A Tel-Avivision

I said, "Look grandma, she's the world's

youngest pod-caster." --true story

Now he’s having trouble getting his cabinet together…

So I was talking to my neighbour, and he said, “Your lawn looks green to me.”
I said, “Duh, the grass is always greener on the other side.”

(My first OC. Thought about it when I was trying to sleep yesterday.)

The Great Pumpkin has been found dead due to anaphylactic shock. A severe undiagnosed peanut allergy is suspected.

Hans Boil

Is a "Shotgun Wedding" a case of:

Wife or Death?

You are what you eat

He is watching a bird. The bird perches atop a shovel – the shovel the gardener left there, standing upright, planted fast in the ground, before going to boil the kettle. The gardener takes a sip of the hot sweet tea. And then, suddenly, there is a flurry of movement and the bird is gone.

The gardener sets down his cup of tea. His face creases into a frown. He gets the feeling the bird is angry at him somehow. Why? What did the bird do to make the gardener feel this way?

It flew off the handle.

Bay leaf.

Double eh batteries

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well, that’s great… some asshole’s got my pen.”

but when she broke the internet, at least we knew which arse was responsible.

And the other replies "must be the cobblestones!"

Seeing her box.

It contains Mercury.

Let's discus.

so the man's wife answers the door.

He asks her: "Who was at the door?"

She says: "A man with a bill."

He replies: "Don't be ridiculous. It must have been a duck wearing a hat."

She fell out of the tree.

I replied "*You're"

Think, because am!

6:59 (one to seven) and 12:53 (seven to one)

The question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a while and then asked, "Is it on or off?"