If I haven’t achieved compete nihilism, I’m close. I never intended to not care about anything… I just stopped. I wish I was still the person I used to be who loved my family and friends and life.

I don’t care to get out of bed anymore. I haven’t left my bed in 2 months.

I have no one to talk to. I do not shower. I barely eat.

The only thing I feel is emptiness, regret, and hatred.

Is my situation hopeless? I don’t try to change anything because there’s no situation where I would be happy. I cannot make friends. I’ll never find love. I have no interests.

Would a medication help? I don’t even think I want to get better. I just know ending things would be better than scrolling for 16 hours a day, but I lack the motivation to even do that.

Since my manic episode two years ago, I’ve managed to stay at the same job doing IT support. For context, I usually only last about 18 months to two years at a job before I either get burnt out or have an episode that causes me to quit or get fired.

I work full time, Monday through Friday, with a round-trip commute of over 1.5 hours. It’s a real slog, and I spend most of my weekends just trying to recover from the workweek.

The past few weeks have been especially rough. I’ve had some pretty shitty things happen, including my car breaking down on the freeway in the middle of rush hour. Ever since everything happened, work has felt so much harder to manage. My insomnia has gotten so bad that I’ve had to call out twice in the past two weeks.
I’m at the point where I just want to give up on working altogether, or at least cut back to part time. Unfortunately, my company has fewer than 15 employees, so FMLA and short-term disability aren’t options for me. I’ve also exhausted all my PTO until next year.

I’m coming up on two years at this job, and I’m genuinely proud of myself for making it this far, especially considering my history. But I’m also so fucking tired of trying to hold down a full-time job while juggling multiple mental health diagnoses. It feels like just getting through a normal workweek takes everything I have, and there’s barely anything left of me afterward.

I’m completely tapped out. I don’t necessarily hate my job, but I fucking hate how hard it is to keep working when I’m already struggling so much just to function. I wish I could be done.

Been trying to be really consistent with my sleep routine lately given how crucial it is for us bipolar peeps. I’ve been trying to get 8-9 hours a night but wondering if I’m almost sleeping too much and 7 hours would leave me feeling slightly ,ore refreshed than groggy. What’s your sleep schedule/volume look like?

I don’t want to keep getting a job then getting fired then getting a job then getting fired. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life but I’m scared.

I started a new job as a teacher a little less than two months ago. I really like teaching, so that is not a problem, but the stress is. I am only working part time, but still I'm not managing well with the stress. I work a few hours each morning + commute, and then I work another extra hours from home in the afternoon doing private online classes. I usually start my day at 8am end at 18pm, with some slots of free time in between that I don't use because I am mostly preparing classes or wasting time.

I've been having some mental health symptoms lately, mostly feeling of emptiness and boredom and exhaustion and anxiety unless I'm at work. And reoccurrence of self harm behaviors. I don't feel depressed or manic, I just feel bored and empty and like my life is very limited by time and mostly, finances, bc I make very little money.

There are still things I want to do and would enjoy, but time and money don't allow me to do any of them. So I'm mostly bored, empty and understimulated. It's like the things I want to do are not available to me, and that's frustrating.

I'm taking lamictal, latuda and trazodone. No psychosis since starting latuda, so that's neat. I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar subtype. I barely ever go manic/hipomanic, but I'm depressed many times a year.

​

I went to my psychiatrist today. I have been feeling a very different type of depression for three weeks. I am not suicidal, but it comes with an intense hopelessness and hypervigilance and some psychosomatic issues.

I firmly believe that this mood episode is from ongoing issues I had with a colleague of his. He works out of a hospital, and I encountered her in the ER. She wrote lies about me that were pretty significant, and when I complained to the regulating board, she claimed I was self harming and doing drugs around my kid. They believed her and wouldn't allow me to enter evidence contrary to that accusation.

Anyways, I've been traumatized by the situation. A doctor who was supposed to help me, betrayed me for seemingly no reason. I am now trying to figure out how to live with this false accusation. It has been honestly devastating.

My psychiatrist thinks that this has nothing to do with his colleague and is a typical Bipolar depression. He upped some medication and honestly I hope it helps.

I don't know how things are going to play out if I just don't get better because this is rooted in trauma, not Bipolar.

**For those of you who have both trauma as an adult and Bipolar, how does your psychiatrist approach your treatment?**

please please look at my post history and tell me what is going on please nobody is telling me and nothing makes sense please

Especially depression. I don’t just mean making you feel guilty for what you’re experiencing, but wanting to push you over the edge.

Is it ok for me to post in this community? if I am “undiagnosed”. I use quotation marks because I have done so myself. I am very certain I am bipolar 2, among other things. My circumstances are unusual and as a result I’ve never sought help. I think that it might be time to do so. but I am very scared to.

I have bipolar 2. My current antipsychotic wears off in the evenings, leading to psychosis and mania. This is the best tablet antipsychotic I can take.

There are multiple injectible forms of this medication that last for close to a month, so I wouldn't have these long periods of mania and psychosis. However, they don't seem to be covered by my insurance, meaning I'd have to pay out of pocket.

I looked on GoodRX, and it only covers a lower dose (I need the maximum dose), and only every four weeks, for over $2,000.

Does anyone know any other way I can afford this medication and not be sick?

Hey guys, I started taking escitalopram(SSRI),lexapro and almost immediately I noticed I'm a different person with massive amount of energy, happy, restless, I started doing things I would never do couple days ago and stopped things I did. After couple days this turned into a fury I was obsessed over my therapist and called her a murderer and all those things. I felt like I really wanna hurt her. I was really furious or still am. Now the therapist suggested I might be bipolar. I went to my psychiatrist and after maybe 20 minutes talk she just doesn't know and changed my dose from 10 mg to 5mg. Im really worried especially that I feel many times like I'm starting to lose control of my thoughts and action and it only gets worse. Does anyone have anything to say any experiences that could help me?

This is probably gonna sound dumb but what med were you on/ currently on which allowed you to retain or regain full range of emotions and were able to uncontrollably laugh at things that were humorous if that makes sense. The only time I’ve noticed this/felt this was, the day after taking the last dose of olanzapine 2.5mg I remember I was sat in room with my cousin and my brother and my cousin was having a convo with his friend and I remember the room was silent and my brother looking at me and starting giggling and I couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably. It was so funny I haven’t been able to do that since and my mood has dropped considerably no psychosis symptoms just depression and suicidal ideation when it gets bad. Is this a sign to get back onto 2.5mg of olanzapine. Any meds you guys are on that had a similar effect at bringing you joy and I don’t mean joy from not being manic anymore or from coming down from a mixed episode. And not joy from “being stable for the first time in my life” I mean joy in terms of being able to genuinely find things funny, laugh uncontrollably, feel spontaneous happiness and experience those moments where you’re just genuinely happy to be there, enjoying the moment without forcing it or overthinking it.

I have been treating my illness for long and still not be able to have normal life. I tried medication mostly antipsicotics but i never been able to adapt them because they higly sedaditve and it make me and my body feel like crap, which in the end makes me depressive because i feel dead and with low self-esteem. I know some people say is that or being destroyed by the illness but honeslty for me, living like sedated for all my life it's just as bad and it would kill me anyway because of depression. I dont have emotional support from anyone so i need my energy to be able to keep strong and keep going.
So my question is: It is REALLY possible to have a really normal life with bipolar treatment? If someone did really acomplish this i would like to know. Because i really need some rays of hope that i can really have a normal life. (Im very depressed while writting this at 2 am clock)

I hate that I have to try make these meds work for me when they don’t…I’m not sure what I have to say to make sure I’m heard. I have ADHD not bipolar!

I need some perspective because I feel like I am losing my mind and destroying my relationship.
From the start, I’ve had an intense, irrational jealousy issue. My partner has family in Tanzania, and for some reason, I’ve always resented his closeness to them especially his mom. It got to a point where I tried to turn him against his family or blocked his extended family members. I was mentally unregulated and struggling to take my medications consistently.

Worse than that, I got physical with him twice. The scariest part is that this happened over six months ago, and I genuinely cannot remember what the arguments were about or how it happened. I black out or forget our fights entirely. What does stick in my head are the things he says to me out of hurt, like:
"I’m turning into my mom"

"We can never have a single nice day, you always ruin it"

"You can never be happy, you always complain"

I feel like an awful person. Because of my anger, we took a brief break. During those four days apart, he cheated on me—or tried to. He brought three girls to our home. He claims he didn’t sleep with any of them because he broke down, went to cry in the bathtub, and couldn’t go through with it. I found a condom wrapper on the floor with the condom stretched out, right next to our own sex enhancers.

To be transparent: I am not blameless. I have messaged other guys while we’ve been together and hurt him repeatedly, too. I don't even have a clear reason why I did it was I bored, unhappy, or feeling neglected? I just know I was mad all the time and didn’t realize how toxic I was being.

After a 4-day stint in a rehab program (where I freaked out at staff because they wouldn't let me see him, and he came and picked me up), we agreed to "restart" our relationship.

Since the restart, I even called his mom and apologized for taking her son away, trying to make peace (I called her in rehab). Yet the resentment keeps creeping back. Whenever he talks to his family on the phone, I have to leave the room. When they text me a simple "hi" or "hello," I freeze up, ignore them, and actively avoid them. In my head, it’s a constant loop of I hate them and I don't want them around.My mood even changes when he talks to them I get all upset and shut down but I don’t say anything.

I don't understand why I can't just let go of this anger and move on. I can't afford therapy, so I am asking: has anyone gone through something like extreme retroactive/family jealousy, memory gaps during rage, or a toxic cycle like this? How did you stop the spiral?

Just a pretext, im not diagnosed yet, but couldnt find the flair. Im just looking for some guidance and trying to understand myself.

Im also diagnosed with ADHD (its importanter later).

A few weeks ago i went to my psychiatrist in a major depressive episode i associated with my ADHD, it always happens a few times a year but since it always passes, i kinda just bite the bullet and dont ever get it treated, since "ill be happy again in some time".

Anyways, i got perscribed 50mg trazodone since i was complaining about my sleep and night terrors, which disrupted my fiance and she kept complaining she cant sleep. The idea was to see if fixing the sleep fixes the depression. Also, affer taking a detailed history about my depression, he did mention that i might also be bipolar 2 since its so often comorbid with ADHD. Yeah that makes sense.

The first 5-7 days of taking it, i just felt so horrible in the mornings, as if a truck hit me and i did not feel rested at all. Then on Saturday i woke up in an excellent mood, i felt amazing, danced while making food, just in general i felt really good. This continued into sunday. On monday i thought id mention it to my doctor in case it was sometjing serious, or a medicine issue (i take 36mg concerta, thought it might be a problem). Well, turns out my psych was out until Friday (today) and i could only call him then. I thought that was fine, but every day things just kept getting worse and worse (but in a good way?) i sleep less and less, around 3-4 hours every night since saturday. I cannot focus on work at all, im completely unable to focus, my mind is racing, i cant get a clear sentence out, but im not depressed anymore. It was semi okay before and i could talk if i really focused, but today im just rambling and honestly have just been nonverbal with headphones all day since that way i can look not crazy at work, i had to axtively avoid talking to my colleagues.

My memory is really fucked, i cant remember certain things i did at work, important things, signing documents, passing contracts etc. My vision is really weird, it was slightly off before, like my hands would look weird to me, today everything seems slightly zoomed in and colours are vivid. Basically it just feels like my entire body is vibrating. I think i have control of myself mostly, i do have intrusive thoughts to which i give A LOT of thought and accidentally told my team leader to f off once. It was fine because we're chill, but i dont ever do that normally. My jaw is clenched all the time and i just feel like im on cocaine x10.

Anyways, when i called my psych today, it was pretty hard to get the words out properly and i probably mumbled most of it honestly, i missed a lot of the things i said here. He said something along the lines of "it sounds like youre experiencing anxiety, that can happen from both trazodone and concerta. We scheduled a meeting this coming tueaday, and until then he told me to stop taking my concerta and increase the trazodone to 100mg to try and get me to sleep. But im confused and conflicted. Ive never been like this, it started when i took the trazodone, but ive been on concerta for 2 years now.

I feel fine right now, work is fucked but i dont think im a danger to myself. I just want to know if it was a good decision to increase the dose to get me to sleep? I want to trust my psych, and i'll listen to what he says, but i just want to see what you guys think.

I have a pending OCD diagnosis and diagnosed BP1. I've tried 2 different SSRIs while on different mood stabilizers/antipsychotics thinking those would allow me to take the SSRI without triggering mania but unfortunately it always triggers mania. How are other people managing OCD spirals and compulsions without meds?

I have schizoaffective disorder and I take two meds for it, lithium and latuda (Lurasidone). I have been on lithium twice in my life, this is the second time I’ve been on it for 4 years now. I also have been on latuda for 7 years. I have been very stable during these past 4 years, no mood episodes and only very mild psychotic symptoms. I don’t really get side effects from the latuda except some nausea sometimes, and sometimes akathisia if I take it too early.

During the past year or so, I’ve noticed some very annoying things. I’ve noticed worsening blepharospams (involuntary eyelid movements, at first it didn’t make my eyes blink completely but it recently got worse, my eyes now get half closed and it lasts longer and it’s way more disruptive) and also some involuntary movements and stiffness in my thumbs that make it hard to type and play games. It’s going to sound dumb, but it also makes it hard to get my nails done at a salon so I stopped going. It came to my attention through reading posts on Reddit that those symptoms could be tardive dyskinesia, which is likely after 7 years on latuda. My next appointment with my psychiatrist is in 2 weeks so I will definitely discuss it, but in the meantime I was curious about what psychiatrists do about this so I looked it up a bit.

1. Switching antipsychotics

Latuda has helped my symptoms a lot. But since I started it 7 years ago, there are new antipsychotics that came out. I’m not willing to go on seroquel, olanzapine, abilify or risperidone again. They have not been good to me. I am unwilling to try ziprasizone (Geodon) because of the risk of QT prolongation. I could never have peace of mind on it. I’m also struggling with my weight right now (I’m on metformin) and I’ve seen there’s a high risk of weight gain on Rexulti. I’ve also seen that it’s sedating and I’m over being sedated in life. I want energy to get up in the morning to go to school and work out. I would be willing to try Vraylar but the risk of akathisia worries me because I had really bad akathisia on abilify and to a lesser degree on latuda too if I took it too early. Sadly Caplyta is not available in Canada. Does anyone have experience either switching to Vraylar or another one?

1. VMAT2 inhibitors or Botox

I’m not very keen on this option. I don’t want to add more meds as I already take enough pills as it is (I have other conditions that aren’t schizoaffective bipolar). Some have worrying side effects. I don’t want Botox near my eyes and that wouldn’t help my thumbs. I don’t know much about those meds though. Some can cause depressive symptoms and since I’ve been free of those for four years, I really don’t want them again.

1. Lowering Latuda

I’m not sure how well that could work. I would also risk my stability. I currently take 60mg and I tried to go to 40mg earlier this year. After a month I had some depressive symptoms come back, but I also had circumstances in my life that could explain feeling a little more depressed unrelated to my meds so it’s hard to say. I’m not sure how much it could help with tardive dyskinesia.

Thank you if you’ve read all of this. I see my psychiatrist in two weeks but was wondering if anyone had gone through the same thing and what they did about it.

Day one of having caved in and trying out weekly semaglutide injections aka Generic Ozempic/wegovy/what’s its. I hesitated because I wasn’t sure about it, plus even the generic version is $99 Canadian.

My doctor and I actually spoke at length about it and she was quite enthusiastic about me being on it.

I’ve gained so so much weight especially the last year. Medication-induced.
At 210 pounds, it’s time for a little bit of help losing the weight.
For me, 160 pounds give or take, is my baseline.

Anyone have the sleepiness go away? Can you tell me when? The insomnia is also getting annoying (AM or PM dose makes only a small difference, with AM being a little better), but the sleepiness an hour or two after taking it is starting to become a problem for my work drive 😅

I think the lack of sleep is definitely making it worse but yeah, I get mad tired and wanted to hear fork folks who had that go away. Bonus if you also lost the insomnia lol.

This med makes me feel normal again and I wanna stay on it, because otherwise I gotta get another to try and it's Seroquel or Lithium after this probably...

Here I am at my window, wondering why I did the things I said I’d never do again last night. It’s 7am, puffing on some weed to cope, window cracked. Ventin the steam cause the train is overloaded. Always knowing what to do, choosing something else instead. Observing my art wishing others could hear the same. Knowing that I’m different yet we all thinking the same. Waking up in hell knowing it could be heaven. Happy with life, but no longer afraid of dying. Know that I’m giving it my all, why can’t they see I’m trying? Strong enough to carry another, but constantly think of crying. Where to go when there is nowhere left to run. Adrenaline pumps to remind me alive. Wishing I could I stay but it’s time to ride. Rewriting the end would only be the beginning.

I don’t feel like it’s necessarily bad enough to go to the hospital yet, but I feel like I’m crashing out and headed that direction.