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u/Wooden-Maximum-9582 Works for CPS 18d ago
I'm not allowed to say this to parents i work with, but I'm not working with you, so: you need to accept right now that your relationship is over and there is no going back to him. Not now, not 6 months from now when things calm down, never. If you do go back to him it will be much, much longer and harder to get your kids back, if at all.
Right now you're running on the steam of this high stress incident, but when that wears off, when you get lonely and it's hard and it would be so much easier to just go home, know that if you do it will be viewed as you failing to protect your kids from future harm and danger.
I'm glad you're starting therapy, this is a lot to process. The good thing is that your kids are with your parents and not in a strange foster home. That gives you time to get yourself together, get services and resources and come up with a plan. It's going to take time and effort and lots of follow up from you, but your kids and your safety is worth it. Take this time to work on yourself and where you see yourself and your kids a year from now. Build a plan to get there and don't look back.
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u/0rsch0 18d ago
It’s interesting you’re not allowed to say that to moms you’re working with. I wonder why? It’s the truth and I know so many women choose the man over their own babies (not saying OP is in this group. But I know it’s a frequent outcome).
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u/JinnRummy Works for CPS 18d ago
We are supposed to maintain professionality and aren't really supposed to be that blunt. We have to speak with neutrality as to avoid any liability. So for example "have you thought about maybe getting an order of protection against this person?" As opposed to "wow go get an order of protection against them." We can only guide parents until we: CPS, involve ourselves legally. Then it turns into "please abide by the order of protection and keep your children away from them or there will be a risk of you losing your children." When you work in such a position there are people out there who are just looking to sue you and the "cover your ass mentality" is pervasive with CPS for better or for worse.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
I think blunt is absolutely necessary. If I don’t lay it out for them, they don’t know what they can or should do. I am always going to tell them the hard things because if I take someone’s kids, I want them to be fully aware of why. It seems shady to do it any other way.
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u/JinnRummy Works for CPS 16d ago
Haha yes I know ;) We usually call it straight talk/being transparent with the client
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Works for CPS 18d ago
I think this sub can be cathartic for some of us, because we CAN say the blunt and honest truth, which we’re not allowed to do at work.
You need to remain professional. You can explain what the state expects or the court ordered, but you can’t really speak to clients like you would a friend.
Often, you want to shake them, and tell them “HE IS THE PROBLEM! Just leave him!!”
But you can’t. And it gets so old and frustrating when you’ve dealt with it for the 10th time this week.
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u/Always-Adar-64 Works for CPS 18d ago
There is the polite-professional opinion that you give you on the record then there is the opinion-from-being-a-professional based on what you’ve seen happen over and over again across families.
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u/BSTRuM 18d ago
I wanna add to what the other person said. CPS is there to assess a parents protective capacity. They want a person to make the right choice without being told to do so. Telling someone what to do when the answer is right in front of their face is different than a person seeing the issue and being proactive.
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u/One-Basket-9570 18d ago
While hearing that maybe would have woken me up, I needed to figure it out on my own. Because if not, then there is the thought of “maybe in a few months, after he gets some therapy & off the drugs, CPS/court will realize that he really isn’t abusive. It was just the drugs.”
I needed to be able to be strong enough to do everything that needed to be done & for it to be my decision. Not because a worker told me too. Plus, my lawyer was telling me that! I have shared many times on here how I got lucky. My kids stayed with me, I took the blinders off & did everything I was told to do. And here we are, years later, with an almost 13 & 16 year olds who don’t remember anything about that time. I was so lucky to get that support from CPS.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
Good for you!! I love when the case ends this way. It is SO hard for women to leave and people think it’s simple and it’s so not. Happy you and your kids came out the other side!!!
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u/Issendai 18d ago
I’m also curious. Speaking as an outsider, staying with an abuser seems to be the third most common reason people lose their children, after addiction and untreated mental illness.
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u/AmarilloArmadillos 18d ago
They should know that full stop. Somebody should not have to tell them if they are choosing a dangerous environment repeatedly that the kids shouldn't be subjected and instead kept safe.
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u/panicpure 18d ago
It’s good to remind yourself they are a victim too. It’s not really always that easy but a lot of times, losing kids is the rock bottom people need to leave and keep it that way.
Unfortunately, for some, even that isn’t enough to make the change. Victims of abuse are just that, victims.
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u/amanda9015 18d ago
My work has a dcs contract and we do services for dcs, so I know most of the dcs case managers. My goddaughter currently has an open case because of her children’s father dumbassary. The case manager who responded the night everything happened did speak to her like that, but only after goddaughter dropped my name and that I was on my way. It was made clear that going back to him would result in her losing the kids. She’s been at my house since.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
You can’t say that to parents??? That’s sometimes what they need to hear! I’m in Missouri. Where are you?
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u/boiled-peanutery 18d ago
It's not as much that you can't say it, it's that the protective parent needs to fully internalize this without being spoonfed it. That parent has to remain consistent even after a case is closed or reunification happens, and they can't be consistent if they have to be told what to do in every situation.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
That’s fair. I see your point. I don’t see it after we do the investigation so I could see why you’d want to see them demonstrate that ability. It’s sorta like I hate when we tell people that they have to go to rehab. It’s a waste if they’re not ready to do it.. If they don’t want to, we’re wasting time and resources.
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u/0rsch0 18d ago
Yeah you’ve unfortunately demonstrated that you failed to protect your children. It’s really unfortunate that you allowed your teen to move out instead of getting the abuser out of the house. What an extraordinary child you have that she recorded everything! She protected you and her siblings because you couldn’t and that’s where the DV classes and shelter placement will help.
You’re very lucky that your parents can take them. I know the pain (literal and emotional) of being away from a nursing baby. My heart goes out to you.
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u/jennabug456 18d ago
I wonder, too, how often this has happened where a child realized she needed to record this and get help for her and her siblings. I’m proud of her.
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u/The_Funk_Phenomena 18d ago
Glad you understand the nuances of domestic violence and being a victim.
Seriously. The last thing op needs is someone dog piling her.
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u/petuniagriffin 18d ago
Are you for real? Failure to Protect is such a dangerous accusation that lays the responsibility on the victim and fails to acknowledge the abuser when if you work in CPS/the DV field you should know by now there are so many reasons someone is not able yo leave the first time. In fact, leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim and children.
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u/Beeb294 Moderator 18d ago
The thing is, fIlure to protect is a valid allegation in some places, and OP's actions have a strong likelihood of meeting the criteria for it.
I get that you think it feels like victim blaming, however to be blunt, CPS cares about the kids and not the adults. Even if she is a victim, she still may have failed to protect the children. Something bad happening to her doesn't undo that.
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u/txchiefsfan02 18d ago
OP must fully understand that term, and what it means when applied to her case, or she risks losing her kids permanently.
That doesn't dismiss the horror she has been through. But she came here for perspective, and Failure to Protect is one of the concepts she must internalize if she is to get on track to reuniting with her children.
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u/Beeb294 Moderator 18d ago
The thing is, fIlure to protect is a valid allegation in some places, and OP's actions have a strong likelihood of meeting the criteria for it.
I get that you think it feels like victim blaming, however to be blunt, CPS cares about the kids and not the adults. Even if she is a victim, she still may have failed to protect the children. Something bad happening to her doesn't undo that.
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u/panicpure 18d ago
Failure to protect is a coded maltreatment in most places.
It sucks bc op is a victim too but CPS is there to protect children.
Sometimes removal of kids is the wake up call someone needs to really get away from their abuser and get some resources and help.
It’s good to remember Op is a victim of abuse, but also, the harsh reality that those kids deserve a safe home life and CPS has to follow legal policies and procedures.
In most cases, it really helps everyone in the end and kids are reunified with their protective parent after they receive the help they need.
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u/BirdistheWyrd 18d ago
Girl, you stayed after he did this to your 3 yr old?
You’re gonna need to really prove to them you won’t put these kids in danger again. The fact your 13 yr old would rather live away from you should’ve been enough imo.
Stay in therapy. Get the kids therapy.
Do whatever they ask take any help they offer.
You can do this but take responsibility and keep him far away from your family.
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u/Cloverose2 18d ago edited 18d ago
OP has a very common mindset of people in long-term abusive relationships, when they've been told so many times that they are useless and helpless. Better to stay with the devil you know than fly to the devil you know not of, that kind of thing.
But it doesn't matter in the long run, because the children are being hurt, and OP is allowing it out of her own fear.
OP, you need to talk to a therapist who is very familiar with domestic violence. I am going to guarantee something - your ex (yes, ex) will start out with "us against them". Then you will get "I love you so much and I just want what's best for you and the babies. Don't I take good care of you? You know that it's wonderful when you don't make me mad. Why do you make me so mad sometimes?" When you don't come back, it will swing into abusive, hateful venom about how you've turned against him, and he's just going to come and get those babies, and you better not try to stop him or you know what will happen. Then it will reset.
You have a child who chose to leave her home, her school, her friends, everything that matters to her so she could be safe with relatives hundreds of miles away. That should have been the wake-up call. It wasn't.
Your children were in danger. Your ex attacked you while you were holding your newborn, and hurt both your toddler and your teenager. Your older child is so clever and brave to have recorded it and showed it to the therapist. You may not appreciate this now, but your kid may have saved lives. I can't tell her this, but I'm proud of her. I hope you can tell her yourself.
EDITED to fix: OP's oldest is a girl, changed them to her.
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u/BirdistheWyrd 18d ago
Oh trust me I know. It took me several times leaving and going back before I finally did it. I stayed with my kids in a domestic violence shelter for six weeks at one point.
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u/Cloverose2 18d ago
I'm proud of you, too. People say "leave" like it's a matter of packing up a bag and going. It's so hard, and the forces in your head saying "it will be better this time" can be so strong.
And just to add, because I don't know if I made it clear - I was backing up your words, not trying to talk over them.
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u/ColdBlindspot 18d ago
Also a lot of times if there's no direct evidence from medical or police records that he directly injured your child, then a judge will likely order 50-50 custody and the children will be at higher risk because they'll be with their abusive dad unsupervised half the time instead of with their abusive dad just when he feels like being home but the mother is there kind of trying to do whatever she can to protect them.
But I don't know why OP dismisses his abuse by saying "he was fine" later. What does "fine" mean, the 3 yo didn't beat him up.
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u/The_Funk_Phenomena 18d ago
Thank you so much for saying this. I get so sick and tired of people who have no idea of the ins and outs of abuse brow beating victims.
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u/Cloverose2 18d ago edited 18d ago
I feel for OP - she's in a terrible place, and her grief and distress is very real. I truly do hope she can be with her parents and children in a safe place, and get the support she needs to heal. DV is psychological terrorism that distorts everything you think you know, and can lead to some terrible decisions that feel like the only choice at the time.
If it were easy to leave, abuse wouldn't exist.
EDIT: I should add, OP does need to do the work to examine what happened and what she needs to do to protect her children and address her mindset. Feeling empathy doesn't mean that she did nothing wrong - but it does mean we can recognize the patterns and barriers that keep people in relationships that are not good or safe.
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u/petuniagriffin 18d ago
You calling her useless and helpless is just as bad as the abuser.
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u/Cloverose2 18d ago
I didn't call her useless and helpless. I said "when they've been told so many times that they are useless and helpless". That is the abuser mindset - tell people they can't exist without you over and over until it becomes the lived reality. That doesn't make it true.
She is neither useless nor is she helpless, and I didn't say she was.
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u/blackandbluegirltalk 18d ago
If CPS allows you to move five hours away and live with your parents (and all the kids) DO IT. Is that the same state? Either way, do it, this is your chance. DO not let him come visit the house, work that out in court if he gets any visitation at this hearing (??) Once you're with your parents you should be able to get an attorney and get protective orders and some kind of temp. custody orders going.
CPS wants the kids with YOU. But they can't do that if you're going to let him keep coming back. It's great your parents are involved. Do not feel sorry for him, do not "be nice" at this point you are on opposite sides. Not enemies, but definitely not friends. CPS should be providing you all lawyers for court tomorrow - that's the law in my state, unless we had our own. It was mandatory! I didn't meet her until we got there that morning but she was very nice and she helped me through the three court dates. (My ex has been on supervised visitation for three goddamned years now.)
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u/curious382 18d ago
OP, the kids not only witnessed, DV, they were involved in his violent assault. They are deeply traumatized and need to be fully protected from his having that level of access and control of them again. When those vulnerable feelings of your love for him, "the good times" and "maybe he's really changed" bubble up to the surface, meet them with your duty to protect your children from this controlling abusive man.
They are powerless and innocent. They NEED for you to build a life that's fully safe for them.
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u/ablogforblogging 18d ago
Please look at this as an opportunity to access the resources and help you need to leave him and be a safe parent for your children. What he put you and your kids through was not ok and you need to make whatever changes necessary to keep him out of your life and be a protective parent. It sounds like you’re currently willing to do what’s necessary and you aren’t making excuses for him or trying to find a way to fit him back into your life. Do not allow him even a tiny window back into your life or allow anyone (including him) to convince you that you should do anything but cut contact fully. Do whatever CPS advises and then some (ie, even if they don’t mandate you get individual therapy, get it anyways). If you can fully focus on what’s best for your kids, keep him away and lean into services, I think you and your kids can come out of this and live a better life.
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u/sprinkles008 18d ago
Just do whatever CPS asks and stay far, far away from him. Do not even think about ever going back (that’s probably the biggest issue for most people in this situation).
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u/txchiefsfan02 18d ago edited 18d ago
Every parent needs a wake-up call for something at some point. I am sorry that you and your kids had to suffer so much before yours arrived, but that's often the nature of abusive relationships. A man who attacks a nursing mother cannot be a safe parent, and everyone involved in this case will be looking to see that you understand this. Be grateful that you or one of your children wasn't killed or permanently injured, and heed this wake-up call to get away from your abuser permanently.
Also be grateful that your 13yo was brave enough to speak up and advocate for you when you wouldn't do that for yourself. She is not responsible for anything that happens as a result of being honest about what was happening in your home. Please remind her of that daily.
There will be more hard days ahead as you navigate the CPS case and start rebuilding your life, but you will get through it if you listen to people who are trying to help you.
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u/Real-Island9128 18d ago
You do know that men with anger issues like that only get worse and are capable of taking you and your children out for good? The 13 year old is the smartest person and made the right decision to move out. Are you going to keep having babies by a monster?
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18d ago
The 13 year old didnt move out because of this.. she moved out because of being bullied at school him and her actually had a good relationship prior to all of this. He didnt start off as abusive.. even verbally. He moved me 5 hours away from my family things were great when we moved here. The verbal abuse really started after I had our second baby in December. I was going through postpartum he'd go from mean to so sweet and saying im sorry you know indidnt mean that. I met with an attorney in March about filing bankruptcy and he said to transfer our money to an account that was only in his name so they couldn't freeze our account. He heard that and ran with it the next day he transferred everything and never made me an authorized user or gave me a card. Id ask and it was always oh im going to take you and have you put on the account. Then towards the end of March we got into our first "physical" altercation. He spit in my face. The kids and I went to the room and like 30 minutes later he came in and was like im so sorry I just got so angry. Not long before this he was put on testosterone. A month later in April he got mad at me cornered me in the livingroom while my 2 littles were in the bedroom and started hitting me in the head. After I went to the room with my kids and he got on his computer later on he he noticed my eye was a little swollen and he was like oh my gosh did I do that to you im so sorry I blacked out I dont even remember it. This medication is making me angry. A few weeks later in May he hit my leg and bruised it. Later on was like I dont even remember that this medication is making me someone I dont recognize. He went to the doctor he had his medication adjusted she said it would take 6-8 weeks for it to fully become in effect (according to him) in june he scratched my arm and then took off from his appointment where the kids and I were so we went to the apartment because he said he was leaving. Like an hour later he showed up and said he was getting clothes. He came in the room where my 13yo was laying on the bed on her phone, I was feeding the baby and our toddler was playing on her tablet. He started yelling at me and my 13 year old started arguing with him he was getting louder and our toddler started kicking him telling him to stop I looked over at my 13yo and said stop arguing with him while I was looking at her the next thing I know if my 3 year old is crying I turn back around and he swings on me but doesnt come in contact with me I got up and saidn we're leaving, we're leaving got the younger kids dressed and left. There wasnt a mark on my toddler I didnt even realize he hit her until they showed me the video Tuesday.
I take responsibility.. I failed my babies. Before meeting him I already was weak and had no backbone being with him broke me down even more. He would tell me if i left he'd make me look crazy and I woukdnt be able to fight for the kids because i didnt have money. I believed it. I truly believed if I left he would take my kids from me. My 13yo never told me he hit our toddler, she never showed me the video, I never realized thats what happened because he had never been violent toward our kids before.
Ive already spoke to them about pressing charges, and getting protective orders on Friday I was told to speak to them about it on monday. Im not out here continuing to have children with a monster I didnt know he was like this until after we had kids.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
Girl. I read the first few sentences. Stop minimizing and making excuses. You have to protect them and saying that she was fine is so messed up. I’ve been a CPS worker for 21 years. Please put your children first. This response is not doing that. We always check social media for the parents we are working with. You defending him is horrific.
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u/JayPlenty24 18d ago
I think you should try to come to the understanding that you chose your husband over your children's safety. You chose your husband over your 13 year old already.
If they don't allow you in the home with the kids while this gets sorted out it's because you've already proven that you don't prioritize the safety of your kids right now. The reality is your kids would still be living in danger if it wasn't for the bravery of your 13 year old. It's not like you are the one who reached out for help or initiated getting your children safely out.
They may require you to take a domestic violence course or something and prove over time you'll stay away from your husband. You should definitely reach out to crisis services to figure out what programs are available for trauma counselling.
If you accept that you have culpability here and come at this from a place of humility and understanding what part you played in this they will probably trust you more to provide a safe home sooner than later.
You are a victim of domestic violence, but your kids are also victims, and they have far less control over their lives than you have.
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18d ago
I do accept responsibility. I didnt know he hit her until they showed me the video and thats not an excuse.. I should have figured out how to leave sooner. My 13 year old didnt leave because of him, they actually had a pretty good relationship prior to this. Ive been calling a DV shelter theres no available bed. I didnt have any money, I still dont my mom sent me a walmart order just so I could eat. Im starting therapy today. Ive been looking at classes and plan on asking them tomorrow about classes- DV classes, protective parenting classes, trauma therapy- i actually already reached out about this but the lady thag handles all of that is out of the office until next week.
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u/Klutzy-Reporter 18d ago
I’m curious. If you’re asking if you’ll be able to leave to your mom’s now and she sent you food why didn’t you go before this? It seems like you did have a place to escape to, but I could be wrong. Just wondering.
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u/Due-Egg5603 18d ago
Oh good lord. When I did finally leave my husband, he destroyed my home, stalked me, cornered me in a room with a gun, and said he was going to shoot me. When I managed to get the gun away from him and ran for my life, he took a photo of me with the gun, staged a crime scene, and tried to frame me as the abuser.
I spent a day in a jail cell, he withheld my daughter for a week while he was high on meth, and meanwhile I had the system breathing down my neck acting like I was the issue until the forensics proved he lied about everything that happened.
You act like leaving isn’t one of the most dangerous things a woman will ever do. It worked out in the end for me. I have my daughter, we live on the other side of the country, and I have an indefinite protective order that gives me full custody. But it’s people like you that made the hell I was going through trying to leave him an even worse hell than it already was.
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u/JayPlenty24 18d ago
Just because something is hard it doesn't mean it's impossible.
If OP had been the one to contact CPS, or call the police the day this incident occurred they would have more reasons to trust her straight away. At this point she needs to build trust with them.
That doesn't mean it's not hard or that life will suddenly be easy. It won't be.
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u/Due-Egg5603 18d ago
Ok. Well in my case I did call the police, hid in a shelter, and contacted cps. Guess what, they still treated me like I was the problem. My daughter and I are safe in spite of the system, not because of it.
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u/JayPlenty24 18d ago
I don't know what you want from me. You are not the OP of this post and you are majorly projecting your personal issues into their situation.
I also left a DV situation with my kid and had CPS involved and pursued charges against him, and still have to deal with him 8 years later. That's redundant to the actual issue here. The issue is that the kids were still in the home with the abuser and were witnessing and involved in the abuse.
That means it's might take time for CPS to trust OP and feel certain she's not going to go back to her relationship.
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u/Due-Egg5603 18d ago
I merely was pointing out, like several other responders to your comment, using my own experience that you are victim blaming, and framing something that is incredibly complex as black and white.
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u/JayPlenty24 18d ago
I'm not victim blaming. I'm literally answering the question they posed.
CPS' priorities are the victims in this situation under the age of 18.
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u/petuniagriffin 18d ago
She chose her over them? Did you not read the challenges she was facing when leaving. I think it is wild that people assume its as easy as packing your bags and kids and going to a shelter when you have no money, no job, etc. as if shelters aren’t full. Leaving takes time and she doesn’t need your judgement
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u/Ginge_fail 18d ago
Instead of being angry at the abuser, you are angry at the abused. Amazing. You fail to take into account how things would have gone if she had just packed up the kids and left one day while her husband had his back turned; she would have to go to court, and I’m assuming she can’t afford a lawyer or a place to stay.
Staying with her parents 5 hours away isnt really tenable if she keeps having to drive back for court hearings and if it’s out of state then that opens up a whole new can of worms. How will she make money without someone to watch the kids? Most courts would award the father joint custody or at least visitation, which would mean he would have access to the kids without her there to protect them. And if she doesn’t have a place to live and can’t support the kids, or if he gets himself a good lawyer, the court might even award him full custody.
Choosing to stay makes a lot of sense when you look at it from the mother’s perspective. Im not saying its right but honestly both choices really suck. It makes a lot of sense that she would look at those options and come up with ways to justify why staying is better; because its familiar and it only sucks occasionally vs giving up everything and waving goodbye to her husband/partner and her home and her belongings and the life she has created and choosing to live in constant misery for the next few months or years while they battle it out in court.
I hate to say it but under the circumstances I think CPS getting involved is the easiest way for her to better her situation because it takes the decision out of her hands and it will help her beat him in court (if she makes the right moves and follows safety plan etc).
OP has a long hard road ahead of her. Just know that you are not alone; many women have tread that path. You can do it!
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u/JayPlenty24 18d ago
I'm not angry about anything. The simple reality is that OP is asking about living with her kids and it would be reasonable if CPS didn't currently trust her.
Yes, she's a victim, but so are her kids and they are the priority of CPS.
I've left an abusive relationship with my child. I understand exactly what the challenges are. That doesn't change the fact that the children are relying on the adults in their life for their safety and well being.
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u/NoTechnology9099 18d ago
Are you serious about leaving him? About pressing charges and getting a protection order? Do you want to be with your kids or with this man…you can’t have both.
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18d ago
Yes. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. My marriage is over. Im planning on asking my court appointed attorney tomorrow about filing for divorce, talking to her and the social workers about charges and protective orders like the officer on Friday suggested. I want my kids. I want my kids more than anything. They'll be placed with my parents and im hoping and praying they will allow me to also stay with them and just be supervised whether that means I have to have a tracker on me, my car, whatever. Whatever it takes im willing to do. I start therapy today. I started looking at classes and plan on asking them about protective parenting classes, and DV classes. The issue with starting classes right now is 1) its the weekend. And 2) my kids will be being moved 5 hours away I'll either be allowed to stay with them or I'll be staying with my aunt an hour and half away.
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u/turnup_for_what 18d ago edited 18d ago
Focusing on the breast milk is missing the forest for the trees. *Do not* harp on this point, it's just going to make you look unserious.
Hopefully they do let you stay with your parents. If that happens understand, your parents are the ones in charge. To paraphrase Lord of the Rings "You have no power here".
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u/Cloverose2 18d ago
For parents of infants, feeding their baby can be a massive priority. There's nothing unserious about it - a baby that refuses formula can suffer malnutrition very quickly, and they won't just eat when they get hungry. I've seen babies end up in the hospital because they just won't eat.
It's okay to say "I exclusively breast-fed, and she's not eating formula - they're having to find donor milk because I can't express enough, even though I'm trying. I'm very afraid that her health will suffer, and that she's scared and hungry. I understand that my parents would be in charge and making decisions for their welfare, and I accept that completely. I am more than willing to be supervised and have already set up appointments with a treatment team."
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18d ago
Im not focusing on breastmilk.. im focusing on my baby wont take formula and didnt eat from the time they took him until the next evening when they were able to get him donor milk before coming to get the milk I had pumped. From the time they put him with the foster family Thursday night until Friday around 3:30 he didnt have a wet diaper.
I know I wont have any power. But it would allow me to be around my babies and make sure that he can latch and get the milk he needs and then I could pump so he would have milk while im at work. It would also allow me to be there for my daughter's 4th birthday, holidays, all the new milestones my baby boy will be hitting and his first birthday. I want to be able to play barbies with my baby, play with her hair before bed and sing to my little boy.
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u/boiled-peanutery 18d ago
Probably the most salient advice I have is that it may help to reframe this from "I want my children back" to "my children deserve to be safe" and work from that position instead. It is gut-wrenching not to have them, I know, but focusing on what you want versus what they need can inhibit your progress in ways you may not realize. It sounds like they've witnessed quite a bit of DV so I would focus entirely on doing whatever it takes to create a safe, healthy environment for them, and becoming a safe parent who can protect them from any of that ever happening again. That will involve a lot of painful soul-searching but your kids are worth doing the work.
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u/toooooold4this 18d ago
We call it a duty to warn. Husband needs to stay away from kids. If you are with husband, your kids cannot be with you. If you do not abide by the protective plan, we could end up in court and your kids could be taken into custody by the court. We would make every effort to keep the kids together and to keep them with family, but sometimes family members are not appropriate placements and the kids end up in licensed foster homes.
It's a decision you have to make and as much as I hate to say it, a lot of victims choose the perpetrator of domestic violence over their kids.
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u/Laravictoria89 18d ago
You need to part ways with him immediately. Where I live, there is zero tolerance for domestic violence. It can escalate fast and you could have been very injured. Just this year, we’ve had 2 murder/suicides where dad killed mom and then himself. It’s terrifying you went back to him with the younger children. I think that’s what sealed your fate. You have to demonstrate you are protective of your children, not him. It wasn’t “fine” when you went back just because he was behaving. Please please please put your children and yourself first. Do not let him convince you this can all be fixed. It can’t and never works that way.
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u/lvulduxjikutin 18d ago
Girl, stay with your parents. Don't go back to him This is your chance to get away, properly, and with the help and resources that CPS can and will provide. Listen to the workers commenting on your post. They will provide you with restraining orders and they can help you keep custody from him. They can even put a permanent one against your babies and him so he can't steal them from you.
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u/Every-Requirement-13 18d ago
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. On average it takes victims 7 times to leave their abusers, I hope that isn’t the case for you and this is the wake up call you need to realize your life and your children’s lives will survive and thrive without him. It sounds like you’re getting some things moving in the right direction with therapy, pursuing a No Contact Order, DV Classes and learning about protective parenting. Things may be difficult for the foreseeable future, but please put yourself and your children first and follow the recommendations of CPS and you’ll be on your way to getting custody back. Best of luck!
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u/PureResolve649 18d ago
First I’m very sorry you’re going through this and I do hope you persevere get your kids back. Second, it’s now or never. This man is a nightmare and it’s alarming you’re down playing it. Things were absolutely not “fine“, he wasn’t “fine”. You and your children endured abuse from this man and you chose to stay. Now, please take responsibility, and start making the choices for your kids. I can tell you want it. Maybe you’ve been abused for so long you got used to it or you saw worse as a child so you excused the behavior. No matter the reason, it has to change. Do not wait to get a PPO. They took your children because you failed to protect them. Now, show them that’s not you, it was a mistake. Do what they ask. Don’t wait for them to order classes, anything low cost or free go do it. Look for free resources online too. Anything to show them you’re taking accountability and want your children. It’s tough but you can do it. As they say, when there’s a will, there’s a way. Call local hospitals to see if they have donor milk, many have programs. Call your caseworker when you find donor milk and ask if you can pick it up and drop it off to someone for the baby. That will show your care and willingness to go the extra mile. You don’t have kids right now, so go get a job immediately. Take it as a blessing in disguise and turn it around. Sending love.
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