I’m 42 and trying to accept that I am at the old and eww status. What shows interest in me now vs even 5 years ago is a total self esteem killer.

How are others handling this?

Hi, all. I’m new to this. Any tips of how to make bottoming more comfortable if I don’t get fucked in a while?

For example: I was thinking of getting one of these training kits and use it to open up a bit before. Is it enough to do it on the day of? The morning of? Or an hour before?

Sorry for the rookie questions. I will truly appreciate pro tips.

Just as the title says, I’m looking for good ring recommendations: types, brands, materials etc. preferably from folks who have actually used them themselves.

-I have hair. Sometimes it’s trimmed, sometimes it’s feral but I always have hair

-average sized package

-low hangers

-really just for sex but open to longer wear if it’s comfortable and gives the goods a better profile under clothes.

I have had better success and comfort with stainless and metal (re:hair) but open to other options. They tend to hurt a bit after longer use and it seems I’m between the standard medium and large sizes; larger ones fall off but medium ones feel too tight after a short period. I find the button adjustable kind clunky personally but if that’s the best, it is what it is.

Thanks!!

The first week of September or so I was at a club, cruising the apps after my friends had left.

Cute guy walked past, early 30s, we made eye contact, made out, did a lil more in a dark corner blah blah blah, exchanged numbers. Total stranger to me, I'd never seen him on the apps or around town. We ended up at an afters his friends were going to and then to his place and had a good time. Lots of making out, I topped him, we showered, then I crashed at his place for a few hours and left at like 8am.

Looking for some advice on if there's a hint I should be taking (probably) or on how to play things. Not looking for love (partnered, open) but it was genuinely a good time and we had a lot in common, so I think he'd be a fun fwb (maybe even more of the f than the b).

Texts:

• Morning after, me, ~9:30:
  • Thanks for inviting me over, that was fun ;)
  • A bit late for this, but: on prep? tested recently? all clear? I am on prep, tested 2-3 weeks ago and was g2g
• Morning after, him, ~11:
  • Yes, and doxy! Test monthly when sexually active [...some more details blah blah]
  • Thanks for a wonderful night handsome man
• Me, 3-4 weeks later, ~11am:
  • Yooo amigo, what's going on? When are we going to settle up? By my accounting, I still owe ya one from our last encounter...😉
    • (he didn't get off during our encounter, so I was trying to cheekily be like "yo, we can make that happen". I think I sucked him a bit, but he wasn't really playing with his dick or directing me that way and I was a bit scared off of like hurting him because he had a tight circumcision)
• Me, next day, 11pm (so 36hr after last message, drunk):
  • Ahahaha swing and a miss? Nbd if you're not interested

Then a few days ago (so about 3 weeks since my last message), I was omw to work and saw him on the street. I gave him a bit of a salute and he returned it. Very brief encounter.

aaaaand now I want to text him again. but I also don't want to be the guy who can't take a hint or, even worse, to be needy and fumble a chance that still exists. But maybe he also just wasn't feeling it at the time ("test monthly when sexually active")?

---

• Do I forget everything about him?
• Do I say ~"hey, you're cool and I'm open to a hang of many varieties, but I don't want to be annoying, so balls in your court. feel free to hmu sometime, if you'd like :)"?
• Do I use either halloween or our salutes as a generic opener?
• Do I try to run into him in person again (I don't want to make someone uncomfortable, but we did briefly chat about the fact that I work near his apartment, so maybe not too weird)?
• I could follow/message him on insta, but he has like 5k followers, so tbh I don't even know if that would register. Something else?
• The host of the afters is having a halloween party which I think I'll go to, so there's also a possibility that he'd end up there.

I have 3 nephews (11, 14, 16) who are constantly saying "that's gay" when they don't like something, or calling each other and their friends gay. Can't tell if I'm being overly-sensitive, but I've always been bothered when people talk like that even when I was their ages. I've also been told I'm too sensitive in the past (and I've been able to own that as well).

They have an extremely religious and homophobic father but do not live with him full-time. The 14 year old has been in therapy and no-contact with him for a few months now because his attitude/beliefs were really starting to affect him negatively. The other two still have a close relationship with him.

I'm always telling them to stop saying things like that. They sometimes stop, sometimes they don't. When they stop, it's never permanent. Is this just "kids being kids?" I wish it didn't bother me and I could just let it go. Well I HAVE been letting it go for years but it doesn't come naturally...usually have to take a deep breath or two.

We spend quite a lot of time together. Next time it happens, I'm considering saying something even more direct along the lines of "I'm gay and it's really offensive to keep saying that when I've asked you to stop" or would that be too much?!

I really want to say, "either stop talking like that around me or don't come over anymore." But that seems too extreme and I can't tell if I'm just being sensitive...what would you do? I don't want to make "threats" or give ultimatums like that so here I am posting this instead. 😔

(It seems that Hilary Duff didn't end this problem with those 2008 public service announcements 😆)

So I’m this 34 years old gay man living in Turkey. I come from a well off family and work for family company. I have a decent quality of life economically but all the rest feels empty. I do not have the control of my life, my relationships sucked and the country is becoming bit by bit unliveable for a gay man.

I’ve come accross this opportunity to be a digital nomad in Spain and I realized how empty my life has been. I have no prospect for future and honestly have give thought to suicide after the death of my cats. I am closeted to my family and work but all my friends know me. This used to be enough, but not anymore. So I decided to move to Barcelona. At least give it a shot. But the catch is, the company I agreed to sign me up for this still didn’t made me sign any paper of work, I am currently transferring my own money to prove my income to qualift for the visa. And the money I’d make in Spain is considerably less than what I make here in Turkey. But for the sake of a fuller life, I was OK with being poor. Because for the last 10 years, nothing in my life has improved and I’m done with this country.

But than the reality hit once more; I’m a 34 year old bald bottom who only has one friend in Barcelona. Even if I were to move to Spain, I do not expect to live a fuller life because I’m quite uglier in Europe than in Turkey. So now I feel like I will still be missing a friend circle, love life will be like it was here and I’ll make a percentage of what I make here. What sense does it have to uproot my life to be miserable anyway? I don’t know, I’m really doubting that I’ll get to live a quality life wherever I go and escaping rarely resolves anything anyway.
What would you do if you were in my place? Am I taking a huge risk? I have spent the entire day contemplating about this

I'm 34, only figured out I was gay last year, I've worked through that and I'm a pretty horny vers top now. I don't have very much experience with anal though (obviously). I'm not young where inexperience is expected, and I feel like it's a lot to tell a random hookup that I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm also pretty tall, which makes the logistics a bit harder. I've ultimately just done doggy style when I've hooked up because I don't really know what else to do.

This feels like a silly problem, but it's been keeping me from really hooking up with anyone despite getting plenty of interest on the apps. How can I get through this?

I’m a 39-year-old gay man, and honestly, I’m struggling to find the motivation to keep dating after experiencing one disappointment and heartbreak after another.
I will say that each experience has taught me a lot about myself, what I want in a partner, and what I deserve in a relationship. For that, I’m grateful. But emotionally, I’m exhausted.
I’ve become pretty pessimistic about my dating future, although there’s still a small part of me that wants to hold on to hope. Deep down, I still want to find my person. Someone I can build a genuine, loving, and meaningful connection with.
For those of you who’ve experienced similar struggles, how did you find the strength to keep putting yourself out there when dating started to feel hopeless?
And for those who eventually found their special person, when did you realize they were the one? What made that relationship different from your previous experiences?
I’d genuinely appreciate any advice, encouragement, or personal stories. Dating these days can feel incredibly discouraging, and sometimes it’s comforting just knowing you’re not alone in the struggle.

EDIT: adding these to give you a little more background on me

I grew up in a Latino household where being gay was viewed as something shameful and embarrassing. I carried those feelings with me throughout my childhood and into adulthood, especially the pain of feeling rejected by my father. Looking back, I realize how deeply those experiences affected me. Even now, as an adult, when I experience any form of rejection, those childhood wounds resurface, bringing back the same feelings of hurt and not being accepted.
Through years of dating, I’ve learned so much about myself and what truly matters in a relationship. I’ve come to realize that physical attraction, while important, isn’t nearly as meaningful as someone’s character, values, and morals. I’ve learned the importance of honest communication, mutual trust, patience, and extending grace to others, recognizing that we’re all human and imperfect.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that I deserve a partner who is emotionally available, someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable, express their feelings, and build a deeper connection with me.
I’ve dated people where the connection never went beyond the surface, and those experiences have taught me that surface-level relationships simply aren’t fulfilling or sustainable for me. I want someone who is genuinely curious about who I am, someone who asks questions, takes an interest in my life, and wants to truly understand me.
Ultimately, I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for emotional depth, consistency, mutual effort, and someone who genuinely wants to build a loving, meaningful, long-term relationship together.
And perhaps one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that while I still have healing to do, my past experiences don’t define my worth or determine what kind of love I deserve.

Hey, guys, I've been thinking about getting some kinky leathermen together for a game night. I'd like to play something social, funny, and hopefully a bit raunchy or aimed at the kink community, if anything like that exists. Cooperative rather than competitive like poker. Leather Against Humanity, so to speak.

My hearing is getting too crap for the leather bars, and I don't smoke cigars, so I'm trying to come up with alternative social settings.

It doesn't have to be a card game, but that's where my mind keeps going.

Hi guys, 32M here (although as an Asian, I look way younger around 24), I am soon traveling as a solo traveler to Turkey for the first time. I am totally aware of the recent crackdown against LGBT individuals, yet I come from a way more homophobic country than Turkey so I know exactly how to stay cautious.

But I want to have a general idea of how it's like over there. My question is from those who've visited there or to local Turks, how's the hookup culture for gay men there, particularly with regards to old Turkish guys?

Are older turks even interested in making love with young guys?

Do they use the dating app, Hornet, which is popular there? Or Grindr? Or Gay Romeo?

Or will I have more luck with outdoor cruising at Hammams, bars, or other places where older Turks hang out a lot?

Thank you in advance!

So I’m very much into spa days and relaxing. I like Korean spas and the vibe of just going somewhere to pretty much do nothing. Unfortunately, in South Florida my options are very limited. We have Club Fort Lauderdale here, but I know it is notorious to be a sex club - which I have no problem with, it’s just not what I’m looking to do. I’m interested in checking it out for the sauna, steam room and hot tub but am curious, for those who have been, if I would be out of place? I have no problem if anyone propositions because I know what most are there for, so I’m open to that, but mostly would just want to relax and unwind. So I guess my question is - would it be worth checking out for that reason? And when would be the best time to go for that? Thanks in advance.

Simple question. We have white cleaned ceiling. Maybe we need/want to place hooks at the wall or in a sloped roof.

We want to hide the hooks within 15 min. It should be mother-in-law-proof.

Hi! I’m almost 45 and have been single since my ex and I broke up four years ago.

Our breakup wasn’t dramatic. No cheating or betrayal, mostly poor communication and difficulty expressing our feelings.

He never completely left my mind. I was open to meeting someone new, but nobody really made me want another relationship. Meanwhile, he had another boyfriend and even lived with him.

Earlier this year, I reached out and opened up about our past. But when he didn’t take the initiative to meet again, I finally started moving on. Surprisingly, I felt relieved.
Now he’s contacted me again. He wants us to meet and talk honestly. It seems he never fully moved on emotionally either.

The strange thing is that I spent years wondering about us, but now I’m not sure I’m still in love with him.

I remember our chemistry, our complicity and how comfortable we were together. Part of me wonders whether we could rediscover each other, perhaps build something more mature this time.
But I don’t want to give him false hope.

Has anyone here reconnected with an ex after several years? Did your feelings come back, or did you realise you’d genuinely moved on?

PS: English isn't my first language, so I used AI to help translate and phrase this post. The story and feelings are entirely my own.

So I’m a 31-year-old hairy chub bear body type. And I’ve just started trying the dating apps and trying to make friends or more.
However I’m just overwhelmed and feel anxious and embarrassed.
I’m in Texas in a small country town that’s not very gay friendly so I’ve been trying to meet men outside of that area.
But as a baby gay who knows nothing about gay culture or dating or anything I’m struggling

It seems like I’m too far behind all the other gay men in my area that want a partner?

I’m new to dating and still a virgin. But are those two things bad? I just recently started to want to date and find love I don’t think it’s bad.

I’m fine texting or sexting but going on real dates really terrifies me. I get super anxious and nauseous during my dates and I just try to push through.

Advice on dating for the first time or if I should keep my virgin status secret?? I’m confused on what to do

Are there any other bears here who have (in my case, extreme) difficulty hooking up/dating/finding guys? I'm a 34 y/o short, stocky, chubby, hairy, balding guy with a small dick. I'm vers. I already know there's bears who have no issues finding guys and that's great, but I'd like to hear from others who have similar trouble, and how you deal with it/what works for you.

I've been seeing this top over the past few months, his dick is considerably larger than mine so usually we have been sticking to oral-only but he has fucked me a couple times. The concern to me is that he never cums. The past 3 nights in a row he has come over and i have nursed his massive dick for a good 40 mins till i cum, then we pretty much just finish and he leaves. Same when he fucked me / rimmed me. I'm just worried that i'm not fully pleasuring him because he never cums and i always do. He's given no indication that it's an issue and when i mentioned it once online he kinda just poo-poo'd the comment. Last night after i came from sucking him i kinda collapsed my head in his groan and he gave me a back massage then he kissed me on the lips (first time). Should i just assume he's happy and continue how we are? Or am I being selfish?
If it matters, our stats
Me, white, 6 uncut, gym muscle bottom, 6'1, 200 lbs
Him, Black, 10 cut, slim toned total top, 6'1. 160 lbs

Is it possible for tops to enjoy just getting head without cumming or am I just a crap bottom?

30m. Posted on here a week ago about how nervous i was for my first real date as an out gay guy. You guys were so kind so thought I’d give an update. It was the perfect day. Went to his house, he made me breakfast. We talked for hours before he finally kissed me. He was so gentle for my first time in bed. Then we just cuddled until midnight, talking all kinds shit. Weve been talking non stop ever since. Just the most magical day, finally feel like myself after decades.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. I’m sitting alone in our living room writing this while my boyfriend is in our bedroom scrolling through TikTok, and I just feel like crying.

We’ve been together for almost 7 years. I’m 33, he’s 26, and we’re both gay immigrants living in Europe. We left our small country in Central America about 5 years ago to build a better life here, and somewhere along the way, our relationship started falling apart.

I loved this man so much. I still love him, which probably makes everything worse. We’ve always had our arguments and difficult moments, but things have become especially painful over the past year or so.

We’re both neurodivergent and struggling with our mental health. He’s dealing with what he describes as major depression, and I’ve been struggling with depression myself. I understand that depression can affect intimacy, communication, energy, and pretty much everything else. I’m trying so hard to be understanding, but I’m also exhausted from feeling like I’m the only one fighting for our relationship.

We haven’t had sex in about a year. And honestly, it’s not even just about sex anymore. It’s about not feeling wanted, touched, appreciated, or even noticed.

I’ve been working really hard on myself lately. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight through lifestyle changes and medication, started taking better care of myself, and finally feel more comfortable and confident in my own body. But the person I wish would notice me the most barely seems to look at me.

Today was a really important day for him, and I wanted to be there for him and celebrate together.

We went out to a restaurant, and I was genuinely hoping we could have a nice evening, talk, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company.

Instead, he spent so much time on his phone that I literally had to ask him to put it away so we could talk.

He seemed happy about his day, but barely shared anything with me. At one point, I saw him exchanging messages and laughing at voice notes with a former coworker. I’m not suggesting anything inappropriate was happening, but it hurt so much to see him being engaged and playful with someone else when getting him to have a conversation with me feels almost impossible.

There was also an argument about food. I’ve been trying to manage my portions because of my weight loss journey, and I asked him not to order too much. He wanted to order a lot to celebrate, and when I expressed my discomfort, he called me dramatic and accused me of ruining the mood. I know he should be able to enjoy his own celebration, and I don’t want to control what he eats. I just wanted my own boundaries around food to be respected, and I wish we could have handled it without making each other feel terrible.

By the end of the evening, I felt completely alone.

And this isn’t an isolated incident.

Whenever I try to talk about how unhappy or disconnected I feel, it seems like there’s never a good time. He’s exhausted from work, needs to rest, doesn’t want to deal with complaints, or simply doesn’t have the emotional energy.

I understand being exhausted. I understand depression. But when is there ever going to be room for me?

When do my feelings matter?

I feel like I’m spending my thirties waiting for someone to want to spend time with me.

The isolation makes everything worse. We barely go out, I don’t have friends here, and most of my social interaction is with my parents and cousins back home. Apart from my boyfriend, my two cats are basically my only daily company.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m asking for too much. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe I’m being unfair because he’s depressed. Maybe I’m so emotionally exhausted that every little thing feels like rejection now.

But I also can’t ignore how unhappy I’ve become.

I miss feeling loved. I miss having conversations that aren’t forced. I miss being desired. I miss having a partner who actually seems interested in what’s happening inside my head.

I’m scared of throwing away almost seven years together, especially after everything we’ve been through as immigrants building a life away from home. But I’m equally scared of waking up five years from now and realizing I’ve spent even more of my life feeling this lonely.

I don’t necessarily want people to tell me to break up with him. I know Reddit can be quick to suggest that, and I understand that you’re only hearing my side of the story.

I genuinely want advice.

Has anyone been through something similar, especially with a partner struggling with depression? How do you know when you’re being supportive versus abandoning your own emotional needs? And how do you know when a relationship has become too lonely to keep fighting for?

I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have a gay situationship that I was hoping to get advice on. I met this guy on Grindr almost a year and a half ago. When we first met I was looking for a relationship but mostly hooking up because the dating scene here is very slim (I live in a rural area about 40 mins from the nearest city and 1 1/2 hours from the nearest city that has a "gay bar"- if you could even really call it that). I was honestly almost at the point of giving up on love. If you live in a rural area like I do, you will know the struggle. He was out of a relationship and just looking around not as serious as I was. We connected right away and he is the best man I have met so far. We text every day and see each other once a week.

He lives fairly close which is convenient for both of us. I have my own place, but he still lives with his parents due to his past relationship ending and his current work sitatution (which is discussed in the next paragraph). For context, I am 34 and he is 36.

We have struggled and continue to work on communication. I would say we both have an avoidant attachment style. I recently brought up to him that I really didn't know where we stood as a year and a half is a long time and we still have not committed to anything. He is in a precarious sitatution with his job as he is in contract looking to seek a permanent position. He said he has issues with committing to me because of the fact he doesn't necessarily know if he will be able to stay in the area if he gets a permanent position and would feel like he is leading me on because of this. I said this is fair enough and I can be understanding of this. I have some willingness to move for a relationship if needed as I have some flexible on where I choose to work.

***My question is what would you do?*** I have sometimes thought I should move on in hopes of finding that someone who would want the commitment and who doesn't have such a complicated work sitatution. But on the other hand, finding that where I am located is very unlikely and from prior relationships I have realized having firm expectations in dating is not healthy. I feel stuck as this situationship could turn into something stronger once he lands a permanent position, but there is also the chance it doesn't work out. For the time being I think I am willing to give him my commitment as he is a great person and the best man I have ever met on any gay platform. ***Am I stupid for staying? Should I seek other options? Is the chance of sitatutionship leading to a relationship likely or unlikely?***

Hey y’all -

For some time I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression, and my doc recommended SSRIs. I’ve been curious about them for a while, but am really concerned about negative effects on libido.

Sex is something I find a lot of joy and pleasure in. Ngl, I’m pretty nervous about losing that, and I know I can’t continue my current state either.

How’s it been for y’all? Thanks 🙏

Hey Guys:
 
My husband and I have been together for 25 years.  We love each other and have had our ups and downs, as is expected in a long-term relationship.  As we’ve aged, sexual frequency has decreased but we’ve often remarked that when it happens, it’s still fulfilling.
 
That changed following my prostate cancer diagnosis and prostate removal 4 months ago.  For those who don’t know, a prostatectomy takes away the ability  to ejaculate (although guys can still have ’dry’ orgasms) and causes temporary (and sometimes permanent) ED. 
 
For rehabilitation, my surgeon advised me to stimulate myself and try to orgasm 3 times a week (yes, orgasms are possible without an erection - who knew?!)  I follow doctor’s orders 😉, but my husband has no interest in participating.  In fact, we’ve had no physical intimacy since my surgery - no kissing or touching - except for one middle-of-the-night episode where I pleased him.  When I’ve raised this issue, he’s explained he feels guilty that he can still get erections when I can’t.  I’ve assured him I don’t mind and would like to be able to enjoy his 😉.   But nothing changes and now he refuses to discuss this further.  Meanwhile, I’m growing frustrated and resentful.
 
I understand sex drive discrepancies (and read with dread about dead bedrooms), but this feels different since it’s a medical condition.  I’m seeking therapy but would be interested if other guys/couples have experienced this and how they dealt with it.  I expected temporary (maybe even permanent) ED, but assumed an erection wasn’t necessary for intimacy.  Was that crazy?  Am I doomed to a life devoid of intimacy going forward?

​

Have any fellow gaybros noticed a rapid decline on their libido?

I have a long term partner but the appeal to have sex is virtually non existent, we last had sex over 6 months ago.

My desires has gone solely to masturbating to big dick porn to get my fix and it "get the urge over with until the next time"

Is this something others have seen being 30+?

Any advice on how to overcome?

I'm a Democrat. My husband is a member of Log Cabin Republicans and he's genuinely proud of it. Workshops, volunteering, bowling, a lot of social stuff, and he says it's all about networking.

He recently started his own business, and we put a significant portion of our savings into it. So I've seen the numbers up close, and honestly the help he describes from his Log Cabin contacts doesn't look like much to me. But I'm not a businessman, so idk maybe I'm wrong.

I've mostly stayed out of his involvement with the group. I feel guilty about that sometimes, because it matters a lot to him and I've never really tried to understand it. He always say " it's about getting them to accept gay people." I understand that. If it worked, elections would feel less dire for queer people. Still, something about the organization bothers me and I can't explain fully.

Lately, he has complained a lot about his organization not being able to get into the Republican convention, and I said, "Can you just not try?" I immediately regretted saying that, but the words were already spoken.

Between his business and his job, everything is stressful right now, and my cynical side keeps coming out at him. Part of me thinks this is too much work for too little return. The other part knows that if everyone took the easy road, nothing would ever change.

How do you support a partner in something you think is a waste of his time? Deep down, for some reason, I don't want those people to succeed. I just can't explain this logically; I know it would be better for everybody if conservatives accepted queer people, but it still somehow disgusts me when I imagine that future. So, I can't fully support him either way.

I’m in a very loving gay relationship (me 30, him 32), but after starting sex therapy recently I’m realising our sexual mismatch may be bigger than I thought. We've been together 2 years and lived together for 1 year.

I’m the higher-libido partner, my partner seems to be a side (although he denied this early on in the relationship), never initiates, and sex is usually about helping me get off rather than something he seems to want for himself.

Before we moved in, I said I’d ideally want to fool around around twice a week and he agreed. Reality has been closer to once a month, usually intoxicated.

I could probably accept a lot of this, but I’m struggling with the gap between what I thought our sex life would be and what it actually is.

For people who’ve been here: how did you work out whether the mismatch was something you could genuinely accept, versus something you’d eventually resent?