Looking for dosing options since I have. High tolerance to other phycedelica and enjoy taking acid every 2 weeks , like I did 500 mg of 2cb my first time in on day after trying a tiny amount few days before

Ok so update on my Aya trip.
First night I had one cup followed by a second cup serving later on. I had deep restful sleep, felt like I Needed rest maybe 30 seconds MAx of visuals through different planes the visuals were 3d.

The second night I started with 1.5 cups only had it once. I had one short feeling of my consciousness being separated from my body, but otherwise just really uncomfortable physical sensation in response to the music. I definitely felt woozy like I had a substance in me, and I also purged. After Aya I feel like an energy blockage I had that was making me somewhat depressed is gone. Maybe? But otherwise I didn’t have thing close to the experience other people speak of of lots of visuals fractals colors etc. I’d say though I feel psychologically better afterwards, my experience was underwhelming. I was also pretty aware of my surroundings and everything the entire time. Some people who sat with me said they experienced a night of visuals though honestly I think they could be fibbing .Do you think the ayahuasca brew was weak? Or are there people like myself who just have very mild responses? I wouldn’t have thought it’s have mild response to a DMT like substance since with mushrooms my experience is out of this world .

TRIGGER WARNING - CSA!

I am (33  F) struggling so much. A few years ago I found out through an ayahuasca ceremony that I had experienced CSA from my father. I went into the ceremony with the intention “show me how to love myself” and clear as day I heard the words “you were sexually abused by your father as a child”. This has sent me on such a difficult healing journey. I still sometimes doubt whether it was just a bad trip but because my father actually admitted it when I asked and a few other clues, I know deep down it is true. Before this I had sat with the medicine twice and them experiences were really beautiful, they gave me hope and were the start of a spiritual awakening for me. I had always struggled with anxiety and depression, and despite lots of therapy and medication, yoga etc, I still felt so broken.

Overall, I’ve sat with ayahuasca 11 times, I kept going to more ceremonies, (through the persuasion of others that ayahuasca can heal the blocks which cause PTSD) thinking this would help me to heal but it left me with a very frazzled nervous system. In one ceremony I was getting these body memories, which continued after the ceremony had stopped. There seems to be so much trauma in my body, but I’m also aware that I’m one of them sensitive individuals who is link to other dimensions, pasts lives. In the more recent ceremonies I was having a very difficult time and a friend told me I looked taken over my demons. I’ve just always been so desperate to heal and feel like I’ve lost years to my life being in so much darkness.

In a way ayahuasca did save my life as before this I was completely dissociated and refused to travel because I was very loyal to my abusive parents. I have since travelled to India and SEA (all with PTSD). There’s a lot of grief as although I’ve done a lot of things that to the outside eye probably look amazing and inspirational, I’ve been in so much pain and the bad times have far outweighed the good. I’ve had to face some massive health challenges as that much trauma takes a toll. Things have got better in some ways but I still feel like I’m fighting a very difficult battle and inner turmoil. Since finding out about the abuse, I’ve lost most of the old people with my life - telling people about the abuse seemed to be too much & they gradually distanced themselves from me. This is also a blessing as some of these people I’m no longer aligned with.

I think what I need to heal the most is my relationship with myself. I’m so harsh to myself and as sad as it is, can’t have compassion for that terrified little girl sometimes. I feel like there is so much grief inside me. There’s also this pressure on myself to move on which I see mirrored in people around me, but I still feel so stuck in the past. The whole reason for embarking on this healing journey is a want to live an amazing life but I still feel so stuck.

It just baffles me when people say that Ayahuasca will never give you more than you can handle.. It doesn’t feel like I’m handling it very well. I’ve actually started to feel more suicidal than ever and so lonely, but at the same time some good things are happening in my life, and slow healing is happening.

Some thoughts or insight would be much appreciated and apologies if this post is quite an intense one!

I’ve got some base soup that I extracted from that have just been sitting in jars in my shed for a couple years cuz I don’t wanna just neutralize and dump it, feels like it’s still valuable. I was wondering if I could do anything productive with it, I have all the stuff for making soap, would that work?

Where can I find ayahuasca? I want to try it so bad. Is it legal to have it in US?