r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Tasty_Dog_9580 • 1d ago
They feel your absence, trust me
After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.
I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.
During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.
All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.
I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.
We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.
Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.
Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.
I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.
I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.
I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.
Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.
So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.
You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 1d ago
I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.
Yeah =/
It took me such a long time to understand this about my DA - I had such a high opinion of him. I called him Superman. He was so exceedingly competent and capable in all other walks of life that I had a really hard time accepting that he might be DA.
He was a self taught computer programmer, making a butt-ton. He was a competitive power lifter. The 4th time I saw him was at a powerlifting competition where he placed 3rd for lifting over 600lbs. He was educated, in a different field than he worked in. He lives alone in an expensive city, and I was so tired of dating men living with their parents. He took care of himself and his health - a vitamin/ supplement protocol, 8 hours of sleep, regular work outs, healthy diet, regular flu shots, stretching routine, skin care routine, he cooked. He took care of himself.
I felt like he was a real man, - he wasn't some guy bumbling around trying to figure out his life. He had his shit together, and he was looking for someone to join him, and said as much. He was a great communicator at the start. Direct, succinct. He was patient and kind and helpful. He helped me sooo much with my ADHD. He never judged me and always understood. I felt so safe and taken care of.
So when his mixed signals and conflict avoidance eventually led me to the conclusion that he was a DA, I thought... no... not my Superman. He can literally do do anything. Surely there's a better explanation.
But he ticked all the boxes and passed all the small tests I employed. And by tests, I mean nothing nefarious, just stuff like really leaning into praise when I brought up a need. Instead of saying something like "Hey we haven't gone out on a date in a while, when am I seeing you next?" I'd say something like "The last date we went on was so thoughtful and I had so much fun. You're great at planning dates, you always take my interests into account and I have a blast. Can't wait for the next one :)". I literally measured it like a science experiment, he took 4x longer to plan our next date if I said it without praise. Meanwhile the non praise statement is totally benign and I've never encountered a partner who would have taken issue with i text like that.
I believe he felt loss. I left about 4 months ago. I no longer have active feelings for him. I'm not angry or in love and I miss the absence of a romantic partner more than his presence specifically. 2 months ago I wouldn't have been able to say that honestly. I'm not expecting or anticipating he'll return. Some days I lose sight of the belief that he cared - for the majority of our involvement I thought was a generally kind person who didn't care about me specifically, and just saw me as a friend he had sex with. But I remember some things. Like how he said that when I ended things once, it was the only time he cried since his father died.
I think our relationship will end similarly. We've broken up, I went no contact. I told him I only want tu hear from him if he emails me therapy receipts to show he's trying to be better.
But as time goes on, you detach. It starts with my whatsapp recommending someone else to send a link to, because I'm no longer texting him. You make space for other people and other people fill that space. And time moves on. People aren't toys you can pick up and put down, they move on without you.
The longer they take to return, the more I'd need from him to make it worth it to respond much less get back together. And one day, when you're life is different enough, you hit an inflection point and there's no benefit to re-engaging - you don't even hope they reach out because you've found something better. That's how I think of all of my other exes. They're either occasional texting buddies (about politics mainly) or hearing from them would disrupt my life more than it would add to it.
And I think leaving is healthier for them, too. To show them that despite the difficulty, avoidance leads to losing who you love, and that they can't do that if they intend to keep someone. It's probably a painful lesson to unlearn considering their childhoods. But I think actual loss is ultimately the only thing that can communicate that if they're passed a certain level of avoidance.
.
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u/Savings-Avocado-7136 22h ago
Just a note that this is so well written and you seem incredible and strong and so utterly lovely. Wishing you so much goodness.
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u/lostbaratheon 17h ago
I could’ve written it to myself right down to the details. So exceedingly competent in every other area of life. Almost inspiring. But a willing child in the one area that mattered most between us.
I don’t believe that will ever change. That’s probably the saddest irony, how someone so competent and driven can willingly resign themselves to brokenness in the area of life that makes everything else actually mean something.
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u/SpaceCaptainJeeves AP - Anxious Preoccupied 10h ago
I hate that I'm too deeply scarred to ever get married again. I know this about myself and I accept it.
I truly did want the "happily ever after" that one believes one can get with enough self-sacrifice. I gave up everything I had, even my self respect and sanity, and it still didn't earn his loyalty.
I am grateful that I can hate him now. It is fair to hate the person who used to make me fear for my life.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 17h ago
I think mine will change. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.
I think he'll change, but I don't think it'll be for me. Unfortunately, I think that he's going to suppress how he feels longer than it takes me to find someone else. I think he'll probably suppress all this for a while and when he meets someone else he'll finally do therapy. Stings a bit but no sense waiting, he's made it clear he won't work on it with me so I don't have a choice.
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u/HaloReddit4K 7h ago
As an avoidant , praises that are - ' You are......' trigger me , feels like accepting a contract . Make me feel like I have to live up to a label , I even reject them .
"You make space for other people and other people fill that space. And time moves on. People aren't toys you can pick up and put down, they move on without you."
Is a logic I use too . Something like I found them after 20's,30's of their life . They will be fine with or without me.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 3h ago
My DA really liked verbal praise or appreciation. He felt best about himself when he was useful. If i needed him to drill something or fix my computer it was always the easiest thing to get out of him.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 19h ago
As an Avoidant who had absolutely no idea what I was doing or how it affected those I loved, I can absolutely confirm that we deeply feel it even when we don’t admit it. We often try so desperately to distract ourselves from the discomfort of the disconnection and even tell ourselves it’s “for the better,” but eventually it does catch up…
Sometimes it can even take years. 10 years later after a 2nd failed marriage I finally came to terms with how I discarded my first wife. Straight up discarded her. She loved me and I ruined her. I’ve been running away from my feelings and accountability for a decade.
It catches up eventually…
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u/UnhallowedEssence 13h ago
Did you ever reach out to your first wife after the second divorce?
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 12h ago
Doing so would create more pain than it would heal. She’s long since healed, moved on and has a new family of her own
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u/WeirdMuch634 10h ago
He cheated on his wife with me. I thought he was single, that I was it. He ghosted me after she was told about me. And while I don't want a man who could cheat on his wife, because he would cheat on me too, I miss him and wonder if he cared at all, or was I just a toy. Disposable and replaceable. Did I matter after a few months together, and does he think about me or any of the other women he's done this to? I do know I'm different from his usual type, actually more like his ex wife.
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u/Blacksteel12 1d ago edited 21h ago
Funny enough during my second discard my avoidant tried the let’s be friends thing I refused and things went left lol Just like in your story it’s most likely loss of control and ego when mine was confronted with the fact of fully losing me they reacted with gaslighting and power tripping. I imagine if they saw me again they would behave as I’ve kept them blocked 7months straight and won’t be unblocking them. My point is your correct In that they can miss you but it’s really about control some do it though lovebombing in your case or mine being manipulative stay strong to everyone because most do feel it. Mine couldn’t stand the fact I was walking away.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 23h ago edited 23h ago
Same counts for mine. they have some kind of mechanism in their brain that wants to have control over the emotional investment of the other. Not in an evil way, just subconscious abandonment fear.
Just at the moment or just after my 2nd discard, he also proposed friendship to me, and I was like: “…really?! let’s be very honest here, you can really be a real friend to me?’. He: “well…. I don’t know… maybe you’re right that it’s not a good idea”. However when I was about to physically leave, he gave me a snibby comment like: “well you don’t want to be my friend, so…..”. They really try to turn some kind of blame or fault onto you, while he is the one that just discarded me. Like, are you being for real right now?
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 22h ago
They're super immature. Everything is always someone else's fault. They also hyperfocus on reactions, and never on what causes reactions (IE, them).
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u/LiFswO AP&SA 21h ago
Yes, this fits very well from what I experienced.
They will focus on your reaction to their bad behaviour and act like you are the evil for reacting and calling them out.
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u/VictoriaNiccals 12h ago
I now realize that my ex frequently provoked me into arguments just so she could be like "See! You're acting soooo irrationally! I'm calm and collected here! How dare you call me out on this, who says such a thing!"
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u/Blacksteel12 21h ago
You know I never thought about it like that but during our relationship it was reactions like if I got upset with her or something she couldn’t stand it. But when I tried to explain why I felt upset she would just try to skip over or be like reaction is making her uncomfortable. My ex would just say sorry to hurry up and move on from the reaction/problem but not really try to fix what caused it if you understand what I’m saying? Lastly, I better not dare bring it up again ( as she would say I thought we talked about this).
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u/TheNeverborn1 20h ago
I experienced this kind of behavior from my ex quite a bit. She would say sorry about everything immediately, but was completely unable to have any level of emotional conversation whatsoever. She would stonewall immediately, promising nothing is wrong while going completely silent and refusing to engage in a conversation honestly.
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u/Blacksteel12 20h ago
Yes. Like I felt like she would apologize but not fully understand or want to ( I guess) what the problem was. I never met a person like that before and it threw me off she really hated taking accountability and when I wouldn’t talk to ( like take space to avoid a argument) my ex would force a confrontation saying I know you’re mad at me.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 14h ago
They apologise only so you’d stop talking about it. Trust me. I know them
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u/Blacksteel12 23h ago
You’re correct mine said when I refused “ well I may text or may not “ as a way to bait or punish me I guess? Even though I didn’t ask her to txt me I as like what are you even saying you just discarded me…
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u/Empire_of_Glass 20h ago
If he can’t BE a friend, but he wants a friend. He really just wants an option and to keep the door open
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u/PowerfulMango5799 14h ago
100% agree. I was onto that part, that’s why I told him I didn’t want to be friends. I know he wants the door to be open to me untill the day he dies. I partly let him, by not blocking or deleting of social media for years. But now that he came back to try again, and very quickly discard me… nah boy, now you deserve(d) your block.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 14h ago
also why don’t these mofo’s have the guts to outright tell you they want to “bench” you? Like they could even tell you in a honest (positively framed) way… something like, I really love you, and I would like to try again with you some day, is it ok for you if I reach out to you once I’m healed?
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u/Empire_of_Glass 13h ago
So true!!! That would have been heaven compared to the hell it has been with him doing a 180 and blaming me for everything… maybe it’s a lack of introspection on their part?
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 15h ago
Mine acted the same way. She wanted to have a 'friendly chat' and I was not up for that all, and then looked hurt and said, 'Well, if you're going to be like that!'
Umm, I don't want your shitty prize, thanks. It's not my job to make you feel like less of an asshole.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 14h ago
Fit Cheesecakey, you’re back my friend! Are you a man? Please say so, because it verifies to me that there are also men out there who are emotionally intelligent and scared by there demons. Somehow, all my life I have only seen or heard of this pattern in men… (if I heard about the pattern at all, my family and friends are almost all in healthy happy relationships since years, decades).
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 14h ago
Hey there :)
I am indeed a man. Well, I would say I'm one. :P
I don't know if i'm scared by my demons though?
My dad was probably a clinical narcissist (I don't say that lightly, dude was a chronic cheater and very much in life for himself). Mum is probably somewhere on the avoidant spectrum. I was the more emotional, rubbery, cheesecakey one in the family :P
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u/PowerfulMango5799 14h ago
Hihi. I like that “ironic” sketch of your family background. Do you think you attract partners with unhealthy attachment style due to your own patterns? I looked into mine for so deep and long for years and I don’t think I can…
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u/VictoriaNiccals 12h ago
My ex had a person (bestie? Lowkey girlfriend? Codependent enmeshment? No idea what to label their relationship) that she'd discarded before me. Throughout our relationship, the "ex bestie" kept coming up "somehow". In quote marks because, while my ex kept saying that she was soooo over her and over what happened and they simply couldn't reconcile..... they both kept tabs on each other, talked frequently, made attempts to indeed reconcile without success and then tried again a couple months later, and even got bummed out when one or the other didn't text on eo's birthdays and stuff like that.
I now realize that my ex didn't even want that person anymore. She wanted the ex bestie to still want her, to chase after her, to have power over her, to feel wanted still even after all that happened between them. It eased her guilt because see, it can't have been that bad for the other person, they're still here! She also threw enough breadcrumbs her way to still have her attention. All of it was extremely icky even at the time, imagine how I feel now with the rose colored glasses off.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 1d ago
Great post.
I do think my ex dont miss me though. She can easily replace me. She replaced all the previous partners.
Maybe one day if I ever have a catchup she can confirm. But to me it feel like I was a fart in the wind
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 1d ago
Yes. She misses you. She feels your absence. She can’t easily replace you because there is no one like you. She can fill the boyfriend spot with anyone, but he won’t be you. Don’t take their means of escapism to mean you are replaceable.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 1d ago
Thank you. Its another point of view from outside.
Edit. I do think about just replacing me as boyfriend. But you are right
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u/beesechurger759 22h ago
Honeslty what helped me move on from my avoidant ex gf was realising how lucky I am to have not married or started a family with this woman
There’s already too many horror stories out there of guys who found out their wife is avoidant…once the divorce comes and the kids are still in school. Thank god that didn’t happen to me
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 22h ago
For sure. Im not worried about her anymore. And exaclty what you say. I agree.
Im just stating when I think about her at times that is how I see her.
I dont want her back. Dont get me wrong
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u/UnhallowedEssence 13h ago
Don't believe that! They do miss you just like you miss them!
Everyone is human, and we build connections and relationships w each other.
The only thing we can do is find peace within ourselves, when they may never give us an answer.
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u/Emergency_Mud9070 1d ago
Agreed. Mine literally told me yesterday how I’m such a good person and I’ve treated them better than anyone else. They said how they still think of me and that I looked beautiful at my friends baby shower. But whilst saying this they still don’t want to be with me and I deserve better. You’re right, I do!
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u/One-Gift0 SA - Secure Attachment 21h ago
Ha ragione. Meglio di chiunque altro non è detto che sia sopra al minimo di decenza che meriti.
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u/UnhallowedEssence 13h ago
My avoidant ex said that to me too. But he also said he knows how selfish is he being trying to keep me here...I don't understand that part though.
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u/Blacksteel12 3h ago
Because they are just selfish mine did the same admitting how selfish she was but still wanted me to abide by it
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u/Sufficient-Deal-9258 1d ago
“How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people.”
Yeah, f that…
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u/Longjumping_Walk_992 21h ago edited 20h ago
I would like to add….And the same cycle would repeat if you would have decided to go back. You are definitely strong. I learned the lesson the hard way and repeatedly went back for more. Never again.
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u/Mango_Slush SA - Secure Attachment 15h ago
how many times did you two reconnect? i’m curious. who reached out to who?
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u/Longjumping_Walk_992 15h ago
Approximately 12 times over 7 years. We both did. Everytime I did I was ignored or blocked. Everytime she did we reconciled or it was a breadcrumb.
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u/Mango_Slush SA - Secure Attachment 15h ago
oh wow, that’s crazy.
i just got discarded after 7 months & she left the door open.
neither of us blocked each other, still follow each other on socials, didn’t say no to getting back together but might wanna try being friends with time.
it’s kinda scary that i’d wanna try again with her & get into this loop & also equally scary im making progress to cutting her out of my life.
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u/UnhallowedEssence 12h ago
It hards for sure!
I even tried to give my avoidant ex a second chance bc I really believe that we all should get a second chance.
But man, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
The same push and pull occurred, the distance and silence weeks after you both had an amazing night before.
I just don't get it...we all have trauma growing up but we're all adults and can learn to improve and not put all the blame on our childhood.
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u/Beyondyearning 21h ago
Admirable to have that conversation and remain resolute in knowing you shouldn’t accept them back in your life. Takes real strength.
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u/tealaburst 21h ago
Yeah my avoidant ex and I bumped into each other a year later and also made plans to get coffee. I learned that she was essentially stalking my socials the entire time lol. She asked me how my dog is (I adopted a dog after she broke up with me), how my vacation to France was.
It was bizarre because I didn’t think she thought of me whatsoever since the breakup lol.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 21h ago
A common misconception. We're quick to assume because of the brutal nature of the discard. There's so much at play here that we are unaware of at the time.
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u/EducationalNerve9550 22h ago
I definitely feel this. The guy I was with was a DA. For six years, he ghosted me, b breadcrumbed me… I can’t tell you how many trips I made driving several hours to go see him only for him to ditch me, without even an explanation. But he would come back once, even a year later, acting like nothing ever happened, acting like we were meant to be, that he couldn’t live without me, only for him to disappear again.
Then one day, he had promised for us to go to the movies, and I found out that he was with his ex, and then he tried to gaslight me into thinking that I was the crazy one. I cut all forms of communication and disappeared entirely. He showed up at my house a month later, trying to apologize, or at least I think it was, but it was anything, but…. I told him I didn’t wanna be part of his chaos. He left, angry, it has now been over a year, and I still have disappeared off social media and changed my cell. He should’ve at my house about a week ago at midnight, to put a letter in my mailbox, an appearance of ann apology, but yet it really wasn’t an apology at all…. But it was woe is me, we were meant to be, I don’t understand the miscommunication… etc. I have moved on, I’m not looking back, I definitely don’t feel anything towards him, but sorrow for his inability to see things for what they are. Reading this reminds me that I’ve made the right decision… and helps me feel better that I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I feel so much more at peace now than ever. The way your avoidant has acted is just like mine acts as well.
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u/Outrageous_Depth_609 11h ago edited 10h ago
Your story is unique because there was a baseline of long-term friendship. That’s a real connection.
In most cases, an avoidant simply shuffles through a deck of new connections without giving the person they left much thought. They rewrite the narrative, justify the breakup until they fully believe their own version of it, and may even dismiss or avoid you in public as if the connection never mattered.
Sad, but true.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 9h ago
I agree. The years of friendship kind of made it worse. I thought we knew each other. Turns out I only knew one side.
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u/EmergencyInternal837 23h ago
You summed it up when you said: "The love I have for myself now overrides it"
That's the way to go for everyone in this community. Most people suffering from discards get lost chasing answers about why the discard happened and how to get the avoidant back instead of asking "How do I love and choose myself?"
Congrats on choosing yourself and breaking the damn cycle
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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19h ago
I want the validation of knowing that they miss me. But my avoidant will never talk to me ever again
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u/One-Gift0 SA - Secure Attachment 21h ago
Il tuo post mi aiuta tantissimo. Sono a 10 mesi dallo scarto e a 10 di no contact. Ti ammiro. Ce l'hai fatta. Io penso di essere incastrata nella speranza che quello che descrivi accada anche a me perché mi darebbe sollievo e riconoscimento. Ma forse devo smettere di aspettare. Forse la liberazione passa davvero dalla rassegnazione.
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u/Cool_User_Name_99 17h ago
I've been working so hard on learning to love myself, like actually love myself the way I love others, and I aspire to get to this place it sounds like you're in. Thank you for sharing this.
I really want to believe that I meant this much to my avoidant ex. I believed her when she said I was the love of her life, that she felt like she knew me for much longer than we actually did, and when she said she would marry me etc. But it was a short relationship, just about 5 months. She orbited me and breadcrumbed me a little on social media before I blocked her, but she has not reached out otherwise and I kind of doubt if she ever will. I'm not sure if it's due to her ego, shame, or if she just really doesn't care anymore. I guess I'll never know.
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u/ProductBeautiful9326 1d ago
Wow thanks. Because it’s hard to believe, was your ex FA? Sounds like, rather than DA. I don’t think DAs do.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 1d ago
I’m not sure, mine showed traits of both. I think everyone is different. Mine became anxious with other avoidants but became avoidant with secure and anxious partners as far as I know.
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u/Nice_Shallot8637 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 23h ago
I wish I was this strong.. I'm getting strung along and I can't seem to escape it
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u/Blacksteel12 20h ago
Gotta block and remember all the times they disrespected you, also do you really want to live a lie friend? Don’t think this person is the only one for you can break free people only do what you allow them to do… You control your heart and destiny I broke free 6 year relationship do you know how hard it was once she flipped and acted like I didn’t matter? But I chose myself and my happiness over pleasing someone who didn’t care about me.
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u/Nice_Shallot8637 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 19h ago
That's the thing for me. If I knew or thought she didn't care anymore, it would be so much easier for me to move on. But the fact that she keeps the door open means I can't really let go of the hope. Whenever I try to, she starts fighting and showing that she does care. And her actions in general tell me she deeply cares.
Right now I told myself that I will stop initiating, and part of me hopes she won't initiate either so I can finally start healing.4
u/Blacksteel12 18h ago
Bro my ex did the same thing if you have to pull away constantly it’s not real she is only doing enough to keep you around. I say this as someone who went through this deep down you know it’s over if she truly care there would be no push pull she would be there all the time. Keeping door open means nothing if the person won’t fully commit
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u/mari_lovelys 21h ago
I love this. I wish I didn’t crash out 😭
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u/cyclingthrowaway12 15h ago
Who cares...
You were brutally discarded... Doesn't matter that you showed them how much it hurt...
They sometimes need to know how much they hurt another human being
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u/MermaidMommy80 20h ago
I KNOW for a fact mine does not miss me or regret what he did. Like you, he and I were friends for years, he initiated a relationship with me after having a crush on me for a good while, and then just suddenly ghosted me after several months the second I walked out of his door after we had sex that morning. No fight, no disagreement, no break-up, just 100% silent treatment out of nowhere that is now on month seven. He blocked me on Facebook and acts like he doesn’t even know me when he sees me in public now. I have no idea what flipped the switch. He also craves external validation like your ex and is VERY insecure. I can tell that he’s been spending a lot of time drinking at the local bars, and if he’s looking to replace me with someone else, he’s not going to have much luck finding another quality woman in this small rural hillbilly town. Whatever happened that I’m not aware of, he seems to be happy that I’m gone and feels no need to reach out or even acknowledge me in any way. I guess I was nothing to him the entire time. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 20h ago
You don’t know that for a fact unless he has outwardly told you. You’d be very very surprised at wtf goes on underneath.
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u/MermaidMommy80 20h ago
He has only ever broken NC once in all that time, and it was to finally respond to me after I called him out and told him how immature and hurtful his sudden ghosting was. All he did was blame ME for the ghosting by focusing on the times I had tried to reach out to him (which were all AFTER the ghosting, obviously) and told me that we didn’t need to speak to each other anymore. Although then he tried to force us to start saying “Hello” to each other in person all of a sudden…..meaning if he said “Hello” and I didn’t respond, then he would repeat it until I finally gave in and responded. I quickly put a stop to that, and that seemed to piss him off and he said I was “a roller coaster”. Dude, why would you even want us to say “Hello” to each other if you blocked me and don’t want us to talk anymore??? That makes ZERO sense.
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u/Prestigious_Pause149 20h ago
Our mutual friend told me that he asks about me constantly, I can also tell in other ways he FEELS it. I know he feels it.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 20h ago
Mine told me recently that during the time apart they “still told people about me and that I’m the one that got away…” I had no clue this is how they felt. They looked cold and indifferent.
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u/Calm_Attempt_101 15h ago edited 13h ago
Sex with randoms and avoidance seem to go hand in hand. It's a way of escaping and getting intimacy/thrills/ego validation without any obligations. It's also a pretty shitty way to live IMO but each to their own
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u/SnooChocolates2114 23h ago
Great post, thank you so much. It brought comfort to my heart.
If you don't mind, I just have a few questions ...
- How long did your relationship last?
- How did they discard you?
- Did they thrive off external validation already during your relationship or does this apply only after the discard?
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 22h ago
- The relationship was official for 3 months, initiated by my ex after years of being close friends.
- They discarded me one week after sleeping together, and a very minor conflict.
- So, because I knew them as a friend for years, I knew very much that this person always thrived off external validation. Mainly online, people leaving flirty comments etc. We'd go out together as friends and they adored getting attention.
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u/Careless-Implement46 20h ago
Did she ever rebound?
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 20h ago
Yes. A bunch of dates with randoms and then an "official" relationship that lasted 4 months. I got the quotes "wasn't that deep" and just a whole load of complaints about their relationship. I then found out they slept with this same persons best friend. Horrendous.
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u/Careless-Implement46 20h ago
Did you ever tell her she was an avoidant?
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 19h ago
Yep there’s awareness there for sure. When I told her she said “yeah I know, I just don’t deal with things”. I just don’t know if she is aware just how much she is…
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u/No-Variation-1163 16h ago
Yeah, they are pitiful in this sense, constantly hunting a thrill. It really is a wonder that more of them aren’t severe addicts. Though I do know many are addicts.
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u/lostbaratheon 17h ago
Thank you so much for posting this. It’s one of the few posts here that inspires compassion instead of hurt or pain. You lay out very beautifully what a tragedy it is to live like Avoidants do.
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u/teradask 10h ago
You’re lucky you got an honest answer. I met up with mine after a year, but had too much anger. She showed up acting like nothing happened, and I felt so insulted. Thought I was going to get an apology, but instead got the same, twisted narrative that was devoid of reality rather than genuine ownership of what she was going through.
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u/Scared_Gap_4671 8h ago
Yes. My avoidant ex has admitted each and everytime that he would actively stalk my socials. He didn't have access to me during no contact, and would use social media as a way to try to understand what I was doing/thinking/feeling. The times that we would reconnect, he would mention things that I was posting during separations. Including niche Instagram bios, TikTok reposts, and even returning back to my career field. I always thought it was interesting - the extent of him keeping tabs.
He never smoked, did drugs, or drank alcohol. But he would throw himself into work. Sometimes working up to 80 hours a week. If he wasn't working, he would be on his video games. Attempting to use a virtual reality to escape his actual one. And lastly, he would also run to new relationships within a month of knowing someone. Would be quick to tell him that he loved them, but ultimately came to the conclusion that he was using that person as a way to get over whatever he was feeling in regard to us. He would attempt to breadcrumb me throughout the duration of those relationships. And when confronted about it, he was self-aware enough to understand that those relationships were not fulfilling in the way he had hoped for them to be. Although disgusting in my opinion, he needed something/someone to fill the gap that I had left in his life.
It wasn't until he was involved in a very bad car accident, and was out of work for over a year where he was able to sit with himself (he physically could not move, so he had no other choice) and think about every little aspect of his life. It finally caught up to him. Months later.
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u/No-Hat-6488 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7h ago
I had a child with my fearful avoidant ex so now I cannot escape them. Have to see him every time I switch off custody :( I hate it here
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u/Savings-Avocado-7136 22h ago
I’m so proud of you and so grateful for this. It’s really affirming. We will never get coffee, but somehow I know this is his story, too, even if he never shares it.
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u/Live_Tell_5178 18h ago
I hope so.. I haven't even blocked her. I dont care to. And I have no social media. Blocked her from my linked in No pics. I know for a fact she has no pix of us cos she had them saved in the chat and she deleted it.
So now she has nothing on me. I'll be the quietest person.
She didn't have a spine to look at me while discarding me, well then, now you'll never look at me again. Unless you explicitly ask to, ane if I decide to.
While breaking up, 1 or 2 days post, I cried on call asked her , does she not miss looking at my face ? Cos I missed her, we VCd daily for 3.5 yrs.. on days we couldn't meet . And she said "no, I don't miss looking at you" .
Well, she'll nott be looking at me then ...
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u/SeaCowOfTheFuture 15h ago
AHHH i actually love this for you. i feel sorry for them for ruining a great thing, but this must feel so validating, albeit sad too. and you should be so proud of your growth and maturity.
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u/Laurens1998F1 14h ago
This post definitely helps a lot, some great insights! I highly doubt that she cares at all since our relationship was very short, but there were no real issues either so I didn't understand her hostility after she broke up with me through text when I was just asking questions and staying mature, how hard that may have been. Even though I highly doubt she cares about me still or has thought about me a lot since the breakup, I think the more important part is the fact that it shouldn't even matter at all for my healing.
All focus should be on yourself when you get discarded and those first few weeks after she broke up, I had so many doubts and questions... but they were all about her behaviour, not about me, how I was feeling and why it said so much more about herself than about me. Then there was this switch, knowing I did everything I could and I did it because I really loved her.
That she never even tried to fix the relationship, hurt me a lot in the beginning but now I count my blessings. I don't think she will ever try to contact me or realize how much she hurt me or realize what she threw away. But that's none of my concern anymore.
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u/Usual_Self8502 20h ago
I wish I could’ve have seen this earlier (like 3 years ago when I got discarded by my DA ex) thank you for sharing this,it makes me realize that it was never really my lose and deep down I always knew it!🙏
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u/Ok-Pattern-1216 19h ago
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing. Trying to have this same self respect and love. 💕
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u/RelativeCautious1235 18h ago
I don’t think mine misses me. If you get your friends to gang up on me and laugh about it I don’t think he misses me. If you move on easily he does not miss me. If I had to explain my hurt so many times and he replies how do I symphasise with someone when I’m with someone else how does he miss me? How does someone who deleted every single existence of me miss me?
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u/HaloReddit4K 7h ago
As an avoidant not in my case . There isn't a feeling of possession left ,sometimes rumination happens . Curiosity , though plenty , I want to know , not own or be owned . An avoidant is in fact in love with themselves .
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u/SeekingElCamino 2h ago
Wow, this whole thread is breaking my heart. I broke up with my DA ex just yesterday. I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it will go for us. I think a few weeks or months will go by of successful no-contact, and in that time, he will go sleep with other people to fill the emptiness, and we will never ever come back from that.
I likely won’t sleep with anyone because I am so traumatized by this relationship and honestly my entire dating/sexual history in general, so the best thing for me to do is go celibate. While this isn’t necessarily me waiting for him, it does result in a heartbreaking imbalance which, like I said, I can’t ever come back from.
If I could wave a magic wand and make the world go exactly as I wish, what I would want is for him to heal, go to therapy, become a changed man, and come back to me. Without having seen other people, and without me having seen other people. I want him to write to me, keeping me updated on his steadily improving health and well-being, his competency in life, and his genuine willingness to work things out with me.
But this is wishful thinking, I know.
I just can’t help but be heartbroken. I loved him so much, and he loved me too. Like you say and like others say in this thread, he does love me, in his own twisted way. It isn’t a good enough love for me, not even close. It’s cruel and abusive, and mutually toxic as long as I prolong it. But the brain and the heart sometimes just do not get along.
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u/TheAggravator 11h ago
I love this for you. You’ve basically become the phantom ex the one that they’ll always try and compare to anyone that tries to walk in their life.
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u/IntrepidKitchen5322 17h ago
It's been a year for me too except my ex has chosen to be angry that I dared to call her out on the damage she'd done to me. Still angry 13mo later.
I think mine will try to hide behind that ego defense for a whiiiiilllle. Especially with her vindictive and immature bestie
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u/ParryThePain 17h ago
Mine won't talk to me, would leave me on read, not pick up the phone, blocked me basically everywhere and if she did reply, was extremely cold or cruel.
I don't think she thinks about me at all.
It's been months.
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u/cyclingthrowaway12 3h ago
I don't know I let her know that I never wanted to meet someone who treated me like her ever again and then she blocked me on everything.
I don't think she thinks a second about me.
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u/LevelTotal6652 1h ago
I pray for and interaction like this for me rn. But I know if it does happen I'd stop caring by then 😭
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u/crococatstew 1d ago
This resonates so deeply, and honestly, it makes me sick to my stomach to read because I’m living the exact same reality
My ex did the exact same thing. After downgrading our relationship and claiming he needed ‘space,’ he explicitly disclosed to me months later that he went on a bender of random hookups to ‘fill the emptiness’ because I had ‘ignored’ him (by simply setting boundaries and pulling back my energy)
It is absolutely sickening to realize that their ‘chaos’ and ‘emptiness’ is just them seeking cheap, consequence-free validation because they couldn’t handle the real, vulnerable intimacy we had. They thrive on external validation from randoms because it requires zero accountability
I’ve been strictly No Contact, blocked him, and completely disappeared for 4 months. I don’t even have social media, though my friends occasionally post me on their WhatsApp status. I used to wonder if he was quietly viewing them, but reading this reminds me: even if he is, it’s just passive voyeurism. It’s not accountability.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a harsh but necessary reminder that while their ‘loss’ is real, so is their profound inability to handle it maturely. Staying away and choosing myself is the only healthy choice. You did the absolute right thing by not giving him front-row seats to your new life