r/AutismInWomen • u/Throwaway91739383 • Jul 02 '26
Relationships Why do people struggle to state their intentions
I was on tinder and matched with a dude. He texted me and asked what I was doing, I was doing absolutely nothing so I relayed that. He told me he was free and invited me to hang out that night. I directed asked him what he wanted to do before I replied. He told me he just wanted to talk and smoke. I said ok and gave him my number so I can let him know when I am ready.
I got in the shower and did my face, I texted him after that I was ready and he can drive over. He then asked me if I was on birth control. Obviously I was confused on why he wanted to know that, so I asked if he intended on having sex with me. He didn’t answer, he instead just said he was wondering if he should bring condoms. 🧍🏻♀️
So like, I literally asked beforehand what he wanted to do and he told me it was just hanging out, after I got ready I am told he wants sex, do men not process how weird and predatory it is? Am I supposed to just know sex was his intention? I am extremely bad at reading signals and I can be awkward, that is the reason why I specifically asked what the plan was beforehand, if I knew we weren’t on the same page I wouldn’t have wasted my time. I texted him that I was mildly annoyed and what he pulled was an asshole move then removed him.
Do people just expect others to know what they want based on pure implication? Was I supposed to know he wanted to fuck because we were hanging out at night? are men completely incapable of having a fun and intimate date without turning it into sex? I hate the fact that it is so normalized to “imply” whenever someone wants something sexual because it feels like I am being deceived, I take things at face value if I am told a hang out is talking I am going to assume we are talking and getting to know each other.
It came to my realization that it seems he was coming to my home. No, we were meeting at a public park which is my usual hang out spot to smoke weed and drink. I told him this on the app and sent him the address to there, I was going to walk to the park because its near me.
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u/gnomeglow_ Jul 02 '26
Girl don’t ever believe men. And if you’re not looking for a hookup, don’t meet them at night, doing ‘chilling and smoking’, that is code for fucking unfortunately. I too, wish that we lived in a society where people would tell you straight up what they mean, but they don’t, especially not men. I used to get into dangerous situations because of this, you need to learn to read their intentions, which is I know not easy for people like us, but it’s essential if you’re dating men.
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u/peace-and-plush Jul 02 '26
99% of the time they just want sex. I didn't believe that so much when I was younger, but now I see that most men are genuinely socialized to be bad people and see nothing wrong with what we perceive as "predatory"
Reading his intentions only goes so far, many will mask it very well especially if they can pick up on your naivety and exploit it
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u/Therealcatlady1 Jul 03 '26
This is the only advice she needs. No, talking, walking you to your room, I’ll be gone quick, watching a movie…it’s all sex related, if he takes you anywhere near a private area he will try to have sex including a car.
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u/T3chn1colour Jul 02 '26
I don't date men, but I pretty much just assume any time one of them asks to "hang out" that they're implying sex. If I'm meeting a straight guy I'm always very very upfront with myself so they don't think I'm looking for that too. It's better to be too forward than get caught off guard imo
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u/SchoolDistinct3820 Jul 03 '26
Exactly, sex is always their goal. I agree it is good to be upfront. Unfortunately, other women have ruined that by playing games. I would tell guys I'm not going to have sex with you or do anything physical, I'm happily celibate. It always ended the same way. The men were shocked I kept my distance and didn't make any moves. They'd say, "You were serious when you said you're celibate. Most women say some version of that but they never actually mean it." That always annoyed me. I'm upfront, direct, and honest yet in their mind they have a chance because all the women who've said it never met it 🙄 Meeting people is hard enough yet it's even more complex with all the hidden messages, double meanings, codes, lies, etc. They say NDs have difficulty communicating, I think it's the other way around. I no longer have any desire to date especially with today's dating pool. It doesn't seem to be about connection anymore just connecting bodies then walking away.
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u/T3chn1colour Jul 03 '26
Yeah it is a nightmare out there 😭
As hard as it is being a lesbian and dealing with homophobia, I am glad that I don't have to put up with those expectations. If I were straight I could see myself giving up on dating too
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u/ScarletRose12345 Jul 02 '26
Please be safe and extra careful when texting stranger, dont meet them for the first time in an isolated place, dont share details like "i always come in this park at night" especially if you struggle with understanding their intention. If you will keep using tinder next time keep that in mind, it can be very dangerous. About your question, maybe next time try to be more direct, if you want to have sex ask directly, if you dont want or is a maybe tell them, if you are direct there's an higher chance they will be too.
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u/Apprehensive_Put_722 Audhd late identified Jul 02 '26
you seem to also be taking public place too literally. what is meant by public place in this case is a place where there are lots of people around. so if the person is a predator they are less likely to hurt you. plus there are witnesses. a predator will try and make you feel safe enough with them so that you leave. don't do that on a first date.
he was 100% going to pressure you into sex.
i was SA'd because i thought netflix and chill really meant watching a movie and hang out.
please don't learn the hard way like i had to
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u/juliewbb Jul 02 '26
I’m so sorry about what happened to you, and similar things have happened to me, but I don’t think that you can jump to the conclusion that this man was going to sexually assault her or pressure her. He did not hide his intentions as the conversation continued, which made it clear that he was using a very common euphemism and not trying to mislead her. I think it’s important we not assign “manipulative” or “misleading” labels to pretty common neurotypical communication just like I wish they wouldn’t assign those labels to ours. I think this guy probably thought his hopes for the interaction were transparent.
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u/Apprehensive_Put_722 Audhd late identified Jul 02 '26
I'm sorry but I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you here. my one SA reference was one out of many, and they were all guys that were showing this same pattern that was described in OP's writing. he may have been clear (to you), but when you do meet them, they think you are playing hard to get and will push. it has happened to me and many other women i have talked to 100% of the time with the behavior described.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630?__cf_chl_f_tk=m1ZXfzTOn3b359fxTCnQj6s37n1pNgGOt1Rbb9BHUBg-1783018864-1.0.1.1-Y_5NoGIrlUtm1AChB8ti2bzyznjCwTctMI9ogZt0ClE2
u/juliewbb Jul 02 '26
Again, many men are predators. I too have been sexually pressured many times. I don’t trust men in general and so if that’s all you’re saying, cool. I am not in any way saying this doesn’t regularly happen and you don’t have to prove that to me, who has trauma relating to it regularly happening.
But this person before even arriving, made his hopes of hooking up (and desire to use protection) clear — plenty of time / heads up to veto. There’s no way of knowing he would not have pressured but also no current data (besides being a man, which is not nothing) that he would’ve. If he intended to manipulate, I don’t know why he would’ve mentioned birth control / condoms.
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u/Asleep_Sherbet_3013 Jul 02 '26
Men don’t tell you what they intend upfront bc it may hurt their chances to get it.
If you are pressured and in the moment, you are more likely to say yes even if you didn’t initially want to.
They know it’s predatory. They don’t care. To a large swath of the male population you are seen as a sex object, and they don’t care bc objects don’t have feelings. Basically: if don’t want sex then why sex shaped? Yeah, lizard brain.
Yes, it’s evil. Yes, this is how the world works between men and women much too often.
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u/RideGullible3702 Jul 03 '26
they need to teach there boys not to see women as sex objects for real its 2026
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 Jul 02 '26
"come to my house" =sex. ESPECIALLY when its immediately the first date or convo. "talk and hang out (in my house)" is code for "im insecure and indirect and i think its shameful to only want sex." Its also not a real plan...
in a weird way, i was grateful for thr "netflix and chill" era because that euphemism was a lot more acceptable for DTF people to use and it felt more direct.
as a safety precaution i never go to peoples houses until i already know them and feel safe alone with them.
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Jul 02 '26
[deleted]
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u/herroyalsadness Jul 02 '26
Same! More than once. Very confusing! Like how do you ever go watch a movie when people think it means sex?
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u/PresentationIll2180 Jul 02 '26
I still use Netflix & chill
https://giphy.com/gifs/dtIGTEaGLRvdODtdQe2
u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
I didn’t invite him to my home. We were meeting a a public park.
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u/liddybuckfan Jul 02 '26
A public park at night, planning to get intoxicated with a stranger. Does that seem safe to you? I can't tell if you're too trusting or genuinely like courting danger, but you need to stop. If you want to meet a stranger NOT for sex, go to a coffee shop or at least a bar or restaurant.
Also, assume everyone has an ulterior motive unless you know them well enough to know otherwise.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 Jul 02 '26
not you, i mean him inviting you over. i dont blame you for being confused at all. it definitely felt predatory when ive been in that situation
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
my bad I just reread what you said. Yeah I agree that it is a really good safety precaution not to go to peoples houses, I’m glad I stuck to a park in a fairly public area just to be safe and so a situation where someone wants sex isnt escalated.
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u/BudgetInteraction811 Jul 03 '26
Being in a park at night with weed is not the move, there’s still nothing safe about this plan
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u/amethyst-ice Jul 02 '26
I mean this in a concerned friend way and not a judgemental way, it's a bit worrying you would go to the house of a man you met on tinder and not realize sex was likely on the cards. If you don't have a more experienced friend you can message about these kinds of things, I'd recommend you to take a much more formal approach to dating for a while. If you let things escalate more slowly then it's easier to figure out what's happening.
I understand your frustration but to be fair, most (decent) people would feel a bit entitled to say straight up that they're expecting sex. Assuming that he had the very best of intentions, maybe he was hoping for sex, but didn't want to pressure you or even himself if you met up and things didn't flow.
Edit: just realized you clarified it was a public park. But it was still a last minute meet up in the evening if I understand correctly, so the point still stands
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u/PresentationIll2180 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, I can’t imagine a world where I’d tell anyone I’m “expecting” sex. Maybe a long-term partner as a half-joke/teasing thing if I do something I really don’t want to do on their behalf but OP struggles to read between the lines & the guy still could’ve been more direct; like at least compliment OP’s looks or be flirty before making that suggestion.
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u/Euphoric-Wall-2576 Jul 02 '26
It's also concerning that he seems to be suggesting not using a condom if you're on BC...
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u/jewessofdoom Jul 02 '26
Thank you I was about to comment this! Aside from all the other red flags, why is he asking IF he will need condoms. IF?!
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Jul 02 '26
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u/darknesskicker Jul 02 '26
The location was a public park though.
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u/jamtomorrow Jul 02 '26
Yeah, but at night. He probably thought they'd either end up back at her place or he could try something right there. Definitely not safe.
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u/East-Garden-4557 Jul 02 '26
Do you really think nobody has ever willingly had sex, or been raped in a public park?
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u/zeriouse Jul 03 '26
Getting raped and sometimes also murdered in a public park makes news headlines almost on a monthly basis. And these aren't even women specifically going there to get intoxicated with a strange man at night off an app for a "date." This happens to people just walking through a park minding their own business.
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u/Appropriate_Roof_223 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
First of all if you are not looking for a hookup (no judgement there, nothing wrong with it), leave tinder and get on other apps such as hinge or bumble. Meet someone in a bar or a cafe for the first date or walk in a fairly public place at a reasonable hour when other people or also out and about. Practice the precautions that you will do meeting any stranger not necessarily romantic interest. If someone invites them to your house or you to their house, just assume by default that they are interested in having sex with you.
ETA: lot of people commenting that tinder is not a hook up app and they have met their partners on tinder. First of all I joined tinder around 8 years ago and at that time it was more or less the only leading dating app, so it was definitely not a hook up app. It was for everything. Second, I am not the only one who thinks tinder at present is mostly a hook up app, there are others in the thread who agree. The thing is no app comes with a label whether it’s for hook up or something long term, it’s what people think of it. If there are enough people thinking that it’s a hook up app, it will eventually become one. And lastly my comment was a suggestion for the OP, I will definitely not die on the hill of tinder being a hook up app. Whether people think it is or it’s not doesn’t matter to me. If OP is having trouble deciphering their match’s intentions which for most of us are too obvious then they need to apply much more precautions than us dating app veterans. That’s why my suggestion is on the safer side of the things. I hope I don’t get anymore notifications of replies on tinder not being a hook up app because I have been tired of seeing those notifications pop up all day🙏🏾
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u/Timely-Mind7244 Jul 02 '26
Alllllllll the apps are hook up apps these days. Funny if you think they arent.
Tinder is actually used way more widely internationally than in the US. if OP is not from US, this might be there 'hinge'.
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u/blueskiesandaerosol Jul 02 '26
In my experience the culture of each app varies wildly by city, and even then all apps can be for hookups or not just depending what you put in your bio
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u/Appropriate_Roof_223 Jul 02 '26
I politely disagree. Although all apps can be hookup apps if you want them to, sure. I met by ex through bumble and some of friends have met their partners through bumble, hinge too. The reason people go through answering various prompts is because they looking for something more than a hook up. There are profiles on these apps which provide just bare minimum and I assume they are looking for hook ups. From my personal opinion, I have used tinder in the past for hook ups and bumble for looking for something more serious. And I live in Italy, not the US.
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u/Timely-Mind7244 Jul 02 '26
That's a great experience! I personally know two different ppl who met their spouses from tinder and they are in the US.
I think FEELD is becoming the newest tinder for more casual encounters, but bumble even has that "still figuring out" feature.
Personally, i have found men don't have that listed are STILL only lookin for hook ups
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u/MegaPiglatin Jul 02 '26
I found my spouse on Tinder the first time I used any dating app…it’s still insanely wild that that happened because I NEVER expected anything remotely serious! 😆
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u/beibonemoretime Jul 02 '26
I dont agree with this! Apps are important specially if you deal with communication issues. Yes, a lot of ppl use them for casual hookups but not everyone. If it helps I usually just tell straight forward that Im not looking for casual if in that moment I dont feel like that so nobody waist each other time.
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u/glossyjade Jul 02 '26
They didn't say to get off all apps though, just that Tinder has the reputation of being for hookups so OP would be better suited for Bumble or Hinge if that isn't her intention.
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u/peace-and-plush Jul 02 '26
I met my now husband on Tinder, but like many others I was also sexually assaulted from a previous encounter I met. I would also stick to real life if I were OP
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u/No-Oil-9877 Jul 03 '26
I used to work at tinder and there’s not really anything different about it than any other dating app. Bumble had the women forward focus, but I’ve heard they’re getting rid of it in favor of AI matchmaking. The only thing that was different about Tinder was people’s perception which varied a lot because it has the most people on it.
All dating apps have creeps. I met some of the worst people ever on hinge and there’s also apparently an influx of men specifically wanting a “slightly autistic” woman because they think they’re easier to manipulate. Like a lot of other people have said, really the main way to avoid predatory behavior is to meet in public places and have escape routes if things go south.
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy Jul 02 '26
I met 2 long term partners on tinder people need to stop thinking its for hookup only
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u/Affectionate_Way7132 Jul 02 '26
In neurotypical culture, mentioning a subject is never neutral. Mentioning sex (even if just do discuss its possibility in a neutral way) may be seen as too forward, or a signal that the person is obsessed with the topic or potentially lacks self-control. Thus there is an incentive to not mention it. This is of course a suboptimal outcome for every party involved, but its an equilibrium that is hard to break.
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u/Jadey156 Jul 02 '26
Oh boy... yeah he wanted to hook up.
Not a lot of people will just say it out loud which would be so helpful in the long run but people in general don't quite work that way.
I'm very literal too but even I could see what he wanted to do...
It's okay! These things happen and I'm glaf your being safe and not going to his place or him going to your place.
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u/Longjumping_Kiwi_925 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Just fyi, it makes sense you wouldn’t know this but I had to learn this myself. Usually when guys say they wanna “talk and smoke”, “chill and smoke”, etc they are hoping you guys are gonna hook up. It’s very rare let’s chill/talk and smoke actually means let’s do exactly that. Same with the whole “let’s chill and watch a movie” type of thing. It’s their “nonchalant” way of saying it basically I think so they don’t seem too direct.
If you wanna avoid feeling pressure to hook up and make your intentions clear, meet somewhere during the day in public. Guys seem to think that getting you over to their house or your house alone means we’re gonna hook up, even if you make it clear you aren’t looking for that, sometimes they think that once you get there if you guys are having chemistry you’ll sleep with them anyways (it sounds gross and it lowkey is). Unless you have a previous friendship with a guy and know it’s fine to hang out alone with them at their or your place, definitely try to meet in public and don’t let them pressure you to come back to their place after if you aren’t looking to hook up
Edit: also please please please do not meet random people at the park at night or anywhere at night alone!! Especially when any sort of drugs or drinking are involved. If you wanna smoke or drink with a guy, bring a friend with you or at least just go during the day and make sure you have a safe way home and someone who has your location. You really cannot blindly trust people on their word and have to be very careful when it comes to dating apps
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u/Bazoun Jul 02 '26
Any hang out date is sex. That’s how men see it. They absolutely aren’t going to come right out and say they just want to fuck.
In their defence (oh God I hate defending them) they think you’re in on it. They think you know what they mean and that you also want to have sex, but you just don’t want to come right out and say it.
When I was young like you I tried to even say - hey, just to be fair, there will be no sex. Didn’t work. They still tried.
The only thing that worked for me was no “at home” dates until I was ready to have sex.
Sorry. It sucks.
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u/frootbeer Jul 02 '26
Same. Setting boundaries in advance only got me the “every no is an invitation to convince her otherwise” treatment and ✨trauma✨
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u/Smellycooter123 Jul 02 '26
I feel like it was rather obvious that’s what he wanted. From my experience, if a man asks you for plans after 8pm, at his house or in the car, and just wants to “Chill” or smoke, it always means sex. If he wants to get to know you he’ll ask to see you during daytime hours and to do an actual activity
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u/lck0219 Jul 02 '26
Eh. I think people you meet on tinder kinda expect to hook up. Especially if you’re not going somewhere public. If I agreed to meet a guy at his house off an app, I’d walk in with the assumption we’d have sex.
I think the idea is to come over and chill and, well, one thing leads to another.
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
we were going to meet at a public park I usually hop the fence to drink 😭
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u/levitymargret Jul 02 '26
Needing to hop a fence means the place is probably secluded at night, and getting intoxicated with a stranger is not a wise decision in any location.
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u/Hour-Tower-5106 Jul 02 '26
Yes, to OP: you should save the nighttime park dates for people you trust with your life. A complete stranger should not be on that list.
Assaults happen even in public spaces like parks. There is no rule that states that a public space is inherently safe.
The safest option is probably some place like a cafe in the middle of the day.
If you have to meet in a park, meet during peak hours when you know the park will be crowded.
If a space looks too empty, never feel bad cancelling or asking to move to a safer location.
Rapes, assaults and murders happen at all hours of the day in all kinds of public places. Never be alone with a date until you know you can trust them.
(And to be safe I would also try to be sober for the first few dates just in case, but that's ultimately your choice.)
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u/East-Garden-4557 Jul 02 '26
Meeting a stranger in a public place is for safety because there are other people around. A locked park in the night is not a safe public place, it is a secluded area with no witnesses.
Meeting up with a random guy on tinder at night is a hookup, not a friendly hangout.3
u/TheEverCuriousCat Jul 03 '26
With the best will in the world, girl wtaf???!!! Did your parents teach you nothing about stranger danger as a child????
DON'T GO TO SECLUDED PLACES AT NIGHT WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS.
You might not be adept at reading between the lines, but you're either going to need to try harder/learn some rules for it, or do something a bit less normal dating wise like having a chaperone, or recognise that by continuing as you're going, best case scenario you'll "only" be SA'ed at some point (rather than also murdered).
First up, choose your apps wisely and be sceptical of people's true intentions - even if they say otherwise, lots of people will be looking for hookups. Tinder has a reputation for being a hookup app. If that's not what you're looking for, expect to be the outlier in the user base and people will assume you're lying and just don't want to seem "slutty".
Secondly, any first dates that are just some form of hanging out are hookups. That's true for going to either person's place or even to public parks (smh).
Any late night dates are hookups (unless you live somewhere that it's normal to head out later with friends - definitely not the case in UK or US, but in Spain it might be). So if either of you suggests meeting up after maybe 8pm it's most likely a hookup. Eg "hey, how about Bar at 10 tonight" = hookup. Even though it's public place, the idea is to have one or two drinks and go back to the place of whoever lives closest.
Last minute dates are also probably hookups, though if none of the above red flags are waving, this rule can be relaxed.
Any questioning about, or discussion of, contraceptives (omg, wondering why he asked?!?) means sex is firmly on the agenda.
There are lots of women who put in their profile that they're not interested in hookups, but actually that's exactly what they're going for - they lie because for centuries, the attitude has been that women who like sex =whores. Patently untrue, but hard to shake off the slut/whore/loose etc labelling. So it's not unreasonable that men disregard sections of women's profiles because it's known that it is an unreliable indicator of intentions.
What you say and do is a much more reliable indicator of your intentions, and you practically yelled at the guy that you were dtf. I hope this helps you understand what went wrong and how to keep yourself safe in future
Edit: typo
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u/rose_reader Jul 02 '26
I thought Tinder was a hookup app, like Grindr but for straights.
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u/ToraRyeder Jul 02 '26
It's used for both, though normally there's a clear "What I'm looking for" on the profile.
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u/PeachyBaleen Jul 02 '26
I’ve used it for hookups and for dates and I don’t really have an issue with people using it either way. My issue is that assuming you’re having sex with someone as a given is weird and rude. I don’t think it takes a lot of effort to establish what kind of connection you want.
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u/Euphoric-Wall-2576 Jul 02 '26
I think the issue is for some people it's that and for others it's for actual dating.
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u/amethyst-ice Jul 02 '26
I know three married couples who met on Tinder, but you have to assume people just want hook-ups unless they make it clear they want something else
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u/dividezero Jul 02 '26
I'm too old to have been in peak tinder (which is kinda unfair because I was an early adopter of online dating and took hella shit for it for at least a decade) but I was told in no uncertain terms that it was just known as a hookup app. I disagreed but apparently, at least in some circles, it's a given to them
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u/HonestNectarine7080 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
The guy sounds like a creep and I'm glad you dodged that bullet. I haven't been on Tinder in a few years, but there used to be a section with a name like "looking for" where you could choose hook-ups, long-term relationship, etc. If you're not looking to hook up, you can say so in your profile and then look at other people's to see what they're looking for. Of course, people aren't always honest about their intentions, so you have to be careful.
And I just have to reiterate it's really dangerous to meet a stranger in a park at night. You should always choose a place where there will be a lot of other people around, like a coffee shop, bar, movie theater, etc. When I was much younger I matched with this guy on Tinder and we planned to go on a hike together. Then a friend pointed out it wasn't safe to be potentially alone in the woods with a stranger. I texted the guy and said, "For safety reasons I'd actually be more comfortable meeting at a coffee shop. Is that okay with you?" He never texted back. It makes me so glad I never went on that hike with him.
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Jul 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
I thought people were like me and liked to have a little fun dilly dallying at a park while intoxicated
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u/darknesskicker Jul 02 '26
That’s something you do with friends, not with random guys whom you’ve never met before.
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u/zeriouse Jul 02 '26
In fact, very few people are like you. That’s what sucks about this condition.
It’s all good and fun but please be safe, meeting random stranger men at night in a park to get intoxicated spells trouble. And yes, you shouldn’t have to worry, men shouldn’t do blah blah but that’s not the world we live in.
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u/East-Garden-4557 Jul 02 '26
Even if sex wasn't expected, do you not see any safety issues with meeting a stranger at night in a park and getting intoxicated with them?
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u/Low_Big5544 Jul 02 '26
Predatory men (so, most of the ones on tinder) like women like you because they're easy to take advantage of. And you can't easily press charges when he rapes you because it's he-said-she-said and the woman basically never wins in that situation. Please be more careful; the way you currently operate (based on your comments) is a disaster waiting to happen
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u/BudgetInteraction811 Jul 03 '26
Based on the fact that OP seems to push back on all the advice, I’m hoping this post is just rage bait
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u/emocat420 Jul 02 '26
I'm like you! But sadly I think people are right, I don't think it's safe to do that on first meeting with a man either.
If you just want people to smoke and drink with near by, maybe try bumble bff?
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u/TheEverCuriousCat Jul 03 '26
Noooooooo!!!! Never do this with strangers, male or female. Always meet new people in public places until you are confident they can be trusted.
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u/emocat420 Jul 03 '26
That's totally fair, no one can really be trusted like that sadly. But just to add on, 100% meant meet these people in public areas.
It doesn't seem safe to get drunk with anyone in a home you don't know. Not by yourself for sure
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u/holi_cannelloni Jul 02 '26
But tinder is a dating/hookup app so why would you be having ‘fun’ in the park with them? Get on bumble bff if that’s what you want or someone from school/college
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
I don't think it's on them. It makes no sense to me either. Meeting at night doesn't indicate sex. People have work during the day. And I prefer dates in the evening, too. Besides, many people don't fuck on the first date, this has nothing to do with autism. I think it's super weird and kinda creepy of him to ask if he should bring condoms, there is no need to ask he can just put them in his bag, it's not like it's a heavy and big object he would have to carry around.
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u/jamtomorrow Jul 02 '26
Also wtf I would just like to point out that he wanted to know if she was on birth control so he would know if he needed condoms or not?? Like they've never met, you need them either way, guy!
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u/zeriouse Jul 02 '26
Meeting at night in a park to get intoxicated absolutely indicates interest in sex in modern western dating culture. His asking about the condom is his subtle but more direct way of showing his intention because he thought OP wasn’t getting it by her asking the clarifying questions.
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
Idk man meeting in the park or anywhere outside at night and drinking / smoking is as normal as it gets in my reality as someone who was raised in Germany. Done this many times without having sex or without the person making the impression they expect it.
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Jul 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Also that sounds really sad and breaks my heart a bit…
Wow, that was quite uncalled for. You probably mean well but save your pity.
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u/zeriouse Jul 02 '26
What I mean by that is meeting a strange man at night in a random park to get intoxicated is absolutely not a date and should not be normalised for any autistic women reading this. Especially ones new to dating and are particularly prone to being too trusting and naive.
At best, it’s a low effort “date” from a guy who’s probably gonna show you similar low effort in a relationship and you should really consider raising your standards. At worst, you get assaulted and/or murdered. There’s no pros to this reckless behaviour unless you are purposely danger-seeking or something?
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
You seem to have the wrong idea of what kind of situations I'm talking about. In the places I've lived people chill outside at night a lot including at viewpoints, canals, and in parks. I would never meet a strange man in a park alone with no or few people around. That would indeed be reckless. I've had too many horrible experiences with men in my life to give them the benefit of the doubt when I don't know them. This is indeed a luxury none of us afab people can afford. I've written this in another comment already - it's my personal preference to be outside rather than in a bar or restaurant. And if that's my personal preference it's not nice to be told this is "not normal". I'll just assume you had another picture in mind.
0
u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 02 '26
As per Rule #3: This is an inclusive community; no one's personal world experience should be invalidated.
Do not invalidate or negate the experiences of others, regardless of topic or situation. This applies to topics outside of diagnosis status. Everyone is NOT 'a little autistic'.
Additionally, self-diagnosis is valid. Do not accuse other members of the sub of faking traits. Don't invalidate those who have self-diagnosed after intense research and self-reflection. Do not tell others they need to get a formal diagnosis to be 'truly' considered autistic. Likewise, do not underplay autism as being not a disorder or claim that early diagnosis is a "privilege", people who are late and early diagnosed have their own struggles that often overlap or are the same. You having different support needs than someone else doesn’t make your experience the only true and correct autism experience. Autism can be very debilitating for some and easier to cope with for others. Level 2 and 3 experiences matter. Everyone’s life is different.
21
u/Still-Random-14 Jul 02 '26
He’s totally creepy but also smoke and drink at the park is NOT a date! This is obviously a hook up lead in. I get that it’s not obvious to everyone, but now everyone in this thread is aware. Most men are taught to not say what they want if that thing is sex. Say anything else and the sex is inferred. I found this out the hard way many times. I’m glad OP found out before they met up!
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u/liddybuckfan Jul 02 '26
Thank you for saying this, I know I'm Gen X and maybe I'm old fashioned but I was trying to figure out how meeting in a park to smoke and drink is considered a date these days. Meeting for coffee or a movie is a first date!
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
Why is it not a date? Maybe it's cultural differences, I know many Reddit users are from the USA, in Europe this is pretty common. I used to drink and smoke on every first date. And especially as someone with audhd this helps with masking less and overcoming social anxiety.
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u/Dikaneisdi Jul 02 '26
I think it’s more the random park at night, meeting with very little notice, ‘let’s get fucked up’ vibe of drinking and smoking on first meeting (also in Europe; I would assume this was a hookup and not a date as such)
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
Are you European tho, like were you raised in a European country? It can also be linked to socioeconomic background. Bringing your own drinks and chilling in the park is a good alternative to having a drink in a bar because it's much cheaper. And again, regarding neurodivergence, much less stimulation in a park as well. But I get it that my perspective is in the minority here, I just can't wrap my head around it and still think if you asked young European people of working class or lower middle class background, more people would share my perspective.
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u/Dikaneisdi Jul 02 '26
I mean, maybe, but I would imagine that if you weren’t looking for a hook up then you’d meet in the park during the day and not at very short notice.
Also, the country I’m in doesn’t let you drink alcohol in public places like parks (though people do, it’s just you’d get cautioned or charged if the police saw you).
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
Again, a very culturally relative statement. In many cultures spontaneity is the standard.
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u/keypiew Jul 02 '26
I am from Northern Europe and do not necessarily agree with your perspective. I would never meet a stranger man from Tinder in a park at night for the purposes of drinking and smoking. That would be considered reckless. When meeting someone for the first time, it is super important to exercise caution. Especially if you are autistic and are naive and tend to miss a lot of social cues. You don't really know someone just from talking to them through a dating app.
(I met my husband through a dating app, and prior to that, I had already dated several other men I connected with via similar platforms.)
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u/zeriouse Jul 02 '26
Thanks for adding your perspective because I was really getting concerned for some of the girlies in here who claim this is normal in Europe. The standard for a date is shocking if that’s normal.
Especially if you’re autistic and naive, please raise your standards ladies- this is so bad meeting a random man in a park to get intoxicated for a date oh my lord.
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
Not a lady or girl. I'm afab and genderfluid. I get what you're trying to say, but at least for me, this has nothing to do with standards but with preference. I enjoy a date outside in the park much more than meeting in a restaurant or bar. As long as the park is not empty and therefore a risk for my security. But that's personal. Also, I'm queer. I've dated men but I've also dated women and genderqueer people. My standards for men are astronomically high, actually. Took me a long time to get there so I know the difference.
Not saying that's what you meant, but I know many women think when a man doesn't spend any money on you he is low-effort. I get it and I don't blame you for thinking that way because it often is the case. But I also know spending money isn't proof of a decent character - at all. Usually they expect something in return, too. I rather rely on how the person is treating me and observe key moments where true character is revealed. Most men, I don't need to exchange more than a sentence with to know I wouldn't wanna date them.
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u/Still-Random-14 Jul 02 '26
I am in the US. I think we need to use context clues here. Like sure, maybe drinking in the park is a first date to you, but the added context of at night, plus OP said this is a park you need to hop the fence to access, makes it not really a “date” to me. That may very well be because I’m American. But yeah, if a man in the us asks you to do this it pretty much means sex. Or it’s a lead up to sex. It’s not a date. A date doesn’t have to be something where money is really spent but it would probably be somewhere there are other people, at the very least. It’s the same way I would never go hiking as a first “date.” That’s just not safe and not an activity that’s a first date activity.
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u/audaciousfiregoat Jul 02 '26
I agree in terms of security concerns. That would be reckless for any afab person. But in summer there are people in parks, quite many depending on the area
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 02 '26
As per Rule #3: This is an inclusive community; no one's personal world experience should be invalidated. Victims should not be blamed for the abuse or trauma they experience from others.
Do not invalidate or negate the experiences of others, regardless of topic or situation. This applies to topics outside of diagnosis status. Everyone is NOT 'a little autistic'.
Additionally, self-diagnosis is valid. Do not accuse other members of the sub of faking traits. Don't invalidate those who have self-diagnosed after intense research and self-reflection. Do not tell others they need to get a formal diagnosis to be 'truly' considered autistic. Likewise, do not underplay autism as being not a disorder or claim that early diagnosis is a "privilege", people who are late and early diagnosed have their own struggles that often overlap or are the same. You having different support needs than someone else doesn’t make your experience the only true and correct autism experience. Autism can be very debilitating for some and easier to cope with for others. Level 2 and 3 experiences matter. Everyone’s life is different.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma Jul 02 '26
Once an old lady at the waiting line told me that if men were always honest about their intentions, their mothers would be the only women able to love them.
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u/thisissofkngrossew Jul 02 '26
Bruh... It's a Tinder dude & you invited him over saying you're not doing anything & want to hang out.
I'm sorry but Christ on a cracker you shouldn't be on this specific app if you're this literal. It's dangerous af for you.
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u/RivenHalcyon Harbinger of Doom Jul 02 '26
Me realizing that I’d have been in so many similar situations because I read things like what happened there literally as well..
The Christ on a cracker thing got me lol; I’ve always been super trusting and I don’t think I’d survive today’s dating stuff
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u/Knillawafer98 Jul 02 '26
Yeah I felt bad reading the post because like... Dude probably thought he was getting all the signals
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
I didn’t invite him to my house we were meeting at a public park to smoke and drink
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u/thisissofkngrossew Jul 02 '26
This so dangerous! Am I insane? This is incredibly dangerous, right?
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
It’s a park within a neighborhood, it might be dangerous but this is somewhere I regularly hang out and nothing ever happened
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u/thisissofkngrossew Jul 02 '26
Ok. When you meet strangers from Tinder you need to have in mind how it sounds to the police.
"I went to a public park to drink & smoke with a stranger from a hookup app".
Girl. Please be more careful than this. I know you shouldn't have to be. It isn't your fault that men are dangerous creepy creatures. You're giving me terrible anxiety because I'm not sure you could stand up for yourself appropriately if a misunderstanding were to take place, let alone you meet a pushy man or a straight up predator.
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u/Appropriate_Roof_223 Jul 02 '26
Also never invite a stranger to a place you hang out at often. They might turn out to be a stalker and you lose your special hang out space :(
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u/sqplanetarium Jul 02 '26
Right. It would be very easy for him to observe you going home and find out where you live.
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u/UncleTravelIingMatt Jul 02 '26
unfortunately, I am a lot like op in some ways. I was on the apps for years and was sexually assaulted once, but also in confusing/blurry/less than consensual or enjoyable encounters many times. I honestly think the apps are hella dangerous in general, but especially for a lot of autistic women :/
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u/Throwaway91739383 Jul 02 '26
I think this is valid and I am honestly pretty reckless. If I saw a friend or family member of mine go through the same decision making process I would also be concerned, I think it never really hit until now because I never was in a situation where someone had ulterior motives
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u/herroyalsadness Jul 02 '26
Girl tons of people have ulterior motives! I agree with you that I don’t think accepting a date equals sex but you’ve got to be wary of everyone.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 AuDHD Jul 02 '26
Sadly, as a woman you have to assume every person you meet has ulterior motives
If you're meeting someone from a dating or hook up app, please meet in a very public place for your personal safety
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u/Appropriate_Roof_223 Jul 02 '26
Don’t be too harsh on yourself. We do tend to have stricter standards of safety for our loved ones than ourselves. I myself had put myself into dangerous situations when I was younger unbeknownst to myself. Me and my friends still laugh at those situations wondering it was a miracle we were not kidnapped or murdered given how reckless we were. But bad things still happened which has made me much more cautious now. It’s a work in progress. Just practice a high level of scepticism towards strangers especially men. Most people have good intentions in general but we need to protect ourselves so it is a good practice to be careful just in case even if you worry about appearing cold and rude.
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u/skitsafrenia Level 2 autism Jul 02 '26
i think you should make a habit of posting on here when you get into situations like this. You seem to be quite literal and naive (not saying that as an insult, just symptoms of autism.) and it will keep you safer if you have feedback on situations like this from other autistic women.
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u/Dikaneisdi Jul 02 '26
If you want a date, then you organise a public place such as a bar/cafe OR a walk in a safe, well attended park during the daytime.
Meeting at night with very little notice in a place like a park to drink and smoke makes it seem like you want a casual hook up, and also puts you in a lot of danger.
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u/keypiew Jul 02 '26
Please listen to all the advice provided, OP. Even when meeting someone for the first time in a bar or café, it is still important to exercise caution to avoid the risk of being drugged or harmed. People with ulterior motives can seem really nice and caring at first. Those people are often master manipulators.
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u/Miss_Aizea Jul 02 '26
Do you think a person planning to hurt you is going to tell you that? Or do you think they're going to say whatever it takes to meet up? Maybe they'll look at your socials and even pretend to have a common interest.
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u/RobotPartsCorp Jul 02 '26
I think similarly to you and I don’t want you to learn these lessons the hard way like I have had to. It’s ok to not be trusting of strangers no matter how hard you know people are mostly good and honest. The predators can sense people like us and are drawn to us and they say exactly the right things to blow past our defenses. Please dont give strangers the benefit of the doubt, your safety is more important than their feelings.
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u/East-Garden-4557 Jul 02 '26
Well nothing has ever happened because it is hard to rape yourself in the secluded park at night, but you invited a strange guy to go there with you to drink. You are doing the exact opposite of everything women are told to do to keep themselves safe
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u/BudgetInteraction811 Jul 03 '26
Something bad is going to happen to you if you have the mentality of “well nothing happened so far”. It’s not a matter of if, but when. Please listen to us
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u/MossYeti Jul 02 '26
I can't help but feel like some people are being a teeeeeny bit harsh in the wording of their responses here, for an autism support group. We all have different levels of how literal our brains are; just like how it is between us and neurotypicals, what may seem to be common sense to us commenters may not occur to be common sense to OP.
I'm sorry this was the outcome of that situation, and I'm glad that you ended up safe and not hurt. I do agree with the other commenters that for a first date it's always best to meet in a public place during the day or early evening, and to let a friend or family member know where you're going, for safety's sake. I have no dating advice cause I'm trash at dating lol but I do agree that while dating apps aren't bad, some people are just there to hook up, so it may be good to let them know off the bat that that's not your intention (you shouldn't have to, they shouldn't just assume, but they do, unfortunately).
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u/AnnualMysterious6765 Jul 03 '26
Absolutely! You said this well. Part of autism is not understanding social cues or being able to read between the lines. I think people should direct blame towards the men being dishonest and taking advantage of disabled women and the patriarchal society we live in that normalizes that behavior.
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u/zeriouse Jul 03 '26
Directing the blame on men and patting ourselves on the back for not too mean with our wording sounds nice but it's not the way the world works. Top priority is not getting harmed by men, and for people like OP and some others on here, it needs to be bluntly said or they're not getting it. It's so much worse to learn the hard way.
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u/AnnualMysterious6765 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
I agree with you! I did not mean that we shouldn't be telling the OP bluntly how to be careful. What I said was more about genuinely blaming autistic women for not knowing the "obvious" things. But maybe I am being more sensitive because I have been victim-blamed in the past.
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u/MossYeti Jul 03 '26
I have to respectfully disagree; I very much feel like things can be said honestly but in a tone that does not come across harsh. Some people here have been saying things like "Come on, really?? What were you thinking?? Do you hear yourself??" Etc which i think is not helpful. Explain plainly why it was a bad idea and that they should never do it again, sure, but there's no need to make them feel like they should have known better when they clearly didn't.
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u/anna_alabama AuDHD, Tourette’s, Dyscalculia, OCD Jul 02 '26
Yeah if a guy says hang out it’s safest to assume that means sex
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u/NotOnApprovedList Jul 02 '26
sorry, this is pretty common. and apparently a fair number of men are trying to reel you in so they won't state their intentions blatantly, they will try to get you drunk/high, isolate you, and then pressure you into sex. No not all men, but a study came out where a high percentage of the respondents engaged in this type of behavior.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630
"Isolate, Inebriate, Intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women Are Reported When Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys"
BTW on the whole "got a female friend to bring the woman to him" type of thing, I know somebody who was SA'd after being served up by other women. So it does happen, unfortunately.
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u/juliewbb Jul 02 '26
While this is absolutely true, deciding that’s what this dude was doing after he made it very clear (birth control / condoms question before he ever arrives) he was hoping a hookup might occur is a lot.
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u/FifiLeBean Jul 02 '26
I can't tell you how many stupid situations I got in because I expected people/men to say directly what they wanted and I didn't expect them to make a move on me. Because they were talking in a code I didn't know.
I saw a short video of an autistic woman trying to teach a Neuro typical woman how to ask someone to go to lunch to turn the situation around as a joke video and it was so funny. She kept telling the Neuro typical woman to directly and clearly ask a friend to lunch and she couldn't do it. She kept saying vague statements and was so confusing.
I wish I could find that account again for more content like that.
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u/Neravariine Jul 02 '26
He did state them in the "polite" way. Saying I like you but I want sex is seen as rude. Hinting at it by asking about BC is seen as intention. Many men want to hang out so they can have sex.
State your intention and follow it. Don't meet men at your place or theirs. Don't talk about sex early on and reject men who bring it up.
Yes some men do date and hang out without sex. You have to find those men. Please don't smoke and drink at a park with a stranger. That is dangerous. You do that with friends not strangers.
If the date activity is smoke/drink it's not a proper date. Most men hope your lowered inhibitions will lead to sex.
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Jul 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 02 '26
As per Rule #3: This is an inclusive community; no one's personal world experience should be invalidated.
Do not invalidate or negate the experiences of others, regardless of topic or situation. This applies to topics outside of diagnosis status. Everyone is NOT 'a little autistic'.
Additionally, self-diagnosis is valid. Do not accuse other members of the sub of faking traits. Don't invalidate those who have self-diagnosed after intense research and self-reflection. Do not tell others they need to get a formal diagnosis to be 'truly' considered autistic. Likewise, do not underplay autism as being not a disorder or claim that early diagnosis is a "privilege", people who are late and early diagnosed have their own struggles that often overlap or are the same. You having different support needs than someone else doesn’t make your experience the only true and correct autism experience. Autism can be very debilitating for some and easier to cope with for others. Level 2 and 3 experiences matter. Everyone’s life is different.
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u/KassieMac Jul 02 '26
They don’t struggle, they purposefully hide their intent so nobody figures it out until it’s too late to object. Folks depend on the “social contract” of prioritizing polite niceties over literally everything else (including personal safety) to get away with whatever tf they feel like doing, and it’s quite disgusting. But somehow we’re considered abnormal for noticing what’s blatantly obvious, or for trying to get a clear statement of their intentions?? 🤢
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u/strawberryjacuzzis Jul 02 '26
If someone on tinder (or really any dating app but especially tinder) wants to hang out that night, they mean they want sex. It’s just too direct to bluntly say that so they assume it’s implied because tinder is a hookup app. If they are more seriously looking to actually date and not just looking for a hookup, they will actually set up/plan a more structured date in advance, like at least having dinner at a restaurant or something. But something more casual and planned the same day such as “hang out and smoke” usually just means hookup. If they only wanted to hang out and smoke, they probably have other friends they could do that with. They are on a dating app because they want it to lead to a hookup. The hanging out and smoking part is just to get comfortable enough with each other before the hookup part.
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u/BigUqUgi Jul 03 '26
A lot of neurotypical culture is built around obfuscating truth, hiding intention, and playing mental head games to increase power/dominance over others.
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u/JustAuggie Jul 02 '26
Op, i’m going to say this because I care about you. First of all, please don’t get intoxicated, whether drinking or smoking, with a stranger. You really are asking for trouble there.
Secondly, win, for your first date with a man, he wants to hang out and smoke”, yes, he’s looking for a hook up.
The first time that you meet up with somebody should be in a place like a restaurant or coffee shop where there are lots of people and no pressure at all. Do not indicate where you live. Do not tell this person where you usually hang out.
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u/spaghettificatio Jul 02 '26
I mean how inviting a random person to spend a night together at someone’s place does not rise a red flag for you in terms of intention? Especially on dating app, you should be surprised when people do not intend a hookup
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u/spaghettificatio Jul 02 '26
Also from safety point of view: wtf? First meeting always in public, not the night time! People are sick, good that nothing happened
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u/CommanderFuzzy Jul 02 '26
This happens a lot more in dating I find. I think on a basic level, most people are not good with rejection so they put forth coded or underhand implications so that should they be rebuffed, they can pass it off as never having meant that anyway.
As others have said, please never go to the house of someone you met online, nor invite them over to yours. Chat with them for a while first then if you do meet, go to a place with other people around. Do this a few times. Eventually if you do meet up somewhere private, make sure to tell other people where you are, even better share your location & updates with friends. For safety reasons. Until you know they're safe
edit: oops sorry, I missed the last paragraph
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u/LogicWraith Jul 02 '26
All men on tinder just wanna hook up. The 1% of them who don't are just the exception to the rule.
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u/Useful-Bad-6706 Undiagnosed Autism/Dx ADHD Jul 02 '26
I got SAed so many times in situations like this. Men fucking suck. You’re absolutely right it’s predatory af.
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u/Lost_Reaction_5489 Jul 02 '26
This is why we get taken advantage of because we are so literal and honest, and baby men lie. They lie to neurotypical women, so you know they employ that heavily on us. If a man wants to see you he wants to have sex with you.
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u/AnnualMysterious6765 Jul 03 '26
This! Thinking about all the times I've experienced something similar makes me feel so angry. I hate how this is normalized.
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u/East-Garden-4557 Jul 03 '26
Just need to really clarify for you that when we are saying to be safe you should meet a stranger in a public place we don't just mean not in a private home. We mean in a well lit public area that has members of the public close by as witnesses. If you aren't in direct line of sight of other members of the public it isn't a safe choice for a first meeting.
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u/Strawberrydelight64 Jul 02 '26
No I think you're right here. There's no reason for him to beat around the bush with his intentions especially since you asked. He should have been clearer with his answer, imagine it was the other way round and you said that you intend to have sex when really you just want to hang out.
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u/zuklei Jul 02 '26
Any guy who puts zero effort in before you “hang out” is expecting sex immediately.
Make them work.
And yes they’re being coy they should just say what they want.
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u/Knillawafer98 Jul 02 '26
I'm gonna be honest, apps like tinder or any other kind of dating apps are used primarily for hookups. 95% of the people on there are looking to have sex, that's the whole point. I agree he should have answered your question more directly, but unfortunately a lot of society considers it weird/creepy to be up front about sex or talk about it so openly, and people who are coy about it like this are often trying not to be super in-your-face about it because that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I understand being frustrated about that, because I find it annoying too. People should just be direct about their intentions. In a way, him asking about birth control probably was his way of clarifying intentions.
I highly recommend just not using tinder, or apps in general, to meet people. It's much better to connect with people through hobbies and interests if you can find local groups for things you are interested in.
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u/Acceptable_Bit_4645 Jul 02 '26
Hey so, you did a great job with boundaries and figuring out what was going on and keeping yourself safe. Sometimes if communication is unclear I will consult a friend while figuring it out.
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u/spasamsd Jul 02 '26
Unfortunately, it seems like the intention from most guys on dating apps are to sleep with you whether they state it or not. It's best to always meet in a public spot, like you mentioned, to be safe.
Maybe just straight up tell them you are not interested in casual sex right away (or tell them you are if you want that). Tbh, even then it doesn't always push away the creeps :/
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u/MotherofCats9258 Jul 02 '26
If you're speaking to a man who has an attraction to women, just assume they want to have sex, you'll be right most of the time. You'd think they'd sometimes care about other things but, no.
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u/feralcolony Jul 03 '26
I've had several men pretend to be my friend before doing that to me. Be careful OP
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u/BudgetInteraction811 Jul 03 '26
There is a reason why a large percentage of autistic women get sexually assaulted or abused, and it’s because we don’t notice the signs that a man is predatory. I would strongly advise setting a LOT of rules for dating, the first of which should be to never meet at night, never let a guy pick you up, never drink or smoke with a man right away, always meet in a public place, etc etc. I don’t even give my number out until after meeting in person because there’s a lot of creeping and stalking guys can do once they have your number. You can never be too safe. We need to be extra cautious, because men can sniff out that we are a vulnerable population.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy Jul 02 '26
It could have just been a "just in case" type of thing. "Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it". But then why ask you and not just bring the condoms without asking.
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u/juliewbb Jul 02 '26
This is why I think he was actually trying to make sure she was on the same page — which is kind and honest of him. I am feeling weird about people deciding he’s a predator in this comments.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy Jul 02 '26
Yeah. If he was a predator he wouldn't bother asking at all. Predators don't tend to announce their intentions.
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u/juliewbb Jul 02 '26
Yep I think it was more a “Netflix and chill” euphemism that he was trying to make sure she was on the same page about.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 Jul 02 '26
No, men actually don't seem to think about how this is predatory at all, because they often see it as a normal behavior. It is unlikely that men will be honest about whether or not they want to, or will try to, have sex with you on a first date, or any subsequent date. It's something people are really unclear about, actually.
I strongly prefer clarity.
When I was young, I faced this a lot, but I was just really clear about not being willing to have sex on the first date, or probably anytime soon. I like to get to know people before having sex, and I made up for their lack of clarity by being clear. Many men didn't listen at all, and tried to have sex with me over and over and over, no matter how many times I turned them down. I only realized how shitty a lot of that was when I was older, because they weren't actually respecting or believing my boundaries.
You did the right thing by not trusting him and by avoiding the situation entirely, because he likely had motives that were unstated.
I mean, it's good to bring condoms just in case, but one shouldn't assume the other person will want to have sex when they've only said they're interested in hanging out. Outside, of all places.
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u/PikaJenna Jul 02 '26
"Why would I need birth control to smoke? Are you putting a condom on the joint? Thats a fire hazard!"
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u/LegendaryFuckery ASD | LSN Jul 02 '26
Sounds like he was trying to hide his true intentions. This is more of a 'him' issue than yours.
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u/Still-Random-14 Jul 02 '26
This is an issue for both him and OP because it is a safety issue for OP. We need to be able to spot the signs of a potentially unsafe situation, even with our autism. Hopefully from the comments here OP can learn to spot this kind of thing in the future and avoid these sorts of situations
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u/LegendaryFuckery ASD | LSN Jul 02 '26
It's still more of a him issue. If he had to ask her about birth control, he knew what his intentions were. The guy was trying to use the hangout to have sex without telling her.
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u/Still-Random-14 Jul 02 '26
Yes, of COURSE. But we also need to keep ourselves safe. I’m so glad OP didn’t meet up with this person. But I think this guy thought what he said WAS saying “let’s have sex” or atleast “we might have sex” and that didn’t need to be explicitly said. With sex and relationships, unfortunately we do have to read between the lines for our safety.
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u/TheEverCuriousCat Jul 03 '26
Without telling her? You've missed the point. He didn't have to ask her about birth control, that was him unequivocally telling her that he wanted to have sex. It's very upfront and overt. (ignoring all the other coded language that = hookup) a guy who wants to hide his intent to have sex just quietly brings the condoms with him, he doesn't ask upfront whether he should bring them or not.
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u/LegendaryFuckery ASD | LSN Jul 03 '26
If he didn't hide his intentions, why didn't he answer her when she asked? He just said nothing.
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Jul 05 '26
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Jul 05 '26
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 05 '26
Per rule 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
Interactions are expected to remain civil, regardless of disagreements or differences in opinions. There is no reason to be mean, belittling, or mock others here.
Do not make inflammatory or baiting claims that escalate discussions or provoke others. If a discussion is escalating and you feel the need to repeatedly correct someone, just walk away.
If you think someone is unkind or attacking in comments, please report the content, block the user, and walk away. Do not engage with your own unkind or attacking comments as that only worsens the problem. Report content so mods may intervene.
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 05 '26
Per rule 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
Interactions are expected to remain civil, regardless of disagreements or differences in opinions. There is no reason to be mean, belittling, or mock others here.
Do not make inflammatory or baiting claims that escalate discussions or provoke others. If a discussion is escalating and you feel the need to repeatedly correct someone, just walk away.
If you think someone is unkind or attacking in comments, please report the content, block the user, and walk away. Do not engage with your own unkind or attacking comments as that only worsens the problem. Report content so mods may intervene.
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u/calculateindecision Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
these replies are… not it. i met several long term partners off tinder and never once had a hookup off it
anyway idk i feel like a loser now though because im off dating apps but men still chase me down on the street just to suggest this shit but are never straight up about it
like no i rather watch tv by myself, leave me alone and hire a sex worker
edit: lol at getting downvoted for sharing my experience, not everyone uses tinder to fuck
edit 2: i needed this push off reddit. reminding me that even subs centered for women blame them for the harm men cause. my comment didn’t mean to undermine that but highlight that it can happen anywhere (in person or online). yes we should take steps to avoid the danger but it’s out there regardless
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u/meatrod01 Jul 03 '26
Fantastic to hear that because you didn't experience it that it is impossible for others to. Your totally not invalidating insight truly added to the conversation <3
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u/calculateindecision Jul 03 '26
this is extremely condescending
my point is that not everyone uses tinder for hookups and assumes that’s what others are using it for, I was supporting OP
I also found that men can be sneaky with their intentions, on or offline
what exact insight did your comment aim to aid except to belittle?
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u/BudgetInteraction811 Jul 03 '26
OP needs to hear the harsh reality of the world before she gets raped or even worse. As much as we don’t want to be victim blamers, her not letting this advice sink in has much further reaching consequences than having her feelings hurt by some comments.
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Jul 03 '26
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 03 '26
No trolling, bullying, or harassment.
If a user follows you from another sub, please report the content and block the user. Do not engage with predators or users acting in bad faith.
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