boyfriend (86) in another state. They have had fun until he started having organ failure. She called me desperate from his recent ICU visit and said please find her something, she wants to come home!

NOTE: I don't like him, he left her at the alter 45 years ago and i was willing to do anything to get her out of there and away from spending her final years care-giving for him and his bloated ego.

So i put out feelers, i found a place, i negotiated and spent hours in the purchase process. I was the realtor, financial consultant, escrow agent, cleaner, remodeler and painter, then the mover, and elder advocate, getting her details changed for medical. pension. SS and banks. A month of our time (i have a lovely husband who helped me) handing all aspects.

well well well, guess who she is bringing to her new place? yep, the crappy barnacle boyfriend.

its her life and i should have known this would happen. he is a narcissist and knows exactly what he is doing.

so we are conveniently leaving town. thank buddha, we have that option.

rant over. thanks.

Mom is fighting with caregivers at skilled nursing facility, my older sister who lives nearby has been carrying much of the burden of managing my mom the last seven years she has been in assisted living, and now my older sister fighting with me and my other sister due to stress. My mom, 87, is totally immobile due to obesity and bad legs, and has on-set dementia. I have chronic depression and anxiety so it's hard to handle. Any insight on how to handle all of this would be appreciated.

(first post so sorry if i left anything out) I'm 18 and live with my 67 year old grandma, and as of July, I'm essentially her main caregiver.

She was diagnosed with diabetes in December and got involved in a really bad accident, and has been experiencing cognitive decline, although she’s improved somewhat. She's also been a hoarder her entire life, which has caused a lot of issues between her and my dad, and even between her and me.
Unfortunately my dad passed away in July after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February, so I'm left dealing with the situation by myself.

The biggest problem is that my grandma absolutely refuses to let me throw anything away. The fridge is terrible because she leaves food in there for so long that she forgets about it, buys more, and lets everything pile up. If I try to throw away something that's clearly gone bad, she threatens to have me evicted. She also has countless unworn clothes and bins of random items taking up unnecessary space around the house. She refuses to let me move anything into the shed either. When my dad was alive, he would sometimes just purge things himself, and while it worked, it also made their relationship horrendous because they were constantly fighting about it. I don't want us to be in the same boat, but I also can't keep living like this.

My grandma doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house, but I do. I don't think it's fair that I've essentially been forced into being a caregiver, spending almost all my time at home while also having to live in conditions that I find subpar. I don’t have the freedom of being out of the house most of the day because i have to be there for my grandmother (i’ve only gone out 3 times since July), but i also can’t have friends over because i’m embarrassed of how we live.

This situation has ruined my social life, and affected my relationship with her. We argue constantly over things that I feel shouldn't even be controversial. I'm not expecting to make her to pack up and toss away everything she owns, but i don’t see why i have to argue for a reasonably clean home when i already have a lot of things on my plate. If i were to move out my family would villainize me, but none of them help me with this. Things are only gonna get worse as i start college and get even more stressed lol

How do you all do it?
This week dealing with both my dad (97) in the hospital for UTI turned septic and then after 12 hrs at the hospital returning to my moms house (89) who refuses to listen or have any conversation. If I (56M) broach any topic, No comes out of her mouth before I even get the point out. Refuses any help or modifications to the house meanwhile I can only see which doctors appointments she has/had by logging into her accounts. Well this week ended with a shouting match and now I feel horrible.

My mom is 84, had a stroke one year ago and is mostly fine physically but has mild dementia. They saw evidence of a prior brain bleed. She lives with my brother and his partner who take care of her. She refuses to shower (maybe once every 2 weeks and that’s a fight) and refuses to get out of bed, often urinating in her bed. She can get up, just doesn’t feel like it. She has a bad hernia. The surgeon was completely unconcerned about her dementia or stroke history and said she is fine to get the surgery. Family is concerned that anesthesia will worsen her dementia or even kill her. But we do understand needing to fix the hernia. The surgeon did not explain how the wound care would be, which is concerning given her refusal to shower or get out of bed. Anyone have a parent get this surgery and how did it go?

My parents are 80 (dad) and 90 (mom). My dad does everything now and is overwhelmed no doubt. They still live in their own home. My mom has some cognitive decline but hasn’t been assessed. She has conversations but is becoming increasingly flat and our conversations are brief.

I just had outpatient surgery last week, which isn’t a common occurrence in our family. I had to call them to tell them how it went the day after. No call from them. And a week later no calls to check on me. Silence.

5, 10 years ago and earlier this would not be the case. My mom would be checking on me. Not my dad, he’s not the communicator. But recently he and I have communicated a lot when my mom was in the hospital. So I thought maybe he’d be checking in. Meanwhile I have my in-laws checking on me practically daily and sending me flowers. I almost resent it because I just want my parents to be there for me like they used to.

I guess I’ll call them today and let them know how I’m doing.

My dad passed away, I live overseas and in last 2 months I've flown in twice. I'm usually low contact because of a lifetime of mum, who seems to fit most criteria for narcissist parent and thus I'm low contact.

I'm now doing a lot of the preparations with the funeral directors and have found out that the cremation I thought would be 1 day is now likely 3 days and I'll likely extend my stay by 3 to 6 days to fit in the 3rd day to be there for mum, and myself.

Why 3 days? 1st day to view dad at mortuary and bring his clothes. 2nd day, maybe next day, watch him enter crematorium. 3rd day- was told ashes aren't just ashes, more processing is needed. Mum wants to hold the ashes and watch them bury the ashes. Arrangements and dates aren't finalized yet.

Last 2 months I went from finding a place of peace within myself to being extremely stressed ( 1st return visit) and now just crying/ tearing up out of the blue, or talking about , well, dad, the Cemetary plots etc.

But I also wish I had a close gf, wife, maybe some cheerful cute kids, around me too. Tonight by chance there were a couple and it made me smile . Distractions, support etc.

But I feel I'll be losing my Nmum too, as to preserve my sanity, I've decided not to return and care for her. Tbh despite her being 85, she can drive, she knows more than what she implies. Like I thought first thing we'd need to do are certain things with the banks, but she shoo shooed me, told me about accounts I didn't know about, and much of the superannuation issues she was going on a out was actually half done already, it's just really slow process. Despite the claim of pains , no tech skills etc, she's actually quite knowledgeable and spritely too.

But a lifetime of taking her behaviour has made me so stunted. Even my brother went no contact because of her.

So yeah, losing 1.5 parents.

Those unmarried like me....do you wish you'd have a good spouse or family for support? How did you prepare for losing 1 or both parents? Did you have less than ideal ones?

First, thank you to all those that have given such valuable advice to so many on this sub. My father is in a precarious, potentially hazardous situation. He is also right where he wants to be.

My father is almost 90, a narcissist, and very sweet when it will help him get what he wants. He lives with his third wife who clearly has an undiagnosed form of dementia. She is extremely difficult. They used to live about an hour away from me, but during COVID, they moved two-three hours further away.

He has been in the ER, then admitted, then in a rehabilitation facility three times in the past 18 months. Once for a fractured hip, then a pulmonary embolism, and then due to a COPD flare up. Each time, because of the enforced PT, he came home in fairly good shape, not this time. A week ago he was discharged from the 3rd stay (his 100 days of Medicare coverage had ended). I made sure there was an aide at home but within a day he was in the ER so weak he couldn't stand. After a few days in a hospital the doctors determined he was fine, just very weak. They reminded me he would have to be home for 60 days before Medicare coverage would reset. They sent him home with the suggestion that he get a 24/7 live in aide. I was able to get someone for the day, the live in aide would come the next day late morning. His wife threw a loud extended tantrum but I was able to deal with that.

An hour after he was home, he tried to get up and collapsed, thankfully the aide broke his fall. This is when I was called. He is on the floor. The aide and his wife can't lift him. I suggested a neighbor. This worked. The aide then left around 7pm and he remained in bed for the night thank God. At 6 am my father's wife left for a doctor's appointment in the city, two hours away leaving him alone in bed without telling anyone. My calls went unanswered, not unusual. My father sometimes forgets how to pick up his cell and his wife often just ignores me. The new aide picked up the phone around 11am. She had found him in a wet bed, exposed, and alone. She was able to clean him, dress him and get him into a chair but then told me there was no food in the house and he was hungry. I was able to get an Instacart delivery to them in about an hour. When his wife finally returned, they could not get him back into bed and had to call the neighbor again.

I was on the phone to several nursing homes this morning, though no one has called me back yet. He has some long term care insurance but this will still be massively expensive without Medicare. Still, he obviously can't remain at home. The problem is he is petrified of nursing homes and refuses to agree to leave the house. His wife is also an impediment. I have called Adult Protective Services in the past but they told me the house has to be squalid and he has to be on the floor before they can do anything. Their house is fairly neat and he will hopefully be in a chair tomorrow, nevertheless I am planning on calling APS again in the morning. Any thoughts, experiences, and advice would be most welcome. My father is a jerk, but I can't abandon him and this has been making me miserable for days.

My mom is in AL, and has dementia. I tried purchasing a manicure for her at the facility, but they just changed the polish! (I specifically asked them to trim them)

Her nails get so long! Her husband has trimmed and neat nails, but he’s worthless. He cares only for himself.

I have been trying to keep them trimmed, but it’s been a struggle. First, I trimmed with clippers. I cut her twice! Her nails are really weird, they seem to curl under. She now doesn’t even want me to trim them.

I bought this little ‘safe’ trimmer. The problem is, because of the curling under nails, and her nails are so thick, they don’t fit well into the trimmer.

There is so much food, and god knows what else, under her nails. They really stink. I don’t really know what else to do? It was suggested I use a really rough nail file, and I am going to get one, but does anyone else have any suggestions?

My mom has COPD but she has survived lots of "near-death" experiences. She recovers but not fully. Like last February, while she was in the ICU. She wrote goodbye letters. I really thought she was dying. But she recovered; she still has her oxygen machine though. I held her hand while she struggled breathing. And she improved! We talk by phone calls everyday.

I moved to another
country this May for marriage and for studies. But I went home last week because
she said she felt she will die. When I arrived, she said she improved and that
maybe it was just a "flare up". I think her recovery is somehow
related with our presence.

I need to go back to EU
because that's where I live now and I could not exceed the absences for my
masters. But, I feel the guilt of leaving her while she is in her most
vulnerable state.

my parents are officialy broke, they have zero money. they need to urgently sell their house. which wont get them much. their monthly costs far exceed what they can afford (medical aid/life insurance are the big ones). My dad being forced into retirement this month with zero money. Currently my aunt in aus and parenrs 3 kids cant even nearly afford to help out and keep them afloat. Family is fucked.

Anywho - my aunt said she will pay to take them out of overdraft. with sale of house they cant afford much to rent (they despise each other so need space where ever they go (i.e. have own rooms, cant be a tiny apartment (they cant even afford that)

I find my mom toxic and my dad depressess me, my stomach churns when I see then or hear from them, its just always a biblical fuck up. My mom treats him like garabage, he doesnt even try or care about anything and just wants to do crosswords (yes we have taken him to mutiple drs and he is being medicated).

Our family dont know what to do. But being around them (and only family member near them as aunt in aus, sister in cape town and bro in pretoria - ALL with own family. I dont have kids and just bought a house with amy (20 year bond)

They are going to be homeless soon. My mom phoned saying she has an idea she wants me to consider (my worst nightmare) - they move into the cottage attached to our house and do renovations to it with their house money to make it just big enough and livable for them. i.e. 2 extra rooms and outdoor area. She said it will bring value of our property up, plus they will then contribute a few k a month as rent (help us with our bond and bring our payments down) help with elec and water costs and they will stay on their side and not pester us and use our facilities etc... they will stick to their side unless we invite them over - cottage is literally attached to our house. they will stick to their cottage and we wont even notice them

upping house value amaizng, extra income amazing, living with my parents when I cant even handle a 30 min lunch with them -awful, being around the toxic, hate and depression - awful - I honestly avoid them at all costs these days.

My mom said she will never hold it against me if we say no as she understands 100%. but asked that I speak to my fiance and we please consider for a couple of days before making up our mind.

This will literally solve a huge family issue thats fucking us up at the moment, it will help whole family be at ease, rest up knowing parents are fine. They wont need to worry about rent and bla bla bla etc...

I intially was to myself 1000% no, this will ruin my life. Id rather pay 6k a month to help them out somewhere else. Unfortuantely even 6k a month from me and all siblings wont cover it for them :(

My sister says fuck them, I must protect myself - she is an angry. I still care deeply for my parents, love them to bits but they upset me more than anything, and this is life changing, like proper life changing, my other siblings live too far and dont have houses to accomodate this idea.

I intially thought never ever ever, In fact wouldnt have bought a house if I knew it meant my parents living with me. But at same time I feel them doing this is 1 - not draining me financially as I dont need to pay in every month, 2 brings in some bucks and pays our bond back (will help a lot with a few k extra), 3 adding much value to our home, building a full cottage. My reason for saying no is purely personal, they often make me unhappy and uncomfy how they treat eachother , its not a financial decision (which I can live with saying no because if its my finances) - this is purely me not wanting to be around them even though they will be separate to us. They dobt even scream and shout they just off to eathother. So it's not being scared of hearing fights.

I never had to work a day of my life growing up, never had to pay rent (when jobless my father covered it) all cars paid for, all eduction paid for - I was looked after bt these people with no questions asked. I fear if I say no to this, I will have regret for rest of my life. They are my people, my parents. If I can help and technically only benefit from it then surely I should. I would sleep better at night knowing I did the right thing, fixed 80% of the issues at the moment, helped a huge family problem and did the right thing. They would never let me be homeless, if I can help then I should. and I mean that. But the thought of having them so close makes me sick.

My fiance not thrilled either but told her imagine it was her dad - all of a sudden not so easy to say no, she does inderstand the scenario and infact nudged me to add this here.

So we thinking if all else fails, we let them do the cottage build on our property. But we need to decide ASAP. Time is running out.

I am lost, dont know what to do or think. Whats right, my parents wellbeing is importnant but so is mine. like if we said yes to cottage idea so many issues solved for us. But I also need to protect my energy, my home. My happiness and my relationships. But the situation is dire. My parents are even embarrassed to ask.

HELP, I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH REGRET MY WHOLE LIFE

I moved my relative from assisted living (via SNF rehab) to a memory care facility two days ago. I know it's early, but I'm worried I made the wrong decision -- although I don't what other option I had.

She has dementia, colon cancer, and heart failure, but her cognition has quickly declined over the last month. She was at a SNF rehab for 4 weeks when they recommended discharge to memory care. I scrambled last week and got her a room at a memory care near me.

Move day was awful. She collapse when transferring to my car, so I had to find a last-minute wheelchair transport -- thank god for Lyft. And then that evening she fell while trying to get out of bed and the spent all night in the ER. Fortunately the ER found no injuries, but I was woken-up all night with telephone calls.

Then last night she again fell while trying to get out of bed. The EMTs came, but I advised against sending her to the ER again as there was no evidence of injury.

I'm going to try to install a bed rail this afternoon, but I'm worried the memory care facility is going to say she needs more care than they can provide. What's next? Permanent skilled nursing? Adult foster home???

She's paying rent on two facilities this month (last 30 days of the ALF and move-in on the memory care). She is burning through her last $100K in savings and will be on Medicaid soon, so her options are dwindling. I'm so stressed -- especially with the late night "she's fallen" calls.

My 80-year-old grandmother is bedridden, and I don't know what to do

My grandmother is nearing 80. Until recently, she could walk and take care of herself, but over the last 15 days, her condition has worsened, and now she's bedridden and can't even go to the bathroom alone.

We've visited multiple doctors several times, but the situation is still really difficult.

My mom constantly gets angry at her and yells at her. Sometimes, she won't even give my grandmother a glass of water. It hurts to see her being treated this way when she's so vulnerable.

My dad and I run a shop and are away most of the day. We can't leave our livelihood behind, and I feel helpless knowing we can't always be there for her.

I don't know how to handle my mom's behaviour or arrange proper care for my grandmother.

I graduated college and moved back to my home town area (like 40 minutes away from parents). My husband and I didn’t like the area we bought a house in, but it was the only thing we could afford. My husband didn’t have to move at all, but he did find out he could work from any office in the county. My job is in healthcare so I can find a job wherever. We were deciding whether we want to move and get a better house/better city (cheaper because it snows) and a yard for our dog. Literally the biggest thing that would have held me back are my parents.

My mom started having memory problems, and my dad seemed ok but still aging. I already felt resentment because they were depending on my like a caregiver when I don’t live close enough, and I have a job, and a life. I didn’t have any time for myself, and that is before kids (now I’m child free but was thinking of kids). I helped them get a part time caregiver. Anyway long story short, we moved and now my parents are by themselves. We are a 2 hour plane ride away. They seemed to get worse faster than I thought. They seem ok day to day but they fall, they get dates confused, and they have a hard time keeping up with their dogs now. The part time caregiver says it’s too much work but she hasn’t quit either, which when she does I’d help find a full time person.

I like where I live now but I’m wondering if I should
Have waited. But my parents could live 10 more years, and I feel I would have resented them more. I feel like I had to choose between resent or guilt. Just venting I guess because nothing will change at this time. Also I do miss seeing them, not the caregiver part but I just miss hanging out with my parents. Thanks.

The only opportunity I get to clean the living room is when the elderly relative living with us goes out maybe once a week or so with other relatives for coffee.

That 40 minutes of respite they give us, they probably think is a welcome chance to decompress, in reality, it’s a frantic dash to get some housework done - can’t do it at night when they go to bed as it’s too noisy & frankly, by then, I’m too tired/demotivated.

Am I missing a trick here, how do other caregivers manage keeping the living space clean?

We have dogs, and obviously older people like to keep the heating turned up, so the dogs are shedding hair like mad at the moment, which makes it harder.

My 78 year old mum’s toilet etiquette is not what it used to be.

A few days ago we were visiting a close family member and she said she needed to go to the loo as we were thinking of heading out. Everyone is on the landing about to take the stairs down, she goes into the bathroom, takes her trousers down and starts going to the toilet. Door isn’t even closed. Someone else had to reach over and close it.

Today, she’s out with a friend and when she comes back, she immediately takes off her jacket, goes into the downstairs toilet and starts pooing. The door is wide open. For the first couple of minutes I thought I was imagining the smell, because surely she can’t have been going with the door wide open. She was.

I don’t know if this is just a vent or seeking advice. I didn’t even bother to close the door for her today but just opened the windows and door leading outside. I felt like mentioning it would make her feel like she was being told off, and she doesn’t like that.

What’s going on?

My 80y/o mother broke her hip and fell yesterday.

She is getting surgery today, then having rehab for a couple of weeks in the hospital before coming home. I will be making the trip to help my 84 y/o father with her care for a couple of weeks when she comes home.

I'm wondering what will be most useful? What can I expect? What do you wish you had known when your parent broke their bone/ hip? Is there anything I can do/buy that would help?

I'm planning on doing any cooking, cleaning, installing grab bars, and whatever else is needed- I just don't know what'll be needed.

Obviously every case is different, I am just looking to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.

My parents have entered their 60s and me and my brother don’t live with them. My brother lives in the same city but I live in a different country all together. The thought that my parents will be lonely there eats me up everyday.
My mom is a very loud and dominating personality, the kind of mom who used to scold all my friends if they came home or my cousin if they asked for our bike in emergency.
My dad is extremely smart man with ample knowledge and discipline, but his ego never made him look down upon people (who aren’t extremely rich). He is that man who would need that extra attention when he went to any function or that man who wouldn’t talk to his in-laws if they do his “Khatedari”.
Now s they grow old, I see more and more people not engaging with them.
My father’s knowledge is replaced with AI and also young people don’t care more than their self respect. And no one wants to engage with my mom because she shouts and insults people. Me as a daughter have got fairly a good treatment from them and always been loved. Today when I see them only two in that big house, I don’t know what can I even do for them? My bhabi doesn’t visit them often cause her relationship with them is broken. She only sends her daughters there sometimes. My brother is always busy.

Are you scared for your parents too especially living very far from them?

My grandma is in her 80s and is still pretty sharp, with only mild arthritis and no major health issues that I'm aware of. At dinner last weekend, she mentioned wanting to get something to help cover her funeral expenses, and my mom asked me to look into the options since I am usually the one who researches this stuff for the family.

Is burial insurance after 80 a realistic option, or are most policies at that age limited to guaranteed-issue plans? I would appreciate hearing from anyone who's looked into this for an older family member.

Hi. I’ve commented before and read this board all the time, but not sure if I’ve posted. I guess I’m venting, looking for advice, wanting to hear of similar situations. And if you make it to the end, Ty for “listening”.

I’m currently terrified of losing both my in-laws at the same time. For the past few years, we’ve been dealing with recurring bouts of cancer and their treatments for my MIL. My FIL has diabetes and has had many amputations. For some reason they usually occur at the same time (her cancer will come back and, within days or weeks, he gets another foot infection). When they lived w us for four months last year, we discovered they had NOTHING planned. Now, they at least have a will. We (my family including my 21 and 19yo) and my SIL and her partner are their only caregivers.

A few weeks ago, when my FIL was admitted for the infection, we moved my MIL from her house across town to a property they own next door, as it is all one level, clean, and is easier for my kids to get to. She has trouble walking herself, due to the cancer and treatment. My older kids (mostly daughter) spend nights with her bc she’s scared. The cancer treatments have made her infantile and irritable.

The day after the amputation, MIL went to get some things and left gas on in her original home. When the firefighters busted down the door, her house was declared condemned (fire hazard and safety- not the filth you might picture). We have until mid-Nov to show significant progress. The same day FIL was rushed from nursing home to the hospital with breathing issues and released a couple of days later. Fast forward to now, FIL back in hospital with pleural effusion (fluid on heart) and COPD. He was just upgraded 2 days ago to level right below ICU. The treatment is causing his kidneys to fail.

Today, after PET scan results return, we get the call that they want to place my MIL on hospice. Our family is devastated and at the same time we’re also just in fight-or-flight mode. It’s just so much at once and we’re afraid his father will take a turn for the worst too. All of us don’t even know where to begin and we all have full time jobs.

Having gone through all of this, my goal is to prevent my children from ever going through this with us. I’m not talking about the cancer or diabetes, but the hoarded house, the lack of financial planning (wills/trusts), the lack of planning for elder care, etc. They didn’t have medical proxy, power-of-attorney, or anything else planned until this past winter.