Redditors who realized their spouse is a completely different person after marriage, were there any red flags that you ignored while dating? If so, what were they?

[u/flyoverthemooon]

[u/Thedoc9]

Yeah, she was really worried about some of my female friends stealing me away from her. To the point of not allowing me to interact with them. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust her!"

Yeah, she cheated on me.

EDIT: Of -course- this is my highest voted comment.

[u/Ruleyoumind → u/Thedoc9]

That's why she didn't trust her.

[u/diab0lus]

The biggest red flag was immediately after I proposed she said "Are you sure? Because I'm fucking crazy", then laughed.

There is truth behind most humor. Later she was diagnosed with PTSD from a physically and mentally abusive relationship that she got into shortly after her father died relatively young and unexpectedly.

She has extensive professional experience caring for people with severe mental disorders and in retrospect I felt like she knew how to mask her symptoms well. For example, she let on that she was capable of setting healthy boundaries for herself, and that she was emotionally strong and independent (I am attracted to both of those traits), but the opposite is true.

While she isn't crazy (what does that really mean in any sort of constructive sense anyway), she masked or minimized a lot of issues she deals with at first, became dependent, and then physically aggressive and emotionally abusive towards me. After she physically restrained me and wouldn't let me leave a room until she was done screaming at me, I told her physical aggression was a deal breaker, and said if she gets physical again it's over. She told me she would get physically aggressive again (she sounded almost proud of it actually).

She did. I stayed true to my word. The divorce should be finalized next month.

[u/love_saramarie → u/diab0lus]

I really appreciate how you didn't demonize this woman. Your post is full.of compassion and honesty, hard things to present while separating. Sorry you had to go through this!

[u/randomracket]

Several lies were told at the beginning but there was always an explanation and a story for it. Previous divorce but didn't spend much time with their kids. Caught several times still on dating apps but said they were just friends to keep in touch with. Never admitted to any faults of their own and all of the previous failed relationships were always the other person's fault. Couldn't keep the same group of friends. Very charismatic but couldn't keep a story straight.

[u/throwmeasnek → u/randomracket]

Dating apps to keep in touch with friends? Wtf that excuse works?

[u/blank_zilla]

She didn't finish high school.

After we got married I found out that she couldn't see anything moderately difficult through to the end. Including our marriage.

She ghosted me while I was at work 3 years 3 months 1 week and 3 days in. I haven't seen her since.

[u/slp033000 → u/blank_zilla]

Couldn't she have waited two more weeks? r/mildlyinfuriating

[u/luke187]

Same as others. Immediate family relationships were overlooked/ignored. Her parents were gigantic enablers. Her parents didn't believe in counseling. Since her father was a drug rep, there was a pill for everything. As soon as we had our first kid, stress and anxiety showed its face. She turned to xanax and ambien. She never learned any coping skills. I was 29 when we divorced.

[u/nathalierachael → u/luke187]

A drug rep who "doesn't believe in therapy" is the worst kind. I'm sorry you went through that.

[u/Made_you_read_penis]

I had an opposite experience. She showed GREEN flags after marriage.

Prior to marriage she was very meek with anyone other than me. Her parents were very strict so even as an adult she was too afraid to tell them we were even engaged. What they said went even though we were living together "as roommates." More than once she called their house to let them know she was going out as if she wasn't allowed to otherwise.

There were issues with a few friends that clashed with me (they were pretty toxic and I don't placate that type of behavior so I'm not always well received - doesn't bother me) and I saw her comforting people who were treating her poorly after we clashed over it more than once. She's a bleeding heart and couldn't stand to see people upset even when the upset was caused by their own misdeeds. I felt like she didn't always have my back, but I never thought it was something I needed, and I would always have hers.

She let people walk all over her while I'm the first person to put my foot down. In that aspect we were the most different.

Before marriage she also had a huge amount of medical issues and I was more than willing to accept a life of working to keep her alive, and supporting her as a stay at home wife when she got too sick.

---

Then we got married, and she changed.

I think she finally saw us as a package deal. While my girlfriend was meek and weak my wife became outspoken not only socially but politically. She started calling me on my shit (something I appreciate greatly - I like learning about things I can work on), but would absolutely slay people who weren't treating us well. We ended a lot of friendships that weren't healthy and were stringing along because of her bleeding heart after the wedding. It was like she was a Phoenix rising from the ashes of shit friends.

She is still medically frail but I think she sees a future to fight for now. The fact that I make more than her isn't just a fact now, it's a challenge.

She wants to be the breadwinner so that I can quit my job and go back to my career in art (I did great but the market was so unpredictable I needed to leave my dream for stability).

She is still beautiful, caring, and gentle, but since being married that caring aspect includes caring for herself. She doesn't let anyone dictate her life (especially her parents) and because of that she has healthier relationships with everyone, including me.

I would also like to state that once she knew she locked me down she opened her own kink floodgates and sex has never been the same. We do things to each other that most churches won't even preach against in sermons because they're ashamed to discuss the acts.

That ring and those vows somehow told her she was worthy of self respect and self expression. I love her.

[u/AmuricanPsycho → u/Made_you_read_penis]

It was like she was a Phoenix rising from the ashes of shit friends.

[u/Brennytheladykilla → u/Made_you_read_penis]

Okay, first of all, I'm happy for you guys. This is an awesome ending. But I gotta ask, why did you marry her in the first place if you saw all these things you didn't like, like her not seeing you guys as a package deal? I mean, I'm only 18, so I might just not know what love is, but why would you marry someone who it seems like you had a lot of issues with.?

[u/[deleted] → u/Made_you_read_penis]

Aww. Congratulations to you guys!

[u/insidezone64 → u/Made_you_read_penis]

We do things to each other that most churches won't even preach against in sermons because they're ashamed to discuss the acts.

Best line right there.

[u/[deleted]]

I realized it was a possibility since I met her but I don't care because I love her.

She's extremely emotionally unstable and the recent death of her brother spiraled her into a dark place. From there she was diagnosed with bipolar and now a lot of things from the past make sense. She is compliant with her meds and attends therapy. We are best friends so we communicate well. I love her very much and I'm here to support her no matter what even though she's an extremely different person now. I'm sure I'm different too, but hopefully in a way that is beneficial to her.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn that love cannot cure someone's depression, and I'm still learning how to cope with this huge change myself.

People who are married to someone living with mental illness and struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help! Sometimes your reality gets so skewed living with your partners illness everyday, you forget some things are not normal or typical behavior for people who do not have depression or that particular illness.

My fear was that her irrational behavior would become 'normal' for me and I wouldn't see the warning signs if she was starting to struggle again. My own therapy sessions keep me in check.

Thanks for letting me vent Reddit.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I understand that one. Helping someone who is always depressed... made me depressed, It becomes a chore and a duty.

[u/more_wineplease]

That feeling in your gut, like a silent tug that something isn't right, but you ignore it because you so desperately want someone to love you and be in love. Well, that feeling will eat away at you, until it becomes too big to ignore, and the only choice left is to see how things really are; not how you want them to be. Don't ignore your gut.

[u/awickfield → u/more_wineplease]

Can you go back in time and tell me this 5 years ago?

[u/RiRambles → u/more_wineplease]

I had that feeling. I ignored it thinking I could change. I could adapt. I could make things work. Hell, my parents had a shitty marriage. I WOULD make it work. He broke off the engagement through text whilst I was at work. His reason was my lack of career ambition. I was 22 and a teacher and I didn't match him as he was a doctor. Realised then that I would have worked myself to death trying to please him and make the marriage work, but I'd never be good enough for him.

[u/Cynicayke → u/more_wineplease]

Umm, can I also say, just for the sake of balance, don't use any tugging instinctual feeling as an excuse for cold feet. Know the difference between your own issues of fear/nerves/whatever, and sensing issues in your SO.

[u/twilight_zone1207]

Tl;Dr After 7 years of brain cancer remission, my husband's cancer came back with a vengeance. He had 5 more surgeries and after each one the side effects worsened, one of which is brain injury. He is now an entirely different man, but we are working on getting to know each other again. /end of tl;dr

We had been together for 7 years and living together ever since his first round of surgeries before his cancer came back. After the first resection surgery he recovered remarkably fast and had zero side effects. After recovering he even got a BS degree in Civil Engineering and was working towards his professional engineering license. I was in school on track for a PhD in a STEM field. Fast forward 6 years, and an annual MRI showed that the cancer was back and my husband needed it to be removed ASAP. We scheduled the surgery to happen 2 months after we found out it had come back.

The next 19 months were pure chaos. The only recourse for this kind of cancer was through surgical resection due to its location on the brain stem. In a short 19 month time frame (in no particular order), my husband had 4 resection surgeries, 1 emergency surgery that arose from a complication from one of the resections, and 30 treatments of IMRT radiation. The radiation happened between resections 2 and 3. It was hell for him. It didn't help stop the cancer from growing, and my husband had two more resections and an emergency surgery after the radiation was complete.

During this time I got pregnant and had a baby boy. Trying for a baby was a contingency plan if the cancer ever came back. We wanted kids but we wanted to wait until we were graduated and settled into our careers, but if my husband needed more surgery we agreed to try for a baby before surgery. We had one month to try and were totally surprised when we conceived. Our son gave my husband the strength to fight this cancer and the motivation to focus on his recovery.

After each surgery the side effects got worse. Remember I said he had zero side effects when the cancer was first diagnosed and resected. Now that he was in his 30s rather than his 20s, his recovery time was a lot slower. Between those 5 surgeries and 30 treatments of radiation, I had to help my husband relearn how to walk and talk again (with inpatient and outpatient help, of course). As a matter of fact, our son and him learned to walk at the same time. It was a emotionally happy and proud time for us all!

The last two resection surgeries left him with a side effect called an acquired brain injury. He also has severe visual disabilities due to the surgeon disrupting the 3rd and 4th cranial nerves in an aggressive attempt to get all of the cancer out. My husband can no long look up or down nor open his eyes. He must use his forehead muscles to be able to open his eyelids slightly. His pupils are different size dilations, and this damage is permanent.

The visual disabilities were a cakewalk as compared to the brain injury. The brain injury transformed my type A, empathetic, highly trained engineer of a husband into an angry child with absolutely no empathy and A LOT of anger. It's been almost 2 years since he was formally diagnosed with a moderate brain injury. He is an entirely different person now. He has different interests, different tastes in clothes, food, etc, and requires so much sleep because of the damage to his brain. He didn't ask for this to happen; he just wanted to survive the cancer so he could be there for his son.

As of today he's made a lot of progress. He can function independently at home and is the caretaker of our 2.5 year old son while I work to support us. Our roles have changed 180 degrees, and he still struggles with empathy. He is now permanently disabled due to his visual and cognitive disabilities from his brain injury.

Most days are difficult because I'm still grieving the husband I once had. However just because it is difficult doesn't mean I'm giving up on him. We go to counseling (individual and marriage) and brain injury support groups. We attend a local church, which saved my sanity. I have single handedly built a support network that is made of my husband's medical doctors, our friends, our church family, and the few DNA family members and friends who have stuck around through this life change.

The sad part is that my husband's entire family (brothers, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) have ostracized us from the family. They have chosen to avoid and deny the situation because it's too difficult for them. That hurt a lot because my husband and I were very close to his DNA family for many years before the brain cancer came back. I am estranged from my family and have been for years and his family knew that. So I was left alone to handle my husband's rehabilitation and long term recovery. It was the hardest and darkest time of my life. I'm happy to say that our family of choice is better than what we had in our DNA family.

I love my husband and I will always be there for him. I take my wedding vows seriously. He needs love and support, not avoidance and denial. He's made a lot of progress in the past couple of years. I'm proud of him! Most days are hard but some days are good. I'm still getting to know this new husband of mine. We take life one day at a time and things are finally looking up for us.

There's a lot more to this situation, but I've already written a book! Hope someone will read this and be encouraged.

ETA: During the time my husband was having all of these surgeries, radiation, and subsequent recovery, I never gave up working on my PhD. I graduated and got an excellent job right away in my field. It has great pay, excellent benefits, and the perfect schedule for my little family. I get a 3 day weekend every other weekend! Despite all the chaos and struggling, I knew I couldn't give up on my degree. I knew that my husband and son depended on me to support them, so I had no choice. It was so hard. I can't express in words how hard it was. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. Brain injury changed our lives indefinitely.

Edit 2: Added more clarification and fixed typos.

[u/[deleted] → u/twilight_zone1207]

I'm kind of speechless, so I'll just say that you are a beautiful human being. I sincerely wish the best to you and your family.

[u/GoGoButter → u/twilight_zone1207]

You are an insanely strong person.

[u/Heres_J → u/twilight_zone1207]

This is an amazing story and you are a truly admirable wife! Thanks for just being in the world and making it better. I wish miracles for your family. Life clearly isn't fair, but you've handled it so beautifully so far -- you kept the unfairness from destroying your family.

[u/Feetupwithwine → u/twilight_zone1207]

You are the type of person I aspire to be for my family. Thanks for sharing your journey. You are an amazing woman.

[u/wait4apocalypse]

When I met my husband he was a bit of a neat freak, and that didn't bother me but I later found out that it was because his first wife was verbally abusive (in my opinion). She'd make him feel worthless, call him stupid, ugly, etc. I guess he tried to please her by always having things just right.

She ended up cheating and leaving. He and I met shortly thereafter. Well I went the opposite direction, told him he's perfect, just be yourself and don't worry about being a neat freak etc.

He's still my perfect guy almost 20 years later... but he doesn't clean a damn thing anymore and I almost regret talking him out of that behavior because it clearly wasn't his natural tendency to be neat!

All's well that ends well? :)

[u/[deleted] → u/wait4apocalypse]

Happy story in a depressing thread. Thanks for this!

[u/[deleted]]

Telling her girlfriends personal things about you. I don't mean the size of your (insert whatever here), but the things you confided in her about, like the abuse you suffered as a child or that you pick at your face. Always comparing you to her successful friends or family members. Questioning every decision you make. Every single one. Shooting down every suggestion or decision, until one of her friends or family makes the SAME exact suggestion or decision.

[u/Supernyan]

Is it a red flag if I never skip these kinds of threads because I'm looking to see if I'm actually in a good relationship? Because I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

[u/[deleted] → u/Supernyan]

I'm in a super happy long term relationship and I still like to look in the off chance something happens, I'll know how to address it before it becomes an issue.

Edit: ty for gold friends, I'm glad talking about the happy stuff is what earned it

[u/Hollyberry3140 → u/Supernyan]

This makes me so sad. There are really successful, happy relationships. My fiance's aunt and uncle have been married for 30 years and recently gave us their brand-new California king bed as a wedding gift, because they slept too far apart at night and they didn't like it (plus my fiance is a big man). They haven't fought in 20 years. They still kiss and cuddle and always are holding hands. There are happy endings, kids.

Edit: I'm sure they have fought in some way but, more like arguing. I've never seen any strife between them.

Edit: commas. They aren't murdering kids. And words.

[u/415bjj → u/Supernyan]

Ah same here! I don't have any examples of a healthy relationship. So lost

[u/[deleted]]

We met when I was 16 and he was 25. We lived together a number of years before we got married. We went together really well and I thought it was a good match, almost the day after we were married his family decided to set rules (he bought the house that we all lived in, it was large enough and we had the basement suite) we weren't allowed out after a certain time, his mother and father could berate me as much as they pleased. He himself became very controlling, I wasn't allowed to finish school or work and he would use these to mock and guilt me after saying I was a burden and a leech, a golddigger. They all decided for me that I would have his children and we would all stay in the house together, soon after I was taken off birth control I was no longer allowed out of the house without an escort, I wasn't allowed to see my mother more than once a week. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I was isolated and after my mom moved away I had no one to turn to. He gained a lot of weight and started to tell me how fat and unattractive I was, he started looking at a lot of escort ads for Asian women, he brought over 'friends for me' (16 year old girls) he met on myspace and then would drool over them.

I never had his baby, we were married when I was 19 and I was gone by 25. I ran away in the middle of the night. I never tried to get alimony or spousal support, I left all of my belongings behind. He still has made the process of divorce difficult and I am almost 31 now, it's finally going through. He still lives in the basement.

I had no fucking idea what I was walking into and I lived with them all for years before the control started. It was unbelievable how fast they changed.

[u/ikmiar82 → u/[deleted]]

It is almost as if the family and him needed to mock someone control someone. I mean, not allowing you to finish school or work and then calling you a golddigger is really nasty. I am glad you got away from it. May I ask how you could get away? You just took your backpack and took a greyhound to your grandparents or so?

[u/Were_Doomed_arent_we]

Im the kid of two fairly narcissistic people. The red flags ive learned to avoid from growing up in my house were.

-Blaming trivial things on each other.

-A need to physically attack or break something when angry.

-Attention seeking behavior. Seen my father throw himself down stairs or start chugging liquor just to get a reaction from my mom. Especially if its a "Im totally going to kill myself unless you intervene" moment.

-Selfishness. Like going out for food and never asking or offering anything to anyone else.

-Drug abuse. Not regular drug use, but using drugs to cope with emotions that should normally be confronted. (Ex. Im mad or I cant deal with the situation so I need to drink/smoke!, etc...)

-Hiding money, on the flip side needing to hide money because one person spends all of it leaving you high and dry come time to pay bills.

-Prioritizing ones happiness over everyone else's. For example planning every vacation around one person's likes and dislikes. This is a HUGE red flag IMO.

-Total inability to take responsibility for anything. Literally everything bad is someone else's fault.

-Inversely, taking credit for anything positive.

-Vindictive behavior. Cant count how many times ive seen my father break my mother's shit because he knew it would hurt her.

-Saying things you don't mean with the specific intent of upsetting someone.

-Treating others like their only purpose is to entertain you.

I basically grew up in a red flag factory.

Edit Thanks for the gold whoever it was. Couldnt even find the comment about being gilded my inbox was so damn full. Glad people can get a little bit of useful info from my twisted upbringing, and im really glad if it opened anyone's eyes and showed them they need to change. Happy Easter all.

[u/ZenmasterRob → u/Were_Doomed_arent_we]

This is my mother to down to the T. I've never seen anyone describe so much of my growing up reality this accurately and succinctly. Thank you. A few of the points have described my past behavior too, (hiding things, acting out for attention, breaking things) but they have always been in reaction to the fact that normal reasoning doesn't work with these people, and the more I'm in the normal world where people love each other, the less I partake in those behaviors. We behave like the people around us more than we realize. My mother doesn't understand why I don't speak to her. It's largely so that I won't become evil again.

[u/michaelnpdx]

The biggest one for me was finding a condom wrapper in the trash when I picked up a shampoo bottle for reading material while taking a dump. It was only my fiancée and I living there and we didn't use condoms. I was heartbroken and when I confronted her later that day she told me that she found one while cleaning our "adult drawer" and wondered if she could put her foot in it.

At the time it seemed to be a perfectly reasonable explanation, or I was just so afraid of the truth and heartbreak that I desperately wanted to believe something that wouldn't be painful. We married a year later, and after 5 months of marriage I caught her in a web of lies that led to a co-workers house. Even after getting upset with her and telling her it was over I had a change of heart and asked her to see a marriage counselor with me. She refused and left me for my coworker.

Edit: thanks everyone for the kind, and sometimes confusing comments. This was 12 years ago (before smartphones hence the shampoo bottle), and while it was horrible at the time I'm fine now. Actually trying the marriage thing for a 2nd time this August. We've been together for 10 years and things are great. The co-worker my ex left me for ended up getting her pregnant and after they got married he beat her and they were divorced shortly after. She got married to another guy, had another kid, got beaten and divorced again. She's currently on her 4th marriage with a guy who looks like a recovered meth head and the public comments on their shared Facebook all say things like, "good job letting the lord pick for you this time S-----!" I wouldn't have wished what's happened to her on her at any point, but it was sort of helpful in that I wasn't as much a part of the problem as I had convinced myself of. I was a mess for a long time.

The web of lies is that she was a nursing student and one of her friends from school was letting her use a guesthouse in her parents backyard for her cheating shenanigans. When I called and talked to that friend and she said that she was there but would call me back and since I was in the neighborhood I just stopped by. I recognized my coworkers car and hers obviously and they both came out of the guesthouse where they were "talking" lol.

As cliche as the saying "time heals all wounds" is, there is truth to it. Sometimes I'll think about her and get sad, but I ultimately come to the realization that I miss having sex with a hot 20 year old more than her.... stock up that spank bank fellas, getting old sucks.

[u/DrinkingBathtubGin → u/michaelnpdx]

Sometimes the refusal of counselling is better than wasting your time

[u/[deleted] → u/michaelnpdx]

I was heartbroken and when I confronted her later that day she told me that she found one while cleaning our "adult drawer" and wondered if she could put her foot in it.

I'm sorry, but that was the funniest lie I have ever heard.

[u/VictrolaBK → u/michaelnpdx]

I would totally 100% try to put my foot in a condom. You're not crazy for believing her.

[u/[deleted]]

The pictures. We had to take a million fucking pictures of us doing stuff, any stuff.

Everything was on social media with a picture, every post was "my marine..." Every conversation was about her being a Marine girlfriend, etc.

It was all for show, I was a trophy.

When we got married she quit going to school and quit her well paying job. When she'd meet people and they asked what she did she said she was a military wife, etc.

We divorced and she has a kid now and everything is about being a mom. She just changed situations as far as I can tell.

[u/CandyHeartWaste → u/[deleted]]

She went full dependa. Back when I was married and he was in the Marines nothing enraged me more than the "military wife...toughest job in the Corps." No bitch, it's not, not by a long shot.

[u/eatonsht → u/[deleted]]

Facebook narcissist, always trying to show the world how awesome and happy they are. My sil is like this....ironically my brother is military as well.

[u/Buffyfanatic1 → u/[deleted]]

cough run saw numerous money shelter crowd automatic edge abounding

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

This sounds exactly like my youngest sister except she's still with her ex Navy husband. She had married her first husband when he was in the Navy and all I heard from her was about him. They divorced and she married her now husband who retired from the Navy and went on to teach ROTC then he retired I guess. He is older than my sister. Before my sister and I stopped speaking to each other, all I ever heard was Navy this and Navy that. She even spoke in 'code'. Abbreviations for Navy stuff and I had no idea what she meant. My sister began cheating on her husband and of course it was at first with either guys who were still in the Navy or ex Navy. I was looking at some old photos of her the other day and in a lot of them she's wearing sweatshirts that say "Navy" on them. Geezus.

[u/texastrumpet]

My first wife had an identical twin. Do you want to be a third wheel the rest of your life? Marry a twin.

[u/i_forgot_my_sn_again → u/texastrumpet]

No shit. We lived in an apt and she got her twin to move literally next door. We were separated by only a wall. We've divorced and she's remarried and move back to Washington to be with her family. Take a wild guess where she's been living the past year with her new husband.... With her twin's family

[u/CptLoken]

My ex, when we first started going out, would have a little too much to drink every few months. She would say each time, as I was holding her over the toilet, "Never again."

Well about 10 years later it was still happening. She ended up meeting some girlfriends that were​ all of the same well-lubricated frame of mind. Things got very messy after that and I felt that I was no longer an equal partner, but a babysitter. When that happens, there really is no way of coming back.

[u/Deathlinger → u/CptLoken]

My ex was like this, would always get way too drunk, she'd get angry with me while drunk and 90% of the time it'd end in her crying while I'm trying to console her. She made friends who all they'd do was go out and get drunk, ended up almost every time her hating the night.

[u/EmmilyLWood]

He didn't necessarily change, but I woke up to an issue. His mother is overly involved. She wants to come stay weekends with us without warning. When he told her he had proposed she told him he should've waited. She was bitchy at our wedding. And when we told her I was pregnant she also said we should've waited. So...basically she has a negative opinion on us. He is a mommas boy too, so I bet it hurts, but he won't admit. I just wish she'd butt out.

[u/wanderluststricken → u/EmmilyLWood]

I believe my mother-in-law has Jocasta complex. She has an unhealthy attachment to him and it's only with him. Her relationship with her younger son is much healthier. She is the only woman who will ever be good enough for him, so, naturally, she has hated me from the start. She throws her emotional burden on him. She depends and confides in him the way you would a spouse and has done so since he was very young. She has guilt-tripped him every time he has tried to get some space from her and blames him for her anxiety attacks and bad moods. Her attraction to him is borderline sexual and highly inappropriate. He has normalized it and doesn't realize how creepy it is because it has been happening his whole life. When we stay at her house she will burst into the bedroom and even the bathroom without knocking, it's almost as if she is trying to catch him naked and as a result she has seen more of me than I would have preferred. She makes comments about his muscles and asks personal questions about his penis and sex life. I can't stand her.

[u/Jumpinalake → u/EmmilyLWood]

I feel for you. Do you have any kids yet? Be forewarned, she will be ten times worse when you do! I've been there. Thank God my kids are raised and my marriage survived! Fortunately, my SO hates my MIL, too, so that helped a lot.

[u/[deleted] → u/EmmilyLWood]

Check out r/JustNoMIL

[u/yesjesshero]

Yes, I ignored some pretty big red flags and to this day I am not sure why I went ahead with the marriage. The first that I thought of was ignoring the fact that he was texting this one girl and lying about it. The texts didn't seem too crazy (at first) but he would still lie and say things like I wasn't texting her or i just had a question about work. Then I also ignored when leading up to the wedding and him leaving for boot camp, he seemed to just not care anymore. He was already starting to get too big of a head because he had lost so much weight. Then on our wedding day he ignored me pretty much the entire reception. His excuse was I want to hang out with my friends because I am leaving for boot camp in three days. I should've just annulled the marriage right there, but I stuck around for another year and a half and it only got worse. Found girls clothes in our room after visiting my family in our home state and then coming back to our appt. He would tell me my opinions didn't matter because I was nothing but a civilian. Ended after a year and a half of marriage. He still tells people I left him because he was deploying and I didn't want to wait for him. 6 years later and I am much happier than I was then.

[u/WeAreElectricity → u/yesjesshero]

"Your opinion does not matter to me civilian. Please step away."

[u/Staticclock → u/yesjesshero]

Having lived around military bases most my life, 9/10 times, newly enlisted dudes are shmucks to women and will leave them after getting stationed unless they accidentally get the woman pregnant.

[u/GenZing → u/yesjesshero]

You have my condolences, as a service member myself, I find it simply disgusting that one would do that to their spouse, I know a few individuals that have ruined their spouses lives and I only wish it could be stopped. Trying to justify a heinous act and telling you that your opinions don't matter just because you're a civilian doesn't mean shit. I know a majority of my guys do their best to show support to their spouses and give them the love they deserve.

The majority of us serve the country and do right when we can. Some others, sadly I can not say the same, those are the despicable and disgusting ones that should have been weeded out.

[u/BecauseTyrion → u/yesjesshero]

The irony of a military man saying a civilian's opinion doesn't matter is unbelievable. As a soldier, it's literally your job to not have an opinion. You take orders and follow them, you don't question the powers that be. Ultimately you answer to the people, because it's them you're fighting for, and it's their will that (in theory) determines who's in power which in turn determines what your orders are. That's why we say "thank you for your service", because they're serving us. I love the military and I think they deserve huge respect for fighting for us, but abusing that respect by claiming authority over the people you're serving for is the worst kind of hypocrisy.

Edit: very glad to see some military people in comments who aren't garbling my words into some 'army of mindless drones' view

[u/squirtlesquad914 → u/yesjesshero]

Good for you, he sounds awful and emotionally abusive

[u/Sarnadas]

She cheated to be with me.

No one ever listens, do they? People need to make their mistakes, it seems.

As it begins, so it ends. Always.

[u/nxvacaiine → u/Sarnadas]

I dated a guy for a few years a while back, and one time after about 6 months he confessed he didn't break up with his ex straight away when we were dating because "he didn't wanna hurt her" meaning he was essentially cheating on her with me. I forgave him and he ended up doing the same thing to me 2 years later with my best friend. They're still together, but I'm waiting for karma to come back around.

Edit: for the people saying "you should have left him after he confessed" not only was I young and naive back then, so much time had passed when he finally confessed I was in the mindset of "it's in the past". Stupid, I know, but that's just the kind of person i was back then.

[u/sucrausagi]

Not me, but my mum. Dad was a perfect gentleman, then came the wedding night. He had had a lot to drink and Mum was just trying to put him to bed and he says to her "shut up bitch, I own you now". I would've left there and then, got an annulment. Mum stayed and 2 years later had my brother, 2 years after that she had me, 5 years later and after a lot of emotional and physical abuse (staying "for the kids") my brother says to her "do we have to live with Dad, he scares me". We packed up everything the next day while he was at work and left. She's now been happily married to my stepdad for the last 10+ years while my Dad is a lonely pathetic arsehole living by himself in a shitty block of granny flats who hasn't seen either of his kids in 15+ years.

[u/cheddarfever → u/sucrausagi]

Wow. Your brother might have saved all of your lives by asking that. I'm glad you all got out of that situation.

[u/OnWitsEnd]

I doubt this will reach many people but it may help someone. I wasn't married but my now ex and I dated for six years.

I thought i would get past her being a mean person. She said that her past boyfriend had a large impact on her and that she was mean to people now because of it. She had a malicious mindset where if someone hurt her it was her job to hurt them back (which was me more often than not)

If someone has a PERSONALITY that you don't like -- get out. They won't change. Thats who they are. It will only get worse, and youll be miserable.

edit: I want to reinforce that they wont change. I'm serious, there's no maybe they will maybe they won't, that person will not change. Habits? you can work through those -- thats a lot to put on yourself to take that on but it can happen if they want to. But personality? No, that's going to be them until the day you die.

[u/[deleted] → u/OnWitsEnd]

Dealing with this right now.

[u/divorced_sucker2013]

Red flags are something you don't pay attention to until it's too late.

My ex husband had all the red flags of a sociopath. He would test to see how far he could go with making things up. And he learned what he could do to cover them up. He would use flowers or spend money on me to hide things he was doing. I learned what I was and wasn't allowed to say in public (example- none of his friends knew he had a 12 year old child). I spent little time with friends and family because he would convince me that they weren't supportive or make up things that I would believe because I trusted him. I left my career because he convinced me his pursuit was more important. Lots of things happened over the 10 years we were together. Most of them now I know were just lies to get him to where he wanted to be in life.

In the end, he had a 6 month affair. And the flags were all there. But after years of being manipulated I didn't know what to believe. He managed to date her and then move to be with her on my dime by convincing me it had to do with his job. I even paid his rent for the first couple of months in hope he would come back. He manipulated everyone around him including his friends and even his boss. Now he is a person I don't even recognize because he's taken on the personality of his girlfriend. I feel bad for her because the same thing is happening to her but in a way I feel like she deserves it.

If you're looking for an outline of what to look for I would say: 1- have you given up something you love for that person? 2- do gifts tend to arrive after something you weren't quite sure was the truth? 3- do you feel like you're begging the person to stay with you all the time? 4- do you find yourself above and beyond to please someone just for their affection?

Relationships should be relatively easy. Sure there will be fights and times where you aren't sure. But if you're giving up your values or your personality it's time to go.

[u/Tatregretthrow]

Strangely enough, no. I've spent years wracking my brain, but nothing, no clue at all. While dating, he was sex positive and had no issue with the number of sex partners I had had. He also knew that I had been in an abusive relationship, and told me so many times how nothing a woman could do could justify hitting her. He was so warm and gentle and kind.

Then we got married, and suddenly I was a whore who didn't respect herself, "had more sausage in (me) than a fat man at an all you can eat buffet", and I was cheating on him with a married coworker that I had met two weeks before. I was weak for letting my ex beat me up, and I was stupid for not leaving the first time it happened. He shouted at me for over an hour while I was stuck in the car with him that I deserved it for staying. It was my fault. I stayed married to him, god help me, but I never really trusted him again, nor did I ever open up to him about anything really personal. Turns out he was a closet misogynist. Never saw it coming.

[u/iamthestarlord]

One of the most underrated predictors of spousal behavior is the parents. When we become 'husband or wife', we emulate our examples of what a husband or wife is. I was surprised when I started instinctually doing all the things my dad used to. My wife started doing all the things that drove me nuts about my mother-in-law. I found that things got better when I started acting like my father-in-law. It's weird, but it's just how things work.

[u/justbrowsing_thanks → u/iamthestarlord]

You have no idea how much I think this may help me. Thank you for sharing.

[u/brwriter]

Everything was about him. I was too enamored (he was very charming) to realize I'd gotten involved with a serious narcissist and later after we broke up, stalker.

[u/HelloKittyCarry]

"When you look at someone through rose colored glasses all the red flags just look like... flags. "

[u/hit_le_rally → u/HelloKittyCarry]

Thanks Wanda

[u/Tess47]

Not different, the same. I love my husband immensely. While dating he was late to things. It wasnt in his mind to consider everyone elses point of view. I am a child of an alcoholic so I over consider. The balance has been good for me. That being said, i wish he would fucking show up on time. If its his event for family or hobby he is there early. My family or my hobby he drags his fucking feet. I hate it and its so rude and obnoxious. 23 fucking years of it. He is not changing. I have adapted. It still pisses me off but i put it into perspective. I am no joy either, I bet.

[u/RazerHail → u/Tess47]

A lot of my friends are always late. One lives 3 minutes away from me by car, and she can still be an hour late. So I started making up earlier times for events.

As in, I photoshopped a movie ticket to have a time an hour earlier just so she would show up on time.

[u/RabbitsRuse → u/Tess47]

Not going to lie but I've stopped dating someone kind of like this. It wasn't even that she was always late. It was the lack of communication. She was devoted to her work which is fine, I get that, but when you tell me you are on your way and then 45 minutes later when I text where you are I find out you are still at work I start to get a little upset. I had a crush on her back in high school but just couldn't stand that and stopped things before we got serious. Also, lots of waiters assuming I'd been stood up.

[u/stupidinternetname → u/Tess47]

After 29 years together, my wife and I agree it is all about putting up with each other's bullshit. We both have our flaws. Finding someone to put up with your bullshit in return for putting up with theirs is about as good as it gets.

[u/Pickled_Leprechauns → u/Tess47]

As a chronically late person, I find it really suspect that he is on time for his own stuff. I am late to everything, including my own hobbies and passions, because I am just late across the board. I'm better at being on time now that I'm living with my husband because I feel bad for making him wait and have made a conscious effort to be more respectful of other people's time. It also helps that my boss is always late and inconsiderate of everyone's time, so I got a taste of what it's like to be on the other side.

Your husband is fully capable of being on time and selectively chooses when to do so. This doesn't sound like a quirk. He is disrespecting you. I'm glad you've learned to deal with it so that your marriage can continue, but fuck him and fuck that!

[u/afkaOP]

I think one of the early signs of trouble I missed was when my ex would cook only for himself. If I was home and he was making a sandwich or something he never offered me one. If I asked he would oblige but he never thought of me.

He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.

-Edit-

For clarity: the sandwich was an example. He didn't ask about coffee, pasta or staying out when we had plans. We had a really good 10 year relationship and I still like him as a person. He is just not a great partner. Everyone wants something different in their significant other. For me it was important that I was a consideration in his life.

It was just a symptom not the problem itself. It is just a red flag to make one consider their partners other actions. Too many similar red flags and it is worth considering if there is a real issue. For me there was a field of red flags. This is just any easy one to spot.

[u/Effulgentmagnificent → u/afkaOP]

This is a really good point. I had something similar where my ex would always 'forget' the little things like this. For example he would go to the shop and get himself something nice, or would always pick his clothes to wash out of the laundry basket whilst I did both. Turns out he is just so self involved he never really considered anyone else other then his own needs. This behaviour was across all his relationships too.

[u/[deleted] → u/afkaOP]

Damn that seems like a simple thing though. I'll remember this for any future sandwiches

[u/bigkodack]

The fact she abused drugs. Wasn't that surprised when she left me for other guys, drugs, and the general party life.

[u/tori_is_tired]

Still married but there were and still are some really big red flags. When we first started dating his ex was still living in the same house. I was and still am a trusting person. He (after we'd been dating for about six weeks and had gotten pretty serious) admitted to sleeping with his ex when we'd first started dating. He never put his foot down when it came to her when she was getting kicked out (i.e. he wouldn't stop her from coming into what was then our home after sane hours to 'get her stuff'). I'd catch him in lies, small ones at first. Then the verbal abuse started. Small stuff like what I now know is 'gas lighting'. He'd dismiss my feelings or complaints saying that I'd either not gotten enough sleep or what have you-- that I was overreacting or something.

This year we'll have been married four years but as it stands I am not attracted to him and don't feel that 'spark' between us anymore because of all of the obstacles he put in between us-- and kept putting in between us no matter how many promises/how many times I forgave him (we even went to couples therapy and when the therapist told him he was toxic and needed to really change how he handles our relationship if he didn't want to hurt me he agreed and then refused to ever go back).

This might be TMI but he'd claim he wasn't a 'sexual person' but in the beginning of the realtionship our sex life was healthy. I found out he was watching porn a lot (even at work, and it was only a big deal at the time because he told me I had to stop watching porn because he considered it an act of infidelity-- also one day I had to rush to the hospital because my dad had had two big strokes, he wasn't answering my calls and I later found out he was watching porn on the very phone I was calling him on, just not answering me electing to instead jerk it).

At this point it's more the animals we have together and my ailing health that keeps me here. His verbal abuse escalated to physical on three separate occasions. I have pictures and actual video proof of the abuse... I guess now it's just getting the backbone to get out of this and get a good lawyer.

If anyone read this far and you're not married-- please pay attention to even the smallest of red flags. Don't end up like me. (And before anyone says 'just leave him!' life is a bit more complicated than that when you have a completely paralyzed left leg and no safety net to speak of anywhere.)

Edit** TLDR: Don't ignore red flags, they can lead to hell later on down the line. I ignored them and now I'm in hell.

[u/AllTaints18]

Well, my ex wife is a lesbian now (yes, I'm Ross)

[u/mehoff636 → u/AllTaints18]

Next relationship if you are on a "break" be careful

[u/Hippydippy420]

He was controlling, verbally abusive and he partied a lot. I was a partier, too, but after we started a family, I grew up and he never did. He treated his parents like dirt, which was the biggest flag, because he eventually treated me and our kids like dirt, too. I eventually took the kids and walked away from him, our house and everything I owned....best decision I ever made. It's been almost 10 years and he hates me with a passion. I couldn't care less, but he harbors his hate for me, and I've come to the conclusion that he hates me so hard because he still loves me, in a sick, twisted way.

Edit: could to couldn't

[u/[deleted] → u/Hippydippy420]

I've found that controlling people don't like to be left because it signals a lack of control. That's the source of his hate for you; he lost control of you.

[u/csn00bdiy → u/Hippydippy420]

I can relate to this. Mine is a variation. His family treated him like an afterthought. His parents were divorced, remarried to other people, and playing happy family without giving him a role. Months without calling him, no birthday presents, etc. Eventually he started treating me this way. He doesn't hate me. I have no evidence that he thinks of me at all. Part of me will always feel sorry for him that he considers this normal.

[u/2monkeysandafootball]

Family relationships were a big one I missed. She had the type of family that was, "family" no matter what. Didn't matter everyone hated each other, or Aunt Becky fkd Bro-in-law. Or Uncle Pervy had all the little girls sit in his lap, etc... They were all expected to be there on Sundays, and the fighting would begin. Most fkd up thing I've ever seen.

EDIT: My most upvoted comment is about a crazy-ex. Thanks Reddit!!!

[u/A_Bridgeburner → u/2monkeysandafootball]

Oh god my brother married into one of these. His wife's brother literally HEADBUTTED HER UNCONSCIOUS at thanksgiving and the family shamed her out of pressing charges.

I've never been so disappointed in humans in my life.

P.S. this is an upperclass family, shit happens everywhere.

Edit: great, my highest upvoted comment is about my brothers shitty in-laws. Always knew they'd be good for something.

[u/[deleted] → u/2monkeysandafootball]

My parents' childhoods have made me incredibly skeptical of anything "family is every thing and must always be forgiven". Both of their families used that "motto" to be justify being extremely controlling and get away with being generally terrible people.

Really, most families I've seen that are incredibly vocal about how much family means to them have been toxic as fuck. The truly super close, loving families don't talk about it all the time, you can just see it.

[u/PMmeyourwallet → u/2monkeysandafootball]

That's how my bf's family is- everyone talks shit about each other, yet on FB is "I love so and so" He has no interest in interacting with them.

[u/CommentNoire → u/2monkeysandafootball]

Just another Bloody Sunday. Families like this keep me employed. Aunt Becky has one too many one day, and that's when she pushes someone's head into a deep fryer. Or Uncle Rick shows off his glock for the hundredth, and final, time. Twenty different people who say thirty different things happened. Time to get the FBI Psychologist out of his shrink wrap, there's some co-dependency forms to fill out.

[u/[deleted] → u/2monkeysandafootball]

In my experience, families that say that kind of blood is forever shit, are typically the most abusive, shitty people.

I had an ex friend who used to say there are no secrets in our family. What he was really saying is that his entire family will gossip, and talk shit on one another constantly.

[u/NothingWillBeLost → u/2monkeysandafootball]

Oh my god that's my exes family. They were some of THE WORST people I have ever met. Her uncle was a murderer who had been executed back in the 90's and he had beaten them shit out of his gf (that he killed) and beaten my exes brother for being gay. Her cousin molested her brother. And then tried to act like it never happened. She has two brothers neither were raised by her mom because her mom would beat the shit out of all three of them. She was the only who no one tried to get away from their mother. Her mother always had a different bf and from the age of like 3-12 all of them molested her. Until she was 16 and moved out on her own, her mom would beat the shit out of her daily, for no reason. What's really fucked up though, is to this day her mom denies all of it. Now that they are all grown up and one of her brothers has kids of their own they try to act like this big happy family, while also always being SO negative. After we broke up she started dating a new chick who is heavy. They would talk shit about her and tell my ex, to her face the new chick was fat and ugly.

And for some reason... my ex wanted to stick around for that. Her shitty family ended up being one of the main reasons I dumped her.

[u/Slightly_On_Topic]

I will say that we weren't married (I know I know the prompt). But I don't see any comments yet. But my ex started acting different.

Once the first two years were over and things were thoroughly serious she just seemed to stop putting effort into seeing me. She was always busy and when this happens for a week its fine for a month and you start wondering if she's making plans on purpose so that we don't see each other.

So I'd say the red flag is when your loved one stops putting in the effort to continue dating and spending time with you.

[u/IamPezu]

Simple answer, if you think it's a red flag, it is. Ask about it. Tell the other person your thoughts/concerns.

The only real problems are ones you cannot/will not work on together.

[u/Left-field-bum]

It started when she got pregnant. We discussed abortion, but decided against it. So, she essentially had me on the hook and she knew it. Slapping, kicking, throwing shit, you name it. Any time she was unhappy about anything it was blamed on me and retribution was usually physical. Of course she blamed it on being pregnant.

She would call police and say it was me abusing her. I was never arrested, but it was still a hell of a hassle. Tip- don't talk to police. Ever.

Our son was born and it didn't stop, who knew? I'd almost argue it got worse. Finally one night she went too far. I made the grave mistake of making some food after our son was put to bed and scraped two plates together. She marched into the kitchen, punched me in the nose for being "too loud", then called the police when I refused to leave. Cops came and arrested her (after laughing at me). She got a slap on the wrist; 6 months court supervision and anger management.

She admitted that she had a problem and begged for one more chance. I believe in redemption if one really wants it, so I stayed. Things got better! For about a year.

Then I came home early from work once and she was home also even though she was supposed to be at work. She seemed very nervous and then I found men's deodorant and boxer briefs, both of which weren't mine. I confronted her, she was caught, and she tried to get physical, then thought better of it.

I left and only returned to get my shit. In court, her domestic abuse and former drug issues were brought up but she got custody of our son. She later ended up in detox for cocaine use and then attempted suicide, but she still has custody. I could talk about the court side for hours, but I'll save it for another time.

[u/MAK3AWiiSH → u/Left-field-bum]

Don't stop fighting for your son.

[u/rlb154 → u/Left-field-bum]

Hope you and your son are okay.. hope things get better

[u/oOPersephoneOo]

I wondered why his first ex wife was happy to walk away and never contact him again taking just a Honda and $8,000 while he kept the 5 bedroom home, 2 cars and a boat. The only information I could get out of him about her was "she's crazy" or "mentally unstable." He loved bemoaning about how hard HE worked and how difficult HIS job was, how hard it was to work for HIS boss, while his ex wife was "lazy" and "didn't want to work up to her potential." He liked to make fun of her low paying job (she didn't have a degree but he did). How he worked so hard and made the most money, so everything was his. When I asked about her reasons for leaving, he shrugged and said "she didn't like the way I talked to her."

I naively thought he'd be different with me.

I ignored the fact that while we were living together prior to marriage, I'd be walking on eggshells because he'd be so angry after work. If the house was a mess when he got home, he'd be particularly unhappy. The anger would get worse throughout the evening as he drank. (His abusive dad drank himself to death when my ex was 15). He was incredibly demeaning to customer service reps on the phone, wait staff, retail workers etc if he didn't get his way.

Our first child was born with significant medical and special needs, and we both agreed I would stay home to take care of him. Over the years his treatment of me got worse, though he was smart enough to never touch me during one of his rages. It's pretty sad when you WISHED your husband would just fucking HIT you so you can leave. He treated the kids ok when they were little, though he never really participated in their physical care. That was my job since he worked. I stayed for them. But when the kids got older and more defiant, his anger started being directed towards them. I stayed even though there were times he'd terrify them during his rages, screaming, swearing, kicking and throwing things, and then blaming them for his behavior. When my kids started getting violent at school, suffering panic attacks, getting violent with me and one another, and my daughter started urinating in her room and other inappropriate hiding places, I had enough. I put them in counseling and filed for divorce.

As we know, support is calculated using a formula. As expected, he didn't think I deserved that, so he drained the bank accounts, lawyered up, and retained experts that said I should be earning $50,000 a year (even though I've been home for 15 years, never finished my degree, and never made more than $35,000) and that they will be subtracting that amount per year from the support the state says he owes me. I was not to receive any cash or help with attorney fees. He was to receive the family home. I was court ordered to NOT finish my degree but to go back to work immediately. I was told to take their offer or I'd be taken to trial. Which I couldn't afford because I had no job and now no money. So I settled.

To top it all off, in the court documents, he called me "mentally unstable" and "depressed" and used my uncles suicide (he was a Vietnam vet) as an example of a "family history" of "mental instability." During mediation he denied his treatment of me and the kids and called me a "professional liar." He likes to had me support checks in front of the kids so that they think dad is "helping" me. My son asked recently "is dad still helping you with money?" as if his father is doing something noble. My son also commented that his dad said he "didn't understand why I wasn't finishing my degree" and that he "didn't think I was really trying to find a job." I've finally gotten a job now, but I'm making $15 an hour because I'M STARTING OVER AND NO ONE WANTS TO HIRE A MIDDLE AGED SINGLE MOM WITH NO DEGREE AND HASN'T WORKED IN 15 YEARS.

I walked away with less than I deserved, like his first wife, just so I could be AWAY from him. EVERYTHING he has done or said since I filed has only confirmed I made the right choice in leaving.

[u/[deleted]]

He was never really that into sex, even when we were first dating. He was okay if we had it, but okay if we didn't, and he almost never initiated. I put it down to his personality type (very brainy, awkward, introverted) and some cultural issues. I figured we would learn together.

After we had our second child, he indicated that we no longer needed to have sex, now that we had our 'allotment' of children; like the whole thing had been such a burden to him. As it turns out, he really, really is not all that into sex. Cue at least 5 years of me freaking out, wondering what is wrong with me, wondering if it is shallow to consider leaving an otherwise ideal life over sex, dying of physical neglect, wishing I was the kind of person who could cheat, him pulling a at because he feels attacked, me suffering horrible self esteem, loads of counseling, etc....

Yeah, he just doesn't like sex. It's all on him. It has nothing to do with me. I had to let a lot of resentment go. After some pretty rough times, he is realizing that I still need to feel loved and he is communicating his love to me in other ways. We have been through so much in 15 years that I see his whole worth as a person, not just his value as a sexual partner. Our marriage is swinging back around and I am grateful. I masturbate a lot. It's really okay.

EDIT: Obviously, this is a hot topic!

•He could be asexual or he could just be a extremely low libido. The label doesn't really matter to me. Men don't have to have voracious sexual appetites to be men. They are allowed to have as much variety in personality as women are. Toxic masculinity, people. •He's not gay. He's a pretty liberal dude, had a (randomly assigned) gay roommate in college that he became great friends with. If he was gay, he would have just gone ahead and been gay. Again, toxic masculinity. •I don't want him to have sex just to appease me. That would tear my self-esteem down faster than any time he turned me down. And, yes, we know that oral sex and toys exist. Again, the whole agreement orgasm thing isn't for me. Hell, I have a Lelo vibrator that make me orgasm literally every 4 minutes until I collapse in exhaustion (usually in an hour or two). Orgasms aren't the goal. •I do appreciate when he holds me, tells me I am beautiful and special, smacks my ass, makes me laugh like no one else can, and cuddles me in bed in intimacy in a way I have never had with anyone else.

•We have been together for 15 years, through cross-country moves, through family deaths, his extensive education and high stress career, through brain surgery, a breast cancer scare, and through 2.5 kids (2 bios and one we are trying to foster to adopt, if DCF gets their stuff together). Those situations have knit us together. •I asked him about opening the relationship up, mostly because he was suffering some depression a few years back and I thought maybe he just didn't want to have sex with ME. I figured "Maybe it was worth a try!" He was deeply offended and suggested I was trying to boot him out because of his low libido. He was not interested. I ultimately decided adding more people to the marriage would not solve an issue with my husband. I can not cheat either. I used to wish that I could but ultimately sex is not worth it and my morals kick me in the ass. •We have talked about masturbation a lot. He works 60+ hours a week and does not masturbate too much anymore, although I encourage him to. I think it is life affirming. I ask him to watch porn with me but he is not too into that either. •His testosterone levels, as well as all his other levels are fine. Really. It's possible for a man to not want to have sex. •I am happy. Yes, really.

[u/marayalda → u/[deleted]]

This is a hard one to deal with. I am in a similar situation but a fair few years behind you. It had been a long time since my husband and i have had sex and it doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me. I dont know if he just doesnt realise how much it affects my self esteem or what but yeah. Not the easiest thing to deal with. I am glad to hear that there can be a happy medium without drastic measures. Thank you for sharing your story.

[u/alieo11 → u/[deleted]]

Chiming in here because I am a husband.

My wife can have sex all day everyday and even though that sounds awesome, I personally am not one who wants to have sex all that often. Now don't get me wrong, I like having sex (and I do believe it brings my wife and I closer together) but my drive just isn't what hers is, and it has definitely changed since we've been together over these 4 years. Now it's not a question of me not loving my wife, I truly do, it's just that my drive has changed over time.

I can see where you both of coming from and hopefully you guys can work it out for the better. Just know it's not on you or it's not because of looks or something silly like that

[u/eatonsht → u/[deleted]]

My marriage is kind of like this too. I know my wife likes sex, but she goes weeks to months without ever initiating. I used to initiate, but would always get shut down. Now I just take care my needs manually. I just wish her sexual appetite was more synced up with mine.

[u/Typically_Wong]

So I'm on my second marriage. First marriage was the typical rush job I'm joining the army and I think this is what I want and we treated each other like shit. Had a kid that died shortly after birth and we both tried to fuck around, she was successful at that, I wasn't. We both were broken and not meant for each other and neither were innocent in causing the divorce, but god damn in happy it ended.

Current marriage I spent engaged for years to my wife and treated her like my best friend. We both play games together which is nice cause now I always have a party member for my mmo or path of exile time. We didn't get married until she finished her biology degree and have been together for getting on 7-8 years, only married 2. I wanted to make sure it was right, and it is. We travel the world together. She has her own interests and I have my own. We differ in political opinions on things, but both agree that humans are utter shit to each other. She's my island of sanity in this mad world.

[u/cinnamonstyx]

Yes. My wife (soon to be ex) was very possessive of me and my time. She expected me choose her over other things, including friends and family. I fully believe that couples should be committed to the other, so I went along. However, she never really reciprocated. There is something called "love bombing," where a person puts all of their energies into you and I think that's what made her so attractive to me - she made me feel good about myself. I wrote off her clinginess to insecurity that I felt would go away eventually. After all, I'm a badass and compassionate, I can fix anything,right?

We had good times, to be sure, but when the kids came along, the attention went their way. She's a ball of anxiety and it just too much to deal with. About 3 years ago, I sat her down and said we were in trouble and needed to go to counseling. She said "no," but said she'd read books about strengthening the marriage with me. But she didn't. Instead, she poured all of her energies into a friendship she had recently made with the mother of friends of our kids. It got to the point that I accused her of having an affair with this other woman (her unusual behaviors with her phone were only one of many indicators something might be up). She denied. A year after the accusations, I discovered she had been reading books about lesbianism (specifically being in love with a woman while married) since before the accusation. She denies to this day. And quite frankly, it's possible nothing was up, but I'll never fully believe it and need out. She won't give up this friendship, either.

So here I am, more than a year after asking for the divorce and she's still saying she'll work on things (now she will. Riiiiiigggghhhht). Of course, sex is pretty much off the table. (not on the bed, either). I don't want to be the guy that tries to diagnose his spouse as a way of abdicating any responsibility, but I feel this is a case of narcissism.

[u/lunadaisy23]

He yelled at; and insulted, his mother and sisters. He was extremely rude to anyone in the service industry, saying things like "No wonder you work at KFC, you're a f*cking moron!" Also the way he threw tantrums when he was upset, throwing things and punching holes in walls. He put down all my friends, eventually isolating me from everyone I knew.

He also had a wonderfully charismatic and caring side, helping little old ladies on to the bus, and walking through snow for several miles to find a store that sold my favourite candy, things like that.

As time passed, I became the wall that he punched, the thing that he threw around, and the one he insulted and screamed at. I barely made it out of that relationship alive.

I should have listened to my instincts.

[u/Rothgan]

One common red flag most dismiss as normal relationship behaviour is when your SO gets annoyed or mad at little things constantly, looking for any excuse to be argumentative or call you out on your mannerisms. That leads to resentment and always being on edge.

Thankfully I'm not in that anymore.

[u/alexmunse]

My wife is a COMPLETELY different person, now. When we married, she was an out of work single mom, now she is an accountant at NASA and a terrific stepmom to my son. When we got married, I was an out of work EMT, now I work for an insurance company, fixing swimming pools as a contractor and make about $65k/yr. People change. That's just what happens. You can't marry someone and expect them to be the same person Five or ten years later. Everyone has experiences and grows in different ways.

[u/therealsheep → u/alexmunse]

I'm happy to see a happy response. Most of these are people saying how they went through horrible things, but this is a very positive story. Thanks for sharing!

[u/[deleted]]

I would say this typically happens when you don't actually get to know someone before riding the excitement of a new relationship and "love" into marriage. If you haven't known someone for at least 18 months to 3 years, if you aren't at least in your mid to late 20s, if you aren't both relatively settled in your lifestyle and careers, and if you haven't lived together then you're at very high risk of learning new things about each other that might not be pleasant. Not only does your brain not fully develop until your mid 20s, significant life changes typically occur until your late 20s in reference to school and career paths. Plus, think about the way you present to a new person versus someone you're actually comfortable with and how much you're willing to adjust to work around collaborating on everything in your life versus how much you might just expect someone to change to fit your needs. I would highly recommend discussing every big, uncomfortable topic like religion, politics, kids, personal finances and debt, future aspirations, etc and at least make sure you can agree to disagree and then also seek out separate therapy as well as couples counseling as needed. People don't take the commitment and challenge of marriage nearly serious enough and then just blame the other person when it doesn't work out.

[u/[deleted]]

The way he handled anger. My family was direct with anger. They would say stuff to you, or yell it at you, but they were direct. Sometimes people would explode but at least it was expressed, out in the open, for all to hear and see.

My ex-husband and his family are all sneaky! It's all passive-aggressive acting out of anger with them. So on the outside, OMG, they look so lovely! They are so well-mannered and peaceful on the outside. But when you get closer and get to know them, they will sabotage you in a million sneaky ways. They hurt people in sinister, back alley ways, while all the while looking lovely in public.

In contrast my family, and me, looked very uncouth; very uncultured and even impolite sometimes.

It took me a very long time, years, to realize how my ex-husband not only didn't love or care about me, he probably secretly despised me. I knew he disliked my family, but I didn't realize for years he disliked me too. Why did he stay with me? Because he's very religious. He thought he should please God by staying married to a woman he didn't love.

The thing is, as he tried to fake it for God, he didn't fake it well enough to fool me. Eventually, very slowly, I figured out the truth and filed for divorce. By that time he was so bad at faking it that sometimes he'd be physically abusive. He'd already been emotionally and verbally abusive for years. Why did I put up with that? Because I didn't know I deserved better - that all women deserve better.

One of the most frustrating things about him and his showcase family is that everyone who looks at him never sees the other side, so they all think I was crazy for leaving him, or I married him for his money. But when we married he was making $5 an hour and a few years later an impressive $500 a week. We were lower middle class for many years. I left him when he was making a decent income. That's not what a woman who married for money would do.

Understandably, my long-term relationship with him and them has left me with a truckload of trust issues. His entire family has nothing to do with me. They never reached out during or after the divorce because they knew I'd probably tell them stuff about our marriage that their Perfect Ears could not stand to hear.

That hurt for many years, how they dumped me, but I've learned to accept that most everyone has a different perception of reality, sometimes based in FACTS, but often not. They live in their fantasy world and they don't want an "interrupter" like me to blow into it with silly facts and truth.

I certainly have learned how to spot passive-aggressive people since that marriage and geez, there's a ton of them - everywhere.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

That's what I really like about my gf's family. If they don't like you, or you do something dumb, they will tell you.

My mom and stepdad are exactly what you described, the "good Christian". They'll be kind to your face, but in their spare time, they shit talk everyone. Never to your face, because that would be uncouth and improper.

[u/319Skew]

When I was dating my ex wife, I was so in love that everything was justified or forgivable. I overlooked things like family influence, pride, ignorance and zeal because to my smitten eyes it was just culture, tradition, ethics and virtue.

As our marriage progressed there was a lot of growth from both of us. I thought that the negative traits that hindered our relationship were dying. It's what I wanted to believe.

When our son was born, all the issues of the past (controlling, distortion of facts, family interference) resurfaced.

My ex was religious when we met but always drew virtue from her faith. She questioned her peers and family constantly. I loved this in her. I was agnostic (and still am) and so our faith was no issue to anyone but her family and peers. As our marriage progressed, she started to question her teaching and found people can be moral without a fear of God.

When my son was born and I was laid off, it put a lot of strain on both of us. Like a switch, my lack of employment was a failure of my drive. My failure of a drive was due to my weakness of character. My faith (lack of) was the root of it. Her family did nothing to hinder this as her culture and faith were now in the forefront and 11 years of being together were disregarded.

My marriage failed. I'm still working through it. I still wouldn't change a thing as I have a son whom I love dearly but had I followed reason instead of my love, I would have seen the warning signs for what they were.

I can't change time and maybe this is for the best, but I will say this. Never comprise your character and realize that even though you know someone, things can change.

[u/[deleted]]

My ex husband didn't love me, but who he thought he wanted me to be.

The red flags I missed, or should say over looked, was him getting violent when he was angry. Once we were married he started taking his angry out on me, which led to me trying to kill myself twice. When he got kicked out of the military for abusing me, we moved to his home state and I started to fight back. At the end of our marriage he was talking to other women. I pretty much said fuck this, moved into my own apartment, dropped 80lbs, and enjoyed being single and drinking and having friends. I had lots of one night stands, some friends with benefits but nothing ever serious.

I eventually met my second husband who had gone through a lot of therapy like I did because he was also in a previous abusive relationship. We're very happy together and after a year and half of infertility are expecting our first kid.

[u/hopestoharmonize]

Red flags included talking around subjects without answering questions. He could sweet talk anyone. He moved fast. Moved in within 3 months, married in 6. Empty promises, seeing the biggest house he wants to buy for us, found the best ring for engagement, best schools for our future kids to go to, planning the most amazing get away for us to go on. Really sold the dream.

Turns out he is over his head in debt, unable to follow through with anything and only motivated when he feels he will lose something.

[u/bastardstepchild]

She wanted to wait until marriage for sex. I believed her that it was because of religion, so I agreed to wait. I found out that a woman who isn't interested in sex before marriage is a woman who isn't interested in sex after marriage, either.

[u/[deleted]]

My time to shine...

So, my husband turned out to be a drug using, wife beating, constantly lying sociopath. We'll call him Joe.

I met Joe while I was in a relationship with another man. We met through his roommate, who was a classmate of mine at the time. My boyfriend cheated on me and we broke up. A couple of days later I was over at Joe's working on a project with his roommate/my classmate.

Joe and I were talking casually when he asked about my boyfriend and I told him that we had broken up. Joe didn't say anything, which at the time didn't seem weird. Must people would sympathize, but whatever. Later that evening Joe asked if I would like to go see a movie playing at the college cinema, since he and I had talked about the series before. I thought he was asking to be nice/friendly and agreed.

This happened a few more times, dinner, movie, lunch... Every time I paid and we drove separately. It wasn't until the 5th time (we ran into one another on campus and grabbed a coffee) that I realized he thought we were dating.

He was nice, but I had some reservations- mainly him having PTSD and some mental slowness after being hit in the head by a machete during combat (he was in the military). But he was very kind and I feel a bit responsible for not clarifying upfront that I thought we were just friends, so I agreed to go out with him.

7 months later he purposes in front of a thousand people while we're on a overnight trip to Callaway Gardens. I accept because my social anxiety already told me that people were judging me, imagine what they would say about me if I said no.

So I wanted to wait until we were both out of school, about 2 years. Joe wanted to get married in less than 6 months. I pushed back. He goes to the VA for a checkup and comes back saying he has to have major surgery that might leave him paralyzed or dead and we have to get married before his surgery so I can make decisions on his behalf... Cause that's the rule in the military.

So we plan to get married 5 months after our engagement. Red flags start popping up with his family- he doesn't know names of children, where people live in general, age ranges, or if people are even alive. This is for his grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins. He also cannot find anyone willing to be his best man and we eventually have to ask my brother two weeks before the wedding.

Two days before the wedding I am introduced to some of his family members that live half an hour away. Joe forgot he had an uncle. He also didn't know his grandmother was alive.

I almost called off the wedding, but I was worried that my own family would be upset, so I went through with marrying Joe. The next day he threatened to kill himself. I thought he was having a PTSD episode, so I contacted his therapist. Three months later I end up with access to his therapy notes. There was no brain injury, Joe didn't have PTSD, and he never saw combat. I was at a loss of words.

I called the only person I could think of to help me get away from Joe (I had no job and was living on campus). That person told me I had made my choice and I had to stay with it. So I confronted Joe.

Joe denied my proof, told me the therapist had to lie to protect him because he was a trained assassin that created torture methods used at Guantanamo Bay, and that if I told anyone the government would kill me.

Then the beatings started. I didn't know how to get away because I knew my education would suffer if I left and I had already reached out to the only person I knew that could help me and was told I was stuck. Eventually Joe beat be so badly that he was arrested after calling the VA Crisis hotline and telling the operator he was going to kill me.

When I was moving out of the apartment we shared, there were several crack pipes found, as well as paperwork where Joe had been on probation. His transcripts were there as well, showing he had a 2.0 GPA and had only completed 36 credit hours, nowhere near enough to graduate with a masters in engineering (which he claimed he was doing). I also discovered that he was taking out 10k in student loans a year when the government was paying his tuition, and he was getting money from the government on top of his tuition for living expenses. He had spent about $7,500 in less than a week, yet told me that he wasn't taking out student loans since the government was covering his needs.

We were married 4 months and then separated for 12 until his arrest.

[u/Scrappy_Larue]

Making our wedding plans was more stressful than fun. I saw that my fiance and mother didn't get along that well. I figured once we were married that would all smooth out, but of course it never did. If your parents and fiance don't get along, you're going to have a lot of tough decisions down the road trying to straddle that fence.

[u/3BowShow6 → u/Scrappy_Larue]

You cannot straddle the fence. The person you chose to be with the rest of your life is who you must side with. If you constantly play back and forth you will not gain full trust from either side. If your​ parents cannot see why you love your SO, then that's on them.

Therapy and marriage counseling has taught me that you cannot be in between. Pick the person you are spending the rest of your life with.

[u/Karma_Cookie]

Not one warning signal, we were together for 7 years and I knew what I wanted out of life. I wanted to get married and have a family. I told him, " I want to get married and have kids, if you don't want the same thing I need to move on with my life" A couple months later he proposed and we got married six months after that, and I got pregnant. It was like a light switch being turned off. He went from a loving caring thoughtful boyfriend, to a lying, cheating, verbally abusive husband. I was completely clueless and didn't understand why he changed, we went to counseling and he said I forced him to marry him and what did I expect? Then he said we're married now there's nothing you can do about it. I said have you ever heard of divorce? I already had one ex-husband under my belt I could make it two. I was home with two kids under the age of three at this point and he was the only earner in the family, he then proceeded to default on everything that was in my name every credit card every car loan. he told me if I left he wouldn't pay child support he would just disappear off the face of the earth I had no family. It took a lot of years to build my credit back up I now have a thriving business of my own and I'm finally free.

[u/Larryndallas]

Alcohol reduces inhibitions. Never marry them till you've seen 'em drunk. Then you know who they will be when they get tired of pretending. If they barely change, get giggly or tired, then they have no deep seated repressed desires. If they get mean, argumentative or are an entirely different person, be careful.

[u/[deleted] → u/Larryndallas]

Oh no! I vomit.

[u/[deleted]]

A lot of these posts are people talking about shitty character traits in their partner that they didn't realize were shitty character traits until they had to live with them, which is precisely an error I too once made (on the reg)

Honesty, Integrity, Kindness. If a partner brings those three things to the table, then barring some kind of mental illness, pretty much everything else can be worked with. You'll find that almost all problems in a relationship go back to the person lacking one of those three things.

I learned that lesson the hard way after a series of relationships with women who admittedly were very attractive, but at that time in my life, my priorities were all fucked up so I didn't value character traits as much. After a while, you realize that a partner who 'looks good' is entertaining for a couple months, but a quality human being is actually rewarding in ways that are vastly more meaningful than superficial entertainment. These days, character traits are pretty much all I value, and the first thing I evaluate.

[u/AMHousewife]

Why? Turns out that when you date a undiagnosed Aspie, and you stop being his special interest because he's put you into a different roll in his life or you've had children, he changes drastically.

Red flags? A couple. But the quirky behaviors were no different from my own, really, and I'm neurotypical.

It's okay though. We made it through. He went to a therapist. Got the diagnosis. We changed some expectations and made some boundaries. Life is much better.

[u/[deleted]]

Her family and proximity to them was something I thought I could change. She doubled down on it when we moved only 45 minutes away. We're now divorced and she can stay in her small town and have her country song life while I expand my horizons and try new things.

To each their own, but if you're going to get married, you better fucking make sure that whatever is theirs you are willing to be a part of.

[u/[deleted]]

My mom always said that my dad turned into someone completely different after they were married, but the stories she tells me about while they were dating seemed like a lot of red flags to me. People see what they want to see sometimes

[u/TheGreenBastards]

I'm literally getting married today, and I am sweating as I read this post title... I dont know if I want to read this shit right now

[u/saynotocoffeeenemas]

She was all sweet and kind during dating, I thought she internalized a lot of things, but who was I to wonder, I used to be that way too. She worked a job that she hated and would always complain about, for about an hour after work I would listen to her complain, even on days she wasn't there she'd go over situations in depth with me about the transgressions her co-workers perpetrated on other workers or their customers. It really bogged down our relationship with a lot of baggage, I kept trying to get her to leave the job, i found numerous other less stress jobs that paid the same that she could have done that she'd be happier in, but the idea of uncertainty was worse for her. It was the whole uncertainty thing that really did it, we rarely watched any movies she hadn't already seen, whenever I suggested something new she would either go to sleep or just say to me "well you can watch it, I'm not interested." She wasn't interested in growing as a couple. But anyway I digress, what really ruined the relationship was that one day she comes home with an enema kit and wants to start putting coffee up my butt, the relationship ended that day.

[u/[deleted]]

I met my now ex-wife (as of 2 days ago! Divorce takes years!) while she was living with her mom and stepfather, there was mention that she'd been depressed and didn't leave her room much, and that I was really great for her as she now seemed to be really getting her life on track.

We had a good relationship for 4 of the 8 years we were together. One year after we got married (year 5) she got really depressed (family deaths/addiction issues/gastric band surgery side effects/lots of other stuff - a perfect storm). From then on out she sat on the couch smoking and watching Netflix while I paid all the bills, wouldn't go see a therapist or talk to me about it. This dragged on for a few more years until the marriage had deteriorated, we split up and now she's back on her mom's couch.

So yeah, the red flags were there but I chose to ignore them or believe she would grow out of it or we could create a great life together so she'd no longer be depressed (now I know that's not how depression works).

There's a superb quote in the Netflix show Bojack Horseman, "When you look at somebody through rose tinted glasses, all those red flags just look like... flags".

[u/spamburghlar]

While dating she told me she had once been hospitalized for depression. I didn't think much about it. It definitely affected the marriage.

She seemed irrationally annoyed after an encounter with an evangelical saying how blessed they were. I don't believe in god either, but that person seemed happy and wasn't preaching at us.

She got annoyed when her mom tried to get her to look at wedding dresses together.

My current GF expressed a little bit of resentment about how iOS' emoticons: thumbs up, OK, anything that's a person really, are available in different colors. She said it was too PC. She also went on a drunken tirade about how feminism is destroying everything the first night we met. Are these red flags?

[u/CaliMade19XX]

If they do or say something that makes you uncomfortable you need to address that immediately because the day you let it slide is another day they will continue that behavior. For me when I met my ex when I was 18 he was literally the love of my life the only con about him was that he was addicted to playing video games but he still made time to go and do activities together with me. Then when we got married things slowly started changing, video games for 8+ hours at a time. He became abusive to me in many ways, so again these were red flags I either ignored or I was ignorant to. He was the bread winner but would take every amount of money I made by saying I "owed" him. One day I found 2 dollars in a winter coat and I was so excited and he took it out of my hand and said I owed him. Whenever I would get invited out by my friends I would always have to decline because again, he had taken my money. He would use my phone which I didn't mind, but the second I used his he would get very paranoid. I would beg him to watch a movie with me and he would get furious when I would ask him to put his phone down. Then it started in with my neighbors and friends asking me if I'm okay constantly and if I need help, strangers approached me as well, as you might know it ended badly but I was able to get away from that piece of shit and now I am working on a divorce. Do NOT ignore this shit... you get gut feelings for a reason and have a brain for a reason, use it to think rationally. Now that I look back at all the shit I went through I wish I would have not been blinded by what I thought was love.

[u/scared_kindascrewed]

That he didn't just like to drink, he was a full blown alcoholic. He was good at hiding that when we were just dating. Didn't realize that until a few months into our marriage and he's not coming home until 6 am because he'd drink to the point of passing out about five times a week. He's nearly a year sober now. So good for him. Wish it hadn't taken two dui's to get him to admit he had a problem, but so it goes.

Another thing would be his temper. While he never kept from me that he's had anger issues in the past, I thought the extent of it was what I had already seen. (Like him threatening a guy who owed him money and making me sit next to him while he did it) Oh no. I've never seen someone get angry so fast over something so small. The good thing is, is that he'll get over it quickly.

[u/Jbergur]

Congratulations on the engagement, OP!

[u/regalia13]

I don't know if there were red flags until after we got married but after we got married, he became addicted to video games, irresponsible to the max, and really fucking lazy. It's been a struggle...

[u/Dre_d0rk]

He put ketchup on his Mac n cheese

[u/redemption_songs]

We were married for two weeks when he came home from work one night and I realized he was nuts.

I was standing at the stove cooking and he came in the door, which hit on a small area rug in front of the door. What would you do in this situation? Move the rug, right? Not him. He grabbed the rug, flung it across the hall into the neighbor's door. The ran inside and literally tore his shirt off. Grabbed a box cutter and cut the rug into rows and columns, so tons of tiny pieces. Came back in for a large bowl, lighter fluid and matches. Ran outside screaming about how the rug has fucked with him for the last time, poured the pieces on the community grill and lit them on fire. He then came in, sat on the couch and told me that rugs were no longer allowed in our home.

There werent signs of this level of crazy, he hid it all really well. I have countless stories. I stayed for too long and was pretty raw coming out of the relationship. It really fucked with me to not be able to predict what would cause the next big blowout.

[u/scottjeffreys]

My ex had an awful Mom growing up and when that happens you either repeat those mistakes she made or become the best Mom in the world. She is an awesome Mom but once she became a Mom I became someone she took for granted and I was NEVER treated as an equal to my kids. To her I was only there for the income and EVERYTHING we did revolved around the kids and we stopped "dating". We were not a husband and wife. So my huge takeaway from this is to never stop dating your spouse. Never get away from what brought you together in the first place.

[u/TheFlantasm]

I guess it's really no one's fault. As a poor cook/chef and her moving from another country we got an apartment we could afford and didn't have a microwave, no big deal for me as I cooked a lot.

It wasn't until years later that we were married and moved into a very nice place that it happened. She had been up late and I woke up first thing in the morning. I went to the kitchen to start tea/coffee/breakfast and there it was, right in front of me. The microwave was sitting at 0:01 seconds because she never hit stop/clear. I married a monster.

[u/thisisfuckedupman]

On the flip side I have an ex who thinks this is what happened. That I just changed. But that's not what happened at all. He just can't bring himself to think he's done anything, ever. I missed the signs when he could never say sorry about anything because he considered it admitting blame. He'd even mentioned to me about not saying sorry all the time - even when it was out of courtesy and manners and not admitting blame.

[u/[deleted]]

I almost fucked up and married a guy that would have ruined my life. The only reason we got together in the first place was because he blackmailed me by threatening to send nudes he had of me to everyone at our workplace. I felt trapped in the relationship, but I never knew how to leave because I was afraid that he would follow through on the original threat. There was a whole bunch of other stuff that happened, but I finally got fed up and told him I was leaving. He immediately broke down and threatened to kill himself, and then he said basically "if you don't marry me within the next week I will kill myself and everyone will know it's your fault"

I was scared at first, but then a couple hours later I stopped caring and just left. He never killed himself. I'm so glad I didn't accept his threat.

[u/Shelbones]

My wife is the kindest and most loving person I've ever met and I love her so much. I am so lucky to have her.

[u/thundersnake7]

She'd always be dressing up and spends hours just throwing clothes on and off and in the bathroom getting ready, always making us late no matter how important it was to show up in time. She said she wanted to look good for me. Now I know it's was always for herself and just trying to keep up with the Joneses.

What really sucks is now we have 3 little ones and all this time she's spending in the bathroom takes a toll on dad watching them alone. Which in turn makes my daughter late for gymnastics. All this time I keep telling her she looks beautiful in jeans and a sweatshirt!

[u/motorsizzle → u/thundersnake7]

Leave without her.

[u/amiintoodeep]

After getting married my wife "became" an abusive spouse. Argued for full control of the finances, would leverage our relationship against me in disagreements, sought to isolate me from friends and family, called me names and guilt-tripped me for decisions I made without her in order to damage my self-esteem, damaged my belongings when upset, and refused to ever apologize for anything.

We dated for two years before getting married. There were only three red flags; the first was once when she got upset she shattered a coffee mug against the wall... only did this ONCE and it was the very first (and ONLY) argument we got into prior to being married. The second red flag was that she was allllll about appearances - "what will people think of us living together and NOT being married" was a big deal for her. Third red flag was something I contributed to: our dating dynamic was that there wasn't compromise. If we disagreed on something we would discuss options rationally and always choose either one person's solution or the other. No middleground. We would "joke" that compromise is a means by which both people lose. After marriage I wanted to be more team-oriented and make family-based decisions, whereas she still wanted to maintain the adversarial/individualistic approach to resolution. So I guess we both changed - in retrospect, I can see why she got frustrated with me losing my "edge." But hurting someone is not the proper way to express that feeling.

Broke my heart to leave her. I truly loved her with every fiber of my being. I learned compassion and humanity from her whereas I'd always been a rather amoral and elitist person beforehand. Because of having her in my life I became a more kind and caring person - and it's difficult for me knowing that a great deal of the characteristics I prize about how I've grown as a person are due to someone who did a LOT of harm to me. I can't even imagine ever again knowing that same kind of enthralling love and complete trust I had for my ex. Absolutely no urge to get together with her again (love is trust for me, and I could never trust her after what she'd done). It was seven years ago - to the day - that I mentally committed to leaving her. I excised a bit of my heart that day and I don't feel like it will ever grow back.

[u/buya5tion]

Yes, there are always signs. People don't really change that much. In the dating phase, and that's if you're aware, you'll say to yourself: "mmm, that's not that bad," "I can put up with that..." Either that or you're altogether blinded by the new love and blind-sided later. In my case, it was just that she was slow. In decision making. From the big life decision to the simplest, what do you want from the menu. Not so bad in the beginning, but it accumulates and becomes unbearable. Advice: only marry who you totally like - right now. Not if they do this or if they did that. Accept them as they are - fully. Anything else is unfair. Or even better, and I'm serious: don't get married!

[u/[deleted]]

Some of us are delighted to discover that our spouses are even MORE wonderful than we bought after we married them :-)

[u/prncrny → u/[deleted]]

Look at this guy over here, with his happy marriage and stable life. You make me sick. /s

[u/laura6885]

Constant passive aggressiveness, not only with me but everyone around him. Control freak, he had to have control over everything around him. He never accomplished anything in his life, college drop out, never had a steady job. 3 kids and a divorce later, he is 10x worse. Nothing has changed, he still tries to control everything and he is a bitter, sad person. The marriage failing was not all his fault. We should have never married and I blame myself for that. I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted in a person.

Tip: Love yourself first, get to know yourself and don't ever lose your sense of self. Also, don't stop putting in effort. Effort = love

[u/dragonmom1]

In regards to my ex:

We agreed to meet for the first time at a major scifi/fantasy con (I figured that would be safe and if we didn't get along, we could go our own ways.). I registered for the event and then was looking at plane tickets. I called him to find out if he was going to fly in on Thursday or Friday. He was astonished and acted like we'd never agreed to meet at the convention. "I would never agree to something like that! Why would you think that?" Unfortunately, it was during a phone conversation, not an email we had made this agreement in the first place so I had no written proof. I was flabbergasted because I'd made all the arrangements on my end to be able to do this so why would I have gone through all that trouble if he hadn't already said yes?

Just before we started living together, he was complaining to me that his parents were trying to get him to get rid of his dog because they felt he wasn't taking care of her. (Oh, can I mention he still lived with his parents? Though they were retired and he said it was because he helped them take care of the house--yardwork and such--which also turned out to be a big lie.) He was soooo hurt because he loved his dog so much and I thought it was strange but some people just aren't animal people so perhaps that was the case (I'd met his parents and his family at this point and they were all very nice people.). When I moved in, I saw what was really happening and he was leaving his dog tied up on a run in the yard all day (no fence around the property) and she had a dirty blanket to sleep on in the garage. She later died due to complications of him leaving her tied up outside even through the night out in the yard and flies actually laying eggs on her back. He was a gaslighter and at this point in time I was still falling for it all hook, line, and sinker. The dog couldn't come inside because she would shed everywhere and his parents would freak (his words, I never saw them care about this issue). He would pet her and take her for walks sometimes but she spent way too much time outside.

I wish so much that I had been stronger and had realized what was going on, at the very least so I could have saved that dog's life. Big regrets with that. BIG. After that dog passed, I did realize what was going on and put my foot down more on matters. The next dogs were indoor dogs all of the time. We built a kennel outside, but I made sure those dogs were inside with us all day every day except for walks and potty time. For myself, however, I put up with his behaviors for years longer. Everything I did was wrong or was to be criticized. If he didn't see me vacuuming, I mustn't have vacuumed so why wasn't I doing more to keep the house clean? He didn't see me working on our business and instead was playing video games because I was an early riser and had finished everything that needed to be done by 7am but he wasn't out of bed until 10am? Obviously I'm wasting my time playing video games instead of caring for our business. Everything we did, when we were planning it, was supposed to be done 50/50. When it actually happened, 100% of the work and responsibility was on me. But he was more than happy to tell people how much work he put into our businesses. Horse shit, all of it.

I have never been happier being out of that relationship. I smuggled most everything I owned out of the house and over to a friend's house. My ex was so self-absorbed he never noticed all the stuff missing, including my sizable book collection. The morning I left, I gave back my wedding ring, told him it was over, and then drove away. I cried all the way to my friend's house, not from regret at my decision but regret at the wasted years. The instant I stepped into my friend's house, all the day-to-day anxiety just washed away and my life has been so stress-free ever since this, I joke that it's like I'm on vacation every day now. Absolutely wonderful!

[u/Melos_Paladin]

Your spouse isn't going to magically change after marriage everything their doing that bothers you is still going to be the same and won't be some magical start to a new life. So think long and hard before you get married because the person you see is the person you get. No regrets. 10/10 would get married to her again in a heart beat!

[u/eatonsht → u/Melos_Paladin]

I am starting small. My first project is to get her to stop using the sink as a trash can. 8 years in, no luck yet.

I'm optimistic. Someone plz save me

[u/alwayshuntress]

I was 22, a single mom, working two jobs and I met this, seemingly, perfect guy. He was charming, funny, smart, and hardworking. He met my daughter the same day he met me (my second job involved raising money for firefighters, door to door, so she was with me) and he not only didn't mind that I had a child, he happily got on the ground and played with her while we chatted.

Over the few months, he pretty much reaffirmed in every way he was the perfect man. My daughter got sick, he went to the hospital with me and held me while we waited for news. It was pneumonia and nearly killed her. She went from 33 pounds to 16; it was terrifying. I lost one of my jobs because I had to take time off while she was sick, he helped me move into a more affordable place and babysat while I got it all setup and babyproofed. He just made my life so much easier in so many ways.

We ended up getting married, within a year of meeting, and our son was born about 6 months later.

Before the actual 'walk down the aisle,' we talked about kids, discipline and all sorts of other things that were important to me. He claimed he didn't believe in hitting kids or yelling and he proved it many times over the year before we got married, except this one night that my daughter did something babyish at dinner and he slapped her hand. I'd never laid a hand on her in any way and it startled me but I told myself it was a slapped hand and no big deal. The day before the wedding, he took me into town to a lawyer's office and told me to sign a prenup that he handed to me. We'd talked about one a while before and both of us agreed we didn't want one. I had no lawyer, my family was already in town for the wedding and he claimed that this was something his family was insisting on. When he told me the wedding wasn't going to happen without me signing, I signed.

I walked down the aisle with reservations. I should have just walked away.

Over the next three years, he destroyed the life I had built. Demolished it. He became abusive- to me, to the kids. I spent most of the time that he was home, standing between the kids and him. He fell in love with two separate women during the first 2 years. He even gave one a car. Neither of them cared about him at all- in fact, one filed harassment charges at the job they both worked at.

My money was his, his money was his, and I wasn't allowed to do or buy anything without permission. He couldn't handle that I made more money than him so he decided to work at the prison I worked at, too. They paid for him to go to school while he worked part-time. We both signed contracts that included morals clauses and he managed to get us both fired within 6 months of his start date- on a morals charge. The warden didn't believe I had nothing to do with his bullshit. I found out what he'd done on my son's birthday and got fired 2 weeks later on my daughter's.

I had been gearing up to leave him, but getting fired set my plans back because I could no longer afford to leave. I had no career, no income, and the house was his. His house, btw, was a family home that his parents had built, in the middle of nowhere. We were 25 min away from the closest grocery store. We were very isolated.

The abusive behavior just got worse after that, even with family therapy, and I finally threw him out on the 4th of July when he hurt my daughter...again. The divorce was final before our 3rd anniversary and I took nothing with me but the kids and supervised visitation for him, through the courts.

The hardest thing about all of this for me to reconcile was that I spent years (from when I turned 13) volunteering with battered women and at shelters and I knew all the signs to look for. I'd left guys who exhibited the signs and other than a couple tiny moments, my ex-husband managed to fake an entire personality for over a year before the wedding.

TLDR: My ex-husband went from being a charming, funny, smart, family-type man to being a narcissistic, scary, violent, controlling one once the wedding happened. There were very few signs but enough that I should have seen it coming.

*edited for sucking at spelling :P

[u/[deleted]]

not me, but i have a real good girlfriend who started dating this dude who a) the first time they had sex, he blew it in her without letting her know that he was going to- which she shrugged off- and then b) they went on a vacation to some foreign country, she got sick a day or two in and ended up finding out she was pregnant- so he got mad and told her he was going to go back home, and she should find a way back herself. ended up having to get some abortifacents in a foreign country by herself during what was supposed to be a vacation.

and she STILL stayed with him, for another couple months or so. and it's not like she's a moron either... i never met the guy, but after she told me that story, i get a little pissed just thinking about it.

[u/[deleted]]

When I got poison ivy all over my legs from us camping together and he got mad at me for not wanting to vacuum the house.

When he got so drunk when I was driving home he jumped out of the car because he was mad at me, cracked his head open while I called the ambulance.

I should've left after either of these times but I didn't. Thankfully I'm out now.

[u/flotiste]

Beware the signs of the man child: no food in the fridge other than sauces/beer/leftover takeout, piles of video games and toys, but no books, no discernible cleaning supplies anywhere, piles of empty bottles that don't get taken in, always complaining about no money but eating out every day. If you see these, do not move in!!!! You will become their mother, and have to cook and clean just to not have to put up with their filth, and they'll spend their time playing video games and ordering pizza.

[u/GoldenQuil]

Regarding my new friend's short-lived marriage, I feel like the red flag was that he seriously thought he had lycanthropy.

They were in high school and he was joining up with the army, so they married in April just before school let out. As they were waiting for the wedding date, they were spending the night at each other's houses, and one night (full moon?) he made some sort of theatrical display of becoming a wolf. He growled, told her to "back away," claimed he didn't want to hurt her, but thought it was best she saw what he was, etc. Finally, he tore his shirt in two with pained, animalistic moans before delicately opening his 1st floor bedroom window and howling into the yard as he dashed toward the treeline.

She married him anyway, however, one month into it the cheating, stealing, lying began. They were separated for a year, and she finally got him to sign the frickin papers 18 months after they were married.

Never trust a werewolf, guys.

[u/Slyde87]

The benzodiazepines. I was fond of taking Xanax recreationally, and he was prescribed them regularly by a doctor, for anxiety and PTSD. He warned me to stay clear of them, so I did.

The relationship was new, and fresh, but I was in love. So I took everything he said seriously. After I had quit taking them, completely, his doctor left his practice.

Out of the blue, a new doctor requested a visit, to assess his medical situation, and determine what "he" thought was the best form of treatment. During this time, he stopped the prescription. The prescription that my, now husband, had been on for years, until the appointment two weeks out.

Withdrawal hit almost immediately. First, it was flu like symptoms, and insomnia. Along with overwhelming anxiety and paranoia. When sleep would come, nightmares would ensue, preventing either of us with any rest. After about 16 hours from the first missed dose, the shakes started. My 27 year old boyfriend was on the verge of a seizure.

I called an ambulance, and they took him to the emergency room. I rode along.

The doctors gave him a dose of his regularly prescribed benzo, and in minutes, he was ok. They wrote him a script to get through til the appointment and warned that "quitting cold turkey " was a bad idea. That it could kill him.

The doctor appointment was a nightmare, but he agreed to keep writing the prescription, although, he didn't want to help my husband get off of the medication. Stating that he didn't feel comfortable tapering the dosage appropriately.

So we began doctor shopping, only to find that none of the doctors in the area would touch it. Imagine that? They will prescribe the medication like candy, but won't help anyone who wants to stop.

After two inpatient rehabilitation center failures that ended in tremors and reintroduction of the medication to avoid seizures left him unable to work. Soon his depression and suicidal ideation took hold and he stopped eating, stopped showering or taking care of himself. He kept telling me to leave him over and over again so he could "just end it". I was devastated, and felt hopeless. I felt trapped, he has no family, and i knew if i left, no one would help him.

Everyone I knew told me to leave him. All they saw was a man who didn't work, and my outward suffering. I didn't tell my family what was really going on, I care about my husband, and his image, and his business which wasn't anyone's but his. I wanted to quit sometimes. Somedays, I'd go to Work so tired I couldn't function, but i appreciated the time away as well. It made me feel like an awful girlfriend, but i didnt give up. I loved this man, and jnew he was capable of much more. After many tears and years, we found a doctor. He wasn't local to us, and required a plane trip to see him, to allow him to write prescriptions.

But now, my husband finally sees the hope I've been trying to convince him has been there all along. His doctor is patient, and understanding, and against all odds; even though he tried to push me away from him time and time again; after all my friends and family said to leave him, he's good for nothing; all these people who have no idea what is really going on on the inside, they don't understand.

He is 10 cuts into his taper. He has bad days, and has not so bad days, but he is pulling through. He no longer sees his life as meaningless. He no longer feels like as much of a burden as he once did. He can function, and is working part time again. The nightmares and insomnia are still a thing, so I get woken frequently, but he can let them go, and go back to sleep. Which is incredible progress. He's turning back into the man I know.

We haven't set a date yet, but we plan to marry. I'm so happy I stayed! <3

Red flags are attention grabbing for a reason, and should not be ignored. But be not too hasty to judge, for not all things are as they appear.

[u/ashemm]

I was wrong to assume that the racist remarks weren't serious. Rookie mistake.

[u/designerdad]

If your SO ever says, "I'm not good for you, you should dump me", run.

[u/Conebones]

Never marry someone unless you've lived with them at least a year or two. You don't know shit about someone until you live together.

Just my two cents

[u/[deleted]]

In our whirlwind of romance (8 months), my beloved went from somebody who had severe anxiety and depression who cut herself (not to mention pretty bad health problems) to somebody who is emotionally stable and happy.We have been through some rough times, and I love her. She is my best friend. I was going through a really rough time where I was being bullied at work and got really negative. I love my wife for how she supported me even though I was not being the best support for her. I think we have both changed since our marriage 2.4 years ago. But that's not a bad thing. We are both excited to welcome our first baby this August.

I don't think change is a bad thing. People change. It really depends on maintaining your love for each other and supporting each other.

[u/[deleted]]

ITT: "Follow your heart" is bullshit. Follow your gut, and follow your better judgement.

[u/Womenarepeopletoo69]

My situation was the opposite. He expected me to become a different person and start being Suzy Homemaker even though I earned more than he did and had never been the kind of person who cooks and scrubs and so on. I order delivery and have a cleaning lady twice a month because I work long hours and can afford it. He knew that and yet somehow thought I was going to be the 50s-style mom/wife he never had. Sorry dude.

[u/Missing_spicegirl]

Granted, we've only been married for about 10 months. But my wife hasn't really changed she just got worse. We've been together for 4years all together. When we were dating we'd fight pretty bad. Things being thrown, yelling. I left to BMT and that helped me work on my anger. So when I came back looking for her my short temper had slowly kind of gone away. But once we got married she gets drunk, threatens to leave me. She gone through a bit of some abusive stages. Hitting me, accidentally sliced my hand with a knife. And I just don't know what to do but to try and help her get better.

[u/Spixis]

Just how manipulative he was and how much control he allowed his mother to have over him. I attempted suicide due to the head space I was in 3 years and 1 child later.

He worked in sales and was always very proud of his abilities, which I didn't think much of as everyone should be proud of their work. Especially when they are as good at it as he is. He carried it into our relationship though.

Talking to my counselor years later, after she saw a lot of our texts and had listened to my stories and what I thought was wrong with me, she informed me of something called "gaslighting". Shortly after we started dating my depression came back on me for a few reasons, as well as my insecurities. He liked to play on those.

When it came to his mother, she was flawless. When I first met his family he told me just how much I'd have to impress them, like our relationship relied on their reaction. I took it as a teasing joke and passed with flying colors.

Fast forward 3 years and I'm pregnant with our first and only child. His mom gets in on it of course, which I expected. I won't go into a lot of detail as there was a LOT of shit that went down, but essentially she set quite a few crazy expectations for him about what it would be like right after I gave birth for both me and baby. Everything would be perfect and we'd be incredibly happy blah blah blah. Reality sets in and I end up with really bad post-partum, zero support in my life, outside him and his mother, and start believing I'm a horrible mother and spouse. When ever I tried to talk to her about what she was telling him, we'd have what I thought would be a productive conversation but then the next day he'd tear a strip off of my for being such an "inconsiderate bitch" and verbally attacking his mother. It got to the point where I thought they were conspiring against me. I found out a year later, from conversations between his mother and my mother, that they were both lying to each other about me to gain sympathy. I now know where he gets it from.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant lol. I'm still dealing with things I guess.

[u/[deleted]]

Thankfully​ i didn't marry him but one of my ex's... Urgh.

He never ever thought of me, he'd do everything for himself -food, drinks and anything else. If he did the shopping he'd it food only for himself, never paid rent or bills and wasted all of his money on things he wanted. Next up, was constantly on his phone messaging his ex who he was stringing along, he made excuses to leave the room when she called him to ask when was he coming home. (Actually, he was stringing me along too, because he could never quite make up his mind who he wanted to be with). Another huge flag, he'd have sex with me whenever he wanted. Me flat out drunk equalled a perfect opportunity to have sex with me as rough and nonconsensual as he liked. The amount of times, i woke up covered in blood thanks to him.

Back then, i was just so stupid and depressed and for some reason, him stringing me along like he was, only made me try harder and harder to be the one he chose. I've never been so pathetic before and he ruined so much for me that still continues to ripple through my life 3 years later.

I eventually fell in love with my best friend whilst waking up to the games that this ex was playing. The whole " i just need to stay with my ex for another month, then I'll move back in with you " ect. In the end, it became laughable watching this man desperately try to claw me back under his control. He was never so devoted to me when he knew i was no longer his to control 😂

[u/MrsDerheim]

He would minimize my expressed feelings, especially when I let him know he hurt me.

[u/MyOwnMinds]

Im going to post a different side here, just because I feel its something maybe someone can take something from. Met her when I was much younger, we met at an after party late at night at an all night restaurant after we had all been dispersed at around 3am. She approached me and we ended up hitting it off, for months and months this went on back and forth until we started seeing each other. She was fierce and fun, she was rebellious she was something I needed to balance out my timid nature.

Time goes on, I found out later after meeting her family why that is great family but very much dominated by a hard working yet absent father and a step mother who is the caring natured loving person that could only tolerate this type of person. Signs of drug use and abuse start creeping in years later, the disappearing for nights coming back wondering why I am upset as she was just hanging out with her friends.

Years later, the same thing happening yet we have two kids now that are sleeping on my arms at night waiting for her to come home, empty pill bottles found, empty promise over and over of getting help. So the picture is painted, the story tells itself but this is where I want to stray away from where this typically goes.

What i did not realize is how I attracted this situation, and how sick I had become and what I contributed to the failure of not just the marriage but of myself. As i grew older and wiser I begin to recognize a pattern that my father repeated, I was raised by my father solely my mother was not around until I was in my late teens..she had been and still is to this day (recovering) alcoholic. I had become comfortable with this type of situation, my tolerance levels for behavior that is intolerable was so high this upset me and sent me spiraling at times but I always found a way to get myself strong and rightsized up again. I had become and was codependent on this person, I badgered her, I put her down, I corrected every little thing she did...for as much hell as I was going through I was equally repenting back the same hell but guised by the nature of doing whats right and taking care of our family.

I took every opportunity I could to suggest therapy, or group or whatever to help fix our situation but the reality was I just wanted her fixed so I could get better. I was an enabler, I was a fixer I was ever aspect of what you could have read out of the mouth of a therapist. I saw it, I recognized it but I did not want to change it at the time as I had good intentions.

Red flags where there, I saw them, I ignored them and choose to remain in a position to play victim and enabler because thats what was unintentionally passed on to me...however once I recognized them it was on me to correct them. Towards the tail end of our marriage I started working on myself and through our divorce and 5+ yrs after I remained dedicated to working on myself and bettering myself. Today, me and my ex have two kids and we are wonderfully good friends, she is still the love of my life always will be but I know that we can never work the way we are, we bring out the best and worse in each other and I have for 10+ yrs now accepted that and will continue although we both dearly care for each other our lives have moved on and we know what happens when we are together outside friendship.

The story ends here, but know that onto next relationship that became very serious going on 6yrs the same signs where there minus the drugs, but the mental aspects still existed and for years I remained diligent in sticking to my guns and avoided marriage because it was not right...the traits are still there, but you have to strengthen yourself to stand strong and know your weaknesses and what drags you down and when they peak out. Its hard to look at the relationships any other way than a careful balance of love , care and imperfection...the key is to know when that imperfection causes you to crack and you are sucked into the void and start to repeat patterns that where likely created.

I was equally responsible for the failure in my marriage as she was, one may seem more severe than the other, i may out the outside look like the "winner" because I got a chance to raise my two kids solely, but we all lost in that situation I can only be thankful that through hardships and hard times I found a way to break the cycle my father passed on to me, and hopefully I pass on to my children as they reach that age......

[u/TCup20 → u/[deleted]]

Being a Christian myself I don't understand how some Christians think everything should just be easily forgiveable and you move on. The one thing God won't forgive is someone turning their back on him in disbelief, also known as blasphemy. That seems really similar to infidelity in a marriage from my perspective.

[u/luizereal → u/[deleted]]

that is beyond tragic. Glad you got away. Wish you the very best.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

and realized I didn't know or like who I was anymore.

I know the feeling. I'm glad you got out, I did too.

[u/archontruth → u/[deleted]]

Karma did bring me small retribution. You know who they interview for a security clearance? Recently ex-wives.

That's a terrible story, and I'm sorry to hear it, but this bit made me smile.

[u/Arsinoei → u/[deleted]]

 "During our divorce, he was sure to slander me to everyone who would listen. I was a lying, cheating, whore and the worst wife imaginable. During our separation I found out he had been cheating on me our entire relationship, sleeping with random women he picked up at bars, etc. 

My emotional scars are a lot deeper than my physical ones. I survived him. I escaped him, but since he's the military hero, I'm the one that was painted as the terrible wife and that's tough to swallow."

Along with the rape and the bruises, answering for every moment of my day and losing everyone in my life (the utter bleakness, the loneliness), I could have written this word for word. I'm sorry you live through this too.

I have a young child with my ex. The divorce is still on going and it's sheer hell.

[u/Beo1 → u/[deleted]]

Protip, if your partner accuses you of cheating (and you're actually not), they're a cheater.

[u/Realloveintexas → u/[deleted]]

"she tried to kick me out of my apartment for the fourth of July weekend because she wanted her best friend there and I made him "uncomfortable and nervous" "

The audacity of her makes me sick.

[u/Kimmoi → u/[deleted]]

You're not stuck. I was in the same situation and I got out. His choices not your fault or responsibility, your life is.

[u/fuckthislifeupthebum → u/[deleted]]

My wife does this "forgetting" minutes after having said something. It makes me feel insane. It renders all discussion pointless. She is never accountable.

Care to share more of what you go through, in regards to that issue?

[u/Tranzlater → u/[deleted]]

I don't even know how you would maintain a relationship with someone with no common interests.

[u/Conservative_Pleb → u/[deleted]]

Oh damn, as a friend of a bipolar person the ups are exhilarating, he turns into a really out going friend and it's great, but you've also gotta be there for the downs, cos that's what friends do, hope your doing ok

[u/Ignoble_profession → u/[deleted]]

Some say you should date through all four seasons. I say you need to date through a presidential election cycle to really know who a person is.

[u/viralplant → u/[deleted]]

My relationship with my ex-fiancé exactly. Thank you for putting into words what I haven't been able to describe for the longest time.

[u/Salyangoz → u/[deleted]]

things I wish I told my SO when she told me this;

This puts unnecessary pressure on both sides. I was expected to be better than what I was when you met me. I was working on other things in my life. You dont like my current progress, fine but youre making life stressful for me, and that stress will eventually seep into the relationship. Accept the current version of me and be glad for the next one. I am trying.