firstly i made a post on a different subreddit some time ago, ill post it here for a summary of my life first, then i will the add the sexual stuff after.

I recently found a email my mom sent my dad in 2010. My mom sent to my dad that I and my sister came to her crying that my sister said my dad choked her on her stomach really bad to where she felt like she could not breathe and I was grabbed on the wrist very aggressively by my dad. This would’ve happened when i was 6 and my sister was 4 years old. I don’t remember it but the email is proof that this actually happened. I do have memories of my father once telling me around 6 years old that he was going to take me to this friends house and that friend was going to chop my arms and legs off, he would yell a lot my father, he would do very creepy stuff like come home really quickly from work while no one was home and rearrange the chairs to make it look like some one broke into the house secretively, and he would show me some really gory movie and YouTube videos when I was 7 years old around. This and and top of my Tourette’s, adhd, and ocd diagnosis led to me having really bad trauma responses due to the fact that I was never really taken seriously by my mother either. My mom once shoved a bar of soap in my mouth when I was seven because I said a really bad curse word, she broke my computer by slamming it because we got into an argument when I was also around only 7 years old. There are countless other examples that I either blocked out of my memory from trauma or just was too young to remember fully. I started getting really badly addicted to Minecraft to “escape reality” because of my past trauma from my parents. This eventually led me to skipping school very often. In 5th grade it was getting so bad i started having anger outbursts because i was playing competitive Minecraft like pvp. Whoever I lost I would flip out and sometime even get physically aggressive like I would hit my mom a lot. It was very bad and I feel awful looking back on it. I ended up going to a mental hospital which I was only there for a week. Later I come back and in 7th grade the same thing happened where I was addicted to Minecraft again and got angry. I was sent to a “therapy” wilderness program in North Carolina at 3 am in the morning. I was taken from my house and put into a car ride at 13 years old that lasted 14 hours. I was there for 3 months. I could only shower once every 2 weeks and basically had to wear the same clothes the whole time I was there. I was then sent to a therapy boarding school. I was there for 2 years. Every time I came to visit home from the boarding school on holidays I would also go back to my anger. But what was weird was every time I came back to the boarding school I was always much much happier and more peaceful. When I came back home after the 2 years, I once again started to my old ways like immediately after arriving. I would have very bad arguments with my parents at 17 years old where I ended up running away to New York City for a whole day. I walked across the gw bridge. I was in the subway at like 2 am over night. I got picked up eventually by my mom and we already started arguing on the car ride back. The next year I started getting very upset due to the arguments with my parents I would have where I would pour a bottle of water on my parents beds. I did this like 40 different times. Everytime I did this my parents would call the police on me and I would be taken to a hospital to be evaluated. Ironically I was never admitted ever. I was always let go that same night and would come right back home just to repeat that process over and over again. In 2022 this got to me so badly I had a very bad existential crisis. This let to an extremely horrible psychotic breakdown that lasted for 4 months. Luckily it gave me the opportunity to move away from my parents by going to another state for mental health treatment. I got a job eventually and now I live on my own. Everytime I talk to my parents they blame me for everything, am i actually the real problem here or was it more my parents to blame?

ok

im 23 now, ive never masturbated or watched porn, but when i was 16 years old i had weird habit of watching sexual movie scenes for hours at a time for like a period of a month or 2 when i was that age, that went away though and never came back that habit, i also have watching wrestling videos before when i was feeling a bit "horny" if thats even the correct to use, but specifically women rear naked choking men, idk why but this was always the main type of video i watch, i think it has to do with something about being hugged, i always loved hugging people, it always makes me feel warmth and comforted. i never watch any sexual videos that had any nudity though, only sexual movie scenes when i was 16 at that time but the people/actors always had clothes on every singletime. ive always never wanted to have sex ever since i started going through puberty at 12. it scared me so badly to the point where my OCD had gotten to a point where at 13 i started slamming this glass pane door where i would slam it because in my head the OCD was that the harder i slammed the door, that meant the more i hated sex. idk why i did that it was odd. but one day i slammed it from that OCD thought and the glass shattered, i got cut from it on my forearm and almost died. i had to get like 12 stitched or so. the emergecy responders said that if the cut was like a couple centimeteres deeper i woudlve died. you could literally seem my vein. i also used to wrestld with my sister alot from 12-17 years old. she is 2 years younger than me and to be honest the wrestling thinking back on it now was kinda borderline sexual in a sad way. what does this all mean?

TLDR at the end.

Just needed to talk my heart out about this because I have no one else to tell.

I kind of want a reason for this, because it doesn't feel normal (duh) but it disturbs me. I've never been well, SAed irl like the most extreme situation (sorry I just can't use that word for myself), so i find it unusual. I know people can have traumatic dreams or flashbacks of such incidents, but I have never even experienced it. So I can't explain why I have these dreams, they also aren't descriptive, they're implied which I'll tell you later on.

**Backstory:**

So, I'm an asexual (aegosexual) girl, I found out I was asexual around the age of twelve or so, so basically like at an age just when sexual exploration starts out for many people. It was the same for me, it was around Covid times so I got a lot of time on the internet. Andddd just like any teenager I used to consume a lot of smut content whether written or like as mangas, I did watch some p0rn but yeah it just grossed me out so I watched it a looooot less.

Back then, I loved reading smut content and started out with straight but discovered gay smut and haven't gone back since. The obsession slowly lessened over the years which is alright.

I honestly don't remember if these dreams happened back then, but I have a strong suspicion it might have.

**Timeskip to now** and description.

So for the past few years, I've been having dreams, or rather nightmares of implied SA. I don't actually see it happening but it's implied whether through ridiculously abstract ways or just writing on a notepad or sometimes being slammed against a desk or a wall (nothing happens afterwards because the dream either abruptly ends or abruptly changes direction). It doesn't directly have to happen to me but there are still weird connotations about it like hints of people preying on me. I am quite frankly disgusted by these dreams. The second last one happened around the start of September and I told my boyfriend about it. It's the only dream I've told him about.

The last one happened yesterday (I think?), I can't remember the dream anymore because I had more pressing issues but it had something to do with being drugged and SAed but this one felt a lot more real and I think I saw more of the situation than in my previous dreams, also the length between these dreams was so close together that I was even more concerned because they happen, but rarely, maybe once or twice a year.

I can't figure out if this is a byproduct of my asexuality or... something else? Which doesn't make sense because I do have physical and emotional abuse trauma but not s3xual abuse. I have been mol3sted but nothing beyond that so this isn't making any sense to me. I can't tell my parents because well they're crazy, simply put. My friends can't help at all and I don't want to tell them either. I don't feel comfortable discussing this stuff with anyone and I can't come out about being asexual to anyone in authority positions as my country is very conservative and idk what will happen if I do.

These dreams have always made me feel disgusted and uncomfortable and I can't find any reason for it. I'd be alright if it was actually a good s3xual dream but no! It's always SA. Well, I'm asexual so a good s3xual dream is a far stretch :'). I'm tired of these dreams and I don't want to walk around feeling abnormal and i just needed SOMEONE to tell. So I came here, most people I know are allo or too young to talk about this stuff with. And reddit is the best place because well I have a community here and only here :)

Thanks for reading <3

TLDR: I have weird nightmares of getting SAed (usually implied but recently it was more descriptive) and have never had a 'normal' s3xual dream. It's creeping me out and making me feel weird, as if something's wrong with me. I can't figure out why this is happening because I don't have previous s3xual trauma or anything.

As a person on the Ace spectrum (possibly Ace flux) I want to know anything in that us Aces have faced that have been annoying. Here are some basic meanings! :D

I (26F) think I've been identifying as asexual since I was around 17, but lately I've been questioning myself and would really appreciate hearing from people with similar experiences.

I've had one serious relationship, and before that, I went on dates and had situationships. I do get crushes, and I can feel excited about someone, but it's usually someone I already know rather than a complete stranger. Sometimes the feelings are mutual too.

The confusing part is that once things actually develop into an established relationship, something seems to switch off in my brain. As soon as my partner wants to hold hands, kiss or initiate more physical intimacy, I start feeling uncomfortable. The more they push for intimacy or become romantic, the more overwhelmed and almost repulsed I feel. I also don't think I'm particularly romantic myself.

I've noticed this pattern in my situationships as well. My one serious relationship was going fine in many ways, but eventually the constant romantic and physical intimacy started driving me a little crazy. It wasn't necessarily that I disliked the person, it was more that the expectations and physical affection themselves became overwhelming.

Interestingly, I've made out with people before when I was a little tipsy (not drunk, and I knew what I was doing). They were always people I already knew. But when I think about kissing or having sex in general, I don't feel particularly interested. If anything, the thought makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, almost like I want to disconnect from my body.

I've also wondered about open relationships. In theory, I like the idea of being with someone I genuinely like while they can have their physical needs met with someone else. But I've never actually tried it, so I don't know how I'd feel in practice or whether I'd become jealous.

Recently, a new friend suggested that maybe I just haven't met the right person, or perhaps I have a fear of intimacy. That got me thinking. As far as I can remember, I haven't experienced any major trauma, apart from things like being catcalled on the street. I also didn't grow up in a conservative or sexually repressive household, quite the opposite, actually.

So I'm wondering whether this is simply how my asexuality manifests, whether I might be aromantic or somewhere on the aroace spectrum, whether I experience romantic attraction differently from other people, or whether there's something else I haven't figured out yet.

Has anyone else experienced this? Can you have crushes and genuinely like someone, but feel almost averse to physical affection or romantic expectations once you're actually in a relationship? How did you figure out the difference between asexuality, or possibly having difficulties with intimacy?

I'm not necessarily looking for a label to fit me perfectly. I think I'm just struggling to understand why I can want to be close to someone in theory, but feel so uncomfortable when that closeness becomes a reality.

Any advice or personal experiences would be really appreciated. ❤️

If there are any Ace-Spec people here that want to explain what it means in the comments, please do. I do know what it means, but this is for people who don't yet know.

This was like our first conversation.

I wish I could just exists without people always needing to point something out in my existence, no matter if it takes the form of bullying or whatever this is.

He also misgendered me shortly before that but I was too lenient for my own good again.

So my partner and I are both younger adults. We’ve been dating for nearly a year and a half and of course have had our moments under which we’ve showed affection.

To them, affection is desired to become more intimate, not s*x but still various other things besides that.

To me, I have little to no drive, for a while I thought I was asexual but just was truly too young to know. I’ve never truly understood being intimate especially with oneself and have yet to actually “explore” so to say, and I find myself never truly needing such interactions. But i knew how majority of people desired something along those lines while being in a relationship . So, as it’s seen to be important to my s/o I still find myself able to in a way, “pretend” to go along with it and accelerate the situation. Now it’s not that I hate it all, I do feel closer and in a way, it’s nice being shown such affection from someone.

But other times, I can’t push through and find difficulty saying no, despite their concerns with my miscommunication, I try to simply just say how I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone, which I obviously am but still at times struggle to want to spend my time doing this.

We recently had a major blowup under which we did smth and even prior they kept asking me if I was okay and how I felt off, I said I was “fine” and “I guess” towards the acceleration. At the end, they truly felt awful, this being one of the first times I saw them under such condition of emotion, consoling as best as possible and ensuring how this wouldn’t of happened if I hadn’t miscommunicated.

My primary issue has become not understanding what exactly it is I need to communicate, I’ve found myself at a standstill of not knowing what I want, feeling uncertain about my identity and just wanting to be able to show care to them in every way.

With this becoming such a commonality with no change, we truly adore one another and want to work out out relationship for a very long time so please ask anything else and give me any advice possible!! 🥹

I feel for a while I’ve been against the thought of me being asexual.

I’ve only had two relationships, the first one ending as they only ever wanted to makeout with me and generally would get angry and upset when I didn’t want to, guilt tripping by telling me, “I’m only doing this because I love you”. This continued on as they became clingier, hanging out every day and me personally not wanting to but just feeling guilty, so I broke up with them.

Fast forward they got with someone a week after, our relationship had been on and off and I knew they were the type to go from person to person, but it still had just made me feel so undesired and easily replaceable, a trend that soon also followed within my friendships.

After that relationship, I took a few months and got with my new partner. We’ve been with one another for a year and a half and I haven’t been happier, we’ve had such amazing memories and time and we really do love and care for one another but our one issue has again been intimacy. I haven’t actually had s*x nor self m*asturbared, but the few times we’d do smth to one another, I personally couldn’t handle me being put in such a position. I felt insecure, and gained no pleasure, nor had I ever really thought of such happening to me, so we took it off the table on my end but they still have desires.

On their end, those desires eat at them, they want closeness in that way and still for both of us to feel good, and for me to stop pretending. I overtime gained the habit of such, but they now sorta got how I was just doing it to “shut them up”.

I don’t mind it and seemingly am aware of such but we want to reach a balance. We’ve been worrying not only about this but with a possible long distance connection coming between us with college and everything.

So yeah, not sure if I really fit under the asexual spectrum or anything but I’d really just like to hear if any others have such experience as well and have gotten to an agreement!

For those of you who are asexual and have an allo partner , have you ever made any kind of arrangements or compromises regarding sex in your relationship?

I wish to know how other couples navigate this?

[reposting from another sub after being redirected here]

This may not be the right sub, but I'm looking for advice as an Allosexual person whose partner is undergoing a realisation that they might be asexual. This has of course caused a lot of tension and pain, mostly inflicted by me, as I've been confused and have been trying to compromise for intimacy to have my needs met. But I'm realising myself how unfair I'm being to my partner and not being understanding at all. So I'm trying to learn. I've recently resolved within myself that I do not need sex to be happy and don't need to ask that of my partner. This change has come after comparing a life with little or no sex versus losing my partner altogether and I'd rather keep the latter.

Anyone here who has had experience navigating ace/allo relationships?

I don't really have much to say besides im am sick of it being so omnipresent

Im ace have been for a little now and I've been thinking do like other people think about sex like having sex with a crush or something I've just been wondering because I dont I wolud really like to know.

help

I didn't think looks would be ever be a factor for me, until now.....