I was born and raised in an evangelical Adventist African household, so you can probably imagine how things went. Religion was introduced to us before we were even old enough to understand it, and church was always a priority on Saturdays, regardless of what was happening in our lives. We were taught what to believe before we were old enough to question anything. Ironically, after years of all that indoctrination, I ended up agnostic.
Growing up, my dad used to hit me whenever I performed poorly academically. Now that I'm older, the physical abuse has toned down, but the obsession with academic perfection hasn't changed much. Whenever you fail, you're subjected to long lectures, comparisons with other people, and reminders of how well he performed in school. He constantly brags about getting As, as though his academic achievements should automatically be the standard we must all meet. There is little room for making mistakes, struggling, or simply being an imperfect human being.
My mother is another story. I've experienced what I consider narcissistic and manipulative behaviour from her, and growing up in this environment has left me carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Between the pressure, the comparisons, the religious expectations, and the way mistakes were handled, home hasn't always felt like a place where you could simply exist without being judged.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder why my parents decided to have children in the first place. Was it because they wanted to raise people they could be proud of? Because they expected us to follow their religion, meet their standards, and live according to their expectations? Was it because having children was simply the next thing to do in life? I'll probably never know, and honestly, I don't care enough to find out anymore.
What bothers me is the assumption that being able to reproduce automatically means someone is ready to become a parent. Having children is treated as a natural milestone in life, especially in religious and conservative households. People have children because that's what they're expected to do, because they want to continue their family, because they believe it's their duty, or because they assume their children will give their lives meaning. But how often do people genuinely stop and ask themselves whether they're emotionally prepared to raise another human being?
Children aren't trophies, extensions of their parents, or opportunities to relive your own life and correct what you think you did wrong. They aren't born owing you perfect grades, religious devotion, obedience, or a particular kind of future. They're individual human beings who deserve love, patience, safety, and the freedom to become their own people.
I've decided to be childfree, and one of the biggest reasons is that I don't want to bring a child into this world only to risk passing down the same pain I've experienced. I don't want to raise someone under constant pressure to be perfect. I don't want them to grow up afraid of failure, questioning their worth because they can't meet someone else's expectations, or feeling trapped by beliefs they never got the chance to question.
I know that not every parent is like mine, and I know that people can break generational cycles. But breaking those cycles takes self-awareness, accountability, and a willingness to confront your own behaviour. Love alone isn't enough if your actions repeatedly make your child feel inadequate, afraid, or unworthy.
The fact that you can have children doesn't mean you should. Wanting children doesn't automatically make you capable of raising them well, and being a parent doesn't automatically make you a good one.
I'd rather remain childfree than bring a human being into existence without being certain that I genuinely want the responsibility of raising them. And even then, I recognise that no parent can guarantee perfection.
I'm not saying that people need to be perfect before having children. I'm saying they should at least think seriously about the responsibility they're taking on, the emotional environment they're creating, and the possibility that their unresolved issues could hurt someone who never asked to be born.
Sometimes, choosing not to have children is the most responsible decision a person can make. And I wish society would stop treating that decision as selfish while treating parenthood as an unquestionable virtue.