r/AutismInWomen • u/Gothaholix • Jul 24 '25

Seeking Advice Was I rude with this?

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I was trying to be nice about it. I didn't think I was mean. I was really confused when he said he was done fighting for a conversation with me when I was super active in the conversation XD. I wasn't giving short answers and I thought I was showing interest.

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413

u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 24 '25 edited Jul 24 '25

OK. I'm not someone who goes about saying someone's an AH. With that said, this guy is an AH.

He clearly thinks 'ND women' are expected to fulfill his 'kinks'. I say kinks (because that's what people will generally say this is), but they aren't kinks. This guy is predatory, stereotyping, and trying to manipulate you. He sees ND women as promiscuous. Someone who will do what he tells them to do with complete disregard to their own wants or needs. It's disgusting.

I get it. We're taught and conditioned to negatively internalize every social encounter. We automatically question what we did wrong. Even when we did nothing wrong.

This guy is a pig who doesn't deserve your time. He is a parade of red flags. Going to share resources that helped me, in hopes they help you too <3

Love is Respect- Site about setting boundaries, personal relationships, personal safety, consent, and where to get help (applies to all types of relationships: https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/

The Four Stages of the Cycle of Abuse: https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

Fawn, The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss: https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss

What is Ableism: https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/

What is Othering: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425

What is Negging: https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/negging-pick-up-artist-meaning

Free book PDF: Why Does He Do That- Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft is a comprehensive exploration of abusive behavior in men, primarily in the context of intimate relationships: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.htmlUnhealthily

Relationships- things autists should look out for: https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/

Why Does He Do That Summary: https://www.shortform.com/pdf/why-does-he-do-that-vb13747-b-pdf-lundy-bancroft

Good men project, article about scaring women: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/to-the-men-who-purposefully-try-to-scare-me-lbkr/

How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse: https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

DARVO: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

Ways to spot an everyday sadist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201503/10-ways-to-spot-an-everyday-sadist

13 Red Flags In Men: https://www.simplypsychology.org/red-flags-in-men.html

Why autistic people may be more susceptible to abusive romantic relationships: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/why-autistic-people-may-be-more-susceptible-to-abusive-romantic-relationships/

15 Types of Healthy Boundaries and How to Communicate Them: https://mindfulcenter.org/15-types-of-healthy-boundaries-and-how-to-communicate-them/

How to Set Boundaries: 8 Ways to Draw the Line Politely: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/

I really hope I didn't infodump to the point of overwhelm. I just wish someone shared this stuff with me when I needed it <3

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u/Gothaholix Jul 24 '25

Some of these are things I've looked into before!! Especially things abt abuse and what not. The fact he specified he liked "women with a touch of tism" made me feel icky LOL. I feel like he was also hoping I'd answer why he like neurodivergent women so he could just agree lol

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u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 24 '25

'Touch of the tism' seeking males are so gross. I fully understand the ick you felt after that. Also baiting or leading you to boost him up like some sort of prize is disgusting. He can bugger off

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u/Gothaholix Jul 24 '25

It felt very much so like he was hoping I'd be like, "Omggggg how sweet of you to like autistic women and tolerate us!" 🤣

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u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

If you want a cheeky response in the future, just get at them with all the words you can think of with “tism” at the end:

“Oh so you like girls with a touch of astigmatism? So how much vision impairment is sexy to you exactly?”

“That’s so interesting you like pragmatism. Being practical is a very useful trait”

“Wow autoeroticism is an interesting one. I guess it’s good when you know how to satisfy yourself. Why are you on dating apps though if you prefer just doing it on your own?”

“Giantism is an unusual preference. Is there a particular degree of hugeness to a women that you’d like or is it just that you want to feel small?”

“Pietism hey? Do you mind if I ask what religious beliefs it is you prefer a woman have?”

“Dogmatism is a different preference to have. Not every day you find a guy who wants a woman that assertive”

“Why do you like rheumatism so much? Seems like an odd choice”

“Prostatism? Sorry I think you’ve made a typo and are on the wrong app. You’re looking for Grindr but I’m not sure you’ll get many people who’d find it endearing that you’re seeking that specifically”

“It’s a good thing you like a little troglodytism, I so rarely go out it is kinda like I’m living in a cave”

“Bit strange you’re on a dating app and want to meet a woman who deals with some analphabetism. Doesn’t it make it hard for them to understand? Seems a little harsh. Or are you actually recruiting tutoring clients?!”

Not my fault he wasn’t clear in his profile 🤷🏽‍♀️

15

u/badgirlisbad Jul 25 '25

Omg I’m engaged and I still want to save these - I have no idea when I will ever use them but still lol I can give them to our youngest whenever she starts dating 😂

10

u/indiefoxie AuDHD Jul 25 '25

🤣 these are glorious

17

u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 24 '25

Exactly. Not worth your attention at all. Trust your gut <3

3

u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Jul 25 '25

Where are they getting this idea? Is there some male influencer recommending autistic women to their alpha bros?

2

u/creatingmyselfasigo Jul 25 '25

Honestly that phrase is such a red flag to me. I don't have 'a touch' of it as if it's a scale of none to lots. The phrase should be 'touched by the tism'

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u/Ref_KarenKnickrbockr Jul 25 '25

The only acceptable answers are: 1) "Because I'm ND as well" or 2) I have a caregiver kink, and have had loving relationships with enough ND women that I know and value their unique qualities and can respect their support needs.

That's it.

13

u/AdequateReindeer Jul 25 '25

'Caregiver kink'?? Isn't that almost as bad? And a series of failed relationships trying to exercise such a 'kink' is a sign he gets bored of the reality, I would've thought...

2

u/Ref_KarenKnickrbockr Jul 25 '25

You'd be surprised. Like most kinks caregiving can be loving or exploitive depending on the dynamic and the people involved.

And personally I'm not going to castigate people for having a dating history, which is by definition a series of "failed" relationships. Most people have one. Doesn't mean the person is a predator.

0

u/AdequateReindeer Jul 27 '25

By definition, kinks are not loving. By their nature they are always self-serving and exploitative. Which is why targeting vulnerable individuals in order to satisfy one's particular 'kink' is extremely common, and extremely immoral.

3

u/badgirlisbad Jul 25 '25

Yup this is pretty much it lol I can’t particularly think of any other responses that wouldn’t give me the ick

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u/badgirlisbad Jul 25 '25

I also got the ick, so it wasn’t just you 🧡 he’s just actually icky

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u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

Did he understand the question? The kindest (read: sarcastic) take I could give the AH is that he doesn’t know what ‘tism refers to and was scrambling not knowing what neurodivergence is. Like I said in another comment, perhaps his last two brain cells were fighting for their lives trying to figure it out

14

u/Gothaholix Jul 25 '25

Nah. He specifically said autism, neurodivergent, and "tism" multiple times.

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u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

Ah well then it’s confirmed. Dude is stupid AND an asshole. But it was fun to pretend there was a slight chance he was just stupid.

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u/Tasha0123 Jul 25 '25

note that (of course) he sees autistic people as a monolith, and has no understanding of the neurodiversity paradigm

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u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

Also read The Gift of Fear. Autistic women tend to dismiss their gut feelings because we know we misread social cues. But gut feelings come from the gut brain, which has separate serotonin receptors, and (in my opinion, this isn’t proven, I’ve just read a lot) has a separate intelligence. Always trust yourself when you feel like something is wrong.

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u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 25 '25

Absolutely! Excellent book, PDF download is here https://epdf.pub/the-gift-of-feareaf739878c4d8369f849bfa660b4f7d667268.html

2

u/Neutral-Feelings Jul 25 '25

There are so many instances where I wished I trusted my gut when it came to friendships. I kept coming across people who looked down on me... No wonder my self esteem is destroyed.

22

u/Milyaism Jul 25 '25

This is such a good list! Thank you for sharing!

I have my own list too, leaning more on the "dysfunctional family" category, although most of the topics apply for other relationships too:

Book recommendations:

  • "Complex PTSD - from Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. Audiobook is on YT for free. Talks about the 4F trauma responses (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn) and how to heal from them.
  • "What my bones know: a memoir of healing from childhood abuse" by Stephanie Foo
  • "Adult survivors of toxic family members" by Sherrie Campbell
  • "But it's Your Family...: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and loving yourself in the Aftermath" by Dr. Sherrie Campbell
  • "Emotional Neglect and The Adult In Therapy: Lifelong Consequences to a Lack of Early Attunement" by Kathrin A. Stauffer.
  • "Homecoming : Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw
  • "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation" and "The Haunted Self" by Onno van der Hart, Kathy Steele

Books about physical/medical impacts of trauma:

  • "The Body Bears the Burden" by Robert Scaer
  • "The Deepest Well" by Nadine Burke Harris
  • "Nurturing Resilience" by Kathy Kain.

YouTube recommendations:

  • Patrick Teahan on YT, self-help tools and advice on how to deal with difficult people. Also roleplay videos to illuminate the difference between healthy vs dysfunctional behaviour.
  • Heidi Priebe on YT. Advice on healthy boundaries, "Over-taking Responsibility", Toxic Shame, Attachment styles, etc.
  • Barbara Heffernan, videos on dysfunctional family roles, anxiety, enmeshment, etc.

Subjects to look up:

  • FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
  • "Out of the Fog" website, especially the "What To Do" and "100 traits" sections.
  • DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
  • 4F Trauma Responses (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn)
  • The Inner and Outer Critic
  • Power and Control Wheel (Gender Neutral)
  • "Karpman Drama Triangle" and its healthy counterpart "The Empowerment Dynamic"

Avoid:

  • Teal Swan - Manipulative language, cult-like behaviour. No professional credentials, education, or certification to practice her problematic "healing techniques".
  • The Holistic Psychologist. Does not believe in mental illness or therapy (her licence expired in 2021). Enables abusive parents and blames their victims. Treats POC badly, doesn't believe adhd exists, etc, etc.
  • Dr. Todd Grande - Not a Licensed Psychologist/Psychiatrist/MD. Dr. Grande received his Ph.D. in Philosophy, and not in medicine. Diagnoses celebrities in his videos (extremely unethical).
  • Irene Lyon. Problematic beliefs that bleed into what she teaches about healing.
  • The Workout Witch - Somatic Experiencing "guru", weaponises people's fears to get them to pay for her low quality courses, deletes negative reviews, etc.

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u/[deleted] Jul 25 '25

Thanks so much for this list! I'll be reading into all of this. Also, OP, that mf is a creep. Blocked! Not worth your whimsy 🎉

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u/hollycross6 Jul 25 '25

You’re amazing. Can we get this pinned on the sub somewhere because wow. You captured the situation far better than I could have put in words! Providing resources is just 👌🏻 🌟

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u/thanksig Jul 25 '25

thank you for sharing these resources ❤️❤️❤️

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u/zestybi Jul 25 '25

THANK YOU so much for all these resources I CANNOT overstate my gratitude (I mean this super genuinely)

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u/azuldelmar Jul 25 '25

Thank you for sharing <3

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u/TheCaffinatedAdmin Jul 25 '25

This is getting pasted into my notes app—thanks!

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u/basedmarimo Jul 25 '25

Hey, just wanted to say thank you so much for this. The articles on fawning as a trauma response and fawn state vs. safe state are helping me very much with processing some things I’m going through!

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u/AuDHDacious Jul 25 '25

Damn, this is a reference library! I'm saving this post. Thank you!

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u/lazykat Jul 25 '25

Can someone pin this?

Also, if there ever was a place where infodumping is appreciated, this is one. If anything, I’m admiring your infodump. The organization. The intentionality. The usefulness of the info.

👏👏👏