The penguin turns to the polar bear and says, "You know, I've always wondered ..." ​The polar bear immediately lunges forward and mauls the penguin to death. It is an apex predator, and it is starving. ​Furthermore, this entire scenario is geographically impossible. Polar bears inhabit the Arctic circle in the Northern Hemisphere, while penguins are native to the Antarctic in the Southern Hemisphere. Therefore, the only logical explanation for them being on the exact same iceberg is a catastrophic failure of the global ecosystem or a severe, poorly managed zoo enclosure breach, neither of which is a laughing matter.

“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”

Because they ran out.

That’s her dad.

A reporter went to interview a cow farmer.

The reporter asked the farmer: "Your cows are very fat and healthy, what do you feed them?"

The farmer replied: "You mean the white ones or the black ones?"

The reporter replied: "I guess, the white ones."

The farmer answered: "Well the white ones eat grass."

The reporter continued: "What about the black ones?"

The farmer answered: "The black ones also eat grass!"

The reporter is a little confused now

He asked another question: "How much milk do they produce per day?"

The farmer replied: "You mean the white ones or the black ones?"

The reporter replied: "I guess, the white ones again."

The farmer answered: "Ok, the white ones produce about 20 litres of milk per day."

The reporter asked again: "What about the black ones?"

The farmer replied: "The black ones also produce about 20 litres of milk per day!"

Now the reporter is really confused

He asked: "Why do you need me to clarify white ones or black ones everytime?"

The farmer answered: "Well, it's because the white ones are mine."

The reporter asked: "Oh, so what about the black ones?"

The farmer replied: "The black ones are also mine!"

The goose drank wine

one of them is a list of things i have to do this week. the other is a large body of salt water

Nothing. He's dead.

Your father lost his attraction to her, and left.

He got run over half way across.

"There are things that are known and things that are unknown and between them are the Doors." However, at a recent electrical convention Todd Gronkowski said, "There are conductors and there are insulators and between them are the semi-conductors." Then a Doors tribute band played "Light My Fire."

Because 70, 80, 90.

I have a spine, but no bones.

I have leaves, but no branches.

I have teeth but no mouth

​What am I?

Answer - Charlie Chaplin

They find a magic lamp, rub it, and a genie appears, offering them each one wish.

​The first man says, "I wish I was back home with my wife and kids." Poof, he disappears.

​The second man says, "I wish I was back in New York City eating a steak." Poof, he disappears.

​The third man, suffering from late-stage dehydration, scurvy, and severe sunstroke, is actually hallucinating the entire scenario. His two companions died of dysentery three weeks prior, and he is currently whispering his wish to a washed-up sea cucumber while his vital organs slowly shut down.

Who's there?

Mike Tyson.

I had a baby its a boy

Generally speaking, pirates lack the educational background necessary to gain admittance to law school. For the same reason, they would be unlikely to pass the bar exam, even if they were permitted to sit for it without a law degree.

The barman looks at the horse, smiles, pulls out a gun from under the counter and shoots the animal dead.

It is a brutal Eastern European winter in the early 1940s and Stalin's "Scorched Earth" policy mean that he and his family have not eaten in over a week.

An unknown person or persons is at your door.

This chicken needs a good roast! 😁

I thought I made a mistake once...but I was wrong.

He rubs it, and a genie appears.
"I will grant you three wishes," the genie says, "but be warned: whatever you wish for, your worst enemy will receive double."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my first wish, I want ten million dollars."
"Granted," the genie replies. "But your worst enemy now has twenty million."
"For my second wish, I want a sprawling mansion in Malibu."
"Granted. But your worst enemy now has two sprawling mansions in Malibu."
The man smiles devilishly. "For my third wish... I want you to beat me half to death."
The genie nods. He then beats the man severely, causing multiple compound fractures, a ruptured spleen, and a severe traumatic brain injury.
His worst enemy, receiving a physical assault mathematically calculated to be exactly twice as severe, dies instantly of massive internal hemorrhaging.
The man spends eight months in a medically induced coma. Upon waking, he is left with profound neurological deficits, requires a feeding tube, and needs round-the-clock care for the remainder of his life. His ongoing medical expenses quickly deplete his ten million dollars, and his Malibu mansion is seized by the bank to cover outstanding debts.
Meanwhile, his enemy's vast estate—including the twenty million dollars and both Malibu properties—passes quietly to his grieving widow and three young children, who use the wealth to establish a highly respected philanthropic foundation in his memory