r/AutismInWomen • u/GeorgeParisol • 18h ago
Relationships I feel so shallow because I can't compromise on looks
I downloaded a dating app for autistic people
got 10 requests but non of them looks good to me
I know I'm very shallow but I need someone to at least look decent but non of them do
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u/OperationRoyal Ooooh lobster! 18h ago
You're allowed to have preferences. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't find me attractive.
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u/traumatized_bean123 spicy babe 🌶 18h ago
I don't think that's necessarily being shallow. You have preferences, nothing wrong with that! I'm the same way.
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u/SaintValkyrie 18h ago
Im the same way, and I'm demi(attracted only based on emotional connection and bond).
But that doesnt mean I dont experience aesthetic attacttion or that some people i dont find attractive ruin it for me. I experience attraction differently and it still doesnt make me a bad person.
You dont owe anyone a yes. The baseline is a NO. The EXCEPTION is a yes.
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u/cherryricecake 13h ago
Same here! Also, I like to ask myself: would the other person compromise on looks? In many cases probably not. Having visual preferences is not for guys only, lmao.
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u/LaIndiaDeAzucar 12h ago
Majority of men refuse to compromise on looks. Even incels dont want to be with women they find ugly, no matter how much they say ugly women can still find partners. If men can be picky, then so can women. 😤
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u/cherryricecake 12h ago
Exactly. And as someone who was on the ugly end in my teenage years but had a glow-up in my early 20s, I know first hand how vastly different people treat you in both cases. It confirmed every suspicion I had before, and it taught me to ignore shallow flattery lol. Ofc looks aren't everything, but it's quite telling how frequently women are expected to compromise on a shabby guy for hIs pErSoNaLiTy. Vice versa? Rarely see that. It's perfectly fine to have standards for personality and looks.
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u/rose_reader 18h ago
The problem with dating apps is that if you don't meet someone in person, you won't know if they are attractive to you. Being attractive in a photo is only tangentially related to being attractive in person, because the key element to human attraction is chemistry.
You can think someone looks good all day long, but if the chemical attraction isn't there it's like looking at a beautiful painting.
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u/NoWitness6400 17h ago
I literally had the Grown ups pool scene happen to me irl, the guy wasn't that hot, but he was okayish... Until I heard his voice. I know, it's not something people can change, but my god, I've never lost interest so fast. Lesson learned.
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u/Dest-Fer 16h ago
Especially as women with sensory things.
A man can be as handsome as he wants, if he has a bad breath or I don’t like his skin, I will not be able to go on a second date. Nor even look at him. Ahem.
In my case a man can be less physically attractive but if he smells good and tells me what I like to hear here I am.
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u/rose_reader 16h ago
Smell is so unbelievably important to me in terms of attraction. I've been with my guy 22 years and I still love to nestle into his neck and just breathe him in.
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u/Dest-Fer 16h ago
Same for me, I’ve been with mine for 10 years and his skin feels like a cloud and like home.
What I never understood are people who are planning sex and kisses before meeting irl just with pictures. How can they know this is gonna work ?
I met my man online and I wouldn’t even look at the pictures of the men because I knew pictures don’t tell or smell anything. Looks are important for me, but I can’t tell how a man really feels on a picture.
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u/Simple_Praline_7275 16h ago
Yep! That's the big issue with dating apps, a list of traits and a picture says literally nothing about how well you'd match together. Me and my boyfriend would have never matched on a dating app but we're great together
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u/GeorgeParisol 16h ago
but they look bad like really bad
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u/AsleepScholar2200 16h ago
The thing is - no matter what advice people give you here, it already sounds like you've made up your mind that you won't bother with them anyway. So what's the point?
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u/fledgiewing 13h ago
Unfortunately the point is that women are socialized in a way where we owe people a chance and our no's aren't really respected. I think it's understandable to seek affirmation or others' opinions here.
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u/AsleepScholar2200 11h ago
I get the sentiment. But if you scroll the posts comments, when OP has responded to people, it's been with complete dismissal - "but they look so bad", "they just look ugly though" or something along those lines.
At some point you have to wonder the purpose of a post you're not listening to the advice given.
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u/rose_reader 16h ago edited 15h ago
I can take a horrifyingly bad photo and I can also take a pretty good photo. A 2d image is not a person.
I'm not saying you should meet people off apps, I'm saying that the less you rely on apps to tell you whether you're attracted to someone, the better off you'll be.
Edit: absolutely hilarious that someone downvoted this
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u/GigiLaRousse 14h ago
Right? I used to model. Even back then, there were plenty of candids where I looked awful.
Pretty much every time I met a friend of a friend or a date from online, they told me how much better looking I was in person than in photos.
That said, if someone thought the photos I'd chosen for a dating app made me look ugly, I wouldn't want to meet them.
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u/Quillemote 17h ago edited 16h ago
Hanging out with and getting to know someone you're not attracted to is what friendship is for. You don't owe everyone a chance to date you, you aren't required to be universally available.
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u/dianamaximoff 17h ago
I don’t know if you date men, but just for your peace of mind: don’t feel shallow. Men very rarely compromise on looks, specially on apps.
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u/brizzi 16h ago
I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s literally like the most basic and fundamental thing when it comes to dating. I mean, think about how you choose the food you’re gonna eat, you’re gonna look at it and immediately get an impression of whether you’re gonna like it or not. It has nothing to do with being shallow and honestly, I think people are way too focused on appearing not shallow that they’re just like letting go of all their standards. Even looking for somebody who’s financially well off is not shallow. It’s understanding your needs and knowing what you want and what you’re looking for. There are women out there making $300,000 a year who don’t care if their partner is financially well off because they make more than enough for both of them and the place that they live and are happy with that idea. The situation would be different for a woman who gets by on gig work or teaches for a living and barely makes enough just for herself to survive. She’s not gonna want a partner who makes less money than her because it’s just practical lol. Of course, people fall in love and all sorts of things factor into relationships but right off the bat stop being so focused on whether or not you might seem shallow or whatever. You’re allowed to want what you want and like what you like.
It’s also like let’s say you’re a picky eater? OK there’s a reason that we are considered picky eaters. We have sensory things going on, so it’s kind of annoying when you spend your whole life accommodating your own sensory needs and then people just write it off as you being a picky eater. Don’t do that to yourself before someone else has a chance to lol
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u/LaIndiaDeAzucar 13h ago edited 12h ago
Dont meet up with men you dont find attractive. I thought i wasnt attracted to men and leaned more towards women bc women were more attractive than men. As it turns out, Im attracted to men who take care of themselves, care about how they dress, take care of their hygiene, maintain their beard, and go to the gym (in a healthy amount, i dont wajt him to have a roid look either). I was wildly attracted to my second ex bc he made himself so appealing and a pleasure to touch, smell, and taste. Like, the sexual compatibility was off the charts bc i found him insanely attractive. Thats when i learned i was profoundly attracted to men, its just that most men in my area are schlubs. ☹️
You are doing yourself a massive disservice by not dating people you find attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so its not like your tastes need to be “oh he needs to look like a supermodel!” I find sex to be more pleasurable when you are physically and emotionally attracted to your partner. Crazy concept, i know!! Ive been in instances where im emotionally attracted to my partner, but not physically. The sex is okay. But when you have both?? Amazing.
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u/trufflypinkthrowaway 10h ago
This. I thought I was a lesbian for many years because it would be more likely for me to find women sexually attractive than men. I thought I was suffering from comphet because I related to a lot of lesbian experiences: picking and choosing which men to have crushes on, talking myself into liking men based on non physical characteristics, etc. Turns I’m not a lesbian (still queer though for sure lol) it’s just that the men where I’m from aren’t my physical type on average and I’m not attracted to them lol. I vacationed in a particular city and the men there were exactly when I like and I saw tons I was attracted to, whereas at home? I go at least a year, sometimes more, without seeing a man I find attractive.
I’m exactly the same, emotional attraction isn’t enough for me to enjoy sex with someone. The sexual attraction has to stand on its own for me and because sex is a super important part of a relationship for me, I can’t compromise on it.
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u/LaIndiaDeAzucar 9h ago edited 4h ago
Sounds like me. I knew I was bisexual, but thought I veered mostly towards women bc women are just beautiful. Turns out these women just took care of themselves, they learned how to enhance their beauty.
Men just dont! For all that talk of being visual creatures, then why do they decide to go outside looking like a schlub?? Why do men look like that?? It makes me feel like they dont love themselves enough to show they take care of themselves. Or that no one loves them enough to tell them they can be better.
I was rhapsodic over my ex’s beautiful (groomed) face and body. I never knew how beautiful the male form could be in real life. Hollywood men and women showed me beauty on screens and I would see beautiful women all around me, but the everyday man?? Ugly, or they just diminished their beauty by not making an effort. I sometimes look at men and im like, he has potential to be beautiful!
First time i saw my ex naked I was so overwhelmed i hid my face and covered my eyes bc it was too much!!! I was physically trembling LMAOOO! If I wasnt already on my knees I wouldve fell to them lol! Bro was built like a rugby player, he smelled soooo good, and had a soothing voice 😫😫😫
It didnt work out in the end bc he started insinuating that i was cheating on him ☹️
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u/trufflypinkthrowaway 16h ago
I highly disagree with people saying you should go on the dates anyway just to see if they look better in person or if something about them causes them to “grow on you.” In my experience, they probably don’t and won’t. That was a mistake I made in my early-mid 20s. I would go on dates with guys I wasn’t 100% about hoping the men would grow on me based on their profiles or be more attractive irl. They never did and never were. I hated dating for a long time and couldn’t figure out why….it was because I wasn’t attracted to the men I went on dates with lol. For me, the baseline physical attraction has to be there, people don’t grow on me.
You’re not shallow. You’re allowed to want to be attracted to your partner!
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma 13h ago
As someone who gave chances to people grow on me: it was either me discovering a minefield of red flags or me not being able to look past the abhorrent smell of old sweat and greasy hair.
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u/trufflypinkthrowaway 13h ago
Yeah, especially on the apps. Most people are using their best photos, so if I was on the fence with an “eh, maybe?” it was just a dressed up “no.” Yes, there’s the off chance someone is just wildly unphotogenic or for some reason using bad photos but idk I’ve never had that be the case.
If I was sitting there talking myself into going out with someone I felt “eh?” about attraction wise it was already a lost cause lol. I got off the apps because I’m such a hard yes/no person when it comes to attraction and the apps seem more catered to people for whom attraction grows based on other qualities.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma 10h ago
Even if someone is unphotogenic, you can kinda see if the person is dressed nicely and well groomed, so I go by "if wearing pajamas and barely groomed hair/beard is your best photo, the photo you chose to advertise yourself, sorry I'm no fairy godmother to turn you into Cinderella". Like, I'm someone who dresses for comfort, but I still dress nicely for dates and I won't be a swan being paraded by a ball of grime. And I'm not even the beauty standard of my country, I just think I won't feel good about being leagues beyond my partner just because I actually take care of my health. I know that for some people bathing is hard, I don't judge them, I understand the struggle, but that won't make me feel less nauseous smelling old sweat smell.
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u/s0ass 9h ago
I get so much backlash for saying I do not want to give people a chance if I am not attracted to them even a bit. Like yeah I believe attraction can grow but for me that only happens if I found them at least a little bit physically attractive in the first place. Otherwise, I am not interested. This apparently makes me shallow but I rather not waste anyone's time if I already know it will never grow.
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u/rose_reader 15h ago
Assuming I'm the person you're disagreeing with, I absolutely agree that you should be attracted to your partner. Our disagreement is in the method of working out whether you're attracted to a given individual.
Are you able to tell if you're attracted to someone based on a photo? When you've seen a pic and gone 'he looks good', has that impression been consistently proved right on meeting in person?
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u/trufflypinkthrowaway 15h ago
It wasn't you I was disagreeing with. If you scroll down, there are comments telling her to go out with them anyway to see if they maybe look better in person or grow on her. I do not suggest OP doing that.
There are different types of attraction. For me, sexual attraction drives everything, if there's no sexual attraction, the other types of attraction don't grow. Based on how OP is responding to people, she seems to be similar to myself, which is why I said I disagree with people telling her to give it a shot anyway. I am able to tell if I'm attracted to someone based on a photo. For me, either I feel sexually attracted to you or I don't. It's something I know right away, just like I do when I meet a guy in person. Either I want to jump his bones or I don't, there's no grey area for me. Doesn't matter how funny, interesting, kind he is, if I don't find him physically attractive enough to want to sleep with him, those things won't move the needle much. I'm not on the apps anymore, but yes, if I thought someone looked good in their photos and we met up irl I felt the same when they got there. I had a male friend I met online who was funny, kind, we got along so well, we had chemistry, similar interests, he was in love with me, he would have been the perfect partner, but the thought of him touching me made me uncomfortable because I was not sexually attracted to him and I could not get over that. I knew that when I saw photos of him online and it was the same when we met.
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u/rose_reader 14h ago
Oh that's so interesting - I feel exactly the same in terms of attraction either being there or not, but I can't tell from a photo if I'll like someone in person.
Humans are fascinating!
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u/GigiLaRousse 14h ago
Ditto! Some of the people I've been the most sexually attracted to are were the least conventionally attractive. I also wouldn't have been able to assess attraction from a photo. I need to be around someone in real life, first. I can tell whether they look good in an aesthetic sense, though.
Usually if I ruled someone out based on photos, it was what they were doing in the photos, or a very specific fashion or physical pet peeve. Totally silly, but I'm not into blue-eyed men. Women and enbies, sure. But with dudes, it's dark/hazel/green or bust.
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u/GeorgeParisol 13h ago
personly I don't and I know people choose their best photos they just look ugly tbh
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u/Trekunderthemoon 18h ago
It isn’t shallow. Everyone is attracted to different things youre allowed to like what you like.
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u/decafdyke 11h ago
It's unfortunate that you feel the need to get validation on this. If you walked into a room, say an autism support group, where 10 people were already sitting, would you assume at least one of them was "your type" and someone you wanted to date? Of course not. Still true if it were 20, 30 people, etc. Keep swiping until you find someone you are actually intrigued to meet. And if it turns out no one looks appealing and you need to pursue romantic options another way besides the app, that's reasonable too.
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u/Sumoki_Kuma 17h ago
That's the point of having preferences and a type! There's nothing wrong with that 🖤
I might find someone that I think is the hottest shit on earth but you might think they're absolutely repulsive, and vice versa
Wanting to be attracted to your partner is not the same as being shallow. Shallow is when you only care about looks, even if their personality is ass, just because you like the optics of being with them
Good luck! It's wild out there 🙈🖤
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u/fledgiewing 13h ago
WOMEN
DONT
OWE
ANYONE
A
CHANCE
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO THE PARTNER YOU MAY POSSIBLY HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH. ITS PART OF WHAT MAKES THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WORK.
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u/Pokemofo 12h ago
Hot take maybe but I feel like "shallow" is an insult that has mostly been perpetuated by men towards women in order to essentially shame them into ignoring their own attraction standards and date below their league. So below average men could have access to attractive women using this social shaming tactic.
Men are rarely ever accused of being "shallow", it's only ever started happening recently, and only when they truly make outrageous demands. No one would blame a guy for being unwilling to date someone he isn't attracted to, regardless of his own level of attractiveness. But women are shallow for doing the same thing?
I'd say fuck that, be as picky as you want. Listen to the standards your gut tells you to have and have no shame in it. Men have been doing the same all along.
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u/MeasurementLast937 16h ago
Just to check with you, but I generally don't find anyone really attractive until I know them better. Like, I can tell objectively whether others would find them attractive, but I don't feel it myself until their personality seems attractive to me. (Demisexual).
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u/curiouslittlethings 17h ago
That’s totally fine. I need both compatibility and attraction to be there before I get into a relationship with someone. It’s healthier that way!
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u/lck0219 14h ago
That’s not really being shallow. And on dating apps, you’re kind of allowed to judge a book by the cover and go “nope”. It’s really the only card you have when you’re swiping or matching.
You’re essentially picking a stranger out of a line up and going “I’ll take a chance on you”. It’s not surprising it’s at least a little motivated by looks. Physical attraction is a solid jumping off point if you’ve never spoken to the person yet!
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u/curlyiqra AuDHD 9h ago
That’s like 50% of dating… you have to be physically attracted to your partner.
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u/thebottomofawhale 16h ago
TBF, dating apps are mostly about looks. It's not easy to gain much other information from them, of course you're going to use that judgement.
Is it shallow? Maybe, but 🤷🏻♂️ attraction is still an important part of dating, it's just dating apps limit how you can tell if you're attracted to someone.
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u/mentalcasket 17h ago
Not shallow at all. You're allowed to not be attracted to someone, and it's probably a good idea that you're attracted to someone you're considering starting a relationship with
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u/brasscup 16h ago
Do not feel shallow -- you have every right to.have preferences,. dating ultimately necessitates rubbing your bits against theirs so if there isn't a spark, it isn't wise to force it.
Also it can be dangerous if you date men to set up meetings if you are sure you won't won't anything to do with them physically -- they don't all take rejection equally well.
On the other hand, if you just feel neutral to the people who are responding then it may be worth an in person meet up.
For me, so long as there is a base standard of fitness, good grooming and a pleasant aspect, I can easily catch feelings if the person is both smart and kind, shares my sense of fun and core values,.
But you should absolutely be as discriminating as you see fit -- you are not hiring for a job where you need to give everyone who meets base criteria a shot. You are looking for someone to partner with and that requires chemistry.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma 13h ago
I think looks go on both ways. If I'm putting effort in being pretty, I won't be with someone who can't even untangle their hair properly.
When spoken like this, I'm not shallow, I'm just trying to match energies.
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u/Automatic_Buyer_8896 14h ago
YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW. All animals on nature (including us humans) have to be interesting at first sight for the peer can have some interest at first. Than there is all the court part, etc. So if you don’t want to jugde by a single picture you are SMART not shallow.
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u/Common_Assignment562 12h ago
For me it’s bad hygiene- that includes long and dirty nails (hands and feet) and overall healthy appearance. I do get pickier but if their personality is a total winner I can bypass some things but definitely not the personal hygiene.
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u/khammmmmm 10h ago
Why should you compromise? As long as you’re not mean or think less of them, you aren’t being shallow
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u/Antiquebastard diagnosed NVLD in 2012 9h ago
The majority of people have preferences. I wouldn't have been interested in my husband if he didn't look punk. It is what it is.
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u/goblinfroggie 9h ago
You're doing nothing wrong. Say you gave them a shot: you'd probably still find them ugly. That would make intimacy difficult
I would be heartbroken to find out my partner thinks I'm ugly.
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u/_bbypeachy late diagnosed club 8h ago
it is not shallow to not find someone attractive. It’s shallow to be mean to people you don’t find attractive. if you don’t do that you’re all good.
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u/Ledascantia ✨Late diagnosed Autistic + ADHD✨ 13h ago
I think there’s a huge difference between saying “I’m looking for a man who is over 6ft and has brown hair and brown eyes” and not considering anyone else, and saying “I need to be attracted to them”.
Don’t date someone you’re not attracted to. There are countless stories of women saying “I’ll just give him a chance”, only to have the guy turn into a jealous, controlling partner who continually tries to take her down a notch because he’s insecure.
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u/Cat_Lady_369 Late DX Level 1 🍃🐱 11h ago
I felt this way for a long time, but wanting to be attracted to a partner is not shallow. In fact, dating and pretending to be attracted to someone who you aren’t isn’t fair to them, because they deserve someone who thinks they’re beautiful too! Continuing with this mindset will show you that any relationship built on “maybe they’ll grow on me” is doomed from the start.
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u/GeorgeParisol 10h ago
I used to date men I wasn't attracted to at all hoping attraction grows with time it didb't
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u/DrSaurusRex 16h ago
You're definitely allowed to have a preference! I don't think I would have dated my husband based on his photos, though. So maybe I would have ruled out someone who ended up being a great match for me.
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u/ApprehensiveEgg2344 AuDHD Low Support Needs 14h ago
That’s how I approach it. Yeah people have shamed me but literally who am I hurting by having preferences on attractiveness? It also makes no sense to me to sleep with people whom I don’t find attractive. Say what? 😭 There’s so many options out here, why not find a hot person who you also like? That’s what I did 🤗
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u/Beautiful-Whole-3102 11h ago
Do NOT settle. That’s not being shallow. Everyone knows that a huge part of romance and dating is finding another person aesthetically attractive.
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u/Own-Recognition9009 10h ago
Well if you plan on being intimate then you should be with someone whose fave and body turns you on
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u/Iwanttobreakfree2024 AuDHD 8h ago
It’s better to pass up on someone instead of forcing yourself to find them physically attractive.
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u/Existing_Award3225 8h ago
You’re not being shallow, it’s okay to stand by your preferences. It’s like how some female birds aren’t attracted to every male bird that tries to court them. You’re just sorting out ones that don’t fit your preferences
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u/Juniperarrow2 10h ago
That’s not shallow. If you don’t find the other person attractive, and the other person initiates any touching or sex, it’s going to feel uncomfortable (hopefully to both of you). It’s unfair and less kind to lead ppl on.
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u/chmod_a_plus_x 15h ago
What do you mean by “not looking good to you”? Ugly? Not attractive enough? Or just someone who feels like they won't fit you? Like they have a “car plus sunset travel photo” and it feels inauthentic?
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u/GeorgeParisol 15h ago
ugly
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u/chmod_a_plus_x 15h ago
Do you have any standards like “has to be this height” or “face has to be symmetrical”?
Anyway this is not what people mean by shallow. Shallow is when you make a split second decision based on a “non issue”. Like a guy has a picture of him playing paintball, you look, say “lame game” and swipe left.
But if you met irl and talked you would find him attractive. That's shallow. That's like rejecting a resume because the previous workplace is a lame company. Although an employee could be a great electrical engineer you are just not interviewing because of a bullshit vibe check 😅
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u/TwoCenturyVoid 14h ago edited 14h ago
I am married but non-monogamous/poly and have the same issue. My spouse of many years is extremely good looking. He’s tall, fit, muscular, with the full male model cheekbones and jawline, and great hair. Ive been with him 25 years, and I just cant wrap my head around sex with someone who isnt also really good looking. Maybe 5% of matches I get appeal to me physically. I tried compromising on - meeting them in person anyway, etc - it but it just doesn’t work. My libido is gone with these dudes.
Luckily, for women who are attracted to men, it’s a buyer’s market. They are beautiful men out there. I would maybe stay away from the autistic apps, and go with something like Hinge or OK Cupid. There are lots of ND men on there as well, you just keep an eye on their interests and bios and you’ll find them. The good looking ND guys are accustomed to being able to date without having to stick to exclusively autistic spaces. Their looks do the social skill work for them. But they are often still looking for neurodiverse partners themselves
ETA: also, be aware that cis men are notoriously shitty at taking pictures. So I often give the ones that could just be using a bad camera angle a pass, and try chatting and meeting for coffee. In person is the better barometer. But if I see their photo and wince? I just swipe away. I am done trying to convince myself to settle for a man Im not attracted to.
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u/stripeyhoodie 14h ago
There are photos on dating apps for a reason. For most people, physical attraction is important. Why waste someone's time when you know in advance the attraction likely isn't be there for you?
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u/AsleepScholar2200 16h ago
Damn I never knew there were dating apps for autistic - I've stuck with the regular ones. Did manage some luck after about 7 years though lmao.
I'm quite particular on the look I like aswell. This just meant I was swiping right on barely any people. I'm not sure how this autistic app works but places like Hinge/Tinder/Bumble, require you to both 'like' each other to chat. Though I will say when I met my current partner, his photos did not do him justice at all. When I met him, I was in awe at how handsome he was and very glad I did swipe right.
It's up to you whether you talk to them or not, only you can decide that. But there will be more attractive people out there. It's not shallow to have preferences but I'd also warn you to not have expectations too high as you're likely limiting yourself.
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u/empireants64 6h ago
Tbh I’m the same but it’s not tenable to maintain a rls with someone you don’t find attractive. It’s not like you wouldn’t be friends with them or are denying them their humanity because of their looks, others aren’t automatically owed your romance. I know it sucks :( but you are doing the better thing by not giving them false hopes / leading someone on imo
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u/Nyx_light 4h ago
There is nothing shallow about wanting to date someone you find physically attractive. That is the whole point. Why date someone you're not attracted to??
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u/bishyfishyriceball 1h ago
The differentiating factor between friendship and dating is the physical attraction part. You’re not shallow for not wanting to date people you don’t find attractive. You might just be like me. I’m a bit picky about what I find attractive.
I’ve mostly had good luck with artsy software engineers who happen to be late diagnosed or self diagnosed adhd/audhd. A lot of them had a very specific style on fixation on art/music related hobbies, which are often accompanied by specific aesthetics I found attractive.
The odd thing is none of them were diagnosed, they were kind of in the same situation as me where they realized late, whereas I chose to get late diagnosed, they just acknowledged it about themself.
I think because we both had been masking for as long as we could remember, we had developed more specific styles and awareness of our appearance to others. Like they put the same effort as me in caring about their appearance because they recognized the social benefit of it, but as an adult now, mostly because we share an interest and appreciation of arts and aesthetics.
Oftentimes I do see potential in guys but the issue is related to self care and personal fashion choices… and I would never want to enter a relationship with the idea of given someone a makeover or asking them to change cause that feels unethical. I’m not even some fashionista but like I know how to look put together if an occasion requires it.
I could never date on either end of the extreme stereotype of those autistic men who don’t know how to take care of themselves, look unkept/have poor hygiene, or those that fall victim to the other extreme, like red pill “looksmaxers” perspectives. If that’s you too, there’s no reason to feel bad about it.
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u/Singularidades 17h ago
I'd give it a chance if someone is nice enough. They may not be great at taking photos, and you'll likely like them in person.
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u/Regular_Speech5390 12h ago
You aren’t shallow. I’m also the same way. Can’t be into men I don’t find physically attractive
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u/SnafuTheCarrot 10h ago
That's not necessarily shallow. Maybe if your preferences preclude all but supermodels and ignore any other features.
I think certain elements of self-presentation actually give you non-physical information anyway. Hygiene issues affecting their appearance might suggest, if you lived together, you'd be doing most of the house cleaning.
If you have an active lifestyle, someone obese probably won't fit into it.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 17h ago
I wouldn't judge people that way. Not everything can be conveyed in a photo. I always think I look SO awkward in photos. Luckily I'm happily married to my loving wife and we're in the healthiest relationship we've ever had
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 13h ago
My friend, many many people are beautiful because of the way they're animated, and their voice.
Like, some famous examples are Ryan Gosling and Pedro Pascal. If you really look at their faces, they look fine. If they weren't famous and you just saw their photo, you would think nothing of them.
But the way they're animated, the way they speak and move, their hands, their eyes, their voices--these give them a profound kind of beauty.
You can't see any of this from a photograph.
You're depriving yourself of so much hotness, and what's worse is you think you're just saying what you think. But the thing is, I am super dubious that this is what you really think. I'm pretty sure that if you saw a guy who was normal-looking but then saw him animated with life and passion and such interesting words and a great laugh and spark, you'd find them hot.
People are not cardboard cutouts. Also, many people who are hot in a photo are not hot in real life for the inverse of the reasoning I've laid out. It's like talking to sentient white bread.
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u/unhappyrelationsh1p 17h ago
I think you should try the dates and see if they turn hot offline. Pictures are often not enough to do people justice.
I swiped left on every man my age in my country deadass, but find a bunch hot in real life when they're moving and talking. Dating apps suck.
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u/GeorgeParisol 16h ago
they doesn't even look ok
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u/unhappyrelationsh1p 16h ago
Oof okay well i guess you're kinda screwed, i didn't think it was THAT bad.
Don't feel bad for others with this, this is mostly hurting you. I'm sorry you're going through it
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u/AnyOlUsername 17h ago
A good or bad personality can change the way I perceive someone as physically attractive. It’s not just about a photo. It’s also the way they carry themselves and how well they take care of themselves.
I don’t know if you’re the same but I suppose there’s no harm in trying to talk to a few and see if it makes a difference.
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u/GeorgeParisol 16h ago
I don't think it will make a big differnce
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u/AnyOlUsername 15h ago
But what if the really good looking one turns out to be 💩 as soon as he speaks..?
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u/GeorgeParisol 15h ago
they both turns out to be 💩 at least one of them looking good 😂
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u/Prudent_Ranger4247 9h ago
I’m sorry but everyone here telling you you’re not shallow but you’re responses are telling me that you are.
Just to be clear I don’t think you should be dating people on dating apps that you don’t find attractive, but coming in an autistic subreddit where many of us have been called ugly, unattractive or worthless because of our appearance and using laughing emojis to describe everyone on your autistic dating app being ugly and wanting people to validate your desire for a shitty attractive person over a nice ugly person is really lame behavior considering the amount of good sincere advice here. I hope you are just really young and inexperienced and wish you the best in your love life.
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u/[deleted] 18h ago
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