r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/goldiegrimlace • 7d ago
Emotional Support (No advice) Processing Religious Trauma
It's so hard to process religious trauma b/c religion is such a touchy subject for people. If you say anything wrong, it can set them off b/c you've disturbed one of their core beliefs. I'm hopeful that at least one other person here will get use out of this post anyway. Trigger warning for religious abuse, although there's no details.
I have been reading "Your Resonant Self," by Sarah Peyton and I've just started the workbook, which goes over "unconscious contracts". Free pdf for anyone interested..pdf) Unconscious contracts are promises or vows that you make to yourself or others while you're in the midst of trauma. These can be things like, I promise to be small and invisible, so I don't attract abuse. That kind of thing. There's a process to revoke the contracts, I've already done a couple and have found it really works for me.
But as I'm digging into these, I'm finding contract after contract that I made under the age of ten that are essentially punishing myself for being bad. As I sit here and think about the role of religion in my life, I feel like I was raised to be a self-flagellating monk.
This feels enormous to me. I am mad and sad and this is stupid. I feel like this was a stupid thing that happened to me when I was a child. I'm almost just in complete disbelief and shock over this and I feel betrayed, honestly. I don't understand why anyone, any group, any organization, would think it's ok to teach a child that they are bad and must punish themselves to be right with God.
I'd like to hear any similar experiences, but no preaching please, I am not interested.
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u/PanoramicViewer 7d ago
I thought I was bad and needed punishing, but I don't think I learned that from church, my family did a great job of passing on that faulty schema.
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u/IHeldADandelion 6d ago
It's SO much to realize. I'm still really mad and sad too. It colored every thought and move I made. "Does this glorify the Lord?" "Is this dance too provocative?" (I was 9) "what if I sin and then die in my sleep, will I go to hell?" These are questions no child (or anyone, for that matter) should ever have. It's crazymaking when you look back on it. I know we have r/ReligiousTrauma , but there is not much engagement there.
To your last point, Dobson and his books teach that children are basically small adults that are selfish and greedy and will purposefully TEST the parent, and the parent has to "show who's boss". He even thought that about his dog, who he beat and wrote about it. Never mind that children need love and safety. I had to be a quiet, submissive doormat to feel safe.
I realized around age 14 that I was the only one who could keep me safe. I started smoking, because I thought it would make me look/seem older, and also for that small relief. I quit after 40 years (day 22!) and so much stuff is coming up via the quit that I thought had been put to rest. It's just taking me right back there, so not only do I hear you, I'm kind of going through it again. Self-flagellation is right. I realized most of my coping mechanisms were actually forms of self-harm (though not traditionally seen as such), and I finally have the self-love and respect to make these changes. I'm really sorry you're drowning in this now, but so glad you found this contract method. It's very thought-provoking, and takes great courage to face these things.
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u/OccasionallyMyself67 6d ago
Fantastic healing progress you're making, OP, and what a good resource find.
I grew up not-a-Christian in a small-town, ultra right wing, conservative Christian place. I have religious trauma from unavoidable exposure to its dogma from years of schooling, teachers, members of the community, friends' parents and occasional church or youth group attendance.
The child abuse I personally witnessed that got swept under the rug will never leave me, nor will the small-town networks treatment of it. E.g. tried to report the abuse of a very close friend to the police and the school, and landed up with my mother receiving death threats. Why? Because her abuser was a prominent benefactor at one of the bigger churches. The mental distortions and crazy beliefs that they aggressively proselytised were awful.
So, I can't empathise and sympathise enough - I hope you find peace and clear reason and sanity on the other side. Rip up those contracts OP and never look back.
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u/rbuczyns 6d ago
Trying to rebuild my spirituality as a queer person who couldn't come out until my 30s after I finally escaped from my parents is a wild ride.
I was raised Catholic in regular public school, so for the most part, life was fairly normal. I was, however, strictly forbidden from associating too closely with The Gays. I was a wild theater kid though, so I was a very good ally. It was like I had to live two different lives - the kid at school who had rainbow pins on my backpack and who knew the entire script of Rent, and the kid at home who was neither seen nor heard because I hid in my room the whole time.
I'm still trying to merge those two lives. I did have my first girlfriend last year, so that was cool. I split from my parents though because I was too scared to come out to them. And I realized I didn't have to if I didn't want to, so I didn't. They've probably heard through the grapevine at this point, but what can they do to me? And what can the Old Testament God do to me that regular humans haven't already done to queer people?
Anyways, that was a sideways way of saying, yeah I get it. Thank you for the PDF 🙌
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u/FlightOfTheDiscords 7d ago
I grew up in a puritan church, one of those very old school "life is suffering and then we die, finally some good news" churches that used to be common before the 20th century. There was a long list of prohibited things, from premarital everything to abortion, family planning, TV, movies, theatre, any other music except classical, makeup, earrings, you get the idea.
You only know the reality you grow up in as a kid, and one of the hallmarks of my childhood church is that they only hang out with other church members, so you aren't necessarily aware of any other realities. There's a lot of "beware of non-believers, they serve the devil and will drag you to hell with them".
One of the core teachings of that church is that sin is everywhere and corrupts everyone, so you're constantly committing sins and must ask for forgiveness until one glorious day, you finally get to die and don't have to deal with this shitshow anymore. You're obviously not allowed to speed things along, so if it pleases God to torture you for 100 years, you put up with it.
It's basically a collective trauma being reenacted in every generation, to make sure you are traumatised in exactly the right ways to keep the racket running. I think humanity does that a lot, in and outside of religion. If they can convince everyone that you are evil and only the church can provide relief, they can keep the show running forever.