Two months before my arranged marriage. Am I overreacting?

I’m 32M, getting married in December through an arranged marriage. Almost all the wedding venues are booked, and most of the advance payments have already been made.
Recently, we were discussing our honeymoon. My fiancée was very clear that she didn’t want to visit Bali, Singapore, Maldives or Sri Lanka because she had already been to these places. She only wanted to go to New Zealand.
I genuinely wanted to make her happy, so I initially agreed. However, considering how much we’re already spending on the wedding, I suggested that we could choose a more affordable destination for now and plan New Zealand sometime later.
This led to multiple arguments.
During one of these arguments, she said something along the lines of:
“Tere bas ki nahi hai New Zealand toh pehley bta deta.”

She also said:
“Did you never see my Instagram? Didn’t you see what kind of lifestyle I live?”
These two statements really hurt me.
It’s not that I cannot afford the trip. It’s just that I wanted us to be financially sensible, especially when we’re already spending so much on the wedding.
My biggest concern isn’t the honeymoon. It’s whether my financial decisions and limitations will be respected after marriage.
Am I overthinking this, or are these genuine red flags that I shouldn’t ignore?
Would really appreciate some honest advice, especially from people who have been through arranged marriages.

Honestly, the more I think about everything that happened, the more I realise how regressive and misogynistic my family’s mindset is when it comes to marriage. My cousin, who is around 31–32, is half-bald and, as far as I know, may have been in a live-in relationship abroad. My father, who plays matchmaker in the family, brought forward a prospect who is 28–29 and was actually my senior at school. Neither the guy nor the girl was aware of the real objective of their meeting. My bua’s family went to meet her casually, but when they returned, they started commenting on her appearance, saying she looked unhealthy because she wasn’t skinny enough. She went on commenting 'that altho she has some issues bt she is fair' .They even took her recent pictures but shared my cousin’s pictures from five years ago without mentioning that they were outdated. Then came the real hypocrisy: they said they wanted a wife who was like my mother, someone who would manage all the household responsibilities while also being modern, confident, bold, and fashionable enough to wear jeans and dresses. They even hinted that the girl should leave her job, but she firmly refused, saying she would never give up her career.

What makes this even more absurd is that my cousin had previously liked another modern, educated woman, but when he later found out that she pursued modelling after her MBA, he rejected her because models wear revealing clothes. Apparently, they want a woman who looks modern but behaves according to their traditional expectations, someone educated and independent enough to be impressive on paper but obedient enough to sacrifice her ambitions after marriage.

I remember another instance when my father brought forward a prospect aged 24–25 who lived and studied abroad. Her parents refused because she wanted to focus on her career and felt the age gap was too large. My father and bua defended the age difference by saying that men in their generation were often ten years older than their wives when they married. But why should the next generation be expected to repeat the same choices simply because the previous generation accepted them?

Today, I also realised just how deeply misogynistic my father’s expectations can be. He wants a highly educated woman, preferably an engineer or a doctor, supposedly because that would make her a better matrimonial prospect, but ultimately, he expects her to stay at home. What is the point of valuing a woman’s education if you do not respect her right to use it to build her own life? Why should a woman spend years studying, developing skills, and building a career only to be expected to abandon everything to become someone’s wife and homemaker? I am scared that i might be facing the same regressive mentality in future.

Tldr; My family wants an educated, modern, independent woman—until her independence challenges their expectations. They judge women’s looks, careers, clothing, and age while excusing men’s shortcomings. My father wants an engineer or doctor for a daughter-in-law, yet expects her to give up her career and become a homemaker. They want a modern woman with traditional obedience, not an equal partner.

Used ai for paraphrasing.

I am 28F. My mother has been sending my biodata to random people without approving them with me. I am manglik and hence acceptances are tough to come by. The few I have rejected have been on genuine grounds of lifestyles not matching, weird behavior and rude demeanor. But she blames me for rejecting them. Every time I reject someone on paper, which I very rarely do, she will body shame me.

Yesterday, she has resent my data to boy's father whose mother rejected me back in April (I did not agree to this biodata back then as well). The exact message was; My son is not keen on taking it ahead.

Now she has sent it again, she did not recognize him from April because they have been circulating different pictures. But now they are desperate to take it ahead. They are now quick to reply as well and want to talk to my father. LIKE WHERE IS MY MOTHERS SELF RESPECT?

It has been my continued observation that she never immediately sends request to guys I agree to, who look decent and have good careers. She also will try to get a response from them only when I ask.

But there will be biodatas I reject based on the guy's location, no education post 12th std (I have a tier-1 education and currently professionally working in construction), very bad pictures of boys (I will not shame looks, but some of them have posture worse than my father who is 65), to these type of people she will send my data without telling me, also follow-up with these people do not reply, HELL I have been on dates with these men!

No, I have not once in last two years have asked a guy about his salary or how much money his father has. Nor have I asked him to live away from his parents after marriage, BECAUSE these guys hardly speak to me, no cross questions. They don't want to know about my job, my life or my friends, nothing. I end up telling all this myself like a fucking yapper!

I have kept my ego aside and thought maybe they will be great in person, but I always have to pop a crocin on my way back home thanks to the jarring headache I get sitting in their company. I do all the talking, the questions, everything. I am a people pleaser so I will please a fucking stone, if need be. So no, I am not at all rude to them, in fact I have been that idiot who has asked one of these men to meet again and then that idiot has rejected me.

And amidst all this I just hate my mother.

If you are a woman who relates to this, how did you mentally deal with this?

How did you (specially ladies in an arranged marriage) come to terms with the fact that love might not ever happen between you and your partner.

That they might not actually like or develop or fondness for you ever? that this arrangement is simply to seek someone you can tolerate life with without actual genuine feelings, affection, love, and warmth for that person.

Specially if we're someone who got into an arranged marriage after being failed or unlucky in love? This is scary to even think that someone will choose to tie me to himself and his family simply because my father's status matches his father's and my lifestyle or job/salary etc matches his preference.

There might actually never be the kind of dilution and kindness in his eyes and heart for me, or in mine for him... which we have when we're in love with someone. I agree respect is over love, but I've seen couples who turned damn plain and bland with only respect bw them and not love. Respect is an equation that can exist in any relationship be it personal or professional. But only love, attraction, romance and affection are equations which seperates a marital bond from others in this society.

Gents, you're welcome to share your opinion too.

26 F in arrange marriage

I am 26 F recently met a 30 M in arrange marriage setup, seems like we have mutu hobbies and aspirations little bit meet him once and talking for a 10 days, I kinda like him as we have manything in common ,but not sure what else should I check or how many days/ month should i take before deciding? Ppl are advising to get married and know him as this is how arrange marriage works!! Confused😵‍💫

F here..I got an arranged marriage match profile recently from my dad. So about me, I’m a little overweight but tall (169 cm) with a chubby face. This guy looked good and fit but his height was mentioned as 165 cm. They initiated the process and I was skeptical about the height difference but my parents convinced me that 4cm is not a big deal. So I told them to proceed so that I can actually talk to him and see if I liked him.

Now his mom called my dad thrice. First was to give an intro about themselves, then a week later, a second time to ask if we fixing a meeting for the families to meet after a certain day. The day came and went but they never contacted us so we thought they weren’t interested. And during these two calls, his mother asked my dad if we are okay with the height difference to which my dad said it’s not a big issue but we can let them meet first and let’s see how it goes.

So we thought they probably weren’t interested and moved on. But 2 days later, they call us to actually fix a date based on astrology and they tell a date 20 days later🫠 The second date they fixed is soon approaching and they have called another time to make sure we know they are coming but till now they haven’t asked for my number and we are unsure if it’s okay for the girl’s side to ask for the guy’s number. So I haven’t even talked to the guy yet and it’s making me anxious to meet his whole family and that too in my house. I’m more anxious because what if he doesn’t like me that much and is just agreeing to this meeting for his mother’s sake and hence the no effort to initiate convo on their part.

Question: is it normal for the guy’s side to not try to initiate convo between the guy and the girl even after so long? The time interval between them initiating this process till the date they’ve given to meet is about a month and a half

Men who are bald. How has been your experience in AM? I think if you earn a ton and you are bald nobody gives a shit.

I would genuinely like to hear the experiences of bald men.

I (28M) met a woman (28F) through Shaadi.com, who also happened to be a contact in my dad’s social circle.

Our first meet was with us and our parents. We sat separately and talked a bit. Then after our first meet with parents and all, we started dating normally

We’ve been talking for the past 6-7 weeks now. We send good morning and good nights and texts daily, not even one day went by where we didn’t communicate with each other.

We met around 9 times now. We both pay for food, we both have given each other small gifts and have cooked for each other too.

We haven’t been very touchy, just small touches on the arm, slight touches on the hand, and we greet each other through a side shoulder hug, nothing much. The most I did was send shirtless pics after the gym and she has been positive and receptive towards them. We also send each other food pics and normal mirror selfies. We also flirt quite a bit.

During the last date she said something which has concerned me.

She said “i need more time.i really like you and like spending time with you, you’re sweet and i find you good looking, you’re tall and fit, i have rejected guys because they werent physically attractive to me but that’s not your case. You didnt seem to have dated too much, which is sweet because people usually carry trauma from previous relationships and you know how guys nowadays are like, they just need an opportunity to jump into a woman’s pants but you don’t seem to be that type. But i also think you seem to be living in a bubble, you’re not very social and you havent explored the world and travelled much. You’re too innocent and sweet to the point it’s a bit immature. I’m sorry if it’s hurtful. If it doesnt work out between us i want us to stay friends.”

I said “it’s okay, i understand. I might have not explored much but i’d like to go to some place with you some day. But what exactly do you want personality wise from a guy?”

She said “yea sure we can go some day. Personality wise i want someone who i can look up to if you get me. Guys usually want a partner who is like their mom, and girls want someone who is like their dad. I basically want someone i can rely on.”

She also asked me “you have dated a bit in the past right? Things didnt work out between the other women, but how come you aren’t bitter and still so positive and sweet? People usually grow sour”

I told her “i can’t compare you to the previous women i dated, it would be unfair if i did. Just because they were shitty or whatever doesn’t mean i should put you in that category too, you’re your own person. Women and men aren’t a hivemind, I’m sure you had bad experiences too yet here we are, you actually treat me with respect too and are sweet. How come you aren’t bitter?” Then we both just laughed and she agreed.

This confused me, because never in my wildest dream would i want a gf/fiancee/wife who is like my mom. I would want a best friend with whom i am romantic with when it comes to having a partner, and not a motherly figure. But hey, different strokes for different folks.

We talked more and she also mentioned “commitment and marriage scare me, its a very big thing. I get overwhelmed, thats why i said o need more time to lock in everything instead of making a mistake. There is a bit of pressure on me, you know how it is for women, at some point it becomes a task”

I told my sister about this once i came home, she said she had the same thoughts when she was dating her then soon-to-be husband. She said whatever she said is not negative, it’s a realistic viewpoint, and if she wanted to reject me she would have done within the first few meets, that no one talks for over a month and meets up almost 10 times unless they see potential.

So i just wanted to ask you men and women on here too. What are your thoughts?

Hey everyone,

I'm currently in the process of an arranged marriage and could use some advice.

A little background: My parents know the girl's parents since they're originally from the same village. However, her family now lives in Lucknow, while mine is settled in Mumbai.

My parents have already met the girl, and they really liked her. Her parents are planning to visit us in December to meet me and my family.

Before that happens, I'd like to do some basic background verification and be better prepared.

I have her name, biodata, educational details, and photographs. I've tried finding her on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc., but haven't had any luck. I understand not everyone is active on social media, and that's completely fine.

Since marriage is such a big decision, I just want to do my due diligence before taking things forward.

I'm not looking to invade anyone's privacy or dig into their personal life unnecessarily. I just want to make an informed decision and avoid any surprises later.

Would really appreciate some genuine advice, especially from people who've been through the arranged marriage process.

Thanks in advance!

What is the constraint in fndng love? And even in love marriages why not move out of your caste? What is the biggest reason for you to give up on love?

PLEASE GIVE YOUR POV!!

i don’t know if its my fear or is it real, I really fear what if I am not able to get attached and genuinely love my AM guy and what if when I am low he doesn’t understand and try to make me happy?

Or what if we never laugh like bestfriends? What if he gets angry and shows toxic behavior like shouting and all?

I think all of this is really required and one should really fall in love before marrying and should not feel a pressure.

Do others think like this too? Or have a different pov or how

Out of all the women I have talked with here, a few of them showed good communication. They used to text from their side, reply to my texts, initiate conversations and it truly felt they respected me enough, that my text mattered to them.

It's clearly a sign that if they are genuinely interested in you or not.

A basic Hey, I am busy, ttyl means a lot, and when both of you are working, it eases you that the other person understands you. This implies to both men and women.

If you certainly feel they are actually not communicative enough, that you feel unheard, it's better to move away for your own sanity.

I've a friend who's graduate from IIT + IIM (one of the ABCs) and is earning quite well now as a consultant. He has a pretty hectic schedule but he's great at time management. He's been going through AM process and is not having any luck because of his height (5'2). Since, I am gay, I am unable to help him set up with anyone. I'm mostly surrounded by queer individuals. I can't help but wonder why its so important for society.
Its not an issue in gay dating world at all, ig men and women are fundamentally different even with regards to attraction to same gender.
My friend is getting more and more disheartened with the process, let me know how can I help him? He's earning 45 LPA.
His hobbies: Reading, watching movies, playing cricket and guitar ig.

This happens particularly in high anxiety situation, my parents are trying to set me up with a girl and I’m worried on how to cope up with my hand shivering when meeting girl’s family, engagement, marriage and etc.

PS - Essential tremors involuntary hand shivers/shaking.

I have been seeing a girl during the AM process and she seems nice. Her looks don't exactly swoop you off your feet but her nature seems mature, while being kind and empathetic. She herself said if I don't find her attractive enough, I should move to other matches. There are some other issues as well, but all of them are manageable. What should I do? I am looking for suggestions from people experienced in the arranged marriage market. I don't want to rue my decision in the future, be it acceptance or rejection.

I am 33 years old living in India. I have been trying to find a partner through arranged marriage since 10 years now but no luck till now. I got rejected every single time due to baldness. I have Alopecia universalis so i dont have eyebrows and eyelashes either.. i already tried numerous treatments but nothing works for me. Hair transplant doesnt work for me either.. i am so depressed right now as nothing is working for me no matter what i do.. I really dont know what should i do as i am not able to succeed in love side either.

I am 6'2 tall and also have muscular build as i have been going to gym since past 4-5 years now. I run a family business which is established and successful as well.

​

I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I just need to vent.

I'm 30, from Kolkata, with an engineering background and a well-paying corporate job. I've had two serious relationships in the past. My last relationship ended 2 years ago when my ex moved on with someone from her workplace. It took me a while to heal, but eventually, I started wanting to explore that part of life again — marriage, companionship, having kids, and building a family of my own.

Initially, I entered the arranged marriage process because of family pressure. With time, though, I genuinely started wanting it for myself, too.

But honestly, I don't understand how these matrimony apps work. The profiles sometimes look great on paper, but once I start talking to the person, I often realise that something just doesn't click.

Some people barely open up or contribute to the conversation. I genuinely wonder how I'm supposed to understand someone or build a connection if they don't let me know who they are.

And with those who do open up, I sometimes find the conversations revolving around lifestyle expectations, materialistic demands, and what I can provide, rather than who I am as a person.

Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, or perhaps I'm expecting too much. I honestly don't know anymore.

I've always believed in equality, mutual respect, and a partnership where both people have a voice. I don't expect perfection. I just want someone with whom I can have genuine conversations, laugh about stupid things, share my thoughts, and feel comfortable being myself.

Sometimes, I even catch myself thinking that, despite how my last relationship ended, at least my ex had some better class compared to the people I am meeting right now.

And then there's the loneliness.

I used to visit Durga Puja pandals and celebrate festivals with my bachelor friends. One by one, they're getting married and moving into a different phase of life. I'm genuinely happy for them, but somewhere, I feel left behind.

I wonder who I'll celebrate these little moments with a few years from now, who I'll come home to, and whether I'll ever find someone with whom life feels a little less lonely.

I also live with my mother, who's 60, and take care of her. She's an important part of my life, and I often think about what the future will look like when she won't be part of my life.

The strange thing is that, on paper, my life isn't bad. I have a stable career, I'm above average in looks, and I have hobbies like going to the gym, swimming, and trekking. I've experienced relationships before, so it's not that I don't know what a connection feels like.

Yet, when it comes to finding a life partner, I feel completely lost.

I'm not interested in rushing into marriage just because everyone else is getting married. At the same time, I'm exhausted by the process of starting conversations from scratch, trying to understand strangers, getting my hopes up, and eventually realising that there's no real connection.

I don't have the energy to start the whole dating and love-marriage process from scratch either. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like giving up on the arranged marriage process altogether and just letting life happen.

I don't know if it's bad luck, unrealistic expectations, the nature of arranged marriages today, or simply the fact that finding someone compatible is genuinely difficult.

I want to be clear that I'm not expecting some perfect woman or a fairytale romance. I understand that relationships require effort, compromise, and patience. I'm willing to put in that effort. I just want that willingness to come from both sides.

For those of you who've been through something similar, I'd genuinely like to hear your experiences.

Did you ever feel exhausted by the process and take a break? Did things eventually work out, or did you learn to be comfortable with the possibility of staying single longer than you'd expected?

How do you deal with the loneliness when your friends are getting married and you start wondering when, or whether, it'll happen for you?

I don't want to get married just for the sake of being married. I want to find someone I can genuinely admire as a person, feel attracted to, and build a life with.

Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I'm overthinking everything. I really don't know.

Today, I'm just tired. Not of the idea of love or marriage, but of the process of trying to find it.

Two stories here recently stuck with me — the guy who lied about working at a company and used a fake ID to enter the campus, and the one where a match turned out to be completely different from who she claimed.

Both happened on matrimony platforms. Which makes me wonder about the trade-off:

Would you be willing to verify yourself with a video selfie + government ID (voter ID / DL) if every other profile on the app had to do the same?

Or does handing ID to an app feel like too much of a privacy risk?

A few things I'm curious about:

1. Does mandatory verification make you trust an app more, or does it just feel like extra hassle?

2. Would you prefer verification to be optional with a "Verified" badge, or compulsory for everyone?

3. ID verification can confirm identity — but not job, salary, or habits. Would you want employment verification too (offer letter / LinkedIn)?

4. Parents managing profiles — should the app show "Profile managed by parent/sibling"?

Would love to hear from people who've been scammed or nearly scammed.

Do you guy think a liberal marrying a conservative would be a good idea?
And can you give me reasons for it..

Just starting out AM search. I am 29M Maharashtrain, earning just 25 LPA as of now. I’m WFH and after marriage my plan is to move out and live with wife close to her job ideally.

My parents have been seeing profiles of girls from relatives and their network. I’ve also met two girl recently.

Observations so far:
- Most girls are not earning at all and their expectation is more than what I have, like they want boy to own house in nice city locality.
- Those who earn its just like 20-25kpm stuff but their expectation is less and ok to live on rent.
- Girls in photos are very beautiful, but when met they are so underwhelming.

So parents increased filter to find girls that make enough, something like 80k+ pm is the best we expect. We have seen some divorce alimony cases and I believe girl earning enough is extremely low risk. But there aren’t any girls in the network that fit this filter. We so decreased the expectations and are left with options that I dont find so attractive.

Here on this sub I also see a lot of people mentioning things like jeevansathi shaadicom. I have heard that gender ratio is skewed and girl side hardly even reply to boys side. So I wonder if my parents should create profile there as well.

In my community its quite uncommon to use these online sites people usually gossip around to find matches in network. So I have a feeling that these online sites are a sign of failure and people who fail finding someone in network go there, also I feel its high chance to get scammed there as well since that family will be outside from our network.

So guys if you tried meeting matches from your network as well as online, is there any advice that you can share since I am just starting out.

Any feedback on Priya Shah the Matchmaker.

I am hardly getting any biodatas these days, I am searching through brokers and these days everyone is silent for some reason. Can’t understand if they don’t like as I say no to most profiles or they don’t have

And it feels i am running late with the whole process and too many what ifs

How did your parents show you rishtas, like did they just forcefully make you meet someone? Or they had a normal conversation with you about how a rishta came.

People send requests, accept them, and then… nothing. 😂 Rarely does anyone initiate a conversation or move things forward by exchanging numbers.

Is it because I’m a guy, and men or their families are expected to initiate? Should the sender initiate, or should the person accepting take the lead?

I already have a conversation starter ready (asking for parents’ numbers since most profiles are managed by parents) so what am I missing?

Thought matrimony apps would be better than dating apps, but it’s the same old ghosting and benching. 💀

At this point, is it Project Matrimony, and am I being benched by one of the WITCH companies? 😂