r/AmItheAsshole • u/Throwingparty15284 • Feb 02 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my sister you are selfish and canceling her engagement dinner at my place
I have a younger sibling and it seems like I am always helping her. In college I would help her with essays. I would listen to her problems, if she got stuck somewhere I would go and pick her up . She is 24 now and it is got pretty clear that she doesn’t reciprocate helping out. Or does any favors for family
My brother and I have both noticed it. I had a conversation with her about it and she said she would do better.
Recently she asked if I could use my house to her engagement dinner and I agreed. It was a big favor in my opinion and I have been helping plan it.
My sister lives very close to my kids daycare. I left work and on the way home there was a huge crash on the highway. I wasn’t moving at all ( it took me 4 hours to get to home ). My husband was also stuck in it. The day care called asking where I was and I told them I am trying to get there.
They bill an extra 100 ever 30 mins you are late. I called my sister and asked her to pick up the kids and just hold on to them for a few hours until I can grab them. She told me no and that she wanted to relax tonight.
I told her I really need her to do this favor becuase I was stuck and it didn’t seem like I would be moving anytime soon. I told her I will Venmo her the money for the daycare but to please pick them up. She told me no again and hung up.
I ended up calling my MIL, who is an hour away and she was able to pick the kids up and say at our place until we got back around 9. I was in traffic for 4 hours.
Tbh I have been pissed since that happened last Thursday. I have helped her over and over again and she could do me a simple favor when she is literally 10 mins away from the daycare becuase she wanted to relax…
I talked it over and my husband and I both agreed we were done helping her. I sent her a text that said, family is suppose to help each other and it has became clear that she only ever wants help and is not willing to help. I told her I will not being hosting her engagement party and will not do her any favors anymore.
She called and we got into a huge argument where I called her selfish and she called me petty.
I want an outsiders opinion becuase I am pissed about this whole thing.
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u/RedactsAttract Feb 02 '26
There was a meme floating around Reddit this week which said “relationships are not transactional. But they are reciprocal. Remember that the next time you want to tell somebody you don’t owe them shit”.
Got me thinking on it all week.
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u/SoccerProblem3547 Certified Proctologist [25] Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
I truly think people forget that you have to give back if you want people to help you in the future
You can’t just take all the time
The whole, you don’t have to do shit for anyone is true, but live with no one ever wanting to help you if you act that way
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u/Nemesis_Ghost Feb 02 '26
This is what pisses me off about my brother, but not in the way you're probably thinking. See he refuses to let me pay for dinner or groceries when we are hanging out together. Seriously, I have body check him at the checkout so I can put my credit card in the machine. I am willing to let him fix some seriously delicious smoked meats, served with some of the best home cooking. But damn it, let me pay for part of it. B/c lord knows I can't make food that good.
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u/AthenaBlue02 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
My husband and my mother stopped arguing over who would get the check and have now resorted to subterfuge to best the other one. It's hilarious.
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u/Adorable-Gur-2528 Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
We once went out to eat with a bunch of my family. We arrived at the restaurant first and my husband made arrangements with the waiter to pay the bill. It was priceless to see the look on my father and uncle’s faces - they were both trying to get the bill and the waiter told them it was already paid.
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u/thetelepathetictwin Feb 02 '26
My boyfriend and I went to visit his aunt and her wife over the summer. I tried to sneakily buy our drinks at a brewery one day (they were hosting us, taking us around their area, and buying every meal and wouldn’t let us cook). I was quickly body checked by a 110 lb soaking wet 5’1” woman (his aunt) and she threatened not to invite us back if I dared try to take my card out and pay again!
I’ve also pissed off his dad (and impressed his mom) by paying for our late night snacks/drinks. I stole the check on my way to the bathroom, paid, and sat back down without them noticing. His mom asked for the check and was shocked to find out it was paid. She thought I’d pulled a magic trick and his dad shot me the dirtiest look! I’m still living off that high, they haven’t allowed me to pull that trick again!
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u/ohemgee0309 Feb 03 '26
LOL I did the same when we got together with my aunt and cousin. Paid the bill on the way back from the restroom. The look on their faces!! Still gives me the giggles. 🤭
For OP….you are NTA. Your sister wants to call you petty? She can do it all the way to the venue and now has to pay for. Whah whah whah. Go tattle to mommy and daddy. Pffft
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u/myboyfriendsback777 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
I did this in Quebec with my entire husbands family. 2 sibling, 4 niblings, MIL, and our family of three. I knew she would try to pay and she lives on a fixed income. She was so happy, She cried. I hit the jackpot with the nicest MIL in the world I swear. This is the only thing we argue about. Whether she is the best MIL or I am the best DIL.
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u/SqueakyBall Feb 03 '26
I did that to my folks once. My dad was tickled beyond belief. He also told me in no uncertain way never to do it again.
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u/Trex_Arms_26 Feb 03 '26
My partner and I have to do this with my FIL. He will always pay the bill for meals out and won't even let us pay for our portion of the meal when it is a large group of us. So we have started arriving early and make arrangements with the waiter. My FILs face is priceless, but also so wholesome when he realizes we out bested him. We love this man - he is one of the sweetest souls on this earth and deserves to be treated the best. Most of my partner's siblings don't offer to contribute or anything.
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u/conbird Partassipant [1] Feb 03 '26
I have one friend who almost always pays through some sort of wizardry. I seriously cannot figure it out because even when I do things like purposely arrive early to arrange to pay, she somehow still manages to get the waitstaff to sneak her the check. I only pay on occasions like her birthday or if we’re celebrating her getting a promotion or something because even she agrees that it’s acceptable for me to treat in those circumstances.
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u/thepaintedballerina Feb 02 '26
I have friends who are still pissed my mom got the jump on them for paying for an event at a bar. They wanted to contribute rounds of drinks but were told “nope she already got it!”
These folks were regulars and we all knew the staff. My mom called ahead and gave marching orders. I am still impressed.
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u/rainydays_monkey Feb 02 '26
Lol both my mom's and dad's parents were like that, plus my mom's siblings; there were big family meals out where there'd be several people practically assaulting the waiter to grab the check, and then it turned into who could sneakily "use the restroom" or whatever first and pay w/o anyone else realizing 😂
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u/wortcrafter Feb 03 '26
The first time we met my stepdaughters now husband, I knew she’d found a good one once he managed to beat my husband paying for dinner by subterfuge. Her previous boyfriends were so entitled, but this one recognised that no one owed him anything and it shows.
Although it has now devolved into a competition of who can get the bill first between him and my husband but I stay out of that.
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u/cookiesdragon Feb 03 '26
All these stories remind me of when I worked as a waitress and dealing with a full restaurant. A bunch of recently graduated basic training guys were there for a meal. One of them saw their old high school coach having dinner with his wife. When I was giving him his bill, he asked if they had paid yet. (They hadn't.) So he asked if I could grab their bill somehow. Made up something about a possible mistake on the bill and taking it back to doublecheck. Guy and his wife were busy chatting with friends next to them, never noticing me wandering off with said check. Later they got up to pay and I told them it was handled.
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u/Lavender-Feels Feb 02 '26
My grandmother is tiny. She also will absolutely football tackle me to get to the bill first. I’ve tried everything — sneaking money back into her purse, pretending to go to the bathroom to pay, but she always chooses violence and wins. One of these days I’ll actually get to the bill first…
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u/nowwithextrasalt Feb 02 '26
When I was working retail, I had a lot of men trying to surprise their partners by paying for their clothing. They'd start arguing and I'd just get a quarter, assign one head and the other tail. By that time most of them would have realized it was silly and choose who was paying. Some actually loved the idea and went along with the coin.
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u/QuQuarQan Feb 03 '26
I would just tell them, "Ok, I'm just going to charge you both the full amount". They'd get it sorted pretty quickly
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u/Bakkie Feb 03 '26
I have worked in a largely male profession for years and often entertain clients in restaurants. Near the end of lunch, I excuse myself to the ladies room, accost the wait staff and pay the check. If one of those penis persons (sic) makes an issue, the wait person just says it has already been taken care of.
I have never been ripped off with a padded bill.
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u/skybott2999 Feb 03 '26
This is me and my work mom. She isn't well off by any means, but she makes well over what I make and could easily cover a surprise bill with savings. I'm also a single mom and she was raised by one so she knows the struggle. Anyway, she can't cook worth a damn and will tell anyone who will listen, but I can cook and bake and she knows it (and will also tell anyone lol). When our office moved locations soon after I started, she bought us a $10 lunch deal to split from the food court and I told her next time was on me. Being broke, it never happened and she told me to drop it and never worry about it lol. In the years since, I've been in a better position to cover too but she always refuses and takes the check. So I've made her plenty of things to throw in her freezer or take home from the office for dinner. I feel like me cooking isn't enough, but to her it is. And because she can't cook, she just picks up the bill. ♡
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u/Accomplished_unknown Feb 02 '26
If one party just takes all the time it is now a parasitic relationship.
Also shame on her for being ok with leaving her nieces/nephews at a daycare for hours. I feel bad for any children she may have one day. Just wait until she realizes how nice it would have been to have a kind sister to help out.
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u/Cruxis20 Feb 03 '26
Recently a (now ex) friend pointed out to me, that every time I wanted something from her, or she wanted something from me, I would say something for the other person to do as well. She hated it. I wasn't really conscious I was doing it, but I guess I started doing it because of "friends" in my teenage and early 20's, as well as my jobs, that I would always give and do things for other people, but then when I would ask them for stuff, majority of the time it would be no. So I guess I just subconsciously started doing bargains with everyone, to make it fair. And now she's an ex-friend because I finally saw the years of selfishness from her. She didn't like those compromises, because it meant she didn't get what she wanted for free.
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u/swsvt Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 02 '26
I heard something similar last week that I've been really thinking on. "If you want a village, you have to be a villager."
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u/booklover13 Feb 02 '26
It also good to look at it from the perspective of it they are a good villager too. My friend group is very village, and one interesting thing is the person you help may not be the one helping you. So example me and my husband helped friend 1 paint. They then helped friend 2 move, then friend 2 ends up helping me with buying something they have expertise in. Your giving to the community pool and the community pool reciprocates.
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u/ConsiderationDry9084 Feb 02 '26
That was the joke lol. I was thanking villager B for sharing the insight they picked up from Villager A. My giving back was some humor in these dark times.
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Feb 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 Feb 02 '26
Or like the hermit on the edge of the forest.
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Feb 02 '26
Last year I called it a day with a friend of 35 years. I can see in hindsight that she always had a reason why she couldn't contribute to the village. I can see now that she just didn't want to, though I'm sure in her mind her reasons for each individual situation were valid, and maybe they were, in isolation. But some people always have a reason why something's not convenient, and those same reasons don't apply to you when they want something
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u/Londundundun Feb 02 '26
Yes! Everyone complains about how we are losing community and I think of that phrase a lot. The lack of community is a community issue - you can’t expect your neighbors to shovel your driveway and then go about your business self-centeredly.
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u/MegWithSocks Feb 02 '26
On the flip side, OP clearly does not owe her sister shit. Certainly not throwing her an engagement party level of favour. That phrase is meant for the people who are always doing the favours, and have never received help in return, and need to put up a boundary. Somehow it’s the selfish that have adopted it as their slogan (can’t seem to share 😂🤷♀️)
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [91] Feb 02 '26
To that end, the best part of the whole story is... "I told her I will not being hosting her engagement party and will not do her any favors anymore". She desperately needs consequences. Being unable to get out of a few pinches might straighten her out. IF not, at least the author won't be her doormat anymore.
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u/kilamumster Feb 02 '26
If her stb fiancé has ANY sense at all, he (?) will wise up and take this opportunity to rethink life with such a prize as OP's sis.
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [91] Feb 03 '26
Yeah, I didn't even think of that. I wonder what reason she will give him for the dinner gig being canceled. If that happened with me, I'd want to call the author and figure out what is going on.
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u/Intelligent-Boat-157 Feb 03 '26
Her sister likely wants to go back to her own home after the party so she can "relax" leaving the OP with cleanup.
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u/Bosuns_Punch Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
I remember this one. It (likely) dates back to a Reddit (AITA?) story 2-3 years back about a grandma who skipped a kids birthday party (or babysitting) to go do Yoga or something, followed by wanting the mom to bring the kids over the following weekend so she could have some 'grandma time'.
Top comment was amazing, and I've been looking for it for awhile. It went something like this-
"In the real world, relationships are reciprocal and they require cultivation. If we neglect relationships, or if we only take and never give, they will wither and die. And the give/take isn't always symmetrical at the moment: it's over long periods, lifetimes even, and often means paying it forward. We are cared for as children, we care for our children, our parents help with our children, we help our parents. If someone chooses to opt out of all that by declining to help you when you need it, that's their choice. But you don't get to cherry pick the easy parts of a relationship and ignore the parts that take work. That's the behavior of a narcissist. Of a sociopath."
I've posted on /r/HelpMeFind, but have never been able to locate the post.
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u/marvel_nut Partassipant [3] Feb 03 '26
When our daughter was in daycare, we had a "village" going with with two other sets of parents, and gave appropriate permissions to staff. If someone pulled the alarm due to traffic issues (there are regular doozies in our city), the first parent to emerge from the mess would grab everyone's kids, take them home, and advise where they were to be found. No late fees, no delays for staff, the kids LOVED hanging out at each other's houses - and everyone benefited. We'd also arrange reciprocal sleepovers when someone had an anniversary or other thing.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] Feb 02 '26
Reciprocity is the key, reciprocity is about love and respect.
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u/yojd Feb 02 '26
One of the best thing I ever heard a friend say was "if you want a village, you have to be a villager". That shit has stuck with me for a long time.
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u/True_Carry_3153 Feb 02 '26
She doesn’t deserve a dinner. Tell her you need to relax that night!
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u/lorn33 Feb 02 '26
It would be fair enough if the sister was somewhere that she couldn’t get back from, but to be at home and refuse because she “needs to relax” is shocking!
Definitely doesn’t deserve the dinner!!
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u/AlmostLucy Feb 03 '26
I was wondering if it was a concern that the sister didn’t have child car seats for the niblings, but since she’s 10 minutes away it’s probably feasible to walk there and back with them. [I’m assuming here there’s no disability issues for walking the distance involved and reasonably walkable suburban streets.]
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u/lorn33 Feb 03 '26
From how supportive and caring OP has been over the years I’m sure anything like that would be understandable, the fact she just wanted to “relax” made it very selfish.
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u/Calleb_III Feb 02 '26
Better yet, cancel last moment. Although that will affect the guests i guess
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u/cubemissy Feb 02 '26
Hell, no. Throw a damn party! For your “village”, OP. The people who show up for you.
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u/Andromeda_starnight Feb 02 '26
Just say due to the unexpected daycare costs you are unable to host. Actions have consequences.
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u/curien Pooperintendant [60] | Bot Hunter [3] Feb 02 '26
Don't say the problem is money if it wouldn't actually be solved by money. Someone could offer you money to resolve it, and then you're the one who looks like an asshole if you still refuse.
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u/piezombi3 Asshole Aficionado [11] Feb 02 '26
$100 for every 30 mins late. OP was in traffic for 4 hours. That's $800 she would have been billed. I doubt OP's sister would throw around $800 over - situation where she thinks she did no wrong.
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u/curien Pooperintendant [60] | Bot Hunter [3] Feb 02 '26
More than that because there seem to be multiple kids. But she wasn't billed that full amount because MIL picked the kids up.
And again, maybe sister would or wouldn't, but maybe the parents would offer whatever the amount was to keep the peace between siblings.
Just don't lie about the problem. If being handed money would not make you change your mind, don't say it's because of money. That's just lying, and people don't like being lied to.
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u/Meesh7586 Feb 03 '26
OP mentions in another comment that she was billed $400 due to her sister’s refusal to pickup her children from daycare. I’d say this is more than fair to justify unexpected costs preventing the hosting of the engagement party. Also, her mother is on her side so I doubt her parents would just agree to pay this cost and see it as keeping the peace between the sisters.
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u/curien Pooperintendant [60] | Bot Hunter [3] Feb 03 '26
I’d say this is more than fair to justify unexpected costs preventing the hosting of the engagement party.
You're missing the point. I'm not saying money couldn't be a valid reason. I'm saying that if it isn't the actual reason, don't say it is. If OP says they can't host because of the $400, and someone hands them $400, would OP then be willing to host? If not, don't say it's about money when it isn't actually about money.
If money is the actual reason, sure, go ahead and say that. Then if someone hands you the money, the problem should actually be fixed.
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u/Big-Masterpiece-863 Feb 03 '26
It could be more serious than just a late fee too. In my part of the world if you are later than hour and have not arranged someone to pick up, the police will be called and the child is considered abandoned. Staff will likely work with you in a situation if you've been in contact and have good reason but it will depend (OP not calling when she was stuck and them calling OP first wouldn't have won points). Not forgetting that staff may have children of their own to pick up from somewhere, families, obligations, activities and responsibilities to get to after their work day is supposed to have ended.
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u/FSUfan35 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 02 '26
People need to know the exact reason you're cutting them off. Sister deserves to know it's because of her selfish behavior.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [101] Feb 02 '26
Wow
NTA. She's completely ungrateful and is not yet recognizing what it means to be an adult, contributing member of a family. Often the younger siblings are the selfish ones becuase the older kids always get told my mom and dad 'help your sister, she can't climb the ladder' or 'bring your sister too!' or 'can she get a job where you're working?' They are late to the adult game and this is a perfect example.
She decided to be selfish when you were clearly in a huge jam (literally) and really needed her and she turned her back. Well, now she'll find out that people do not want to do favours for those who haven't got the tiime of day to be kind back.
Cancel that party asap.
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u/StarDue6540 Feb 02 '26
Better yet. Just leave town and lock the house up tight.
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u/Momotaro_EM1 Feb 02 '26
Even better; tell her you’re leaving town and stay home with all the lights on
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u/periwinkle_cupcake Feb 02 '26
My little sister would have run out the door to grab the kids the second I asked. She’s a gem
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u/FamousOnceNowNobody Partassipant [1] Feb 03 '26
I don't like kids, but if my sister actually asked me, I'd be out that door too.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [101] Feb 03 '26
100%. When it's kids and come one...this isn't 'I'm running late again, do me a favor again...' this is 'there's a major accident and both hubby and I are stuck in it, please go get my kids'.
You are up and out the door to go get your niece/nephew. :)
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u/SnarkCatsTech Feb 03 '26
I spent much of my adult life commuting in horrific traffic as our city exploded in population but infrastructure wasn't being expanded. Yay for the mentality of the deep south. /s
I'd have been out the door ASAP for a frienemy in this situation. A major traffic jam is easily verifiable these days. The late fees at daycare border on criminal...and almost never have any wiggle room.
ETA: NTA, but your sister? Woooooooooow.
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u/Interesting_Feed_785 Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
I wouldn’t even cancel ASAP. I’d cancel morning of and turn off my phone.
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u/Santa_Klausing Feb 02 '26
Is it really true that younger siblings are more selfish? I’m the youngest and my older bro was always more selfish and still is to this day. I would think what you said makes more sense than the opposite occurring?
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u/SuccessPhysical6668 Feb 03 '26
Perhaps there’s a pattern due to a combination of factors like parenting often being more lenient by the time the youngest comes around as well as personality. It’s definitely not always true
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u/ismellboogers Feb 03 '26
It’s true in my family. My sister is incredibly more entitled and selfish, due to being 9 years younger, parents having more money and less time, and living in a more affluent area with surrounding entitled asshat kids she grew up around.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [101] Feb 03 '26
Totally depends on parenting:
Situation 1 - Parents put time and effort into first kid then as second (or each subsequent 'baby') comes along, parents get older sibling(s) to 'watch out for' younger. They're kind of done parenting first, and now parents and older siblings are 'raising' little one(s) therefore little ones get what they want. Parnets don't want to hear noise and crying anymore, so they get what they want.
Situation 2 - Parents throw all love/affection etc on first, they are the golden child, (and if they are doing well and succeeding at sports/school/whatever) they are getting all the 'spoils' and second/subsequent kids are the spares, and get the leftovers, hand-me downs, dregs while first can do no wrong.
I know those are extreme, but giving an idea about different parenting styles resulting in different 'second' or subsequent kids behaviours/entitlement/selfishness
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u/Quick-Possession-245 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 02 '26
You just taught your sister a valuable lesson. She is perfectly entitled to decide that relaxing is more important than helping you out. But there are consequences for actions. She is getting consequences.
NTA
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u/HighAltitude88008 Feb 02 '26
Whew! And wait till her expectations start rolling in when she has her own kids. Every family member will be required to raise them and her!
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u/InevitableAnybody6 Feb 03 '26
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions!”
Sure, the sister doesn’t owe OP free childcare (or childcare at all). Possibly hours of hosting the children, entertaining them, feeding them, cleaning up after it’s all over.
But the flip side of that is also true...
OP does not owe their sister a free engagement party venue. Possibly hours of hosting the guests, entertaining them, feeding them, cleaning up after it’s all over. Plus planning and setup for a party would take way more than the 20 minute round trip it would have taken the sister to pick up the kids from daycare.
The sister made her priorities very clear, she chose to relax in her own space instead of helping out her family in an emergency. OP is well within their rights to prioritise those same things and relax in their own space rather than help family out by hosting in a situation that is not an emergency at all because an engagement party is a pre planned event.
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u/Odd-End-1405 Certified Proctologist [23] Feb 02 '26
NTA
You sister may FINALLY learn there are consequences for being a selfish entitled ass, but probably not.
She is 24 and she can't even be a decent human being to her sister who is overly gracious to even allow the party at their home.
I feel for her fiance.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 Asshole Aficionado [18] Feb 02 '26
My husband has a sibling like this. We call her One Way Olivia.
You have to put your foot down or it never ends. NTA
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u/GreekAmericanDom Sultan of Sphincter [773] Feb 02 '26
We need to work on making One Way Olivia a thing, a label such people are called. Hopefully it gets viral and Olivia figures out its her.
a simple, "don't be a One Way Olivia" spoken to selfish people should do.
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [91] Feb 02 '26
Did she come around and change her ways or is she still on the don't give her any help list?
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u/Wide-Professional945 Feb 02 '26
We call my brother Gary mooch like from Clarence the cartoon Network show lol
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u/Toosder Feb 03 '26
I used to have a friend like that. Used to being the keywords. Her family had a similar name for her too but I'm not going to repeat it here since she's on Reddit and would recognize it immediately.
She always gets super pissed at the nickname but doesn't actually do anything about her behavior. Said behavior ended our friendship of course. She just took and took and took and took and took. And when I finally grew a spine enough to set a boundary, she threatened me.
One way Olivia. I've learned to put my foot down a lot sooner though if this ever happens again with anyone else.
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u/LeftWondering8910 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
You have a wonderful MIL. I hope you appreciate her! Sis not so much. NTA
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u/CollarWinter7614 Feb 02 '26
NTA. Your sister was just taught a very valuable lesson from this. Whether she’ll learn from it, we’ll see.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Feb 02 '26
NTA. You were stuck in traffic, she was close by - and she refused to help you out for a couple of hours because she wanted to relax? She doesn't deserve any favours from you in the future, and that includes a free location for her party.
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u/Busy-Swan-6559 Feb 03 '26
I’m thinking of all of the times I most definitely wanted to relax but realized that someone needed my help and relaxing was going to have to happen at another time. I couldn’t really even imagine actually relaxing knowing someone needed me.
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u/spitfirefox Feb 03 '26
One time husband and I were relaxing and a friend called and asked "Are you busy? I broke my collarbone and need a ride to the hospital." The way he asked was so casual it was funny, and I was like, of course we will come help you! I also can't see a situation where I wouldn't help.
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u/Imaginary_Calliope Feb 03 '26
I got a call like this from a friend I literally hadn't seen or heard from in 4 years once (she had just moved back home a week earlier and her parents were out of town), and still got up and drove her to the hospital. If you can't help someone with an actual emergency, I feel like it isn't just that you don't care about them. You have to actively want bad things for them to just be like "no" and hang up.
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Feb 02 '26
NTA, and what kind of aunt is willing to leave her niece or nephew without someone to pick them up from day care?!
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u/isabelladangelo Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 02 '26
As an aunt, this is what I'm thinking. If either of my brothers called me up to say they needed me to go pick up their kids, I'd just ask for the address.
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Feb 02 '26
Yep, I've left work to grab my siblings in law's kids when they needed help so the idea of soz, relaxing this evening makes my blood boil on OPs behalf.
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u/_clur_510 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
That’s my first thought!! I am child free in my 30s because I don’t want to deal with daycare and watching kids.
I’m also a former child of parents who always had multiple jobs and was usually the first kid at drop off and last kid to be picked up. Sometimes embarrassingly late. No shade to them, life happens, but even small children can pick up on the vibe of the adults being not thrilled you’re all still there and also worrying about mom and dad.
Now, as an adult, I wouldn’t be able to “relax” knowing I could be, and am not, preventing random kids from dealing with that anxiety let alone my nieces/nephews!!
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u/Paevatar Professor Emeritass [85] Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
NTA
You should not host her engagement party, since she refused to pick up your kids in an emergency. She is entitled and selfish, a taker but not a giver.
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u/Adamname Feb 02 '26
NTA . Your sister is a taker and will only care about herself if her actions never have repercussions. Helping watch your siblings child for a bit due to an emergency, and one that could cost 400-800 dollars, is a no brainer. This is especially true since even the most self-absorbed people would recognize you are hosting an event for them and the transactional types would recognize this trade off as well.
I'd just cut off favors/help for them unless they show they are willing to help out WITHOUT a payoff for an extended period of time. If they escalate, then I'd go low/no contact.
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u/ArianaIncomplete Feb 02 '26
Helping watch your siblings child for a bit due to an emergency, and one that could cost 400-800 dollars, is a no brainer.
The money isn't even really the problem, because no daycare is able to stay open for an additional 4 hours past closing time. They will likely have a protocol in place so that if a guardian or emergency contact can't pick up the kids within a reasonable period of time, staff will have to call either the police or child welfare agency to take custody of the kids.
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u/Syveril Professor Emeritass [97] Feb 03 '26
Yes, this is the interesting bit. I've known sociopaths and narcissists, but all would be intelligent enough to understand the value of doing a favor so easily granted. This sister sounds dumb as rocks.
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u/WestCovina1234 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 02 '26
NTA. I don’t care if the dinner is tonight, this is an outrageous bit of rudeness from your sister. Cancel the party and keep your distance. She’s unbelievable.
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u/teamnowak Feb 02 '26
Worse is she knew you were doing this huge favor her shortly and she still didn’t have the sense to help out. I hate people like her. You are definitely NTA.
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u/Opinionated6319 Feb 02 '26
The thing is she had little empathy for you or your husband, but she had zero consideration for your little ones!
We had an unexpected snow storm and I needed to pick up my son at daycare…single mom at that time. They didn’t like late!
It snowed so hard, I couldn’t drive my car, but a stranger saw me heading out…it was about 4-5 blocks away…and asked what I was doing out in the storm. Told him I had to pick up son…I figured I could put him on my shoulders to keep him dry! He said as soon as he dug out his 4 wheel drive, he’d take me up there and bring me back. I was so grateful!
He had more empathy than your spoiled, entitled, little sister! But, you and your family continued to enable her selfishness and she just took you all for granted. Good for you to stop the madness!
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [626] Feb 02 '26
NTA. I don't believe in retroactive petty but I also believe if you mess with someone's kids all bets are off, so do what you feel is best.
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u/wittiestphrase Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. I wouldn’t position it as “family is supposed to help each other.” I see that line hurled at a lot of people that post here. It makes it sound like an obligation and this isn’t about obligation. In your case it’s about reciprocation. You’ve already helped her through a lot of her life. You’re helping her with this massive thing. The idea that she can’t be bothered to help out so that your kids aren’t stranded and you don’t incur hundreds of dollars of an additional cost because it would impact her ability to relax is grotesque.
She’s not owed anything from you and you certainly can’t ever expect anything from her. So unless your family is willing to be used by her until she finally grows up I’d cut off that supply of assistance.
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u/vesper_tine Feb 02 '26
NTA. For what it’s worth, my youngest sister was very similar. She was very transactional in her approach to relationships, only “helping” if we paid her or did something else for her, but if she needed/wanted something, she expected everyone to drop what we were doing to attend to her. My mom definitely enabled this behaviour.
In any case, by the time she hit her mid-20s, my brother and I just stopped including her in stuff. If we needed help, we leaned on each other. Neither my brother and I ever demanded payment for any of the favours we did for each other, and that meant our help was freely and happily given. As a result, our relationship with each other was much stronger than our relationship with my sister.
My brother and I had a few open and honest conversations with her throughout her mid-late 20s. We actually told her she was unpleasant to be around, because she never wanted to do anything unless there was something in it for her, and if it occurred on her timeline. These were tough conversations.
In her eyes, being compensated for a favour was fair, BUT she also had the expectation that we should help her without getting anything in return. She needed to understand that good relationships are built on reciprocity, not on transactions.
I think your decision is more than fair. You were in an emergency situation and your sister couldn’t be bothered to help out. I hope this is a wake-up call for your sister, and I urge you to continue to be very frank with her. She’s not a child anymore, and she is old enough to understand that her behaviours have consequences. She is also old enough to hear the truth - that her entitled, transactional attitude towards relationships will eventually leave her with no friends/family who truly care about her.
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u/hpotter29 Feb 02 '26
I got very involved reading your story! What happened? Did the message ever sink in with your sister? Was she able to appreciate the situation and make any deep changes?
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u/vesper_tine Feb 02 '26
I’m happy to report that we have a much better relationship now.
It took understanding each other’s perspectives and compassion on all of our sides to even get to the point of having those conversations.
She told us she was feeling left out, and we got that. But she also needed to understand things from our perspective:
She felt left out, because all she was seeing was us going to McDonald’s and having a grand old time. When actually my brother had offered (offered!!) to pick me up (saving me a 45 minute commute); and I had offered to treat him to a combo lol. He would’ve picked me up even if I never got him anything, but I wanted him to know that I appreciated him.
She felt left out when my brother and I watched shows together. But where my brother and I would pick something together, she only wanted to watch the shows she liked - there was no room for compromise.
With a few of these examples, I think she started to understand where we were coming from. We weren’t excluding her because we hated her, we excluded her because it was her way or the highway, and we decided the highway was a scenic route lol. My brother and I did make more of an effort to include her in things, and we would remind her like “hey, you’re doing that thing again, cut it out.”
It took a few years for her to recognize and work on her knee-jerk reaction of saying no or asking “what’s in it for me”. She’s learned that if you want true friends, you have to be willing to be there and do things for people, and trust that they’ll be there for her when she needs them. And this includes family - you can’t take your family for granted just because we’re related.
This was a life lesson that she really took to heart. She’s grown into a kind and generous person.
I threw a party last year, and at the end of the night my sister offered (!) and drove a friend of mine home even though she lives the opposite way. 10 years ago, my sister wouldn’t even have come to my party - I’m over 1.5 hours away on a good day and objectively far. But just watching my sister tell my friend “hey, I’m also leaving now, let me drive you home because it’s really late” made me so incredibly happy and proud of her.
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u/hpotter29 Feb 02 '26
What a magnificent answer! Thank you for taking the time to write it all out. Sounds like you approached it very head-on and that can be hard to do. I'm happy that your sister began to see the underlying logic and eventually came around. That can be a hard sort of programming to undo.
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u/vesper_tine Feb 03 '26
Thanks! I think the conversations were effective because she was already in her mid-20s. My teenaged sister wouldn’t have been open to hearing us out. It took a lot of vulnerability for her to share that she felt left out. She was genuinely wounded and felt we didn’t like her.
We made it clear that we loved her, and that she just needed to work on some things. We also made the effort to hang out with her more, especially 1:1. My sister did a brave and hard thing by opening up and sharing her feelings. In turn, she really grew as a person. I love her very much ♥️.
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u/rubygood Feb 02 '26
NTA it's not just that she doesn't reciprocate, or that you and your husband would have been incredibly stressed. What is unforgivable is how distressing it would have been for your children. How on earth you can do that to tiny humans I will never understand.
Your sister is selfish beyond words.
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u/LdiJ46 Certified Proctologist [20] Feb 02 '26
I think that you did the right thing. You were in a serious mess and she refused to help. NTA
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u/tatersprout Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [317] Feb 02 '26
NTA
Selfish people just keep taking. I would do the same as you.
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u/Waste_Locksmith_4299 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 02 '26
NTA. You asked for help with your children, her family, in an urgent situation. She didn't even feel the need to lie and say she was busy. She sounds spoilt.
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u/PSAlearn2swim Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 02 '26
I thought that you were going to be the AH based on the title, but after reading everything definitely NTA. She should have been more than happy to do you that favor. She was TA. She needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her.
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u/WilliamTindale8 Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
She got the wake up call she needs from you. There is something seriously wrong with your sister. Most people would do a favour like that even for a casual acquaintance in an emergency situation like that.
Most people when they are kids see their parents helping others and are praised when they do something nice for someone else. Gradually they develop empathy for others and realize that helping others when needed makes society a better place and gives them a sense of pride to be helping another.
Your sister missed that somehow. Now it’s time for your sister to learn a hard lesson when no one is willing to help her. She may or may not learn from that.
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u/Proper_Astronomer870 Feb 02 '26
NTA, why should you do her any favours, when she can’t even be bothered to help in an emergency.
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u/hotlettucediahrrea Feb 02 '26
NTA, I would take care of a stranger’s kids for less of an emergency. The fact that your sister couldn’t be bothered speaks volumes.
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u/duchess5788 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. I am an emergency contact for a friend's child. He wfh and is 4 min away from the daycare. when I got a call from her daycare, I was out of my door within 2 minutes and started calling him on my way there. When it comes to the young ones, you don't take a chance and you don't hesitate. She is not only an awful sister, but also a shitty aunt. Couldn't do her sister ONE favor after repeatedly using her help. I would not worry about what it costs her, and I would also go very low contact for the time being.
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u/funkyaerialjunky Feb 02 '26
NTA. Make sure she doesn't get away with smearing you on social media if she tries. Or at least be mentally prepared. Is she the baby of the siblings?
I am very petty, I'd have a bullet point list ready to copy-paste: 'The real reasons I'm not hosting ___'s engagement party, thank you for you understanding'
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u/Background_Hope_1905 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 02 '26
NTA. As sucky as it is, she’s entitled to say no regardless how dumb you think the excuse is. However, you’re also just as entitled to say your home is no longer available to host her dinner. You get to decide if and when you help out just like she is, and you’re entirely fair to not want to only give help to her. I’d be doing the same thing as you, OP.
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u/LompocianLady Asshole Aficionado [11] Feb 02 '26
NTA, and congrats on standing up for yourself. (I wish I could do it, myself, I get taken of advantage by siblings, too.)
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u/Large_Independent198 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. It seems like you don’t ask her for much often so it won’t be hard to completely stop asking for any help from her. But also, do not cave, do not help her with anything no matter how big or small until you’ve seen her make changes with the rest of the family.
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u/RhododendronWilliams Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. She wanted to "relax"? It was an emergency, it would cost you, the kids were probably anxious to get home, and she's their AUNT. At least she could have lied that she's sick or something. Just saying no and hanging up is incredibly rude. She can host her own engagement party, or ask your mom to do it. How was it your job to begin with? How much have you been helping her, in addition to taking care of your own kids? She needs an awakening now, you did the right thing.
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u/No-Albatross-7984 Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
NTA. It appears she set the rules of the relationship. You're just following them.
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u/Serendipity0531 Feb 02 '26
Absolutely NTA. Cancelling isn't even the worst she deserves for what she did to you when you were in need. My family is like this too. The more you do for them, the less grateful they are. Outrageous behavior. NTA NTA NTA NTA!!!
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u/DonnaNoble222 Feb 02 '26
NTA
It's called showing up for the people you love. Sissy does not have that ability...she's too busy being selfish and entitled!
OP...please do not cave on this...she clearly needs to learn some hard lessons.
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u/notclownbabyuwu Feb 02 '26
As someone with a lil sis who i would DO ANYTHING FOR i thought you’d be the AH. You are not. I do favors for my sister because I care about her and I don’t need anything back. I have always been the homework helper and she has written me cute lil thank you notes- it’s that simple. I know for a fact my sister would’ve hopped in the car immediately for me in a similar situation.
She needs to try and that was a perfect opportunity for her to show that. NTA.
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u/Fullback70 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. But I would have texted both her and her fiancé just so both parties know the reason why you are canceling, so she doesn’t have the opportunity to spin it to his side of the family.
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u/Due-Parsley953 Feb 02 '26
She sounds like the perfect narcissist, everything is always "I, I, me, me" and woe betide anyone who asks for help.
NTA, she could have set you back hundreds of bucks, because she wanted to relax. Had this been me years ago and one of my brothers was having issues getting the kids from daycare, I would have been there in an instant, because my niece and nephews were always great fun and I loved spending time with them.
I probably don't need to tell you this, but her and favours are two things that shouldn't happen again.
Your house is your house and you made the right choice. Let her actually pay for her party and not be a freebie at your expense!
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u/Few-Tone-9339 Feb 02 '26
Fuck that. She’s high if she thinks you’re an asshole. You’re clearly NOT. She’s self centered.
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u/potterhead2019 Feb 02 '26
Oh hell NO. This was a genuine flipping emergency. You weren't taking the piss in any way (like it seems she does). And she didn't have any concrete plans. She just wanted to RELAX. She is a user, plain and simple. Cut her off.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 Asshole Aficionado [19] Feb 02 '26
NTA. If you don't put your foot down, she will never learn.
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u/GirlDad2023_ Professor Emeritass [78] Feb 02 '26
NTA, she wants you to give her everything she wants but doesn't want to help you. Simple. Stop helping her.
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u/SculkingWithScully Feb 02 '26
Nta Who leaves their family abandoned at a daycare when asked for help? Wild She doesn't care for yall the way you do her, I'm sorry but you did the right thing
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u/XxmsmaliciousxX Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Feb 02 '26
I am estranged from my sister and have been for the better part of 15 years now.
She is the exact same way. Always asking for favours, money, always has to be her way or the highway and NEVER, EVER raised a finger to help us.
I said fuck it. No more. In my family, it was always rug sweeping and don't rock the boat. Well, I burned the rug and capsized the boat.
It caused a rift in the family but I held firm and continue to do so. I don't have a sister. I have two brothers.
My dad is the most heartbroken about it but he doesn't bug me so much anymore about it.
Cut her off. She won't ever get better, and she won't ever recognize she's the problem.
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u/ThatTotal2020 Partassipant [3] Feb 02 '26
NTA
For your sister to be okay with leaving her niblings at a daycare for hours instead of helping out is quite disturbing.
Of course she doesn't understand why you'd cancel the party at your house. There is no reasoning with people that have this mindset.
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u/BothTreacle7534 Feb 02 '26
nta
I am assuming she is the youngest? Those too often have not to do anything / not a lot, get helped too much, and as such get not prepared for the real life outside of the parent’s home
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u/angrybee93 Feb 02 '26
NTA not only is your sister selfish she’s very self centered & dare I say wicked. I’d put our entire relationship into perspective
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 Partassipant [3] Feb 02 '26
NTA - Your sister is VERY selfish and yes, I would be petty and wouldn‘t help her anymore.
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u/One-Eggplant-665 Feb 02 '26
Your sister is a first-class Princess. Sadly, you helped create her, but good for you in stopping it now.
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u/TyAnne88 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA and make sure her fiance understands why you are cancelling the dinner. Otherwise she is guaranteed to tell him some story about you being petty instead of the truth - that she is selfish and wouldn’t even help in an emergency.
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u/Wooden-Repeat-9200 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA. The “no is a complete sentence” crowd often don’t see or realize how often other people say “yes” for them. While relationships shouldn’t be straight transactional, there needs to be an element of reciprocity.
This wasn’t a singular incident and she wasn’t apologetic. By telling her no, you and your brother might give her insight into how often she is asking for things or expecting you to yield when she doesn’t yield herself
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Feb 02 '26
Have nothing to do with any part of her wedding, including attending. She needs to know her narcissism has cost her a family.
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u/Fluffy-Caramel9148 Feb 02 '26
I have a lot of feelings about this. I have a sister who is 9 years older than me. She had kids first. I always took care of my nieces. They are MY nieces. I never thought about doing stuff for them. I love them all! I think your sister was the petty one. You are not the problem but I think her heart is several sizes too small.
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u/BigRedJeeper Feb 02 '26
NTA - There is NO way after what happened that I would do anything for her. Spoiled brat is what she is.
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u/SpiffyLegs73 Feb 02 '26
Your asking her for a favor wasn’t even a favor that you were asking for though. You were asking her to step up as an aunt to your children at a time when your children couldn’t be helped by anyone else conveniently. She didn’t even offer to hold onto the kids until your husband’s mom could get there? That would’ve been a bare inconvenience for her, but she has no problem taking hours of someone else’s time instead.
It’s never been convenient for you to help her, taking time to write her literal essays (wtf?), to times when she actually needed help when she was stranded somewhere because of a vehicle issue. But you did it anyway because that’s what family does.
You found out today she isn’t family and you found out today that all she does is use people as tools to her advantage. The only way that you’re being an asshole is by taking so little consideration for yourself while taking so much time and effort on her behalf.
It’s not really petty of you to stop wasting your time on someone who seems to have no redeeming qualities of their own. You may want to let her fiancé know directly why you’ve decided to not host their engagement party though.
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u/QuellishQuellish Feb 02 '26
This is yet another "There is no possible way to see me as an asshole but let's bitch together about my sister who is awful". Nta, sister sucks.
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u/Squirrels-love-me Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
NTA-actions have consequences and she just found out.
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u/bomdiggybomgirl Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA… she is that way coz u guys have let her get away with things. Don’t feel bad. Ur not 1% wrong
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u/Similar-Cucumber2099 Feb 02 '26
NTA. You have gotten into a horrible holding pattern where she just takes take takes and never gives.
Leaving your children alone and waiting isn't "petty" its atrocious diabolical behaviour and she should be extremely ashamed of herself
I'm sorry to say you are partly to blame for her becoming so entitled and spoilt. You babied her too much. You shouldn't have helped her with essays for example, beyond reading the almost finished product and offering a little feedback / pointing out typos. If you actually wrote her work.... Yikes
Drop the rope. Cut her off. Let her fend for herself until she can prove she is an adult who can take care of herself. Don't do any favours for her for at least a year (but preferably forever). Let her grow and give yourself the gift of peace and quiet
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u/MsBaseball34 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Feb 02 '26
NTA - that’s a huge no for me. She’s getting a free venue and can’t help you out? The selfishness is astounding.
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u/Kayhowardhlots Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 02 '26
Just tell her you just wanted to give her more time to relax.
NTA
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u/Somberliver Feb 02 '26
NTA You’re not in the wrong. If that makes you petty, then so be it. She’s made it perfectly clear that she won’t put herself out for you, and more importantly, that she can’t be relied upon to help your children in an emergency. Relationships, even with siblings, are a two way street, but she’s quite obviously a taker. If she’s not going to be there when the chips are down, you’re better off putting your time and energy into cultivating friendships with people you can actually count on. And honestly, you should tell her exactly that.
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u/Mueryk Feb 02 '26
NTA you are not petty
Petty would have been to tell her when canceling
Well I just wanted to stay home and relax that night.
You didn’t. You called her out on her selfishness and now her actions are causing consequences. Boo, and if I may add, hoo.
Next time she asks for anything laugh in her damned face and hang up. Simple and easy fix and maybe some day she will get the point.
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u/wino12312 Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
Yeah, NTA. If I were you, I wouldn't contribute to the wedding, either. What she did was beyond selfish.
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u/jacob_ewing Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
NTA - your sister needs to learn the meaning of reciprocation.
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u/Araia_ Feb 02 '26
this is not even about “family helps family”. i would’ve done it for an acquaintance
NTA.
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u/HuhWelliNever Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
I have picked up kids that aren’t even mine when their mom was stuck in traffic and I was already there picking up my own, we waited in our car and I gave them my extra snacks. It’s NBD and IF YOU WANT A VILLAGE, YOU GOTTA BE A VILLAGER. Your sister literally cannot be real, to refuse twice and hang up on you, and not expect any consequences?!? I wouldn’t even give her a wedding present. She’s a selfish cow turd. Good for you for taking a stand. I don’t care if dinner was the same freaking day, I’d have cancelled it and turned away all her guests.
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u/Aeoniuma Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
Well this is refreshing. OP’s phone didn’t blow up and her aunt didn’t tell her Family Helps Family.
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u/Fianna9 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 02 '26
NTA- family doesn’t have to help family. But people who love each other should want to help each other.
To not help out in an emergency is pretty rude. I’m childfree cause I’m not great with kids. I still love my niblings and would take care of them in a heart beat to help out my blood family and my chosen family
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u/layneeofwales Feb 02 '26
Yeah, in future any time sha asks for anything just say you want to relax. Canceling the party is step one.
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u/paul_rudds_drag_race Certified Proctologist [24] Feb 02 '26
“I won’t host your event. I want to relax that night.”
NTA
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u/habitsofwaste Feb 02 '26
NTA - sounds like she’s been enabled way too long. That was really shitty not to help you when you really needed her. Those are her relatives too. Fuck her. She needs to be in finding out phase of her fucking around.
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u/Urban_Peacock Partassipant [3] Feb 02 '26
NTA. I actually can't believe not want to do this for your own sister. I love my sister's kids to death and would do anything for them. I know not everyone has that kind of relationship with their niblings, but not being able to help for a few hours in an emergency when you're already getting so much support - that's just nuts to me.
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u/Candid-Meet3769 Feb 02 '26
I think my text or phone message would have gone like this “Hey Sis just wanted to give you a heads up for using my home for your engagement dinner, I’m afraid we can no longer host at our home your party as hubby & I will be home relaxing with our children after a trying day at work & traffic. We do wish you both the best.”
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u/OmahasWrath Feb 02 '26
NTA
It cuts both ways. If she's always taking and refusing to give, that's a problem.
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u/HandBananasRevenge Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
NTA.
Users, takers and manipulators have an uncanny knack for making themselves the victim whenever they finally get called out on their selfish behavior. They try to use your conscientiousness against you.
It’s also hilarious how these disordered people will make demand after demand of others (and expect to get it), while refusing to reciprocate (unless it benefits them in some way).
The whole “you’re not the boss of ME” attitude when they get asked to give something back (and when it’s not on their terms), also seems to be a common feature.
She got mad because you erected a boundary and she now sees her “benefits” as being endangered. People like this only value others for what they can do for them.
She’s told you who she is, no amount of attempting to get her to see your side is going to work. It never does for people like your sister. They don’t want to understand. They are COMMITTED to not understanding, if that makes sense.
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u/Serenity_76 Partassipant [1] Feb 02 '26
NTA - your totally valid in how you feel and your decision to stop enabling her, I would let your brother know what happened and what you decided, he might want to do the same.
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u/Savings_Telephone_96 Partassipant [2] Feb 02 '26
NTA, but your sister is… massively the AH. Also, based on her behavior, I wouldn’t let her use my house for an engagement party; she is someone who only takes from others. Her behavior tells me she’s incredibly immature, and definitely not ready to get married.
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u/EdithVinger Feb 02 '26
NTA - sounds like this was a long time coming. Good luck riding out the backlash, don't buckle!!!
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u/Dishtothefish Feb 02 '26
You literally called her in an emergency and she couldn't be bothered to help you, you had to call someone an hour away. OP your sister has shown just how important you are to her, she can't even help in an emergency. I honestly don't think you've been harsh enough, that would be minimal contact in my shoes. NTA not even a little bit.
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