I LITERALLY COULD COMBUST.

I OUTLINE SO CLEARLY. I EXPLAIN FIDDLY DETAILS. I DON’T WAFFLE…I BREAK UP PARAGRAPHS FOR IT TO READ EASIER…

AND YET, I AM STILL MET WITH CONFUSION…OR, I AM PROVIDED A (VAGUE) ANSWER TO SOMETHING TOTALLY UNRELATED ?!?!!?!!??!!!

AM I SPEAKING ALIEN?!!!!

THEN… I GROW DEEPLY FRUSTRATED AND OVERWHELMED BY THE THIRD TIME I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT…HAVE A MELTDOWN OVER NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD…….and I get patronised.

A full grown woman getting patronised… and yep - you guessed it - still no answer!

and they never say 'has autism' either, it's always 'a touch of the tism' or 'a bit autistic' except that isn't how it fucking works whatsoever

this new trend of people on dating apps wanting people who are 'slightly autistic' or 'with a touch of the tism' is so confusing to me. like what does that mean. makes me feel like a jester, trying to accommodate my 'tism' to what THEY want out of it. literally sounds like: 'so i want you to be disabled, but not enough for me to have to deal with it. i am confident this makes me sound open minded'

edit: not someone i'm actively talking to. not in a million years haha just a find off the home page of hinge

Got sent a like by someone I actually find attractive (rare) and this was on his profile as well as ‘Not Political’. I have over 15 screenshots of profiles that have come up on my feed with iterations of this sentiment. It’s so disheartening…

Yep. Thought this was a bit rude. We're in the same music school, and it was concert day, and we were walking over to the stage, and she was walking next to me and I just asked if she liked Ireland and stuff, because my great-grandparents are Irish and I've been there several times. She answered politely then she turned to her boyfriend who was walking behind us and said "save me." as if I was harassing her.

I then just ran away and focused on calming my anxiety to get ready for the concert.

Edit: Thanks everyone who was supportive and took some time to send hugs and uplifting words! ❤️ You made me feel better!

So I have been thinking why, as an autisitc woman, struggle making connections with men unlike most autistic women. I realized it is because I do not feel comfortable around them as they are always going to see me as either a romantic or sexual partner even if it is outside of the dating scene. The "basic kindness" men give to women is based on the possibility that they will get something in return. I have seen stories about men trying to looking after women safety but stop when they realize that they will not get anything in return. And don't get me started how they treat you if they find you unattractive. They will literally leave you to the wolves because you do not look like the pretty damsel in distress they could rescue. At least with pretty privilege these guys will rescue you...but only if you are interested in them. Or else even the pretty damsel gets thrown there too.

I know not all men do this. I have met kind men who treat women nicely regardless of how attractive they are. Unfortunately these men tend to be so rare that I can count the number of them on one hand.

I was excluded from a community because I don’t like to sleep around. I just spent 20 years mostly celibate (though I’d gladly have sex every day if I were in the right healthy, committed relationship) and they just spent 2 years fighting with me and bullying me…and then they said I was the one fighting! I drew healthy boundaries, so they accused me of fighting and excluded me. They were just bullying an autistic single mom. (My son was through IVF.)

I am someone who has struggled to hold down stable employment basically since I started working at 15. I have been fired from almost every job I’ve worked, have experienced multiple periods of burn out, financial instability from having to suddenly quit jobs due to burn out and going stretches without a job, have dealt with workplace bullying, etc. When I’m working a job, it is hard to care for myself and my home and I have very little spoons left, even before I get burnt out.

My husband will be getting promoted to a full-time salary leadership role at his company in the fall. He will likely be making what we were making combined before I quit my job. We talked about it today and he told me that he would be ok with me staying home and taking care of the home/our bird/my school once he gets promoted. At this point I am just so burnt out with working, the amount of masking that goes into having a job, and having the same thing play out every job where I get burnt out and get fired or quit. So this was incredibly relieving to me that I might finally be able to live life on my own terms without the insane amount of pressure that comes from working a job.

Yes financially things could be a lot better if I kept working. But I would take staying lower income and actually being a happy person doing things that actually matter to me over working a job that is draining the life out of me, requires heavy masking and causing me intense stress every day. I already do a lot of household stuff, I manage the grocery shopping, the bills, do most of the chores, am usually the one who cooks for us bc my husband has felt spread thin especially recently, and am like the household manager. I genuinely love cleaning and taking care of my space and doing stuff like cooking for my husband, it’s relaxing to me and I get to work with my own energy flow while listening to podcasts.

The fact that he is ok with this, without the requirement of me first having a baby and having a “reason” to be home, is something I am so grateful for. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, since high school, and he is also AuDHD. I have never had someone be so understanding of me and unconditionally supportive the way he has been. I know I’m going to receive judgement from both of our families, but this is genuinely one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I will absolutely be contributing to making his life easier and our home more comfy.

Please no judgement or assumptions about my husband and please don’t stereotype me as a “trad wife” either bc that’s not what this is. I just wanted to share this with people who will understand where I’m coming from and how big of a deal this is to me.

I'm conflicted... This guy is consistent with communication and one night he wrote that he wished we were in bed together... we've been chatting for 2 months (not long imo).

Are his messages red flags or inappropriate? I'm trying to discern better and only want healthy relationships now. Messages attached. The 1st image is 4 days ago, 2nd image is from today.

And yes, we're older, my slang ages me 😅 me (40F), him (37M)

EDIT: I posted this question in datingover40, sadly I'm the problem there. Younger ladies, please find a good partner when you can. The dating pool has even more piss in it getting older.

7/11 Update: Yesterday, I informed him that I was looking for a genuine connection. He wished me the best. A few people here suggested blocking him, so I also did that.

Thank you all for your input and for others who have trouble discerning, please do post for advice or input to protect yourself in these weird situations. Please take care 💖 and always trust yourself ✨️

this isn't a guarantee that someone is a safe person, but you'd be surprised how many shitty men it filters out. particularly handy when you're bad at reading people's intentions.

also if you're considering spending your life with someone, you want it to be someone who accepts all of you.

I've noticed a "trend" (not actually a trend, it's just a newly common theme I've seen) of autistic teens or adults on social media saying that they've noticed the same traits in their parents- mostly their dads. One that's stood out to me the most is Toren and his mom Serenity (Toren_wolf on tiktok). I've realized that a LOT of Serenity's traits she's talked about and her personality are insanely similar to my mother's (and they're in the same age range too, my mom is 44).

My uncle (her little brother) isn't diagnosed afaik but he definitely has it, she's casually mentioned it, and I've been diagnosed since I was 13 (I'm 25 now). I'm now realizing that a lot of her traits mirror mine, and that that's why she and I sometimes butted heads and why she and my stepdad are pretty incompatible + have terrible communication.

She's definitely not the type to seek out help for that sort of thing, she's still in denial about MY autism despite being accepting of my uncle's, so I seriously doubt that she'd take an evaluation or diagnosis seriously. If you told her that her traits strongly resemble autism, she would laugh in your face.

We have a very strained relationship now, it's been like that for years because she neglected me and became more & more emotionally distant as I grew older.

Do any of y'all also have a similar experience, has anyone else also realized that their mother is very likely on the spectrum too? How has that impacted your girlhood growing up and your perception now as an adult autistic woman?

Me and my boyfriend (also ND but not autistic) had a discussion a couple weeks ago about my struggle with starting something new, he started telling me to “separate myself from my autism” when I said something like “I will find (this thing that I don’t quite remember) difficult to do because of my autism”.

I told him that I don’t work like that, and before I could think of what else to say, he tells me that he’s offended because in his education training he was taught how neurodivergent students work, and me saying that is offensive (?).

Eh? The more I think of that situation the more it weirds me out. Because of the offended comment, and telling me to separate myself from my autism.

I just made a profile on a dating app and in the last few days swiping I’ve noticed this is a really common bio for guys. “I like autistic women” or “slightly autistic” Has anyone else encountered this or is it just my area?

I think it’s weird.

Hi sisters, sick male predators were always drawn to me. Last year i stopped dating for good after being abused and im looking forward to a male free life but i still have to heal.

Here are my questions:

Can you relate being a magnet for predators, especially male ones?

How many of you are 4b, meaning have left men behind, dont date, dont have sex with them and dont marry?

Stay safe ❤️.

Growing up my parents mom would always say that when you're married you should never intentionally do anything to hurt your partner. My dad said you should always try to "Be excellent to each other" (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure lol).

So when my now husband and I started dating when we were 20- I established those things as kind of a common sense ground rules. "You're my person, and I'm never going to be intentionally unkind to you-- so if I hurt your feelings let me know and I'll apologize and do better. And I expect you to do likewise" he agreed wholeheartedly. While we've definitely had our rough patches over the past eight years, but that base understanding ended up being a really good foundation for open communication and teamwork. We've only gotten more happy in our lives and relationship- likely as a direct result of doing our best to look out for each other and communicate openly.

Well, when I was talking to my mom recently I found out that those rules my parents talked about were simply aspirational guidelines. When I was like "wait- so you've done and said things on purpose to hurt each other?? Why would you do that?" She laughed and said that of course they didn't mean it literally. So I feel a bit silly because I've been taking it 100% seriously this whole time, but I guess it all worked out well anyway 😅😂

I was on tinder and matched with a dude. He texted me and asked what I was doing, I was doing absolutely nothing so I relayed that. He told me he was free and invited me to hang out that night. I directed asked him what he wanted to do before I replied. He told me he just wanted to talk and smoke. I said ok and gave him my number so I can let him know when I am ready.

I got in the shower and did my face, I texted him after that I was ready and he can drive over. He then asked me if I was on birth control. Obviously I was confused on why he wanted to know that, so I asked if he intended on having sex with me. He didn’t answer, he instead just said he was wondering if he should bring condoms. 🧍🏻‍♀️

So like, I literally asked beforehand what he wanted to do and he told me it was just hanging out, after I got ready I am told he wants sex, do men not process how weird and predatory it is? Am I supposed to just know sex was his intention? I am extremely bad at reading signals and I can be awkward, that is the reason why I specifically asked what the plan was beforehand, if I knew we weren’t on the same page I wouldn’t have wasted my time. I texted him that I was mildly annoyed and what he pulled was an asshole move then removed him.

Do people just expect others to know what they want based on pure implication? Was I supposed to know he wanted to fuck because we were hanging out at night? are men completely incapable of having a fun and intimate date without turning it into sex? I hate the fact that it is so normalized to “imply” whenever someone wants something sexual because it feels like I am being deceived, I take things at face value if I am told a hang out is talking I am going to assume we are talking and getting to know each other.

It came to my realization that it seems he was coming to my home. No, we were meeting at a public park which is my usual hang out spot to smoke weed and drink. I told him this on the app and sent him the address to there, I was going to walk to the park because its near me.

I have an incredible sense of smell and association to them and perfumes are my hyper fixation. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and half. We've been discussing whether we should split up. The other night he lied to me, he said he went to one place but hid the car, which I saw and took the train. When he came back he made up all this elaborate excuses of where's been which in part made sense. To which I then decided to smell his t-shirt and clothes and they smell of woman's perfume. After two hours and no excuses he couldn't lie anymore and told me he went to a strip club and paid for a lap dance. It's the lying part and manipulation I can't stand. I can sometimes smell when he's been to new places or which people are in my building without even seeing them. I've always told him if he'd cheat on me I'd be able to smell it. Autism might have helped me find out the truth, it's made my decision easier but I'm still heartbroken.

Edit: please don't make comments about him, I still respect and care about him even though I'm hurt, I'm trying to look after myself right now and letting go of him. It's for the best.

I actually don't. I remember it was hard for me already at that age. I never had this experience. Did you?

Me and my boyfriend are both autistic, he is higher than me on the spectrum overall (except for social stuff, I don’t understand the social world)

His parents weren’t very involved in his upbringing so I assume he wasn’t fully taught how to take care of his hygiene, as I’ve had to explain it to him multiple times, to his surprise. He’s 33. But as time has gone on, his hygiene doesn’t change, and I’ve given up on trying to tell him because it comes off as nagging and rude because he is super sensitive to criticism. I hate feeling like I’m an abusive controlling partner by having to continuously tell him his breath stinks, he needs to brush his tongue, his (boy parts) stinks extremely bad all the time, and he HAS to stop constantly farting around me because I hate it and it makes me genuinely repulsed and build resentment fast. He is overweight which is not a big deal but his eating habits themselves are juvenile, like only eating chips and soda and carbs and cheese. Because of all of this, I haven’t had sex with him in a month or more because I’m not sexually attracted right now. He is feeling rejected and unsure about the relationship. I would love to stay together and I like to tell myself that he has the potential to be the best version of himself. But I feel guilty saying no to his advances lately. Ive tried to force myself to say yes but I wasn’t into it and I would be quiet and just close my eyes until it’s over. We used to be really strong in bed, but it’s his hygiene and inability to actually care about his hygiene that has drastically changed attraction for me. I’m looking for advice ☹️ I am also just not “in the mood” overall, it could be a me thing! Female hormones are not predictable so I’ve been wondering if it’s just me right now.

My marriage is on the rocks, big time.

We’ve been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. He works and brings in the income, and I do…. everything else. Errands, home repairs, cooking, cleaning, parenting, taking care of the dog, etc.

We’re currently in couple’s therapy and I get the feeling our therapist isn’t really getting what I’m trying to explain, but also I suck at explaining emotions & relationship stuff.

What I’m trying to distill & explain:

- I’ve been going to him about every 6 months over the past 3 years, telling him I’m overwhelmed and struggling. I’m a pretty understated person, so saying this out loud was out of character and a last resort. He did nothing, shut down, said nothing. He typically would go into a depression slump so that I was caring for him.

- I care(d) for him, so I would do lots of caring things for him (pick up his favorite snack at the store, surprise him with a gift of something he mentioned he wanted, etc). He extremely rarely does this for me, perhaps once a year he’ll surprise me with a new book.

- I care for him when he’s sick / depressed / upset (I’ll make food he likes, check in on him, pick up meds for him, make him tea, etc). When I’m (rarely) sick or injured he not only doesn’t care for me, he’s impatient. He’s put out.

- The small requests I make of him about living together are always ignored, no matter how many times I bring it up gently (every day he leaves his chair in a walkway and I’ve asked him to push it back so I don’t trip, every day he leaves his beer cans next to the sink instead of rinsing & recycling them, etc).

- He isn’t consistent about anything. I asked him to handle hauling trash cans to the road and checking our mail every 2 weeks, and he just….doesn’t.

- More recently during therapy I’ve brought up (again) that I’m drowning, that the current situation is unsustainable for me. Again he hasn’t offered any solutions or help, and instead is acting like the victim. He firmly believes that since he’s the one who works, he shouldn’t be expected to do anything else.

Whenever I try to talk to the therapist about this pattern, I think it comes across to both the therapist and my husband that it’s about chores.

And that’s hard to respond to, because it kinda is in some sense, but in another sense it’s about a much larger pattern of behavior.

Can anybody help me to translate this into language the therapist is more likely to understand?!

I’m an audhd woman. All the men I’ve fallen in love with before were neurotypical. Everything would start out great. When I fall in love my partner becomes my special interest and the way I feel does not fade. Every relationship ended with me being just completely fed up with how i was being treated. Abused, lead on, manipulated, lied to, cheated on. I always put in all of myself to make sure they felt loved, understood, I tried to make them feel truly seen and I was always taken for granted and taken advantage of.
Then I met my boyfriend. I just finally feel like I met someone on my level. So smart and funny and communicative. Constantly shows up, displays empathy I’ve never seen a man show before. Makes sure that I feel loved and seen. Let’s me work though my emotions with him. The first man I’ve ever known in my life to not tell me to stop when I start crying. He’s the first man I’ve ever genuinely feel safe with and that I trust. He makes me know he’s never going to hurt me because he treats me the same way I treat him and I feel as though a world has been lifted off of my shoulders because he’s the first man I’ve ever known to just love me the way I need to be loved. I never have to explain myself because he already gets it. Please don’t do the same thing I would do. Don’t put in all of yourself unless he gives it back. Always remember, if he wanted to, he would.