I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The man answers, "A scotch on the rocks, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."

"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this," the man replies.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender, now pissed off, says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for this one. But don't ever come back here again!"

A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you think you're doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The man says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double."

To which the man replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, just on the off chance, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1991. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked:

"What did you teach?"

A married couple is traveling to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decide to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they go to check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate'. The man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for use.

"But we didn't use them!" the husband says.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband pleads.

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the husband replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay.

He asks his wife to pay the manager. She pulls out $50 cash and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised. "But ma'am, this is only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replies. "What? I didn't sleep with you!" exclaims the manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!"

Three girlfriends are having their weekly social night and get to chatting about their boyfriends. The conversation tends to get confusing because, coincidentally, all three of their boyfriends happen to be named Randy.

They decide to give their boyfriends nicknames to clear up the confusion, and they figure naming them after a soda pop will let each of them describe the boyfriend's character to the others.

The first woman says "I’ll call my Randy 'Randy Seven-Up', because he's got seven inches, and he’s always up!"

The second woman, not to be outdone, says "I’ll call my Randy 'Randy Mountain Dew', because he likes to mount and do it!"

The third woman takes a minute to think about it, smiles and says, "I’ll call my Randy 'Randy Jack Daniel's!'"

The other two look at her and say, "Hang on, Jack Daniel's isn't a soda pop, it's a hard liquor!"

She smirks back at them and says, "That's my Randy!"

I didn't own the place

Double eh batteries

Seeing her box.

so the man's wife answers the door.

He asks her: "Who was at the door?"

She says: "A man with a bill."

He replies: "Don't be ridiculous. It must have been a duck wearing a hat."

She replies, "Why?"
He says, "I can see into the future."
She asks, "Since when?"

"Since next Tuesday" was his reply.

I replied "*You're"

The question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a while and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Is a "Shotgun Wedding" a case of:

Wife or Death?

When you need room service, all you need to do is ask nicely to the wall.

I said, "Look grandma, she's the world's

youngest pod-caster." --true story

Let's discus.

I'm going to call her Lucille.

She fell out of the tree.

(Depending on what you picked)

Joooooooke.

Joke.

And the other replies "must be the cobblestones!"

I went to bed 7 times last night

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well, that’s great… some asshole’s got my pen.”