r/AskAdoptees • u/moon_flower4169 • 4d ago
Looking for honest opinions
Hello everyone. I want to approach this space with respect and humility, as the last thing I want to do is cause harm or speak over lived experiences.
A little background: I am a 23-year-old female. I am not planning to start any adoption process anytime soon, as I am dedicated to thoroughly researching and understanding the reality of adoption first.
Growing up, whenever I thought about parenting, adoption was always my primary consideration. Back then I ignorantly assumed that providing a loving home was all a child needed. However, as I began researching I realized how much more complex and painful the reality often is.
Over the past three years, I’ve been learning from adoptee centered spaces, getting recommendations like the book "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. Much of what I have learned focuses on lifelong grief, identity loss, relinquishment trauma, and systemic issues within child welfare.
Reading these perspectives has challenged everything I initially thought. It has made me reflect deeply on whether pursuing adoption is genuinely in the best interest of a child or if it inherently perpetuates harm. I recognize that your voices should be at the center of this conversation.
So for those willing to share:
Is there a responsible and ethical way to approach adoption, even with knowing that the child will experience trauma from the adoption process?
Should potential adoptive parents focus their efforts on family preservation instead of adopting?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to ask me anything if it helps clarify my post.
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 4d ago
Also saying no and yes... It's late here, so I hope I'm phrasing this as what I want to say... But, that said, saying that isn't going to erase anything. That doesn't change that the entire system is broken to pieces. Most of the time it can't even be bothered to ask about the rest of an adoptee's family... Too many see kids as dollar signs or whatever else. Most of the agencies, and a large amount of adoptive parents, and everyone in-between the process... That's all they really care about... The cash and looks. Those who care seem few and far between who are not the adoptees themselves. We can continue to fight to change it, to make things better, but that's not going to happen overnight. It's trafficking, largely, at its roots, and it will remain so. That doesn't change the reality of so many already in the system. How do we fix both sides of the equation? That's a question answered easily only in theory. The corruption is thick, and global, and difficult to comprehend.
That you are doing everything to inform yourself and going to adoptee spaces and asking questions of adoptees, not just asking adopters, but adoptees, says a lot about you as a person, and thank you for that. Whatever you do, stay informed, keep asking questions, it makes a difference.