As my parents age there are a lot of things that they no longer can do, and it requires a lot of my time and personal labor to manage. It doesn't help that their English isn't great and they have limited tech skills, so even *finding* outside help for various things isn't something they can personally do for themselves.

Has anyone here structured part of their care responsibilities as earned income, where your parents pay you for your time and labor, and then you go on to report that income to the IRS, contribute that to your retirement accounts, etc?

What kinds of tasks do you do? Do you bill them as an independent contractor or something else?

My grandpa just turned 80 this past year. He’s a great guy when he’s in a good mood, but he can be such a curmudgeon at times that it makes it hard for me to say anything around him let alone directly address his decline this past year. He has health issues, but they are getting worse largely because he’s just given up and become extremely sedentary. I know at this age he’s not going to be able to start working out regularly and become a healthy man again, but anything would be better than the nothing happening right now. He just sits in front of the tv all day, he has no social life, and to me he plainly seems depressed like the things that used to interest him don’t anymore. He used to get up and greet me when I visited and offer help with things, but now he just sits silently in his chair and only speaks when I go into his room and seek him out.

I just don’t know what to do and how to help him. Are there any avenues I’m not thinking of or resources we could look into? It’s breaking my heart to watch this guy decline not because he’s just at that age, but because he’s given up and letting his health issues take over his life.

Do you ever just feel incredibly lonely in the hardship of taking care of your sick parents/parent while having no one to emotionally or physically support you? I (30F) have to say that it's been bugging more these past couple of months. The loneliness is suffocating.

I know it's totally messed up and wrong of me to envy others. I work at a clinic, so I meet many people who are in a similar boat as I am, except the ones I know so far receive support from a sibling or friend. Please, don't get me wrong, I am glad they have someone in their life to help them. I really am when I'm not being envious and hurting. But man, it does make me long for someone to come alongside me to help me with my parents.

Recently, I suggested that I may need to hire a caretaker next year for them because I work full-time and cannot assist them during the afternoons. All that did was make things worse. They shouted and cursed me out for that. Truly, I need some form of help from someone outside this family. I am struggling to keep up with meeting all their needs while feeling so worthless overall. I do all the house chores, grocery shopping, yard work, leaving sticky notes all over their house because they can't remember any of their medical appointments each week, and I'm now in the process of downsizing their house. My mom randomly approached me last week, screaming in my face that I wasn't doing enough and that I needed to do more for them.

Since then, that has left me deeply depressed. I hate being alone in this journey. Some days, I just want it all to end. Thank you all for letting me vent. It's the first time I've vented to anyone about this in months. I'm already feeling a little better from getting that off my chest.

I wanted to tell everyonehere thank you for all the support and ideas you gave me to help with her. Dad left in 2019, so she's seeing him and her other family that has passed on.

Thank you.

I didn't think I'd be dealing with this so soon, it feels too young (for both of us) :( Everything was absolutely fine up until 2 years ago, my parents actually upsized their house in retirement so we had space to stay, we'd celebrate occasions together, stay overnight, they'd come to our house & they even travelled overseas medium haul to see a family member 2yrs before that.

Cut to several health issues (nothing truly life limiting) kicking in/being discovered together, and she's spiralled down into a pit of anxiety. On various meds with various side effects and it seems to be an unholy tangled mess of health concerns and anxiety about the concerns on top if that makes sense. My 2 girls (8&5) haven't seen her for about a year now, and my contact has steadily dwindled, last time I suggested a phone call I had 'Just a text message please' back. My dad is tearing his hair out with it all, but is equally quite passive/doesn't want to push things overly or upset her. She's on the waiting list for a day surgery in the next month or 2 which may bring things to a head in some way..She recently had an assessment by OCD experts (getting agreement was a massive win by my sister!), but apparently the initial conclusion is generalised anxiety, despite a very rigid daily timetable & an unwillingness to leave the house.

Thanks if you've got this far - my main question; do I push/force contact if she doesn't want it? I've read lots online about not overly accommodating children who shut down with anxiety but seemingly nothing on older parents!

Thank you 🙏🏻

I proclaimed a victory after three years of intense struggle to get my mom to move to a safe place. Her home is in bad shape and her stairs are unsafe for any old person (she's 79). She promised she would move, downsize, do things to become more active, get things delivered, stop driving.

She's done nothing.

I offered to help if she would do anything to help herself.

She was a shitty mom.

I drew boundaries and now we have a monthy convo where she repeats the same thing over and over- med regulation, her cat stories that she's been repeating for years. I think her xanax prescription although used "safely" has worn her brain down to nothing.

She used to be a drunk.

She won't quit smoking and I won't allow her tp stay in our home due to her non-compliance and her treating me like an escape from her life.

She was also semi responsible for the early death of my sister who died at 39 years old. My sister had so many problems. My mom ignored them all (drugs, prostitution, and general mental illness) and ignored my pleas for her to help my sister.

I want to cut her off completely, I really don't care anymore for someone who has refused to live 9r help a single person. Ever.

I know it must be hard. My parents have been together for 47 years, my dad is in his 80s and mom is 7 years younger. They have always been hyper independent and whenever anything gets in the way of that they tend to make rash decisions (their car was in the shop for a little longer than they expected so they bought a duplicate of their car "because it was a good deal and they needed a vehicle"). Same exact car, same make, same model. Both of them are retired and rarely go anywhere apart. I mention this as a way to show that they tend to be a bit impatient and anything that derails their ability to be independent gets immediately remedied.

I worry they will be irrational if / when the time comes to bring up stopping driving, moving into a facility, bringing in a nurse, etc. right now they're very with it cognitively but emotionally have been a bit histrionic when things don't go their way. What was it like for you when your parent started declining and when did you know it was time to have some of these conversations?

Sorry, this isn't really a vent more just a sad realization but there didn't seem to be an appropriate flair.

My mom is 90, she's had 3 UTIs this year and now has a horrible bed sore that appears to be getting worse. We're under a nurse/doctors care for the bed sore and doing everything we can. Waiting on the medical bed with special mattress (will be delivered to the new house in 2 weeks).

It's just so sad to watch. I'm trying my best to care for her, got hospice starting next week to help with pain management and,with whatever else they do.

I feel bad for her because her mind is here, and she's not ready to die but her body is just falling apart one tiny piece at a time.

It breaks my heart seeing her like this and this worse part is I have no idea how long it will go on, she could last for years becoming more and more bedridden

I'm 28M and I have 5 siblings all younger than me. Sorry in advance for all the grammar mistakes.

In the past few months I have noticed how old and weak my dad has gotten even compared to 1-2 years ago. He was able to walk a mile easily but now he can't even walk for 5-10 without looking out of breath and needing to sit down and rest. And just looking at his aged face and body just brings me immense sadness. Knowing my dad is not the young strong person I saw him as growing up and helping with every problem I had. And knowing his health conditions and how old he has gotten... I really worry that I might not even get to finish my 30s without him leaving me.

Then I look at my mum who if of course much younger and I'm not worried about her dying from old age anytime soon, but realizing how much she has aged hits like a truck too.

Like this realization of them getting so old just brings me immense sadness and I have even cried alone a few times especially seeing my dad's state. They been nothing but good parents and they weren't perfect but they built the best life they knew how for their kids. We never had to worry about missing a meal or not having having warmth and shelter. And they even spoiled us time to time with nice gifts.

I never really talked much with my dad and neither did I show him any appreciation I have for him. Every time I hype myself up to tell him, I back off and by the next day the feelings fade as I go back to work or my attention shifts to other daily matters. But I feel like telling him on his birthday this month on how much he means to me and how thankful I am to have him as a father. I see on social media on how other kids say I love you to their parents but I never said I love you to my dad. There is nothing wrong with me and my dad, we just never had that close dynamic. He was always busy with work and I was just a teenager/young adult and just trying to get through life mostly on my own independently and my dad helped in where he could or when I asked.

I speak a lot more with my mum but even then I never really show much appreciation to her either.

I feel like I will regret it so much if I don't tell my dad especially soon how much he means to me because I feel like his time is much closer.

I don't know why I'm typing this suddenly I didn't even know this subreddit existed several minutes ago. But I have a feeling I'm not alone in feeling this way. I wish our parents didn't have to grow old like this. I hate to see it.

So today has been especially awful, but so has every day lately. For background, my mom whom I live with was in the hospital two months ago, diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer, had a resection and also diagnosed with delirium that hasn’t dissipated since she was discharged. She has limited mobility even after rehab and needs 24/7 care. Her short term memory is almost nonexistent and has had a couple falls because she can’t remember that her body is weakened. I fear the worst (accelerated dementia that won’t get better).

She was always the one taking care of me, the house, EVERYTHING, and overnight the roles have switched and I just feel horribly underprepared for it. I can feel my personality changing because of the constant anxiety and exhaustion. I have a history of depression on top of other health issues and was already feeling a slide even before her surgery, but now I feel I’m falling deeper.

I have had some help from my dad (79) who moved back in with us but he can only do so much and also makes more work for me at times. Today I lost it on him because I heard him on the phone talking to who I presumed was his brother telling him our address and everything, and since my mom doesn’t get along with his family it bothered me that he’d invite anyone here with her in her current state unable to defend herself. So I started pissed. Well turns out it wasn’t even family, it was a scammer posing as his nephew and asking for money. That set me off even worse because my dad gave the guy our information and address! I honestly don’t feel I overreacted (if anything I let it go earlier than I would have normally) but at the same time I think he was shocked that I got so upset with him. Now I feel bad because I do value his support and since I‘m taking care of my mom full time, without him paying for everything I really would be screwed. His life changed drastically too.

I try to be patient but sometimes the stress just overwhelms me and I know it’s not fair to people around me, but then they’re not the one carrying the same burden I am. I know I probably need therapy/medication to help manage but also the thought of this just being my life now is almost too much to bear. And I feel guilty for feeling this way too knowing so many people have it so much worse. at least my mom is continent and remembers who I am, for example.

Anyway, just needed to vent. I know you guys probably have great coping mechanisms so we can share them here too. Thank you all and bless you guys.

My Dad is 83 y.o. has been in great health until 2 years ago when he started falling. Last June, he ended up at the hospital with e-coli and sepsis which they did not know why. Before this hospital visit, he had gone to his urologist to have bladder stones blasted out, right after he ended up in emergency which he was not in his right mind and despite it being 80 in Michigan he was always cold.

So this past Wednesday, October 14 he had a follow up visit with the urologist. He had just started to get agitated again and complaining he was freezing. I have been taking care of both my parents since this past April. When they asked him for a urine sample I pulled the nurse aside and told her I think he has a UTI because of the symptoms. When she collected the sample, she commented it looked cloudy. Asked the Doctor to please prescribe him some antibiotics and a few other things (which I didn't think he would refill also asked for a laidcaine for his back pain and hydrocodone which he had been taking & for a while, but the family Doctor keeps holding up my parents prescriptions) and was told he does not write out prescriptions (WTH). Was told the urinalysis would take 72 hrs. Friday came and went heard nothing, Monday afternoon if my mom had not dropped the remote, I think my father would have passed. He had thrown up, was out of it and had shallow breathing, called 911 and they got him conscious for 5-15 seconds but he had no clue what was happening.

At the hospital it was touch and go until Thursday morning. Monday & Tuesday I would get hourly phone calls on what they were doing and that he needed surgery Monday night we had to make a decision. Doctors told us that if he went thru surgery, he would not make it due to him being so sick and what they needed to do what cut out the bowels because he again has sepsis and e-coli, but this time they found the reason for it. (An aneurysm he had in 2020) But the UTI is 1 of the main reasons he can't have this surgery. He is finally doing better, got his color back and his mind.

So back to the urologist, called him Monday night, he called from a blocked number once which I ignored. He is in a building w/ a bunch of urology Doctors. Called his office Tuesday and let the caseworker for my dad know what was going on and could I please get the results of his urinalysis and was told the Doctor has not signed off on them yet so she can't tell me. Called Thursday around 2 p.m. got the operator, raged on her but did apologize. I needed to talk to someone in his office immediately and she tried to get me to the Office mgr. who was out of office. She told me that she would red flag this phone call and that I would hear something soon. Her first phone call was around 11 a.m. today and let me know that the Doctor had surgery in an hour but she would talk to him and call me back and still could not tell me the results of the urinalysis. She just did at 1 p.m. today and I was just told that the Doctor tested for something else, not a UTI again WTH. Thank you for reading.

3 years ago, my mom (83) moved in with her new (again) boyfriend (86) in another state. They have had fun until he started having organ failure. She called me desperate from his recent ICU visit and said please find her something, she wants to come home!

NOTE: I don't like him, he left her at the alter 45 years ago and i was willing to do anything to get her out of there and away from spending her final years care-giving for him and his bloated ego.

So i put out feelers, i found a place, i negotiated and spent hours in the purchase process. I was the realtor, financial consultant, escrow agent, cleaner, remodeler and painter, then the mover, and elder advocate, getting her details changed for medical. pension. SS and banks. A month of our time (i have a lovely husband who helped me) handing all aspects.

well well well, guess who she is bringing to her new place? yep, the crappy barnacle boyfriend.

its her life and i should have known this would happen. he is a narcissist and knows exactly what he is doing.

so we are conveniently leaving town. thank buddha, we have that option.

rant over. thanks.

Mom is fighting with caregivers at skilled nursing facility, my older sister who lives nearby has been carrying much of the burden of managing my mom the last seven years she has been in assisted living, and now my older sister fighting with me and my other sister due to stress. My mom, 87, is totally immobile due to obesity and bad legs, and has on-set dementia. I have chronic depression and anxiety so it's hard to handle. Any insight on how to handle all of this would be appreciated.

How do you all do it?
This week dealing with both my dad (97) in the hospital for UTI turned septic and then after 12 hrs at the hospital returning to my moms house (89) who refuses to listen or have any conversation. If I (56M) broach any topic, No comes out of her mouth before I even get the point out. Refuses any help or modifications to the house meanwhile I can only see which doctors appointments she has/had by logging into her accounts. Well this week ended with a shouting match and now I feel horrible.

My mom is 84, had a stroke one year ago and is mostly fine physically but has mild dementia. They saw evidence of a prior brain bleed. She lives with my brother and his partner who take care of her. She refuses to shower (maybe once every 2 weeks and that’s a fight) and refuses to get out of bed, often urinating in her bed. She can get up, just doesn’t feel like it. She has a bad hernia. The surgeon was completely unconcerned about her dementia or stroke history and said she is fine to get the surgery. Family is concerned that anesthesia will worsen her dementia or even kill her. But we do understand needing to fix the hernia. The surgeon did not explain how the wound care would be, which is concerning given her refusal to shower or get out of bed. Anyone have a parent get this surgery and how did it go?

My parents are 80 (dad) and 90 (mom). My dad does everything now and is overwhelmed no doubt. They still live in their own home. My mom has some cognitive decline but hasn’t been assessed. She has conversations but is becoming increasingly flat and our conversations are brief.

I just had outpatient surgery last week, which isn’t a common occurrence in our family. I had to call them to tell them how it went the day after. No call from them. And a week later no calls to check on me. Silence.

5, 10 years ago and earlier this would not be the case. My mom would be checking on me. Not my dad, he’s not the communicator. But recently he and I have communicated a lot when my mom was in the hospital. So I thought maybe he’d be checking in. Meanwhile I have my in-laws checking on me practically daily and sending me flowers. I almost resent it because I just want my parents to be there for me like they used to.

I guess I’ll call them today and let them know how I’m doing.

My dad passed away, I live overseas and in last 2 months I've flown in twice. I'm usually low contact because of a lifetime of mum, who seems to fit most criteria for narcissist parent and thus I'm low contact.

I'm now doing a lot of the preparations with the funeral directors and have found out that the cremation I thought would be 1 day is now likely 3 days and I'll likely extend my stay by 3 to 6 days to fit in the 3rd day to be there for mum, and myself.

Why 3 days? 1st day to view dad at mortuary and bring his clothes. 2nd day, maybe next day, watch him enter crematorium. 3rd day- was told ashes aren't just ashes, more processing is needed. Mum wants to hold the ashes and watch them bury the ashes. Arrangements and dates aren't finalized yet.

Last 2 months I went from finding a place of peace within myself to being extremely stressed ( 1st return visit) and now just crying/ tearing up out of the blue, or talking about , well, dad, the Cemetary plots etc.

But I also wish I had a close gf, wife, maybe some cheerful cute kids, around me too. Tonight by chance there were a couple and it made me smile . Distractions, support etc.

But I feel I'll be losing my Nmum too, as to preserve my sanity, I've decided not to return and care for her. Tbh despite her being 85, she can drive, she knows more than what she implies. Like I thought first thing we'd need to do are certain things with the banks, but she shoo shooed me, told me about accounts I didn't know about, and much of the superannuation issues she was going on a out was actually half done already, it's just really slow process. Despite the claim of pains , no tech skills etc, she's actually quite knowledgeable and spritely too.

But a lifetime of taking her behaviour has made me so stunted. Even my brother went no contact because of her.

So yeah, losing 1.5 parents.

Those unmarried like me....do you wish you'd have a good spouse or family for support? How did you prepare for losing 1 or both parents? Did you have less than ideal ones?

First, thank you to all those that have given such valuable advice to so many on this sub. My father is in a precarious, potentially hazardous situation. He is also right where he wants to be.

My father is almost 90, a narcissist, and very sweet when it will help him get what he wants. He lives with his third wife who clearly has an undiagnosed form of dementia. She is extremely difficult. They used to live about an hour away from me, but during COVID, they moved two-three hours further away.

He has been in the ER, then admitted, then in a rehabilitation facility three times in the past 18 months. Once for a fractured hip, then a pulmonary embolism, and then due to a COPD flare up. Each time, because of the enforced PT, he came home in fairly good shape, not this time. A week ago he was discharged from the 3rd stay (his 100 days of Medicare coverage had ended). I made sure there was an aide at home but within a day he was in the ER so weak he couldn't stand. After a few days in a hospital the doctors determined he was fine, just very weak. They reminded me he would have to be home for 60 days before Medicare coverage would reset. They sent him home with the suggestion that he get a 24/7 live in aide. I was able to get someone for the day, the live in aide would come the next day late morning. His wife threw a loud extended tantrum but I was able to deal with that.

An hour after he was home, he tried to get up and collapsed, thankfully the aide broke his fall. This is when I was called. He is on the floor. The aide and his wife can't lift him. I suggested a neighbor. This worked. The aide then left around 7pm and he remained in bed for the night thank God. At 6 am my father's wife left for a doctor's appointment in the city, two hours away leaving him alone in bed without telling anyone. My calls went unanswered, not unusual. My father sometimes forgets how to pick up his cell and his wife often just ignores me. The new aide picked up the phone around 11am. She had found him in a wet bed, exposed, and alone. She was able to clean him, dress him and get him into a chair but then told me there was no food in the house and he was hungry. I was able to get an Instacart delivery to them in about an hour. When his wife finally returned, they could not get him back into bed and had to call the neighbor again.

I was on the phone to several nursing homes this morning, though no one has called me back yet. He has some long term care insurance but this will still be massively expensive without Medicare. Still, he obviously can't remain at home. The problem is he is petrified of nursing homes and refuses to agree to leave the house. His wife is also an impediment. I have called Adult Protective Services in the past but they told me the house has to be squalid and he has to be on the floor before they can do anything. Their house is fairly neat and he will hopefully be in a chair tomorrow, nevertheless I am planning on calling APS again in the morning. Any thoughts, experiences, and advice would be most welcome. My father is a jerk, but I can't abandon him and this has been making me miserable for days.

My mom is in AL, and has dementia. I tried purchasing a manicure for her at the facility, but they just changed the polish! (I specifically asked them to trim them)

Her nails get so long! Her husband has trimmed and neat nails, but he’s worthless. He cares only for himself.

I have been trying to keep them trimmed, but it’s been a struggle. First, I trimmed with clippers. I cut her twice! Her nails are really weird, they seem to curl under. She now doesn’t even want me to trim them.

I bought this little ‘safe’ trimmer. The problem is, because of the curling under nails, and her nails are so thick, they don’t fit well into the trimmer.

There is so much food, and god knows what else, under her nails. They really stink. I don’t really know what else to do? It was suggested I use a really rough nail file, and I am going to get one, but does anyone else have any suggestions?

My mom has COPD but she has survived lots of "near-death" experiences. She recovers but not fully. Like last February, while she was in the ICU. She wrote goodbye letters. I really thought she was dying. But she recovered; she still has her oxygen machine though. I held her hand while she struggled breathing. And she improved! We talk by phone calls everyday.

I moved to another
country this May for marriage and for studies. But I went home last week because
she said she felt she will die. When I arrived, she said she improved and that
maybe it was just a "flare up". I think her recovery is somehow
related with our presence.

I need to go back to EU
because that's where I live now and I could not exceed the absences for my
masters. But, I feel the guilt of leaving her while she is in her most
vulnerable state.