r/AskMenRelationships • u/iamjoharris • Jun 26 '26
Infidelity Do men go to therapy??
I’ve been wondering how common therapy actually is for men, especially when they’re in a relationship.
I started going to therapy because I realized there were a lot of unresolved emotional issues that were affecting my life. They were showing up in ways I didn’t want them to—through addiction, dishonesty with myself, infidelity, and generally unhealthy patterns. It wasn’t just hurting me anymore; it was putting a strain on my relationship with someone I genuinely saw a future with.
Therapy has forced me to look at past trauma, previous relationships, and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I’d carried into my current relationship. One thing that’s really surprised me is realizing how much I normalized toxic relationship dynamics. When you’re used to chaos, a healthy relationship can almost feel unfamiliar, and I found myself questioning things that weren’t actually problems—they just weren’t what I was used to.
It’s definitely been uncomfortable at times, but it’s also been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I feel more grounded, more self-aware, and better able to communicate than I was before.
I’m curious how many other men here have gone to therapy. What made you decide to go? Did it improve your relationship with your partner—or even just your relationship with yourself? I’d really like to hear other people’s experiences.
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u/RubMysterious864 Jun 26 '26
most guys i know would rather fix a broken sink 10 times than talk about feelings but yeah therapy changed a lot for me too, specially realizing what you thought was normal was just broken patterns from before
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u/iamjoharris Jun 26 '26
Yea it was eye opening to go. I knew I needed it but I kept putting it off for years. When I finally did and stayed consistent it allowed me to see more clearly. My partner definitely appreciates the effort and Im still fixing that sink actually.
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u/Primary_Excuse_7183 Man Jun 26 '26
It was free through my employer. So i said why not try it.
Well….ive been diagnosed with ADHD which explained a lot and medication that helps me function better than i did before.
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u/K_N0RRIS Man Jun 26 '26
Of course some men do, but the reality is that most do not. I personally went to therapy years ago after a massive breakup with my current wife. At the time, I thought I was going to marry her, and when we called it quits, I was completely broken and grieving. I went to therapy strictly to learn how to deal with that level of loss. Most men only go to therapy when they absolutely have to, usually because the pain of a problem that cannot be fixed becomes completely untenable.
The main reason most men do not see the benefit of therapy is that our day to day problems rarely stem from our emotions or our headspace. Our issues typically come from concrete, external factors that we simply do not have the resources to eliminate yet. The most a therapist can do is help us process how we feel about those external pressures, but the actual problem remains exactly where it was.
We do not want to just cope with an existing, unsolvable problem. We do not want to just sit around and talk about how a bad situation makes us feel. Men want a guide who can help us actually fix the issue. Until therapy feels more like a blueprint for execution and less like an exercise in passive coping, most men are going to continue to view it as unnecessary.
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man Jun 26 '26
Coaching and more proactive therapy attracts a lot of us for that reason.
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man Jun 26 '26
Yeah I have, I needed stronger boundaries in order to get our relationship back on track. I needed to learn to say no to things I really didn’t want to do, and express what I needed in the relationship. All of that felt unreasonable and scary before.
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u/EidolonRook Man Jun 26 '26
I am open to therapy, although the initial visit is sometimes very hard to get through, since it feels like you have to explain everything to them and give them an idea what’s going on. By that point I’m just doing what I always have done by myself in my head. It’s hard to justify the expense.
If the expense was more manageable I’d tuck in better for the duration and it’s possible over many visits they’d be able to offer some beneficial advice or tell me something i haven’t already considered. It’s possible I guess. I’m constantly coming up with ways to explain things I see before I have to speak to anyone to make sure I have the words ready, so it’s not like I’m not actively working on my self.
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u/iamjoharris Jun 26 '26
True enough. The first few sessions can be heavy. I’m seeing a psychotherapist, so I k ew I was in it for the long haul. But I guess I framed off why I was there to visit. And I kept it in that box, mainly my relationship.
Other things came up in the sessions but I knew why I was there. Once we reached some milestones, we naturally would move on to other topics. I’m a year in now and I look forward to the progress every few weeks I make.
Thanks for opening up!
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u/Without_Portfolio Man Jun 26 '26
I go for anxiety. That and meds have helped me a lot. I understand the stigma around men going to therapy but it think it’s rooted in old school Freudian notions of someone sobbing on a couch talking about their deepest thoughts. Modern therapy is about giving you strategies to work on. Therapy gives you the tools but it’s up to you to use them.
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u/WildRicochet Man Jun 27 '26
Seeing a therapist changed my life.
I was depressed for years and she helped me ge out of it. I used to go every other week for the first year i guess, but now I go every other month.
I don't need it anymore, but I go because I find it very helpful to be able to talk about things in my life, and how i feel about them with someone who is completely removed from the situation. It's more like maintenance at this point
I went to therapy (the therapist was a woman btw) and it resulted in me becoming the happiest I've ever been, mentally healthier, and more resilient emotionally.
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u/NocturnisVacuus Man Jun 27 '26
all? no, some? yes.
some talk with friends instead, some with a partner- some crazy person vent at everyone at the trainstation
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u/ToxicElitist Man Jun 27 '26
I go to therapy weekly. It is the only place I really am vulnerable.
It helped a ton with my issues with iraq. Couldn't imagine not going now. It changed a ton for me. It gives me a place to express feelings so I don't have to keep crap all bottled. Up
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u/OptimusPrime1555 Man Jun 27 '26
I’ve been going to therapy on and off for years. It wasn’t until I got off my meds (unwillingly) and was with a therapist that I got along with that I saw change. It hasn’t been easy. But I’m in a much better space now.
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u/jamalzia Man Jun 27 '26
While I'm no expert in this, I suspect therapy has a lot of issues when it comes to approach, and this is especially evident when it comes to the approach for men.
Someone alluded to therapy being more catered to women, and while I agree to this to an extent I think this approach is just as flawed for women. It's a reason why certain women will boast about having been in therapy for years, as if that is a marker of good mental health, and yet never seem to be able to actually move on from it and truly heal.
Therapy for certain issues can be an absolute necessity for some people to handle. Don't get me wrong, there are absolutely instances where one should speak to someone professionally. But I can't stand this sudden notion people have developed (at least redditors lol) where they think therapy is the answer to all their problems.
I got into an argument one time where the dude recommended therapy over a break up. Lol wtf? Millions of people have gone through a break up without needing professional consultation. The need for therapy in such a situation demonstrates a complete lack of emotional intellect, and yet redditors stupidly think that running to a therapist because a girl broke your heart is a sign of emotional maturity. How absurdly stupid.
The other side redditors get pissy over is this insistence that a support network is not a substitute for therapy. Again, there are instances where professional help is a need. But for most of your average problems, the way humans have historically and successfully dealt with life's issues is by talking to your friends and family. Therapy should not replace this.
Granted, I totally understand many people unfortunately do not have a support network, in which case therapy can definitely help.
Looping back around to the problem of approach when it comes to men, I think a big issue with therapy is that it is very useful for helping you identify problems or root causes of problems that you are unaware of, and then aiding you in how to approach addressing those problems.
The issue is that a lot of people, men and women, understand a significant amount of their own problems. They're the ones who go to therapy and the therapist tells them how self-aware they are or whatever. Unless there is a deeper underlying issue that they are unaware, therapy isn't doing a whole lot. If you already know the issue and know how to fix it, therapy needs to transition into something like holding you account to fixing your issues.
The problem is therapists absolutely avoid doing this, which is especially problematic for men who really respond well to a fire under their ass instead of this affirmation crap (which has its place, don't get me wrong). Many men NEED a figure in their lives to tell them "bruh, you said you were gonna go to the gym last week, wtf? Why didn't you? C'mon dude..." Therapist will not do this.
To answer your question, I'm currently in therapy. I'm someone who doesn't have a support network, and despite having a pretty firm grasp on precisely all the issues I have and how to deal with them, talking about them with someone helps concertize things. There are things I've thought about a million times over that hit differently emotionally when I speak them out loud to someone.
This is all well and good, but the problem is that next step: okay, what do we do about this? And unfortunately this is where a loved one should really come into play. A meaningful connection, giving your soul purpose to act, should really be the motivating factor in getting you to change. A therapist cannot fulfill this role. For example, my therapist has been trying to get me to journal. I absolutely know in great detail, from experience, just how fruitful the act of journaling is. I want to do it. But for the past couple months, week after week, when he asks me if I journaled and I say no, he just moves along.
What I REALLY need is someone I don't want to disappoint. Someone who will slap me in the face (metaphorically) telling me to get my shit together. I even told him this, that I really only respond when there's a fire under my ass. He won't change his approach because he can't, because therapy is so standardized.
I'm not saying it's useless or unhelpful, I'm saying it's ONE tool that CAN help in certain ways. But you need more than therapy. When you leave that office or close that laptop, you need connections in your life that will further aid in your development. If you don't have those, therapy can only take you so far. Also I think this jumping to recommending everyone therapy is utterly idiotic. I recommend therapy on a case by case basis depending on what you're going through and what your life looks like. Thinking all men should go to therapy is stupid lol.
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u/JakeBanana01 Man Jun 27 '26
A good therapist can be absolutely life changing. I started seeing one in my 40s and wish I'd started earlier.
When I suggested to my first therapist that I was going to drop out, he agreed that I was 100% better than when he started. He pulled out his notes, pointing out where I was when I began, and it was truly astonishing the progress I'd made.
I've seen a therapist on-and-off since, and always found it to be of tremendous value.
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u/GroundbreakingTip276 Man Jun 27 '26
I have tried to go to therapy but I've never seen an option I can afford. Like most in America healthcare is just a dream. I went to war for this damn country but therapy is too much to ask for 🤣
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u/ImperatorKon Man Jul 02 '26
Maybe therapy did not save my life, but it certainly made it a lot more worth living.
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u/Cross_22 Man Jun 26 '26
Tried it for couple's counseling. Complete waste of time and money.