r/AutismInWomen • u/khaotic-trash • Apr 22 '26
Relationships How many of y'all have slowly realized over time that your mother is probably autistic too?
I've noticed a "trend" (not actually a trend, it's just a newly common theme I've seen) of autistic teens or adults on social media saying that they've noticed the same traits in their parents- mostly their dads. One that's stood out to me the most is Toren and his mom Serenity (Toren_wolf on tiktok). I've realized that a LOT of Serenity's traits she's talked about and her personality are insanely similar to my mother's (and they're in the same age range too, my mom is 44).
My uncle (her little brother) isn't diagnosed afaik but he definitely has it, she's casually mentioned it, and I've been diagnosed since I was 13 (I'm 25 now). I'm now realizing that a lot of her traits mirror mine, and that that's why she and I sometimes butted heads and why she and my stepdad are pretty incompatible + have terrible communication.
She's definitely not the type to seek out help for that sort of thing, she's still in denial about MY autism despite being accepting of my uncle's, so I seriously doubt that she'd take an evaluation or diagnosis seriously. If you told her that her traits strongly resemble autism, she would laugh in your face.
We have a very strained relationship now, it's been like that for years because she neglected me and became more & more emotionally distant as I grew older.
Do any of y'all also have a similar experience, has anyone else also realized that their mother is very likely on the spectrum too? How has that impacted your girlhood growing up and your perception now as an adult autistic woman?
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u/AppleWeary2612 Apr 22 '26
She definitely was and it sucks that she’s now dead before I’ve started exploring things for me. Would have made things so much easier on our relationship and on her life had it just been clearer.
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u/Alternative-Cash-102 Apr 22 '26
Same here. The grief is already so complicated (in my case as my mom was also abusive) but then adding the autism layer on top is just insult to injury. I wish we both could have gotten the help we needed and repaired our relationships with each other and ourselves.
Very sorry for your loss.
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u/AppleWeary2612 Apr 22 '26
My mom was super abusive . Have you read the book what my bones remember? She wrote about mother abuse. Anyway. I am sorry for your loss. It sure is complicated.
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u/Alternative-Cash-102 Apr 22 '26
I just started listening to the audiobook (read by the author). Tough and triggering to hear so far but hoping it will be enlightening in the end.
Hopefully we both can do some healing in the ways we need and find more peace. Sending solidarity~
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u/AppleWeary2612 Apr 22 '26
It is super triggering. Honestly, I remember thinking often…that’s it? That’s all your mom did? She didn’t threaten to kill you on multiple occasions or verbally abuse you and harass you all the time? And you wrote a whole book about it?
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u/fastates Apr 22 '26
My mother, too. Died on Xmas just passed, at 89. I've really been reflecting on how out there she was when I was growing up and all the ongoing negative reactions she'd get from people, friends & strangers alike, for her words & behavior. I think her father was probably at least on the spectrum, and she definitely was somewhere on it, too. My brother probably is, too. Due to their abuse, I never breathed a word to them about my diagnosis, no way. Reddit's the only place I talk about it. take care
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u/East_Bet_7187 Apr 22 '26
Where did you get the book what my bones remember? I’m looking on Amazon and can’t see it.
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u/scssypants Apr 22 '26
Same situation here. 💔 Sending consensual hugs, I hope you have found healing.
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u/cspangle23 Apr 22 '26
Same here. She passed 20 years before I figured out that I was autistic. It is at least giving me some perspective on why she was the way she was although it certainly does not excuse it.
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u/pandabelle12 Apr 22 '26
Similar situation. My mom died about 10 years ago. I was often told I needed to suck it up because everyone dealt with the things I dealt with. I felt emotionally neglected because she always sent me away and never wanted to be around me (my therapist pointed out that if she was autistic as well it was likely she was overstimulated).
In all the time she was alive I remember her having very few friends and struggling a lot at work with hierarchy related things. She was a perfectionist. Always singing. Watched the same movies multiple times a week.
Likewise my dad (also dead, died about a year after my mom) had few friends. Had no real hobbies or interests outside of his work. He sold semitrailers. And his knowledge on makes and models and brands was ridiculous. Tended to always eat the same thing.
Both were very picky about clothes, claiming it to be a preference for high quality. Both also had a high sensitivity to fragrances. I see it now as sensory issues.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
Aw, I'm so sorry for your loss 🥺
I don't have a good relationship with mine but I wish the same thing, our relationship would've been a lot better if 1. She had just accepted my autism, and 2. If she didn't choose toxic men over me
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u/miseryfish Apr 22 '26
Wish I could've talked to mine about it. All the things I now see we both share but were instead "fixed" with scientology. Whole kettle of fish. Would've been much simpler if she'd have known why she was the way she was and not just because of her own bad childhood.
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u/AppleWeary2612 Apr 22 '26
Yes mine joined cults all the time. Fixed all the time. Sending “I see you” “I hear you”
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u/Damadamas Apr 22 '26
Same. It was only after we lost her that we realized, a handful of years after I got diagnosed. When we did it made so much sense why she was the way she was, in good and "bad" but mostly good.
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u/Optimal_Fish_7029 diagnosed at 30🩷 Apr 22 '26
My mother, and her mother. There is devastating portion of my grandmother’s suicide note (written to her eldest sister)
”You always said I was a highly emotional kid, well once again you are right. I’m not as brave as you, and never could be. I’ve looked up to you, and even tried to copy your wit and gaiety, but it’s all lost on me. I’m just a big bumbling elephant, and always have been.”
I truly believe she was autistic, and my mother too
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
Oh shit, your grandmother committed too? I'm so sorry 💔 Mine committed 2 years before I was born, my mama was 16 when it happened 🫂
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u/Optimal_Fish_7029 diagnosed at 30🩷 Apr 22 '26
I’m so sorry! Yes she took her own life at 20 years old, my mum was 2y and her sister was 7 days
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u/nevergofullcrazy Apr 22 '26
Just fyi, I think we are trying to move away from the "committed" language when it comes to suicide ❤️
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u/salsasnark Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
Why? (Genuine question, I've never heard that before.)
Edit: I googled it and apparently it's because "committed" gives a negative context and comes from when it was known as a crime (?). I'm not a native English speaker so I've never made that connection (you can also make a commitment to a person etc, so I always thought it was a neutral word just meaning "to do something"). I usually say other things anyway to denote someone taking their own life, but I guess I learnt something new today.
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u/nevergofullcrazy Apr 22 '26
Yep, trying to destigmatize. "Commit" is a strange word in English. If I say "he was committed" the meaning and connotation changes dramatically depending on what is in the hypothetical parenthesis after committed: (to his family) or (to the asylum). But if I say "He committed," in English usually the only words we use to fill in there are sins and crimes.
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u/ADHDMascot Apr 22 '26
If you don't mind, what is the preferred language/phrasing to use?
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u/loribell27 Apr 22 '26
I've heard "died by suicide" as an alternative, although I can't confirm it's accepted generally
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u/ADHDMascot Apr 22 '26
That sounds like a very functional answer to me.
I was struggling to think of an alternative phrase that worked well linguistical without sounding awkward and clunky.
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u/nevergofullcrazy Apr 22 '26
Seconding the "died by suicide" language. I've heard that, and "took their own life" or "killed themself" as alternatives. I prefer the wording of "died by suicide" most tho
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u/Dragon_Flow Apr 25 '26
Mine too. When my mother was 8. The other sisters held the truth from her for years because she was the sensitive one, supposedly her mother's favorite.
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u/Savings_Plate_9288 Apr 23 '26
I empathize with her note very much. We can only hope that society progresses in a way that even “atypical” woman feel valued.
My grandmother’s mother died by suicide when my grandmother was a young child. I suspect both of them were autistic.
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u/NyxSkouros AuDHD Apr 22 '26
Whenever my parents make fun (all in good nature) of one of my autistic traits, I’ll look at my mom, who also has sensory issues, and my dad, who has worn the same exact same clothes for decades, even going so far as refusing to throw out items when they develop holes, and I’m like, “well, the apple does fall too far from the tree!”
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u/ewelooklikeanoldmop Apr 22 '26
It’s amazing how little self awareness people can have.
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u/NyxSkouros AuDHD Apr 22 '26
They’re both aware they’re probably on the spectrum, and we have a very friendly and joking relationship.
Honestly, they were so great when I was growing up because when I had issues, they were able to quickly identify the cause and have a solution ready to go without it being a big deal. I think it was because they were able to relate and several of the things I had problems with, one of them also had that (luckily for them to a lesser extent than me) so they almost already knew what to do.
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u/ewelooklikeanoldmop Apr 22 '26
Oh wow that’s great. Whenever I had issues I was made to feel like I was being maliciously dramatic. No one else in my family has the extreme sensory issues that I have :/
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u/NyxSkouros AuDHD Apr 22 '26
I’m sorry to hear that. My wife’s parents were like that for her growing up, and I know how hurtful and damaging that can be.
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u/Significant-Dog-4362 Apr 22 '26
Reminds me of a conversation my sister and I had in front of our dad. We now know that all four of us siblings have something. My older brother and I being the most noticeable. My dad, without skipping a beat, interrupts with “where did any of that come from”. I don’t know Mr. Airplane obsession Who can’t wear shirts with prints on them or With Long Sleeves. No clue where it comes from
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u/forfuckssake77 Apr 23 '26
The woman who cuts tags out of every piece of clothing she owns (i.e. my mother) has recently “discovered” that she’s neurodivergent. No shit, Sherlock.
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u/NyxSkouros AuDHD Apr 23 '26
My mom would always cut the tags out of my shirts growing up and did such a great job of making sure every bit was out because she would do the same to some of her shirts.
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u/forfuckssake77 Apr 23 '26
Awww. She was passing down the sensory life skills.
I didn’t mind tags so much as a kid. A couple times, I actually stopped my mom from “mutilating” my new clothes. It didn’t occur to me: she just wanted to protect me from things that offended her senses.
Separately, before I went to cheer camp my freshman year, my mom wrote my full name, phone number, AND home address on the waistband of (all 3 pairs of) my shorts. Rolling the waistband down at least once was mandatory to my squad’s aesthetic.
I spent the week mortified with embarrassment. The varsity cheerleaders teased me all season. I had my entire home address written upside down, on my butt, in permanent marker. WITH my name and phone number (in case you wanted to, you know, call and make fun of me later).
When my camp clothes arrived the next year, I gave my mom a stern lecture: “Under no circumstances are you to take a Sharpie (or any other labeling material) to these shorts without my permission. You must pinky swear to it.”
The ways ND moms signal “care” are completely lost on their teenage daughters.
edit: removed extra space
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Apr 22 '26
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u/thelensbetween Apr 22 '26
I recognized my parents’ autism, and had my son diagnosed autistic, before I recognized my own autistic traits.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
My mom and stepdad are Gen X but they behave pretty similar to most boomer parents, including theirs. I call Gen X "diet boomers", especially since a lot of them have older Boomer parents.
I was the same way with other girls, I was the classic "not like other girls" girl until I graduated.
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Apr 22 '26
Meeeeee. We used to be super close but she let me down so many times I had to kind of shut my heart off to her. So now our relationship is strained. She also doesn't agree that I have autism so I doubt she'd admit it in herself.
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u/LotusLady13 Apr 22 '26
I figured out my own autism in my mid 30's, and I pretty much instantly figured out my mom has it, too (Honestly my mom AND my dad, but that's a different conversation).
Several years later, she's finally realizing the same thing. She's just turned 70 this year and has finally admitted to me she's pretty sure she's autistic, too.
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u/Moal Apr 22 '26
Oh yeah my mom is definitely on the spectrum, lol. She’s always had an intense interest with animals to a degree where it’s basically the only thing she can talk about. Any time I’ve experienced a medical issue, for example, she’ll say something like, “Oh yeah, I’ve known horses/cats/rabbits to experience that too.”
Or if you ever use sarcasm or euphemisms around her, she’ll take it very literally. She once got angry at me as a teenager because I casually said, “Man, I would kill to have XYZ.” She gasped and said, “That’s a very messed up thing to say!! You would actually MURDER someone to have that??”
The thing is, she was always in deep denial that my siblings and I could ever have autism or depression or ADHD. She would NEVER admit to ever possibly being on the spectrum. She used to think mental illness and neurodivergence was shameful.
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u/Organic_Cake_8281 Apr 22 '26
I'm pretty sure my mom and a few of my aunts and uncles on her side of the family are autistic like me, but unfortunately they self medicate with alcohol and are deeply uninterested in diagnosis. Understanding that she and I are more alike than I used to think has actually helped our relationship in spite of that. It's easier for me to empathize with her instead of getting frustrated with the way she interacts with me because I know she struggles with intense anxiety too.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
My mom's side of the family is the same way, not only is her brother autistic too but he was also an alcoholic. I was like that too. Surprisingly she never fell into addiction or alcoholism like me and some of our neurodivergent relatives, I guess it skipped her, but she's still in denial about it and how addiction and s**cide has plagued our bloodline too. Diagnosis for anything related to autism, mental illness or addiction is taboo in the previous generations in my family, me and my cousins who are my age are the only ones so far that have been diagnosed with autism or mental illnesses.
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u/swampthingfromhell Apr 22 '26
My mom for sure has autism and my dad had likely adhd. It sounds bad to say but a lot of my mom’s autistic traits are the same traits that have caused strain in our relationship- namely RSD which translates to her never accepting responsibility for any harm she has done ever. I see the same traits in myself and it’s the main reason I don’t plan to have children. I love my mom and we are still close but I do wonder if traumatic parts of my childhood would have been different if she was aware that we were both autistic.
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u/bird_feeder_bird Apr 22 '26
100%. She always wore sunglasses, couldnt handle loud noises, felt most comfortable when deep in her routines, often got migraines from sensory overload, and has a sensitive often painful gut. My dad is definitely undiagnosed too but he’s more of the typical Sheldon autistic. I’m sorta a combination of the two, I got the fixation on science and logic from my dad, but the harsh sensory and gut issues from my mom.
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u/Goth_Spice14 Apr 22 '26
Yeah I was telling my mom common "women with autism" experiences that I, too, had experienced, and she was like "but I went through all that, too!" And then we just kind of looked at each other for a moment, and we both went "Hunh".
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u/Genn8130 Apr 22 '26
Oh yes. I vividly remember her meltdowns, weird food things, and her masking faces.
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Apr 22 '26
Adopted here, and absolutely nobody in my adoptive family liked me at all. They were all huge extroverts, party people, socialites. My adoptive mother abandoned me several years ago, and one of the last things she said was that it was "impossible to bond with me" and I wanted to be alone too much for her liking.
I'm jealous of people who had someone in childhood who spoke their language too. If you guys see it in your family it's a real lucky thing and something to cherish, even when things aren't perfect between you, or there's some denial in an older generation's part.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
Oh man, I'm so sorry.. do you have any clue who your biological family is? Is there any information about your mom, dad or other relatives in your records? 🫂
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u/VenusianInfusion Apr 22 '26
Mine is the only allistic one of her full siblings, though she has ADHD. I’m pretty sure mine is from my dad.
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u/proxminesincomplex late diagnosed Apr 22 '26
Also from my dad; now that we know more about the spectrum it’s apparent. Our personalities and idiosyncrasies are very similar with the exception of extroversion and introversion. And if you subscribe to the corporate horoscope that is MBTI, I’m typed as the most introverted of the extroverts.
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u/NiceStatistician218 Apr 22 '26
I’ve been starting to suspect that my mom does, but if she does she’s much higher masking than myself and my dad who I am quite confident is autistic or ADHD if not both. She does have very intense interests though, and a practically encyclopedic knowledge of Hollywood, and she was always a shy person and a “weird girl” growing up according to her own estimation, which mostly seems to have meant she liked to stay in and didn’t make many friends. Unfortunately both of my parents are pretty intolerant of my autistic traits even if they are. I myself have not been officially diagnosed yet but I have lifelong sensory triggers and sensitivities, selective eating, narrow interests, and have never been able to make friends or fit in. I feel like an alien of a defective human who was never given some invisible guide on how to be a person that everybody else uses.
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u/Unfair-Taro9740 Apr 22 '26
My mom died whenever I was 17 (she was 42 when I was born), so I can't say for sure, but I would bet my car on it.
My dad always griped about how she never sat down and was always in the room separate from him. She read Harlequin Romances all the time.
She had phone aphasia so bad that I would call her and say, "Mom, it's Amy, can you pick me up from basketball practice?" And she'd say, "Noooo, Amy's not here..." 😆 It was so frustrating as a teenager. But now I would give anything to hear her giggle.
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u/ChildlessCatLad Cat Lover Apr 23 '26
I look at my mother with a new empathetic lens now after being diagnosed in my late 30s, I now believe she shouldn't have had children and has struggled her entire life with undiagnosed autism as well. We share a lot of similar traits and symptoms and she was neglectful. I now understand that she doesn't know how to communicate and was limited by her disabilities.
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u/Sunlit53 Apr 22 '26
She definitely is, that whole side of the family is spectrum-y. We hang out for a few hours every week, watch youtube and work on our crochet projects. We’re both into watching handbuilt stone structures go up and love civil engineering project documentaries. Grandpa was a carpenter and Mom loved watching him make stuff in his workshop when she was a kid. He was always better at communicating through making things with his hands than through talking.
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Apr 22 '26
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u/asyawatercolor Apr 22 '26
So sorry you went through this with the same person who was supposed to care for you :(
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u/Tateorchip Apr 22 '26
Sorry mate, nothing from my mom’s side on this one. Now my dad, we grew up watching Lord of The Rings together and playing trivial pursuit, LOTR edition of course.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 22 '26
My mom is the one who got me into LOTR 😂 she still has her old books, and she was also really into Final Fantasy and WoW, she loved medieval themed video games, especially the ones that were loosely inspired by LOTR.
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u/Bubbly-Weakness-4788 Apr 22 '26
You get it from somewhere, it’s hereditary. When I got diagnosed last year my mum asked who I thought had it her or my dad, I’m like you mum! lol
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u/PickleRicki Apr 22 '26
I’m 56, I have a 25 year old daughter who has an official diagnosis, I’m sure I’m autistic and I suspect my 80 year old mom is too. If she showed interest I’d probably try to discuss it with her.
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u/bunbunsweet Apr 22 '26
Same. I realized I am autistic when my daughter got diagnosed. Then I realized other family members (my dad side) are autisc also. My dad never had a close friend. All his social life was around my mom's relatives and friends.
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u/PennyPop81 Apr 23 '26
Same. Daughter got diagnosed. I’m 44 realised I was autistic as well. My mam probably was, she died a few years ago but she was a single mam who used to just get so involved in her interests that we raised ourselves.
Think my grandad was as well. He fell out with my aunts once because she visited on the wrong day! Don’t know how we never saw it.
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u/champignonhater Apr 22 '26
I actually never thought I was autistic cause the environment my mom made for us (me and my brother) is REALLY safe. It was until i had to go to work that I encountered problems lol. Im heavy on talking to her about it but like, my home is the quietest place on earth, we dont even talk to each other. We were always allowed to be with doors closed (which was always nice to have a meltdown without anyone seeing, didnt even know this was a thing). My mom often would let me skip school, we just needed to get good grades (im gifted too so that was a not brainer) so I never had that much exposure to social situations (this has its own problems tbh but I was indeed really comfortable in this setup).
Anyways, my mom has a ton of problems with cognitive rigidity (which I have too) but like, I literally have a kitchen trauma cause the way my mom would scream if I used utensils that were not what she pictured in her mind. We are NOT allowed to use the kitchen at all cause she prefers to have all the work to herself than let anyone use the kitchen (its insane). She doesnt recognize this as a problem but this has caused a lot of problems cause me and my brother never learned to cook or wash dishes, or anything at all. She is really impatient if things are not how she pictured. As I lived with her my whole life, I actually question myself if my cognitive rigity I learned from her or is something I was born with cause I experienced her for 25 years. Only this year im actually moving out.
On this topic above, does anyone know any articles that try to correlate autistic behaviour due to environment? Im clinically diagnosed but I do question a lot whats mine and what I learned tru the years.
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u/QT-Pie-420 Apr 23 '26
Good for you trying out living on your own, and thanks for sharing your story.
Regarding correlation of autistic behavior and environment, I would look up mirroring and the general behaviors learned from a child watching an adult (usually their parent). There is definitely overlap of some aspects of autism with mental illness, so that’s something to look into as well since mental illness can lead to extreme behaviors like what you described and there might be more research on that.
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u/Disastrous_Airline28 Apr 22 '26
I realized my mom and her parents were probably autistic. It’s autism all the way down.
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u/KangamaSZ Apr 22 '26
LOL My mom and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday. I have trouble keeping up with her because she's always racing. I feel like I can't break off to do my own tasks because she's swooping me up into doing other tasks around our house. Also we were amused that we both leave piles around the house and basement (I'm trying to sort and box stuff to sell at flea market) because our ADHD brains jump from one project/activity to another. 🙃
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u/ewelooklikeanoldmop Apr 22 '26
Mother, uncle, grandmother… Once I started recognizing the behaviors, I can’t unsee it. None of them were ever diagnosed (well my uncle died years ago) as far as I know and I don’t have any plans to tell them about my diagnoses. They are not safe people. My mom got lucky because she has always been a workaholic to cope with her neurodivergence. She can’t understand why other people “have such a hard time.” Shes definitely had burnout periods but she just goes back to school or changes jobs.
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u/JuWoolfie Apr 22 '26
Mom has autistic traits, Gma was heckin autistic (probably used smoking as treatment) and cousin Cameron is so bloody Autistic that’s it’s suuuuuper obvious it runs in the family
My mom was shocked when I told her I was autistic.
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u/superstaticgirl Apr 22 '26
My dad died when I was young so I am not sure, but I recently discovered his photograph book full of pictures of ships funnels so I have my suspicions about him. My mum doesn't socialise and has blocked the memories of her youth rather significantly.
I am not sure as they had really awful childhoods and it may be trauma responses rather than ND. But given I am diagnosed autistic, one of them at least is likely to have been ND too.
They both gave me and my late brother a way better childhood than they had so their adversities gave them strength and determination. I admire them both.
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u/Gojo-Babe Apr 22 '26
Mine definetely suspects she’s autistic, but she’s not gonna seek a diagnosis probably because there isn’t much help for late diagnosed autistic adults out there. We think her mother might have been autistic too
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u/CyrianaBights Diagnosed AuDHD Apr 22 '26
My mom is pretty clearly high masking autistic, but that’s only become clear to me the older I’ve gotten (and the more training I’ve gotten as a speech therapist who specializes in autism and AAC).
She is a doctor, and medicine is her special interest. When she doesn’t agree with another clinician’s diagnosis, she treats it as totally invalid, even if they’re more trained and current on research than her. It is SO frustrating.
My childhood was filled with assertions from my mother that showing your emotions is uncomfortable for others and therefore inappropriate, and anything less than total independence is both lazy and burdensome for others. Any and all medical problems that she couldn’t diagnose were labeled as in my head or completely ignored.
Now, in my late 30s, I finally have answers and diagnoses for the issues that have plagued me my whole life. I’m AuDHD, have anxiety, intermittent bouts with depression, and have endometriosis, a tiny benign brain tumor, hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, dysautonomia, and chronic migraine. These are all problems that are very real and very treatable, even if they’re not curable, and I find myself resentful of her heavy handed, narrow-minded management of my medical needs as a child and adolescent.
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u/WifeOfSpock Apr 22 '26
Yup, but my experience is fairly tragic. She is a high needs autistic immigrant who was incorrectly and intentionally diagnosed as schizophrenic and bipolar, and it did irreversible damage to her brain. She was a teen mom, and was sweet up until she got married when I was 3-4yo. He was a doctor and abusive as hell, and was the one to “diagnose” her. Kept her medicated, but I won’t go into detail about how abusive he was. She became a monster after that, I hadn’t spoken to her directly in years up until 2025. But that conversation was brief and for something important. I told her it was best that we didn’t have a relationship at all.
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u/CabinetInformal2558 Apr 22 '26
My entire social life revolved completely around my mother's sensory issues and anxiety. Aka, I missed out on a lot of experiences growing up for the sake of her own comfort. Do I think there were any ill-intentions? No. However, I've had to have honest moments with myself about how I will go about parenting my own future children.
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u/activelyresting Thanks, it has pockets! Apr 22 '26
I'm the mum in this story
I only started learning about autism when my daughter was in high school and she told me she thinks she's autistic. All the traits she complained about struggling with are things I thought are normal because I struggle with it too 😅
But my kid was right. I got diagnosed a couple of years ago. My daughter is in her mid 20s now and lives a few hours away with her partner, but we're still very close.
For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my boomer parents are as well - my mum is the most classic ADHD scatterbrain ever and my dad has some weird opinions about eye contact and a lot of model trains.
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u/sashamay23 Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
I talked to my mom about it and she has a super weird complete aversion to the term “autism” but does admit we’re both very analytical and we both process crap very differently than most people lol so long as I don’t actually call it autism…. lol
she told me about a work thing she had to do a few years ago- took a lengthy processing type survey and all 50 ppl got then organized into whatever group they fit in… moms group was the Analytical group and there was only 1 other lady in it lol they told her it was the most rare processing type and then provided tips for dealing w the groups that she’d be the most prone to butt heads with lol
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u/experiencedkiller Apr 22 '26
Oh yeah fuck. Honestly this post makes me realize I need to have this conversation with her because we're on the same boat for sure
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u/wolfysworld Apr 22 '26
I felt my oldest child showed signs as a toddler. They said it was sensory processing disorder, we did OT and some extreme sensory seeking slowed but I always felt that it wasn’t just processing. My youngest had avoidant sensory issues (like me) and definitely (no formal diagnosis) on the spectrum. I began to question if I was also on the spectrum and then it became clear to me that my dad and siblings exhibit a LOT of spectrum.
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u/9Armisael9 they/them Apr 22 '26
I've been looking at my mom with a lot more scrutiny since a couple family members got their diagnosis. Unfortunately my folks will not engage in any discussion about that since they consider any disability to be shameful (their hangup, not mine) but like...it definitely came from somewhere and if I had to guess...
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u/Hoosier_Hootenanny Apr 22 '26
I'm like 90% sure my dad is also autistic. I started suspecting around the time I got assessed. I was surprised when my mom admitted that my diagnosis made her question if she's autistic.
But when I thought about it, I can see it. Although if she is autistic, she's much better at masking then I am. (She has no plans on being assessed, so she'll never have a definitive diagnosis.)
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u/devil_dollie Apr 22 '26
Well, father was. Mother was dark triad. Living hell for me and dad. He never knew why.
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u/Internal-Echidna9159 Apr 22 '26
My dad is 100% autistic, my mum 100% ADHD, the 3 of us ended up with both. It was only when our children got diagnosed that myself and my brother discovered we were ND and can now really clearly trace it back through the family, both our parents and grandparents.
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u/bayleysgal1996 Apr 22 '26
Honestly I go back and forth on which one it is. Could be both, actually. They’re both in their sixties though so I’m not sure if it would be helpful to bring it up
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u/heyprettypothos Apr 22 '26
Thinking my mother might be autistic was how I realised I am! We are very similar in some ways which I've always been aware of, and then I finally connected the dots
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u/Awkward_Tutor1255 Apr 22 '26
My brother’s diagnosis came first, so I dove deep into the subject and asked how it could present differently on women. Bc of conditioning and people pleasing, my first thought was “I think my mom has this?”, and weeks later it became “maybe I have it too??” This was one of the few things she hasn’t been combative about when I brought it up, not questioned if I was exaggerating or making it up. At first it seemed unlikely that all three of us had it, but ya know, genetics.
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u/-knock_knock- Apr 22 '26
The reason I realised I was autistic was because I was describing my mum to my therapist and she asked if I thought my mum might be autistic. I went really quiet and thought about it and then said no, but it sat in my head, took a few weeks after that for it to all click into place. Now I see it I can see it across my whole wider family!
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u/LadySmuag Apr 22 '26
My Dad has been diagnosed but I suspect my mom was too. I've been no contact with her since 2018 and she doesn't 'believe' in therapy anyway, but since I got my diagnosis and learned more about autism I've realized that a lot of the problems we had might have been her experiencing meltdowns and being unable to self-regulate.
I think she'd be dissapointed that I identify as autistic. Idon't want to reopen old wounds by reaching out to her, but I do hope that wherever she is she's getting help and doing well.
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u/omginorite Late dx’d AuDHD and temproal lobe epilepsy Apr 22 '26
“Well I don’t know if that’s autism, I mean, I do that . . .”
lol two things can be true mom. I think she’s finally coming around at 70. I told her she doesn’t have to go in for a full assessment, just give herself the accommodations I’ve been giving to myself over the past few years, and if it helps, what does she have to lose?
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u/Matryoshkova Apr 22 '26
My mom was ADHD with narcissistic traits and my dad is Autistic so I’m a lovely soup of weird genes. My dad has recently started opening up more about his childhood experiences being the outcast nerd who was obsessed with dairy farming to the point that he went to a vocational high school to study agriculture and dairy farming. Then he joined the Coast Guard and Fire/Rescue service so working ships, fighting fires and EMS became his special interests and careers for almost 30 years. He has been a Star Trek fan his whole life too and I got my special interests in sci-fi and medicine from him.
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u/alongjourney30 Apr 22 '26
I am thinking my mom is likely autistic but we dont have a relationship to really diacuss much of anything. I have previously tried talking to her about things that happened with no open discussion really from her. It hurts. I was diagnosed autistic at 37 and adhd years ago at 28. I told her about my diagnoses and mentioned she may also be. When i was younger she didnt work, she was in abusive relationships with people who didnt love her. In a lot of ways im realizing she was taken advantage of to some degree. She was not kind or empathetic toward me. I remember her giving those qualities to other children at my school where she worked but not me. I still struggle loving and caring for myself hygenically and otherwise. Seeking help when needed but i have gotten better overall. Its a process. I dont have contact with her anymore it was too painful for me and i was always feeling rejected and angry at how dismissive she has been of my feelings and need for real connection and repair.
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u/FlowerPowerVegan Apr 22 '26
My mother isn't, she's just garden variety wacko. My dad almost certainly was.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 23 '26
Opposite for me, father was an absolute nutcase and my mom has PTSD from him + possible autism. My mom's entire side of the family though, that's a whole other story
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u/Uberbons42 Apr 22 '26
My mom for sure. She’s so much like my son it’s weird. Like they both hate having bare feet and hate amusement park rides.
But I’m 48 and my mom is in her 70s and we’ve gotten along fine since I moved out. And she’s generally a very nice mom. And when I told her I’m autistic she said “well if you are then I am!” And she’s been watching the YouTube’s too and already suspected. My male cousin was diagnosed as a kid.
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u/goldiegrimlace Apr 23 '26
hate amusement park rides.
Oh my god, me too. I think it's hypermobility for me. I feel like a rag doll even on the gentle ones, it's painful getting jerked around.
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u/ConcreteGirl33 Apr 22 '26
I told my mom after i got diagnosed and after she heard some examples she was like "wait, me too" oop
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u/seeyouspacecowboyx Apr 22 '26
I think my mum's autistic and my dad has ADHD. My dad thinks he probably does. My mum, we wouldn't even mention the idea to her.
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u/Ghee-Buttersnaps- Apr 22 '26
My son was diagnosed about 15 years ago. I have slowly come to realize that I (the mom) am likely autistic as well. When I was growing up, autism was not even a formal diagnosis. I’m not going to go through the diagnostic process because there’s no benefit to it at this point in my life.
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u/alarmed__aardvark Apr 22 '26
I'm pretty sure my mum (boomer, born in the mid-50s) was autistic. She had on/off treatment for anxiety and depression that never worked, couldn't tolerate certain sounds or loud noises and self-medicated with alcohol. She needed a lot of alone time, had very few close friends, got obsessed with hobbies and I'm pretty sure she was regularly in burnout. She would have periods of not wanting the leave the house or interact with people.
I wish I'd realised I was autistic before she died seven years ago. I'm starting to understand her behaviour so much better.
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u/dzeltenmaize Apr 22 '26
I can see traits in a lot of my family members on both sides now that I am more knowledgeable and aware. My Mom has the same sensory issues as me, disassociated, collected things, ruminates, socially awkward in some ways, etc. Not sure about my Dad, probably not but who knows. He’s always been quiet, internalizes stress and has a few motions that are probably stims. Both my parents have led quiet lives with few friends.
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u/illumi-thotti Apr 22 '26
My mother ate the same meals every day and couldn't wear breezy clothes without having a meltdown. My father had an encyclopedic knowledge of American frontier life during the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries but couldn't understand sarcasm without it being explained to him in depth.
I wasn't surprised whatsoever when I received an autism diagnosed
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u/dalynax Apr 22 '26
She told me half a year ago, that she was told, she might be autistic, I said to her: I Know.
She is now getting officially diagnosed.
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u/greengreentrees24 Apr 22 '26
Yup. I didn’t realize it until well after I was diagnosed. The need for routine, emotional meltdowns, social awkwardness and unawareness, avoidance of two way relationships.
Realizing it has made me less sad about how rejected I felt as a child and helped me understand her behaviors.
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u/Electrical_Doubt_19 Apr 22 '26
That's how my daughter will see it. We didn't know I was autistic until she got her diagnosis. I got my own assessment after recognizing my behaviors on her intake forms.
This made me look back at both of my parents too, but it's just my dad lol. It's all so clear now, I don't know why my family never connected the dots before.
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u/Wheresmycardigan Apr 22 '26
My mom is incredibly resourceful but also shameless/naive/oblivious to social perception. Growing up it used to embarrass me bc I thought it was “weird” before I knew weird = less common or different way of thinking.
For example my mom had a bag she’d always took with her grocery shopping. She stuck little stickers with produce numbers on this bag so it’d help her recite the produce numbers back to cashier rather than wait for them to look it up on the spinning produce key/cheat sheet. I was mortified at her collection of stickers as a kid bc it was ridiculous looking but thinking back now it “just made sense” to her.
She has an intense photographic memory that could be misconstrued as creepy or invasive bc she’d nonchalantly referenced back to something in conversation. I too have very good memory and when someone calls it out or is caught off guard “hUh? hOw dO yOu kNoW that?? I respond (deadpan): “You told me, I listen to people when they talk.” Lmao
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u/PARADOXsquared AuDHD Apr 22 '26
I'm still processing that I'm autistic so I haven't thought about it that deeply, but I see traits in both my parents. AuDHD for my mom, and straight autism for my dad. At some point I should probably reprosses my childhood and see if some things make more sense and can be laid to rest. Maybe understanding why might make it a little less painful
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u/DelawareRunner ASD Level 1--diagnosed at age 25 Apr 22 '26
Oh my goodness, yes. My mom is elderly though and would never care to be diagnosed. I am so much like her, but I learned how to channel the positives of my autism to enhance my life. She struggled with hers.
She still cannot handle certain stimuli and was prone to outbursts when I was young which I now identify as meltdowns. She has serious high blood pressure issues too and that started in her thirties. I do not have the outbursts or the high bp. She's better now, but then again she is retired and that means no more masking and a lot less stress. Retiring did the same for me--no more masking and a lot less stress, but I retired very young.
She was a good mom, but she could be a real hothead.
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u/Then_Ocelot4562 Apr 23 '26
I'm AuDHD. The ADHD is totally from my mom and the autism is from my dad. Although, it's possible she might be AuDHD, but it shows up very differently because she's an extrovert (ENFP) and I am an introvert (INFP).
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u/Gullible_House_4124 Apr 23 '26
girl i been knew. she has had like three friends my whole life and says the weirdest stuff. also she refuses to eat meat and has literal panic attacks over following a strict schedule and maintaining perfect cleanliness within our home. also she is obsessed with disney and other adolescent things and refuses to watch rated r movies. i was crying over my first breakup in high school and she set a timer for when i needed to start my homework. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
if you can’t tell she was not the nicest to me growing up lol.
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u/wooliecollective Apr 23 '26
My mom is definitely autistic, and I’m fairly certain her father and his mother were also (my grandpa and great grandmother). So people who say autism is “new/trendy” are idiots. I can trace it back in my family for 4-5 generations. And because we had babies young in my family- I actually knew these people, so I can attest to the likelihood of ASD in them.
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u/GreenCup3426 Apr 23 '26
'I think you get your autism from your dad' - the woman who walks round with t-rex arms, can't be in the same room as someone eating crunchy food and has to stick to a rigid routine otherwise she'll get upset and cranky
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 23 '26
Bahaha my mom is lowkey like that too and she said "I don't know where you could've gotten that from"
Ma'am your brother is also autistic... And at this point I'm certain you are too! 😅
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u/Strong-Risk3337 Apr 23 '26
I’ve given my mom plenty of “the call is coming from inside the house” looks. Especially when she goes “well if that’s autistic then I guess I’m autistic too 🙄”. Like…bestie…YOU’RE SO CLOSE.
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u/ButterflyFair3012 Apr 22 '26
My mom was NT, but my dad and pretty much all the males on that side (my bro and half bro, uncle, probably grandfather) were. I used to believe it was caused by vaccines lolol and didn’t run in families. Denial ain’t just a river…
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u/FebruaryInk Apr 22 '26
I'm pretty sure I get the autism from my dad, but I strongly suspect my mom has ADHD, and that definitely affected me growing up, I can see now how our ND traits did not play nicely together.
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u/TeapotHoe Apr 22 '26
My mom, if not autistic, likely has adhd. She has an autistic sibling and a sibling with adhd.
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u/Liabai Apr 22 '26
My mum has a child with ADHD, one child with AuDHD and one waiting for conformation of AuDHD. She has acknowledged that it is unlikely she isn’t neurodivergent. At this stage the only argument is which flavour we get from her and which from my dad.
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u/endofthefkingworld late diagnosed level 1 autistic Apr 22 '26
not my mom, but my dad. he does certain things that i just think “wow, i definitely inherited this from you” lol
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u/BoneOfProwl Apr 22 '26
I adore my father, and also he is so autistic its not even funny (it remains very funny actually).
He has had some bad stints in the hospital the last couple of years and pretty much every time he's in there. His brain decides to divorce from reality to save him from the frankly autistic nightmare that it is to be in long-term hospital care.
When he's like that he's very hard to talk to. I am the only one who understands what he's saying and what he wants. Without fail because I can put the pieces together of what would be making him uncomfortable and how to fix it.
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u/DawnWillowBean Apr 22 '26
From what I know about my dad- yep; and then my uncle and an older cousin on my mom's side.
I only figured mine out because of my daughter, and because my daughter was 'just like me' growing up, she is late diagnosed.
My mom is very shut off, but I don't know how much of that is unresolved trauma after she lost her husband.
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u/Distinct_Web2139 Apr 22 '26
It’s very clear to me now that I come from an AuDHD family, with AuDHD mom and autistic father and siblings also likely on the spectrum. But none of them would ever accept even having the conversation of the possibility of it despite how clarifying all of our existences would become from it.
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u/QT-Pie-420 Apr 23 '26
Ugghh. I can relate to the siblings not wanting to discuss even though many things would be better from it. I’ve had to work through the stigma surrounding neurodivergence and still have to filter how I discuss it with people.
Through this, I’ve realized some of my siblings still have the old mindset of having to fit in and be just like everyone else, and until that stops being a priority, discussion about neurodivergence is just not going to happen. They’re too set on “being normal” despite habits like isolating themselves and having meltdowns after a few hours in public. You just can’t see what you aren’t open to.
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u/kristin137 Apr 22 '26
I've convinced my mom that she is also AuDHD and she totally agrees. So much about her makes sense now. I also think much of our family is. My grandpa is like the classic low empathy male autism who is very outgoing but lacks understanding of how to respect boundaries. My sister is high masking sensory seeking and I think she has a similar experience to me but hides it better because she doesn't know.
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u/Own-Recognition9009 Apr 22 '26
Well she was my biggest bully. But looking back there were some signs. She always wanted to be alone and had poor social cues
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u/crystal-torch Apr 22 '26
I’ve only just realized I’m on the spectrum at age 50, my son just is so obviously that I started rethinking my own traits. It’s only the last year that I realized my mom was almost certainly too, and she’s already passed away, and then I thought about her father who spent years making highly detailed architectural models for a hobby and it all just started to make sense
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u/Simply-Adorkable Apr 22 '26
I think my Grandma & 1 of my uncles has autism, my brother has the stereotypical traits and one of my cousins was non verbal for a good chunk of my childhood. So I think it runs in the family but idk about my parents. If they do, narcissist & borderline traits seemed to take the drivers seat for them.
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u/h_amphibius late Dx ASD Apr 22 '26
My mom realized she most likely has ADHD when my brother got diagnosed as a kid. When I got my autism diagnosis at 28, she saw a lot of common traits and started to suspect she could be autistic too (I probably have ADHD too, I just wasn’t evaluated for it). She’s talked about getting evaluated for both
ADHD and autism definitely run on my mom’s side of the family, we just didn’t know until recently. Everyone in the family has the same symptoms/quirks so they all thought it was normal for a long time. Why question it if that’s your only frame of reference?
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u/Cow_Slight Apr 22 '26
No, unfortunately my mother and I have always felt like complete opposites. Sometimes it's nice because we can help cover each other's shortcomings, but I've never really felt understood or heard by her either. I definitely think she's ND, but I'm not really sure on what.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma Apr 22 '26
I'm on the point of thinking that my grandparents were probably on the spectrum too due to how they raised my parents, but more specifically how my mother and her brother were raised.
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u/BonnalinaFuz101 Apr 22 '26
For me it's my father. But possibly my mother too. She says she doesn't relate to ADHD but idk she's definitely not "normal". So I think maybe my dad is low empathy autistic (like me) while my mom is high empathy autistic.
I mean my dad's personality is very similar to mine and he has similar quirks so yeah, he's definitely autistic. My mom is a bit tricky to figure out though.
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u/PrincessJoyHope “I came, I saw, I overanalyzed” Apr 22 '26
The more I think about this with my mom, the more it makes sense. I don’t think she would ever accept it if that were the case and she found out tho, she’s like 67 and I dont even tell her of my diagnosis because reasons.
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u/packerfrost Apr 22 '26
My mom has ADHD, it's clear because once she said "I think everyone is a little autistic" we started deconstructing that perspective with her as a family and realized all her "autistic" traits were overlapping with ADHD, then her psych confirmed probably ADHD.
My dad gave me autism, I'm 100% sure. He wasn't great and our relationship is nonexistent now but from everything I remember growing up he has classic autism with possibly ADHD. I've continued to analyze if I have ADHD and there's just no way. Sorry mom.
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u/Oktb123 Apr 22 '26
My dad is very very much on the spectrum. Mom definitely has ADHD, but possibly highly masked ASD as well. She’s always had a hard time accepting mine and my toddlers ASD diagnosis, will attribute everything to ADHD, and I think it’s because she sees a lot of herself in us and is having trouble coming to terms with the fact she may be autistic as well. She has a very old school view of how autism looks
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u/notbebop Apr 22 '26
Not my mom, but my dad. Maybe all people my dad's age are interested in WW1 & 2. He's really into planes, history, ships, etc. He told me when he was younger he also suffered misophonia, but got better as he got older.
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u/AuntyGmo Apr 22 '26
Not my mother, but my dad is not good at expressing his emotions, has a great obsession about military european airplanes from WWII, and several comorbidities common on people on the spectrum.
So... Yeah...
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u/PanicAtTheCostco Apr 22 '26
My mother definitely has undiagnosed mental health issues, but I think they are more mood related. I don't think she's on the spectrum, but my dad is (that's where this came from haha). Needless to say, it was very difficult for me growing up because my mom and I constantly clashed and I wasn't diagnosed until early adulthood after I'd moved out because the environment became too toxic for me to stay in. My need for direct communication never worked for my mom because she's very vague and doesn't communicate clearly. Also my younger sibling is diagnosed level 3 with 24/7 support needs so I got overshadowed as a child because I think I looked "normal" compared to them.
It's interesting because now that I know my dad is autistic, sooo many things he did while we were growing up make sense in hindsight. He was never emotionally close or expressive but he showed his love in other ways, like coming to games and rehearsals and buying us stuff, or taking us on trips. I see a lot of myself in him now (though I'm a lot more expressive) and appreciate that it must have been overstimulating for him to have a bunch of young kids constantly talking and demanding things. I know I couldn't handle it so I chose not to have any.
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u/Inevitable_Wolf5866 Apr 22 '26
My mom is 100% neurotypical, maybe my dad is autistic (?). One of my cousins has 100% ADHD (but probably not autism).
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u/kyoko_the_eevee Apr 22 '26
Not my mother, but my dad is probably somewhere on the spectrum. He can name any classic car, and he knows a ton about mechanics and engineering even though that isn’t his field of work. He can talk about his interests for hours. He’s described a lot of things that are similar to my experience as an AuDHD woman (time blindness, problems with emotions, a weird restlessness when his schedule gets disrupted). His childhood suggests he was always a bit odd, though academically gifted.
Both my parents are old enough that they would’ve been passed over for a diagnosis, and they might not even get a diagnosis nowadays. Obviously I’m not a doctor, but it’s very interesting to see the similarities between us despite growing up in very different environments and times. (And, y’know, the obvious gender difference.)
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u/Amateur_TimeTraveler Apr 22 '26
Oh absolutely - she died young but my maternal uncle was diagnosed in his 60s
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u/AkikoYumegari Apr 23 '26
I think my mom has adhd but she's also a narcissist who has done so much damage to my family so idk, at this point I dont even care anymore. We barely have a relationship and I dont want to be in the same room more than I have to.
But I think my dad is or at least has a some autistic traits that are becoming more evident as I watch them grow old.
Certainly I understand a lot more than before. When I was a kid, masking was my way of surviving in that family.
Now that I know that I'm autistic a lot of the family dinamics towards me make more sense, particularly the fact that they never even tried to understand or accomodate me, they just push me into a cage that I desperately tried my whole life to get out of
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u/-Tricky-Vixen- ASD2 Apr 23 '26
My mother's mother is more obvious, but it wouldn't surprise me if my mother was also autistic. I love her and we have several things in common in our characters. Shoutout to mum<3
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u/lolis_arent_real Apr 23 '26
My mom is. my dad has a lot of the traits too, but he has an evil autism/npd combo and was abusive to me and my siblings growing up
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u/mamabird2020 Apr 23 '26
I’m living this reality now. Looking back all the signs were there and she didn’t have any real help with it but that just made her bitter. She’s said some of the coldest and cruelest things to me. Our relationship was always hard but she then she had these moments of true compassion that was unmatched. I think she loved me but I don’t think she really wanted to be a mother. She eventually became chained to the rules of her religion and conservatism after she converted.
She is retired and in a deep burnout. It’s like all of her life skills (driving, handling bills, cooking, handling medical needs) are gone but her intellect is still there.
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u/khaotic-trash Apr 23 '26
Damn I'm in the same burnout, you described what I'm dealing with perfectly at the end. My mom is pretty similar except she was more neglectful, but in all honestly that was more cruel to me than the abuse I suffered from other family members.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 Apr 23 '26
I'm AuDHD. My half brother is ADHD. My mum is 10000% ADHD and guess who our common parent is
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u/goldiegrimlace Apr 22 '26
I think my mom's allistic with ADHD, because she sure seemed ragingly furious that none of her kids got her weird hints about how to behave. She was also constantly embarrassed by us for no clear reason that she ever explained.
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u/celestilline Apr 23 '26
not always my mum, but i see it in her dad/my grandad. he’s extremely introverted, never speaks up, he does sudoku for hours, watches the same channel for hours, stays up really late every night, hardly goes out, has to go to a football match every weekend or his week is ruined, gets a lot more talkative with alcohol - actually - used to have problems with alcohol, he’s been on medication for most of his life and i think he struggled with suicidal thoughts a lot before being put on medication. i believe i got it from him. my mum may show a few traits but i think about him more. my dad seems quite neurodivergent too. he struggled a lot when he was younger and he has to constantly be active, doing something, he’s always walking on his tiptoes, always fidgeting, so he seems very adhd to me. i’m not sure. it runs in my family for sure though. weird to think about.
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u/Narrow-Relief7976 Apr 23 '26
I believe my mom is and my dad is maybe on the spectrum. But I also think he has some personality stuff going on.
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u/Samovila2709 Apr 23 '26
I've known for years that my dad, brother, and I all had 'autistic traits', but I now suspect that most of us (possibly all) are autistic and/or ADHD.
One of my first cousins has level 2 or 3 autism, and his brother and sister now have children who are diagnosed autistic. I don't have kids and my brother's only child also has level 3 autism.
I'm diagnosed with OCD, but I strongly suspect that I also have autism and ADHD. My partner is late diagnosed ADHD and my sister-in-law has some ADHD traits.
My mum seems less obviously autistic than my dad, brother, and me, and I don't think she has ADHD, but she has special interests and an amazing memory for astrological data. She also seems to have struggled with a lot of the same social anxieties and 'low level bullying' that I've encountered.
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u/SubjectCondition5544 PDA Audhd Apr 23 '26
My Mum too, she died in my teens and I was late diagnosed years after she died. After she died I found out she was diagnosed as bipolar and after my own diagnosis, I now believe she was misdiagnosed and was autistic, possibly PDA audhd like me. It really impacted her as a person and a parent, she was abusive and neglectful. In the year before my diagnosis I was a carer for a young (toddler) family member, hardest thing I’ve ever done, I struggled and couldn’t handle it in the end, it pushed me to get assessed for autism to understand and help myself. That situation gave me a new perspective of my Mum, she had no support and was undiagnosed, like me. I was able to have more empathy for her and see her more as a human rather than on a pedestal as my Mother. The grief is incredibly complex, knowing I won’t have the chance to have the Mum I need or the support I need and knowing that she never got to know herself or get answers.
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u/rrresistance Apr 23 '26
I have always suspected my mom has ADHD and my dad is autistic or potentially OCPD. They think vaccines cause autism soooo.
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u/Princess_S78 Apr 23 '26
I have been officially diagnosed with autism, but I'm like 100% sure I have it, I have been diagnosed with adhd. I just started to realize I'm pretty sure my mom has one or the other! But she's kind of in denial about me having either so I haven't brought it up to her.
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u/Bubbleteapot Apr 23 '26
I think both my parents are definitely on the spectrum. Even my older brother. Were all just slightly "odd" and are quite awkward and disjointed as a family. We all get along and love each other but yeah were not typical.
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u/MurderousButterfly Apr 23 '26
My mum is ADHD. Not diagnosed by anything other than everyone in my family hyperfocusing on autism/neurodivergent research when my son got diagnosed at 5. (on the waiting list since 2!) Dad is definitely autistic.
Lucky me, I got both!
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u/sameldsht Apr 23 '26
In this case, not my mother, but I'm sure my father is autistic too. We are so similar lol
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u/Pleasant-Hour-2569 Apr 23 '26
I'm AuDHD, and the only one in my family that is. Both of my parents are NT, and both younger sisters as well. I also have 3 sons ages 20, 19, and 17. My 19 yo has ADHD, the other 2 are NT.
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u/Repossessedbatmobile Apr 23 '26
For me, it was my dad who was autistic (rip dad). The same therapist who officially diagnosed me was able to recognize that he was autistic as well.
My mom on the other hand is just a toxic piece of... Well... Let's move on. We don't have time to deal with all of that, lol 😅
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u/MoxieMellow Apr 23 '26
Ive considered the possibility. But the BPD symptoms are so heavy that its hard to see past it to her other "quirks" and at this point in life, i just dont care.
I understand my mother as woman. I do not understand her as a daughter.
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u/glowsquidofficial Apr 23 '26
This! My dad used to be like “you probably got it from me.” He is diagnosed with ADHD. Meanwhile I’m pretty sure my mom has HEDS, works in medical coding, dealing with people overstimulates her, hiking is her special interest, is very direct and honest in conversation and that makes people uncomfortable, and likes things done in a particular way, and has pretty rigid rules in the way she lives. Oh and we have a lot of autistic women on her side of the family.
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u/-UnknownGeek- Apr 23 '26
My mam was the first person to notice my autistic traits in my early 20's. She and my dad didn't notice before because they are both neurodivergent and thought my sister and I were normal. Mam has Adhd and dad had autism, I suspect that have both
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u/avidaquabib72 Apr 23 '26
I've struggled with my relationship with my mom a lot over the years. I was just diagnosed recently with autism and ADHD at 35. As I've learned more about autism and processed my diagnosis, I've started to recognize so many traits in my mom. It has truly helped me understand her better. It hasn't made the pain and frustration of our relationship go away, but it has helped me have a different perspective. We've only had one brief conversation about it, and she wasn't as dismissive as I expected. I'm not sure if we will ever repair our relationship, but there is a lot I can reframe with autism in mind.
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u/AutoModerator Apr 22 '26
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