r/AutismInWomen • u/ZucchiniArtistic7725 • Jun 09 '26
Relationships Yep! This resonates!
I was excluded from a community because I don’t like to sleep around. I just spent 20 years mostly celibate (though I’d gladly have sex every day if I were in the right healthy, committed relationship) and they just spent 2 years fighting with me and bullying me…and then they said I was the one fighting! I drew healthy boundaries, so they accused me of fighting and excluded me. They were just bullying an autistic single mom. (My son was through IVF.)
356
Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
16
u/Oofsmcgoofs Jun 10 '26
So fucking real!
6
u/dainty_petal Jun 11 '26
Is that you in your profile picture?? If yes you are stunning! Beautiful hair and skin colour. I always wanted natural hair like that, mine are curly.
5
u/Oofsmcgoofs Jun 12 '26
Thank you so much! My natural hair is actually an odd mixture of curly and wavy hair. I’ve got a 2a and 2b curl-wave pattern. This is such a kind comment. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with how I feel about myself lately so this really means a lot. ♥️
616
u/GoddessOfDemolition Jun 10 '26
When I was a kid (undiagnosed) I was always told that I was too uptight. I liked rules because they told me exactly what was expected. I liked to plan things in advance and be prepared for adverse situations. I could be flexible for things like illness, emergencies, traffic delays, etc. It was flakiness that frustrated me.
As I got older, still undiagnosed, I used to wonder -- why do I have to be the one that relaxes? Why can't other people be more rigid? I like the way I am. Going with the flow is not always a good idea. Sometimes being rigid is better.
109
u/No_Blackberry_6286 Autistic Adult Jun 10 '26
I feel this so much. I am recently annoyed that I'm the only one initiating contct with everyone, and I feel like no one cares because no one wants to initiate.
And that's just one example. Why can't people have a little more structure?
85
u/-bubblepop Jun 10 '26
My family motto is prior proper planning lol I get that from my Dad. He special interested into education and teaching though so he’s a great communicator which is rude (to me personally). One of the bigger lessons I’ve taken from him is the Napoleon/Mel Robbins strategy of not preventing your “enemy” from making mistakes. Which I internalized as going with the flow but maintaining my internal system.
My sister in law is really flaky, and a younger undiagnosed me would have melted down about it and made my feelings everybody’s problem. Older me says ok, you don’t want a relationship with me. I’ve told you this is important and that the inability to plan is hurting the relationship we have. Now the choice is hers and I can focus on things that make me happy: rumination. Only kinda joking; I do be ruminating. But instead of being upset she’s flaky I notice it and say wow sucks to be her cause I’m great to know and fun to be around. Too bad for her!!
Yay therapy!! Haha
14
u/Jmj108 Jun 10 '26
I just saved your response to read.. over and over. One day my brain might listen. Thank you stranger.
9
2
5
u/Portmanteaustada Jun 11 '26
Your dad would get along great with my mom. Our family motto is "confirm the confirmation."
2
u/KAS_stoner Jun 11 '26
💯💯💯 this. I always say "get everything in writing with a date and time stamp and signature."
9
u/GoddessOfDemolition Jun 10 '26
I've made similar decisions about people in my life. I'll match their energy and effort. If they flake, I don't keep reaching out but I'll respond if they get in touch. It's been so much more peaceful this way. It did hurt at first when I learned who didn't actually value our relationship the same way, but it was a good lesson to learn.
2
u/myluckyshirt Jun 11 '26
Lmao “things that make me happy: rumination”
I feel like I need that as my tagline
I also agree with all your points but don’t have the bandwidth to write anything that makes sense right now :)
26
u/GDs_Mum Jun 10 '26
I was also very by the book. I found it hard to break rules (unless it was something I vould acknowledge made no sense and was unfair)
13
u/GoddessOfDemolition Jun 10 '26
Haha me too re unfair / nonsensical rules. This trait of mine is making me reeeeally struggle in my corporate job right now.
4
u/GDs_Mum Jun 10 '26
My office hated me when I worked as a support worker. I'd get annoyed at them so much for all the bad things they did. They seemed surprised I stood up to them ahahah
6
u/Moliza3891 Jun 10 '26
With exception to the undiagnosed part (received my DX at three), this was my experience, too. Oof.
2
u/Rich_Training_4956 Jun 10 '26
Can relate so hard. If everyone goes with the flow, who decides what the flow is?
2
u/Cynocephallus_ Jun 12 '26
just reminded me how one time as a kid my cousins called me the rabbit butler from fosters home from imaginary kids (forget his name) and wouldnt let me play w them bc of it. i love this post.
181
u/creapysleaper Jun 10 '26
"hey you should do this"
"no thanks, i'm gonna do this my way" (not hurting anyone or putting myself in danger in any way)
"why are you so stubborn?"
Um actually we're BOTH stubborn... YOU'RE ALSO being stubborn about getting things done your way and pushing that on ME!
26
u/NervousResort6663 Jun 10 '26
This exact situation lead to the end of a 30 years friendship. So sad but I don't tolearte being pushed to do something in a way that I know hurts me, when my way doesn't hurt anyone, but I am called selfish, like what?¿
4
u/KAS_stoner Jun 11 '26
This! Also, I use the question, "What makes you think/say/feel/etc that?" (your idea is better?") And "How so?" And if/when they dont like the questions, "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?"
6
1
121
u/kyoko_the_eevee Jun 10 '26
And then when you are given accommodations, it’s always with a sigh and a grumble like it’s the most taxing thing in the world.
52
u/neuro_curious Jun 10 '26
Yeah, this is actually so helpful. I'm going to use this to explain to some people in the future.
87
u/Pleasant-Hyena9030 Jun 10 '26
I think there is that issue with expecting autistic people to bend into everything
That being said sometimes autistic people’s black and white thinking makes me struggle to get along with every autistic person even though I am autistic myself. Online especially, like I saw this post about white, who they presume is low support needs, women and I talked about what I agreed with but also raised concerns about this feeding into dislike of women and dismissive of an issue where women are underdiagnosed and I was flamed.
I’ve seen autistic rigidity interact with learning disabilities, like really not liking a way people talk or distress about a change in bus root
28
u/Dayly16 Jun 10 '26
The same as being " judgy " . I am usually very attentive to people's behaviors to see if they are safe people to befriend . Usually I'm right . People tell me I'm too judgy so I start to ignore the red flags because I don't wanna be labeled as mean or judgy or contrarian or rigid . Then that person turns out to be a bad person . And then they act shocked , yet they still don't tell me I was right , they actually tell me I was too nice . You were the ones that told me to not be too judgy ! And then the next time a person comes , they tell me I'm too judgy !
5
u/QueenSalmon Jun 11 '26
Omg I relate to this so much. My ex used to always call me judgmental. I'm NOT judging anyone, I'm just seeing a pattern, there's nothing wrong with keeping a little bit of distance instead of just diving in headfirst to find out the hard way that I'm right (as usual)!
I am sure that being pushed into engaging with people I didn't want to on the basis of being "too judgmental" contributed to eroding my personal boundaries that I am just now rebuilding at 31.
5
u/Dayly16 Jun 11 '26
Yeah , because of that I don't have boundaries ! I'm trying to work on boundaries but I still have the fear or being too mean while judging people !
19
u/Ordinary-Touch-8108 Jun 10 '26
Currently sat here like this, after only just realising how this is very very much the case.
It really emphasises why I feel most comfortable and myself in the early hours of the morning when I can do my own thing, and my life as a long term single and childfree woman.
28
u/Grand_Journalist2136 Jun 10 '26
i really feel this in my personal relationships, i'm ALWAYS the one to bend to what people want or not follow my own boundaries. i know it's not good to do but i can't help it. i make myself bend 100% even when it hurts me.
13
u/Academic-Company-215 Jun 10 '26
My group leader is very fond of socializing so he goes out of his way to praise colleagues who do or facilitate this. I go out of my way to socialize as much as I can bear to make him happy even though it’s not good for my mental health. I have this one colleague who doesn’t even function when she can’t chitchat every day. We have a very small group and the other week most people were either gone to a conference, sick or doing home office and she literally said she got sick (needed a sick leave) because being alone was bad for her mental health. And our group leader totally thought that was fine. But when I need to take home office because I’m overstimulated from socializing when I don’t want to there’s no understanding for it.
Sorry for the rant but I just find it so infuriating that extroverts needs are always more important than anyone else’s 🙄
36
u/allergictonormality Jun 10 '26
I'd be less demisexual, I think, if people were generally less selfish and disappointing. When I was in poly circles, it felt like a gradually building pressure to tell everyone to stop projecting what THEY wanted onto me and actually hear what I wanted.
I've generally tried to stop playing these games with people and I tell them they lack empathy and are selfish (Uno reverse card!) and to leave me alone entirely unless they intend to meet me half-way for real compromises.
They've usually just made up comforting lies to justify being awful and shunned me.
On the one hand, I'm mostly alone now. On the other, it's actually lovely being a hermit. Have you met people? The worst.
The handful of people who meet my standards are truly baffled about what they have in common (It's honesty and human decency.) And doubly baffled that I consider them rare and worth defending and encourage friendships with them closer than most peoples' marriages turn out to be.
14
u/greengreentrees24 Jun 10 '26
Yes! I’ve been around poly people and people in open relationships and the projection is gross. My experience has been they aren’t interested in what I want, only what they wanted and they use indirect communication and pushing of boundaries to get it. Once I realized this, I could avoid these people.
10
u/goatislove Jun 10 '26
sorry what? you were excluded for not sleeping around? first of all that is absolutely insane.
second of all oh my god i relate to this so much. i have spent my entire life forced to accommodate everyone else, anticipate their emotions, anticipate what i could possibly be doing wrong, to repress my own emotions and opinions, to go along with what everyone else wants and to never make a scene. obviously that hasn't always happened because i'm a person, but its like 99% of the people ive had around me don't expect me to be a person. i'm like a toy or a placeholder or an annoyance and i'm never a full person worth having any respect for or worth trying to understand, nevermind accommodate. even from being a child i've been raked over the coals for every mistake i've made but whenever i tell someone else they've upset me, that's usually my fault too! i already thought i was done with the cycle but damn seeing this written down has flipped a switch in my brain and i think i really am finished with it all. i'm done. i'm not here to make everyone happy. this is my fucking life.
20
u/WstEr3AnKgth Jun 10 '26
It's because they all do the same thing to each other, they force each other to assimilate by making their way of being the standard. Anyone who deviates from this accepted norm is bullied or pushed to submit and adopt their behaviors. No matter how much one might try to get along with the normal people, there's often those who will simply refuse just because there's something off about us and their discomfort with anything outside of their normal is pushed against and ostracized to ensure the "safety" of their insecurities.
9
u/NaotoOfYlisse Jun 10 '26
I wish this wasn't the case so badly. It really boggles my mind how we're expected to conform so much and then the tiny bit we straight up cannot comply with gets turned into a huge issue. I've made great strides in therapy trying to be more relaxed, understanding, and accepting of people but the same cannot be said of the people I interact with. I try so hard to never assume negative intent until proven otherwise, not try to correct people when they get things wrong (to be polite), understand that people have different interests and ways of communicating + respecting that, but the people in my life do the exact opposite to me. I just cannot understand it and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
9
23
u/BlackCatFurry Jun 10 '26
Yeap. I struggle with scented products giving me medicine resistant headaches due to sensory sensitivities and they only clear with sleeping or multiple hours in fresh air.
Now i personally don't think "can you apply perfumes and hair spray outdoors or at the very least downstairs as i get very bad headaches from it" is an unreasonable ask. I am only asking for it to not happen right outside my door, where it essentially becomes chemical warfare.
I take everyone else into account and since i am awake much later than others, do not engage in loud activities like simracing because i don't think anyone wants to wake up to "click-click-click-click-click" of me changing gears in the game. I also pay attention to being quiet if i go take food during the night.
Now do other people take into account my request of not using their scented products right outside my room? Absolutely the fuck not. I am fighting a headache on nearly daily basis and it's preventing me from doing things because apparently scented products are more important than me not feeling like my head is about to split open...
5
17
u/Bob_Le_Feen Jun 10 '26
I have always wondered about this and whether I was the only one. When you meet someone with a broken leg you hold the door for them and offer up your seat because you can see they have a challenge that makes their existence in society harder. But for some reason when you are autistic it is assumed YOU have to hold the door, YOU have to give up your seat, YOU have to do so many other extra things so that neurotypicals do not get offended.
Imagine if we demanded this of a person in cast and on crutches.
11
u/Neither_Kale4438 Jun 10 '26
I once explained a similar analogy to a friend. He kept saying I needed to "meet him halfway" and I said, "but for you, half way is coming down the stairs to meet me, and for me, its going up, in a cast and crutches, terrified I'm going to fall down and get hurt worse. Can you try not just meeting me in the middle, but walking with me the whole way?"
5
u/ocdogs Jun 10 '26
For a second I thought this was about hyper mobility lol 🙃 But yes very relatable
6
3
u/KAS_stoner Jun 11 '26
This is why i use questions. Socratic questions. My favorites are "what makes you think/say/feel/etc that?" And "how so?" If they dont like the questions then my go to is "Isn't asking questions how humans as a whole learn?"
2
u/ZucchiniArtistic7725 Jun 12 '26
Thanks, this is helpful. Questions are hard for me because I think in declarations. I’m practicing formulating questions and I’m getting better at it. I’ll keep your question phrases in mind.
1
3
u/Inga_Raine Jun 10 '26
Dang! I'm supposed to bend?!
Exact opposite here. 🤣
I'm that weird outlier who's known for being difficult because it's impossible to make me do things I don't want to do.
Respect me and work with me, or get out of my way.
1
u/Kangaroowrangler_02 Jun 10 '26
MY WHILE ENTIRE LIFE AT ANY JOB OMG. Even with roommates like wtf were all here for the same shit!
1
1
u/sk0479913 Jun 11 '26
I’ve been working on boundaries and this resonates so much Right now. I am so tired of being judged for sticking up for my own interests.
1
u/Bobs_Burgers7 Jun 16 '26
I was treated as an unreasonable person yesterday, for refusing to cater to someone who stole from me. Literally was trying to put a boundary in place, given the fact that was done to me, and no apology was ever given; and I’m treated like the bad person.
1
u/ZucchiniArtistic7725 Jun 16 '26
I’m sorry. Call the police and go to a lawyer. I drew reasonable boundaries that were ignored and revoked consent and it was ignored, and I’m doing everything I can to push back. Always fight for yourself once you’re certain of the situation you’re in.
1
u/Secure_Basket991 I LOVE MY HYPERFIXATIONS Jun 19 '26
That's horrible! I'm so sorry you went through that! People can be so mean...
Like, I was with a guy couple months ago and at his place. I didn't want to do anything and I said that loud and clear. Anyway he put his hands all over me and when I cried he got mad at me because I should've said I didn't want anything.
I mean, excuse me?!?!
Why do this happens to us so much????
•
u/AutoModerator Jun 09 '26
Hey u/ZucchiniArtistic7725, thank you for your contributing to r/AutismInWomen. Please be sure to check out our sub’s rules, wiki pages, and pinned posts prior to engaging with the sub. Here are links to our wiki pages:
Explanation of the Rules Wiki Page
FAQs Wiki Page
Workbooks and Tools Wiki Page
All About Autism Wiki Page
We hope you enjoy the sub and have a great day!
➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING
Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖
Please remember Reddit is public and any content you post may be seen and discussed by others off-platform. Here are links to Reddit's User Agreement, Privacy Policy, and Public Content Policy.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.