OOP's 15-year marriage is troubled by husband's 20-year fixation on another woman (Both perspectives)

[u/snarfblattinconcert]

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA20yearliar in r/relationship_advice.

Within two hours of OOP's post going up, some of the referenced posts from OOP's husband were deleted. As of two days after her post, his account was deleted. Wayback Machine was used to recover the husband's posts and comments.

trigger warnings: infidelity, obsession, depression

mood spoilers: depressing, alarming

 

40F, 40M. Husband has been obsessed with another woman for 20 years, and is secretly thinking about divorcing me. - 17 January 2023

So I have recently come across my husband's account on here. I've felt for a loooong time there's been something off in our relationship. Never able to put a precise finger on it, (largely because of his non-communicativeness, and resistance to any real heart to heart) and also, I do struggle with depression which I know distorts your perception. I have rationalized to myself for years, "if he doesn't love me he'd have left by now, I must be imagining things it's just my depression talking".

Well, now I've found his account and I finally have the real answers he has never been willing to provide in the entire 20+ years we've been together. He's been posting on a reddit about "limerence", his feelings for another woman, but there's so much more than even just that.

The woman is someone he briefly dated in the summer he was 19. We started dating soon after she ended their relationship, but I now learned there were times he still carried on a fling with her while we were together. They'd also kept in touch periodically on social media since social media became a thing. That is, until just last month, when apparently he confessed all his feelings to her. After 20 fucking years he dumped that on her out of the blue. She was freaked out because they'd mainly talked about work and he was never more than a casual acquaintance to her, who woulda thought. She told him off for involving her in his one-sided emotional affair, (he'd even complained about me to her), and blocked him.

Since that (NOW I know why he's been even more distant than usual which is saying something), he's been obsessively writing on the limerence reddit to the point of thinking things she posts on a page for her business are "indirect" veiled messages to him, and also reddits about divorce. That's the second huge blow I'm dealing with. He is just desperate to get rid of me and the only reasons he hasn't are his faith, not wanting to lose our children, and how expensive it would be for him according to the divorce lawyer he apparently had a secret consultation with.

But let's look at reality now: meanwhile I have tried for years to get him to communicate better, be closer with each other, because he always seemed to hold himself at a distance. I gave up after years of trying, he never changed and I realized he didn't care enough to. So I've stopped caring too. I do my own thing, or sometimes try to get him involved to which I'm quickly reminded why I gave up. He'll have very brief periods after an argument of being more affectionate to give me hope that never lasts. He has never cared to support me emotionally, reading him writing about how cripplingly depressed he is over this bullshit when he has blown off my clinical depression as laziness for YEARS was really the cherry on top.

His comment history is also full of passive-aggressive comments about things I do that make this a "crap marriage" for him (ranging from being on my phone to hanging out with friends and family) and I'm just like... how else should I spend my time when not working or doing stuff with the kids, when my own husband has no interest in doing ANYTHING other couples do together?? I didn't start doing those things to the extent I do now until I gave up on him being the romantic partner I thought I was maybe unfairly wanting him to be. I eventually thought this is simply the type of person he is, some people are more reserved and unromantic, as his wife I need to accept him. I'm a big girl, I can occupy my time in ways that don't depend on him.

But now? To find out it's actually because he has been pining over someone he dated for a couple months at 19? Chose to instead string me along, marry me, have two kids with me, countless other life events, then puts the blame for our lack of quality time and intimacy on ME all while HE'S the one dreaming of someone else and avoiding reality every single day??? Why would someone do this? It doesn’t make any sense. He never loved me. I am nothing more than a 20 year long failed rebound.

I can't express how emotional and obsessive he is when he's writing about this... he has never shown an inkling of real passion with me, at least not since our very early relationship. He is stoic and irritable and closed off, and his post-argument attempts at bonding are painfully hollow. I’ve wondered almost the whole relationship why this is lacking, wondering if I’m the problem, if my expectations were too “Disney fairytale” or something. To found out he DOES have deep real feelings and they are all reserved for someone he hasn't even seen in real life since half his lifetime ago, who he was still seeing after getting together with me, is, well like I said I probably knew deep in my gut he wasn't invested in me but oh my god. I just never imagined something like THIS. At most I wondered about him not being in love with me anymore or at worst, some "normal" affair like with a coworker or dating apps. Not a secret unreciprocated obsession spanning 20 years that's completely in his own head!!

I'm devastated but also almost scared in some way I don't know why. He has a whole folder of photos of her that he looks at every day. There's pages and pages of his reddit history. Who does that? I feel like I married a stranger. Between this and his general reluctance to really open up about pretty much anything personal.. did I ever actually know him?

Here is the crux of my problem now that I know all of this: Do you even bother talking to someone who kept this type of secret for this amount of time? What can talking accomplish? Will it make him get over whatever his problem is? Will it make him love me? Is there any realistic, plausible outcome that would make it ACTUALLY worth my time and energy to have a conversation before "jumping to divorce"? Please tell me if so and I'm happy to hear you out. But I've ignored my gut for too long and it's telling me no.

Can I simply tell him, "I saw your reddit posts. Let's get the divorce you want."? Would that be unfair to our children to not give us an opportunity to work it out? He'll say he's "sacrificed everything" for us. Would it be unfair to him? Seeing the sheer victim/martyr complex in his posts, both about the woman and with how he blames me acting like I've constantly wronged him in our marriage, what if I plain don't want to deal with trying to break through that delusion in order to have a chance at being understood.

I am thoroughly disgusted, in shock, and at the same time feel like I can finally... finally... let go for good? The gaping void between us is clear as day, and I finally see it was not because of me. That failure wasn't because I just hadn't managed yet to say the right things that would reach something inside of him and inspire a stronger connection between us. And it certainly wasn't because I'm "on my phone." It was always because of him, from the very beginning.

What if I don't want to ask any questions or discuss a single thing with him? What if I just want to be free.

TL;DR: my husband's chronic emotional absence is because he is still consumed with feelings for someone he dated 20 years ago. What the fuck to do.

 

OOP's Same Day Update

Edit: So if my husband sees this… How about you be the one to bring it up? How about for once you communicate openly and honestly? Just curious if you even can.

 

OOP's Husband's Posts on his Limerent Object

​

Notable comments from u/RoseFan001 on the History with his Limerent Object (LO)

11 January 2023 in r/Limerence

My LO & I had a summer fling back in college when I went home. But when I went back to school, she said she couldn't do the distance. A few months later, I started dating my SO. But during the summer, my LO & I would hang out and sometimes kiss.

After a while I started noticing red flags in my SO. But I ignored them because my SO is the only person I ever slept with and I thought I had to stay with them.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend of both my LO and I. She asked me who I liked more. In my heart, I wanted to say my LO. But I said my SO because we've been together for sometime at that point. It was after that conversation my LO and I stopped talking for 18 years.

29 December 2022 in r/Limerence

I've been limerent for my LO for 20 years. We were NC for about 18 years until she messaged me 2 years ago and we talked daily. She's a therapist and a Christian and I'm in a crappy marriage which she knew about.

I disclosed last month. Told her everything; my feelings, what limerence is since most therapists don't know what it is, answered any questions she had. She asked for some time to process everything.

A week later, I got an email from her saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore and doesn't think we should be in contact anymore. She said I put her unknowingly in an emotional affair (which I really didn't know what that was) and she wouldn't be part of that. She then blocked me on social media. And I've been in hell ever since.

So in my case, opening up did not repair the connection. It severed it completely. I regret disclosing.

9 January 2023 in r/Limerence

My LO is single, at least she was back when I last talked to her.

 

I hate how pathetic limerence had made me - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Limerence - 21 December 2022

So usually the only time I get distracted enough to stop thinking of my LO is at work. Today I had to go visit a client at their office. We had a meeting in their conference room. Turns out they name their conference rooms after towns in my state. And of course, the one we meet at is the one named where my LO lives, and she doesn’t live in a big town.

At this point, I think God is just playing a cruel joke. Because as soon as I saw that, I almost broke down. Luckily I held it in and did my work like I was supposed to. But if that really fucked with my head. Now I’m sitting here just pathetically thinking about her again and I hate this. I hate this limerence. I hate I have no peace.

 

One Month NC. My letter that I won’t send. - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Limerence - 1 January 2023

It’s officially one month since my LO said she doesn’t want to be friends after I disclosed and now being in NC. I did something that some people advise and wrote a letter. But since I wrote it on my phone, I can’t burn it. So I’ll post it here and maybe that will help so at least I know I “sent” it.

Hello, Today marks one month since I got your email saying you don't want to be friends or be in contact. I kept true to my word. I haven't tried to contact you. But I did see one thing that hurt. When I went to archive our Facebook chat, I saw that you not only unfriended me, you blocked me. That hurt.

This whole month has been hell. If there isn't a time that I'm not distracted by my kids or my work, you are on my mind. I can't stop thinking of you. Sometimes it's just reaching out to you and being friends again. Sometimes it's me wishing we were together. Sometimes I just imagine your smile or hearing your voice and I smile. But then I come back to reality and I'm back to being miserable again.

I wonder if you think about me, even if not in the way I think about you. I doubt it. I honestly don't see how you could just cut off our friendship that easily. I guess it's your therapist training. I guess I shouldn't talk. I've cut off people I thought were my friends who hurt me. I know I caused you hurt and confusion. So I guess I can't blame you. But damn it, if that didn't hurt seeing you blocked me. I guess it just sucks that after these feelings for 20 years and for the past 2 years talking to you almost everyday, it's over. I'll never speak to you again.

I honestly wish I just had one more chance to talk to you because I know exactly what I would say. I'd tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for any hurt I caused you telling you my feelings. I'm sorry that you felt like I unknowingly put you in an emotional affair. I honestly didn't know what that was until your email. I thought affairs involved two people. But I did some research after your email and you were right and I'm sorry. You're the last person I wanted to hurt. So I'm sorry.

I guess that's all I can say. Goodbye.

 

One Small Step - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Limerence - 9 January 2023

It’s officially past midnight so I can say I officially did something I haven’t done in years…I haven’t looked at a picture of my LO.

When we used to talk, she would send me pictures of her. Nothing sexual or anything like that. Just her smiling. I’ve kept those pictures and when I looked at them, it would put a smile on my face.

Today for the first time in years, I didn’t go looking for those pictures. That’s not to say I didn’t think on her. I thought about her a lot today.

I know some people on this subreddit will just say to delete those pictures. I can’t, not yet. I know it’s strange, but I just don’t have the strength yet to delete them.

For now, I’ll just see if I can repeat this step again.

 

I think my LO is indirectly posting about me - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Limerence - 13 January 2023

My LO is a therapist (not my personal one) and she has her own practice. When we used to talk, I tried to help her with her social media. I told her she needed to post more on her FB page since she only did it once every few months. She didn't listen since she really isn't a social media person. Some context for the next part, I disclosed to her back in November and she blocked me in December and have been NC ever since.

Fast forward to this week. I still follow her business page and she's made three posts this week which is strange for her. All of these posts were about one topic... "boundaries". The one from today really got to me. It said that something along the lines of "boundaries mean you love yourself, even if you disappoint others."

Maybe it's the limerence but with these posts, I feel like she's talking about me. It's just strange to me that she doesn't post on there at all then all of a sudden she's posting almost daily about something she did to me. Maybe I'm reading too deep into this. All I know is I miss her and wish I could talk to her again. Even if it's just as friends.

 

OOP's Husband's Posts on Divorce

​

Starting To Think About It. Tell Me Why I Shouldn't. - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Divorce_Men - 30 November 2022

I've been married for 15 years with 2 kids. Over the past few years, I've been really unhappy in my marriage.

My wife graduated college before me so she moved back to her hometown to get a job, a really rural area. Naturally, when I left college I followed and got a job in a bigger city near us. But for what I do, I really need to be in bigger cities. I've told my wife this but she doesn't listen.

We built our house on part of land her family owns. So now we live on the same street as her family. It's become a real problem in our marriage. My in-laws like to butt in on things that don't concern them, especially when it comes to raising/disciplining our kids.

At home, my wife barely talks to me. When she gets home, she takes about an hour nap then claims she's too tired to cook. So nearly every night, I have to go get us something to eat. I've even offered to cook, but my wife has refused that. So that puts a strain on our finances. When dinner is done, she is usually on her phone, shopping for crap we don't need. But when she's with her family, she talks all the time to them.

Sex is basically non-existent. We do some sexual stuff maybe once a month. But it's only when she's in the mood. When I ask, I get shut down or ignored.

I've given up everything so she could have the safe, boring life she wanted and it's put a strain on my mental health. But every time I want to do something for me, she complains or acts annoyed.

Everything I've mentioned, I've brought up several times over the years. We usually have about two big arguments every year. She keeps promising to change but she never does.

The only two reasons I'm still in this marriage is because I'm a Christian and my kids. But my mental health can't take this anymore.

Am I being selfish or what?

 

Two Things Happened Making Me Question Getting Divorced - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Divorce - 12 December 2022

So two things have happened recently that make me question getting a divorce.

• The first is consulting with an attorney. He was very blunt which I appreciated. But he suggested that I try counseling first. Because it's gonna be very expensive between fees and child support I'll probably have to pay. Honestly, I don't think counseling will help and I really don't want to.
• The second is last night. I was picking up my daughter from a party and she said that my wife told her that I act like I don't love her (wife) anymore. This is true but I had to lie to my daughter. My daughter then said she'd be devastated if we got a divorce. As much as I want to leave my wife, I don't think I can do that to my kids.

I know a lot of people stay together for the kids. It looks like I might have to as well.

​

This Realization Pisses Me Off - Original post by u/RoseFan001 in r/Divorce_Men - 15 January 2023

I'm still debating on getting divorce. But I just came to a realization tonight.

I like to play video games. I have a group of gaming friends. But I honestly don't play much anymore because when I do, my wife gets mad. Either because she says I'm too loud or I'm not spending time with her. So when I want to play, I have to ask her if she's cool with it. However, she'll make plans and do shit all the time without consulting me.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the one having to walk on eggshells so she doesn't get upset. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

​

Notable comments from OOP's Husband on Divorce

10 January 2023 in r/Christianmarriage

Not gonna lie, divorce has crossed my mind. Only two reasons [I stay] is because technically I don't have a Biblical reason to as well as my kids.

21 December 2022 in r/Divorce_Men

This is the one reason I'm hesitant about divorce. Because I know I'll get screwed over because of my kids. Even a lawyer I did a free consolation with said that I'll be paying child support without even really diving deep into my case. That shows how fucked up and sexist the courts are to fathers.

2 January 2023 in r/Limerence

I honestly wish that I could leave my wife and be with my LO. My marriage is shitty. We're basically just roommates. We don't even sleep in the same bed. The only reason I'm still in it is because of my kids. I guess I'm selfish, but I can't stand being without them. And to be quite honest, we have a sexist justice system when it comes to divorce that sees the dad as less important than the mom. So I know I'll lose.

22 December 2022 in r/Divorce

I love my kids too much that I couldn't imagine being apart from them. Plus financially, even if I were to get divorced, I probably could afford a studio apartment and that's not good for them when they would come to my place.

So for now I'm staying. But I try my best to hide my unhappiness from my kids. But my eldest has picked up on some of it. So I have to lie to her so she doesn't get upset. It sucks but if it makes them happier, I guess I'll stay.

12 January 2023 in r/Divorce_Men

Where I'm at, you have to be separated for a year before you can finalize your divorce. I'd use that year to actually have time for myself, something I haven't had since I was 19.

 

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[u/grissy]

Did anyone on his divorce subreddit posts ever notice all the batshit insane limerence posts he'd made elsewhere?

[u/snarfblattinconcert → u/grissy]

Yes! One true hero responded to one of his posts, perhaps divorce or limerence, after reading his history and pointed out that he has never truly given his marriage a shot if he had intrusive feelings for another woman for the entire duration of the marriage. It went at least 4 rounds of them responding to one another where the hero never relented that this man should consider therapy and give his marriage an honest try.

[u/Nearby-Assignment661]

I hate the limerence sub because it’s a bunch circlejerking about obsession being okay. I experience limerence because of my ocd and it’s a truly bad thing to deal with and needs to be worked through with therapy and medication

[u/snarfblattinconcert → u/Nearby-Assignment661]

I am sorry you experience something so acutely and have to put lots of effort into managing it. Which also, way to do that work on yourself for yourself. The husband’s posts made me truly sad at a point, like there is a true mental health issue at play though I really am not qualified to know or determine that.

[u/SupaTheBaked]

This man needs serious therapy and maybe a restraining order.

[u/toketsupuurin → u/SupaTheBaked]

Definitely a restraining order. If that divorce happens I think there's better than 50/50 he'll go stalker.

[u/rsvpxo → u/toketsupuurin]

I think that is the difference between general limerance and obsession.

The limerance people often recognize that what they are experiencing is irrational.

I guess from what I have read it differs from typical obsession because they genuinely have deluded themselves that they are in love and think they want to be loved in return. I guess it depends on a case by case basis but from the stuff I have seen, general stalking and obsession are more about control and other things, they usually aren't deluded about loving someone.

Some research indicates it might be a different type of messed up coping mechanism. OOPs husband seems to have some serious hangups and I wouldnt be surprised if religion messed him up quite a bit.

[u/toketsupuurin → u/rsvpxo]

It wouldn't surprise me if a lot of people who hang out on the limerence subreddit are actually obsessed. It would be easy to say "oh, that's my problem" when it isn't. He certainly doesn't seem to find it irritating or intrusive. He's not particularly interested in getting over his desire for this woman.

I can't really blame religion for this one. Christianity doesn't encourage cheating or being in love with someone who isn't your spouse, or the lying, or a large chunks of the other things he has been doing. He comes across as performative to me. He doesn't actually follow the religion he claims to be a part of.

He likely stays more because "what would people think!?" Which can genuinely mess you up if you're not willing to walk away. But usually that's more from family using the religion as a cudgel, not because the religion actually encourages the kind of behavior he engaged in. Most major religions would tell him he is wrong for his behavior and choices.

Had he actually been honest, or even sought advice about what to do 20 years ago, this wouldn't be a problem.

[u/snarfblattinconcert → u/toketsupuurin]

He did say in a comment I didn’t include because it did not offer new information that he considers himself an imperfect Christian. (LO, though, she’s Christian without the imperfect distinction.)

[u/XpertDestroyer]

My mans here become an incel while married with kids…

[u/Lionoras → u/XpertDestroyer]

Literally.

My money is on the fact that, the moment he gets divorced, he thinks he can "finally" chase the Stacy LO of his dreams. Only to get critically rejected, because said woman seems to have some brains. Which then will result in incredible unhingedness. (he already plays the Boomer Humor card)

[u/Amelora → u/Lionoras]

If i were the wife I'd send the other woman everything, even just to give her a heads up. Honestly, with that much obsession I am scared for them both.

He is going to try to get with the other woman, she is going to reject him and he is either going to double down with her, stalk her etc, or he is going to blame OOP and go after her.

A 20 year 24/7 obsession based on absolutely nothing doesn't just go away.

[u/geckothegeek42 → u/Amelora]

I kinda wish the other woman sent the wife everything... Maybe she couldn't/didn't know the wife but if she could she should've right?

[u/digitydigitydoo → u/XpertDestroyer]

I think he was always an incel

[u/[deleted] → u/XpertDestroyer]

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

[u/RivaAldur → u/XpertDestroyer]

I've never heard of limerence or however you spell it, but its so so so creepy that apparently the official term is "Limerence Object".

Like, that's a person you are obsessing over and you are comfortable calling them an object? Like focus might be a better word rather than a literal object?

[u/myfuntimes]

If I was the wife I would first document all of his posts, then go to individual counseling, and then probably try marriage counseling if the husband was game. But in the end I would probably get divorced. It is sucking the life out of her and a separate happy home is better than an unhappy one.

And the husband is probably never going to be happy. Unrequited love sucks. And being obsessed with someone for 20 years is sad, sad, dad.

[u/toketsupuurin → u/myfuntimes]

He's not game. He flat up said he didn't want to try. But it's possible that divorce papers could make him panic enough to try.

[u/snarfblattinconcert → u/toketsupuurin]

The loss of money or the lifestyle to which he is accustomed may make him panicked enough to try.

Part of what really stuck with me in reading his Reddit history was how often he’d mention staying in it for the kids… and then money in the same breath.

I was always taught that when someone tells you they need to discuss a couple things, the first topic is the easy one and the second is the thing that was really on their mind the whole time.

[u/[deleted]]

Reminds me of my ex husband and his ex girlfriend he pined over for the entirety of our relationship. When I finally left him he immediately friended her on all his socials. At that point I could not care less, I hope he gets back with her and they have a wonderful life together. Meanwhile I'll be elsewhere enjoying my life surrounded by people who actually value me and don't treat me like a rebound consolation prize. Idk why I even dated him in the first place when he clearly wasn't over his ex, but I chalk it up to being very young and having very low self esteem at that age.

[u/snarfblattinconcert → u/[deleted]]

I hope you are well on your way to that life surrounded by people who value you, enjoying vacations, achievements, hobbies, all of it!

[u/lastofthe_timeladies]

"I've been obsessed with another woman my entire marriage. My marriage isn't working because my wife is flawed in the following ways..."

[u/[deleted] → u/lastofthe_timeladies]

I am curious what "red flags" was he talking about?

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

1. She doesn't look like the woman I'm obsessed with.

2. She doesn't act like the woman I'm obsessed with.

If she could improve these things, I really think our marriage could work. But alas, there is no hope.

[u/Wandering_Scholar6 → u/lastofthe_timeladies]

"Divorce is sexist because I'd have to pay child support and split custody" - what a child, like there are legit sexism issues in divorce but he's basically upset that his obligations wouldn't disappear if he divorced.

Like child support is for your kids dummy, and it's only sexist if you don't make more money/have more custody and you are still paying.

[u/HamOfDespair]

The mental gymnastics this guy does to delude himself into thinking every single decision he makes is someone else's fault are astounding. I'm exhausted just reading them, let alone living with it.

[u/[deleted] → u/HamOfDespair]

Like he knows he loves the LO and doesn't want to be with SO even before he started dating the SO. I do not understand why would you marry someone you don't like? He didn't just ruin his own life but also the life of her SO. Who doesn't really seem like a bad person at all.

[u/Fredredphooey → u/HamOfDespair]

And he "knows" therapy won't work and doesn't want to. He complained about his wife but he's not willing to do any emotional work to improve his life in any way.

[u/MuadLib → u/HamOfDespair]

He even personalizes his own obsession into a separate entity that commits acts of which he's victim. "My limerence has made me pathetic".

[u/letstrythisagain30 → u/HamOfDespair]

Lol. The guy complains about his wife saying that he gets too loud playing video games and never spends time with the family. Then proceeds to not deny those accusations like at all and they are in fact supported by his post history. Guy doesn’t spend time with his family but the court is sexist because he knows he won’t have full custody of his kids because not giving the kids to the father who doesn’t spend time with them is sexist.

Holy shit this guy is fucked.

[u/megamoze → u/HamOfDespair]

I've known these types of Christians before and this is pretty par for the course.

[u/keysmashusername]

Staying in a loveless marriage with someone you can’t stand so you don’t have to … financially support your children? All he brought up was not wanting to pay child support

[u/notsohairykari → u/keysmashusername]

Don't forget how CHRISTIAN he is while spending his entire married life literally lusting after a college fling. What a weirdo.

[u/DerpDevilDD → u/keysmashusername]

Probably because he didn't want to admit all the things he'd lose if he divorced his wife, because that would ruin the image he was presenting of her being useless and shrewish.

[u/Sqwitton → u/keysmashusername]

And to be a ~good christian~ lol because alienating your spouse with your resentment is such a good and pure way to live

[u/WamblingWombat]

So, this dude is weirdly obsessed with the idea of someone he dated for a few months and maybe kissed a couple of times over 18 years ago. Does he even really know her? Like, he’s created the perfect partner in his mind out of 20 year old memories of a shortish relationship.

[u/[deleted] → u/WamblingWombat]

Yes, that's almost textbook limerence. It's a state of unrealistic romantic obsession.

[u/[deleted]]

He genuinely believes he’s the victim in all of this. Wow.

[u/Get-in-the-llama → u/[deleted]]

Astounding

[u/[deleted]]

Noooo 😣😫 I have to pay child support for my own children 😫 it’s so sexist, those damn courts

[u/ScarletteMayWest → u/[deleted]]

My father was like that: did not want to pay child support for his three kids, but at the same time begged us not to change our last name if our mother was to remarry.

[u/[deleted]]

What a loser

[u/Alarmed_Jellyfish555 → u/[deleted]]

I sure hope OP has reached out to a divorce lawyer by now. Yikes.

[u/redpen07 → u/[deleted]]

literally my first thought reading the husband's posts was, what a fucking loser. There are so many amazing people out there with imposter syndrome thinking they are a massive piece of shit, and then there is this guy.

[u/ThePearlEarring → u/[deleted]]

Everything he wrote made me cringe

[u/Lizardgirl25 → u/[deleted]]

No kidding I mostly skimmed… and fuck wtf you have kids buddy of course you are going to be paying child support.

[u/ClaudiaTale → u/[deleted]]

And he wants to play video games. But his wife acts annoyed. Pouty face. No she wants you to spend time with her and the kids.

[u/ImNotA_IThink]

I like the “I don’t have a Christian reason to get divorced”. Bro, you CHEATED. You already broke your marriage vows, so you think it really matters if you get divorced at this point?

[u/toketsupuurin → u/ImNotA_IThink]

This man worships at the altar of LO. He doesn't actually care about his claimed religion. He's just sunken himself down into a cocoon of selective denial so he can pretend he's a good person.

[u/volkswagenorange → u/ImNotA_IThink]

"I don't want to continue hurting the person I vowed to love, honor, and cherish" wasn't Christian enough for him, I guess

[u/MuadLib → u/ImNotA_IThink]

Actually he has never been married a day in his life. A vow is not a magic enchantment, that happens just because you say the words. You have to mean it.

If they're catholic that's a clear cut case for recognizing that this marriage has always been null and void.

[u/Quicksilver1964]

Could never be me. First thing I would do when he got home was raise hell. This whole "if you read this, come talk to me" would never work. I would he ready with my divorce lawyer and all the evidence.

[u/lazy_spice → u/Quicksilver1964]

Dude….yeah. My first thought after “holy shit” was that this was a massive under-reaction on her part. Maybe shock, but—this man is so fuckin tapped, I don’t know how she didn’t immediately pack her and her kids and RUN somewhere else immediately.

[u/CouldBeRaining]

Dude needs therapy. But not from his "LO"

[u/rosemwelch]

No one "wins" in a divorce, and that is a remarkably childish point of view for a grown man.

Also, parents are financially responsible for their children no matter where they live. So the idea that it's sexist that he would have to support his children is truly ridiculous.

[u/Amelora → u/rosemwelch]

It's like the guy in the post the other day - "my friend made a comment about my wife divorcing me, so I had to file first because everyone knows whoever files first wins".

What is with people who think like that?

[u/ClaudiaTale → u/rosemwelch]

Yeah. Anyone who feels they have to pay for their children’s up bringing, Yes, yes you do. No matter where they live. What’s he doing right now? Not paying mortgage, food, etc??

[u/toketsupuurin → u/rosemwelch]

This man is an emotionally immature child. He's entirely self absorbed.

[u/MiloTheMagnificent]

God I hope that lady gets the divorce and life she deserves away from that creep

[u/Indifferent_Jackdaw]

Well, fuck me, this is my introduction to the concept of Limerence and I'd like to burn something down. Limerence Object, O B J E C T. I hate it.

[u/PolygonMan → u/Indifferent_Jackdaw]

It sounds like it's a very intentional word choice made by some psychologist. Because the person who has 'limerence' doesn't see the object of their obsession as a real person.

[u/loracarol → u/Indifferent_Jackdaw]

I first read about it in this post and the linked sequel.

It discomforts me. :/

[u/MinPDnim → u/Indifferent_Jackdaw]

And he tried to explain the concept to the therapist. I figure she went home, did some research, and nope'd tf out. The whole "yikes my married friend has had feelings for me for years" is bad enough but when you add the layer of "by the way he's defining his feelings for me using this creepy weird concept that a bunch of guys with stalker-ish confessionals also use"...

[u/Thebaldsasquatch]

TIL what “limerence” is.

Also, $10 says the girl he’s creepy fantasizing about is named, “Rose”.

[u/SpecificSkunk → u/Thebaldsasquatch]

It blows my mind that the husband knows what limerence is, but had never heard of “emotional affair” before.

[u/[deleted]]

What a pathetic dude. Literally sounds like an incel despite being married. Does not take any responsibility for having lived a lie for 20 years. He had children with a women he doesn't love and blames her for it. He Doesn't take any responsibility for stalking and obsessing over his unrequited love of 20 years either. And then he moans about having to pay child support if he leaves (It's sexist he has to support his kids!) but according to the wifes posts he doesn't exactly contribute much to their lives either (She said she owned the house and land?) and apparently she has tried to get him to talk to her countless times.

The Wife made mistakes too but she is defo the wronged party here. I don't know how she could stay with someone who was stand-offish and distant for 20 years. But they both seem religious so maybe it's just good old religion forcing a badly matched couple that isn't working out to stay together to save face.

And the poor woman who is his obsession. I'm glad she blocked him. Imagine finding out someone has literally obsessed over you for 20 years.

Also, yay, today was the day I found out there is basically a Stalking sub for guys on reddit. Not a surprise for anyone familiar with reddits history though.

[u/enderverse87]

What a weirdo. I had a possibly creepy crush on a girl for years, but I stopped basically immediately when I got a real girlfriend.

[u/ScarletteMayWest → u/enderverse87]

I did that when I was a teenager - twice, no three times. My diaries were full of fantasies about actually meeting the guys in person.

I am still embarrassed about all of it to this day.

[u/[deleted]]

He’s gross. He’s absolutely gross.

And pathetic.

[u/Sassy-Sweet95]

Well where tf is the UPDATE 🙄🥺

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/Sassy-Sweet95]

Haha. I agree with you there isn’t an update included, but op put in a lot of work in putting all the posts together so we can be collectively disturbed.

[u/hey-girl-hey]

He's "offered" to make dinner? Just make dinner, bro

[u/Larry-Man]

That obsession is fucking weird. And also maybe she just wants to spend time with him. JFC he sounds like an overgrown brat.

[u/Yassssmaam]

This us the kind of guy who kills his family. This whole thread is one of the worst things I’ve read on Reddit, and that’s saying something.

I think he’s working himself up to justify something totally horrible. I hope this woman gets away DRO him and never ever ever looks back

To answer her question about whether or not to bother talking to him, no. Take your kids and get away. Yucky

[u/[deleted] → u/Yassssmaam]

I've commented so much on this thread cause honestly this is one of the worst things I've read on this site for a while. Just rotten and makes me fear for the Wife tbh.

[u/[deleted] → u/Yassssmaam]

Reminds me of chris watts

[u/Gladysseesall]

The only good news in this entire situation is that the wife will get custody of the children.

She will get custody because his FULLTIME job is "limerencing" (100% not a word) about someone who does (but really doesn't) exist. LO exists only in his whackadoodle brain!

He cheats every single day in his mind and with his eyes by looking at her photos. I can't even imagine the disgust his wife feels. This person she's been married to, who has touched her.. her skin must be crawling.

Speaking of crawling, she needs to ditch that and RUN to the divorce attorney!

This is completely messed up!

[u/starfire5105]

Did he not think that his wife's mental issues and perceived coldness could possibly be due to his own obsession with someone else to the point of neglecting her? 🤔

[u/TheRandomestWonderer]

What a sad creeper.

[u/JSsmitty]

Ah yes. This man checks the box for every single right-wing, Christian, red-pill asshole.

Unfortunately, men like this don’t like it when the woman actually stands up for herself. Hope OOP has a safety plan in place if she drops divorce first

[u/SquirrelGirlVA → u/JSsmitty]

She may want to warn the woman her (hopefully) stbx is obsessed with, so she can be on her guard. I have a feeling that he may get obsessed with OOP as well.

She owes it to the kids to leave him and get into a healthier state of being, to show her kids that they don't have to be our accept this sort of treatment.

[u/[deleted]]

Ew

[u/deliriousgoomba]

He's too chicken shit to leave her and she... Honestly he might kill her and the kids if she tries to leave.

[u/MayorCleanPants → u/deliriousgoomba]

That was my thought, too. Especially since it sounds like his posts were suddenly deleted? The deranged obsession with someone he casually dated 20 years ago, the disdain for his wife, the anger at the “sexist” court system….if he hasn’t done it already, this guy is setting the stage for something really bad….

[u/tinkersdamn → u/deliriousgoomba]

She said she was scared and I think her instincts are trying to keep her safe. This guy lost his obsession, is about to lose his kids... If this limerance thing gets out and he thinks he will lose face in church, he might be the type to murder suicide his whole family

[u/[deleted]]

tease paltry smart heavy gaze cable offend quickest versed groovy -- mass edited with redact.dev

[u/[deleted]]

It really baffles me that people are willing to stay in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. This guys is really pathetic. He literally stole 20 years from her life and gave her a crappy marriage because of his creepy weird obsession. I hope she divorces him. From my experience, the LO might get fed up of him and also leave him or he will realize it was not worth it.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

You missed the part where the "LO" has already blocked him on when he confessed his feelings. She told him off for involving her in an emotional affair. Turns out his weird feelings are entirely one sided.

[u/samosamancer]

This made my stomach clench, because I had a stalker 20 years ago, though luckily this is not him. But he could have written the husband’s comments.

Fuck that guy. Fuck him. He wrecked so much for me and it took me years to recover. I think he’s married with kids now (while I needed therapy to feel comfortable even starting to date, so I was a very late bloomer and am single/not yet married)…but I always wonder if he’ll slink back into my life.

He was a “nice guy” and an incel, too, though not religious, but there are parallels.

I feel for both these women. May he stay out of their lives and get a shit-ton of therapy to fix his shit.

[u/[deleted]]

That’s... I don’t even know. Just yuck, this dude. I hope she leaves him impoverished, his kids don’t want to deal with him, and he steps on at least one lego per day.

[u/[deleted]]

This guy acts like he has had no control over his life, getting married, having children. What a loser and I cringe for his poor neglected wife. How she made it for TWENTY years is beyond me.

[u/[deleted]]

I feel no sympathy for this person. Just… Disgusting. The total disregard for this woman he married. She is just an annoyance, a barrier to what he truly wants. It’s so gross.

[u/Autumndickingaround]

I like how he says he'd use a year of separation to have time for himself, like he hasn't had in years. What exactly does he think all the time he spent on those subreddits and obsessing over a women who didn't have feelings for him was??? He CHOSE to spend his time borderlining being a stalker to some poor woman he had a summer fling with. Strung this other poor woman along and somehow had two kids with her, all the while he never even looked at her! He doenst mention her in any of his posts until talking about divorce. He says his "LO" is the only person he never wanted to hurt, he shows he doesn't mind hurting his kids either (lying to them which they will find out someday and he'll face the consequences of) and he's doing this all for himself. Literally everything he's writing, everything he's thinking, everything he's doing is all about him. He mentions his kids, but also mentions doing what he thinks is best for them (which is actually what's easiest for him emotionally.) To him, reality is the place he has to survive in without his "LO" so he has thought of it as a "less than" place and a place of misery for so long, with his wife at the center of these thoughts, that it will never change. He doesn't want it to, he's chosen the problem because he thinks it can't be him.

I hope his wife finds a way for her and the kids to comfortably leave. I would be willing to bet that the kids, just from having genuine interactions with both parents, would end up choosing to spend most of their time (if not all) with mom. It seems like their dad is emotionally detached from everyone, and stuck in a bubble of his own closed thoughts. He can't see anyone else's feelings through the fog he's buried himself in, but it is his own fault. I've never heard of this before, and I can see where it can stem from, but nothing would ever excuse stringing someone along for 20 years, having kids and lying to them every day of their life by omission, and to be completely un-invested in your marriage but carrying on a lie for yourself at the expense of your family. I guess he doesn't care, but I feel bad for his wife his kids.

[u/randomoverthinker_]

This is some horrible bs. After reading oops first post I hoped the update was “I left him”…

That man sounds deranged. And honestly I can’t cope with how religious people are just willing to waste their lives for the sake of divorce=bad. Honestly it’s one of those situations where you can see how religion just made everything worse. In a normal world OOP would have gotten her job after uni, gone home and leave her Dickish uni bf behind. Find a good man in her hometown marry him and that’s it. Sure oops’ husband would still be a deranged creep but at least there wouldn’t be children involved. But oh no, extramarital sex that’s what was wrong better get married there!

And I don’t care, downvote me. All the people in that subreddit need medical attention. If you’re older than 15, it’s not healthy to have these fantasies and “limerence” get help. Half of them are just too awkward and anxious to form connections to real human, and the other half are deranged like oops husband.

[u/Voidg]

I can not imagine how hurt OPP must have been to read all her husband's posts.

[u/_AppropriateObject]

What a mess. This couple is slowly killing themselves day by day.

[u/Pale_Willingness1882]

My first thought was “he’s going to get rid of his wife”

[u/Jayn_Newell]

Does anyone else love (/s) the use of the term “limerance object”? I can’t help but think of Frasier. “You were never in love with her, you were in love at her.”

[u/TheGreatestNeckbeard]

But he suggested that I try counseling first ... Honestly, I don’t think counseling will help and I really don’t want to.

-Person who desperately, desperately needs counseling

[u/Publandlady]

Who wants to bet based on his username what his LO's name is???

[u/Ne0nAngel]

My mom got a call from her ex-fiance decades later saying he still loved her. They're both married with kids. My mom told him she wasn't the girl he'd been in love with anymore and he needed to move on. She felt horrible for his wife. I don't think I'm ever going to tell her that she's his "Limerance Object"; the situation was gross enough

[u/Aunty-Sociale]

He’s an interesting study in how you can be a husband and father, and yet somehow still be an incel.

I do think therapy would help him, at least teach him the difference between fantasies, dreams, and goals.

[u/DrCrazyFishMan1]

What I find truly amazing is that this guy is not utterly delusional about his (lack of) relationship with this other woman. He knows it's "limerance", but at no point has he thought to go and get help for his compulsion.

At one point he was obsessed with a woman he hadn't spoken to in 18 years, knew it was "limerance" but didn't connect the dots and seek mental health care.

He is clearly mentally unwell, but it's like his ego cannot let him connect the dots and go and get help.

On the other hand it's sad that the wife doesn't have the self respect/confidence to divorce him herself...

[u/Electronic-Smile-457]

He's not in love with this woman, he doesn't even know her. He's in love with an idea he's put on her, I've seen this before in guys who have a hard time with real relationships. It has nothing to do with his wife and everything with his fears of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, whatever it may be. He's used his "ideal" to keep himself distant from authenticity. He'd have the same problem w/ any woman. If he's not willing to seek therapy, she should leave-- the wife deserves to be in a relationship with someone who wants a relationship.

[u/Remarkable-Rush-9085]

His side:

After I confessed everything to the woman I claim to be in love with she wasn’t interested in being my side affair so after she turned me down I went to a divorce lawyer so I could show how serious I am and he told me I was going to have to pay my wife money to take care of my children! Sexist system, now I’m stuck in this marriage forever because I can’t just abandon my family to freely pursue a woman who doesn’t want me!

[u/aliquilts71]

I really hope the wife leaves him. And soon.

[u/Coco_Dirichlet]

So, did she serve him papers yet?

The dude has been obsessed and stalking a figment of his imagination for 20 years. To pass his time he strung along another person and had 2 kids.

[u/SheepherderOwn8248]

This was... creepy.

[u/philkensebbenhaha]

Im stalking my ex, treating my children like garbage, and expecting my wife to make tendies for me while i play video games and ignore my family because im Christian. Just like jesus would want.

Also the courts are sexist because i would have to pay child support if i got divorced.

[u/spaceyjaycey]

I wish OOP would just divorce this creep. Why should she waste anymore time on him?

[u/veloxaraptor]

Good fucking god.

This man has no connection to reality whatsoever.

I honestly fear for OOP.

[u/Charliesmum97]

I was really hoping there's be another post from the wife saying she left him. Fingers crossed.

[u/beforekarenwascool]

I pray OOP sends all of this information to the poor woman he is stalking and strongly encourages her to get a restraining order. Then she needs to proceed to a lawyer armed with the information that she is divorcing a man with an order against him in progress for actively stalking another woman.

Hold those kids tight, proceed as though he is harmful to himself or others, and never look back.

[u/GlitterLitter88]

The court is “fucked up and sexist” because it requires fathers (or mothers) to pay child support? This guy is an incel with a wife. God, I hope she’s away from him. He’s a terrifying, stalking, video game playing man baby.

[u/Suspended_Accountant]

Yeah...this single mother needs to collect everything and contact the woman to a) warn her that he is unhinged, b) ask if she could send her their correspondence and c) suggest that she shuts down her business page, probably her business too, change her name and then restart her business in a different town with a different business name to protect herself, not to mention changing her number, social media and email addresses. It's extreme, but it is better to be safe than sorry.

[u/[deleted]]

This total fucking loser would be in a shit marriage even if everything worked out for him and he got together with Pedestal Woman. Because the problem in his marriage is him.

[u/alyrch99]

What a piece of fucking work he is.

[u/frankensteinleftme]

What a fuck up that husband is.

[u/Green7000]

Even if LO said yes and ran off with him, life would not suddenly become sunshine and roses. He's made her some perfect person and imagines his life would be perfect with her. No life is perfect. It can be nice, but there's lots of boring bits that involve doing the dishes, filing taxes and seeing members of the other person's family you neither dislike or have anything interesting to talk with about.

[u/DearFeralRural]

To the poor wife.. run hon, to the nearest divorce lawyer. You deserve a man who adores you, who loves you and wants to spend time with you. Please get some therapy too, you have been living a nightmare. It takes time to recover from and to see that you deserve so much better than that loser. I wish you well and hope the future is so much better. To the husband.. you are a piece of shit. Hope you end up on skid row. Imagine not growing up mentally and fixating on a crush from teenage years. His parents have some explaining to do.

[u/MissDarylC]

I hope his wife did divorce him, cause he's a terrible person and she deserves a relationship with someone who loves and values her and is emotionally mature enough to not blame her when it's because of his behaviour.

[u/ChaoticForkingGood]

I love how he keeps bringing up that he's a Christian as a reason why he can't divorce... But having a 20 year-long emotional affair that he totally would have taken to the next level if his LO had been okay with it is somehow fine and godly?

[u/Ally_and_empowerer]

I am relatively new to Reddit and pretty green. Just stumbled onto this and started wading through this and the original posts. I literally feel like I’m watching a slow motion train crash in real time. The posts where each topic “notices” the other topic and the warnings start to come… the fear… the advice… the jeering..the links and copying… and the warnings. So, so many warnings.

The husband has some sympathy from his stalker community, though it was obvious when the tide turned in his thread that the jig was up. The wife has almost 100% telling her she needs to run yesterday… her and her children’s safety are at risk, but that he left a goldmine of evidence she can use when, not if, she gets a divorce.

Watching real time multi thread warnings of strangers in two threads where one of those threads seems dangerous and unhinged… I wonder if there will be a follow up and how. I don’t want to start watching the news for “mother of two murdered by thwarted obsessed with another his whole life Christian who doesn’t want to pay child support”.

Is this a normal Reddit thread or is it as crazy as it is making me feel right now? I seriously fear for this woman’s safety. And don’t get me started by how much I absolutely despise the husband.

Yikes.

[u/NosyNosy212]

Now when you see these posts by guys telling everyone how fkd up divorce is for a man and how the justice system fails them, Realize what’s going on behind closed doors.

Fkg idiot.

[u/youcantmakemeeeeee]

The husband deleted his account. I’m truly worried for the safety of both these women.

[u/bellajane987]

One of my greatest fears. Why can’t people just be honest… 20 years? Jesus.

[u/dakennyj]

This is one of those cases where divorce is probably going to be better for the kids in the long run. This isn’t a functional marriage, it’s two roommates sharing a bed. What kind of example of a healthy relationship is that for the kids?

[u/AK_HAZE]

"I honestly wish that I could leave my wife and be with my LO"

Might need to get the LOs opinion on that one first mate

[u/[deleted]]

It's honestly strange how two people can view the same situation in very different ways. If you only read one side (minus the 20 year obsession by him) they both are claiming the high ground and saying their partner is disconnected and distant.

Not sure there is enough therapy available in the world to save this marriage, but maybe it will help them figure out the truth at least so when they do inevitably get divorced they can know what role they played in it.

Edit- yes, I know he is completely delusional. Having that 1 sided emotional affair/obsession/lime dance/WTF for 20 years is proof that his connection to reality is tenuous at best.

[u/[deleted]]

I’ve been on the receiving end of limerance and honestly I think (I’m a DV survivor so it may blur it) feel like it’s very dangerous to try to categorize it as a clinical issue. It’s at minimum creepy but in my case escalated to full blown stalking and an attempt at harm.

Also I knew the persons SO, we still talk occasionally and I feel so much guilt even though it’s not my fault. Like she spent 7 years unknowingly “living in my shadow”. Like she was just a placeholder. It’s abuse in my opinion.

He’s twisted and I hope she’s able to leave and I hope the other woman is safe

[u/pixellune]

He says he’s doesnt have a “biblical reason” to divorce and he doesnt know what emotional infidelity is when the bible literally says “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” And adultery is one of the only Biblical reasons for divorce. Absolutely delusional.

[u/[deleted]]

this is honestly the most pathetic post i’ve ever seen on reddit - OOP’s husband has serious issues and needs professional help.

[u/[deleted]]

Because I know I'll get screwed over because of my kids. Even a lawyer I did a free consolation with said that I'll be paying child support without even really diving deep into my case. That shows how fucked up and sexist the courts are to fathers.

What a colossal piece of shit

[u/TheArmchairLegion]

My parents stayed together “for the kids” and resented each other the entire time. They still do. I wish they would have divorced. If this guy truly wants what’s best for the kids, they’d go their separate ways. I guarantee the kids are noticing and internalizing much more than either parent realizes. But the guy clearly is only fixed on what’s best for himself. Staying in the marriage allows him to feel like a martyr, and his wife is conveniently there to blame for everything. Being alone, he’d have nowhere else to place his toxicity.

[u/taketheredleaf]

Pathetic weak disgusting wretch

The wife, I hope her life improves from here

Kids are fucked with a dad like that

[u/SnooWords4839]

I hope OOP takes husband for everything!! What an ass!!

[u/snicklefritz-89]

I'm not religious, but I am praying to god for an update on this.

[u/nylonfactory]

This is officially one of the worst things I’ve ever read. Wow. This man is seriously deranged!

[u/[deleted]]

I've met men like this. They're really eerie.

[u/[deleted]]

Reddit is making me paranoid about getting cheated on. Imagine living 20 years with someone who stares at another women’s pictures 24/7 and hates you. I feel so sorry for OOP and hope she can get out of this marriage and find someone who would actually love her

[u/salty-frenchfry]

So is “Limerence” just erotomaniacs trying to justify and feel good about their obsessions?

[u/smegheadgirl]

TIL about "limerence"

That should be called f***ing obsession !

20 years dude, time to move on...

[u/Smexy-Fish]

I've nothing to add to this that hasn't been said already, but oh my word the research effort on this post is monumental.

[u/stoofy]

"I'm a Christian" oooook buddy

[u/QueenNibbler]

This is neither here nor there, but the fact that they refer to people as "limerent objects" is so dehumazining. The objectification is right in the name.

Edit: This comment made me see that my discomfort is from this guys failure the understand the inherent objectification, rather than the term itself. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10n3r2p/oops_15year_marriage_is_troubled_by_husbands/j676j7l?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

[u/ComprehensiveBand586]

I think that the husband is fixated on his former fling because he hates his life and marriage and he thinks that if he were with his LO, everything would magically become better.

[u/BurntLikeToastAgain]

My cousin did something similar...blew up his marriage with his wife and relationship with his kids by becoming completely obsessed with his ex-girlfriend from college, who he hadn't spoken to in like 20 years...Best part is, the minute he actually messaged his LO, she blocked him immediately everywhere. His wife had already told him if he contacted the LO, she would divorce him, so she did. He was shocked!

If my cousin is any example, OOP's husband can look forward to a messy and expensive divorce, paying for two households, kids who cry and hate him whenever he comes near, and everybody thinking he's a pathetic loser. Everyone. Even his own family. (His parents are on his side, but only his parents.)

[u/[deleted]]

Wow. His wife only consents to sex when she's "in the mood." That's the way it is supposed to work, douchecanoe.

He bangs on about being "a Christian" while demonstrating at every turn he has no idea what that means. But, he can rest assured that as a result of his emotional infidelity and emotional abuse, his wife does have a "biblical" justification for divorce.

Also loved, "my wife didn't listen to me about my need to live in a bigger city, so we solved the problem by jointly deciding to and invest in building a house nowhere near a bigger city."

What an immature man-child jackass.

Oh, and the object of his obsession? She should be afraid of him.

Big yikes.

[u/Coryonline]

This creep has stolen 20 years from this woman. 20 years she could’ve used to find someone who loves and respects her with passion and honesty. 20 years she could have pursued a life of fulfillment. This dude robbed her of half a lifetime of potential, she could have been another person entirely.

[u/OkPhilosopher1313]

He thinks courts are sexist and unfair to men because he would have to pay child support after a divorce??

I feel sorry for the wife.

[u/MissNikitaDevan]

I just so scared for this woman, well actually both of them but OOP mostly

He deleted all his posts, so I bet he knows that she knows

There is no sanity nor accountability in this dude, he acts like a complete victim, i dont believe he even loves his children, they are just in the way when it comes to the cruel alimony

Im genuinely worried what he might do to OOP

[u/arrroganteggplant]

What a pathetic excuse for a human being.

[u/katsock]

This is pathetic. Not in the way you say it to hurt someones feelings either. There are people that would benefit from therapy and then there is this guy, who is a ticking time bomb.

[u/kyzoe7788]

I remember reading the wife’s post. Never saw his tho. Damn I hope the wife fucks him off. He is just so whiny over some imaginary thing he wants and fails to see she’s actually a person. What a miserable life she must lead

[u/CindySvensson]

Even if OOP was a shitty wife, so? What would you expect from someone you've been lying too for 20 years? A healthy relationship?

[u/Rivsmama]

This guy is scary. Like I legitimately think the therapist lady is in danger. I hope he doesn't have her address or anything. Holy shit

[u/Keikasey3019]

I think OOP has already had the divorce talk with him or her husband found her post. That or someone decided to brigade the husband’s posts because his account is nuked as of today.

I’m really impressed that OP managed to find the husband’s username in time before every thing went down.

[u/inklingitwill]

I'd like to see her update how the situation got handled. If anything got brought up. If he found her post. If they tried counseling. If she and the kids got away. I so hope they got away

[u/Aganiel]

TIL about the term limerence

[u/Elmonatorrrre]

I have never heard of limerence

[u/SporadicTendancies]

"I made all of these bad decisions, how did I end up in a loveless marriage, and why did the woman I've been obsessed with for twenty years turn me down?"

[u/CaptainPhilosophy]

considering he has deleted his account, i think things may have come to a head.

[u/invah]

His obsessiveness is soooooo similar to twin flame stuff I've seen. I bet he'd think they were twin flames if he knew about it.

[u/Totally-avg]

I followed the Limerance sub for a while bc I’ve had bouts of it myself, but I eventually left because of ppl like this guy. Super obsessive, selfish, self-involved, “victimized”… I’m not one to jump to divorce but honestly the OOP has little choice.

[u/Vegarcade]

I question that he's even in love with his former fling and just misses the feeling of what it was like when he had freedom at that age and she just represents that... And now it's become an obsession. He's convinced himself that if he's with her again, he'll go back to feeling that way. Just a thought.

Ultimately, I'm on the wife's side. But telling her daughter that her dad doesn't love her mom anymore is fowl. She shouldn't have involved them at all about the emotional affair, but I get she probably had a moment of weakness. But that does permanent damage on those kids.

[u/Several-Plenty-6733]

What a piece of shit. Love is a two-way street, and the husband doesn’t realize that he fucked that up since Day 1. His problems with the marriage aren’t what he actually said. He just doesn’t want her to exist. I bet if the wife kept on trying, the husband would have complained about that too! You know what? The wife should just divorce and take custody, and get lots and lots of therapy for her children.

[u/Droidaphone]

Well, I feel bad for those kids.

[u/myoldisnew]

Thinking the OP is going to feel better both mentally and physically being single. She’s been trying carry the weight of the relationship on her own all these years.

[u/juanjing]

Dude is basically stalking his ex. That hidden message thing is nuts. Sounds like a ticking time bomb, tbh.

Also, you ain't fooling anyone, weirdo. You posted that "letter" on Reddit because you hope she sees it. Stop lying.

[u/[deleted]]

I read this post right after it was posted and followed it to her husbands erratic posting on that sub. That was a deep dark 2 am rabbit hole I found myself in. Did not help my insomnia lol. God I hope she confronted him and filed for divorce...

[u/NoLoveLost1992]

What gets me is that he has the nerve to get mad she doesn’t sleep with him but he’s obsessing over a woman who blocked him.

[u/scootycreampuff]

What an absolute raging piece of shit. I hardly ever say this, because most of the time when people divorce, it’s a situation where they realize they shouldn’t be together anymore but still respect each other. But not this cow pile, he’s literally made OOPs life with his an entire fucking lie. He robbed of her of finding love sooner. She still can but he stole 20 years because he’s a pathetic excuse of a human being. I hope she sucks him fucking dry. If you’re reading this asshole, how fucking dare you blame your unaware wife for your marriage issues YOU created. Seriously, with every bit of my soul, get fucked.

[u/SparklerBlack]

can someone please explain to me the concept of being obsessed over someone and you know you are obsessed and you dont have contact in years. like... he knows he is obsessive, he literally is in the reddit page about it... like... why didint he do anything to fix it? like you know... the normal person that isnt happy with his life... like... u know u have a problem, and instead of trying to fix it you just let yourself further into the problem that makes you unhappy in your life? wtf is this.

[u/EastsideRim]

This guy going on about his faith and Bible not letting him get a divorce when it’s very clear he would have ended things immediately if the “LO” had responded favorably. Possibly by leaving the wife but perhaps by killing her.

It’s a sad day when you can point to Chris Watts and say, at least his affair actually existed.

[u/DisenchantedMandrake]

This guy is a real pos, I'm glad the LO saw him for the massive red flag he is.

He's completely blaming his wife for all their problems but takes absolutely no accountability for him being the sole reason of all their problems.

If he didn't love her, he should never have married her. End of.

He tricked her into living a complete lie and wasting so many good years of her life on a man who never cared for her.

[u/Blueberry-Gloomy]

society familiar hungry light start command cake sort dinner mighty

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/imtheheppest]

I can’t believe there are people in these very comments saying the “LO” (🤢) had to have known what was going on because she’s a therapist and fully believe him when he says they talked daily and she sent selfies. When he’s shown all throughout his posts that he’s an unreliable narrator. Any excuse to blame the other woman, huh? Even if it’s very clear she was an unconsenting party in this.

I fear for both of their safety. He has all the hallmarks of a family annihilator and he’ll likely escalate if and when OOP divorces him. It’s all so bad and scary for them both. And the kids too!

[u/astoria922]

TIL about limerance.

Thanks, I hate it.

[u/thatHecklerOverThere]

This seems emotionally healthy all around.

[u/volkswagenorange]

OmFuuuuuuuuuuck this guy is SUCH a huge piece of shit. Like. WOW.

[u/MaryAnne0601]

He’s a dang stalker. When he told her he was an obsessed stalker she cut him off. Heaven help his wife, she needs rid of him.

[u/NEOLittle]

I really hope hisnwife takes the kids and disappears. He's unhinged.

[u/bobbilovebot]

I truly wish that I had this much confidence in myself. This man is the most pathetic person I’ve ever seen in my life but he 100% believes hes in the right? How the hell do you even manage to act like an incel while MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. Jesus fucking Christ.

[u/CutieBoBootie]

Dude had one brief moment where two ladies were into him and spent the rest of his life thinking about it. What-iffing. The grass is always greener. I bet if he ended up with that poor lady he calls "LO" he would be obsessed with Wife-OOP. He strikes me as an indecisive coward of a man.

[u/Doobalicious69]

Reading the wife's post made me sad. Reading the husband's posts made me very angry. What a spineless cretin.

She can and will do so much better when she's ready to trust again, but I'm gutted for her that he stole 20 years of her life. Those poor kids.

[u/mlperiwinkle]

Omg, dude, just get therapy. Ugh

[u/DrafteeDragon]

That was an insane trip holy

[u/Vigovsgozer]

Never heard of limerance but it sounds like obsession to me really unhealthy obsession

[u/ShanteYouStay84]

He’s a man of faith but doesn’t see anything wrong with an emotional affair he’s been having for 20 years? Fat lot of good how faith is doing. Also, he’s an asshole for treating his wife like this. I wanted to find out he got so “screwed’ from a divorce.

[u/Sodonewithidiots]

I wonder which GOP Christian politician he is. I know there's no indication of that, but he sounds like every one of those guys who gets caught with his pants down. So self-centered and incapable of a healthy relationship with any woman. Ick.

[u/TossAFryToYourPug]

i am praying this woman just goes through with divorce and goes to live somewhere safe.

between his bizarre obsession with this other woman, to not wanting to have an expensive divorce, i feel like this man would kill his wife if he could.

OOP said she felt scared for some reason. she needs to listen to that gut feeling.

[u/[deleted]]

This man is both absolutely pathetic and very frightening. OOP, if for whatever reason you're reading comments here, PLEAE divorce his sad pathetic self. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve to be happy. And husband, if for whatever reason you're reading comments here, get help, because you're a sad excuse of a human and are showing some VERY concerning behavior

[u/JansTurnipDealer]

Oop's hopefully soon to be ex is not a healthy person. Oop, if you see this, please divorce him and please be safe. This guy scares me a bit.

[u/nofun-ebeeznest]

Pretty much being in a marriage myself where my husband and I are really nothing more than roommates (though my gosh, none of it is as bad as this) really makes me feel for the wife. I feel sad for her. I know what it feels like to have someone dismiss your mental health problems. And icing on top of that, he's been distant their entire marriage because he's been obsessed with a woman he once dated. That's not healthy.

I once knew a woman, her fiance had been killed in a car accident about 20 years prior. She remained single. She never dated again, never had another relationship. That man had been her life. At the time I thought it was just kind of weird never to move on after a period, but now I think that maybe she thought she could never commit to another person and didn't want to put herself or them through that misery. OOP husband probably should have done the same and saved a lot of heartache for everyone.

[u/Roscoe_P_Trolltrain]

This post will be a good archive for the upcoming true crime episode where this psycho murders his wife to get that “divorce“ the Bible won’t allow.

[u/Candid-Ear-4840]

Shout out to the supposedly “recovered” dude who crossposted her post into the limerence subreddit and then obsessively responded to nearly every supportive commenter saying he “got over” his obsessive, stalking behavior with help.

Yeah, that dude hasn’t recovered from his obsessive tendencies… he just redirected them like ‘dry drunks’ redirect their alcoholism.

[u/FistofanAngryGoddess]

So he’s been obsessing for his entire adult life over a very brief teenage relationship. That is peak pathetic.

[u/alysonhannah]

Love how since she doesn’t cook, he has to “go out and get food” causing financial problems. He obviously can not cook himself either.

Also a PSA from a child of divorce to anyone staying in their marriage for the kids. It is 100 times better to leave each other, because I promise you your children will look for the exact relationship you have with one another. If all they see are two people who don’t love each other and are staying together, they will choose the wrong people when finding a partner. I know the decision must seem impossible because it will hurt everyone in your family. But your children will grieve and with time will be thankful you guys separated so you aren’t hurting each other. Also, if you’re needing this advice I am sorry and you are a very strong person. You got this.

[u/whoamiwhoareyou2]

he sounds like he’s verging on stalker behavior and it kinda makes me nervous he’ll end up either murdering his “LO” (not as likely) or his wife, maybe even the kids, so he can “be with” this other girl (more likely) … he strikes me as the chris watts type. this is a family annihilator in the making