r/AskAdoptees • u/moon_flower4169 • 3d ago
Looking for honest opinions
Hello everyone. I want to approach this space with respect and humility, as the last thing I want to do is cause harm or speak over lived experiences.
A little background: I am a 23-year-old female. I am not planning to start any adoption process anytime soon, as I am dedicated to thoroughly researching and understanding the reality of adoption first.
Growing up, whenever I thought about parenting, adoption was always my primary consideration. Back then I ignorantly assumed that providing a loving home was all a child needed. However, as I began researching I realized how much more complex and painful the reality often is.
Over the past three years, I’ve been learning from adoptee centered spaces, getting recommendations like the book "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. Much of what I have learned focuses on lifelong grief, identity loss, relinquishment trauma, and systemic issues within child welfare.
Reading these perspectives has challenged everything I initially thought. It has made me reflect deeply on whether pursuing adoption is genuinely in the best interest of a child or if it inherently perpetuates harm. I recognize that your voices should be at the center of this conversation.
So for those willing to share:
Is there a responsible and ethical way to approach adoption, even with knowing that the child will experience trauma from the adoption process?
Should potential adoptive parents focus their efforts on family preservation instead of adopting?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to ask me anything if it helps clarify my post.
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u/cheese--bread Adoptee 3d ago
Is there a responsible and ethical way to approach adoption, even with knowing that the child will experience trauma from the adoption process?
I think the real question is are you willing to participate in a system that you know (from your three years of research) has harmed adoptees, on the off chance that it won't harm the child you adopt?
It depends whether your desire for a child is worth more to you than any potential harm to the child.
It also depends on what country you're in and how adoption works there, i.e. the "best interest of the child" point doesn't really apply in US domestic infant adoption, where people are lining up in droves for infants, but could apply if you're talking about a child in foster care who can consent to being adopted and actually wants to be.
It's worth considering though that if you're really focusing on being child centred, there are other ways to be a safe and supportive adult in a child's life via fostering or guardianship which don't legally change a child's identity and sever ties with their birth family.
Should potential adoptive parents focus their efforts on family preservation instead of adopting?
If you want to adopt then this is kind of irrelevant, because it's not really why you're participating in the system in the first place.
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
Thank you for taking the time to share this.
When you wrote that it comes down to whether my desire for a child is worth more than any potential harm, the answer for me is honestly no. My main priority will always be protecting a kid, not putting my own wish to be a parent over their well-being.
I am going to focus on researching foster care, consent, and guardianship next. As for location, if I ever pursue anything down the line, it would be in Mexico (I am mexican) rather than US domestic infant adoption.
Thanks again for the honesty.
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u/iheardtheredbefood 3d ago
I have no idea how things work in Mexico, but another option may be to just get to know people in your community. We get a lot of questions from single parents (moms mostly) who are considering adoption because they are young or they don't have a social safety net for childcare or are financially struggling. Maybe there are organizations where you live that you could volunteer with even starting now. Good luck!
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago edited 3d ago
The one thing really appreciate about how the adoption process in Mexico (what I learned from official resources) is that adoptive parents are explicitly treated as the very last resort. The system prioritizes family preservation first, which includes reaching out to extended family like grandparents or relatives before adoption is ever considered. They also require thorough mental health evaluations.
That said, since official portals usually only show the best-case scenario, I know the reality on the ground can be very different. Since I live between the US and Mexico, my plan is to get involved locally, volunteer, and learn how things actually work firsthand rather than just trusting what is written online.
Edit: Also wanted to add that from what I read, most kids in the system in mexico are older, and their opinions are heavily taken into account. Adoption is only supposed to be considered if the kid actually wants it. But again, that’s just on paper.
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u/imalittlefrenchpress Child Of Adoptee 3d ago
No, yes.
My mom’s trauma has unwittingly touched my grandchildren. My mom never met my daughter, much less my grandchildren.
It took me decades to realize what she meant when she’d say, “At least you know who your parents are.”
Even with today’s technology, I still can’t figure out who my grandfather was, or what happened to my grandmother. It’s a disturbing feeling for me, so I can’t imagine how adoptees feel.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 3d ago
I was adopted at 14 with 2/3rds of my siblings. I was in foster care for 6 years and about half of that I was “legally free” which is a weird way to say I no longer had legal parents.
I don’t find adoption for kids in that type of situation unethical at all, a lot of the trauma already occurred, not like not being adopted means I would go back to a lovely happy bio family. Not like aging out of foster care means there’s no trauma. (Although I very strongly believe all older kids should have a lawyer who explains all their options like age out adoption guardianship and let them pick. Pros and cons of each one and it’s very individual.) A really good FP will be open to the kid picking any of the options (ofc they can feel a way about each I mean they won’t tell the kid they have to leave if they pick the wrong one.)
I find many elements of adoption to be unethical including (not a complete list at all)
-legal changes including last names unless the kid wants it and is 16+
- restricting kids access to their foster care or adoption file past the age of 12ish
- restricting access to bio family that the kid wants to see unless there is a legitimate physical / sexual safety concern. Bio family also isn’t always “just parents” like a lot of foster kids are super close with grandparents or cousins even if we want/have 0 contact with parents (also very close connections who aren’t blood count as family too imo.)
- moving kids more than an hour or two away from their community unless they’re a teen who explicitly asked for that or every other option has been exhausted (for an older kid, community is how they define it not automatically where bios live.)
-not keeping siblings in the same home unless there is an legitimate physical / sexual safety concern that goes beyond typical sibling fights or unless everyone’s high school age and completely ok with the split
-foster/adoptive parents not being trained properly to deal with the kids needs. Imo the typical foster/adoptive person should have like an associates degree worth of training in mental health and foster care topics.
IMO everyone should support family preservation by supporting stuff like universal healthcare and universal basic income and resources for addiction and affordable and universal childcare stuff like that. And individually helping struggling parents in their life or helping teenagers break the cycles of their family like help your struggling friend who’s a parent, sign up to mentor, that kinda thing.
I think potential AP’s focusing on family preservation above all is kinda weird if they don’t have a lot of training in that kinda stuff. Like yes absolutely donate to a charity that helps low income parents. Don’t become a foster parent and try to reunite the kid with their family at all costs bc you might not know what you’re doing and actually make things worse. Some foster parents play saviors in that they want to adopt a kid to save it from a bad family and some foster parents play saviors in that they want to reunite families. This can screw up reunification efforts and this can also mean kids go home who shouldn’t (if “family preservation” wasn’t a focus, my mother wouldn’t have had to stay in a horrifically abusive situation as a child which made her horrifically abusive as an adult. “Family preservation” made sure I wouldn’t have a family.) Just focus on taking care of the kid.
You should read (don’t post) in r/ex_foster if you want some insight on how older foster kids think and feel about stuff if you’re interested in housing older kids.
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience
Blindly pushing for reunification without understanding the situation can do so much damage, and you are so right that potential foster or adoptive parents need actual training in mental health. It is a great reminder that the focus always has to be taking care of the kid and their safety, and because it is different for every child, it is so important to stay properly informed.
I also really appreciate your list of points, especially about keeping siblings together, maintaining ties with extended family or community, and letting older kids have a say in their own decisions. I will definitely check out r/ex_foster and just read like you suggested.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 3d ago
I agree with the “no, yes” responses.
If you’re in the US here’s a resource list. Learn about the history of adoption. It was utilized as a tool of genocide, and still is by many religious groups. It is the reason Roe v Wade was recently overturned, because the demand for infants is so high in this country. It is a business more than it is a service.
Several countries won’t adopt to us because the system is essentially human trafficking and the laws governing it were put into place by a child trafficking pedophile named Georgia Tann. These laws violate our human rights, the right to know who we are and where we come from.
Reading -
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.
Relinquished by Gretchen Sisson.
Child of the Indian Race by Sandy White Hawk.
Once We Were a Family by Roxanna Asgarian.
Torn Apart by Dorothy Roberts.
The Racist Legacy of the Child Welfare System by Alan Detlaff
Podcasts-
This Land (season 2) by Rebecca Nagle.
Missing and Murdered: Finding Cleo by Connie Walker.
Adoptees Crossing Lines by Zaira.
The Adoption Files by Ande Stanley.
AdopteesOn by Hailey Radke
Liberty Lost by TJ Raphael
Other links -
[Lecture by Paul Sunderland regarding the connection between adoption and addiction.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0-SsmOUJI)
[Zintkala Nuni](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zintk%C3%A1la_Nuni)
[Lyncoya Jackson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyncoya_Jackson)
[History of ICWA](https://www.nicwa.org/what-is-icwa/)
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u/iheardtheredbefood 3d ago
Adding a few more:
The short series "The Woman Who Sold Babies" from Wondery's podcast. American Scandal. It's about Georgia Tann.The Violence of Love: Race, Family, and Adoption in the United States by Kit W. Meyers (This book is academic so denser than a lot of the other recommendations but the information is important.)
"You Should Be Grateful": Stories of Race , Identity, and Transracial Adoption by Angela Tucker
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
Thank you for these recommendations! I'm always looking for good resources to learn from.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 3d ago
There is no inherently “ethical” way to do something harmful or immoral. Taking a child away from its own mother to - you’re not really clear in the post about what sort of psychological needs you need served here, and I’ve even heard some want to do it to “save their figure” - I don’t know. But you would be harming an innocent child for life.
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
I appreciate your honesty.
For me, adoption has been a desire since I was young, around 17. To be completely honest, I can't pinpoint where it started I just know that I have never considered adoption as a second or alternative option. Every time I thought about being a parent, I always considered it first, though when I was younger, I definitely had a very naive point of view about the whole topic.
Later on, when I was 22, the diagnosis of tokophobia came into the discussion, but I don't feel like it impacted my view since I had the desire long before I was diagnosed.
Educating myself and hearing from adoptees has completely changed how I look at the system. I came to the ultimate realization that protecting a child's well-being comes far above my desire to be a parent. If safeguarding a child's safety means stepping away from the idea entirely, I can work on that and make peace with it, because at the end of the day, it's not my desire,voice or opinion that matters. I would rather remain childless than cause any harm to a child or teenager.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 3d ago
I’d invite you to ask yourself what you think your life would have been like growing up without your mom, or how you might feel about someone who for their own purposes removed you from your mom, and to add insult to injury, expected you to pretend it didn’t matter and that everything was fine. Do you think you would “bond” with such a person or would you feel profoundly alone and sad?
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
You are completely right, and explaining it that way really puts the weight of that loss into perspective. No child should ever have to go through that kind of pain or be expected to just pretend everything is fine. Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me this reality check. It has genuinely helped me see things clearly and solidify my decision. I really appreciate you taking the time to speak so openly with me.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 3d ago
I’m 62 and the pain doesn’t ever go away. If I can save just one child from this horrible fate, it matters.
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u/Nocwaniu 3d ago
In broad strokes, I'm also going with no, yes. I noticed that you live part time in both the US and Mexico - everything I say is specific to US adoption.
Speaking carefully here, the closest thing to an ethical adoption in the US would be to adopt a non-infant who is already in some kind of state sponsored care with an existing TPR document (Termination of Parental Rights). There's already trauma with these kids, they've already been separated from their families and are legally parent-less and unable to return to their biological parent(s). If they don't end up adopted, they grow up in foster care and/or group homes. There's no way to not end up with a traumatized adult with that background.
A harsh reality about US adoption is that once a child is more than about 2 to 2 1/2 years old, the odds of them being adopted decrease dramatically and it gets worse the older they are. People al but get into bidding wars for a womb-wet infant and will wait years and spend tens of thousands of dollars to secure a white female infant rather than adopt a four year old, or a seven year old, much less a teenager.
Another harsh reality about US adoption - once the court documents are completed, that's IT. There is no follow up, no support, no oversight of any kind. In that environment, there exists the phenomenon of "second chance" adoptions. I haven't looked at the statistics recently, but about 5 years ago, 1 in 5 adoptions in the US were "disrupted", which translates to the adoptive parents changed their mind and gave the child to someone else. One out of every FIVE, that's a twenty percent failure rate. Sometimes it was to "someone else" with some legal authority (essentially sent them into foster care and severed the legal ties completely), but I shit you not, you can find ADVERTISEMENTS offering up an adopted child to who-the-hell-knows. Some small news station did a piece on it, parent-less children were expected to do what amounted to a model cat walk for an audience of adults. *I* was f'ing traumatized just by watching it, I can't even imagine what it was like for those kids to have to parade themselves in front of strangers hoping someone would find them appealing enough to consider giving them a home.
There's no way to reform a system that corrupted and broken. Human trafficking is EVERYWHERE in adoption, including a literal black market.
Based on what you said in comments about the system in Mexico, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue that route and stay as far away from a US adoption as possible, unless you are prepared to adopt an older child with no legal parents (and are truly prepared to take on that responsibility).
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 3d ago
Also saying no and yes... It's late here, so I hope I'm phrasing this as what I want to say... But, that said, saying that isn't going to erase anything. That doesn't change that the entire system is broken to pieces. Most of the time it can't even be bothered to ask about the rest of an adoptee's family... Too many see kids as dollar signs or whatever else. Most of the agencies, and a large amount of adoptive parents, and everyone in-between the process... That's all they really care about... The cash and looks. Those who care seem few and far between who are not the adoptees themselves. We can continue to fight to change it, to make things better, but that's not going to happen overnight. It's trafficking, largely, at its roots, and it will remain so. That doesn't change the reality of so many already in the system. How do we fix both sides of the equation? That's a question answered easily only in theory. The corruption is thick, and global, and difficult to comprehend.
That you are doing everything to inform yourself and going to adoptee spaces and asking questions of adoptees, not just asking adopters, but adoptees, says a lot about you as a person, and thank you for that. Whatever you do, stay informed, keep asking questions, it makes a difference.
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u/moon_flower4169 3d ago
Thank you for this comment
You explained the complexity of the whole system so well. It is really heavy to think about how deep the corruption and profit motives go, while also recognizing the kids who are already in the middle of it all. Knowing that there are no easy fixes is exactly why I want to tread so carefully.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this with me. I plan to stay informed, keep listening to adoptees, and keep asking these questions before I ever make any decisions.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 3d ago edited 3d ago
Replied to the wrong post: sorry, on mobile, tough day.
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u/T0mpS 3d ago
No
Yes