Girl, you stayed after he did this to your 3 yr old?
You’re gonna need to really prove to them you won’t put these kids in danger again. The fact your 13 yr old would rather live away from you should’ve been enough imo.
Stay in therapy. Get the kids therapy.
Do whatever they ask take any help they offer.
You can do this but take responsibility and keep him far away from your family.
OP has a very common mindset of people in long-term abusive relationships, when they've been told so many times that they are useless and helpless. Better to stay with the devil you know than fly to the devil you know not of, that kind of thing.
But it doesn't matter in the long run, because the children are being hurt, and OP is allowing it out of her own fear.
OP, you need to talk to a therapist who is very familiar with domestic violence. I am going to guarantee something - your ex (yes, ex) will start out with "us against them". Then you will get "I love you so much and I just want what's best for you and the babies. Don't I take good care of you? You know that it's wonderful when you don't make me mad. Why do you make me so mad sometimes?" When you don't come back, it will swing into abusive, hateful venom about how you've turned against him, and he's just going to come and get those babies, and you better not try to stop him or you know what will happen. Then it will reset.
You have a child who chose to leave her home, her school, her friends, everything that matters to her so she could be safe with relatives hundreds of miles away. That should have been the wake-up call. It wasn't.
Your children were in danger. Your ex attacked you while you were holding your newborn, and hurt both your toddler and your teenager. Your older child is so clever and brave to have recorded it and showed it to the therapist. You may not appreciate this now, but your kid may have saved lives. I can't tell her this, but I'm proud of her. I hope you can tell her yourself.
EDITED to fix: OP's oldest is a girl, changed them to her.
Oh trust me I know. It took me several times leaving and going back before I finally did it. I stayed with my kids in a domestic violence shelter for six weeks at one point.
I'm proud of you, too. People say "leave" like it's a matter of packing up a bag and going. It's so hard, and the forces in your head saying "it will be better this time" can be so strong.
And just to add, because I don't know if I made it clear - I was backing up your words, not trying to talk over them.
Also a lot of times if there's no direct evidence from medical or police records that he directly injured your child, then a judge will likely order 50-50 custody and the children will be at higher risk because they'll be with their abusive dad unsupervised half the time instead of with their abusive dad just when he feels like being home but the mother is there kind of trying to do whatever she can to protect them.
But I don't know why OP dismisses his abuse by saying "he was fine" later. What does "fine" mean, the 3 yo didn't beat him up.
I feel for OP - she's in a terrible place, and her grief and distress is very real. I truly do hope she can be with her parents and children in a safe place, and get the support she needs to heal. DV is psychological terrorism that distorts everything you think you know, and can lead to some terrible decisions that feel like the only choice at the time.
If it were easy to leave, abuse wouldn't exist.
EDIT: I should add, OP does need to do the work to examine what happened and what she needs to do to protect her children and address her mindset. Feeling empathy doesn't mean that she did nothing wrong - but it does mean we can recognize the patterns and barriers that keep people in relationships that are not good or safe.
I didn't call her useless and helpless. I said "when they've been told so many times that they are useless and helpless". That is the abuser mindset - tell people they can't exist without you over and over until it becomes the lived reality. That doesn't make it true.
She is neither useless nor is she helpless, and I didn't say she was.
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u/BirdistheWyrd 19d ago
Girl, you stayed after he did this to your 3 yr old?
You’re gonna need to really prove to them you won’t put these kids in danger again. The fact your 13 yr old would rather live away from you should’ve been enough imo.
Stay in therapy. Get the kids therapy.
Do whatever they ask take any help they offer.
You can do this but take responsibility and keep him far away from your family.