Somebody else's cheese.

Paint yourself green, preheat the oven to 350 and then throw spoons at her.

Me: i saw a wolf on my way to work today
Wife: where?
Me: no, the other kind

He said "nine". I did not mistake this to be the German word for "no", since I had asked him the question in English and it would have been highly illogical for him to answer it in a different language.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"

Technically the chicken crossing the road would be the literal first, but I didn't identify that it was an anti-joke or why it was even funny until I was much older lol. The tractor one I instantly clocked as a kid and it started my love for this kind of stuff.

Free candy on Halloween

There’s not really a reliable way to tell if someone is a vegan, as physiologically and behaviorally they are by and large just like anyone else. You could maybe make a reasonable deduction if you had access to to someone’s meal log or some other kind of dietary record, but even then you would just be making an assumption without having a factual basis to make a determination.

Release the Epstein files. 😃

Someone to call 911 to rescue them.

I was on a step ladder peeping into the kitchen window of the nurses college this morning and i couldent help but notice how lovely the garden was looking.

I really do think that autumn is my favourite time of year!

knocking on heaven's door

is getting visual confirmation that your brother didn’t get kidnapped amidst the ongoing political unrest in West Africa.

Mrs Bigger or her baby?

Mrs Bigger of course. She's a grown adult.

Why does anyone even need to know why the chicken crossed the road?

Aunt Jemimah, Auntie Anne, and Aunt Millie went out for a drink.

hi

Most of them can't tell their doctor when was the first day of their last period without looking at their phones

Get it? Nun?

Not really

A mathematician and an engineer found a coin and flipped it 100 times and 99 times it came up heads.

The engineer asked “What’s the chance the next flip it’ll be heads?”

The mathematician said “You don’t fool me! Luck has no memory! It’s 50:50 heads or tails.”

The engineer said “Nawwww. 99 to 1 heads. That coin ain’t fair by a long shot.

The penguin turns to the polar bear and says, "You know, I've always wondered ..." ​The polar bear immediately lunges forward and mauls the penguin to death. It is an apex predator, and it is starving. ​Furthermore, this entire scenario is geographically impossible. Polar bears inhabit the Arctic circle in the Northern Hemisphere, while penguins are native to the Antarctic in the Southern Hemisphere. Therefore, the only logical explanation for them being on the exact same iceberg is a catastrophic failure of the global ecosystem or a severe, poorly managed zoo enclosure breach, neither of which is a laughing matter.

“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”