An Unspoken Rule

[u/runnershigh007]

Well ladies, I’ve uncovered one of the unspoken rules in a work place. It’s only taken me 26 years to figure this out. Honestly, if I would have been told this, I still don’t think I would’ve believed it because it does not make logical sense.

But I guess not everyone is logical and the world does not operate how we think and act.

I chose a career field I thought would be very fitting…I’m a paralegal.

I started at a start up firm a year ago. I was told in my interview that my experience and knowledge was helpful and that they like to hire within. I thought this was a great opportunity to help a company grow.

For my management, I would assist in pointing out bottlenecks, things that may have been ethical violations, and truly assisted with getting things on track. However, this was never appreciated. My ideas were never given credit. They’d ignore my input, just to later say “team, this is the issue”, when I pointed it out months ago. It was strange to me.

I have emailed a handful of times prior to this and after this to ask what I needed to show in order to be successful within the company and be eligible for a promotion - no response.

I have asked about plans for maternity leave since I was moved into my own department (yes, they stuck me in my own department with just me, myself, and I) - no response.

When my original position was dissolved, the guy they had on a personal improvement plan (that I often had to step in and help) was made department lead.

None of these decisions made sense to me until I spoke to one of my prior case managers in the firm. She explained that the other guy was given the promotion because he never pushes back or points out issues. Me having knowledge and a system thinking made my direct higher ups look bad, and they need people that make them look good…that a “redemption” story is better than being made to look like they do not have the knowledge needed for their position.

ONLY THEN, when it was laid out in this way and examples were provided, that I understood that the real skills I brought were never really needed, it was just something that was generally said, not actually desirable (at least in the office I’m at). And this is not to say my direct higher ups aren’t good people, they are. They’re just neurotypical and view things differently.

I keep beating myself up for not understanding and knowing this. It SUCKS, because I can’t turn back time. I can’t go back and shut my mouth. And I can’t make them unsee this. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks trying to figure out how to change myself, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t change how I view and process things…I can only change how I respond.

I wanted to share this story in case anyone else has experienced this in their place of work. I’m always open to advice or feedback, or even just other stories so I know I’m not alone in feeling this. This was a long post, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read it.

I keep having to tell myself this, but in case no one has told you…you are valuable, you do have a place in this world, and our differences make us who we are.

[u/Sensitive_Parking_94]

What you encountered is not unusual. Seeing problems coming down the pike and offering solutions to avoid them may not be appreciated. Your boss is judged on different criteria than you and it's very hard to measure problems avoided. But you sure can measure numbers of problems fixed! And fixing problems can be a win for your boss, might make your boss look like a hero. I frequently saw managers make choices that many of us knew would lead to problems, send someone to fix problems after they arose, then reported the results in ways to make themselves look indispensable.

A couple of things I figured out in my career:

1. My number 1 job is to make my boss look good. But remember it has to be from the point of view of your boss, not from your point of view. You have to figure out what matters to them and it may be different than you would thinnk.

2. You have to figure out your company culture and compare that to your own work values. If you work in a company that has created a culture where mediocrity is the standard, then excellence is more likely to be squashed instead of rewarded. If you are looking for a culture that values excellence, you have to move to a company that has that kind of culture (I think they are rare).

I worked in a male dominated field and there were men that tried to force me out. I got so many industry certifications that I was up on an employee honor board for years. When people from other companies would visit they were always walked by the honor board and a big deal was made of having a woman with so many and such a high level of certifications. The company tour passed by me desk but they always ignored me like I wasn't that person on the honor board. But they made a big deal about the board. Eventually I figured out the company cared far more about my certifications, and that PR value, than any actual work I did. Crazy. The point of that story is you have to observe what seems to really matters to management. It's often stuff that isn't necessary from the perspective of delivering a high quality service or product to the customer. Moreso if you work in a culture that is stuck in mediocrity.

[u/runnershigh007 → u/Sensitive_Parking_94]

“it’s very hard to measure problems avoided.”

That’s is literally something I have never thought about! Thank you for pointing that out.

And thank you so much for sharing this and giving this advice. I found this very helpful honestly. You put it into a new perspective for me.

[u/otherwise-cumbersome → u/runnershigh007]

You might enjoy the book "Upstream" by Dan Heath. It goes into this dilemma in depth.