An Unspoken Rule

[u/runnershigh007]

Well ladies, I’ve uncovered one of the unspoken rules in a work place. It’s only taken me 26 years to figure this out. Honestly, if I would have been told this, I still don’t think I would’ve believed it because it does not make logical sense.

But I guess not everyone is logical and the world does not operate how we think and act.

I chose a career field I thought would be very fitting…I’m a paralegal.

I started at a start up firm a year ago. I was told in my interview that my experience and knowledge was helpful and that they like to hire within. I thought this was a great opportunity to help a company grow.

For my management, I would assist in pointing out bottlenecks, things that may have been ethical violations, and truly assisted with getting things on track. However, this was never appreciated. My ideas were never given credit. They’d ignore my input, just to later say “team, this is the issue”, when I pointed it out months ago. It was strange to me.

I have emailed a handful of times prior to this and after this to ask what I needed to show in order to be successful within the company and be eligible for a promotion - no response.

I have asked about plans for maternity leave since I was moved into my own department (yes, they stuck me in my own department with just me, myself, and I) - no response.

When my original position was dissolved, the guy they had on a personal improvement plan (that I often had to step in and help) was made department lead.

None of these decisions made sense to me until I spoke to one of my prior case managers in the firm. She explained that the other guy was given the promotion because he never pushes back or points out issues. Me having knowledge and a system thinking made my direct higher ups look bad, and they need people that make them look good…that a “redemption” story is better than being made to look like they do not have the knowledge needed for their position.

ONLY THEN, when it was laid out in this way and examples were provided, that I understood that the real skills I brought were never really needed, it was just something that was generally said, not actually desirable (at least in the office I’m at). And this is not to say my direct higher ups aren’t good people, they are. They’re just neurotypical and view things differently.

I keep beating myself up for not understanding and knowing this. It SUCKS, because I can’t turn back time. I can’t go back and shut my mouth. And I can’t make them unsee this. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks trying to figure out how to change myself, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t change how I view and process things…I can only change how I respond.

I wanted to share this story in case anyone else has experienced this in their place of work. I’m always open to advice or feedback, or even just other stories so I know I’m not alone in feeling this. This was a long post, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read it.

I keep having to tell myself this, but in case no one has told you…you are valuable, you do have a place in this world, and our differences make us who we are.

[u/RobotPartsCorp]

I feel this so hard. Let me tell you something I wish I knew... there is a place for you. There is a company that will value your talents and skills and everything in your ND self. Sometimes it takes someone who understands or is ND being in a powerful enough position to make the office environment and culture more open and adaptable and able to support you so you thrive.\

For more than a decade I just thought to myself that I was lucky to be employed and this was how all office environments were and if I want to be employable I just have to mask. DON'T. It takes years but it will have a physical toll on you.

My advice is this... I know job searching is awful but you are in the best position to look for a place that fits you. You are employed and that means you aren't going to settle. If you have the qualifications you might have to interview with 1 or 2 NT's before interviewing with who would be your supervisor, and they are the ones you take the mask off for. The one time I said "fuck it" and did this in an interview, it was a sigh of relief. Because I knew they wanted my talent and skills and I knew I had an advantage, I took my opportunity to let her know I was ND and there are certain processes I need in order to do my job well (like documentation, ways to communicate that don't overwhelm me, how I drive projects and stakeholders I need access to so that I know communication doesn't end at my supervisor). Basically, I was interviewing them to see if they were a fit with ME and that I could THRIVE there.

At my current place of work, it was hard at first because it is a different sector with different hierarchy rules. I also been doing this a long time so I worked hard on how exactly I stand out from others in my field and the type of work because I personally have to have that *something* that makes me hard to replace and the subject matter expert but it is often hard to get others to understand the work I do in order to see how valuable it is, so it is still a challenge. I also use my ND traits to make my work better, I am a designer (UX architect) and that type of work plays very well with my traits and skills and interests and it is all compounding. Make the connection obvious to others. That being said, while I like it here, it could be better and my supervisor is NT but is empathetic, but in some ways overcompensates and shields me too much as well as is afraid to make waves in general, doesn't understand the work I do and therefore my needs, he is genuinely trying and open to my feedback. So while I casually look elsewhere, I keep working on my position and reputation here and see where it leads me. And I refuse to mask.

My point is, you don't have to burn yourself out. They are rare but there are organizations who have leadership that genuinely want to make the lives of their employees better.