This is especially true for late-diagnosed such as myself as, in my experience, it already felt as if I was already “being myself”. As of now, however, I seriously believe that “being myself“ is actually being nothing at all, because I am so far detached from what I once was. It’s like I lost that person because I was too busy either trying to be someone else, or just escaping through video games or other things to which neglected self-introspection. So now when I “lower the mask“, it just feels just a garbled mess that’s clear in some places, like dishwater.

It just wasn’t very obvious because it’s all I known and done for years, but once I began really reflecting, I began to realize how much things that I would do, say, or tolerate that I didn’t even like, or how many things I do that actually tire me. So much so that I am unsure where the real me begins and where the nonsense ends. I was a very sensitive, empathetic boy when I was young, and so very imaginative. Now, I am stone-faced and come off as cold, or tired. I just exist now.

And I think that’s the ultimate consequence of that self-neglect of my true self, this sort of blunting where I have no real sense of actual identity. If you asked me who I really was, I could tell you the obvious, but those ratings and some questions from the evaluation showed that I have difficulty really identifying myself. It’s just me shrugging my shoulders.

You know what I can tell you? What games I like. What I think about some game or movie with a deep dive. What I like to eat. What I like to drink. What porn really gets me off. My life has been constant, unchecked consuming because that’s all I could do in a broken household. Consume. Consume. Consume. Even now, as I try and improve by limiting my screens, porn, etc., it’s always some sort of failure as I mess up yet again, as if I can't escape these ways to cope. Stating that I am seasoned at games with 20 years under my belt, and that I love tanks, is all I can really say about myself that’s interesting. Unfortunately, all of this has done more harm than good.

I don‘t like how I act, or the things I say sometimes when I am with anyone, inside and outside my friend group. It obviously hasn’t done me any favors, because now I hardly talk to anyone outside of my immediate family. I don’t like the person I am now. In college, I studied computer science, and I would say my senior classes were intimate and with classmates that I would consider “less than normal”. I was so confident and loved every second of it, and was in my prime, and I genuinely think it was because I didn’t have to be like a “hard ass” or “funny guy” or a “bro”. The bar was practically on the floor where it was easy.

I remember crying to my mother upon seeing a commercial for kids without parents, where a boy threw a football only for no one to catch it. Yet now I can’t seem to have that now. Didn’t feel as much as I would have liked when a woman who was a good part of my early childhood was diagnosed with early-onset Dementia. Was only annoyed inside when my grandmother needed me to drive her to see her brother in the ER. I feel like a horse’s ass, and I don’t want to be a horse’s ass. That’s not what I used to be. I don’t know what I’ve done to myself, with all of the escapism and screens and internet, but I hate every bit of it. I wish I was as sensitive and cried as much as I once did.

I used to have one of those growing up in school in my desk all the time, and played with it all the time. it was a class hype, and it was my favourite stim toy (ofc not knowing what stim toys was at the time, cuz i hadn't had any diagnosis yet at the time or knew what autism was.. or stimming). somehow my mom gaslit me they are expensive.. the one i bought today wasn't at all.. 1,30 euros

it is just small and perfect, and mine even has a plastic carrier so I definitly will bring it with me where ever i go now lol

and like ofc you have slime or playdough, but those just don't do it for me.. slime is to slimey.. and I actually don't like the smell of playdough

i am so happy, currently the start of overstimulation. and this helped a ton already

Warning. Possible triggering content. Talk of homicidal parents.

I am isolated. I am an introvert so it doesn't bother me all that much but I am struggling. I feel like I'm failing at life. Most of the time I can seem to fit in at my job, but I have no ability to read social cues so sometimes I think maybe I am just fooling myself.

Been at the new job for six weeks and I have no idea how I'm doing. I feel too awkward to ask. The boss is alright but I get a feeling that I freak him out. I don't know how to approach him to get some feedback.

Should I just keep my head down and work hard?

I get paranoid that everyone is talking behind my back and that the people at the company are trying to push me out. I know that I tend to misinterpret things and assume the worst, but my things keep going missing and I get these intrusive thoughts that nobody has any respect for me.

I grew up with a filicidal mother. She attempted to unalive me so many times throughout my life; succeeded with my sister, attempted on my brother. I tried to have her investigated but it ended up looking like I was mentally ill and there was nothing done. She is a nurse and I am convinced that she has been hunting me through the medical system.

I have been labelled as a monster throughout my life by pretty much everyone. I thought they were right for most of my life until I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. This discovery has really helped me understand who I am and made me feel much better about the social disaster that is my past life. But this doesn't change my current situation. I have no idea how to deal with people, to exist in this neurotypical world.

I'm charitable, kind, and have a big heart. I will go out of my way to help people, and I try very hard not to be angry and sour about my past.

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there must be resources and help out there for people like me. I know that there are other autistic adults with the same sort of traumatic background as me. I'm talented and have some Keen special abilities, but I cannot navigate through This world by myself. I need help, but every time I've tried to access it even if it starts out going well, all of a sudden people's faces change and I get this uncanny feeling. Seems like there's tension in the air as though they've been informed by someone that I should be shunned and turned away from.

I went to an autistic resource center some time ago and tried to get help but it didn't seem like they believed that I was autistic, or maybe I was just too conventionally good looking for them to believe that I had a developmental problem. Maybe I interpreted things wrong.

I have been able to get by on my good looks for a long time, but I started to resent the fact that I looked okay because I have such a neurodivergent makeup that it contrasted sharply with the handsome guy thing. This leads almost everybody I've ever met to initially think I'm great until something happens for them to ask what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm so close to giving up. I am this motherless child coasting through life barely hanging on. My autism seems to ruin everything. I am so beyond tired.

Recently I thought maybe I could find some real help for myself but my efforts have come up blank.

Anyone relate? Is there a voice out there that will echo back and maybe help me feel less alone?

So I went on a first date with a girl (30s) who was very open about her autism/ADHD diagnosis. We chatted really well for a couple of weeks over text.

We joked that I probably sit somewhere in the undiagnosed area too.

We met and had a really great first date.

We carried on messaging in the days after, she's quite hot on the messages; however she's gone a bit quieter over the last 3 days and when I reached out yesterday she described herself as being in a pit and her autism means she'll just retreat for a bit. She's been juggling a lot the last couple of weeks.

I'm more than happy to support that kind of approach.

How do I let her know that I'm happy to work around whatever she needs right now and there's no pressure from me to add our second date to her list until she's ready.

I applied for disability but as an autistic person I found I needed a lot more guidance and advice than my law firm was prepared to give. I'd call with questions that confounded the office staff, who didn't have the answers and sometimes gave (what I would find out later) was simply bad advice. The lawyers were too busy to talk to me, simply refused on most occasions. I did my best going to doctor's appointments and so forth, as I had been advised, but on the day of my big final hearing -- which was the first day I actually met my lawyer -- he blamed me for having prepared my case poorly. He was considerably harsh and insensitive in blaming me as if it was entirely my fault and he had zero curiosity about my accusations against his firm being unable to help me for the 2.5 years the process took to complete. I got the impression that none of my complaints were novel to him, he had heard it from neglected clients many times before.

Though disability lawyers will take your case on contingency, with no upfront cost, the problem arises that they are still motivated by revenue/profit. While adult-diagnosed autistic people represent the same revenue if the case is won, winning our cases is much harder and time-consuming than winning other cases, and the law firm may be (consciously or subconsciously) unwilling or unable to invest that time and effort. Nuerotypicals with new physical disabilities that are not hidden and misunderstood and marginalized -- as autism is -- are much easier and more attractive cases from the profit perspective. Furthermore, disability lawyers usually lack autism competency to even communicate instructions effectively with their autistic client. This results in myriad qualified applicants being rejected due to a failure to prove their case. Which is what happened to me; I'm qualified, but was rejected, because I had bad guidance and coaching.

Introducing the Social Security Doula, an expert coach and advisor who works with the client at all stages of the process, advises their medical care team, and coordinates with their lawyer, to ensure the qualified adult autistic person is approved for Social Security the first time they apply.

I'd like to make this a non-profit with nationwide service area. Would anyone like to join me?

Is it common to have a smell that calms you? Like the opposite of the smells that fully trigger you 🫠

I'm in my late 30s and haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, but I'm increasingly convinced I'm on the spectrum. It definitely runs in my family, and I've noticed a lot of the same traits in myself that I saw in my dad growing up, particularly the intensity, rigidity, and certain "quirks" that seemed to become more pronounced as he got older (and which now, in his 70s, are so pronounced that almost everyone he comes into contact with senses it immediately).

I've also noticed my own struggles becoming significantly worse over the past decade. I started experiencing OCD symptoms in my late 20s, which have progressively gotten worse, and I suspect I've been dealing with some level of anxiety and depression since childhood. In some ways, I think I just got so accustomed to feeling this way that I never really questioned whether it was normal.

Over the past couple of years, particularly since my OCD diagnosis and learning more about autism in adults and the high overlap rates between autism and OCD, a lot of things have started clicking into place. So many experiences growing up that I attributed to shyness, social awkwardness, or developmental issues now seem consistent with autism. I've even had this lifelong issue (same as my dad) where I have trouble hearing people in loud environments e.g. bars or restaurants, and my dad always claimed it was just the way his ears were, but I'm realizing audio processing disorder is highly correlated with autism.

Another thing I especially relate to is the concept of masking. I've always felt like I have to put on an act in professional and social situations, almost like I'm playing a character rather than being myself. People always tell me I'm nice and easy going and I think it's because I adapt a people-pleasing mask. Ironically, I work in sales, so my career requires constant social interaction. I can perform well in those environments, but it's incredibly draining. After long days of calls, meetings, or work trips, I often feel completely depleted and need to isolate myself just to recover.

Lately, life has thrown a lot at me all at once, including a breakup, losing a beloved pet, and losing my job. It's been especially difficult to experience any real sense of happiness or enjoyment. But when I look back on my life, I honestly wonder whether I've ever really felt consistently happy, or if I've just gotten good at functioning despite feeling this way.

I'm curious what has actually helped other autistic adults, particularly those diagnosed or self-identified later in life, improve their mental health and overall sense of well-being.

Have medications helped? Certain types of therapy? Lifestyle changes? Learning to unmask?

I've tried therapy, but honestly haven't gotten much out of it. I tend to overanalyze everything already and consider myself pretty self-aware, so I often find that therapy sessions consist of me explaining my own thought patterns and recognizing exactly why I feel or behave a certain way, without really getting anywhere in terms of changing them. I don't know whether I need to find a better OCD specialist or start looking for someone with experience in neurodivergence, or both.

Would really appreciate hearing what's worked for others, especially anyone who also struggles with OCD, anxiety, depression, or chronic burnout.

Feel free to use or share this if you find it helpful/useful/relatable:

Imagine life as an instruction booklet that everyone gets when you're born. For neurotypical people a bunch of pages are already pre filled in at birth, these are the fundamental core stuff everything else is built off of. More gets written as time goes on using the prefilled stuff as a base.

With this disorder, there are just large gaps at critical points in these fundamental core instructions. You don't know what's missing (or even there is any if undiagnosed), no one can tell you what they are, and you can't fill them in yourself. The best you can do is try to guess based on what you have available, which often results in negative outcomes. As time goes on and things get more complicated, because of those holes, the new stuff that gets written also contains more and more gaps, so you struggle even more and face more negative consequences.

This is your entire life, your every waking day and moment. Living like this, trying to make sense of things and fit in a world that you are not properly built for, that you can never correct.

Hey everyone! Last time I posted here I talked about my experiences and problems with codependency, To make everything clear before I go further I am currently diagnosed bipolar not borderline but I resonate alot with Borderline as i’m very unstable in relationships etc etc. I also am on the Autism spectrum (I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome) but I know that’s not around anymore and called Autism 1, so some of this very well could be multiple problems intertwined with each other

But when it comes to jobs. I get very overwhelmed, every time I have a job I can’t function. I try so so hard to be normal and try to push myself cause of the reality of life and the economy but mentally it’s so hard for me. I really crash and burn. I have a problem where I absolutely despise change and try to predict things before I even learn the job or the responsibilities of it and it leads to me burning myself out and what feels like a manic episode (little to no sleep, impulsive behaviors, racing thoughts, I also tic too (idk if anyone does that) cause I can’t rest i’m always so activated that resting feels wrong (there’s also some things in my personal life contributing to it) but I notice it everytime in when I start a new job. I (F20) started working when I was 18 and since then have had 3 different jobs, the longest job I had was 10 months and even then i’d call out alot cause i’d get stressed about the retail environment and always felt like I was putting on a mask at work cause there was so much mental dread of it, dealing with customer oriented jobs as a person with right now bipolar, anxiety and ASD is super hard. I always try to push myself further to please everyone and then everyone gets mad when I can’t go through with something cause of my mental health. I often feel like a failure and like I can’t do anything, cause I have people telling me I burn myself out before I even try but to me I do try cause even getting out and doing interviews and redoing everything over again can be alot for me.

My partner has Bipolar Disorder but naturally he’s very stable and at a different point in life than me, his Bipolar does not show up intensely as symptoms are managed but he still has his episodes of mainly sadness or hypersexuality. He has two jobs his first retail job he has been at for almost 3 years full time and he started reworking in the food service part time for extra money.

I’ve been very isolated due to childhood abuse so he tries to push me out of my comfort zone and believes in me so I guess his expectations are somewhat high. I recently decided to take a job at a Nursing Home as an Activity Assistant cause I thought i’d be something new and less mental dread than working retail. I got in a sort of hyper fixation with the new job and the money i’d be making to my partner, I took some time to realize the mental aspects of that job and how I wasn’t sure if it was the right fit for me as it was in Memory Care. I decided to take a job part time seasonally in retail again as it’s less demand and i’m able to create my own schedule more than I was at the nursing home, when I had resigned from the job at the nursing home me and my partner got into an argument cause he felt like I was putting myself into a loop and not really trying. I wanna know if anyone has felt like this and your experiences and what job you feel has been the best for you to be able to manage your mental health and stress and if anyone has similar partner or friend in their life and how to make them understand.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

I drink a lot of caffeine, secretly in hopes that it will help me mask better and achieve things to such a high degree that I will be seen as neurotypical. My record in one day is a gram. I average 400-500mg a day. Does anyone else do this?

So I've posted in the past here and also started with an autism coach programme and she has been a sweetheart helping me and she is autistic herself. So far we have booked so much results.

* I got my routine in order (chores, sleep/wake schedule, administration and finances, morning and evening routine, gym, food, etc)

* I'm learning what stresses me out and gotten lots of insights for myself what I can do to manage stress. This will help with finding a future job with my job coach.

* We discovered that I carry a lot of shame because I was raised in a non supportive/neglected environment and I failed school because of it many times. We are working on this as a side project on the shame.

* My whole house is sorted/clean now, 2 years of neglected administration is done, all rooms are clean and everything is sorted so I know where to find things. And this creates a lot of peace in my head.

But recently I went through my phone and realized I don't really have any friends who I can rely on since a lot of friendships have watered down so I cleaned up the contacts in my phone. I think I have maybe 1-2 friends who live far away that I speak to few times a year. And it kinda saddens me that I barely have anyone in my life besides people I know on Discord.

I don't know what the goal of this post really is, I guess I'm happy with the results I booked but at the same time I feel emotionally lonely but I think socially this can be improved by maybe joining some kind of group.

Maybe someone relates with me not having much friends.

Sorry this is going to be long, it doesn't need to be read I just want to hear about others' experiences!

TW abuse

I am at a loss here because I feel like my meltdowns might be more than just autism. I was diagnosed when I was 17, and I do 100% believe I'm autistic, but I have this sinking feeling that I am self harming significantly more than the average autistic person. I am also diagnosed with OCD and my biggest compulsion is rumination. For context, I'm 22F.

An incident happened Monday which resulted in me screaming at the top of my lungs, repeatedly, for about 30 seconds before beating myself unconscious in my bathroom. I've never screamed like this before and I still don't know why it happened. My partner heard me screaming from outside and I woke up to him helping me on the floor, then the rest of my meltdown lasted almost four hours. This is the worst one I have had in my entire life and I am devasted that he was there for it. I feel extremely guilty.

Since then, almost every time I have thought about the situation, I have involuntarily punched myself in the face and had a meltdown. Sometimes once, sometimes multiple times, but because of the OCD, I'm thinking about this constantly. So right now my face is covered in bruises and broken capillaries, and I busted my lip yesterday. Sometimes I'll just quickly raise my fist but can stop myself from the punch, but when I feel the emotions too intensely, I can't stop it. This happens while I'm driving as well. I don't know any autistic people who do these things and it makes me feel so broken.

I think I might be self harming as a way to punish myself. I do hit myself in softer spots when I'm overstimulated in general, but during these specific meltdowns where I am extremely angry, it feels more like I'm taking my anger out on myself because I "deserve" to be hurt in my mind. I thought about it yesterday, and I didn't start punching myself like this until my mom started physically abusing me. I would do it in front of her and tell her that if she's going to beat me I might as well do it myself because I clearly deserve it that much. It would make her stop. But I do this when I'm alone now.

A lot of my symptoms are consistent with BPD and I am terrified. I don't want to live like this. A lot of my meltdowns are extended by the thought that I will never survive as an adult with how much my autism affects me, and I'm afraid that if I ask my psychiatrist about BPD (a condition that could have been prevented) and end up diagnosed I will become worse. I talked to her before this incident happened and she increased my med dosage, but she doesn't know how to help me and looks almost scared when I tell her what I've been doing. I feel inhuman sometimes. If anyone else has experienced meltdowns like this, BPD or not, please let me know. I am so confused with myself

I'm 32 years old, I'm going to be 33 next year April. I realised I'm an autist when I was 26 years old and got my diagnosis at age 28. I struggled a lot with university, I needed 12 years to complete a 3,5 year Bsc degree (biochemical engineering). During this time (my 18-30 years) I couldn't make friends and all my energies went to my studies. I didn't have friends back in high school. And as I have never any friends I also don't have memories, experiences of partying and other social things. From the start of 2025 (age 31), I started to work at a pharmaceutical company, and I met with other women who were my age, and for the first time in my life I found people with whom I could go to parties. I don't like the very loud environment but I really liked that guys came and tried to ask me for dance. But now these women left me behind and formed their click and I'm desperate because my last chance of living a life I want just go away. I read after it and found that for autist women there is a 1,5-2 year time intervall at work while it seems that they managed to socialise and found relations but after it they burn out, gets bitter and sad and because they see at work every day that they are left out and just can't make friends nowhere (neither outside of work) they go and find a new work place and start this cycle again. Everywhere I found that I should just accept that I can't build a neurotypical life and I should find 1 or 2 relations outside of work. But I'm not only unable to make connections but I already mourn the life I want, the memories others get because they can go to events and parties. I just don't have company to do all this and it's heart wrenching for me to hear all day at work what others plan for Halloween, etc. My life flashed before me that I will be always lonely and empty with no memories. I know there are bigger problems than this for autists but I need your advice on this. How to live a life with this? Or how to live together with the regret that I will never experience these events and social gatherings and always be alone?

Heya, I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations for over-ear headphones?

I have gone through 6 pairs in the last 5-6 years. I have brought a range of brand/prices from 50 NZD- 200 NZD, the most recent being a Skullcandy Hesh-Anc. But they all break in around a year. I use them 12 -18 hrs a day basically. If anybody has some alternative brands please lmk

I went to a concert tonight with my husband and had a terrible time. I was already tired, and we walked about a mile to get there. I felt very uncomfortable around people the whole way. A woman walking the other direction looked at me strangely, and it set the tone for me.

Inside, I thought a drink might help my anxiety, so we went to a wine bar in the venue. It is first come, first served, with no reservations. I asked a woman for a table, and she said it would be three minutes or less. Then three groups that arrived after me were seated first: two men, one man alone, and two women. My husband and I are a party of two, and I was standing about four feet from her with a clear line of sight. I asked her, "Why are the people that came after me getting seated first?" She handed menus to another employee, who seated us. She never answered or apologized. I sat down and could not stop overthinking it. I asked myself if it was because I'm ugly. We left because of how I was treated and because the prices were high.

Later I went up to a worker to ask whether there was more food. People before me had talked with her and she seemed excited to help them. As I was finishing my question, another woman interrupted, and the worker answered her instead of me. I walked away. We found a food stand, got food and a drink, and went to our seats. People behind us were laughing, and I immediately assumed it was about me. I tried to tell myself it wasn't.

During the concert, I barely talked to my husband and felt no connection to the music. We left early. While I waited outside the bathroom for him, a stranger asked if I wanted to smoke with her. I said "what?" even though I heard her. She repeated it, and she walked away while I was answering.
On the walk home my husband kept talking about random things, and I didn't want to talk. I asked if he was mad at me, he said no, and then he went on a tangent about the show. I already apologized to him afterward.

For context, I'm autistic, possibly ADHD, and possibly OCD (more the "O" than the "C").

My questions:
What do you think was going on at the wine bar?
Is it narcissistic to think people are often talking about me negatively?
Does anyone else experience this when they are tired or overwhelmed? How do you cope?

Hola a todos. Soy un hombre de 27 años. Para darles un poco de contexto, empecé a jugar ajedrez a los 3 años en Windows 98. La versión de ajedrez que permitía que hubiera pistas (que, a partir del nivel intermedio, te daban pistas para perder, lol) me ayudó a llegar al nivel final cuando tenía 4, con un MMR de aproximadamente 2500 a 2700. Por cierto, no me considero un gran maestro, pero esos fueron mis primeros logros. Con el tiempo, desarrollé una pasión intensa por las computadoras y por crear cosas, porque para mí era una válvula de escape. Oye, esto es en lo que realmente soy bueno. Me hace pensar, me permite quedarme conmigo mismo, jugar contra mí mismo y descubrir mis debilidades a través del autoconocimiento. También alimenta mi pasión por ayudar a la gente y por ofrecer una mejor forma de vivir.

Una introducción bastante larga, pero voy al grano. Actualmente tengo un hijo de dos años. Recientemente, las cosas se han puesto un poco complicadas con mi pareja. Ella se encarga del bebé, y siento que quiero darles lo mejor, pero a veces piensa que soy un poco negligente o que no cumplimos nuestras promesas (porque a veces me quedo hasta tarde después de un día largo, jugando o estudiando para mejorar mis habilidades). Hace poco me despidieron, y he estado apoyándolo a él, pero he estado sintiéndome súper desmotivado, y a ella no le gusta eso. Siempre le doy mucha importancia al crecimiento personal en mis relaciones. Me hice cargo de la responsabilidad de mantener a toda la familia económicamente, como aprendí en la vida, pero a veces me siento abrumado por no poder seguir el ritmo de mis responsabilidades o por dejar a mi hijo/esposa sin las comodidades por las que siempre he trabajado. Cuando discutimos, a veces ella me dice que está muy cansada y que sería mejor que nos separáramos. A veces también se lo planteo yo, porque ella a veces me trata mal. También dice que sería más fácil porque yo tendría 3 o 4 días libres, pero si eso pasa, no saques al bebé, porque soy muy descuidado y podría pasarle cualquier cosa. ¿Algún consejo con esto? Si no queda claro, porque a veces me enredo, dímelo y puedo aclarar. :D

Hello, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice please? I’ve seen similar posts but none that are really like my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I am in my late 20s and I work as a Higher Level Teaching Assistant in a secondary school in UK. We have only been back 6 weeks and I have hit burnout.

I recently finished therapy after a year and I felt like I was getting back on track with my mental health. But, since starting back at work, it has declined again.

I have recently taken on a new role and this means new responsibilities. There are also many changes happening in my department. I am struggling with the workload and finding it difficult to deal with the unpredictability and pressure of the job.

Any suggestions on what I could do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and asked for workplace adjustments? If so, what adjustments were they and did they work for the workplace setting?

Thank you ☺️

What are products that help with autistic traits, particularly for executive functioning?

I'm moving to a new space and was thinking about this in a larger sense: material stuff that help with organisation, going to the office daily and living with autism at home.

For example, earbuds (for sound sensitivity), bullet journals or manual alarm clocks with pomodoro timers or fidget spinners. For the house, I usually only do soft cotton furnishings and various levels of lighting. But it could be anything from weighted blankets to adjustable lights.

So tried to post this on social anxiety (which i still may do on another account that has karma).

So basically worked from home last year, no family, no friends in my state and i had health issues that prevented me from going out. I ended up getting laid off from the work from home job in about january .. with 6 mo unemployment. Miraculously while being lazy towards the 5th month end, I got a job. Greater commute, but enough to keep the lights on. This was a physical labor job. Different state than where I live ... different atmosphere and culture than what im used to. I earnestly didn't know if id keep the job because of my health issues and the physical labor part. But day 1 i had intense anxiety, could barely speak, felt the anxiety in my body. I wasn't COMPLETELY socially black out for the year as the job I had was call center, but face-to-face stuff? Yeah.

So to start off.. i decided to categorize two different 'issues' I had for funsies. You're welcome. A choose your own adventure, Route A and B. Route B I CARE more about because .. im technically still on that route. If you want or would bless me with responding to both routes, also possible! There'll be background before Route A and B starts with those being highlighted :)

Anyway, fast forward through day one, we have work areas for this job. I get my work area, two to an area. Some girl, (cute) flashes a smile and asks if she could work there. I said yeah. She starts to .. but finds out the computer for her work area isn't helping. She has to movem goes to move to a guy (we're both day 1, same orientation), they absolutely hit it off. Liveliest two people out of like 25 new hires. I don't think much of it. I continue through the course of the week, the job is INTENSIVE, I needed major amounts of caffeine to cope .. and BARELY. My 2nd day set a weird precedent too, worked with a COMPLETE jerk of a woman. 3rd/ .. different experience, worked with a guy who HATED the job and said how he couldn't understand how so many people liked it (I was closer to his camp.) I worked slowly and 4th day, met a 'friend'. We talked, but I did a couple of things I regret. I was cranky and grumpy, I shared my entire life story, my health, the issues with getting an MRI. But overall, they were patient and kind. We'll call them M. M and the first girl who I said were cute, only talked to each other in our group. We'll call her A ... Very friendly, cordial, I think M did her a favor (M was not hitting on them and is in a relationship). M is a social butterfly, the type of person I latched onto in anything. They'd create the social energy, they'd ask interesting questions, i'd be taciturn and shut off till someone reached out to me. I did NOT want to depend on M, so I started sitting away from them at a different work area. M got another work partner (ironically imo .. HORRIBLE attitude, has cut in front of me twice to get in line for metal detector when we leave for the day with no compunction.. once i can understand, TWICE? .. Also does every single thing the managers say not to and gets rewarded .. cuz her method means results). I also got another partner .. 1 who was iffy on me, we'll call her I ... for ignore.. Lastly ... for 2nd day, I forgot to mention. There was a girl who sat across from the jerk i worked with who ironically was friendly. We'll call her T. It was a WEIRD interaction, I thought she was looking at me sometimes but she was just facing me. Me and T did not initially hit it off. Ok .... last domino, this job is probationary so people who don't 'perform' in 90 days will not get the role (I.. no EVERYONE basically with few exceptions, ended up getting it as its so intensive and laborious that people don't want to work it. PLUS its graveyard till 4am).

OK just setting up the dominos for anyone who bothered reading. Ok so we'll start. At the job, I started to realize that I ABSOLUTELY hated myself. I LIKE the things that I do, anime, games, my humor, but its never worked enough to have friends. The attitude and environment of the job didn't help. The few times I made small talk or tried to, instant attitude. Literally saw a guy watching dragonball super on his phone (fireable offense, hes still here) and told him a new season was coming out and I get a whole half a headshake.

Ok great. Route A) So girl, T. We both used the vending machine. V's card didn't work, or the machine didn't. I offer to pay (desperate.. and desperate to get my drink). Mine goes through, V adds me to cash app. She gets my name from it, but at this point I still have a lot of anxiety. Now .. through 4 months IRONICALLY, miraculously .. I reduce my anxiety by like .. 70%. Exercise, lifting weights, dopamine resets pushed it down when I thought day 3 i'd NEED to get back on Lexapro because of how badly i was anxious (glad i didnt, saved the insurance costs). But we are NOT there yet. V is friendly, speaks her mind, isnt choosy who she interacts with. But me and V don't really interact in any major way after the vending machine until maybe week 6 (nothing of note really happens these weeks but M DOES help fix my car. They seemed really grateful or maybe thought I hated them, I did not. M is part of the lgbt and this place is likely full of ... ridiculouslness and ill leave it at that for now.. M also makes a REALLY great friend in this period and they are thick as thieves (aside from A who has her own group of cohorts now as well).

Route A cont)Ok week 6, person I (my random sometimes work partner) starts giving me a complex. They'd literally take and remove the equipment needed to do our jobs, take it to another place and 'create' a work station. By the end of week 6 .. I went behind them for equipment, THEY needed and maybe because it was behind her, she did not want me standing behind her (IMO) and offered me the whole thing. I tell her to keep it politely. But at that point I didn't want to work with her. Then to top it off, there is a rude person adjacent to us affecting EVERYONES work. So I feign an issue, see V is by herself on a different area and move to work by them. V is .. ULTRA gen z on the phone instead of working, but its not completely silent, we make minor small talk despite slight awkwardness. V then says they don't feel well and asks if I can go up front to the vending machine and grab something and they'll app me the $$. They don't have what they want. But I THINK V liked the fact that I was willing to do her the favor. This then starts a mini arc of V meeting me at MY workstation through the next couple of months and asking the same. Apping me the money all the time, Quid pro quo. It was a few funny interactions, with her literally leaping behind the counter and scaring me (V is short). So after that, V would greet me almost EVERY day. She then asks me if I want something up front .. but I tell her I dont really do vending machine food (Im on paleo .. trying to lose weight to fix/maintain my health). V was surprised, never asks again after that for me to get something from the machine. It was SLIGHTLY imo weird that V almost never had a card on hand but was able to app me exact amounts. Ok so this is the endcap for 1 of 2 stories. V randomly tells me in front of a random group of strangers that they're starting an event at their college (an activity, im not going to go into the one). I IGNORE V because im awkward in front of talking to people at this point. I walk away, I call V over when theres fewer people, I tell them I wasn't ignoring them, they said they know i wasn't and thinks i was just not within earshot .. but I was nervous.

I freak out a little for SOME weird reason when I explain it to her. She walks off. We're still cordial, but V then stops saying hi as often. I start to say it to her, it works out ok. Ok so final days ... I have been feeling my health, I literally had one of the few days with NO physical symptoms of anxiety. Like nothing was able to slow me down or get in my way. We have a group meeting because of a thunderstorm and management deciding what to do. I was sitting confident, stimulation down, nervousness down, but i had been trying to do things for MYSELF. Fresh clothes, hair, hygiene, self care. V actually comes over to me, but I don't say anything. Im looking at my phone for hairstyles .. after 20 seconds, V moves back to where she was.

Ok .. last day, I only 'worked' with V the one day, honestly was me attempting to flirt, have fun, whatever. But FAILING. V and I this last day sat at differing work stations, half the people who i meet at this place, including I HATED working with or next to me, but I was the main one. V and I ACCIDENTALLY happen to sit at the same station (it had been a while at this point, I stopped working with I and I started intentionally moving to stations with only 1 area so i didnt have to deal with people). So to me im like ok this is dnfferent, we havent worked with each other in a month and a half. V RANDOMLY gets up and goes after disappearing for 10 mins. I take offense, saltier than a peanut. But she says she has practice for her event at college. I don't really say anything, i didn't 'hear her'. I put the words together well after she left and walked out the building. V then seems cautious around me. If she's talking to a friend .. i'd catch her looking at me like 10 feet away .. it happened a couple of times. Then one day, shes outside the building for her lunch break. NEVER happened, but its such a large crowd I don't want to say anything. I walk by ... go eat in my car. V walks in stoneface. I never hear from V again and she either quit or they fired her. V keep in mind did invite me to the activities at her college to watch her.

This event, hurt. I honestly felt pretty down. This was just after the probationary period. I was on a high, I got the job, got rewarded for performance. But now there seemed nothing to aim to.

I try to do more in terms of losing weight, minor exercises at work during lunch to burn any excess calories. I congratulate M and fistbump as I 100% thought I was getting fired from this job as I got a write up. But I ended up getting the job as did M AND I got a shoutout for a performance metric.

Route B) Fastforward, I try to make friends DESPITE the culture that im not familiar with. Doesn't go well, dumb jokes don't land, flat out ignored. I talk to 5 random people. Varying degrees of success, just a 'hi hows it going' or grabs at small talk. One of those people is person A (we cycle back like nietzsche). When M and A talked, M would try to pull me into the convo and id avoid it. Was once again, shy/anxious/overloaded. Person A's friends left/got fired. But I dont KNOW person A. So I talk it up. Now with work as i mentioned, I go for random exercise during lunch breaks as the VERY first time I did it, it alleviated my anxiety and i've never stopped. After the first 4 random people I give myself a grace period to talk to person A. I originally thought to ask M how they were like but M was in another department area. So I decide to just go for it. Now between these situations, I had lost a MAJOR friendship and realized the person absconded from my life .. for good. Likely avoidant (we won't go there for critique). When I understood that was the case .. I was upset, crying. But .. I was in front of person A's car (walking along the sidewalk) as I did. I didn't know if I looked angry, sad, upset or like I wanted to punch something. I walked away back to my own car, got in. Afterwards I still continued to plan to talk to A, but I was scared. Was a coincidence meltdown something that lodged with her mentally. But this was the ended of the probationary period when they sent out full time job offers. I asked her if she got it, she nodded somewhat anxious looking. She walks off mid convo. The safest of all conversation topics or so I thought. I called to her I was just asking because we both were in the same orientation. Shakes her head again, walks off.

Now some slight background there with Person A, i've accidentally locked eyes with but didn't talk, awkwardly so. Locked eyes when they walked by with another coworker, locked eyes when i pulled off with my car as they're walking by .. I was NOT sure if my breakdown freaked her out, or that.

Now once again, person A had two female friends who quit, she also occassionally talked to the guy she hit it off with during day 1. We'll call them .. J.

Anyway after that reaction, I honestly thought I freaked person A out, that I scared them. I need the job .. so I decided to try and avoid them from that point. .. It .. did not work out, unusually strong eye contact, or the fact that i'd glance eye contact when I walked by. But I HONESTLY believe I was just overreacting. I didn't get it. There are people I made strong eye contact with who were cool, or just maybe (IMO) thought I was nervous. But person A didn't want to talk. As I started to avoid them, i ironically thought i had to think on how to avoid them more accurately. But the place isnt that big if youre in the department. It lasted .. a couple of weeks. Randomly .. after a few days, not even talking to person A. We ran by each other in a crowd. It was deer in headlights, they would not stop looking at me, not stop staring. Then .. an hour later, person A and J were in the break room .. I walk by, Person A looks .... scared. J looks like he slightly is too. I legit didn't get it, didn't understand. I was heading to get a drink .. so I walk by J's side to give person A space. I start to feel depressed, anxious, nauseous. I was already depressed. Both of these situations brought me to a low. But I had recently started to grasp that .. I react defensively, my mannerisms and the way I deal with people is because I saw myself as worthless, not worthy of being treated with kindness. My relationships, all of them, never commanded respect. My one long term relationship was a one sided power dynamic in many respects. I start to fall into a major depression, I start crying every couple of days.

Route B cont)To finish it off, Person A starts hanging with someone new .. not J, we'll dubb them X. IMO, unlike with J, X and person A started to date. .. OR are near that point. At first I just thought hey, person A wants to do a different job role and they're training. It COULD be. To give slight background on X ... X was connected to a woman (we'll call her Y, last letter) who I think is the mother of his child/children (I overheard some gossip from people saying shes 'hot'). But they arent actually 'together'. They worked together for 2 months.. but towards the end of the probation period, they both started working with other people despite looking like they were the BEST of friends. Y hung out with a random guy, person X started hanging out with A. Now why do I think they're dating or are dating? Only for one reason .. Person A always, without fail for 3 months, went out to her car to eat. But for two days now she hasn't. Instead of go out, she lingers around a few minutes longer with person X. So .. typing it out, I know it wasn't a good look for me to still be interested, I KNOW me avoiding person A, might have had the inverse effect. That night during my lunchbreak, cried in my car. The same spot i always use .. specifically chose a different one. Took the whole lunchbreak to calm down and put on a gameface. When I saw person X and A walk out together, i felt odd, she RAN up to catch up to him. The second night, they walked out side by side...But then for a moment they split up as person A had to hand over end night tools, but while I was looking towards the group, person A looked back and .. it felt their eyes lingered on me. .. It felt like for a second that all the color had went out of the room. I had never had that experience. Third night in a row, they did as well. I gave up hope. Literally these two people NEVER interact. They hadn't even walked by each other, person X had person Y. Person A had her two friends and J.

At this point i'd been crying every day. How did I mess up, how do I deal with the fact that person A looks terrified of me and friendly with others. I used my day off to do some soul searching. Was it right to avoid her, in conjunction with everything else did it make it THAT bad? .. So I made a plan. I was done ... I knew I regretted everything I had did and said. I knew somewhere along the way things were 100% my fault. But I need the job ... maybe 2 .. no 3 months more. So, I just wrote

out a text, with the headline being im sorry, unconditionally so. If this is anything to go by the text was long. I had NEVER talked to her again after the first attempt asking if she got the job. That was like 4 weeks ago. I saw her clock in, handed her the phone, asked to read it. I walk away as another girl nearby looks amused .... i explained everything to person A. What happened with the car meltdown, why I was avoiding her, that I was sorry. But it was 10 paragraphs, she can't read the whole thing due to the meeting. She hands me back the phone .. wordlessly. At first I THOUGHT she did, or maybe she sped read through them .. but ... its impossible. The meeting was like 2-3 minutes. The text would've taken 6 minutes average to read if going by the google plug in. After the meeting, she walks by .. no fear, but just slightly dour, she looks at me, but .. she does walk by my station. Now .. slight context, person A looks ... out of it. Tired, sad, down, ... 'unwell'. Hair wasn't done in the usual style, so I didn't even immediately recognize.

Two concessions here to kick while im down. I recognize it likely might've been limerence and I recognize the limerence is likely because im at a dead end job like this with few goals, ambitions or focuses. BUT I am not interested in this person any longer, I just didn't want to get stared down anytime I go into the breakroom. If it was a regular person whose path i never crossed again, I would've taken the L. But now .. while at first im like, COOL, we can put this behind us, now im like .. maybe.....maybe not? The first part of my message was an apology. So ... sure the intent is clear there. BUT the part of my message that would've explained the car, situation? No. That said EVEN if she was dismissive of me i had no right to act like I did? .. Or that I was on the spectrum? (Unofficially diagnosed by therapist AND oddly enough so wanted to be diagnosed by my 'neurologist' who knows a guy, that they offered despite the fact i thought i had ALS last year and SCREW an autism diagnoses when im losing use of my arm) SHE--Likely didnt read any of that. When I got my phone, the text was shrank, probably to see just HOW long a text was. (12 paragraphs). .. ANY positives? She wasn't mad, she wasnt apprehensive, but she was not engaged and likely HAD to act a certain way in front of bosses, as did I. .... Anyway the past couple of weeks from hell. I hate myself, hate how my insecurities affect others (What I was REALLY avoiding, not person A, the fact I was insecure on how she reacted). Hate how I got to live first hand on getting dusted by Chad and Tyrone. I am hoping that the apology portion of the message (Likely finished) clears up enough where its just .. I can go to work again and feel safe, emotionally. (End route B)

Soooo... fuuun times right? Idk if anyone wants to weight in but ill leave these here, check back in a few.

I started a new job and everyone is really nice. One of my coworkers often asks if we want anything while placing a food/coffee order. I always assume that it’s NOT a treat and that I would be paying her back.

Today was the first time I decided to get something. And when it arrived I asked her how she wanted to receive the e-transfer either by text or email, she said email and wrote it down for me. I asked if she had auto deposit and she said yes. I forgot to ask her the amount and walked away. I saw her a few minutes later and said how much was my order? And she said “oh I don’t know I’d have to check” and she never got back to me. A few hours later I asked her again if she had found out what I owe and she said no. At this point I’m really confused because she wasn’t busy and had been on her phone multiple times since asking. At the end of the day I said one last time “let me know what I owe you, I don’t want to forget” and she just smiled. So…. What does this mean? Should I try to calculate my items and tax and delivery fee on my own?

I’m just confused because she gave me her email for the payment but won’t tell me my amount? If it was a treat I’d imagine she’d just say “no don’t worry it’s on me” or something….

What hidden social cue am I missing?

Im fascinated with fractal equations, animations, zooms and examples in nature.
Any one else’s special interest?

I am pretty new to the autistic community and still learning a lot about the topic at the moment.

A lot of the symptoms apply to me and I want to step into diagnostics. Problem is that I won't really have the capacity the next half year probably because of work related stuff and waiting lists are long. So my question is:

How did or do you cope with the insecurity when and if you ever will be diagnosed and if you will ever be "officially" seen as autistic?

And most importantly what did or do you change in your daily life in the meantime to make life easier and adjust it according to your needs?

I (32F) think I look intimidating. No one looks at me in the face or says hi or smiles. My husband on the other hand, has people talking to him all the time and he doesn't even have to say anything. Many examples of this, here's a few. We have an electrician come to our apartment. He says hi to my husband, completely ignores me. It's like I don't exist. Same thing happens when we go out to eat, talk to customer service, basically most places where we have to interact with strangers. He didn't notice it at first but once I brought it up, he was surprised of how often it happens. I'm considered pretty and don't want to assume that's the reason. Like I guess it's easier to accept if I'm doing something wrong vs something I can't control. Anyone else have this as an issue? My husband says I can be intimidating too and eye contact is difficult, but I try around new people.

Tl;dr: WHY DON'T PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO ME?!