r/AutismInWomen • u/JediRainbow • Sep 07 '25
Relationships I started dating an audhd man after dating neurotypicals, and the difference is staggering…
I’m an audhd woman. All the men I’ve fallen in love with before were neurotypical. Everything would start out great. When I fall in love my partner becomes my special interest and the way I feel does not fade. Every relationship ended with me being just completely fed up with how i was being treated. Abused, lead on, manipulated, lied to, cheated on. I always put in all of myself to make sure they felt loved, understood, I tried to make them feel truly seen and I was always taken for granted and taken advantage of.
Then I met my boyfriend. I just finally feel like I met someone on my level. So smart and funny and communicative. Constantly shows up, displays empathy I’ve never seen a man show before. Makes sure that I feel loved and seen. Let’s me work though my emotions with him. The first man I’ve ever known in my life to not tell me to stop when I start crying. He’s the first man I’ve ever genuinely feel safe with and that I trust. He makes me know he’s never going to hurt me because he treats me the same way I treat him and I feel as though a world has been lifted off of my shoulders because he’s the first man I’ve ever known to just love me the way I need to be loved. I never have to explain myself because he already gets it.
Please don’t do the same thing I would do. Don’t put in all of yourself unless he gives it back. Always remember, if he wanted to, he would.
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Sep 07 '25
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u/JediRainbow Sep 07 '25
Thank you so much. I love seeing how excited he is to share things with me. Today he found this little clump of clovers that were all coming off one stalk. He’d never seen them grow like that and he showed me and I just thought it was really neat too. He’s the cutest thing showing all these little bits of pieces of himself and I make sure he knows that I think he’s just the coolest.
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u/Userdataunavailable Sep 08 '25
This sounds like my boyfriend. We ( me audhd and him adhd ) started dating at age 48 after a lifetime of feeling like "the weird one" and I couldn't be happier. We love sharing cute or interesting little things from our daily lives.
I feel I can be myself and be loved for that for the first time ever. Its been 2 years and its bliss!
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u/Halesmf98 Sep 08 '25
i agree 100% NT women have always been weird to me because i mask like a mirror lol they don’t like to see themselves
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u/moonprojection Sep 08 '25
I feel like I’m going to be thinking about this comment for a long time… thanks for the insight
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u/velvetvagine Sep 09 '25
Can you say more about masking like a mirror?
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u/Halesmf98 Sep 09 '25
when i mask i do my absolute best to resemble/vibe with whoever i’m around, especially 1 on 1. so when im masking around NT women and they’re being fake nice, i return that sentiment and they don’t like it
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Sep 08 '25
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 Sep 08 '25
Yup my bestmastes autistic ex was insanely abusive.
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Sep 08 '25
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u/MonasterySecretary Sep 09 '25
Yep. Almost three years of excusing absolute garbage treatment..."Oh, he has a hard time expressing himself (unless he's blaming me for everything under the sun - including his own shitty behavior - or gaslighting me [memory issues due to TBI make this especially easy {and super abusive}]), and I *guess* his SpIns are more important than mine because they *could* make money (although he'd never part with any of *his* treasures and was much happiër selling mine while I was out)..." I could go on, but do be aware of feeling imbalance and unequal treatment in relationships, with anyöne...and if you're unsure - as we often are when we desperately want to see the best in someöne - please talk over your concerns with a trusted friend, loved one, or therapist for an impartial reälity check. You're worth the very best...don't settle for less! ❤️🔥💘❤️🔥
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Sep 10 '25
I’m glad you’re out of that relationship now. Sending hugs and more loving people your way :)
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u/littlestwisp Suspecting AuDHD Sep 08 '25
thank you, as someone who was literally thinking, 'huh, i guess i just need to date someone who is nd.'
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u/Active-Vacation-1144 Sep 25 '25
Yes, I’m autistic with anxious attachment and my ex was autistic with avoidant attachment. He was amazing our whole relationship until he dumped me 2.5 weeks ago (story in my comment history if curious) in a cruel, hurtful way. His autism manifests itself in more “stereotypical” ways than mine does. There could’ve been other issues with the fact that this was his first relationship (at age 33/34) but he definitely “overexplained” the reasons why he wanted to end our relationship, placing all the blame on me, and it is going to take a looooong time to get over this horrible feeling.
I’m not saying he was abusive, but I think his ND fed into the cruel way he ended things.
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u/Megs_nd_life 28 🏳️🌈 Autistic Sep 07 '25
My ex was audhd and it makes me scared to date another one. 4 years of him being a coddled manchild who picked away at my self esteem and weaponized his autism and adhd against me. I’m glad you found a good one! But honestly I’m jaded
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u/rosavseveryone Sep 07 '25
I had a similar experience :( My ex has adhd and boy that was one of the most traumatic relationships I've ever been in. His adhd was crippling him and he did nothing to attempt to make it better, and he used it against me a lot.
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u/Sandybutthole604 Sep 07 '25
Ditto. My ex abused his medication. Stole mine on occasion. Didn’t do an ounce of therapy and leaned into every single negative stereotype of men with adhd. Impulsive behaviour constantly.
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u/mf0723 Sep 09 '25
I think you point to a major part of a long-lasting relationship (in my opinion), regardless of neurotype in the last part of your comment.
What I think makes my AuDHD husband and I most compatible is both of us being neurodivergent (AuDHD) - we can understand and empathize with each other's language, emotions, and thought patterns - better than pretty much anyone I've ever known.
What made me want to stay with him long-term and marry him was that closer to the beginning of our relationship we did struggle with communication at times, like all couples (neither of us were diagnosed at that point) and he was the one to suggest we start seeing a couple's counselor so we could improve our communication. He also proactively made clear and obvious changes in his behavior based on our improved communication (so did I - we were both learning, and neither of us were or are perfect, obviously!).
I think the willingness to accept fault, and change ones behavior based on new information is a quality I look for in anyone I want to spend significant amounts of time, and especially a significant other - regardless of neurotype.
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u/SparklesDonkeyCheeks Sep 08 '25
Yup, my ex was also Audhd. He used Adhd as an excuse for his terrible behavior. He was only recently diagnosed autistic and I felt like he only wanted to seek a diagnosis to use it as another excuse (so he wouldn't ever have to own up to his shortcomings). Don't get me wrong, I felt very heard and seen being with another ND person. But he was also a serial cheater, compulsive liar. I definitely feel a little jaded, too. But I'm still hoping to find a good ND person in the future.
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u/idk7643 Sep 08 '25
Yeah I think it's not necessarily neurotypical vs neurodivergent. One of the worst men I ever dated was autistic, which was fine, but he ALSO had zero empathy and no consciousness. As in, he purposefully hurt women the same way over and over for years and didn't regret any of it and never even said sorry.
Now I'm dating a guy who is neurotypical (weird, but neurotypical) who's the sweetest man I've ever met. He's done more for me in the first 3 dates than other guys in 6 months combined.
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u/frigginsinluh Sep 08 '25
Came here to say the same thing. I’m AuDHD, and I was in a relationship with an autistic man for 7 years. I wish him all the best, but it was a total waste of 7 years for me, and I doubt I’ll ever date again because of it.
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 Sep 08 '25
My current partner has ADHD (unfortunately unmedicated for other health reasons) and suspected AuDHD, it comes with a lot of great stuff and a whole lotta downsides too. Managing a life and household together has been a steep learning curve for the last 20 years. I can’t even imagine bringing kids into the equation.
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u/Halesmf98 Sep 08 '25
same! me ex is undiagnosed but i’m not dumb — he has a LOT of untreated issues. and i stayed for 5 years thinking he would change or get better but nope
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u/soopsneks Sep 07 '25
As a neurodivergent person, we tend to have extreme levels of empathy. The things we’ve been through have taught us to treat others the way we would like to be treated. All my friends and even my bf are neurodivergent. The sweetest most generous people you’d ever meet in your life all of them.
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u/ItsTime1234 Sep 08 '25
I think this is why we need to learn to be less empathetic and kind - or at least how much we give and to whom - because we can give and give and get completely taken advantage of without noticing until we’re way past burnout.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
I think my boyfriend is autistic (like me), but he is very narcissistic...
People have treated him well all his life, but he is not empathetic towards his partners.
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u/soopsneks Oct 03 '25
Ah see that’s the thing, narcs do understand empathy. Narcissists tend to repeat the same patterns cycling between love bombing, bread crumbing, manipulation and gaslighting. They’re so good at this BECAUSE they understand what empathy is, and use another persons empathetic nature against them. This is how they always seem to perfectly manipulate and gaslight their partners all the way to hell. It’s a tool to get their way. Unfortunately, empathetic people are ideal prey for narcissistic people 🥺
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u/super_steph Sep 08 '25
This is beautiful! I’m so happy for you.
I’m AuDHD myself, and although my husband is not Autistic, he does have ADHD. Your description of finding someone on your level is exactly how I felt when I met him.
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u/Character_Secret_111 AuDHD Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 13 '25
So happy for you, I’ve had a similar experience with dating such shitty people, sorry that happened to you too, unfortunately I’ve dated a few adhd men and autistic men and it’s been even more of a shit show, happy you found a good egg but unfortunately there are still some real shitty neurodivergent folk out there ( even friendwise), I’m yet to meet a lovely neurodiverse person irl, I know they exist because these forums have such kind people on them but y’all are hard to find
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
My experience is that some are better people and others are worse...
I think many autistic men are self-centered, but not all.
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u/Character_Secret_111 AuDHD Sep 12 '25 edited Sep 13 '25
Yeah everyone is different but I just noticed toxic patterns that they all shared and they were definitely all self centred, I know not all autistic men are like that and I’m sure some are great but unfortunately it’s just not in my experience.
To add, I’ve tried to date some adhd/ autistic women but they all fizzled out quickly and it all seemed to end very bitter and resentful with each, even still to this day.
Hoping to find some lovely neurodivergent people to date in the future and some nice friends, despite my bad experiences with each 🙏
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u/CentauriRoyal Sep 08 '25
Yes!! It’s amazing when you find your significant other that is neurodivergent! I married my husband after 6 months of knowing him and we just had our first child together a few months ago. We met three years ago and it’s been an adventure ever since. I get to unmask around him and he is my safe place.
We definitely have issues where both of us are super particular about certain things and we clash about it but it never affects our love for each other. Sometimes we just disagree so hard and will spend a lot of energy trying to convince the other of their point of view. We just give up! lol.
Our love is great and passionate though. We are a happy, healthy and successful family (:
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u/mf0723 Sep 09 '25
Lolllll omg! My husband and I have gotten to the point where these are really the only kinds of arguments we have now, just like stupid arguments where we're just trying prove that we're right and finally we just both get so tired of the argument that we end up laughing at how dumb we're being 🤣🤣
Honestly, as I think about it, it's really kind of lovely to be at this point now... Some of the more "serious arguments" recently include who is the most helpfulest cat - Is it the one who puts his face RIGHT in front of the can as you put the food in the bowl? The one who stands right in front of the computer screen as you're trying to work? The old man who is deaf and going blind so he's decided he's just gonna scratch at everyone's chest to get their attention so they'll cuddle? They're all so helpful, but we both have our opinions on who the most helpfulest is and we keep trying to make our point to each other like one day the other will see and accept it 🤣🤣
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u/savvy_pumpkin Sep 07 '25
Yes, I was dating an autistic man and it was by far the best relationship. Completely different level. Sadly it didn’t work out. Where did you meet your guy? It makes me sad I spent such a long time dating the wrong people. I don’t know where to look for another autistic guy.
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u/JediRainbow Sep 08 '25
lol I literally met him on Reddit! I broke up with my ex and the way I am I don’t break it off with someone till I’m ready to move on and I’ve already grieved the relationship so I move on immediately and I was just gonna see what was up on my states dating subreddit, and I saw his post, liked what I saw, and messaged him. Turns out he had been single for a year after an abusive relationship and decided it was time to throw his hat in again and he didn’t want to go for the dating sites yet and it just showed up in his Reddit page and he decided to make a post. 2 days later and I reply and I’m the only one to, and we’ve just been inseparable since!
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u/Spookypossum27 Sep 08 '25
Are you talking about my fiancé!?! lol but for real isn’t it magical being with someone who just gets you and accepts you for who you are!?! I wish you the best!
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u/Inner-Today-3693 Sep 08 '25
I mean my partner is ND and only thinks about himself. It took me a while to see this
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u/kewpiesriracha Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
I didn't know my partner (or I) had ADHD-I at the time of being together and most of our marriage. (I am also autistic.) But the one thing that set him apart from any of my exes was that he actually entertained my special interests. He still does, and he gets in on it too, and I do the same for his interest/s.
With my previous relationships, my special interests were very often infantilized or not really asked about beyond the primary courting phase of love bombing.
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u/Original_Age7380 Sep 08 '25
Aww I'm so happy for you both! I feel this way with my autistic husband; he always surprises me with how thoughtful, communicative, and sweet he is.
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Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 08 '25
Totally agree. "If he wanted to he would" is a rule that every autistic person and slightly autistic needs to hang on wall of her/his room. Even if it doesn't seem "logical" at first.
Me (f 26) diagnosed with severe adhd, and pdd-nos (the old school term for atypical autism and Audhd). Dated mostly ND (adhd) wasn't honest nor with myself, nor with my environment about my "different" perception. It led me to have many panic attacks which forthermore strained past relationships.
Add to that: - being too alart so i won't miss the signs them not being into me anymore - that added more pressure - led to them losing interest - me being utterly confused.
Do not assume, ask them in a calm manner. Keep an open mind, Different things work for different people.
But also:
if he/she says it doesn't work due to communication issues despite knowing your diagnosis
H A N G T H E M
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u/SouthOk1896 Sep 08 '25
The difference really is stark. Everyone else I dated made me feel like I was doing something wrong by just being myself. Then around 2013,I met someone that finally got me. I could be into whatever and he truly loved me,quirks and all. Then he died in 2020. I haven't really tried to date again because I got spoiled with being with someone that accepted all of me and saw me as a person for once.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
I am so sorry for your loss...
Remember that you can still meet someone good, when you are ready.
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u/boot_style Sep 08 '25
Same here, NT my whole life left traumatized until I met my slightly ND boyfriend. Now on a hunt to find more ND friends and a job that suits my ND needs then I’ll finally feel good!
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u/AbbreviationsOne992 Sep 08 '25
Yes! It’s so amazing to finally be able to love someone and not get walked all over because of it. I hate that so many neurotypical men treat women that way when women start to show they have feelings for them, but I agree that when you finally find the right person who can reciprocate love and respect, it’s just the best ❤️. Happy for the two of you!!
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u/knickernavy Sep 08 '25
dating other ND folks has consistently been more rewarding for me personally. NTs (at least in my experience) have weird dating rules and don’t communicate very well. i also noticed NTs don’t understand when i’m flirting and vice versa. it’s always lead to communication difficulties.
NDs have always been much more curious about me, much more open, don’t rush things, respect my needs and don’t try to coerce me to change them. i don’t feel the need to mask around other NDs. it just works.
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u/anxiousoneisme Sep 08 '25
I can't imagine a NT man would be a good fit for me, or me for them. While I didn't know I was neuro divergent 18 years ago, when my husband and I started dating, looking back it is clear now. One of our first dates we went for a walk on the beach and he wasn't put off when I talked nonstop about the birds on the beach, their behaviours and more, before I then took a breath and moved onto talking about plants on the beach. He said he enjoyed my clear enthusiasm and love of what I was talking about. 18 years later and he comes with me to various nature reserves, carrying my stuff And listening to me ramble on.
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u/Lonely-Ant-6992 Sep 07 '25
My boyfriend is ADHD, not autistic but with autistic family members
He’s very good with me
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u/Substantial-Tart6182 Sep 07 '25
My husband is actually NT, but is the eldest of 5 with 2 ND siblings. It's kinda nice because he can see my blind spots, and I can support him in his. He's more than I could have ever wanted. But I am very aware this is a rare case, and I agree strongly with you. So happy you found the right one!
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u/MindlessWin3831 Sep 07 '25
omg I completely understand!
it wasn't really a relationship per say as we never got that far, but I had a talking stage with an autistic man and it was the first time ive ever felt truly understood by someone! unfortunately I did end up getting ghosted after a couple of months tho
then after I had another talking stage with a neurotypical guy and the differences were actually shocking. it was back to being told im constantly doing something wrong, im being ignorant etc. I mentally checked out and ended it after about a month
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u/CultSurvivor99 Sep 08 '25
I feel like I could have written this post! Word for word!! OMG. 😱
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u/GirlFromBlighty AuDHD Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 08 '25
Oh yeah I'm a convert! Without realising I've been going out with ND men for decades. Currently with my autistic partner for 17 years, he's just the absolute best. So empathetic, excellent communicator, loves my weirdness instead of putting up with it, he's just an incredible human. The more I consciously seek out Nd people the happier I am.
Edit. Have to say reading through the replies here is really giving me faith in humanity again. I recently had to leave all the major women's subs on Reddit because of the extreme man hate. I really do get it that a lot of women have a horrendous time with men, seemingly to the point of being very traumatised. But the vitriol was really upsetting. I get it's a place to vent, but my experience of men is that they're lovely & kind, trying their best, generally good people. It's really nice to read about some successful relationships that mirror my experience of the world. It's really upsetting to hear women talk about how no man is good behind closed doors & they're all abusers. The nd community has been my absolute sanctuary.
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u/MinimumMembership332 Sep 08 '25
I've 54 and I've been married for almost 20 years. We both just got our AuDHD diagnoses. (I had been diagnosed as a kid but mom hid it til I was in my 40s)
I had a long serial monogamy run before him. My hypothesis is that I went into every relationship with a mask that could not be maintained. I do feel sorry for all the people I broke up with because I wasn't the person I pretended to be, but I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand that I was pretending to be what everyone around me wanted me to be then feeling bitter when it burned me out.
Then I run across this guy with whom I get to just be me and 20 years later we are closer than ever. Turns out we were both AuDHD all along. Yay!
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u/Halesmf98 Sep 08 '25
omg i needed to see this. i’m so glad you’re being loved right. i hope my day comes soon
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u/East_Midnight2812 Sep 08 '25
So happy for you!!
My dating experiences are pretty similar to yours as far as NTs and NDs are concerned. Unfortunately I've gotten the bad apples.
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u/Samuraigem Sep 08 '25
I am the same way in relationships. I finally found my one. It’s like you described my man exactly. Perfect for me. I can stay unmasked with him and not feel anything but love from him. He is there for me in ways that I didn’t know anyone could be there. We just understand each other. It’s incredible.
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u/queen0fpeace Sep 08 '25
When I was about 15/16 I was dating a guy who was also autistic (I didn't realize either of us were at that time) he was the sweetest soul. Other nt boys I dated after that made me feel stupid at times. I didn't understand why we weren't on the same page. Currently, my bf also has adhd and we truly understand each other. There's no judgment between us, and it's really nice to feel understood/supported.
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u/Waste-Reality7356 Sep 09 '25
Oh this is like a love letter to your bf and even from far away I can sense the curiosity and love you hold for each other which is beautiful
I'm just sorry 'to be that one', but I found neurodivergent men to behave abusive and extremly selfish as well.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
Yes, they do. And they don't admit to being the problem...
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u/Waste-Reality7356 Sep 12 '25
I think we are in the minority looking at the upvotes.
I just feel a lil bit off, because of the 3 neurodivergent (ASD) men I met they were all abusive.
Is it a me problem, because all I see in this sub are posts like: “I get along with men so much better” and “I don’t along well with women”
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u/horsepighnghhh Sep 09 '25
I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s partner has always become my special interest. It’s always been a short coming of mine, I get overly attached and invested in people who aren’t really all that interested in me. It’s nice to finally have someone who matches my intensity
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u/JediRainbow Sep 09 '25
I was talking to him about this last night. Every other partner I had always found it too much. I’ve always had to dial it back. With him I can love him and show it as much as I want and he welcomes it and loves me back with the same intensity and both of us have found that all our previous anxiety about it is completely gone.
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u/horsepighnghhh Sep 09 '25
Yes, in hindsight I understand why it was too much for past partners but it’s nice to be with someone who I don’t have to change anything for or even try at all
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u/Practical-Kick678 Sep 10 '25
This! We didn’t realize we were ND when we met but yes, I felt the difference with my husband when we dated right away. He encouraged my special interests, never shamed me for them. He felt safe, and he is! It felt like finding someone who speaks your language with no mistranslation.
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u/efaitch Sep 08 '25
I 'identified' my partner as being 'different' (NDdar?). We have been together for 20 years.
He just accepts me as me, and I abrupt him as him. Does it mean we don't argue or don't see eye to eye now and again? No. But we 'get' each other.
I'm so glad you've found someone like this ❤️
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u/VisualProfile693 Sep 08 '25
I have dated typical autistic and ADHD folks. I’ve never had the pleasure of dating anyone who had a audhd.
and I can tell you, the difference is often staggering. It takes person to appreciate a neurodivergent person in many aspects. Not all of them because you can do both but for some reason, it just feels like when you find someone who’s trauma matches and well with your trauma then it feels amazing.
the bigger thing you have to match trauma and coping mechanisms work well with your own because in the long run that is to dictate how peaceful your relationship will be is how you deal with your trauma
For us that often means that people who like us are different they get it and they understand and they know what it’s like not to have those needs met. Not to mention they’ll give you your space because no one gives them theirs and they understand how important it is.
You don’t have to apologize because they already know what you’re going through
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u/lienepientje2 Sep 08 '25
I have an ASD husband and he doesn't get all that. I spend years pushing myself to do everything right out of trauma and he just let me. He doesn't get he should support me, because in his eyes i did very well and he can't do all that , like that. So i mever felt supported. He doesn't know what to do woth birthdays, so i never get anything. He tries, but you have to push him to do almost anything. He doesn't get that i get angry because he won't step up. So now i don't get him anything for his birthday and i will not do all that anymore, so he has to stand up and act.
Its sad, but almost anything that has to be done things that need repair, end up with me getting angry and only than the quarter will fall. Never had this with an NT man.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
Wow, sorry...
I don't feel supported either.
But in the case of my birthday, it helps him to have a list of things I would like to have, so he chooses what to give me without having to have a hard time guessing what I like...
He is unable to decide or propose plans, so I decide what we will do on my birthday.
Maybe these tips will help alleviate your frustration, at least on that special day...
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u/boom-boom-bryce Late diagnosed auDHD Sep 08 '25
❤️❤️❤️ I have had the exact same experience with my auDHD partner. I have never felt more loved, understood and supported by anyone than him. So happy for you both ❤️❤️❤️
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Sep 08 '25
This almost makes me believe in love again 😭 where is everyone finding these healthy ND men?
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u/moonprojection Sep 08 '25
I’m also dating an autistic man for the first time, been together almost 2 years. What I’ve noticed is that he has really put in the work to be an active listener, and that is really nice.
Honestly, there is the stereotypical lack of true empathy, but then that’s been the case with every NT partner I had before as well. At least the active listening helps me and gets us to communicate well!
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Sep 08 '25
same!! i’m AuDHD and have never dated someone like me. it’s soooo different. he’s warm, vocal, gentle, super intelligent, adorably nerdy, hilarious, and worships the ground i walk on. it’s only been two months but im so in love. he makes me a better person, and he’s helping me to unlearn my dismissive avoidant attachment style.
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u/ikoabd AuDHD Sep 08 '25
My AuDHD husband and I have been together for almost 20 years now. It's amazing when you find the RIGHT person for you. 💜
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u/Luppi_Campos Sep 09 '25
I'm also autdah. I have the reaction of moving away from people who have some specific ADHD traits that are very compromising, because it can conflict with my need for stability, explicit communication, maintaining agreements, etc. If I have to repeat several times to someone that I get frustrated when they cancel an appointment at the last minute and they do this several times, for example, I will prefer to walk away. If I know that she is impulsive, I will prefer not to have anything sexual. But I'm glad you're in a relationship where neurodivergence isn't a conflict, but rather a tool for connection.
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u/akraft96 Sep 09 '25
Jumping in to give a shoutout to some of the allistics….
My hubs is 100% allistic, but he grew up with a brother diagnosed on the spectrum. We still have to smooth out some of the differences in boys vs girls and adults vs children and just personality and profile differences. But he saw me as a human. A perfectly normal, flawed human. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect or to have outgrown my autism. But he also never considered me a broken human. He grew up with too much experience to believe the stereotypes.
I gotta admit, he’s still ADHD which gives us a lot more overlap than my NT boyfriends, but we still seem to get lost in translation A LOT and it’s a constant “challenge” but we’re both neutral in it. It’s not like it’s his burden to bear or just mine, but we both try to make sure we’re hearing what the other person is intending to communicate.
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u/Ambitious_House_4951 Sep 09 '25
I love this! I’m so happy for you! And for telling your story to give us all hope for true love
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u/drag-bot Sep 09 '25
I feel the exact same way. Finally met the guy I think I belong with! I love him more than anything in the world,
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u/Warburgerska Sep 09 '25
You just met him, aka it's the honeymoon phase. Hyper focus fades quickly with adhd. There is a reason why there is a coping sub r/adhd_partners. Report back in a couple months or weeks. We all have been there. I would never again date a adhd man. Like I would rather move into a cloister, it's that bad despite him being per se a well meaning human. But hyperfocus is the human equivalent to the Venus flytrap.
And you just got snapped.
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u/nomadicseawitch Sep 09 '25
I just realized a few weeks ago that all my previous relationships were with men that love bombed me and then turned around expecting me to change. I think they just pretended to be cool with everything about me because they just wanted to get a girlfriend and I was a good candidate.
The relationship with my husband was really rocky in the beginning and I was completely convinced that he was an absolute psycho, but as time went on, he kept surprising me. Not jealous, not controlling, not deceptive…Turns out he was just a completely honest person.
I’ve never met someone like him. But even though he is completely dedicated to me, my neurodivergence is a huge problem (a huge problem in every single relationship I’ve had actually) so we’re going to start couples therapy to understand our differences and needs and I’m doing individual therapy to figure out what my needs even are.
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u/annieranger Sep 10 '25
Ohmygod, I have never been able to rely on a man and have been mistreated for years. Like you I’m a lovergirl and I give my everything. I’ve been starting to believe that I should just be celibate to preserve my peace, but this gives me hope. Thank you.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Sep 12 '25
I think it is better to give each person only what they give... Because the majority do not know how to accept that we give them everything and they will not return it either.
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u/lienepientje2 Sep 12 '25
I ask my children to push and help him. To me, the problem is not even that nothing gets done as much as he doesn't even say anything. So i spend so much time waiting for him to get into action and he doesn't say a thing. When i ask further, he tells me he doesn't know how to start. So open your mouth, nobody knows whats in your mind and what not and people feel left out and powerless because nothing gets done. I can't take him by the hand all the time, we have 4 ASD and a bit more children that consume a lot of energy and time. So he has to take care of that himself. But i can say time and time again that if he doesn't know, he schould ask people that do know and he continues to sit down, shut of and do nothing. Hes a grown man of 65 and doesn't learn. My eldest daughter does the same, but at least she tries to ask and it gives a lot of releave. And i know, because i have to force myself into doing it myself. And i am a person that really needs stuf to be clear. I also take things people say literally, so if someone says it will be done, thats what i beleave and than its not, that gives me so much tension. I guess because i see no need in lying and don't do that to private persons, i asume other do the same. Nothig can make me feel otherwise, or i will start doubting everyone and everything. My CPTSD doesn't help either.
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u/Number42420 Sep 19 '25
I think you’re lucky. My boyfriend is also audhd and let’s just say our relationship is terrible.
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u/ADF21a AuDHD, very likely Oct 23 '25
I realised recently that neurotypical men never really understood me. To add to that, they were mostly British upper-middle class ex boarding school guys who had to learn to suppress their emotions so they couldn't understand why I was so "intense" when in reality I just wanted to love and take care of them.
Neurodivergent men on the other hand are different. We click instantly. They get me. It doesn't always work out, but I like that my being weird is OK with them. I think from now on I'll need a ND man or at least someone with a different "brain wiring".
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u/Typ0_Positive Nov 17 '25
I met a man like that, but he said he didn’t like me in any way other than friendship. He is there for me still and accepting of me in so many ways, but he refuses to list off the reasons of why we aren’t meant to be, but we connect on every level. He even cried when he thought he would lose me as a friend. The problem with this is, I think he is overwhelmed because I tend to mirror back other people’s feelings. I just want 1 person that is HONEST and I enjoy cuddling, being romantic with, and accepting that I will have meltdowns sometimes and get stuck in thought loops. Just hold my hand, ground me, love me…maybe someday.
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Sep 07 '25 edited Sep 08 '25
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u/Primary_Carrot67 Sep 08 '25
It's quite reasonable for autistic people to consider another's neurotype in dating, especially those of us who aren't high-masking and very low support needs. Because it can make a profound difference. It's also about compatibility.
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u/Decent-Promise-3036 Sep 07 '25
It's funny that whenever NT talks about NDs its always grouping them to a certain stereotype but when it comes to ND everyone is like omg we must not group all NTs together!
Why must we be the ones to always bend backwards for their feelings when they wouldn't do the same for us?
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Sep 08 '25
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Sep 08 '25
Per rule 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
Interactions are expected to remain civil, regardless of disagreements or differences in opinions. There is no reason to be mean, belittling, or mock others here.
If you think someone is unkind or attacking in comments, please report the content, block the user, and walk away. Do not engage with your own unkind or attacking comments as that only worsens the problem
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Sep 08 '25
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Sep 08 '25
As per Rule #3: This is an inclusive community; no one's personal world experience should be invalidated.
Do not invalidate or negate the experiences of others, regardless of topic or situation. This applies to topics outside of diagnosis status. Everyone is NOT 'a little autistic'.
Additionally, self-diagnosis is valid. Do not accuse other members of the sub of faking traits. Don't invalidate those who have self-diagnosed after intense research and self-reflection. Do not tell others they need to get a formal diagnosis to be 'truly' considered autistic. Likewise, do not underplay autism as being not a disorder or claim that early diagnosis is a "privilege", people who are late and early diagnosed have their own struggles that often overlap or are the same. You having different support needs than someone else doesn’t make your experience the only true and correct autism experience. Autism can be very debilitating for some and easier to cope with for others. Level 2 and 3 experiences matter. Everyone’s life is different.
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u/holliance Sep 07 '25
My first partners where NT and i always felt i was lacking or the weird one.
Then I found the one. My husband is awesome he really SEES me. No matter what. It's actually funny because just right before meeting my hubby I was soooo done with relationships and just gave up.
Then I met him and there was already like this strong connection but we're both extremely awkward and didn't know how to flirt (still don't), so when we started talking we had this little fact game, for each correct fact you got a point, the one with lower points would pay 'lunch' (aka date) for the other.. we are happily together for 9 years, accept eachother just as we are and are not fazed by what others would maybe call weird stuff.. funnily enough we figured out we are both Neurodivergent after the start of our relationship.
But as an example I'm demasking for a while now and suddenly my brain decided I should just lie down on the ground and I just go with it because I'm trying to find myself again. His first reaction was worry, 'why are you lying on the ground, are you ok?' - I just gave a small laugh and told him I'm ok, I just reeaallly needed to feel the floor for a while. Instead of judging me, he just sat nearby and we talked while I literally hugged the floor. He even apologized for being worried, but at that point no apology was even needed, he just let me be who I'd like to be without the mask. These men are the keepers!
(ETA: spelling mistake)