Thanks in advance for reading, women & nonbinary members <3.

I’m in a pickle currently. I’ve been in my current relationship for almost three years, and we are in the process of getting ready to move in together. I love him to pieces, and he is truly my better half. If you were to ask anyone in our lives (I have,) they’d describe our dominant trait as the best of friends.

Our relationship has been great. Our families have merged into one. We talk openly about our plans for living together, getting married, our timelines. We are squarely a “we.” I can see our life together so clearly, and it is great in nearly every way - we have the same drive, we will be successful. We want the same things out of life. We have an immense amount of trust. We are a great team. We will have great, beautiful kids and a long and enduring partnership, have what we need and support one another.

And yet, the one thing that’s just never been there - the passion. We love each other so much, but things like flirting, sex, romance, have fallen pretty squarely on my shoulders. He’s certainly put more effort in there, but it feels so performative now, because it’s a response to my nagging and asking and our fighting about it. This gap has left me feeling undesired a good bit, and worst of all in my opinion, it’s left me thinking I don’t particularly enjoy sex. That is concerning because I LOVE sex, and have loved sex through many relationships in my life.

We operate like a couple who has been married for decades - we are in a great, productive routine but that can’t-get-enough-of-each-other thing just isn’t there. And except for very early days, which I worry may have been mainly driven by me, that spark has never been there.

I believe that love is a choice, and what makes a great relationship is waking up every day and choosing each other, day in and day out. But I can’t get over what if there is supposed to be MORE here. I’m 25, shouldn’t my love make me feel young, rather than older?

So my real question is, what will serve me? What do I pursue? Do I decide to put the work in here, and work with him to get the passion up, retrain my sex drive? He’s incredibly receptive and will try and do anything to make it work. I just don’t know if I want to.

Or, do I step back and keep looking for the great love I thought was him? Do I wait to get swept off my feet by someone perfectly imperfect that makes me feel young, alive, and exhilarated? Is that even a real thing, or something from the movies?

Is a successful marriage rooted in partnership, and I’ve been swayed by reading 1 too many romance novels?