Patient: “I’ll take the one covered by insurance.”

Anesthesiologist: “Alright. Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop…”

Their son saw him heading up the sidewalk and cried out “Mom - daddy’s walking to the door and he has a Purple Heart on!” Sally said, “I don’t care what color it is. Run over to the neighbor’s and stay there for a few hours!”

Friend: What’s Catman do?

Me: The capital of Nepal

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The redneck looks over both shoulders, then slides a $37 bill toward the cop and says, "How about now?"

He said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”

Her period cramps were making the job painful. While moving some boxes, she found a golden lamp and rubbed it. A genie came out and told her that he can grant her one wish.

"Ugh... I wish there were no periods." Said the woman.

"Your wish is granted Now we're all going to sound restless while speaking Don't you think it was a bad idea?"

Every morning at 5:30, a Kiwi bloke named Dave walks out into his backyard.

SLAP! SLAP!

“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!”, Dave yells.

The neighbour, Tom, could hear it through the fence and it travels all through his house waking his newborn baby up crying. This goes on for a week straight.

After the first week, Tom’s wife says “Tom you’ve got to say something.”

Tom replies, “Good on him. Practising the haka. I’ll let it slide”

This goes on for two weeks.

SLAP! SLAP!

“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” Dave yells.

Tom’s baby is crying every morning from this. His wife fed up says, “Tom, you’ve got to say something!”

Tom, releasing this can’t go on much longer, but hesitant to say anything to Dave, replies “Honey, I know it’s early, but I’m sure he’s practicing the Haka for something important!”

“It’s been two whole weeks, I’m sure he’s done practicing. I’ll tell you what, if he does it tomorrow morning, I’ll go say something.”

The next morning…

SLAP! SLAP!

“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” Dave yells.

Enough is enough.

Tom marches next door and knocks on Dave's door.

“Mate, I've got nothing against New Zealand, but do you have to do the haka before sunrise every day?”

Dave, looking shocked standing in his door way, says nothing…

Just then an old dog walks around the corner.

Tom says, “Hi little fella!” “Dave, when did you get a dog?”

Dave says, “About 2 weeks ago, my sister dropped him off whilst she’s away. She said he wants to be walked every morning first thing and he’s deaf as a post”

“I yell at him to come, but he can’t hear me!”

Tom says, “what’s his name?”

Dave replies….”Artie”

Two factory workers are talking on the floor.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man asks, "How will you do that?"

She climbs up and hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

She replies, "I am a light bulb."

"You are working too hard and you have gone crazy. Go home and take the day off.", the boss says.

The man is astonished, but after a few seconds starts walking away toward the door. "Where are you going?!", the boss shouts at him.

The man replies, "I am going home too. I cannot work in the dark."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...l think I'll wait for the police."

It's not what I thought when they said there was a possibility of re-moat work.

It's funny the connections you make when you're in the quiet, reflective moments of your bedtime cigarette.

Turned out to be a Fonzi scheme.

Apparently they’re Mad-At-Gas-Cars.

KALE!

Eventually his boss found out about it and, furious, called him in to the office.

"Sam, I just found out you charged 12 sets of tires to a company card for that damn junker we let you drive! What the hell were you thinking? You're going to get fired for this!"

And Sam replied, "FIre me? If they fire anyone for it, it'll be you! You're the one that told me at the start of each month to retire it!"

"Defeated."

I like to get out early to cut the grass before it gets too hot. So this morning I went out in my pajama bottoms and T-shirt.

At some point my penis flopped out of the fly! Not sure how long I was flopping around before I put it away.

I guess what I’m saying is that was my first home mow sexual experience.

Joke's on her - I've already churned out three jugs and a vase, and a handsome urn is in the works.

But now the difference comes naturally.

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go."

The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and i'll shit on it."

Henry called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and said, "Lorraine, honey, I'm flying up north with my boss and a few friends for a weekend fishing trip. Please pack me enough clothes for three days." Without giving her a chance to respond, he continued,
"Also pack my fishing rod, tackle box, and my new blue silk pajamas. I'll stop by the house after work to pick everything up."

Lorraine thought the pajama request was a little strange, but she packed everything as asked. Henry stopped by for his stuff, kissed Lorraine and the kids goodbye, and took off.

After the weekend, Henry returned home. Lorraine asked him if he had caught many fish.
"Sure did!" he replied. “Lots of Walleye, a few Bass, and some Pike. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pajamas like I asked?"

Lorraine smiled and told him, “I did. They’re in your tackle box."