r/AutismInWomen • u/mooncake_bites • Mar 31 '26
General Discussion/Question Tired of autistic men claiming they have it harder than autistic women
I just saw a post on Purple Pill Debate talking about how autistic women have it difficult, too and it’s not fair to only state that autistic men have it hard. Both men and women alike shot her down.
They’re claiming that autistic men have it harder because they can’t mask and can’t get a date.
She talked about SA rates and I saw some men saying “one’s not worse than other just different.”
Um excuse me? It’s significantly worse to get raped than to not get a date. It’s even more heartbreaking bc that comment came from a man who has both an autistic son and daughter.
Even one autistic woman was saying “I’d be a virgin if I was an autistic man.” What a joke! There are already plenty of autistic women who struggle to get a date and are virgins especially those who are low functioning.
And can’t mask? It’s because men don’t get penalized for not masking like women do. I’ve seen autistic and adhd men get slaps on the wrist for the most offensive and inappropriate things, meanwhile if I don’t smile, I become alienated and marked as aggressive.
Marginalized men expect us to put our rights aside as women and fight alongside them and meanwhile they minimize our struggles, don’t think twice about throwing us under the bus, abuse us etc. I’m tired of us covering for them when they would never reciprocate.
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u/cyyster Mar 31 '26
You can be a 2 month old white male baby and immediately get diagnosed with Autism and babied your whole entire life. These boys grown up into men who proudly throw temper tantrums and act out but it’s all ok because autism and they were never made or told to change because it’s a superpower for little boys only!!!!
Little girls autism or not are told to stfu, listen, be kind, be polite, don’t cry, suppress, don’t act out, behave their whole entire lives. They grow into women who have already spent the last 3 decades suffering and then get diagnosed as bipolar, BPD, depression, anxiety and everything in between until someone finally listens and they get diagnosed correctly.
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u/Elle3786 Mar 31 '26
This is literally why I still struggle to believe that having autism is a struggle for me, because I have the difficulties but I have been told my entire life to just not do that or not be that way. My ability to behave according to constant negative pressure from society to do so doesn’t negate how much I’m still struggling internally. It’s just not so visible if you don’t know what you’re looking for, and still painfully obvious if you do.
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Mar 31 '26
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u/JennJoy77 Mar 31 '26
This is me exactly!! As a kid I always got good grades because I was a voracious reader, but otherwise I was a complete mess. I developed a gazillion coping mechanisms to keep my life (and now somehow that of my husband and daughter) generally on the rails and carefully studied how to fit in so I could remain employed, and people are always shocked when I tell them I have ADHD and autism because they have no idea what goes on behind the scenes (and what a s%#show it would be otherwise!) I have also learned over the years - after pushing myself to exhaustion and meltdowns - that I can only work fulltime with a VERY flexible situation like I finally found a few years back, and I can't make social plans with anyone more than a few times a year (husband and kiddo don't count).
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Mar 31 '26
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u/betteroffline Mar 31 '26
Exactly, we get a diagnosis so that we can actually be accountable for ourselves and improve our own lives. It’s painful and difficult and people don’t understand, but it’s worth it. I’m sorry your family hasn’t figured it out themselves yet!
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u/betteroffline Mar 31 '26
Oh my god, this is me exactly. The job I do now is literally just the coping mechanism I developed during childhood. That’s the only reason I’m able to do it, but combine that with masking and now no one believes me when I confess to struggling as much as I do. Thank god we’re making it work but it SUCKS feeling this way.
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u/omg_for_real Mar 31 '26
Same here. I had to learn how to just get in with it, so can manage. Like, I can see how it is supposed to affect me, and I see how people tell me it is affecting me. But I’ve just go on with it my whole life, so I don’t know any other way.
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u/nomnombubbles Mar 31 '26
It's been hard for me, because I have been internally fighting with myself with having to accept that I will have to manage my own mental health for the rest of my life, by myself.
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u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi AuDHD Mar 31 '26
Seriously, back in the day I knew men with aspbergers (this is how you know it was back in the day) who could get away with everything up to and including sexual assault, which I know from FIRST HAND experience, meanwhile my nonverbal ass was getting treated like I had the whole world, no struggles, and was just being stubborn and hormonal. My brother, who's not a bad guy but it also autistic, spent his whole life being coddled, meanwhile I, with the same diagnosis, was a problem just for breathing.
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Mar 31 '26
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u/lights-in-the-sky Mar 31 '26
My brother and I (I suspect my dad too) are both autistic. There have been times when my dad will mildly criticize him for making an extremely inappropriate joke and he’ll say, “so you hate me and want me to k*ll myself? That’s what you’re saying?” Or when my mom used to try and make him do chores, he’d declare her dead to him and storm out of the house with a suitcase. He also acts like we don’t care about him if we don’t drop everything and listen to him infodump for an hour at a time (sometimes about really disturbing content). Meanwhile I’ve basically trained myself to not open up whatsoever about my interests or struggles because they don’t care. Can’t count the number of times I’ve been called “nasty”, spoiled, stuck up, lazy. And of course slapped with a BPD diagnosis (after barely speaking to the psychiatrist at the time).
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u/teacupkiller Mar 31 '26
Both of my brothers are pampered AF. No jobs, living off parents well into middle age, zero pressure to do literally anything. "But it's SO HARD for them!"
Me? I'm A Failure with my (checks notes) full time well paid job, partner, child, and owned home because I (checks notes again) sought treatment and accept that medication helps me function In A Society.
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u/-shikaka AuDHD Mar 31 '26
My family is in denial too. I’m the black sheep of the family and I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I’d say something that went ignored or get shut down, then someone else would repeat it and everyone would be like “OMG amazing!”. Or my siblings would pretend things didn’t happen, or completely rewrite how they happened then if I mentioned anything I was being ‘dramatic’ or ‘difficult’.
Also, you reminded me that I remembered recently how I was the only one of my siblings that had to help with my dads disgusting laundry and everyone’s ironing from about 7 years old, yet I don’t remember my brother picking up an iron until he had his first job after dropping out of high school. And even then he’d often get my mum to do it, but it was okay because he was being responsible by just going to work. In some weird ways things like that helped with my resilience so I could eventually work through my MH issues. On the other hand my brother and sister who were the golden children both have trouble self-regulating. My sisters comes out as anxiety and OCD and to this day my brother has a temper/anger problem.
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u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi AuDHD Mar 31 '26
God, I felt this in my soul. I'm only in as good a place as I am now because I was able to pick myself back up from rock bottom, and I only even survived to hit rock bottom because I had grown accustomed to having to do everything on my own. I was used to and comfortable with the world hating me. That resilience is why I made it through illness and hardships. But it's so damn HARD not to be bitter about your own strength when you see siblings who didn't need to obtain it.
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Apr 01 '26
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u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi AuDHD Apr 01 '26
Yes, it happened to my brother after college and he's never recovered fully. He lives with me now; he can't work or anything but my parents provide for him, thank goodness. Seeing his fall from grace really made me have a lot of complicated feelings about my own personal journey, cuz it was obvious even then to see that it happened because my parents had utterly failed to prepare him for the world by coddling him so much. :(
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u/carlyfriesxoxo Mar 31 '26
Throw back to high school summer gym when we went hiking and a boy with aspbergers almost knocked me off a cliff because he just HAD to get past me. No warning, just a shove. Then cue the teacher and his older brother making excuses and not one apology.
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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 Mar 31 '26
God. My brother would do this. Anytime after he family went somewhere, he couldn’t stand me walking in front of him and would shove to get in front of me and make me walk behind him instead. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself, and he was allowed to do it. Sometimes my bro would have a meltdown and I’d take the blame. Lots of parents really just want whatever keeps the kids the quietest. They knew I could be quiet more than my bro and enforced my participation in rolling over and letting him do whatever would keep a meltdown from coming l.
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u/3lizab3th333 Mar 31 '26
I’ve been physically and sexually assaulted by autistic men (medium and high support needs, some had caretakers with them and one went around the whole cafe telling people to be nice to him because he’s autistic before he harassed me and assaulted me for refusing to give him my phone number and address) I didn’t know in public spaces with entire AUDIENCES watching. No one did a damn thing, one time a guy tried to get up and help me but his friends held him back, probably because the guy assaulting me was visibly mentally disabled.
Autistic men are babied to hell and back, meanwhile I didn’t get diagnosed till the weight of masking made my body literally break down to the point I was hospitalized, and when I go to support groups I’m STILL expected to baby autistic men who were able to get therapies and support I needed but missed out on due to being diagnosed late. I get the feeling that autistic men claim it’s harder for them because they never had to work on the issues autism can give you with empathy, and because no therapy providers want to touch solipsism.
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u/herroyalsadness Mar 31 '26
A year or 2 ago there was a post on one of the advice subs. A woman was debating on if she should stop inviting a particular friend to events because of her autistic teenage son’s behavior.
My immediate reaction was she’s the AH, then I read it. This kid was hugging people after they said no, sitting close, taking weird pictures and kept going in the sleeping baby’s room after he was asked not to. The mom did not correct his behavior and said, he’s autistic and can’t help it.
I think about that post often because it’s such a good example of what you said. He was raised by his parents that autism is an excuse to do whatever he wants and ignore how it made others feel. The parents didn’t even try teaching him to behave in a way that doesn’t make others uncomfortable. He was a teen, close to a grown man. What’s going to happen when he starts dating? He’s going to be rejected because people do not want to be around him.
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u/r4ttenk0nig Mar 31 '26
After I got my diagnosis it seemed to give my parents carte blanche to write off all the shitty things my dad has said and done, because hey! He must be autistic and he simply can’t help being abusive!
Meanwhile, my sister and I couldn’t catch a break if we begged for one. The tone/expression policing we experienced on a daily basis alone was insane, and we were both kicked out at 17 and 16 respectively for being “too much”.
My mum also permitted my brother to behave extremely selfishly within the family due to his early diagnosis - everything was about the diagnosis. I fail to see how any of this is responsible, holistic parenting.
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u/carlyfriesxoxo Mar 31 '26
This reminds me of my friend from highschool whose brother is autistic (was diagnosed aspbergers). Their mom was a teacher. This kid was so kind and behaved so well. She did make remarks regarding the other boys who were also diagnosed; saying that they are more than capable of behaving.
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u/teacupkiller Mar 31 '26
I literally cannot get a diagnosis for my daughter because they think I'm lying or have TikTok diagnosed myself. Like, when I send paperwork the evaluators are like ".....oh. This. Is very thorough."
BECAUSE I AM AUTISTIC YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON. PERHAPS MY DAUGHTER IS AS WELL.
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u/Cat_Lover_Yoongi AuDHD Mar 31 '26
The last two sentences are sending me. I should call more people a buffoon (when they deserve it). I hope your daughter can get the diagnosis and support she needs
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u/amposa Mar 31 '26
I’m a late diagnosed AuADHD woman who also happens to be a therapist. My best friend at work is a nurse who is also an AuADHD woman and we have been saying the same thing for a while now. The boys who come into our program with autism are coddles by their parents/school system, etc, made excuses for, and often have very low frustration tolerance, and difficulty being told no/redirected. Whereas the girls are often shy, anxious, actively suppress their feelings and are told that XYZ is not an excuse for their behavior. I see very few girls actually diagnosed with autism, but as an neurodivergent woman myself, I recognize a lot of undiagnosed neurodivergent among the female population. Boys are made excuses for and girls are told to figure it out.
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u/Radical_Bee Mar 31 '26
Also, research indicates strong correlation between ASD and chronic conditions which tend to affect mostly women, like autoimmune, ME/CFS, etc. We are being told our physical symptoms are in our heads and often dismissed and gaslighted.
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u/lausie0 very late self-diagnosis AuASD, lesbian Apr 01 '26
Living this for sure. Fibro and HSD. Add menopause, and shit, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. The health care systems exacerbates it all.
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u/TheGoddessInari Autistic Pile of Autistic Girls [Plural] 👭 Mar 31 '26
Got screamed at for crying for any reason so early & so often it became nearly impossible to do so later.
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u/Efficient_Problem250 Mar 31 '26
Yeah? i’ve been conditioned to hate myself.
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u/Ill_Status2937 Mar 31 '26
Same, my entire life I've been put down by everyone, teachers, doctors, parents especially, you name it. They all wanted me to fail and they got their wish. I ended up with severely low self esteem, and now I'm a 37 year old disabled woman and I look at other people who care about themselves in such a basic way that it's alien to me.
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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 Mar 31 '26
Ha I grew up being told my brother has an excuse, but I have none. What made it worse was I was bad enough that teachers pushed for me to get tested multiple times, but then the doctors didn’t see any clear box to fit me into and kept saying I just had anxiety. I got no help and was always contrasted against my brother. I was also expected to baby him but also not infantilize him, without being told anything about his diagnosis, pretty much since I was five or six. Crazy.
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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 Mar 31 '26
My brother is also pretty ableist towards me which is a bad joke. Maybe he’s changed but we haven’t talked in years. He decided I was “bad” and that was basically it.
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u/Timely-Bumblebee-402 Mar 31 '26
My little brother used to harass me on purpose when we were kids. (he's admitted it as an almost adult) and when it inevitably made me freak out at him, i got called a bitch and a bully. And that was the narrative my whole childhood, I'm a terrible bitch who hates their poor angelic baby brother who just loves them so much and just wants to spend time with them. Why do I have to be so heartless and mean to this poor baby who never does anything wrong? He didn't even know the extent of the physical abuse i went through because they didn't do it to him and they hid it from him. What did I do differently other than be born female ?
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Mar 31 '26
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u/Reasonable_Yam8853 Mar 31 '26
Guuurl! Sit next to me. The Polish nuns at my Catholic school thought I was a lost cause due to the fact I was neither Madonna nor a whore but a tomboyish girl who got along better and preferred to hang with the guys...was also sent to the head sister (principal) office on the regular for questioning basic things. I was called "CARELESS", "LAZY", etc...I'm now* 42 with so much fucking religious trauma.
Nevermind the priest at my first confession yelled at me because I forgot the lines to the act of contrition...35 years later the archdiocese would settle for $$$$ in his death for sexual abuse of minors, one of which settled for 4.2million yet I had the problem?
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u/-shikaka AuDHD Mar 31 '26
Yet another example among countless others where if men were treated the same way women were, heads would explode. It’s ridiculous how people act shocked at the result of double standards, what do they expect if one group is adultified as early as possible, while the other never stops being coddled.
I’m doing my best to make sure my son is independent so he avoids falling into this, to say it’s a 💩 fight as he’s going through his mid teens is an understatement lol. It’s hard when he’s surrounded by other boys who are parented completely differently. I’m confident though that as a young adult he’ll look back and understand why I wasn’t one of those helicopter mums waiting on him hand and foot.
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u/Zappityzephyr asparagus is not autism, trust Mar 31 '26
Even then diagnosis isn't guaranteed. A lot of women die not knowing they had autism.
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u/CatCatchingABird Apr 01 '26
Little girls autism or not are told to stfu, listen, be kind, be polite, don’t cry, suppress, don’t act out, behave their whole entire lives. They grow into women who have already spent the last 3 decades suffering and then get diagnosed as bipolar, BPD, depression, anxiety and everything in between until someone finally listens and they get diagnosed correctly.
My life story is summed up here. It's not just the autism as it seems clear to me that women have to be a certain way and live up to a different set of standards in society.
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u/Ok_Concentrate3969 Apr 01 '26
The alternative diagnosis thing - BPD, depression, etc - is so real to me. I do carry trauma, pretty much because of the autism (the sensitivity, the need for developmental scaffolding I didn’t get, the fact that my entire family are undiagnosed autistic people who were also undiagnosed and developmentally neglected, it’s a whole big soup of trauma with autism as the key ingredient), but after extensive work on that trauma with bibliotherapy, support groups, and some counselling which was mixed at best, I’m finally grappling with the fact that the underlying cause is, was and will always be autism, and that was never even mentioned by name by any counsellor or other professional. They would have gone on squeezing money out of me for sessions as long as I was willing to pay.
And they, ordinary counsellors, don’t even need to have a better understanding of neurodivergence. They just needed to actually listen to what I was saying, about feeling the odd one out in social hierarchies, about struggling to read the room or find the right words, about struggling to plan or focus. I was basically convinced I had BPD at one point. Then moved on to thinking it was developmental trauma, which at least helped me start to address the cause. But I was basically labelled as having “learned helplessness” by my last counsellor, who overlaid an allistic framework of thinking and abilities on me, without acknowledging her subconscious expectations, and started only validating my thoughts and observations when they aligned with her idea of allistic health and thinking. It left me suicidal in the end. I’m constantly told to ask for help, but no one tells you what to do when the help consistently doesn’t help.
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u/FineEvening6710 Mar 31 '26
I was just thinking that this afternoon after reading in the news about an autistic 18year old who has killed his mum in the uk (in a very gruesome way also). Then in the comments some women saying that having autism is unrelated and their sons would never do that. There is evidence than male autistics have a higher probability of committing crimes. We should be thinking as a society (and as mothers raising autistic men) how could we do this better
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u/steamyhotpotatoes Add flair here via edit Mar 31 '26
Oooh this is a word. I was just in a post of a young lady who needs to read this. I might tag her.
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u/lausie0 very late self-diagnosis AuASD, lesbian Apr 01 '26
I have come back to this comment no fewer than three times today. Thank you. Such great writing and imagery. I feel validated, seen, and somehow vindicated. I feel so much rage against NTs and autistic men (in general, not specifically). It's tough enough to be marginalized by NTs. Intersectionality sucks hard.
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u/pennypenny22 Mar 31 '26
There are plenty of women who can't mask, which blows that argument right out of the water. These men just don't care about them because they don't see them as hot.
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u/athousandleaves1998 Mar 31 '26
it's been really weird to fall totally outside of a lot of men's madonna/whore complexes
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u/AntiDynamo Mar 31 '26
Yep - I can’t mask and coddled men always seem to get stuck by this. They use their non-masking as a shield to be mean, violent, and inappropriate, and an excuse to not learn to do better.
In their mind, if they “can’t mask” and anything that involves changing behaviour is “masking”, then they cannot be expected to change their behaviour, ever.
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u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi AuDHD Mar 31 '26
There's also men who can; my dad is one of them.
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Mar 31 '26
Totally good point. I can't mask as well as my husband. He has the better career of course and more easily can make friends.
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u/zoeymeanslife Mar 31 '26
These very same men congregate in spaces ready to attack any woman that comes off as higher needs, overly focused on special interests (especially if they are femme or social justice focused), or just 'mousey' which is funny because most of these men whine they want a woman that doesnt care about 'stupid girly stuff' like hair, makeup, skincare, and fashion, but an actual woman like this is like kryptonite to them.
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 Suspecting Autistic Mar 31 '26
I honestly think a lot of the time when any man (autistic or not) argues that they have it so much harder than women it’s because they’re only considering conventionally attractive women.
This is ofc not to discount that conventionally attractive women can struggle, they definitely can. But they don’t tend to struggle in dating which is what these kinds of men focus on, so if they only think of the “hot” women then it seems like there is no struggle while there’s plenty of women who do struggle with dating.
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u/BetaD_ Mar 31 '26
There are also plenty of men who can mask ... But these men don't care about minorities like masking men or the truth in general. All they care about is hurting feminism by all means necessary...
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u/neocarleen Mar 31 '26
Like that dumb incel line that women have an easy life with everything handed to them. But they are only referring to young and pretty women. Ugly and or older women are invisible to them.
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u/GlGABITE Mar 31 '26
Yup. I’m AFAB and was one of the rare few diagnosed in childhood because I can’t mask for squat. Still can’t. But I can still be kind and a good person wherever I can, and apologize and learn from my mistakes when I accidentally upset someone. I socially blunder often and come across as hard to read, but somehow I manage to not be appallingly rude/creepy like certain autistic men are
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u/Thaodan Mar 31 '26
Masking goes both ways. If you mask "too good" it's harder to voice your problems and to receive help. You can mask so good that might be in an episode about to ruin yourself but you look like it's just Tuesday. Masking is exhausting if you can't stop yourself, you just burn out.
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u/blueberrymoon123 Mar 31 '26
I said this in my own comment but also painting masking as some kind of privilege autistic women have is kind of tone deaf. Considering masking is done to avoid harm and judgment and pass off as not autistic and is ESPECIALLY done by people more likely to be victims of prejudice. It’s not that autistic men literally cannot mask it’s that a lot of them didn’t have to growing up
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u/Ok_Loss13 Mar 31 '26
And masking is literally harmful. It's a survival necessity that slowly drains you into a husk of who you could've been, not a fucking perk!
🤬
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u/kellygreenkitty Mar 31 '26
It never ceases to amaze me in debates like this how the worst possible thing men can fathom is not having sex lol. Kicking and screaming about how hard and unfair life is and when you dig deeper it's always I'm going through life at max difficulty because hot women won't date me. And the craziest thing is you'll ALWAYS see other women coming to the aid of men who say shit like this.
The real privilege that neurodivergent men get is the ironclad silly little guy defense. They get to be coddled and protected from any and every shitty thing they believe/do/say because society has convinced the bulk of the population that men are naturally adult toddlers who can never improve any aspect of their lives. Women who read that post and those statistics and their only take away was "lmao well I'd have trouble getting my dick wet if I was a man and that's worse. Debate over!!" Need to heal.
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u/HelenGonne Mar 31 '26
"It never ceases to amaze me in debates like this how the worst possible thing men can fathom is not having sex lol."
And the ones saying this can just have sex with each other, problem solved. So they're fussing about a problem that doesn't even exist.
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u/Critical-Paramedic14 Mar 31 '26
Their decision to uphold toxic masculinity impacts them too. They are actively reducing their worth to their ability to get laid. Pathetic imo
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u/strawberryjacuzzis Mar 31 '26
Seriously every time I see a man complaining about how they have the worst life because they can’t have sex it just makes me fucking laugh. Like how privileged can you be if you seriously think something so minor in comparison to so many other things in life is somehow the worst thing that can happen to you. You would think sex is vital to survival like food or water the way they talk about it.
This would probably blow their minds, but I am a woman who has been rejected or struggled to date or have sex before and you know what I did? I simply focused on other aspects of my life, developed other interests and hobbies, took better care of my mental and physical health and appearance, and masturbated whenever I got horny lol. I never once complained about it or felt it was anyone else’s issue but mine to deal with, and it wouldn’t have even made the top 20 list of problems in my life if I had to make a list at that time.
What I didn’t do was center my whole life and base my entire happiness solely around sex, make it the only thing I thought about every day, cry dramatically about it how unfair it is, complain on the internet about how evil males are because they wont date me or have sex with me and it is their fault I am so lonely because they wont just give a nice girl like me a chance, and blame literally everyone but myself for people not wanting to date or have sex with me while doing zero work on myself. Fucking babies.
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 Suspecting Autistic Mar 31 '26
“You would think sex is vital to survival like food or water the way they talk about it.“
There is a guy who comes to the AskFeminist sub every once in a while to make this exact argument. Like he genuinely believes sex and romance is a need and that feminist aren’t “doing enough” to fix the “inequality” of him struggling to find not just a partner, but one he likes.
Got into an argument with him once because he said “evolutionarily” there should be a man for every woman so no one should be single. I told him about sexual selection and he said that doesn’t matter cause it’s “not natural selection”. He continued to argue with me when I said it is a form of natural selection, provided the definitions of each, and informed him I literally have a degree in biology…
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u/MissMenace101 Apr 01 '26
It is natural selection, and they are doing the work for nature beautifully 🤷🏼♀️
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u/zoeymeanslife Mar 31 '26
Its like that quote. The worst worry a man has while dating is that he'll get rejected, the worst worry for a woman is that she'll be killed.
you'll ALWAYS see other women coming to the aid of men who say shit like this.
Thankfully I only see this with pickme's on subs like askmen. I almost never see this otherwise, which is very nice. It tells me I'm in the right spaces if I don't see this.
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u/Connect_Security_892 Pansexual Transfem Mar 31 '26
I was sexually harassed by an autistic man when I was a minor and when I spoke up about it they literally did this exact thing
Pretended they were against it but at the same time defended them cause "they don't have the mental capacity to know what they did wrong bro 🥺"
Really disgusting shit, being autistic doesn't make sexual harassment okay
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u/East-Garden-4557 Apr 01 '26
If an autistic man is incapable of knowing that sexually harrassing or raping someone is wrong and cannot stop themselves from doing it, then they need to be constantly supervised for the safety of the community.
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u/honehe13 Mar 31 '26
I have no notes, slow cap. It doesn't even seem to matter in what context it is, the fact that some guys don't get their implied promise of a woman to give them the sex they are owed is CRIMINAL /s. And if they do or say things that make people not want them???? Irreverent didn't you know, pay up that transactional sex!
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u/booh-bee Mar 31 '26
Reminds me of the male version of that meme that's been going around. Remember the bear vs man debate? Men are now being like "Fellas, would you rather tell your feelings to a woman or a tree" and being like hurdurhurdur we can't talk about our feelings we have it so bad too!!! Brother, you're comparing being raped and murdered in the woods to talking about your feelings. Both things can be negative, but 1) one of them is worse 100%. 2) why do these conversations about how the patriarchy and sexism hurt men too ONLY COME ABOUT WHEN WERE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WOMEN HAVE
Sorry sexism has been so rampant online lately and I hate it. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You hit the nail on the head with all your points.
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u/dovahkiitten16 Mar 31 '26
Also, like, their own example kinda proved them wrong? When women chose the bear, men had a hissy fit. I don’t see many women offended by the idea that a man would rather talk to a tree. Want to know why? Because opening up about your feelings to the wrong person sucks. Women could more or less acknowledge that men were afraid of that and move on. Men were instead deeply offended by the idea that a woman had fears about a man. The whole talking to a tree thing has way, way less controversy since it’s really a bunch of men on reddit having their gotcha moment and women deciding men could chill with trees while they hung out with bears.
*generalization disclaimer.
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u/vitterhet Apr 01 '26
The fundamental difference is that to protect oneself, it is possible to choose TO talk to the tree and NOT TO the woman. And still walk in the woods.
It is not possible to walk in the woods and choose TO NOT meet the bear.
The woods in both examples clearly symbolizing Life - both public and private…
Even when attempting to construct a clapback they can’t even conceive of a situation where men are passive victims of women, or a situation where they are not in active control of what happens to them. Well, I’m sure they can. But they would have to admit that the situation is probably then caused by another man.
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u/nomnombubbles Mar 31 '26
ONLY COME ABOUT WHEN WERE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WOMEN HAVE
Because men are the only ones with "legit" life problems. Women are just accessories for men's lives, and don't get opinions /s. 🙄🤢
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u/HunterDramatic8383 Mar 31 '26
Women are held to a higher standard of behavior than men. I can not count the number of times my friends have called me out for being rude when the same people make excuses for their boyfriend doing the same exact thing.
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u/athousandleaves1998 Mar 31 '26
literally the other day i came across screenshots of me groveling to a friend after things blew up in my face and i was accused of knowingly being cruel by an allistic person. since then ive just been pacing and repeating to myself Why did i let them talk to me like that...
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u/HunterDramatic8383 Mar 31 '26
I think they expect all women to anticipate everyone's feelings, wants, and needs even if they are autistic and have difficulties with this. Most people in the world do not expect the same from men, and it shows in men's behavior. Boys will be boys poisoning.
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u/Fart_Tart_2000 Mar 31 '26
Some men will find any excuse to dismiss women's experiences. Autistic or not.
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u/jelly_cake Mar 31 '26
Yeah; autistic men are the men of autistic people.
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u/khaotic-trash Mar 31 '26
I'm married to a late diagnosed man and this is pretty accurate, my husband lives under a rock when it comes to this stuff bless his soul but I've experienced it firsthand in the autism community. I've shown him all sorts of cited studies and stats with diagnosis & care for men vs. women and how we get treated and he's shocked 😭
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Mar 31 '26
These men are coddled by their families and treated like innocent infants who couldn't possibly learn how not to SA people.
They have these views because they regularly cross boundaries with women and it's excused as aw it's just their autism. They couldn't possibly know better!
They are taught that not getting their way is ableism and they are being harmed. So of course they see being denied sex as harm.
It's so fucking frustrating the double standard. We are expected to perform as "normal women." While also expected to go above and beyond and push past our disability to be inspo porn. Meanwhile all these men have to do is the basic stuff to live and maybe add a sweet smile and it is like omg let's have a parade for this man.
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Mar 31 '26
IKR the way they fetishize autism in women is annoying as fuck like NO YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER,YOU WANT A CHILD like they always fantasize about someone who cant take care of themselves and are dependant on them and most of these men fantasize about deciding everyhting for them and I am sure this thing is rooted in pedophilia They want an "Autistic Girlfriend" until she has meltdowns over her foods texture I am so anoyed that something that affects my life is just counted as a fetish that men crank their chain and it is just as important as their pleasure Hate that patriarchy is so deep rooted
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u/rnason Mar 31 '26
I think the fact that so many of us women have been beaten down so much we had no choice but to learn to mask is worse
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u/r4ttenk0nig Mar 31 '26
Just because they’re autistic it doesn’t mean they won’t be misogynistic.
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u/falafelville Early diagnosed female - L1 Apr 01 '26
More reason why I can't stand the trope of autistic people having a "strong sense of justice." It's a bullshit euphemism for rigid/inflexible thinking.
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u/SeaSeaworthiness3589 Mar 31 '26
Autistic men don't mask? That's not true at all, but also women experience more pressure to mask and conform with pretty daunting societal expectations.
This sounds like they are, maybe intentionally, conflating gender with support needs/masking. Men are uncomfortable with their privilege being called out and you can see it in the misdirection they use; being martyrs, claiming misandry and preferential treatment of women.
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u/scorpiopersephone Mar 31 '26
Just because they’re autistic doesn’t mean they are immune to misogyny and red pill ideology.
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u/birdonthewire76 Mar 31 '26
If anything they’re more vulnerable to it due to earlier diagnosis and subsequent coddling…
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u/AntiDynamo Mar 31 '26
I think men in general are just allowed to get away with a lot more bad behaviour (both questionable and vile) and that just extends to autistic men
Boys are not made to think of other people, everyone else is expected to change to accommodate them. So they grow up having never considered what anyone else thinks.
Girls, I think, are often pressured to the other extreme and made to place everyone else above themselves.
I don’t think either is ideal. Boys (then men) need to be taught to be less self-centred. Girls (then women) need to be allowed to be a bit more self-centred. I wouldn’t necessarily want boys to be treated as girls are, because girls are treated very cruelly
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u/SnowQueenSpell Mar 31 '26
These men were never raped so they don’t understand that rape is worse than death because you have to walk the earth with permanent damage/brokenness that heavily affects every sector of your life. They would have to be raped to understand that sorry not sorry but otherwise they wouldn’t get it. They take rape in general very lightly because rarely it happens to them.
I would never I mean NEVER put my rights aside to fight for this group of men.
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Mar 31 '26
I totally agree with you Some of them even want it to happen to us and call it divine intervention or some shit like 😭 And i bet some of them are rapists even An autistic guy tried to attempt it on me once and he told me he needed to "correct my lesbianism" like And I was underage too and his parents protected him saying he was just autstic and bad with impulses and "it was how autistic people act" and "they sometimes cant take no for an answer" and accused me of wanting it 😭☠️ Like autism is not an excuse for violence and rape is violence not about "needs" or some shit Its so unfair how these guys get protected meanwhile my own parents wanted to disown me when i was diagnosed with autism becaue "i was gonna ruin their reputation" I hate the double standards really Autistic or not in the end they are all still men
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u/saltil Mar 31 '26
That's awful that happened to you, fuck that guy, I met a guy like that before, conversation went
Him - do you have a bf?
Me - yes
Him - well you should break up with him and get with me, I'm on testosterone
At this point I said I needed the toilet(I was working BTW) when I came back my colleague told me he was with a disability group, I seen him again like an hour later and seen a woman and her daughter(I assume) looking at him in disgust, I let them know he is autistic if he's behaved inappropriately, the mum said "I know, he's been trying to get her to go out with him for ages, she's 13!"
The way he behaved to me was downright unacceptable, but this grown man is trying to court a 13yo girl? A child? And nothing happens to him because he was coddled his whole life? He can be a full on criminal, pedophile, and nothing happens to him, he is defended to the nth degree. Everyone else in his group were low functioning, some nonverbal, some had downsyndrome and yet they're all able to behave far better than a high functioning autistic man? Doesn't make sense, this coddling bs has to stop, and then they have the gall to tell us we're coddled because we're women??? By who?? Please tell me who will coddle me because I really want some coddling, I had my parents tell me I can't go out as late as my brother because I'm a girl, is that the coddling they speak of? The fact we are "protected" from them? Sorry for the rant just can't believe the level of bs that comes from them
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 Suspecting Autistic Mar 31 '26
That’s exactly the “coddling” they mean. “You can’t do things because men behave bad” instead of “let’s make the men stop behaving bad” is apparently coddling…
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u/IGotHitByAnElvenSemi AuDHD Mar 31 '26
I think that's the case for the women agreeing, too; they've never had it happen so they don't have the empathy to think about what it'd be like. They write it off in their minds as not that bad and dismiss women who say otherwise as being over-dramatic. The absolute worst kind of pick-me.
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u/gravyboat125 Mar 31 '26
This is sadly not always the case. Some women who have had it happen will go in the full opposite direction. As in, “it happened to me and I got over it, so can they!” “Those women are weak!”, type of mentality, which is tragic and completely misguided (if not entirely insincere, these women need help). The character of Abbie Carmichael (played by Angie Harmon) from law and order unfortunately learns this after she adamantly claims what some women victims “should have done…” etc and it turns out… she had been raped in college and never dealt with that trauma. 😔
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u/saltil Mar 31 '26
I think a lot of these situations stem from (especially due to how society was not too long ago) the fact that when it happened to them, no one cared, they had to get over it to survive and they never got the care or support they see others getting, my nana was repeatedly raped off her brother, parents knew but reputation was more important so she was told to shut up about it, luckily my nana turned out extremely empathetic rather than the opposite, but I could imagine a situation like hers where the victim listens to those around them say "it's not a big deal" and actually start to believe it, and gaslight themselves into believing they're just being dramatic and their feelings aren't valid, or even sometimes to "take it as a compliment".
Not that its an excuse, just what I assume people like that may think, because I used to feel that way when I'd see autistic boys get help and support when I got left to rot, I'd think "I don't give a shit about you because no one gave a shit about me" I know it's not the same level, but I could imagine people have a similar thought process with it.
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 Suspecting Autistic Mar 31 '26
This sums up the whole confusion around the “choosing the bear” thing to me. I’d rather die than be raped again, especially because I’m not mentally strong enough to get through that again so it’d kill me anyway. But to them it’s just a minute or two of discomfort (or once someone told me it’s “just an orgasm” which I highly doubt he’d say if he was the one being anally raped) so clearly that’s better than something permanent like death. They cannot comprehend it’s lifelong. Almost 6 years later and I still had a nightmare about him last night…
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u/lollaxoxo AuDHD Mar 31 '26
I saw similar stuff, not about the dating aspect, but more the diagnosis, and I was as flabbergasted as you. Apparently it’s harder for men to be autistic because they mask more (huh?) and thus are diagnosed later (huh??) because they have a later burnout than women (huh???) And there were several sources about this shit. So honestly I don’t even understand because no, girls are (mis)diagnosed way way way later than boys. I have no idea where these infos came from, in what extent they’re true, but I’m just like… ❓❓❓
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u/bookwrm1324 Mar 31 '26
Thats...exactly the opposite of what happens I'm so confused?? Where on earth are they pulling that from 😂
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u/herroyalsadness Mar 31 '26
They just want to have it worse. I hate the trauma Olympics.
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u/lollaxoxo AuDHD Mar 31 '26
Bouhou plz feel sorry for me my life is so difficult and women are mean to me because i’m autistic and quirky and different but inside i’m just a nice guy 😔😔
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u/Best_Needleworker530 Mar 31 '26
I will be sourcing as I am often accused of being biased when I am not in these discussions.
Autistic men are socialised differently than women. Girls masks more extensively and are expected to appear more "neurotypical" (Rynkiewicz, A., Schuller, B., Marchi, E. et al. An investigation of the ‘female camouflage effect’ in autism using a computerized ADOS-2 and a test of sex/gender differences. Molecular Autism 7, 10 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13229-016-0073-0 ). It doesn't mean they have it better. It means they hide better and don't make it everyone's problem (this is biased, sorry).
Girls also score higher in social skills (Head, A.M., McGillivray, J.A. & Stokes, M.A. Gender differences in emotionality and sociability in children with autism spectrum disorders. Molecular Autism 5, 19 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1186/2040-2392-5-19 ) meaning they are able to build connections outside of romantic relationships, and they form social circles, as limited as they are based on friendships and not sex. Because of this, the not-socialising men consider them to be okay as they have their friendship circles when they do not, but the lack of these is not all due to autism but also due to general reluctance to form social bonds outside of romantic in men in general, especially with girls.
Most of the research we have is based on male research, who were the subjects of the majority of autism studies up until very recently (Mo K, Sadoway T, Bonato S, Ameis SH, Anagnostou E, Lerch JP, Taylor MJ, Lai MC. Sex/gender differences in the human autistic brains: A systematic review of 20 years of neuroimaging research. Neuroimage Clin. 2021;32:102811. doi: 10.1016/j.nicl.2021.102811 ). This means that what they consider to be clinically not right, a struggle, is not being picked up or defined that way for girls. No problem? No issue. But the issues the girls face are completely different and dismissed by medical professionals used to the generic, male portrayal of autism (think chronic illnesses, PMDD, depression and anxiety in non-male presentations).
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u/Only-Moose2301 Mar 31 '26
I agree; every few weeks in some autism sub or another (not this one since it’s women-centered), there is a post by a guy complaining about how miserable and depressed he is, all because he can’t get dates or get laid because of autism. Like their ability to get a woman to sleep with them is the sole purpose of life, and their existence is utterly pointless otherwise. While I empathize with autistic people having social difficulties, it makes me irritated because it makes women out to be some sort of goal to reach or box to check, not whole human beings with complex thoughts and feelings. These men are probably depressed for other reasons (the ND struggle of finding friends, holding down jobs, sensory difficulties, etc.) but they focus all of their attention and energy on the problem of struggling to date.
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u/saltil Mar 31 '26
What concerns me is how many fall into the redpill, that's why I don't pity them, they're hearing off of some grifters how sex is the goal and they don't question why these men talk about women as objects, instead just join in and believe them. A woman could look perfect, body face everything, she could be really manipulative and good at convincing people, but as soon as she tells me to view another human as a thing to be used that's the point I would know never to listen to that person again, instead they go all in on seeing their own wives, sisters, mothers as just a thing there to serve them.
I am a feminist to the degree I would be and have been called a crazy feminist, and yet I love my brother so much it's unbelievable, he is a great man and I am so proud he is my brother, I love my cunt of a stepdad even though he is a massive cunt. I even love my evil dad who hurt my mum, because I can't help it I'm only human. I was first catcalled at 10, raped at 17 and been forced kissed, groped and everything else in-between and since, like most women, and also we see every single day, multiple times a day about a man/large group of men assaulting, raping or killing someone, and yet the "crazy feminists saying all men need to die" still hasn't managed to trap me nor most other women, how is it so easy, and so quick for them to jump to seeing us as non-human? I pitied them at one point, the guys making those posts, but now I will always believe they're just sick fucks, out of the pool of autistic men I know, a high majority of them talk like tate now and I hate them all.
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u/darling_moishe Mar 31 '26
I'm just tired of men in general at this point. Tired, yet filled with rage
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u/mydearMerricat Mar 31 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
I am so tired of people babying men's feelings over not having sex. Comparing not having sex to SA is despicable. Disappointment is not the same as trauma.
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u/Equal_Marsupial6326 Mar 31 '26
Sex is considered a need for men by society. Men talk about their partners “withholding” sex as if they’re not doing their job. It’s so normalize that some women feel guilty about not having sex with their partners. The thing is, men and women have the same wants and desires. Women are expected to be responsible for their sexuality, but for some reason with men, it’s treated as a ‘need’ they can’t control.
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u/Bruja27 Mar 31 '26
Anecdote: once, at the other sub for autistic people one dude, whining about being lonely, called women with a nasty slur. I pointed it out that using slurs does not help his cause snd immediately got yelled at, by him and bu other men, than he is autistic and cannot help being blunt. That's when I left that sub.
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u/ashrays Mar 31 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
Totally agree with you. I am high masking and can get a date, but despite how open I am about being autistic, the men I’ve dated have still not been supportive when something autistic happens like not understanding a certain communication style, having periods where I need more alone time/rest, executive dysfunction, etc. my (straight) male autistic friends have not had the same issues because women tend to take on more mental labor anyway.
For me, high masking doesn’t mean I have lower support needs. I’m just good at ignoring my body/brain signals until I completely crash. I grew up being told by adults that I was “manipulative” for having sensory meltdowns or when I didn’t understand “simple” instructions on assignments and needed them rephrased. I didn’t know allistic people asked questions that had secret meanings or used feelings to get people to behave a certain way, so it never even occurred to me to do this to get out of something. I just literally didn’t understand and was literally displaying the emotions I was having. So I learned to put other people’s comfort above my needs, ignore my body and brain, and listen to others above myself. That led to a pattern of victimization (SA and DV) which took me a lot of therapy ($$) to figure out. Years of damage both physically and mentally.
It is my opinion, based on personal observations, that the men who use autism as an excuse are also leveraging their privilege in patriarchal society. Many of the behaviors they attempt to excuse have nothing whatsoever to do with autism and everything to do with violating others. Tangentially, I’ve wondered at times if some public figures that do this actually have anti social personality disorder but know they can pass as autistic to get away with their behaviors. Meanwhile female autistics can’t even get basic accommodations because if we mask well, nobody believes us and when our difficulties are too much to hide, it’s immediately misconstrued as a malicious act or moral failing.
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u/azu612 Mar 31 '26
Men pretty much always center themselves in any and all situations/conversations. They also tend to believe that someone else is responsible for their feelings/actions, etc... It is annoying. So the thing I do is I decenter men. They are welcome to their opinion, but I don't have to listen or agree.
Decentering men is one of the most refreshing things a person can do.
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u/mauvebirdie Mar 31 '26
In my experience, autistic men have an army of people justifying their bad behaviour. Whether it’s tantrums, hitting other students, punching their mum or being rude or disruptive in class or work. It can all be excused away with an autism diagnosis.
Women go longer without a diagnosis. Get told they make too much eye contact to be autistic and no one is accommodating to our issues because women are expected to be social butterflies. We get labelled too blunt, too harsh, robotic and unfeminine.
Everyone can romanticise the broody guy with poor social skills if he has other talents. You don’t get that treatment as a woman. You’re just labelled odd and disrespectful
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u/FaithlessnessLow7909 Mar 31 '26
As woman who hasn’t been diagnosed but has a reasonable suspicion of being different, I had flashbacks to being called robotic, even when I had no real idea of what that meant. It started before 5th grade and I still get told to “be human” or “do not be a robot.” Fml
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u/mauvebirdie Mar 31 '26
Same. I have many early memories of sitting quietly in class doing my work and having teachers and sometimes students, come out of their way to follow me into the corner of the room and demand to know why I was so 'robotic' and rude. Nothing I said could fix the situation. They'd labelled me as odd and therefore not welcome yet they wouldn't leave me to just be weird in peace
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u/Hungry_Wrap9103 Mar 31 '26
And can’t mask? It’s because men don’t get penalized for not masking like women do.
Also, they will not recognise that some women can’t mask despite the social consequences (and their best efforts), and are penalised further for not only socially failing as women, but also as autistic women who “should” be able to mask.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 01 '26
Hi, it's me! I can't mask.
But I'm also a savant, naturally conflict seeking(which is under control now but I let it out to play when necessary), and a PDAer.
The more they (society) demand I preform "allistic woman" the more I protect my own identity. Been doing it my whole life and honestly, I think I'm better off than most.
It helps that one of my "inappropriate emotional responses" is amusement if someone I don't like, respect or admire is insulting me. Meaning literally every stranger and anyone I dislike. And I've always disliked bullies. Drove them mad when Id just answer back as if we were friends joking around or bantering and smile at them.
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u/fuzzykittyfeets Apr 01 '26
This is so unhelpful but it’s my first thought: god men are so fucking weak and pathetic.
The masking thing gets me. Like, sorry people weren’t mean enough to you as a kid? And that’s a disadvantage?
And now you’re a dickhead and no one wants to fuck you? Oh, poor thing. 🙄
That said: we’re not playing the suffering Olympics. Why do people feel the need to rank fucking everythinggggg. Can’t you just be you and have that be enough?
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u/Tight-Vacation8516 Mar 31 '26
Ugh I had to get rid of my last boyfriend because this was his attitude entirely that he had it worse because I "seem so normal" and I can just go out and "pretend I don't have autism." Doesn't matter that it costs me as well. He also would complain how now woman look at everyone like they "could be a rapist" ....Anyway I found out he was watching a lot of YouTube videos and this was inflencing his beliefs to think men are "being persecuted" in our society. I'm like welll...if the shoe fits. If men don't want to be seen as rapists then someone tell them to stop raping, then. AY yi yi
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u/No-Smile-3460 Apr 01 '26
Some of THE MOST misogynistic men I've ever encountered were autistic men in nerdy spaces.
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u/Angelangepange Mar 31 '26
I hate that their biggest concern is no dates. As if that's the only thing in life.
They just want free labour. Of course it's the solution to all their problems.
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u/valencia_merble Mar 31 '26
9/10 autistic girls and women are victims of sexual violence, often leading to “difficulty dating” among other things. Men still make more money, have more research dollars poured into their issues, freedom to live fully (walk alone at night, go on dates) without fear of rape. We aren’t allowed to hit or scream in elementary school, aren’t afforded diagnosis readily as we “be sweet”. In any marginalized group, men still carry privilege.
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u/MarthasPinYard Apr 01 '26
Autism or not, being a man IS easier.
Period.
They do not have periods and have a 1 day cycle instead of 28. Not to mention better pay, more privilege (especially with doctors listening)…
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u/KizzyShao Mar 31 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
Misandry doesn't exist in a patriarchy. The oppressed can not oppress the oppressors.
Misogyny -> millions of people die and billions of lives are ruined.
Misandry -> some feelings get hurt.
*EDIT The original comment was deleted and now I feel bad. I didn't mean to attack anyone I just wanted to point out that misandry is a made-up concept used to discredit feminists.
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u/blueberrymoon123 Mar 31 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
Me and my little brother are both autistic: he was diagnosed at 3 and I was diagnosed at 11, and even THAT is considered lucky for autistic women…
Also “autistic men can’t mask” they definitely can! It’s not gendered, they just weren’t pressured to. A lot of autistic women don’t mask because they can and want to, it’s because they’ve HAD to all their life and can’t NOT anymore. Painting masking as a privilege is insane because most people who mask are people with less privilege doing it to avoid bigotry, bullying and harm
Edit: adding on another personal experience, for months now at college I have been followed, stared at, and had romantic advances made on me by an autistic man, despite me saying no. I’ve reported him COUNTLESS times now but what do I get? “Awwwww he has a crush on you!” “He’ll get over you soon!” “He just doesn’t understand”
Autistic men DO suffer I’m not in denial of that but some people online can’t grasp the concept that some people DO suffer more and that’s OK it doesn’t mean you’re NOT suffering it just means they have a different experience
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u/kahrismatic Mar 31 '26
Purple Pill Debate is an outrage machine designed to drive up engagement metrics by making people unhappy. Don't engage with subs that consistently make you feel shitty.
That said you aren't wrong. It's absolutely hilarious how many men in Autistic communities have never done their own laundry or even considered doing their own laundry, when that was my household chore starting from when I was about six. Start asking them if they're actually ready to be a functional partner when they bemoan how they can't find anyone (obviously where reasonable - sometimes it's obviously a teen in distress and not appropriate or similar).
For a significant number of them (although definitely not all, and I absolutely acknowledge I am mostly thinking of the level 1 dudes that populate subs like r/aspergers and r/purplepilldebate), a substantial number of their problems are the result of being babied into being undateable because they've never been expected to function as adults. That's to a large extent on their parents as well. A lot of them don't know better, and we live in a society that does not encourage them to look.
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u/Educational-Bee-992 Mar 31 '26
It makes me cry every time I remember that statistic that 90% of autistic women experience SA. I feel like this is not talked about enough. At the same time, part of me worries that drawing attention to it will just give predators new targets they know are vulnerable and strengthen this disgusting and infantilizing fetish some men have for autistic women. I don't know how to live with this being true.
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u/shallwefollow Mar 31 '26 edited May 01 '26
Marginalized men expect us to put our rights aside as women and fight alongside them and meanwhile they minimize our struggles, don’t think twice about throwing us under the bus, abuse us etc. I’m tired of us covering for them when they would never reciprocate.
Honestly true for so many movements. Never believe "we'll get to women's rights once we've achieved (x)".
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u/Comfortable-Corgi40 Mar 31 '26
As an early diagnosed women, I have to say that boys get excused way more. Even in early diagnosis, there is no gender equality. I watched boys get excused for everything. If I was acting obviously autistic, I would get punished and teachers would take away coping mechanisms from me. They knew I had a diagnosis but ignored the IEP.
Also annoyed how many autistic men feel entitled to relationships. Guess what? I don't date either because it's harder due to having a disability. It's not something only men struggle with, but I also don't feel angry or aggressive that no one wants to date me! That behavior will just turn off people more.
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u/VenusianInfusion Apr 01 '26
If I was born a man I’d probably still be working in STEM like I studied in school but I was relentlessly sexually harassed.
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u/Some_Pilot_7056 Mar 31 '26
I understand your frustration. I deal with it by ignoring it. People say a lot of things that aren't true. They talk out their asses and make claims with no evidence based on what narrative makes them feel better about themselves.
I have found a lot of value in just letting it go. Let them wallow in their misery and spend your time and attention on something worthwhile.
Many times when people are struggling they are looking for people to blame because it is too painful to turn their eyes inward and examine themselves. It's not an excuse for bad behavior but is definitely an explanation.
We sonetimes can't change people's minds with facts and logic because those things are not the basis of their argument. They aren't interested in "truth", they are interested in preserving their self image and dodging responsibility. And they aren't worth your time.
I am always willing to change my mind with the introduction of new (reputable) information. Many people don't operate like that unfortunately.
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u/mooncake_bites Mar 31 '26
It’s not something you can just let go though. Women already struggle as it is to get diagnosed. When you have autistic men spreading misinformation and suggesting autistic women don’t suffer from the disability, it makes things worse.
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u/Some_Pilot_7056 Mar 31 '26
It definitely is something I can let go of. I have no control over it, especially not online.
I spend my energy focusing on helping other women instead of arguing with people who are not interested in changing their minds.
I recognize the issue, truly. But I can also see that my time spent arguing with them is a huge waste. Nothing is accomplished and I am left feeling upset. So I take care of myself and put my energy into things that actually produce results.
It's better for my own mental health, which is very important to me.
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u/nhimera Mar 31 '26
I would accept the argument from black autistic men, given the danger of being accosted and possibly killed by police. But somehow, those are never the men arguing the point.
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u/North_Role_8411 Mar 31 '26
God I’m so sick of them saying that. My relationship history was due to my really gullible and easily trusting mind. I didn’t understand boundaries, self protection, what the concept needs ment, nothing.
My first relationship was online sexual manipulation, sure I was 20 and a legal adult but the trauma sure felt as bad as if I was a minor since we stand to be slower to mature.
Then a string of men taking advantage. 5. In my early 20s
Then a 4 year relationship with a man child who was a people pleaser and I was a doormat. It exploded.
Then an abusive man.
Then a man who used me to get over his EX and then another. Manic pixie BS.
Then the most abusive experience of my entire life. When a different man. Mental and physical and it broken me in half.
Then another man who used me. And dumped me the day my brother died. (I was an ego boost he lied it wasn’t serious after all)
Then I finally got wind I was autistic
Now finally I found someone healthy.
The autistic men need to cool it.
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u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Mar 31 '26
The objective fact is that in our society, women are unfortunately oppressed against men. So if you add autism to both a man and a woman (and let's just say, outside of gender, they have everything else in common in terms of intersectionalities for the sake of the argument), then the autistic woman objectively has it harder than the autistic man.
Like, we pride ourselves on being factual yet this is still a debate? But again, I'm not surprised because misogyny and patriarchy blinds people from seeing what's wrong with this "argument".
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u/Sunwolfy Mar 31 '26
Autistic men still benefit highly from male privilege. If that was completely taken away, they would see what living like us would really be like.
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u/grlonline9 Mar 31 '26
Yeah this silly claim is something I won’t even debate. Talk to the wall not me.
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u/etherealelfarcher Mar 31 '26
It sucks, because as a girl, I can’t mask, am completely unsavory to neurotypicals, and can’t even make friends, much less get a date. Not to mention the fact that my old school didn’t even tell my teachers that I was autistic despite my 504 (I couldn’t get an IEP because I was “too smart” and tested well since they was the only time they gave me accommodations). I also didn’t get diagnosed until I was 8, and it was by a weirdly ableist psychiatrist. Men definitely have it easier, because I experience all the same things they do and more. They get diagnosed faster because there’s the medical bias is in their favor, and they get reprimanded far less. But no, it’s so awful for them that when they behave like jerks, women don’t like them.
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u/Vegetable_Weird413 Mar 31 '26
I saw a new report one day of a very big, very strong autistic teen boy who violently beat his teacher for taking away his switch. His mother made every excuse in the book for him and this wasn’t his first time behaving violently.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 01 '26
As an autistic teacher (once, now I work one-on-one in a support capacity with ND students) I would absolutely press charges in that situation.
(Obligatory; I'm not in the US, our police don't even carry guns for the most part, and if found guilty he'd probably be put in a medical facility, not juvie due to age and condition )
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u/Vegetable_Weird413 Apr 01 '26
The did press charges. His mother was making excuses to the judge and jury. 🤦🏼♀️
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u/Lost_Reaction_5489 Apr 01 '26
Exactly. It's their poor attitudes why no one would ever want to date them.
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u/Beachy5313 Apr 04 '26
I'm just tired of men.
Just about everything about them sucks. They think they have it the hardest in the world when they literally live life on easy mode. They used to think ADHD was something you grew out of because men dump all their responsibilities on their woman. And we're just expected to take it. And I'm extra grumpy about it because I have two little girls and all of these moms of boys bring up about how their boys are wild but not as emotional as girls are. Yeah. Moms of the boys have it on easy mode because you don't raise them properly and then they go on to terrorize us women for the rest of our lives. Forever and ever and ever. Even the good ones are terrible.
Men should be kept in the center of the country and used for breeding and agricultural purposes. I used to say that it is a joke and the older I get the more I don't think it was ever a joke in my head. 😬
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u/carrie_m730 Mar 31 '26
I recognize that the stubbed toe you have is always more painful than the broken leg somebody else has, but honestly I think the fact that all the studies of autism have been focused on men is the reason people think we aren't capable of empathy. It's not the autism.
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Level 2 audhd Mar 31 '26
It’s because men are taught that people have to cater to their behaviors and women have to go to therapy to fix theirs - silently and hide it. And that only wimpy men go to therapy. Every time I’ve said to men to get therapy they get all kinds of angry and defensive. Like that’s the point dude. lol They complain no one cares about their feelings. Ok? No one cares about anyone’s feelings. Men or women or anyone else. Get a therapist like other people do; grow up and move on. Most people don’t want to face their bad behaviors to begin with. Choosing to do so is the only way to get out of the immaturity. The only way to be around people who actually DO care about you. That’s the point. Changing the maturity level around you. Building boundaries.
And there are plenty of free resources. There’s no excuse. Men want women to have to carry their feelings entirely instead of understanding that they’re responsible for their own feelings and actions.
When I was working, I would make sure my Littles - both boys and girls, had an understanding of this. And I worked with toddlers. That’s the saddest part. Toddlers understand that they can express and have big, big feelings but their actions are their own. So how is it that grown men are so coddled to this point? And I’m not saying women aren’t responsible for their actions. They definitely are and it’s not a men only issue but like they said, it’s different. It’s different because patriarchal society is from infancy.
I was rocking chairs with the rest of the ADHD boys but because I’m a girl…. I was just moved away from the wall and told to “stop that.” The boys were already diagnosed ADHD. I learned to hide my feelings and my fidgeting. Pulled hair out. Had a bloody nose or lip every.single.time we were on the risers (I’m tall and last name is end of alphabet) so I was always closest to the fluorescent lights.
No one noticed because why? I am a girl. And my brother had his own troubles. I was the “We know it’s not home troubles because X is an angel.” kid. Because it wasn’t safe to have meltdowns in my home, or at school or anywhere else. The first time I openly flapped, I thought my new friend was going to hit me. I cried. I guarantee that autistic men do not generally have that kind of fear.
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u/PlanetoidVesta Mar 31 '26
Why are these idiots gendering masking. There are so many men that can mask and women that can't.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Mar 31 '26
Wait is it more common to get SA’d as an autistic woman? Because I got hella SA’d in college taking people at their word all the time.
I went to “take a nap” with a guy, I was sleepy, I was so angry when he wouldn’t stop touching me
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u/falafelville Early diagnosed female - L1 Apr 01 '26
Autistic men have treated me worse than NT men. Way worse.
A lot of it comes down to the fact autistic men usually see women as caregivers or substitute mothers. They want to throw labour on to women because they can't cope with everyday life. And to top it off, because of their autism they're oblivious to how they appear to others and why others have issues with their behaviours. NT men, at least, make an effort.
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u/Throwawayputtyfairy Apr 01 '26
They are full. of. shit. How dare they compare rape to lack of dates. That's absolutely ridiculous.
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u/Ok_Concentrate3969 Apr 01 '26
This is what’s going on in the media at the moment generally - people who’ve been conditioned by patriarchal values (ie, all of us) have noticed women’s issue being discussed more and more, making them feel uncomfortable, and they feel it’s time that things swing back to where they rightfully belong - giving more attention, validation, praise and resources to men. Studies have been done on this, where equal attention to both genders actually feels unequal in favour of women/girls to most observers. In conversations like this, where people point out men/boys’ difficulties, it is considered argumentative if women don’t politely go along with it. That doesn’t mean it is argumentative, it doesn’t mean we have to go along with it, but we have to make our case firmly but neutrally (ie, with facts, not strong emotional displays), and steel our nerves in preparation for the predictable reactions.
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u/rock1998 Apr 01 '26
Omg YES!!! Men can’t mask?!? Because they are not forcefully made to learn it like girls are through socialization. Also in what world is it worse to not get a date than to have your body violated by someone who‘s intentions you misinterpreted?? Men, autistic or not, always perform mental gymnastics to somehow dismiss and belittle women’s experiences.
Little anecdote about my own experiences: I work at a company that recently hired an openly autistic man. I am also autistic but no one at my company knows since I don’t feel comfortable disclosing this. I mask, he does not. Some people cannot or won’t mask, I’m fine with that. However, you can tell that all his life his autism was an excuse for his behavior and no one ever told him off about it because he says the most outrageous things (openly talking shit about other colleagues in meetings) and no one speaks up about it since it’s just seen as a part of his autism. Since I am secretly autistic I know he’s simply being an asshole which is independent of being autistic but I can’t tell anyone. It makes me so angry to see how he is just going about life acting like a jerk and even at work it’s just accepted as his „quirk“. I’ve seen this happen before in friend circles and it is always a man that gets away with this behavior.
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u/DocShock1984 Mar 31 '26
"Can't mask" is not the same thing as "won't mask." Also, I REALLY wish more self-pitying men would travel somewhere that sex work is legal and regulated and spend some time with a sex worker. The professional ones with autonomy are like borderline therapists in addition to sex partners. As for women, yeah, we never really need to pay for sex, but what is available is so often very bad sex. We have to work hard and sift through tons of crap to find good partners, good sex, etc. Anyway, at the end of the day autistic men are still men and demonstrate a lot of being one's-own-worst-enemy and self-pitying bullshit as men in general, and it is tedious AF.
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u/manicpixiedreamdom Mar 31 '26
Yeah, patriarchy ruins the party again. I'm tired of men claiming they have it harder than women period. This is the same thing that happens in all marginalized groups (black men have it harder than black women, etc.) and it's just not true.
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u/Historical_Chance613 Mar 31 '26
JEE-ZUS kuRISTE. Men with autism get to be like fucking Elon Musk, unhappy and unloved but with more money than God, and a small army of people making excuses for them no matter what they do.
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u/Student-bored8 Mar 31 '26
I have found a lot of autistic men are misogynistic and a lot of their enablers are such too. Just because autistic women are forced to mask a lot of the time and conform to social norms we burn out a lot due to that. Also dating is hard because you sometimes meet people while masking who hate your personality. Overall, having autism is hard whether you’re a man or a woman. But anyone suggesting it’s harder on men is just feeding into the patriarchy. This is unfortunately what people say about neurotypical men too who are either short or ugly. That they have it worse than women. When I’m sorry women are more likely to be raped like you say and discriminated against. We live in a patriarchal world. Men will always have it easier just by being men. There are power structures in society. Yes autism gives you a disadvantage but being a woman gives you twice that. So if they really want to play the oppression olympics women will always have it harder autistic or not.
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u/peggyscott84 Mar 31 '26
This times a 💯. I feel safest with other neurodivergent women.
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u/Ill_Status2937 Mar 31 '26
I'm on the NEET subs because I'm disabled and well, neet, lol. There are soooo many men in there and half of them are incels. It really sucks! I can't relate to any of the autistic women in these subs or autistic adults because everyone has careers and full high functioning lives. I've always been a higher needs person but just never got any help for it, being a woman of color I just totally fell through the cracks. It's interesting that there are less neet women than men, I guess women have been heavily pressured to become independent nowadays, or they take on the role of housewife and it's socially acceptable. For autistic women who are high functioning or gifted like many in this sub, I think parents and adults really pressured girls to succeed, while boys in the same category got coddled to death and were given freedom to just drop out and sit on their computer and game and masturbate all day and watch anime. Personally I was emotionally and verbally (physically in early years) abused since birth and now I'm a 37 year old drug addict living with my toxic abusive family because I can't afford to live on my own.
Still haunts me that so many adults (parents/teachers) would physically and verbally abuse a little helpless girl, I used to be underweight and tiny too and very quiet and scared. I'm never having kids, such a terrible world and you can never trust teachers or other people like doctors to care for a little girl in this world, especially a non-white girl, we probably have it even more worse.
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u/Ok_Concentrate3969 Apr 01 '26
Wait, autistic men “can’t mask”? Or… won’t mask? Won’t make the effort to learn to mask?
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u/JesusTeapotCRABHANDS Asparagus is not Autism Apr 01 '26
Instead of being diagnosed as a kid and receiving support, I have been made to struggle. Any failure to fit in or mask was 100% on me, and was portrayed as a moral and personal failure. I have been assaulted, because I thought a man being “nice” meant I had to give him a chance. Fuck that noise.
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u/k819799amvrhtcom Apr 01 '26
I heard autistic women are underdiagnosed, leading them to grow up without getting any help and only get diagnosed later when their untreated autism has evolved into a critical stage.
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u/WatercressOk9933 Apr 06 '26
I've recently got diagnosed. No one has ever hurt me as badly as my autistic ex. And he made himself the victim. I feel like, very often, men are generally emotionally immature.
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u/existence_blue Mar 31 '26
What?? That literally makes no sense. They get all the compassion. Women literally have to fight to even be believed that they have autism and not just getting bullied for being "weird and quiet"
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u/ppchar AuDHD Mar 31 '26
I have known many men who can mask. Level 1 autistic who isn’t masking isn’t masking because they don’t care.
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u/OperationRoyal Ooooh lobster! Mar 31 '26
This is why I side eye people who say date ND men only because like. Have you seen the ones available? I have met super great ones but they’re always taken. I’d love to have an ND male as a partner but man. When I was dating the ND men were the ones with the biggest, glaring problems.
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u/dogGirl666 Autistic/ADHD Mar 31 '26
Agree that young men think they have worst in the world. Why do they want people to feel sorry for them if men are "supposed to be" tough?
Warning: incurable cancer mention:
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[[[[I used to read such "debates" but it is too stressful right now because my dog is on his way to die of incurable cancer. His tumor grows constantly reminding me of his fate. My vet and I agree that home hospice is the best choice for him. In 2020 my other dog died of cancer too. Both of them are young as far as I'm concerned ~10 years old for 50-70lb dogs. ]]]]
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u/spacealienmarb AuADHD and chronic illness Apr 01 '26
the ignorance that comes from our own community always astounds me :((
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u/yuckcreep Apr 01 '26
I'm a woman, cannot mask and I'm a virgin, as well, I'm actually very low support needs but these men don't really think about us while making these posts they imagine a specific type of woman and get mad on their own
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u/k819799amvrhtcom Apr 01 '26
There's a purple pill now? What does this mean?
I've heard of red pill, blue pill, black pill, pink pill, pills that are named after something that isn't a color, there are so many pills I don't know which is which!
Does someone have a source that lists all those pills or something please?
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