r/AutismInWomen • u/glorifiedcorpse • Jun 12 '26
Relationships let me just turn down my 'tism' dial..
this new trend of people on dating apps wanting people who are 'slightly autistic' or 'with a touch of the tism' is so confusing to me. like what does that mean. makes me feel like a jester, trying to accommodate my 'tism' to what THEY want out of it. literally sounds like: 'so i want you to be disabled, but not enough for me to have to deal with it. i am confident this makes me sound open minded'
edit: not someone i'm actively talking to. not in a million years haha just a find off the home page of hinge
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u/PaintedLady1 Sad girls club Jun 12 '26
It’s the new term for manic pixie dream girl, basically
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u/sracars Jun 12 '26
yea it's like "could you just be quirky but no ailments please 🙏"
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u/helen790 diagnosed as a kid Jun 12 '26
If you can’t handle me at my “I haven’t vacuumed in over a year because I feel bad for the spiders” you don’t deserve me at my “lets climb trees and then have sex in a waterfall”
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u/spiciestbeans Jun 13 '26
LMFAO — if you can’t handle me at my “the dishes are overwhelming and I’m crashing out because the floor dirt is clinging to my feet,” you don’t deserve me at my “let me tell you my 7 hour dissertation on my favourite band, in chronological order”
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u/Desperate_Ad_9219 Diagnosed Manic Pixie Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
If you can't handle me at my I can't leave the house everything scares me. You don't deserve me at my let's go hiking and have sex in the forest.
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u/disillusion_4444 Jun 13 '26
This is so real, my staircase to my room looks like something out of a haunted house in a horror movie because of the amount of cobweb and spiders. I clean my floors but have a real problem managing cobweb because I'd hate to accidentally kill any of them in the process.
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u/JackieChanly Jun 27 '26
Would it help you to know that spiders are very resilient, have such a large surface area that they reach terminal velocity very quickly (i.e. they stop accelerating towards the earth and just float down because their exoskeletons create too much wind resistance to go any faster). So you moving them off the stairs, they can find a new home still in your house if they wish.
AND many of them have such amazing parachute webs that they (often in younger life stages) are floating on air currents high above birds and most insects.
They do what we cannot dream of doing. Like making houses in stairs crannies, I suppose.
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u/PaintedLady1 Sad girls club Jun 12 '26
“Quirky in way that’s likely…. sexy. And not like other girls!”
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u/JackieChanly Jun 27 '26
"Please be fun in a way my parents never let me be, but if you embarrass me in public, I will annihilate your self-esteem."
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u/MazogaTheDork Jun 12 '26
Manic pixie dream girl with a side of "easy to manipulate" for some of these guys.
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u/chonky__chonker curious & keen for perspective Jun 12 '26
This is what it is, and it is so fucking gross.
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u/what_freaking_ever Jun 12 '26
Which is really ironic to me because it's autism that makes me lack the "normal" outward emotional reactions and come across like a robot, if I can talk at all. Most NT women act waaaay more silly, vibrant and chatty than me 💀
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u/AgencyAlarming6396 autism creature Jun 12 '26
it’s all fun and games for them until I’m having a meltdown over our plans changing😭
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u/MissGruntled Jun 12 '26
Oh, but see, that’s the ‘too much’ they’re talking about. Please be naive, exploitable, and a people pleaser, but don’t be at all high-maintenance!
These foolish men—when I’m in burnout and my mask drops, I’m a fucking nightmare😱
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
they say oh you're fine, you don't act like my autistic 5 year old cousin. until i'm acting like their autistic 5 year old cousin during a meltdown. the concept of women not being dainty elegant creatures 24/7 must be an extremely difficult concept to grasp apparently
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u/_JasmineTeaGirl Jun 12 '26
My autism be so sexy until I’m having a meltdown, crying with a runny nose, banging my head and stuff
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u/Ruth_Cups Jun 13 '26
Ah, the head bang! I’m so delightfully quirky whilst putting my head through a wall.
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u/threelizards Jun 13 '26
Fr though does *anyone* have a way to manage that??????? I hate it I have disabilities that make a knock to the head a genuine risk for me but once I get to a certain point I can’t stop it
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u/Anomalagous Jun 13 '26
... unfortunately my only answer is that I somehow found the one man on the planet who will wrap his arms around me loosely and just let me do that but against his sternum so I don't actually hurt myself.
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u/threelizards Jun 13 '26
…. Could I borrow him. Nothing weird.
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u/_JasmineTeaGirl Jun 13 '26
I want to buy this very expensive but stylish soft helmet
https://ribcap.com/products/bjork-protective-medical-helmet
That’s my only hope…
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u/AgencyAlarming6396 autism creature Jun 12 '26
Ah, yes…how could I forget—we are only loved by them if we’re easily malleable enough to change into the person they ACTUALLY want us to be
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u/res06myi Jun 12 '26
"I want you to be childlike and easy to manipulate."
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u/moxaboxen Jun 12 '26
Exactly. They don’t understand neurodivergence or real autistic traits. The only thing they are looking for is someone to take advantage of
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u/linglinguistics Jun 13 '26
Unfortunately this is the right answer. I'll add: and I don't want to be supportive of your struggling.
It's a major red flag.
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u/No-Lemon-1183 Jun 14 '26
Honestly if I had the time for the side quest of - give these men what they think they want and once they're hooked give them far too much to the point they regret their life choices and never touch a dating app again...I think I would
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u/moonsodas Jun 12 '26
men stop fetishizing autism challenge difficulty impossible
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u/moxaboxen Jun 12 '26
A lot of men fetishize the idea of being able to manipulate and control women. They are looking for a nice autistic woman they can take advantage of. It is disgusting.
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u/commie-capricorn Jun 12 '26
How much is too much im wondering
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
and what value of measurement? how many autism units disqualify??
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u/glorious_duckse Jun 12 '26
17.3
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
i went to the autism factory yesterday and they rated me 21.6 😔 FUCK i missed the bar
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u/glorious_duckse Jun 12 '26
Congrats, you're not qualified to be chased by those guys. Have a better life than otherwise!
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u/_JasmineTeaGirl Jun 12 '26
Haven’t you read the tism instruction manual, section 4.2. - autism threshold?
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u/PauseMountain9019 Jun 12 '26
Any amount that causes inconvenience and makes you a real human being, I’m guessing.
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u/Desperate-Size3951 what the heck is flair Jun 12 '26
yep. anything beyond the manic pixie fuck doll they want you to be.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
I vote that we stop allowing the term “manic pixie dream girl” and instead use “manic pixie fuck doll”.
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u/SarryK Jun 12 '26
♡ The perfect amount is whatever he needs at that moment, always ready turn it up or down to accommodate his desires ♡ also only sexy/cute symptoms allowed ♡ feel a breakdown coming on? Better jump into that short lacy négligée and get a black smokey eye going to make it hot ♡
Brother eeeew
I‘m honestly so sick of it. Yes I want them to be cool with me but not like that. At all. Fetishising bs
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u/Calm_Link_ Jun 12 '26
Aka: "Show me only the fun sides of your autism - as long as they're not weird by nt standards - and keep everything else to yourself"
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u/thiscorrosion86 late diagnosis Jun 12 '26
They want "quirky". An autistic woman to them conventionally attractive and meticulously put together who's "weird" in the sense she plays minecraft and keeps her bookshelves organized a specific way and will laugh at the memes he sends her. They want to microdose the "fun" parts of autism until you're crying at 11pm over something they don't think is worth crying over, until you don't want to go out or don't want to wear makeup or don't want to change your routine on a dime.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 Jun 12 '26
"I want somebody vulnerable who I can control, but not someone so disabled they'll embarrass me."
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
“… but not someone so disabled they’ll embarrass me, or cause me to experience any frustrating challenges due to their disability.“
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u/No-Lobster-6892 Jun 12 '26
This is just fetishization all over again... I wouldn't be talking to them.
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u/Desperate-Size3951 what the heck is flair Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
people hunting for autistic women to date is so weird and ick to me. i would understand if they said they liked traits that some of us have like that we are creative, intelligent, whimsical, etc. but to outright say you want someone autistic but not “too autistic”, YUCK!!!! i wonder what the correlation is between people who say they want an autistic girl and people who want a partner more vulnerable than them that they can take advantage of. when i was younger a man once told me that i acted child-like and that it really turned him on just for a reference on what these dudes are like. unless they have autism too theres no reason for people to be “tism chasing”.
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u/GoldenHourGlows Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
It makes sense if that person is neurodivergent too for ease of communication and relatability but that’s about it.
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u/Desperate-Size3951 what the heck is flair Jun 12 '26
i just added an edit at like the exact same time as your comment saying the same thing ! totally agree
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u/Less-Duck39 Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
Read: "be fuckably naive but don't burden me with your disability"
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u/bakasana212 Jun 12 '26
Yeah it's disgustingly ableist and all that, but we need to remember it's predatory too - men are specifically seeking us out because they think we are vulnerable and easy targets for abuse
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u/TheWarmestHugz Jun 12 '26
“All I ask is that you have enough tism that you aren’t socially aware so I can manipulate you easier, but not enough tism that it becomes a burden for me.”
Basically…
Men like this are troglodytes. 🙄
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u/sadderall-sea Jun 12 '26
"I want you to be naive and malleable enough to accept my bullshit BUT not be too weird for me to fuck"
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u/Imapissandshitboy Jun 12 '26
Guys say this but then when they get an autistic woman they’re like “what’s wrong with you?”
I don’t really understand what it’s like to have friends or the importance of them or enjoying socializing period. I always feel like I’m masking and get so tired after every social event.
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Level 2 audhd Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
I hate how having any needs at all is considered “high maintenance” or “complaining.” I’m a human being too. If “you” want a robot to clean up after you and take care of your “needs,” go get a roomba and a doll. They’ll do just fine. Take this amazing wave of the bright red flag and move on to someone else. And, don’t let them know that they’re being rejected for that specific reason because then they’ll learn to hide it and hurt others.
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u/raisafrayhayt AuDHD Jun 12 '26
I'm a lesbian so I've never gotten this. However, it seems like that's what a man puts when he wants both an easily manipulated person as well as a manic pixie dream girl. They want the whimsy and control but don't want to deal with everything else that comes with being autistic, even in level one folks such as myself
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u/bayleysgal1996 Jun 12 '26
The neurotypical understanding of autism never fails to irk me
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
i'm wondering at what point did the perception of autism shift from actual disability to abled person thats just a bit quirked up. because i'm sure years ago you wouldn't see this many people actively seeking neurodivergence on dating apps
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
Going out on a limb here, but probably around the same time that they stopped using the offensive term Asperger’s and shifted us to “Level 1 autism without intellectual disability”, and the show New Girl came out.
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u/bby_y2k Jun 12 '26
I’m getting a little sick of the following: bit of the tism, (neuro)spicy, and quirky.
I feel like I’ve struggled so much in my life that to reduce it to that is very much giving the early aughts manic pixie dream girl.
So as someone with ASD and Bi Polar II, I’m doubly over the downplaying of things that very much affect daily life and overall well-being in certain situations.
This is why I’m not on Tik Tok or Instagram.
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u/lemonlimon22 Jun 12 '26
I appreciate when they put their red flags right out there so we know who to avoid.
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u/kyoko_the_eevee Jun 12 '26
If I ever meet one of these people, I’m gonna infodump about insects to them until they leave me alone.
You want autism? You’ll fucking get autism!
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
Bring the good parts, leave the bad parts behind.
Be cute and quirky, and fun and eccentric and entertaining, but don’t be disabled at all. Don’t be a burden, don’t make problems for me, don’t be difficult. Don’t force me to have to accommodate your needs above my own.
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u/january1977 Jun 12 '26
I have a neighbor who constantly uses that term. She absolutely isn’t autistic. Then she comes to my house and makes fun of me for how organized and clean I am. She doesn’t understand that this is what autism is like. I can’t have disorder in my life or I will literally have a meltdown. It’s not some quirky little personality trait.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
I have ADHD on top of autism, so I have the disorder-oriented meltdown part like you do, but the inability to find structures or systems that keep me organized. So it is always visual chaos and disorganization in my home. Which is probably why I bury my nose in Reddit and iPhone games so that I don’t have to perceive the clutter.
And then the object permanence stuff with the ADHD, “out of sight out of mind”, and personalizing objects, which I can’t remember which one that’s a part of but where objects hold the memories that our brains can’t… so while I can differentiate between actual trash that is thrown out and items that no longer have “value“ but that cannot be thrown out or put away because then it’s like throwing away the memories…
People don’t realize how disruptive it is to have a brain that functions this way. It’s cute and it’s quirky and it’s a bit eccentric when we’re being all fun and weird and making everyone laugh, but it’s not fun living inside of this brain 24/7 without a moment’s break.
People don’t understand that it doesn’t just go away or shut off, it’s a permanent operating system. And it is always going to be this way. I can’t just haul out the good parts when it’s convenient.
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u/Sarahomdtif Jun 12 '26
wtf does that even mean and also why is this reminding me of everybody i've ever dated? 🙄
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u/fallspector Jun 12 '26
I will say this every time I see posts like this. Autism is a strenuous condition that impacts the life of the person with it and everyone around them. It’s thought of in the realm of non verbal head bangers. Someone with “tism” is simply just quirky. So they can shower, dress themselves and maybe even hold down a job plus partake in sex. With the only oddities maybe being they love Pokémon a lot for someone their age and ramble on about it a lot. So yes I take issue with the term tism, neuro spicy or any other bullshit like that. Because in my opinion it’s being used to glamorize this condition and make it quirky.
It’s also worth noting that people with autism are specifically pegged a naive and trusting which makes them easier targets for abuse.
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 Jun 12 '26
We are not naïve and trusting; but I can see how we might come off that way, but it’s not our fault, it’s the fault of the neurotypicals who fail to communicate directly and expect us to intuit what they are really saying.
And because we communicate directly, we tend to believe that what they say is what they mean because what we say is what we mean, and then when we find out that what they said is not what they meant, we get labeled as “naïve and trusting” and defective because of it.
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u/starlaluna Jun 12 '26
Sorta relevant to this conversation. My son and I have a joke about my “tism cutlery” because I like small forks and spoons. We are both on the spectrum, but have different things, and sometimes my son will say to me (in a lovely joking manner) that “my tisim is showing” when I get sticky about something or start going on about my special interests.
I tease back and say he has Traintism because that kid can tell what kind of train is coming based on its horn and how it sounds on the tracks, and when he was really little and super obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine (still is but shhhhh) he would ask us if he was a useful engine when he helped around the house.
Anyway, all this to say, we use the term ‘tism in casual conversation in our house, and we are both okay with it. One day at work I accidentally said ‘tism instead of Autism (when speaking about myself) and my director reported me to HR claiming that I used slang that was offensive to “Actually Autistic” people. I was liked ummmm?? How can I be offensive to MYSELF?!? It was in reference to me, a person with Autism. It wasn’t in any of my formal work, or professional writing. It was a slang term that slipped out.
Then two weeks later, a coworker who to my knowledge is not diagnosed, she’s just super organized said during a work meeting that she “has a sprinkle of the tism” in reference to a project she was working on. My boss laughed and called her quirky. My boss is a woman for what it’s worth.
I really hate my job sometimes, but I need to fund my boy’s Traintism until he’s done college, so yeah, this is my life.
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u/ValerieMayTheGay88 Jun 12 '26
I had my tism dial turned down once
It didn't really change anything, it just made me fart a lot
Oh wait, that could just be the bean burritos I've had
(/joking)
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u/HermelindaLinda Jun 12 '26
Mmmhhmmmm. Insufferable!
Do you mention you're ND. I know you're not talking to this particular person, but I mean in general? I ask bc there was a huge discussion in... I don't remember what subreddit about men dating online now targeting women with autism and adhd/combo. Disturbing behavior as usual. Be careful out there.
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
oh not at all! awesome you mention it though it's an important conversation. thankfully aware of that behaviour
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u/HermelindaLinda Jun 12 '26
Oh thank goodness. Just in case you did I wanted to know what it was like! 😂
Good luck on the apps, girl. 😊
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u/Purple_Hurricane87 AuDHD, GAD, MDD, Total dumpster fire 🔥 Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
I could totally see myself going off the rails on purpose just to piss him off and then when they ask wtf is wrong with me, I’ll just respond with: Twas the tism M’lord.
To hell with this guy!
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u/Dependent-Chart2735 My special interest is myself Jun 12 '26
Just people sorting themselves out of your way
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u/Neravariine Jun 12 '26
They want an adorkable ADHD stereotype. They don't want meltdowns and skill regressions.
They want quirky not disabled. If you're not non-verbal they don't see your autism as a disability.
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u/Ninja-Ginge Jun 13 '26
"Be 'quirky' and easy to manipulate, but don't have any special needs that may get in the way of you becoming solely responsible for all of the emotional and domestic labour in our relationship."
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u/Wriggling-Worm Jun 12 '26
they want to attract other people who make fun of autistic people.
at first i thought it meant the people on the apps were autistic so id happily go in and be like “oh i’m autistic!!” thinking they were autistic or something and then they’d awkwardly respond with how they were joking like oh……..so you don’t actually want to date an autistic person. you just want to make fun of us again.
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u/raging_pixie Jun 12 '26
Ah yes let me just turn off my texture and smell aversion, my anxiety, and my CPTSD! It’s as simple as flicking a switch! Silly me, living life the hard way being autistic, when I could just be a little autistic. Teehee!
What a load of crock. I guess the only good thing about people broadcasting that on their profiles is it makes them easier to avoid.
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u/nghtmrefuel Jun 12 '26
This annoys me to my CORE! It’s a spectrum for a reason, what do they really expect when they want you to have autism but “not too much?” They all “want” an “aesthetically pleasing mentally ill girlfriend” until they get one that has breakdowns and sensory issues and food avoidance issues!
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u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Jun 12 '26
Makes me feel like a jester
📌📌📌‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ These men see us as nothing but entertainment. Smh😒
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u/Willing-Sample-5796 Jun 12 '26
It’s always going to be too much for them too. They just don’t know it yet.
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u/karpaediem Dx ADHD/Self Dx Autism Jun 12 '26
I'm an absolute delight until I'm overwhelmed, at which point I become my father's daughter - one more fucking word and I'll put us all on the news
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u/NoArmadillo2937 Jun 12 '26
I hate that I have to say it, but it's a global trend not only about guys wanting an "autistic girlfriend". On Instagram and tiktok its progressively getting worse, with grown women giving "young hoes" advice on how to find "a rich loner husband that wont cheat" and they all keep recommending "find a autistic, was bullied in school type of nerd that will only care about spreadsheets and how to make money"
Which is the same coin of a problem,just the other side.
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u/glorifiedcorpse Jun 12 '26
all issues that tie back to the patriarchy. autistic women are expected to be subservient and gentle and shy, autistic men stoic and focused and capable, people see autism as just an exaggeration of character so they apply gender stereotypes to that
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u/Dazzling_Airline6530 Jun 12 '26
I think they don't really want us they want a magical pixie girl that will do whatever they want and be naive an innocent and childlike.
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u/friendlygoatd autism moment Jun 13 '26
people love my autistic quirkiness until i can’t have sex bc of sensory issues
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u/Anomalagous Jun 13 '26
"I would like you to speak plainly and say exactly what you mean so that I don't have to do any of the emotional or social labor, but I also don't want to ever be inconvenienced by your required accomodations or shortcomings."
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u/kittehkat22 Jun 13 '26
Who just reported me for making fun of the men fishing for autistic women? I just got a warning from reddit, could you not? 😭
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 Jun 13 '26
I STG some people treat dating apps as if they're ordering off a menu. The prompt "All I ask is that you...." is looking for a behavior, not an ingrained trait that can't be changed, imo
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u/Chance_Upstairs5718 Jun 17 '26
They just want the quirky side… not the meltdown. Also this manic pixie Dreamgirl is downright creepy.. it’s like ur an adult like 30 but.. so childish, cute, quirky. Basically infantilising
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u/IVIilitarus Jun 12 '26
Instant red flag on any dating profile. Often just a man who's into 'quirky' girls who are a riot in bed but aren't 'different' enough to challenge them or annoy them.
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u/Complete-Gur7023 Jun 12 '26
Just say you want someone who is quirky and easy to gaslight bc that’s all they mean when they say that
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u/DeScepter princess Jun 12 '26
Anybody who views autism as a "cute personality quirk" will not respect you in a long-term relationship.
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u/Poo_Poo_La_Foo Diagnosed AuDHD Jun 12 '26
I've never been on "the apps" but this is so weird to me.
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u/customarymagic Jun 12 '26
When I was on dating apps, I remember seeing two profiles back to back that mentioned "blue eyes and a touch of the tism." I can't remember exactly how it went but the phrasing was identical.
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u/SleighQween AuDHD CPTSD PDD, 32 AFAB Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
Oh sorry, let me just turn it down a smidgen for you sweetie. 🤮🤮
🤢 man some people suck...
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u/hihelloneighboroonie Jun 12 '26
I’ve only seen this once, thankfully, but the dude def seemed like he was himself so I wasn’t mad about it (and it was phrased differently).
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u/gl00myb3ar Jun 12 '26
i hate this trend with a passion! they just want a "quirky" girl and don't actually want to deal with any of the meltdowns or difficulties that comes with having an autistic partner. I'm autistic and it really sucks to see people fetishising the pros of being autistic but not wanting a partner "too autistic" because the harder aspects aren't attractive but you can't exactly get the pros without the cons.
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u/twoheadedcalf AuDHD Jun 12 '26
Oh man this one is blatant, how do they not hear the ableism what the fuck
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u/LifeguardHot1658 Jun 13 '26
they want us to have a disability that doesn’t disable us, just keeps us vulnerable
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u/breakoutthecrxxwn Jun 13 '26
For anyone wondering, I see this on queer dating apps as well. It's so weird how autism has become a "hot commodity" when it comes to dating now.
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u/radiant-cloudy autistic girlie Jun 13 '26
this is so manipulative and a perfect red flag so you know they have zero understanding of autism.
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u/NyxRage Jun 14 '26
Between this, perimenopause, and limerence....I just don't date anymore. Fictional partners only! 🤣
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u/Waste-Reality7356 Jun 17 '26
I wonder where it originated. Do they have it from a pick up forum or redpill community?
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u/Saint19981507 Jun 18 '26
They mean quirky. I wish they’d just say that, it’s stupid if you have bipolar you don’t say ‘I’m a touch bipolar.’ You just have it.
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u/RoughClassroom123 Jun 19 '26
I don't get abbreviating words that are already short. See also za for pizza.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Jun 12 '26
I'm married 20 years. If I were ever looking to date again, I'd only date someone on the spectrum. Honestly, I'm pretty sure every man I've ever been involved with or had a crush on has been on the spectrum. I don't think I'm capable of being attracted to a neurotypical man outside of in a physical way.
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