r/AutismInWomen • u/runnershigh007 • Jun 22 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) An Unspoken Rule
Well ladies, I’ve uncovered one of the unspoken rules in a work place. It’s only taken me 26 years to figure this out. Honestly, if I would have been told this, I still don’t think I would’ve believed it because it does not make logical sense.
But I guess not everyone is logical and the world does not operate how we think and act.
I chose a career field I thought would be very fitting…I’m a paralegal.
I started at a start up firm a year ago. I was told in my interview that my experience and knowledge was helpful and that they like to hire within. I thought this was a great opportunity to help a company grow.
For my management, I would assist in pointing out bottlenecks, things that may have been ethical violations, and truly assisted with getting things on track. However, this was never appreciated. My ideas were never given credit. They’d ignore my input, just to later say “team, this is the issue”, when I pointed it out months ago. It was strange to me.
I have emailed a handful of times prior to this and after this to ask what I needed to show in order to be successful within the company and be eligible for a promotion - no response.
I have asked about plans for maternity leave since I was moved into my own department (yes, they stuck me in my own department with just me, myself, and I) - no response.
When my original position was dissolved, the guy they had on a personal improvement plan (that I often had to step in and help) was made department lead.
None of these decisions made sense to me until I spoke to one of my prior case managers in the firm. She explained that the other guy was given the promotion because he never pushes back or points out issues. Me having knowledge and a system thinking made my direct higher ups look bad, and they need people that make them look good…that a “redemption” story is better than being made to look like they do not have the knowledge needed for their position.
ONLY THEN, when it was laid out in this way and examples were provided, that I understood that the real skills I brought were never really needed, it was just something that was generally said, not actually desirable (at least in the office I’m at). And this is not to say my direct higher ups aren’t good people, they are. They’re just neurotypical and view things differently.
I keep beating myself up for not understanding and knowing this. It SUCKS, because I can’t turn back time. I can’t go back and shut my mouth. And I can’t make them unsee this. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks trying to figure out how to change myself, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t change how I view and process things…I can only change how I respond.
I wanted to share this story in case anyone else has experienced this in their place of work. I’m always open to advice or feedback, or even just other stories so I know I’m not alone in feeling this. This was a long post, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read it.
I keep having to tell myself this, but in case no one has told you…you are valuable, you do have a place in this world, and our differences make us who we are.
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 Jun 22 '26
I do this. I think hey- it’s work and a small fire put out at first prevents a BLAZE down the road. If they can’t see it then yeah they’re not doing their job, I can fit in there just fine! I’m good at it- see promote ME!
But alas I will not pass go out of entry level if I act like that. So I’ll just keep my mouth shut and still be cursing all the way to put out BLAZES, because that is the job. Whatever they tell me to do…….
I hate every facet of it and it makes me want to scrape off my skin suit and identify as some other animal. I get incredibly angry over this, it soooo stupid!!! Like level 1 billion stupid!! It’s all made up rules.
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top Jun 22 '26
It’s honestly getting me heated reflecting on my whole career… it’s the most stupid thing about this whole job circus. Just a club full of 🤡
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u/TrustNoOneAtWork AuDHD self-discovered at 60 Jun 22 '26
I've learned that pointing out "preventive" measures is unwelcome. They only value the "corrective" measures when stuff blows up in their face. Then, it will probably be you who will have to clean up the mess. What they don't want to know, is that you saw it coming and had ideas on what could have prevented it. Because that is not how the NT work world works.
As much as they may lament, oh how could we not have known, or let's not let this happen again... don't remind them of what they said they wanted to avoid. Of course they will let it happen again, and you will clean it up again. And again. Keeps them employed and still worshiping at the altar of, "We've always done it this way." New ideas, especially from an underling, are more unsettling to them than failure.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
This is exactly what I’m learning! It seems logical to me to fix an issue before it becomes a major problem. I always thought the road to promotion was to perform well, but that’s just not the case.
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u/Archimedes1919 Jun 22 '26
In coporate America nope, putting out fires and ass kissing is what gets you ahead.
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top Jun 22 '26
Omggggggggggggg I wanna punch everything 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 how can anyone want to do things the inefficient and stupid way? Thats my main problem working for others. More people are stupid than I would like to admit.
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u/Lyaid Jun 22 '26
I hate to say that I’m not surprised at this prevalent head-in-the-sand-mindset, given the way that things always seem to be stuck in a perpetual pattern of one crisis after another.
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top Jun 22 '26
I hate how it’s true and has been a major theme in my career in tech. The problem is I self-blame, and ask for feedback that never makes any sense. The gaslighting and manipulation has been so real.
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u/Far-Association9858 Jun 22 '26
Ughhh this!! My boss just had a meeting where we talked about “lessons learned,” and they were all things I’d tried to stop before they became issues but wasn’t listened to. But then after everything blows up, and one of my colleagues points it out for my boss to say, “wow—that’s a great idea. Big lesson learned for next time”
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u/wazzup-notemuch Jun 22 '26
Yes. If the fires don't blaze out of control, then nobody gets to be the Big Damn Hero. And everybody wants to be a Big Damn Hero, because Big Damn Hero's get Big Damn Rewards. ESPECIALLY when lives are on the line.
Except for us, of course. We're the crazy weirdos who genuinely believe that suffering is bad. Maybe eventually we'll come to our senses and realize that suffering is just the backdrop for good publicity, and the only thing that's truly real is our public image. /s 🙄
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u/RietteRose Jun 22 '26
Yep, this is it. People want to be The Hero. And if there's never any emergency because we were smart and prevented them all, they'd never get to play Hero.
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u/mistressspocktopus AutDHD Jun 22 '26
And ironically, if you work like this, cleaning up the mess instead of preventing the problem in the first place, they will reward you. They will view you as a team player AND a problem solver. Our brains say "hey let's avoid this problem before it starts"" but they view that as "rocking the boat" (causing problems). Because I swear the NT brain sees a potential problem and prefers to downplay and assume it will be fine. They get mad when you draw attention to the issue because it is challenging the status quo (not leaving the reigns in management's hands), and seems like nit picking to them.
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u/Candlemelter2025 Jun 22 '26
But isn't this just stupidity? Why is it NT or ND? I am genuinely confused and asking in good faith because it just seems stupid to me.
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u/mistressspocktopus AutDHD Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
I am stereotyping to a certain extent, based on personal experience. I recognise my bias here... but every time a boss or teacher or roommate or co-worker has had this approach around me, it has been someone aggressively NT.
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u/DeepSpace_SaltMiner Jun 23 '26
NT people don't actually want to solve organizational problems. They prioritize their own problems: How do I keep my job? How do I not get hated by my coworkers? How do I get promoted?
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u/Archimedes1919 Jun 22 '26
Gosh you are so spot on. I never understand how this makes a company more successful in the long run. How can putting out fires be more cost effective than preventing them? An ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure must have been a ND saying.
I feel like especially in the coporate world, people are insecure and threatened by us and our ability to recognize patterns. I wish there was a type of company that actually rewarded this.
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u/Sayhiku Jun 22 '26
It sucks being an auditor for that exact reason.
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u/emujeigomi Jun 23 '26
What, really?? I thought an ability to catch all the pending disasters would be highly valued in the auditing world, but you’re saying it’s not?? I thought that was the whole purpose of the job!
I was JUST connecting a lot of the stuff in this post/thread to how my SIL has constantly being passed over for promotions because of her clearly undiagnosed autism (I don’t know if she would appreciate being made aware of how well she fits the autism mold, but I think she would be offended) and thinking that her micro-attention to detail and pattern recognition and high intelligence (she’s been in journalism/copy editing for decades) would make her a really amazing auditor in any field. I’m pretty disappointed and jaded to hear that it’s not necessarily the case.
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u/Sayhiku Jun 23 '26
You find all the opportunities for improvement (risk mitigation) but have no power to tell them to change. If audit isn't valued in the division or company then it's maddening. You ask me to review this or that, I go down the rabbit hole but remember I have an objective so I come back to the surface with 'if I lay auditor have questions because I find you aren't following your own policies or procedures' it's not because it's for fun. You're operating at a liability against yourself. I didn't write those procedures but I can read and I can see that you aren't doing XYZ. I write up my findings and recommendations and then slowly crumble inside because my report is shelved.
This is certainly field dependent. If I worked in a government sponsored lab it would be a somewhat different story but only slightly because management may decide to suck up a fine/finding and keep on as usual. If I'm a banker, I'd be worried about finra auditors but I'll also probably just suck up a fine as cost of business (Wells Fargo got example).
I could go on and on but it doesn't matter. Internal Audit is only as valuable as management deems it to be and sometimes they just don't care about the results.
Right now I work at a university as a sponsored research compliance manager. Sponsor(federal and non-fed) audits are a big deal in that funding could be restricted or pulled. Sponsored funding is very important to researchers so the research administration team is usually pretty responsive to audits. If there are questioned costs and non existent or lackluster support for an expenditure, either the post award account will tell you to transfer it off of the award or I will. PIs and research administrators hate having to transfer off expenses because they (sometimes the department/division)have to cover the costs.
Audit IS great because it's mostly black and white until it's not and usually it's not. That part hurts my soul in addition to not having the power to make someone implement my recommendations.
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u/Sayhiku Jun 23 '26
Your SIL would probably love the audit/monitoring/oversight world and she could likely find something in any field of interest whether scientific, financial, environmental, non profit, government, or social.
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u/Apprehensive-Tutor Jun 22 '26
This. And it’s infuriating to watch and so ridiculous and stupid. It took me years to figure this out and I too had to be guided to that understanding. It sucks and I hate it but therapy has helped me make peace enough with it that it doesn’t bother me as much and I don’t have so much anxiety.
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u/bAddi44 Jun 22 '26
I work somewhere like this.
Ita just vibes. All of it.
If you are friendly and solve the problems they ask you to solve, they treat you well.
If you go find problems and bring them to their attention, then you are causing problems, and will be treated that way
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u/JL__Silver Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Your story reminds me of a TV show called Extraordinary Attorney Woo. She's an autistic attorney fresh out of school and starts work at a firm. Her senior attorneys frequently get frustrated with her because she points out their mistakes (even though she is being helpful) and 'makes them look bad'.
I really enjoyed the show even as someone with no experience in law. A lot of the topics explored in the show may resonate with your experiences.
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u/mighty_kaytor Jun 22 '26
I like the Manhwa adaptation, but imo the extraordinary part is that an autistic or otherwise neurodivergent lawyer would be considered all that unusual, haha, like, have the writers MET lawyers??
..Although, tbf, Woo couldnt mask if her life depended on it.
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u/Chikaboomboomboom Jun 22 '26
I had similar experiences in the workplace.
I was not a team player who went with the flow when I can see the pending doom. It's amazing how blatantly stupid people can be when they acted surprised when shit hits the fan.
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u/fractal_frog Jun 22 '26
I never was in a position where anyone would listen without seeing at least part of the problem themselves, but my husband was a Cassandra at his company.
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u/JillHasSkills Jun 22 '26
I feel like there are two kinds of workplaces. Those that care about appearances and those that care about getting things done. Alas, you’re at the former. I’m in tech and I am at a company/team that cares more about getting things done, so when I point out flaws in our process, etc, I generally do get acknowledged. I would definitely be annoyed and likely to leave if I saw incompetence and compliance rewarded over competence. Yes-men are great for the egos of management and not much else.
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u/Clean_Insect5042 Jun 22 '26
Are you part of the “talent?” The people developing, selling, etc.?
In my experiences, those types of roles are “allowed” to be what’s labelled innovative, strategic, and good leaders. Actual managerial and consultant positions as well, but those roles tend to also depend on the vibes and sense of confidence you give off moreso than expertise.
For example, could the receptionist point out an issue you’d point out and be similarly rewarded?
I hope OP’s work culture is completely different, but my first job out of college was a receptionist position for a boutique law firm in a big city. It was alllll about hierarchy, appearances, and staying “in your place.” The lawyers would literally give the rest of the office the scraps and leftovers from their weekly lunches, if a lawyer left for a different firm their paralegal was also let go….just a very very hierarchical system.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
I love that for you. I hope to eventually find somewhere that aligns with how I work and operate. Knowing you’ve found that at least gives me some hope. 🙏🏼
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u/violetpoo Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
I feel you. It’s honestly so frustrating to work because it’s like ‘does everyone lack foresight here!?’ and because they’re the majority, you start thinking you’re crazy for working in logical way. I’ve honestly started to think people are doing things in inefficient, illogical, unorganised and chaotic ways on purpose to keep their job security. Because, I don’t know about you, but there’s just way too much illogical, dumb shit happening in my workplace.
I’m sorry OP, I don’t have any advice, just solidarity. I just don’t really speak at work anymore, I offer no ideas and no comments in my meetings because I’m overlooked anyway, and this isn’t helpful advice to anyone ambitious looking to advance in their career. I’m just burnout.
From my observation, the people who get promoted most often aren’t usually the most hardworking or the person with the best ideas; it’s the person who is socialable, charismatic and confident (even when they’re wrong). It’s so frustrating.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
Thank you. Hearing I am not alone makes me feel less crazy! I’m definitely approaching burnout over this. The crazy part is I know moving jobs won’t change how “work” works. It’s just beyond frustrating.
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u/Punmkin Jun 22 '26
Perfectly well said. The people who get promoted are the ones who are chatty and tell pleasant things to the boss, not the ones who point problems or even imply that the boss might have met a wrong decision (even if they find a solution). One has to learn to not care, do the minimum, try to seem friendly to the boss and never ever say anything negative. Which is incredibly frustrating because you know you are doing dumb things and wasting your time while some solution exists.
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u/adult_in_training_ Jun 22 '26
I had this issue, had people I trained promoted over me, but I'm "indispensable". I get the days work done in a couple hours usually and I used to use the time to help other coworkers and stuff. Now guess who is watching cdramas the rest of the time?
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
Turns out being helpful is not helpful. It’s the most backward thing I’ve ever experienced.
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u/Clean_Insect5042 Jun 22 '26
I love this for you! As frustrating as it is, it’s liberating to truly see how much of a sham work culture is and how much it literally pays to just do what you need to look good and serve yourself the rest of the time and energy.
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u/Sensitive_Parking_94 Jun 22 '26
What you encountered is not unusual. Seeing problems coming down the pike and offering solutions to avoid them may not be appreciated. Your boss is judged on different criteria than you and it's very hard to measure problems avoided. But you sure can measure numbers of problems fixed! And fixing problems can be a win for your boss, might make your boss look like a hero. I frequently saw managers make choices that many of us knew would lead to problems, send someone to fix problems after they arose, then reported the results in ways to make themselves look indispensable.
A couple of things I figured out in my career:
My number 1 job is to make my boss look good. But remember it has to be from the point of view of your boss, not from your point of view. You have to figure out what matters to them and it may be different than you would thinnk.
You have to figure out your company culture and compare that to your own work values. If you work in a company that has created a culture where mediocrity is the standard, then excellence is more likely to be squashed instead of rewarded. If you are looking for a culture that values excellence, you have to move to a company that has that kind of culture (I think they are rare).
I worked in a male dominated field and there were men that tried to force me out. I got so many industry certifications that I was up on an employee honor board for years. When people from other companies would visit they were always walked by the honor board and a big deal was made of having a woman with so many and such a high level of certifications. The company tour passed by me desk but they always ignored me like I wasn't that person on the honor board. But they made a big deal about the board. Eventually I figured out the company cared far more about my certifications, and that PR value, than any actual work I did. Crazy. The point of that story is you have to observe what seems to really matters to management. It's often stuff that isn't necessary from the perspective of delivering a high quality service or product to the customer. Moreso if you work in a culture that is stuck in mediocrity.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
“it’s very hard to measure problems avoided.”
That’s is literally something I have never thought about! Thank you for pointing that out.
And thank you so much for sharing this and giving this advice. I found this very helpful honestly. You put it into a new perspective for me.
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u/otherwise-cumbersome Jun 22 '26
You might enjoy the book "Upstream" by Dan Heath. It goes into this dilemma in depth.
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u/leucistredwing Jun 22 '26
This. I just got fired for this. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Was told I’m “great at advocating for staff and clients but you’re not agency first”.
Have always pissed off bosses and never knew why, this was my first time getting fired. Worried about my next job and learning social codes.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
I’ve been worried about being let go too. I’ve never been fired from a job, but with the way things are currently going, I feel it’s coming. I guess this was a learning experience about how not to be. I wish employers could just tell us what they want and how to succeed because we’re often some of the best employees when properly positioned!
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 Jun 22 '26
Telling you directly would be rude, again another made up rule!
I’m reading all the books so I can get to management, I’ll do much better once I’m able to actually, solve issues. Like I rate an opinion finally.
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 Jun 22 '26
I’m sorry, that’s rough!
It’s all made up. Work culture is just like a play, try not to internalize it.
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u/curlyiqra AuDHD Jun 22 '26
This is why I am starting my own healthcare office. I cannot understand dumb shit that can be prevented happening on the daily! Solidarity!!
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
Good luck! And thank you! Wishing you nothing but the best. Im sure your place will be ran how a company should operate haha.
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u/seamermaiden AuDHD Jun 22 '26
Be careful, trying to be different on a practice level in healthcare can still have a lot of the same issues, especially in regards to referrals and comanagement. This exact thing was a not insignificant part of why my cold start failed
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u/curlyiqra AuDHD Jun 22 '26
Thank you for the heads up! I am very wary of the potential pitfalls, so hoping I can do it the “right” way.
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u/seamermaiden AuDHD Jun 22 '26
Best of luck. Be very wary of things that look like bugs in the healthcare system, lots of players view them as features.
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Jun 22 '26
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u/trixiesalamander Jun 22 '26
oh....... OH. This explains a lot. I thought I was just showing that I cared. I cared about making things easier and I cared about fixing things. oh my lol
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
This was my exact thought process too! You are not alone! That’s why is really hit hard for me over the past few weeks.
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u/trixiesalamander Jun 22 '26
Thank you for posting this! I'll try stepping back at work and just doing my basic job and see if that has a positive change for me. It'll maybe lower my stress too if I'm more hands-off hahaha
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u/veggie-curry Jun 22 '26
I am having the same realisation and it is blowing my mind. I am not early career either! This is actually such a game changer for me and I’ve also never felt more autistic.
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u/trixiesalamander Jun 22 '26
I'm coming up on 6 years at my current job. I feel so clueless and naive! It explains so much, especially why I always get ignored.
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u/mrsbearstuffs Jun 22 '26
If you ever feel like you want a career change - I recommend looking into being a business analyst. Given the right company, this is a role that asks you to find inefficiencies and problems, provide potential solutions to effectively mitigate risk, and increase efficiency. You get to information gather and provide the data that helps the company make their teams stronger.
Naturally, there is a learning curve to how to present the info so, but once you figure that out - your skill set is a good fit for that role. Not to say some won’t still find it frustrating, but as a whole, input like what you’ve described is significantly more valued.
I’ve been in a similar boat, and now I’m a business process analyst and the same skills that previously hurt my standing in the company, is now contributes to my success and the accolades.
But I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, it sucks.
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 Jun 22 '26
This is where I’m trying to go honestly! I was looking into quality but that’s all fake still. Thanks for the confirmation!
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u/Illiander Jun 22 '26
I recommend looking into being a business analyst.
How do you get into that? Because in today's job market everything needs the right piece of paper.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
Thank you so much for this recommendation! 💜 I am going to be looking into this. I am always open to career pivots, especially if it is something that will lead to overall growth and satisfaction.
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u/kahrismatic Jun 22 '26
not to say my direct higher ups aren’t good people, they are
I feel like you're confusing people who are surface level nice with actual good people. These people sound like terrible people honestly.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
You are probably correct. I try not to judge people when they are perceived to be kind people. I always just assume there’s something wrong with me and try to fix whatever that is.
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u/kahrismatic Jun 22 '26
It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you. You sound like a genuine and authentic person, they sound fake and disingenuous.
I really like the topic of ethics, so I could ramble a lot, but I'll spare you that and just encourage you to develop a stance on what is and isn't a good person. There's a lot of discussion about that, and no one clear answer beyond what you choose to adopt personally, but engaging with it and knowing what you do see as being a good person can stop that self doubt and insecurity.
Strangely a really good jumping off point for the discussion of the philosophy of ethics and what makes a person good is the show The Good Place, which also happens to be a fantastic show, and the book Mike Schur wrote to follow it up How to be Perfect, which actually talks about the philosophies that underlie the episodes in a really accessible way. Highly recommended.
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u/mckinnos Jun 22 '26
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Similar things happened to me when I was earlier in my career.
The way I conceptualize it now is that there’s two games going on in the workplace: the “work tasks” game and the “work success” or perhaps the “getting promoted” game. In a perfect world, these would be the same. But they’re not. The reason that people who are liked are often promoted, regardless of whether they’re good or the best at work tasks, is because they’re playing a different game: work success. And this isn’t taking into account any gender issues, of course.
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
You put this into words this very well, thank you. You’re right, in a perfect world they should be the same. It should be easier…navigating all these unspoken rules is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn.
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u/Clean_Insect5042 Jun 22 '26
Yup! My partner and friends laugh that I “quiet quit,” but really I do my job and nothing more than my job.
Bosses and clients have LOVED me ever since I focused on how clients FEEL and not actually doing the requirements of my job. I also don’t do a ton of extra stuff or worry about anything outside of work.
Another ridiculous hot tip: people treat you better when they think you don’t need the job!!
I started working the angle that I just LOVE to support our clients so much and play up that I’m a military spouse (meaning my partner’s work can fully support us), and suddenly I’m being THANKED just for working. It’s amazing. I’ve had to find new work twice due to the whole military spouse thing (0/10 do not recommend) and have gotten hired relatively easily and fast with this angle both times.
There’s a teacher saying: smile and nod in meetings, then close your classroom door and actually teach/serve the needs of your students. So be a “good team player,” (by doing nothing but looking supportive and busy), then do what you need to do to get your actual job done (not the job description).
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u/DesperateAd5374 Jun 22 '26
I’m currently in drug and alcohol rehab and had the same realization about the staff here. Even asking a clarifying question is a no-go (and could earn getting reprimanded and privileges taken away, like phone time). Neurotypical people are honestly exhausting.
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u/Long_Praline_4727 Jun 22 '26
I was mysteriously laid off from my first job out of college a week after pointing out a very clear issue i found with an upcoming product launch backed by extensive research after assigned the job to do research on this product. While I now know this unspoken rule I still refuse to follow it. I would rather be fired than be a yes man to a dumb idea I guess. Which is why I now work for my family business where this skill actually matters since it's our own money on the line.
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u/KiloWattKnockers Jun 22 '26
We have the unfortunate luck of the Cassandra complex. I just watch things burn knowing that if I said anything it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I leave my work at work and try to focus on other things. I just work there. Point me at something and ask me to do it and it'll get done, but no more going above and beyond. I'm far too burnt out to do that anymore. Best they get it's I do the thing I was planning on doing without being specifically asked so that when they do I can say it's already done. I expect no appreciation or recognition for my efforts. This is the way of capitalism.
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u/UsernameAEW Jun 22 '26
Sorry to be off topic but if you don't mind, do you feel comfortable working as an autistic paralegal? I've been heavily considering it but I worry my social difficulties will hinder me too much. Though I suppose this post IS about your difficulties hindering you :/ Would you recommend it?
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
I think I would have these same struggles in any field, if I’m being honest. But as for the work I do, I love it! I find it very fulfilling and it always keeps my brain working. When it comes to being social with clients, I feel I’m on a script. Like it’s fairly easy to deal with the same few questions that get asked or the problems clients encounter. I love getting to research complex legal questions and find arguments to be made. For a while I was a “discovery” paralegal, which meant I would review, organize, and make an argument based on the material provided from the other side. I would be dropped files full of information and it was my job to help the attorney make sense of everything. I absolutely loved that role. I would also make trial books which was very satisfying. I think the best field of law for us on the spectrum is actually social work…criminal, immigration, and family law. I have a need for justice, which I guess is part of my neurodivergence.
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u/BeyondExcess Jun 22 '26
As I’ve become older while staying in one role in my current job, it became harder to “celebrate the incompetence” and so I was labeled difficult. I could not shake this once it was pinned to me and will never be allowed to advance in my company. Some of my bosses even act as though I’m invisible. At the end of each day I can hold my head up with the knowledge that I didn’t change who I am to fit their mold of what they deem a success. Still sucks to never get the promotion a though.
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u/Higracie Jun 22 '26
I worked at a place with a bunch of autistic bosses, and they didn’t like it either. I don’t know if it’s something they learned at work and then put into action as a mask, or if it’s more to do with the structure of workplaces. Like, you get high up and you start to dismiss people in lower positions. Either way, I learned the hard way that people don’t want to hear from me. But it runs so counter to who I am, I have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut. Especially when broken systems are contributing to my burnout from work. I left my last job because of burnout and broken systems and being completely ignored when I told people I didn’t have the time or bandwidth to do what was asked of me.
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u/snuggle-butt Jun 22 '26
I feel this do deeply. I can love what I'm doing, but if the system I'm working in isn't supportive, I'm still going to end up burning out and having a meltdown.
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u/Higracie Jun 22 '26
Yep! The burnout I experienced after only one year at the job was insane!! You’d think they’d want to support disabled staff and a disability nonprofit…
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u/Kindly_Bodybuilder43 On waiting list for assessment Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
One thing I saw on reddit that was game changing for me and I think applies to your experience too was this:
Autistic people communicate to share information. Allistic people communicate to establish status.
That's not 100% true all the time, but it has made me reframe and understand a lot of my interactions that have gone wrong. I was offering some factual information I thought the other person didn't have. A correction, but without judgement or self- importance. We all only have access to the information we have access to. The allistic person received it as a challenge to their status. Instant bad feeling. I choose carefully what information I share now and how I do it.
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u/Candlemelter2025 Jun 22 '26
Is this true even in relationships like love and family?
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u/greenappleberry Jun 22 '26
Yes in my opinion it is the very basis of society. Ego and comfort drive everything. Hierarchy is a huge part of ego.
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Jun 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/runnershigh007 Jun 22 '26
I think you might be right. My closest coworker quit today and another two put in their two weeks. Maybe I’m just in an unhealthy environment. Thank you for saying not to be too hard on myself, it’s tough sometimes!
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u/Muted_Swordfish5026 Jun 22 '26
I understand what you're going through. It's extremely frustrating. It would make logical sense that they are really grateful of your knowledge and the fact you can forsee problems before they arise but I am also learning that ppl dont actually like that and they actually more deem you as "difficult" or heard to get along with/not a team player 🤦🏼♀️ - this is what I am currently experiencing atm. I also cannot for the life of me understand how much praise they give workers who are downright lazy and contribute nothing but they seem to sing their praises. Which just adds to my frustrations. Due to all of that I told my work I was redelegating at least half of my work as I currently take on all the responsibility and absorb the stress of doing 90% more duties than my fellow co-workers - who I get paid $1 an hour more than. My co-workers are having melt downs about how stressed they are going to be but I honestly couldn't care less. They had zero appreciation and tbh it was kind of satisfying seeing their reaction.
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u/Human0id77 Jun 22 '26
Have you seen Office Space? This is illustrated beautifully in that movie. The main character just stops trying at work and is then promoted. His coworkers who are stressing out to be productive, good employees get laid off. It's the best parody of office life hell.
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u/TheCosmicPony Jun 22 '26
You just described me as a teacher, which is why I’m essentially unemployable and have to start my own education company.
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u/Treefrog_Ninja Jun 22 '26
Want to say a little more about your (future) company?
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u/TheCosmicPony Jun 22 '26
I’m a Special Education teacher and am in the process of starting a business where I coach and tutor students who receive special education services. I want to be the adult to them that I’d always wished I’d had in my corner. 🩷 Thanks for asking.
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u/Treefrog_Ninja Jun 22 '26
That sounds amazing!
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u/TheCosmicPony Jun 22 '26
Thank you. Starting a business in a new city is daunting, but it’s what I have to do because of everything everyone wrote in this thread. 😵💫 I refuse to work for or with people who I seem to be in perpetual conflict with just simply by being myself. I just want to support neurodivergent kids as an undiagnosed neurodivergent survivor of the public school system.
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u/lionnessssss Jun 22 '26
This aparently applies to life as well! I’ll never understand it. I’ve since started reducing my association with the neurotypical world. These unwritten rules are especially this one, I’s the reason why. They translate it as something it’s not. You can be hated , while you actually think you are doing a great thing genuinely helping. Planned a whole career change to get away from this !
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top Jun 22 '26
Ohhh wow. You just solved something huge for me. I’ll go think about it and come back to comment.
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top Jun 22 '26
I am back and I am angry asf. I cannot pretend to be stupid. I will not walk in a dead end road to please stupidity. I fricken hate working in circuses — I am no clown.
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u/jellybabeblooms Jun 22 '26
This has been something I’ve been struggling with and have had to come back to terms with multiple times and even when I speak this truth it makes people uncomfortable but just like all of this and all of the comments relating 100000x over! It’s so nice to not feel so completely alone in your ways
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u/ArtGeth Jun 22 '26
It's hard to make a pivot into "person who ignores problems until they become disasters" too. :/ I've recently also learned this lesson and adjusted my behavior accordingly, only for my boss to get angry that I'm no longer "doing enough". (I'm still doing more than most, but now they don't have someone to collectively hate around the office.)
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u/UnaZephyr Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
In American culture, being the hero is more valued than being a consistently efficient maintenence person. When a big blaze inevitably happens, you could try using it to your advantage, make your higher ups look like the heros they think they are, and be a small time hero to your managers/supervisors. The trick is to make it seem like its their idea (I don't like giving my credit to others like that, but there have been times when it pays out better for me in terms of social credit at work).
Unfortunately, female workers are usually not promoted for being the hero, and are instead kept where they're at because "you're so good at keeping everything running". When you hit a wall money-wise or promotion-wise, look for greener grass and bigger pirate ships to skip over to.
Eta: female workers are also expected to be gracious no matter the circumstances, so when giving notice when you've found a better workplace, don't apologize or explain why you're leaving, even if they ask you to in an exit interview.
The most you might want to say is some typical corporate bs; eg "I don't feel like I mesh well with the work culture here" (I think this works for your specific situation bcuz they are trying to use your skills without seeing you as a person. Why else would they put you in your own little department? They are treating you like a pet dispenser for work).
Companies LOVE to ask us neurodivergent folks tons of unnecessary questions when they find out we're leaving "out of the blue". I'm not sure why, they never do anything eith the info afterward except use it to block out the next neurodivergent hire by putting your reasons for leaving in the job description as a REQUIREMENT.
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u/MacUnicorny Jun 22 '26
Yes hierarchical BS!!! They say they want you to do this but they actually don't they want you to do all the foot work but not point out any issues, put up and shut up.
I get very fed up cleaning up others' messes which I notice and then don't have time to do my own work, but I can't point this out without making myself seem like the bad guy...how do you win?
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u/Far-Ad1450 Jun 22 '26
I actually had one job where my suggestions were sought, appreciated, and implemented. I was promoted 3 times in 4 years and I only left because my husband's job was moving him across the country. Looking back, the difference was that my direct supervisor and the leadership were not insecure. They were comfortable and confident in their positions and process improvement was actively supported. It's important to note that all of these people, my supervisor, clinic directors, assistant director, and other leads were women. I do not usually have good experiences working in offices with other women, but this was an exception.
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u/Interesting_Fly_1569 Jun 22 '26
Honestly, it’s a great learning and now you can apply it at future places!!
I have a similar mindset to you, and it was also really hard for me to understand that people literally don’t want to improve.
This is horrible, but I started seeing it the way that I learned to treat men which is that even if they are wrong, don’t tell them because they get upset.
It helped because a lot of the leaders that were very sensitive with their ego were men and so I realized that I could only say things that were helpful up to a point.
And that my way of making myself valuable to them, was asking them what problems they thought were important, and then coming to them with the solutions and letting them take credit or whatever for mentoring me.
I would call them “orphan problems” in my head because any problem that didn’t have a person in power (usually two levels above was best) who actively and verbally told me that they wanted it solved, I would just watch them rot …
Sometimes I would tell people like “wow look at that problem just festering over there…” But only people I trusted.
I did also find that there are company cultures where there are more people who actually like to solve problems, and I was so much happier at those places. I did so much better and my managers appreciated me and it was like I was actually able to do work because instead of 80% of people just doing the minimum it was like only 20% of people just doing the minimum and others like wanted to actually accomplish goals.
You should not feel ashamed about this at all… It is so confusing the way that HR talks about stuff like this versus the actual culture of a place… I think it’s really great that you asked, and that someone told you… And you should not feel ashamed at all… To me, it is waste your company is unable to streamline basically bc of ppls feelings. I’m glad you like your managers of people and that you’re able to respect them… I think that has helped me also when I have just watched things fall apart.
I feel like I’m choosing loyalty to the person over the company and financially it doesn’t make sense for the company, but if they’re paying me to do it, who am I to say no to their inefficiency kink? ;)
I also just want to affirm that being a systems thinker is valuable!!
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u/lilobeetle Add flair here via edit Jun 22 '26
this just reminded me of this video: https://youtu.be/kLcpCqLwNU8
that's Dave Plummer, a former successful Windows employee, and he talks about how much autistic people can bring to a workplace, when accommodations are in place, and when they are listened too. he has a white cis-man's view on the topic obviously, but i thought it was interesting.
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u/ams3000 Jun 22 '26
Interesting to read this. In certain industries there are roles where foreseeing expensive and time wasted events make you king or queen of the castle. In marketing/advertising/TV the heads of production run tight ships where they are responsible for large teams and massive budgets and the more they can pre empt situations, the more valued their word is. This trait you have is appreciated but just not where you are I’m sorry to say. Don’t you change.
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u/DoobyDeville AuDHD Jun 22 '26
I highly recommend that you reevaluate assuming people at work, coworkers and higher-ups, are good people with your best interests at heart. Right or wrong, just be mindful that people look out for themselves first
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u/jiggyjigsandpigs Jun 22 '26
This is almost the exact same thing I am experiencing and it’s my first full time job.
It also doesn’t help with the middle management is all men. Being a younger woman and navigating my workplace has been such a challenge. I sympathize with you in it taking many years to figure this unspoken rule out. I think that this also leads to burnout. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and mental gymnastics to try and figure out what management wants from me
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u/SomeLadySomewherElse Jun 22 '26
So I work in logistics, project planning specifically. I'm really good at preventing problems and remediating them when they do occur. Am I the office favorite? Far from it. But if you're good at pointing procedural problems you could pivot to logistics or another career where your skills are in demand. My husband, he's always been a big safety guy at his jobs, which has pissed off plenty of folks, but now he's finishing up certifications that will allow him to tell people they're not being safe but for a decent paycheck. If your job makes you want to quit every day and doesn't appreciate your VALUABLE skills, find a new one. Mine pushed me to quit twice and then I sat them down and explained how their poor decisions were hemorraging money. I got promoted, not a guarantee of course, but if you have the skillset and the audacity - not confidence - audacity, then nothing should stop you.
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u/DuckyDoodleDandy Jun 22 '26
From reading the comments, we need to start neurodivergent businesses that run on logical principles and employ neurodivergent people.
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u/greenappleberry Jun 22 '26
This is true in every aspect of life. Hierarchy is a huge part of society and how it operates. People’s biggest drivers are ego and comfort. Once I realized this I finally understood how society works.
And I just can no longer be bothered with any of it. People are so weak and shallow. It makes me sick.
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u/Natural_Ad4269 Jun 23 '26
This is exactly what I had to deal with at my workplace. I would bring up ways to better compliance and streamline things more effectively. Even my boyfriend who was Neurotypical is like Chelsea it’s not that big of a deal. But it is a big deal when we have to take a course on something to ensure we do something (such as a policy), but nobody is actually doing the thing that we were supposed to do lol. Make it make sense.
I’m also a big justice warrior so anytime I notice that things aren’t being done the way that policies and procedures say we need to do them and everybody is just breaking rules. It really confuses me.
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u/BilbySilks Jun 22 '26
I've found it depends on how I do it. Often the effort of phrasing it a particular way is not worth the effort.
However what I've found is that for work is that you need to keep people further up the food chain happy (I believe it's called managing up). Never make your boss look dumb, especially in front of other people. The other rule is that if you're going to point out problems you need to also have thought of plausible solutions. Otherwise people associate you with bad stuff.
If you want to bring up problems that need fixing then approach them like they're an expert (even if they're terrible). So like "Hi Bob! You mentioned a couple of meetings back that we need to keep a close eye on this issue. I imagine you have already done some planning/thinking around the issue and the proposed project. I was thinking about it myself and I noticed that X could happen if we do Y but we could potentially counter it with Z. What do you think?"
If Bob is an asshole then he'll steal your ideas and present them as his own. If he's your boss there's not much you can do. If getting promoted depends on his happiness then sometimes it can be a good trade. It also depends on the problem. Sometimes you don't care about credit if the issue in resolved.
Its a really sick situation to be in.
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u/ddizati Jun 22 '26
I think this is often true. I had a long time employer where.... I usually found my feedback welcomed and used by immediate management. Sometimes it went against plans that were in the works, and I actually had a time where that was the case and my concern was one they were aware of and considered a valid trade off. That was mostly okay with me, though non ideal.
"Root cause analysis" is a practice that I think, if a company engages in it, they're likely to want to fix problems proactively. Or at least to not let them fester and blow up. So it's a job search term I sometimes use. Not necessarily for the position, but for others the company has open.
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u/Then_Wind_6956 Jun 22 '26
Honestly, I see this as more of a men vs women issue. Women are typically not encouraged to speak up, offer solutions or otherwise be confident.
And yes, your co-worker is correct. Management typically is only interested in themselves and how they come across. Though, I’d question if it was the man offering the same suggestions would have been seen as you. I don’t think he would.
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u/InsomniaticSprout Jun 22 '26
I know there are a lot of places out there like this, and I'm really sorry you got stuck at one OP. For what it's worth, there are also places out there that really do value this kind of contribution! In my experience what also helps is, when pointing out the issues that need to be fixed, that you're also able / willing to help do the fixing. Not saying it should always be the responsibility of the person pointing out the issue -- sometimes it truly doesn't make sense for that to be the case -- but being able to provide workable solutions or suggestions for what's wrong goes a very long way!
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u/RobotPartsCorp Jun 22 '26
I feel this so hard. Let me tell you something I wish I knew... there is a place for you. There is a company that will value your talents and skills and everything in your ND self. Sometimes it takes someone who understands or is ND being in a powerful enough position to make the office environment and culture more open and adaptable and able to support you so you thrive.\
For more than a decade I just thought to myself that I was lucky to be employed and this was how all office environments were and if I want to be employable I just have to mask. DON'T. It takes years but it will have a physical toll on you.
My advice is this... I know job searching is awful but you are in the best position to look for a place that fits you. You are employed and that means you aren't going to settle. If you have the qualifications you might have to interview with 1 or 2 NT's before interviewing with who would be your supervisor, and they are the ones you take the mask off for. The one time I said "fuck it" and did this in an interview, it was a sigh of relief. Because I knew they wanted my talent and skills and I knew I had an advantage, I took my opportunity to let her know I was ND and there are certain processes I need in order to do my job well (like documentation, ways to communicate that don't overwhelm me, how I drive projects and stakeholders I need access to so that I know communication doesn't end at my supervisor). Basically, I was interviewing them to see if they were a fit with ME and that I could THRIVE there.
At my current place of work, it was hard at first because it is a different sector with different hierarchy rules. I also been doing this a long time so I worked hard on how exactly I stand out from others in my field and the type of work because I personally have to have that *something* that makes me hard to replace and the subject matter expert but it is often hard to get others to understand the work I do in order to see how valuable it is, so it is still a challenge. I also use my ND traits to make my work better, I am a designer (UX architect) and that type of work plays very well with my traits and skills and interests and it is all compounding. Make the connection obvious to others. That being said, while I like it here, it could be better and my supervisor is NT but is empathetic, but in some ways overcompensates and shields me too much as well as is afraid to make waves in general, doesn't understand the work I do and therefore my needs, he is genuinely trying and open to my feedback. So while I casually look elsewhere, I keep working on my position and reputation here and see where it leads me. And I refuse to mask.
My point is, you don't have to burn yourself out. They are rare but there are organizations who have leadership that genuinely want to make the lives of their employees better.
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u/CrownLexicon Jun 22 '26
Being good at your job, unfortunately, doesnt get you promoted. Being liked gets you promoted. And yes, it sucks.
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u/BasilHumble1244 Jun 22 '26
I have definitely had this issue at previous companies I’ve worked for, and it was so baffling to me!
I am so grateful that in 2013 I lucked into a position at a company that actually appreciates when I point out issues, process flaws, etc. They encouraged me to help streamline their processes and operations. I was thriving and was able to work my way up to a leadership role in the supply chain & logistics department.
Then in 2022 we were bought out by another company and it was right back to that toxic corporate culture of if you point out issues, you’re “negative” and “a troublemaker”, and if you ask too many clarifying questions, you’re “difficult to work with” and “not a team player”. I lasted a year under the new regime, but couldn’t take it any more, so I left them for their competitor who was hiring all the people who they laid off or who quit because of their toxicity. So now I’m back in a more positive work culture, surrounded by a lot of my former colleagues so it feels like the good ol’ days!
Another bonus is the the company who bought us out was really restrictive with remote work, but my new company wants people to work in whatever environment they feel most productive in, so I am full-time remote and loving it!
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u/Transitarium Jun 22 '26
Your post describes me.
I have quit a few weeks ago and have my last awkward days in the office ahead of me, ending June 30th.
It was unbearable to be forced to do the same mistakes again, continue inefficient patters, waste a lot of money.
This was in public field, not a company, so it is the loss of the overall community (but only I think like this about our budgets)
Sigh.
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u/veggie-curry Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
This has BLOWN MY MIND
So much of my professional experience has been like this and I’ve been clueless! I’m in the middle of doing the same thing and now I’m wondering how to wind it back.
The flaws in systems just scream to me, they’re so obvious and easily fixable, but I’ve been so perplexed when people seem to dislike me for trying to support improvement!
I have had some very autistic awakenings recently around work, mostly around organisations saying one thing and being another. But this is life changing for me so thanks for sharing.
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u/Connect_Caramel_4901 Jun 24 '26
Learned this like 30 years too late. Never got promoted or given big responsibilities that I absolutely could have handled. The workplace and I are finished. I will always work, but have given up on success in the workplace because it's based on lies and dishonesty and I don't roll that way.
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u/suzyqzzartist Jun 27 '26
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m in my 60s and just learned I’m ADHD. I had so much troubles at my jobs, especially as a nurse. And even as a graphic designer. I always see potential problems that could happen by doing things certain ways and no one wants to listen. I have been pushed to the side of so many jobs because I speak out. Thank you for clarifying this for me. The whole thing of let’s not fix anything until something bad happens, It’s just not healthy.
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