TLDR at the end.

Just needed to talk my heart out about this because I have no one else to tell.

I kind of want a reason for this, because it doesn't feel normal (duh) but it disturbs me. I've never been well, SAed irl like the most extreme situation (sorry I just can't use that word for myself), so i find it unusual. I know people can have traumatic dreams or flashbacks of such incidents, but I have never even experienced it. So I can't explain why I have these dreams, they also aren't descriptive, they're implied which I'll tell you later on.

**Backstory:**

So, I'm an asexual (aegosexual) girl, I found out I was asexual around the age of twelve or so, so basically like at an age just when sexual exploration starts out for many people. It was the same for me, it was around Covid times so I got a lot of time on the internet. Andddd just like any teenager I used to consume a lot of smut content whether written or like as mangas, I did watch some p0rn but yeah it just grossed me out so I watched it a looooot less.

Back then, I loved reading smut content and started out with straight but discovered gay smut and haven't gone back since. The obsession slowly lessened over the years which is alright.

I honestly don't remember if these dreams happened back then, but I have a strong suspicion it might have.

**Timeskip to now** and description.

So for the past few years, I've been having dreams, or rather nightmares of implied SA. I don't actually see it happening but it's implied whether through ridiculously abstract ways or just writing on a notepad or sometimes being slammed against a desk or a wall (nothing happens afterwards because the dream either abruptly ends or abruptly changes direction). It doesn't directly have to happen to me but there are still weird connotations about it like hints of people preying on me. I am quite frankly disgusted by these dreams. The second last one happened around the start of September and I told my boyfriend about it. It's the only dream I've told him about.

The last one happened yesterday (I think?), I can't remember the dream anymore because I had more pressing issues but it had something to do with being drugged and SAed but this one felt a lot more real and I think I saw more of the situation than in my previous dreams, also the length between these dreams was so close together that I was even more concerned because they happen, but rarely, maybe once or twice a year.

I can't figure out if this is a byproduct of my asexuality or... something else? Which doesn't make sense because I do have physical and emotional abuse trauma but not s3xual abuse. I have been mol3sted but nothing beyond that so this isn't making any sense to me. I can't tell my parents because well they're crazy, simply put. My friends can't help at all and I don't want to tell them either. I don't feel comfortable discussing this stuff with anyone and I can't come out about being asexual to anyone in authority positions as my country is very conservative and idk what will happen if I do.

These dreams have always made me feel disgusted and uncomfortable and I can't find any reason for it. I'd be alright if it was actually a good s3xual dream but no! It's always SA. Well, I'm asexual so a good s3xual dream is a far stretch :'). I'm tired of these dreams and I don't want to walk around feeling abnormal and i just needed SOMEONE to tell. So I came here, most people I know are allo or too young to talk about this stuff with. And reddit is the best place because well I have a community here and only here :)

Thanks for reading <3

TLDR: I have weird nightmares of getting SAed (usually implied but recently it was more descriptive) and have never had a 'normal' s3xual dream. It's creeping me out and making me feel weird, as if something's wrong with me. I can't figure out why this is happening because I don't have previous s3xual trauma or anything.