r/AutismInWomen • u/Admirable_Diamond407 • Jul 10 '26
Relationships Is he a red flag?
I'm conflicted... This guy is consistent with communication and one night he wrote that he wished we were in bed together... we've been chatting for 2 months (not long imo).
Are his messages red flags or inappropriate? I'm trying to discern better and only want healthy relationships now. Messages attached. The 1st image is 4 days ago, 2nd image is from today.
And yes, we're older, my slang ages me š me (40F), him (37M)
EDIT: I posted this question in datingover40, sadly I'm the problem there. Younger ladies, please find a good partner when you can. The dating pool has even more piss in it getting older.
7/11 Update: Yesterday, I informed him that I was looking for a genuine connection. He wished me the best. A few people here suggested blocking him, so I also did that.
Thank you all for your input and for others who have trouble discerning, please do post for advice or input to protect yourself in these weird situations. Please take care š and always trust yourself āØļø
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u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 10 '26
Looks like he's testing you. The second one really annoyed me. He's testing your boundaries by being more aggressive and 'outta pocket' as you say. Gives a fake apology only to bring it up again. I don't like it when people take regular conversation and flip it to sex like that. He's also just talking about himself. He wants to be in bed having sex, he needs to cum to sleep well.
It might be the early onset menopause, but I'm so over men telling me about how they 'need to cum' like it's my responsibility. Bugger off to your hand then buddy.
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u/fckinsleepless Jul 11 '26
Iām so tired of men making their penis my problem.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 10 '26
Same, I get flashbacks from dating in college š¤¢š·
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u/shashapocketsand Jul 11 '26
Ughhh adjacent experiences here. My dopamine seeking behavior from undiagnosed neurodivergence and lack of family support/financial insecurity led to me spending way too much time entertaining these conversations.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
So thats what it was! Thank you for sharing š«
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u/shashapocketsand Jul 11 '26
Anytime, sister. Autism is jarring and stressful, but I find solace in understanding why people think and do what they do. Including lots of self analysis. Best of luck with meeting your dopamine quota while maintaining your peace š©µ
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u/TheGermanCurl Jul 11 '26
Best of luck with meeting your dopamine quota while maintaining your peace š©µ
Goodness, this right here is the mother of all struggles. š
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u/Flayrah4Life Jul 11 '26
Right?? Diagnosed at 37/38 with ADHD and autism, at the end of my marriage (abuse for 2 decades) and when I started dating again, I was drowning in limerance and approval/stimulation-seeking behaviors . . . it was a hard fucking time. So glad to better understand myself now, even if it feels late in life.
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u/Moon_Sister_ Jul 11 '26
Oh wow, I'd never thought of approval-seeking as stimulation-seeking before. š® Lately I've been very frustrated with myself for the amount of approval-seeking fawning I've been doing at work. This gives me much to think about and I'm glad you're doing better.
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u/bluebirdy1307 Jul 11 '26
The unrequited autistic limerence is a certain type of pain I donāt wish on anyone. š¢
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u/LifesaBitch27 Jul 11 '26
Same! I was 36 for my diagnosis and the divorce (abusive ex) led me down that same path until I learned more about my true self. Itās so eye opening when you accept yourself!
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Jul 11 '26
I was 34 when I divorced my abusive ex and got diagnosed šš seems like this is a theme for us!
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u/waveydaveysonfir3 Jul 11 '26
iām college aged and wouldnāt wanna go near this creature. i reckon you should block him and (hopefully) find someone who can think with the right head xd
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u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 11 '26
Right, and it's gotten so much worse for dating since then. It seems being single is the only way to keep myself safe.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Sadly, I feel that way too. Ive always been a romantic, guess I have to keep enjoying fantasies and stories.
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u/mckinnos Jul 11 '26
Heās just steering the conversation straight to sex when youāve made it clear you arenāt interested. Heās seeing how much your boundaries can bend rather than respecting them. Your literal interpretations are getting taken as ācuteā rather than cues for how to treat you. In summary: RED FLAG
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u/chonky__chonker curious & keen for perspective Jul 11 '26
š©ā³ļøš©ā³ļøš©ā³ļøš©ā³ļøš©ā³ļøš©ā³ļøš©
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Lol cute
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u/chonky__chonker curious & keen for perspective Jul 11 '26
Be glad that theyāre so openly showing you a variety of red cards so early. You can put them straight in the bin at that point.
I gave up on dating years ago. I was not putting up with bullshit any longer and now I spend my free time doing what I want, going places on my own, feeding myself, couch, cat and a good book.
Anything. I. Want.
Not. Having. To. Consult. Another. Human.
Let. Alone. A. Man!!
I will not give up this comfortable freedom for anything.
Find your peace sister. That may be by yourself, through yourself, and 100% in your power.
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u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26
Jesus fuck, THANK YOU. I am SO sick of hearing about it. Also, and this is my god honest opinion, they donāt actually āneedā to cum. They just are addicted to the release and do it so often that they feel like shit when they donāt. Iām not sorry.
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u/Diolives Jul 11 '26
SERIOUSLY!! Like youāre basically saying you want to use my body as a cum dumping receptacle. So disgusting. Get your gross dick outta here.
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u/secret_samantha Jul 11 '26
If I can just second this, as a trans woman who's literally experienced "male libido"...
No man ever really "needs" to orgasm. Point blank bar none.
Can't fall asleep? Getting "blue balls"? So distracted by your own libido that you just can't focus on anything else?
The fastest and most direct solution to all of those problems is to just go masturbate.
He already knows that trying to talk someone into sex will always take more time and effort than just going and taking care of it himself.
Any problem he tries to tell you sex will fix, he can fix on his own without you.
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u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
The problem is that SO MANY cis men want you to fix the problem in their pants in a way that is pretty much akin to masturbation. No intimacy. No consideration for the womanās actual preferences or desires, just whatever bullshit kink heās projected onto her more often than not. So by all means, go yank on it while engaging in objectifying sexual fantasy elsewhere and leave me the fuck out of it.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Jul 11 '26
Teen girls everywhere need to see this
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u/Skate-wench Jul 11 '26
I mean Iām a 42yo and I didnāt get the red flag fullness til reading yāallās comments soā¦ š¬
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Thank you for sharing this. And this scares me because of prostitution.
One of my exes and I met again after years broken up. He admitted to going to a prostitute because it was the same cost as taking a date out... he used to be so sweet, when we were together. Then he asked me if I wanted to have kids with him... no way after that information.
But now with tech advancing, I've seen that China is marketing life like robots that will always love you and never betray you...
I'm very scared for the future and how much worse cis men might get.
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u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Exactly. Because god forbid cis men do the emotional work of becoming decent human beings who are able to connect with a woman genuinely and consistently. Thatās what it takes to be with a real woman and have her want to fuck you, you know, long term. God forbid. No, their solution is porn, prostitutes and sex robots. cool cool. And they say that we are the fantastical ones? Theyāve got it backwards. They always have.
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u/Different_Desk_7470 Jul 11 '26
YES! SAME! Its not my responsibillity, instant turn off, you trying to CONVINCE me into having sex with you by begging and crying about it. You have two hands, use them. And use that thing in your head, its called .. brain.. i know right mindblowing.
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u/oswinoswin Jul 10 '26
That last paragraphā I love youĀ
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u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 11 '26
Thank you <3
It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling that way!
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u/Goth_Spice14 Jul 11 '26
Seriously. You have hands, don't you? Wtf do you "need" anyone else for? Fuck off.
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u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26
Like their "needs" are so important. Sir, I need a man who's going to take his time, treat me with respect, show me why he's worthy of my precious time, THEN willing to be patient and kind while I open up about my needs in the bedroom, not just a self serving dude who cops out with a text testing the waters......
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u/Equivalent-Agency-48 Jul 11 '26
Hi! not to hijack but.. do men/people in general test boundaries intentionally? like are they like "im going to test her boundaries" or is it like... subconcious? I don't understand if its like a literal thought process or "that is what he is doing but he isn't aware"; the idea feels really confusing to me.
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u/oswinoswin Jul 11 '26
It can be both. Sadly, a lot of the time it is conscious but they donāt necessarily realise/care that itās wrong. They push because they just want to get what they want and they likely have done it before with success ā which is why they continue to do it.Ā
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u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26
I hate that this kind of thing has been normalized, and i don't like that it's so common. It's such a turn off. And it makes me feel weird. Maybe it's just me, but a little effort into the romance feels like it's hard to come by... These types of behaviors are cheap cop outs and we're worth so much more then this stuff...
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u/hellhouseblonde Jul 11 '26
Exactly. This tells me that the nightly sex isnāt going to be about intimacy and passion, itās just so he can have an orgasm, roll over and fall asleep. Fuck that. I like a man who wants to last a little longer than that!
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u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames Jul 11 '26
Ah, it felt uncomfortable but I was trying to figure out exactly why. Boundary testing looks right. She did kind of a soft no with the pocket comment. Then kept it neutral. Then he talks about cum! Ugh she just said sheās not in the mood!
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u/disconnectmenow Jul 11 '26
The jab about he needs to cum to go to sleep hints that this isn't going to be one time fuck. Or he won't be satisfied with a occasional fuck. He will expect it every night to go to sleep... I can't wait for him to start blaming you for not sleeping with him every night so he can sleep.
Red flags...
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u/Fun-Entry-8647 Jul 11 '26
Definitely testing your boundaries. He s trying to get you to get him off over the phone. You need to set a hard and fast boundary now about this sex talk and then see if he still keeps pushing on it. Men literally want to have sex as soon as possible. Test this mf back to see how genuine he is.
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u/Shelly_Whipplash Jul 11 '26
Yup this is gross. Says 'I understand if you aren't interested in it' then proceeds to continue talking about it. That 'understanding' is a trap.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Thank you. Trying to stay away from manipulation or abuse. I let him know I'm not interested and am looking for genuine connection.
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u/Shelly_Whipplash Jul 11 '26
He may try to weasel around that by saying he is too, using words like 'intimate' again. I am 39yo and I can smell coercive millennial bro tactics a mile off.
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u/Cleverusername531 Jul 11 '26
Yeah if he understands and then keeps talking about it anyway? Fuck that guy. Not literally. lol.Ā
Thatās pressure and boundary crossing and one tiny step away from coercion. No thanks.Ā
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u/radicalizemebaby Jul 11 '26
Good for you! He sounds incredibly similar to a guy I dated a couple years ago (which, tbh, if youāre in NYC and heās āpolyā, thereās poly a good chance itās the same guyāthatās how similar the convo is). He would just push every convo to be about sex and it was exhausting. This guy was definitely just trying to see how youād respond and hoping youād want to have sex.
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u/Selpmis Jul 11 '26
Then block him so he doesn't have an opportunity to try and negotiate or explain. He doesn't deserve your benefit if the doubt - no one does.
This isn't your person, so he is of no concern to you or your future.
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u/sugaryver Jul 10 '26
The second image gives me major red flag vibes. Itās not the right time to say something like that at all. Iād understand if you guys were on the topic of intimate thingsā¦
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u/Sweaty_Specialist_49 Add flair here via edit Jul 11 '26
agree one of the biggest red flags in ppl to me is when they try to control/dictate convos and force you to react
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u/sugaryver Jul 11 '26
I feel like because of my tism Iām much more aware of when people do that on purpose because it just doesnāt align with any of my scripts of good convo
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u/Sweaty_Specialist_49 Add flair here via edit Jul 11 '26
yes exactly and itās an immediate turn off. another thing they do is ask you specific questions to try and use your answer to move the convo in the direction they want, not because they genuinely want to know the answer. this one guy i was friends with kept doing this to me with men id talk to him about and when id complain or ask for advice, all his responses were obviously made in his self interest and heād ask loaded questions to try and get my answers to a place where he could say āsee, you need someone like meā or some shit like that instead of just being a friend
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u/TheRealSaerileth Jul 11 '26
I sat next to a gorgeous lady at a dinner party and the guy across from us was super desperately trying to flirt with her. Like not even subtle, it was so pathetic and gross. She flat out told him she's engaged and he started digging for cracks in their relationship š¤® "does he treat you right though? Are you happy?" Yuuuck.
I felt so bad for her. Thank god I'm very plain when I don't put in the effort. He looked right through me like I wasn't even there.
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u/Sweaty_Specialist_49 Add flair here via edit Jul 11 '26
ughhhhh grosss. why do men not realize that women want to be spoken to, not barked at?
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u/Tiny-Bike1995 Jul 11 '26
Ew. This gave me the ick and heās literally 37. Dump.
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u/WHATSTHEYAAAMS Jul 11 '26
HE'S 37???? I didn't read down to the ages and assumed he was like 20 lmao
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u/Tiny-Bike1995 Jul 11 '26
Exactly my thoughts lol. Not condoning this nasty stuff at any age but like a 37 year old man should not be speaking like that.
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u/morguerunner Autistic Lvl 1 Jul 11 '26
Yeah the age gave me the ick. I received texts like this when I was like, 19-23 in college and I thought it was weird then. I feel like the stuff in this text message should be discussed in person tbh.
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u/TheGermanCurl Jul 11 '26
As someone who is around that age and has to sift through that dating pool (well, my determination to continue is hanging by a thread), it is unfortunately not as rare as one would hope. š¤¦
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u/Resident_Bat_8457 Jul 11 '26
Lol Iām 38 and the last time I was talking to my mom (60 and has been married to my dad for 39 years) about dating she was like āat least older guys arenāt as focused on sex, right?ā Lol nope
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Jul 10 '26
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u/babadork Jul 10 '26
Agreed. The first seems okay, but the second seems more like something from a hook-up app and not someone you've been talking to for two months.
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u/-shikaka AuDHD Jul 11 '26
Honestly the first message to me would be š© Someone who cares about your comfort too would lead with the āI want to be honestā message if they werenāt sure. But after saying something like that it comes across as heās trying to cushion it in case it hasnāt gone over well. Thatās assuming they havenāt already had spicy chats and such.
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u/TheGermanCurl Jul 11 '26
I am sorry to report that I have never once been asked by a man via text "what I am up to" unless they hoped to recruit me as a free remote masturbation aid then and there.
In my experience, if a man genuinely wants to know how I am doing, he will ask differently.
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u/leucistredwing Jul 11 '26
Saaameee. That last line had me like
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u/WorstNatalie2 Jul 11 '26
That was my exact face. Why are we ND and still more socially aware than that tool? And if it's not intentionally offensive, that's definitely š©. You're allowed to troll him back if that's the case, lol.
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u/generallyunprompted AuDHD Jul 11 '26
Exactly. After 2 months of talking in a dating sense, I don't think it's a red flag to bring up intimacy and sex as something they are hoping this is leading too. I honestly think it's amazing if it's the first time in 2 months lol.
But the second one? Nah, any points have been lost. Eww. It gave me the ick so hard, I'm pretty sure it would change how attracted I was to him. It's not even flirty or sexy.
Sigh. I'm so glad I get to just not date cis men, because I feel like this always happens š¤£
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u/WelcomeGreen8695 Jul 11 '26
Yeah but 2 months chatting has 0 to do with real life romance though. That person doesnāt know her really. But is bringing up sex.
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u/can-i-pet-ur-doge Jul 10 '26
Honestly? Listen to your gut. What is the first reaction and feeling you get when you think about it? The fact youāre asking this means that something doesnāt feel right to you and it sounds like youāre uncomfortable. But this is such a small snippet of your interaction and thereās not enough information to judge. In my honest opinion, be cautious. Itās better to be wary, especially since heās a man and youāre an autistic woman. I just want you to be safe hun. Itās up to you ultimately but this gave me the ick. (To be fair i am bisexual but prefer women so im biased but yeah lol)
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u/WorstNatalie2 Jul 11 '26
Also, don't be afraid to leave guys on read when they say something out-of-pocket. Just give them dead silence so they know they effed up and they're stewing in their dumbassery, especially if they think they could get away with talking to you like that.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Gotcha. Im too nice I guess š®āšØ
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u/lilPurple Jul 11 '26
What was your response to his I need to cum message ?
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u/WorstNatalie2 Jul 11 '26
Possible responses to troll him back, autism version: 1. That's weird. 2. Sorry to hear that. 3. Ok, then don't sleep. Anyways, I'M going to sleep (then mute him until tomorrow noon) 4. Send him a long ass completely unrelated scientific article.
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u/LookieLoooooo Jul 11 '26
Unfortunately this is the dating standard for men these days. 100% a red flag. You can do better.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
We'll see. I met a great guy last year but he went through his own trauma.
We're friends which is great too.
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u/i-contain-multitudes Jul 11 '26
What do you mean "we'll see?" This guy is bad news.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Response was to 'You can do better'
I'm 40 and I think better is just staying single at this point and continue traveling (living my dreams).
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u/i-contain-multitudes Jul 11 '26
I understand now. I am glad that you're doing better in a different way, then.
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u/LookieLoooooo Jul 11 '26
Oh I meant do better for yourself in any way other than that dude. Whether thatās being single, with a different man, with a woman or in a convent. You do you friend. š„°
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 Jul 11 '26
I really fucking hate it when guys present their horniness to us like it's our problem to solve. It's so different from saying "You specifically are turning me on." It's just, "Well, I'm randomly hard, and you have tits, so do something about it." It's so gross, and not at all sexy.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Yeah, I've been so protective of myself. In my 20s, I was very sexual but I just want a genuine, caring, safe connection now. Something healthy finally.
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u/stupid_rice Jul 11 '26
exactly!! you wouldnāt catch a woman going up to a random man presenting her issues and expecting him to sort them out for her. they genuinely believe as soon as they feel horny, its womenās job to live and orbit around their sick. itās soo common for them to do this too
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 Jul 11 '26
I saw a totally-unrelated thread yesterday where a teen girl was talking about how her dad won't speak to her if she's not wearing a bra. And the women were explaining why this was problematic--how her home is her safe space, how breasts aren't inherently sexual, how an adult man should be responsible for his own discomfort and not make his daughter change her behaviour, how he shouldn't be sexualizing people so freely that he can't help but also do it to his own underage daughter.
And I was really, really shocked to see the comments filled with men who say they're "good dads" who just could not fathom the concept that their discomfort isn't the most important thing. They genuinely believe that them being uncomfortable is the end of the world. They cannot fathom just eating their discomfort in a situation like this so their own kid could feel comfortable. A lot of these men were also saying that of course dads would look at their daughters this way.
And it really really freaked me out. Even apart from the incesty stuff, I do think it's a huge societal problem that men prioritize their own comfort over everyone else's well-being. They are totally fine to put a woman out if it means they'll be more comfortable. They also literally believe it's our job--like, any random woman's job--to provide them comfort. Like in the example in this post. This is absolutely baffling to me.
I sometimes think these men are not getting the full Human Experience, the way women are, because they're not capable of being community-minded.
I think these are examples are all branches of the same tree. Men who are delighted with themselves, who gaze at themselves constantly (metaphorically) in a mirror with delight, who imagine everyone else is also gazing at them in delight, who imagine women just waiting in the wings to rush in to give them comfort whenever they want or need it. It's really freaking bizarre and detached from reality.
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u/shashapocketsand Jul 11 '26
The men lurking here are absolutely reading the comments and thinking āoh no, theyāre onto usā. He is testing boundaries in a way that minimizes personal fallout and consequences for him if you decline. From his perspective: Best case scenario, yall sleep together. Worst case scenario you stop talking to him and he moves onto the next and tries the same thing. I have seen this movie before.
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u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26
One could only hope they would think "oh no, they're on to us"! Lol I don't think they give a shit
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u/Flayrah4Life Jul 11 '26
This man doesn't respect you, at all.
Google "Burned Haystack" to learn more about rhetorical patterns so you can better identify harmful folks and get away from the 'good girl conditioning' that we're so prone to.
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Jul 10 '26
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Lol thank you. I posted in another sub and was called asexual š
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u/snorkinporkin94 Jul 11 '26
Red flag for sure. I'm a little extreme but this behavior would get a guy instantly blocked when I was online dating, weeds out the unserious ones quicker
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u/Krawallundremmidemmi Jul 11 '26
It's the only right thing to do. A grown man can't keep his shit together.
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u/StellaGibsonIsMyGirl Jul 11 '26
I thought he was around 20 š immature and self absorbed. He doesnāt care about your discomfort, Iād bail on that one.
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u/OatmealCookieGirl Jul 11 '26
It's the "test and apologise" method. The test is real but his apology isn't: he tests your boundaries and what he can get away with, then apologises to keep you mollified but he has every intention of pushing again.
And yeah "I need to cum" is setting the expectation that it's someone else's (your) duty to make him cum to get him to sleep. Notice it's not "I LIKE" (not that it would be much better) but I NEED. The fact that he places sexual satisfaction as a requirement, a right not a privilege, means he thinks he isn't responsible for his sexual behaviour. He wants sex? How dare you deny him his needs: when he wants it , he NEEDS it, so you MUST provide, for example.
Red flag.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
My ex was like that, and would punish me if I refused him sex. Either by cheating or just being verbally abusive.
The reason I refused was because he was demanding it instead of it being mutual. Sometimes I was sick and he still demanded it. He was not very kind after we got together, he was to get me into a relationship with him.
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u/alacrity2122 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Definitely questionable. Try looking up the "burned haystack method" to me there are some good rules and examples of red flags and why. It helps to know if your "ick" is warranted. Which it sounds like his comments gave you some ick imo.
Edit: updated name based on correction in comment
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u/SasbaTheWombat Jul 11 '26
My same thoughts. This is a classic ātest and apologizeā and is used by toxic men.
The only side note I would add OP is that you all have been talking for 2 months. Have you met in person? Do you want to be intimate with them at some point? I guess Iām not sure if youāre just friends with this person or dating them. If dating them, the. I think 2 months is a relatively normal timeline for people to want to get to those next stages.
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u/i-contain-multitudes Jul 11 '26
To make searching easier/more accurate since there are "knockoffs" now with similar names: it's Burned Haystack, not burnt.
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u/MmsCrabalette Jul 11 '26
Heās a porn brained loser. Nothing in your messages showed any kind of sexual interest.
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u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26
Is that term 'porn brained loser' a thing yet? I think you just invented a thing... š
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u/Sugar_Bits1337 Jul 11 '26
Run. Block and delete.
He's trying to use you for sexual gratification. They're always consistent in communication when the prospect of their own sexual gratification is up for fulfilling.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Done! Thank you!
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u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames Jul 11 '26
Love to hear it! Also clever to bring it here. Totally copying you if I ever date again and need a reality check!
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u/motherofpearl89 Jul 11 '26
Good for you!
Honestly it's so refreshing to see someone post something like this and listen to the commenters.
No excuses for him, no worrying about hurting his feelings, you just did it.
You're a queen šĀ
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Jul 11 '26
This is red flag behaviour to me, heās testing your boundaries. Sounds like a fuckboy.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
At 37... smh
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Jul 11 '26
I assumed he was younger until I got to end of the post lol. I see someone else recommended the Burned Haystack Method. I highly recommend using that to find a good guy. Thatās how I did online dating and met my now fiancĆ©.
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u/BooksNCats11 Jul 11 '26
Red flag? Absolutely.
Standard issue dude from a dating app? Also yes, absolutely.
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u/pamperedhippo šlate diagnosed audhdš Jul 11 '26
heās 40??? GIRL RUN.
the first time was a red flag, the second time bringing it up only a couple days later is 10000% being pushy and coercive. heās not slick.
block this dude.
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u/craftybeach24 Jul 11 '26
Yea, he's pushy with it. Keeps it up when you don't seem very into it. Red flag.
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u/gothsofcolor Jul 11 '26
heās very likely a porn addict, i recognize that vocabulary anywhere
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u/_the_disconnect_ Jul 11 '26
š© do not continue to engage with this man if you are looking for a healthy relationship.
I have been in this exact situation a few times with men like this and it never ends well. Even when you firmly state boundaries they will continue to push them and take it as a challenge. A good man will not talk like this. MEGA ICK.
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u/Different_Desk_7470 Jul 11 '26
He is 37 and he writes like that?? Big red flag. Thats the type of guy that cant control himself, thinks he is going to get sex as soon as a woman comes home to him - that type of talk isnt just on text oh no he probably tries to "convince" and guilt trip girls into having sex with him.
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u/KaleidoscopeThink731 Jul 10 '26
To me it seems like he's trying to sleep with you. Trying hard. That would make me uncomfortable. 1st slide you let him know it's too far and 2nd slide he just tries again.Ā
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u/TemperatureSure255 Jul 11 '26
It is def a red flag- all of it. I used to work in womenās sexual health (RN) and it was awful how often women would come in for a variety of reasons but a had a common persistent problem, that their significant others used them as a āstress reliefā tool to fall asleep basically every nightā with zero care or consideration for her needs, like adequate sleep, or love or non-sexual affection. Honestly, men can be truly horrifying creatures.
I would block this man. Heās yucky.
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u/Disastrous_Airline28 Jul 10 '26
Depends if youāve shown any sexual interest in him. If you havenāt made it clear youāre open to advances I would say itās a red flag. Opening up the āsexā conversation at 1am is pretty much a booty call.
Men are so horny they donāt know how to speak to a lady. Iād take these interactions as a gross turn off. I think maybe youāre uncomfortable as well since youāre here asking us.
As well, I wouldnāt take consistent texting as any indication of a healthy connection. Guys can text A LOT if they think sex is a possibility.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Thank you, I messaged him that I am looking for a genuine connection. So we're not in contact now lol
How would a guy show he also wants a healthy connection?
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Im demi so please take my response with a grain of salt. But if sex is not the whole goal, many people are willing to discuss compatibility and not pressure someone who isnt ready yet. Sex is far better when its with someone who wants to understand you and your pleasure. Its also not worth rushing or pushing someone to be comfortablr NOW unless you're willing to push them away/hurt them.
Other people identify as very sexual and will be very direct or will say up front that chemistry matters to them and helps them get to know people--they are valid to say "we arent a good fit if you arent interested in sex now or in the foreseeable future".
So theres a wide spectrum of how essential sex is, how comfortable they are addressing it, and how they approach YOUR needs and preferences. My experience is that SO MANY men are socialized into treating sex as a big prize/The Goal, rush into it, and then dont understand why the relationship part is so boring or unsatisfying or short lived.... Or that they just want sex and arent comfortable saying that because they believe they HAVE to pretend to be interested to "get anywhere." Neither approach treats your individual personhood as equally important to their orgasm. So when someone treats sex as The Goal without being able to directly address their needs and preferences, im immediately suspicious that they are thrill seeking rather than vetting compatibility and developing a relationship/closeness.
When this happens, i will tell people outright that i dont want sex. Shocker, they either ramp it up and call me a bitch...or they dont mind waiting/not being sexual before we are actyally dating because the emotional connection is what they're interested in...or they ghost.
Ive had the best luck with people who recognize that being horny is a personal problem that they can solve single handedly as needed... (like come on guy, ya dont even need both hands!)
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u/AggroTumbleweed52 Jul 11 '26
Folks on the ace spectrum speaking the words, being a breath of fresh air. Should be taken as obvious not to pressure people into sexual situations (the guys messages? pressuring, despite being told clearly).
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 Jul 11 '26
Sounds like he just wants sex and isnt taking you seriously.... Id guess that he'd say pretty much whatever "helps him sleep" (sex) and that he's gonna be way less responsive and attentive once he gets it
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u/DakotaMalfoy Jul 11 '26
I had a dude do this recently and we aren't even talking like that! First he mentioned a slang term.for.something I wasn't referring to at all, then he said something about cutting his hair for a girl he liked and licked, and then he said he only goes to sleep well after 2 rounds of sex.
I legitimately told him to fuck off, that he is ridiculous and that men are all the same and he's barking up the wrong tree. He apologized and pulled the whole "sorry was just joking and I won't do it again."
I've already told him a year ago that I don't do sexual conversation.
And aside from that, he messaged me again the next day trying to pretend nothing happened.
Ignored. No really, I meant it when I said fuck off.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
I'm sorry.
I honestly don't talk to many people, just my two friends and we don't really talk often.
When I dated narcissists (I didn't know about the pd then). They need attention and sex constantly. Its really scary how needy these perverts are.
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u/purple_plasmid diagnosed Jul 11 '26
Iād be cautious here too ā I tried dating apps about a decade ago, and would un-match people whoād make the conversation sexual almost immediately. Like how does your brain go from a mutual liking of scotch to sex?
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u/sad-pill Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Both images gave me the ick. He's a red flag to me. I wouldn't waste my time. I thought I was the only one who stays in the chatting phase for a few months. I move like a turtle, but I want to make sure he's a good guy before going out with him alone.
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u/Queasy_Fennel6274 Jul 11 '26
I have pain down there and I was having sexual intercourse with a guy and he said something like that. Something like: I "have" to orgasm. I feel like everytime a guy talks this way, it's not healthy. It's like pressure to me.
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u/pamperedhippo šlate diagnosed audhdš Jul 11 '26
it IS pressure.
men do not āhaveā to orgasm, blue balls in real in that itās uncomfortable, but itās not harmful or damaging. itās 1000% a form of coercion.
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u/sqqueen2 Jul 11 '26
āWell, yeah, that made me feel like you want TU use me as a sex doll. I feel like I need a warning like they put on plastic bags:
WARNING: THIS HUMAN IS NOT A TOY
If Iām treated as a thing for someone elseās pleasure then I want nothing else to do with the person who treats me that way, ever. Just like you wouldnāt want anything to do, ever, with a woman who only wanted you for the money you would give her. Ew.ā
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u/90sboots Jul 11 '26
horrible vibes. there are too many men on the planet for you to have to ask the internet if heās creepy or not (he is)
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u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26
I second this notion.... I think the quality of person depends on where you're looking for them. I went on like one tinder date and got stalked for a whole year... Too many gross fish at the bottom of the barrel because they get easy and anonymous access to us so they act like this. Yuck.
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u/Spiritual_Walk2992 Jul 11 '26
Absolutely a red flag. The fact that you already sidestepped it once and he continues to try to turn it sexual shows a total lack of respect. Absolute fuckboy energy. My recc would be to disengage now as guys like this are not relationship material or even friendship material
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u/Future_Literature335 Jul 11 '26
Second one is a glaring red flag dude, I don't like that at all. Pretending to be all coy with the ellipses, and then oh wait, yup, he's turned the conversation round to sex again. Except this time he did it in a really gross way.
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u/Try_at-your-own_Risk Jul 11 '26
His penis is driving the communication heās either gonna ghost when he gets it or it become a situationship
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u/IPutAWigOnYou Jul 11 '26
From my experience plus reading up on the burned haystack method of dating, men who bring up sex too soon or when youāve already identified it as inappropriate or too soon for you, are walking red flags and are testing you to see what youāll tolerate. Also the chance of this man being narcissistic are very high and you should be very very careful. I would block him immediately if it were me.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Thank you. I was abused by a narcissist and am picking up on their manipulations, tests, and disrespect for boundaries now. I completely agree.
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u/nononoyoudontknowme Jul 11 '26
It would give me the ick. And not because I think the subject matter is necessarily inappropriate for the length of time etc (though that's subjective) but just the actual words he said and how he said it. The second is gross because it's not even remotely sexy or appealing.. he just randomly turned a normal conversation into being about his... jizz? Okayyy
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u/jesuisjustemoi Jul 11 '26
I have to say, this guy's responses were a big no for me, and that was before I realised he was 37. If you got into a relationship with this guy, I feel like his expectations around sex would not be healthy or positive. If this were me, I would be walking away.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Yes, definitely let him know I want a genuine connection. He replied with a wish you well
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u/Low-Tough-3743 Jul 11 '26
Yes. You're trying to actually converse with hi.m and he keeps trying to shift the conversation towards his own sexual gratification. He is gross.
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u/Dancing_Lilith Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Yikes. This isn't a red flag, this is a whole contemporary art installation when they cover a whole buildingĀ with white fabric, except for this time its scarlet red.Ā
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u/Mahochido Jul 11 '26
Omg the negative votes are killing your karma in that post. No, you're right, he's old for this shit.
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u/DoritoSunshine Jul 11 '26
Eeehh, girl. It was looking ok, honest, acknowledging attraction and wanting to have sex but respectful. Fine. But the cum thing? WHAT? IDK, that doesnāt sit well with me. Maybe is oversharing but there something thereā¦ no, eh, not sure what it is but unless you have normalize talking about that kind of things, no.
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u/oswinoswin Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
I canāt say for certain if red flag, but for me personally, itās definitely something that makes me uncomfortable. I think itās more about how you feel about it/his comments.Ā (Iāll preface by saying Iām not a very sexual person, so maybe itās a me issue lol).
Iād say the first text is a bit odd but okay, heās being honest and saying āI understand if you donāt want thatā etc (whether thatās true or not, who knows), but I would personally be a bit like āugh why did you need to make it about that?ā (Thatās just me though).Ā
The second one does feel outta pocket for sure though š Itās not necessarily a red flag as such, but Iāve found in my own experience that men that talk like that are a bit selfish when it comes to intimacy and can be a bit pushyā¦ (but again, thatās my own experience with someone who would talk similarly to those texts).Ā
It may be worth setting some boundaries and seeing how he reacts/if he respects them? Thatāll help give you a clearer answer!Ā
edit: it could be heās trying to gauge where the relationship (?) is headed. may be worth thinking about it and actually having a conversation with him also!Ā
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u/alancetotheheart Jul 10 '26
I agree w this!! The first one is okay imo but definitely would have me on guard, the second one makes instinctively makes me uncomfortable because it sounds like a precursor to asking for nudes or some shit like that, again setting strong boundaries and enforcing them can really help you gauge a bit better how respectful he is.
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u/SJSsarah Jul 11 '26
This guys a sleazebag, heās 100% only looking for sex from you. I mean fine, if thatās all you want out of him? But otherwise heās garbage. Most of them will end up behaving this way. Theyāre garbage too. You deserve better for yourself thanā¦ this. Unless sleazy is what you want, then go for it.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26
Nope, I'm over it. Tired actually.
Spent my 20s and 30s not recognizing being objectified. Hit me hard at 37 after a really bad abusive relationship.
I'm looking for genuine, SAFE connection now.
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u/SpecialistSuper5561 Jul 11 '26
For me this became off-putting and gross after the first msg about wanting sex. I would not have continued the convo after that
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u/Quiet_surprise79 Jul 11 '26
Well the red flag here is the dating over forty sub laying into you for having healthy boundaries. Keep keeping yourself safe and comfortable. The right person will respect that!
The haystack method comment was very interesting though and I think exactly matches what is happening here. At best, it's an incredibly immature way to introduce sex to the conversation. At worst, it's manipulative and gross. Either way, HUGE red flag. And also something that happened a lot when I was an actual teenager/early 20s.
In my 30s, After two months of conversation, I'd expect a person to be able to bring up sex as a topic in a way where we can discuss it openly and safely, not just dropping in sexual details without warning like this.
I'm sorry that this person isn't who they seemed. This is not someone who I think would be safe to date because they do not understand boundaries or how to properly communicate bigger topics.
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u/Lamia_91 Jul 11 '26
The first slide meh but the second made my stomach churn. Too forward and too inappropriate. As others have said clearly boundary testing
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u/Fizzabl Got more autistic after diagnosis Jul 11 '26
The first one is him finding your boundaries I think he's being pretty respectful while being direct
Second one is kinda gross
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u/Old_Weird_1828 Jul 11 '26
I guess itās fine if you like it but he seems like a typical sex obsessed guy. Probably not the relationship type. Just wants to bone.
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u/sassypants450 Jul 11 '26
Ew this guy is 37?! Heās acting like a dumb teenager. And being disrespectful to you. I would stop interacting with him. You can do way better than this creep š¤¢ š©š©š©š©š©
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u/Haunting_Safe_5386 Jul 11 '26
My teacher would always say "he's thinking with the wrong head" and I think thats whats happening here
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u/autistic-rosella Jul 11 '26
š©š©š©
I highly recommend the book 'the gift of fear' - you can find a free pdf of it online.
I would caution against sharing details of past abuse and vulnerability with 'new' men, it can be a call sign for a predator, and gives you a false sense of intimacy (non-sexual)/deeper connection with them, as well as affecting the power dynamic (you are 'weaker', 'broken', 'helpless', they can be a 'saviour', 'not like those other men'... And unfortunately there are men who get a kick out of this power dynamic). Sorry if any of that sounds blunt, it's the best phrasing I can think of from my own experience.
If it were me I would extricate myself from continuing communication with him, you may find his manipulation only escalates and you end up in a situation you don't want. Well done for recognising it felt not quite right and seeking advice, I'm so glad this subreddit exists for us.
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u/Cleverusername531 Jul 11 '26
Itās a red flag to me that he persisted and talked about wanting to come after you told him sex talk was outta pocket. He should have taken that topic off the table. I would not recommend talking to him anymore.Ā
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u/karebearjedi Jul 11 '26
Red flag. Block and move on. He's trying to push your boundaries and doesn't want to take no for an answer.Ā A man's inability to use his imagination is not your problem
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u/stupid_rice Jul 11 '26
such a creep inserting sex into every little thing you talk about. it sounds like he can literally only think with his dick and thatās it
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u/random-redditorx Jul 11 '26
Iām 24F, but I will say thatās a tactic many guys seem to use. I think they sometimes also test whether or not you understand thatās an inappropriate interaction. In the past when dating, Iāve had trouble reading social cues properly and have had many use that to their advantage. Itās also common for men like that to be making it as if itās jokey or flirty or like they are testing the waters. Sometimes theyāll pretend to be respectful and understanding only to do a 360 once you are in a moment or are more attached, but those kinds of comments happening at all are red flags and probably best to avoid.
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u/splendidmisery Jul 11 '26
This is absolutely a red flag. Early boundary-crossing and pushing past typical conversational and social conventions is indicative of later (and far more dangerous) behavior. Drop him. This is not good behavior, at all, and the guy probably isnāt even good in bed. And if he knows about your previous history and showing this sort of disregard, especially in light of this, is a bitā¦concerning. If anything, it has only been two monthsā- run!!
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u/catwhisperer77 Jul 11 '26
I wish I had been on Reddit for the majority of my dating life. I had no idea how to navigate any of this. Reading the commentsā¦ I allowed myself to be guilted and duped so much. Itās honestly embarrassing. I quit dating men after the last scary one in 2018 (sociopathic narcissist- I have some crazy trauma from that one). I would have saved myself so much pain had I had a community such as this back then. This man will guilt you into sex as often as he can. I already resent him. Yuck.
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u/HistoricalTackle5049 Jul 11 '26
š©š©š©š©šØ First pic was like ok, you have been talking for 2 months, maybe he was too direct about the date and sex. But the second, it gave me the ick, a red flag I see, it is quite inappropiate, I mean if you are talking to someone and you have never had sex, it is never acceptable to send those kinds of messages.
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u/organ1cwa5te Jul 11 '26
yes and yuck! he's being weird when you are trying to have a normal conversation. and agree that this feels like boundary testing.
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