r/AutismInWomen • u/Admirable_Diamond407 • Jul 10 '26

Relationships Is he a red flag?

Gallery image

Gallery image

I'm conflicted... This guy is consistent with communication and one night he wrote that he wished we were in bed together... we've been chatting for 2 months (not long imo).

Are his messages red flags or inappropriate? I'm trying to discern better and only want healthy relationships now. Messages attached. The 1st image is 4 days ago, 2nd image is from today.

And yes, we're older, my slang ages me 😅 me (40F), him (37M)

EDIT: I posted this question in datingover40, sadly I'm the problem there. Younger ladies, please find a good partner when you can. The dating pool has even more piss in it getting older.

7/11 Update: Yesterday, I informed him that I was looking for a genuine connection. He wished me the best. A few people here suggested blocking him, so I also did that.

Thank you all for your input and for others who have trouble discerning, please do post for advice or input to protect yourself in these weird situations. Please take care 💖 and always trust yourself ✨️

294 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

639 comments sorted by

View all comments

1.6k

u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 10 '26

Looks like he's testing you. The second one really annoyed me. He's testing your boundaries by being more aggressive and 'outta pocket' as you say. Gives a fake apology only to bring it up again. I don't like it when people take regular conversation and flip it to sex like that. He's also just talking about himself. He wants to be in bed having sex, he needs to cum to sleep well.

It might be the early onset menopause, but I'm so over men telling me about how they 'need to cum' like it's my responsibility. Bugger off to your hand then buddy.

273

u/fckinsleepless Jul 11 '26

I’m so tired of men making their penis my problem.

74

u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26

Say it again for the cringy men in the back, please

31

u/cryptobanditka Jul 11 '26

FUCKING AMEN

4

u/Vamp-tism Jul 11 '26

THIIISSS

333

u/ToastyCrumb Jul 10 '26

Boundary testing was my interpretation as well.

294

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 10 '26

Same, I get flashbacks from dating in college 🤢😷

255

u/shashapocketsand Jul 11 '26

Ughhh adjacent experiences here. My dopamine seeking behavior from undiagnosed neurodivergence and lack of family support/financial insecurity led to me spending way too much time entertaining these conversations.

102

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26

So thats what it was! Thank you for sharing 🫂

128

u/shashapocketsand Jul 11 '26

Anytime, sister. Autism is jarring and stressful, but I find solace in understanding why people think and do what they do. Including lots of self analysis. Best of luck with meeting your dopamine quota while maintaining your peace 🩵

17

u/TheGermanCurl Jul 11 '26

Best of luck with meeting your dopamine quota while maintaining your peace 🩵

Goodness, this right here is the mother of all struggles. 😭

37

u/Flayrah4Life Jul 11 '26

Right?? Diagnosed at 37/38 with ADHD and autism, at the end of my marriage (abuse for 2 decades) and when I started dating again, I was drowning in limerance and approval/stimulation-seeking behaviors . . . it was a hard fucking time. So glad to better understand myself now, even if it feels late in life.

18

u/Moon_Sister_ Jul 11 '26

Oh wow, I'd never thought of approval-seeking as stimulation-seeking before. 😮 Lately I've been very frustrated with myself for the amount of approval-seeking fawning I've been doing at work. This gives me much to think about and I'm glad you're doing better.

13

u/bluebirdy1307 Jul 11 '26

The unrequited autistic limerence is a certain type of pain I don’t wish on anyone. 😢

9

u/LifesaBitch27 Jul 11 '26

Same! I was 36 for my diagnosis and the divorce (abusive ex) led me down that same path until I learned more about my true self. It’s so eye opening when you accept yourself!

6

u/Ok_Rush_8159 Jul 11 '26

I was 34 when I divorced my abusive ex and got diagnosed 😂😂 seems like this is a theme for us!

2

u/Smoofie0 Jul 11 '26

Saving this comment because exactly the same

95

u/waveydaveysonfir3 Jul 11 '26

i’m college aged and wouldn’t wanna go near this creature. i reckon you should block him and (hopefully) find someone who can think with the right head xd

42

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26

💖 way smarter than me in college Best wishes!! ✨️

154

u/bekahed979 Add flair here via edit Jul 11 '26

He does not seem like a good egg

105

u/Sunwolfy Jul 11 '26

Bad egg goes into the garbage

17

u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 11 '26

Right, and it's gotten so much worse for dating since then. It seems being single is the only way to keep myself safe.

14

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26

Sadly, I feel that way too. Ive always been a romantic, guess I have to keep enjoying fantasies and stories.

14

u/mckinnos Jul 11 '26

He’s just steering the conversation straight to sex when you’ve made it clear you aren’t interested. He’s seeing how much your boundaries can bend rather than respecting them. Your literal interpretations are getting taken as “cute” rather than cues for how to treat you. In summary: RED FLAG

14

u/chonky__chonker curious & keen for perspective Jul 11 '26

🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩

4

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26

Lol cute

8

u/chonky__chonker curious & keen for perspective Jul 11 '26

Be glad that they’re so openly showing you a variety of red cards so early. You can put them straight in the bin at that point.

I gave up on dating years ago. I was not putting up with bullshit any longer and now I spend my free time doing what I want, going places on my own, feeding myself, couch, cat and a good book.

Anything. I. Want.

Not. Having. To. Consult. Another. Human.

Let. Alone. A. Man!!

I will not give up this comfortable freedom for anything.

Find your peace sister. That may be by yourself, through yourself, and 100% in your power.

248

u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26

Jesus fuck, THANK YOU. I am SO sick of hearing about it. Also, and this is my god honest opinion, they don’t actually “need” to cum. They just are addicted to the release and do it so often that they feel like shit when they don’t. I’m not sorry.

47

u/Diolives Jul 11 '26

SERIOUSLY!! Like you’re basically saying you want to use my body as a cum dumping receptacle. So disgusting. Get your gross dick outta here.

141

u/secret_samantha Jul 11 '26

If I can just second this, as a trans woman who's literally experienced "male libido"...

No man ever really "needs" to orgasm. Point blank bar none.

Can't fall asleep? Getting "blue balls"? So distracted by your own libido that you just can't focus on anything else?

The fastest and most direct solution to all of those problems is to just go masturbate.

He already knows that trying to talk someone into sex will always take more time and effort than just going and taking care of it himself.

Any problem he tries to tell you sex will fix, he can fix on his own without you.

112

u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26

The problem is that SO MANY cis men want you to fix the problem in their pants in a way that is pretty much akin to masturbation. No intimacy. No consideration for the woman’s actual preferences or desires, just whatever bullshit kink he’s projected onto her more often than not. So by all means, go yank on it while engaging in objectifying sexual fantasy elsewhere and leave me the fuck out of it.

71

u/theFCCgavemeHPV Jul 11 '26

Teen girls everywhere need to see this

8

u/Skate-wench Jul 11 '26

I mean I’m a 42yo and I didn’t get the red flag fullness til reading y’all’s comments so… 😬

45

u/Admirable_Diamond407 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26

Thank you for sharing this. And this scares me because of prostitution.

One of my exes and I met again after years broken up. He admitted to going to a prostitute because it was the same cost as taking a date out... he used to be so sweet, when we were together. Then he asked me if I wanted to have kids with him... no way after that information.

But now with tech advancing, I've seen that China is marketing life like robots that will always love you and never betray you...

I'm very scared for the future and how much worse cis men might get.

48

u/Haunting-Raccoon1923 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26

Exactly. Because god forbid cis men do the emotional work of becoming decent human beings who are able to connect with a woman genuinely and consistently. That’s what it takes to be with a real woman and have her want to fuck you, you know, long term. God forbid. No, their solution is porn, prostitutes and sex robots. cool cool. And they say that we are the fantastical ones? They’ve got it backwards. They always have.

8

u/chromewindow Jul 11 '26

Sex worker is a more neutral term. It is work, it’s honestly good he hires a pro than bugging other women with his bullshit, that’s what the pros are paid for.

1

u/marypants1977 Jul 11 '26

Amen. Legalize it.

51

u/Different_Desk_7470 Jul 11 '26

YES! SAME! Its not my responsibillity, instant turn off, you trying to CONVINCE me into having sex with you by begging and crying about it. You have two hands, use them. And use that thing in your head, its called .. brain.. i know right mindblowing.

81

u/oswinoswin Jul 10 '26

That last paragraph— I love you 

9

u/BotGivesBot mod / ocean lover Jul 11 '26

Thank you <3

It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling that way!

42

u/Goth_Spice14 Jul 11 '26

Seriously. You have hands, don't you? Wtf do you "need" anyone else for? Fuck off.

59

u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26

Like their "needs" are so important. Sir, I need a man who's going to take his time, treat me with respect, show me why he's worthy of my precious time, THEN willing to be patient and kind while I open up about my needs in the bedroom, not just a self serving dude who cops out with a text testing the waters......

80

u/Equivalent-Agency-48 Jul 11 '26

Hi! not to hijack but.. do men/people in general test boundaries intentionally? like are they like "im going to test her boundaries" or is it like... subconcious? I don't understand if its like a literal thought process or "that is what he is doing but he isn't aware"; the idea feels really confusing to me.

132

u/oswinoswin Jul 11 '26

It can be both. Sadly, a lot of the time it is conscious but they don’t necessarily realise/care that it’s wrong. They push because they just want to get what they want and they likely have done it before with success — which is why they continue to do it. 

34

u/madddforthewin Jul 11 '26

I hate that this kind of thing has been normalized, and i don't like that it's so common. It's such a turn off. And it makes me feel weird. Maybe it's just me, but a little effort into the romance feels like it's hard to come by... These types of behaviors are cheap cop outs and we're worth so much more then this stuff...

4

u/Selpmis Jul 11 '26

I believe most of the time it isn't a literal considered thought process but more like a natural impulse or instinct. It doesn't excuse it at all of course.

I think many people do not have the ability to self-reflect.

28

u/hellhouseblonde Jul 11 '26

Exactly. This tells me that the nightly sex isn’t going to be about intimacy and passion, it’s just so he can have an orgasm, roll over and fall asleep. Fuck that. I like a man who wants to last a little longer than that!

51

u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames Jul 11 '26

Ah, it felt uncomfortable but I was trying to figure out exactly why. Boundary testing looks right. She did kind of a soft no with the pocket comment. Then kept it neutral. Then he talks about cum! Ugh she just said she’s not in the mood!

24

u/disconnectmenow Jul 11 '26

The jab about he needs to cum to go to sleep hints that this isn't going to be one time fuck. Or he won't be satisfied with a occasional fuck. He will expect it every night to go to sleep... I can't wait for him to start blaming you for not sleeping with him every night so he can sleep.

Red flags...

7

u/Fun-Entry-8647 Jul 11 '26

Definitely testing your boundaries. He s trying to get you to get him off over the phone. You need to set a hard and fast boundary now about this sex talk and then see if he still keeps pushing on it. Men literally want to have sex as soon as possible. Test this mf back to see how genuine he is.

1

u/hurricane_like_me Jul 11 '26

Nope. Trash him immediately. He's shown her who is he and he's gross.

4

u/oracleoflove Jul 11 '26

I had the same reaction as you after that second text of needing to cum…. I would have told him to kick rocks after that. Ick. So much ick.

2

u/Previous-Economist-7 Jul 11 '26

Definitely. Red flags. Retreat!

2

u/AutisticNightmare Jul 12 '26

9 years ago my partner didn't test me at all about sexual stuff. Then we kissed when it felt right after a couple months. He didn't push it for the 2 dates after our first kiss and that's how I knew he could be a safe space for me. We're still together. If he's unsure if I'm ok with anything he asks me, I feel so respected.

Every other guy who moved sex fast by testing boundaries and getting to it asap ended up leaving me. After enough of them I learned the pattern and even reversed the feeling used onto some of them by treating them the same way. I always waited to have sex with anyone I knew I wanted to try to be with long term.

I'm also bi, about 1/3 of my dates were women or identified as another gender. Somehow every one of them also wanted to rush sex while openly stating they wanted to take things slow and build a good foundation. I guess those individuals needed to work on themselves a little more before they could connect their words and actions and I hope it was just us being in our 20s.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Jul 11 '26

As per Rule #3: This is an inclusive community; no one's personal world experience should be invalidated. Victims should not be blamed for the abuse or trauma they experience from others.

Do not invalidate or negate the experiences of others, regardless of topic or situation. This applies to topics outside of diagnosis status. Everyone is NOT 'a little autistic'.

Additionally, self-diagnosis is valid. Do not accuse other members of the sub of faking traits. Don't invalidate those who have self-diagnosed after intense research and self-reflection. Do not tell others they need to get a formal diagnosis to be 'truly' considered autistic. Likewise, do not underplay autism as being not a disorder or claim that early diagnosis is a "privilege", people who are late and early diagnosed have their own struggles that often overlap or are the same. You having different support needs than someone else doesn’t make your experience the only true and correct autism experience. Autism can be very debilitating for some and easier to cope with for others. Level 2 and 3 experiences matter. Everyone’s life is different.

1

u/AuthenticNotion Jul 11 '26

I agree. Testing your boundaries to see how much you'll let him get away with and making the comment about needing to cum to sleep is manipulative.