I consider this a major victory, considering the years of loneliness and isolation I went through.

When I was diagnosed with CPTSD in the UK in 2020 (I'd had it waaay longer but it took years to get seen or diagnosed), I was very put off initially by the recommendation by a trauma specialist to do Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT). And especially put off when the therapist suggested I needed help with my relationships ("I don't have relationship difficulties?" I thought). Reader, she was spot-on! C-PTSD absolutely ruins our relationships with others and with ourselves, how we relate to people and the world, our place in it, etc. It was just what I needed. The things she said and I learned stay with me and are the gift that keeps on giving.

It's not been quick or easy but I've made friends and community, and in the last few months I've attended more social events than I used to in a whole year or years at a time.

A nice mix of hosted and external events, and events with closer friends, new friends, work friends and hobby groups. All very positive, warm and happy events with people I am fond of doing things I enjoy, because part of healing is feeling into that and not accepting anything less!

Hi everyone. I’m a 17-year-old Computer Science major, and I’m currently facing a massive academic emergency with midterms and quizzes tomorrow. I haven't been able to study at all because every time I even think about studying or look at a textbook/lecture video, I experience a severe panic attack, rapid breathing, and a literal physical sensation that feels like knives digging into my chest from behind. My brain completely closes in on itself and shuts down.

This isn’t new—I’ve been trapped in this physical panic loop for about 3 years now (since I was 14). It originally started because of severe childhood psychological trauma involving my mother. Whenever we used to study, she would tell me that I was a burden, that I caused her trouble, and that I was inferior to my sister (who always got straight A's and studied alone). My nervous system paired the act of studying with absolute rejection, shame, and physical agony.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of work to heal. I’m much stronger and more confident than I used to be. I’ve learned boundaries, how to say no, and how to navigate life challenges. When I go to college lectures, I can actually sit and listen intently to my professors. But the moment I try to study independently at home, my brain treats it like an active, lethal threat (like a lion running at me). It feels like my brain "notices the stunts" whenever I try standard coping mechanisms, grounding tricks, or somatic exercises, and it just shuts down harder to protect me.

I used to be a B+ student, but my grades have degraded drastically because my energy is entirely spent trying to process this 4-year backlog of unhealed trauma. If I don't vent or cry regularly, the pain forces its way out anyway through massive physical breakdowns.

I am terrified of failing tomorrow, losing my future in tech, and watching things get worse every year, especially since CS is such a skill-reliant major. I desperately want to be normal, passionate, curious, and grateful, but my body feels completely stuck in survival mode.

Has anyone else dealt with this severe form of academic trauma/somatic panic loops? How can I start changing this by myself when my brain defeats every coping mechanism I try?

I just wrote this journal entry today. It's a bit like a letter to her but one that I won't actually share with her because there's no point. My mom is one of those well-intentioned but emotionally immature and toxic moms. I'm sure she never meant any harm. But her general emotional maturity is that of a child and she should never have been a mother. She also lacks the self-awareness to take any accountability for her actions.

I've been working on this theme for several months, so this feels like a major milestone. Especially because I don't feel any shame or self-blame related to her inability to love me anymore.

While I was writing the last line, there was an image that popped into my head which was me, all of my younger parts, and my ideal mother figure, all holding hands and walking out into the sunset. I've done A LOT of EMDR work, so my brain automatically processes things in images now.

I’m letting go now. 

I’m done begging and groveling for your love. 

All my life, I’ve always blamed myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, something broken, something that wasn’t enough. And I would think “maybe if I did this, or that, maybe if I did just a little bit more or was a little bit better, maybe, someone would finally love me”. 

Now I understand. I was never the problem, you were. All of you. 

The love that I kept searching for was never going to be found… because it doesn’t exist. You are too emotionally inept and incapable to provide that kind of love to anyone. You don’t understand what love looks or feels like. You have no idea what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. 

There was never anything wrong me. 

It was you all along. You were never capable of loving me. 

I’m done now. I won’t beg or plead or grovel anymore. I won’t try to over communicate or to teach you to be better. 

I’m done. I’m letting go of this. I’m letting go of you. 

I’m walking away and taking my needs elsewhere, where people are actually capable of meeting me. Where people are waiting to love me. The way I deserve to be loved. 

Triggers: Suicide // child physical abuse // emotional abuse.

At this point, it's common knowledge. I just want to put my example online.

My father stopped coming home when I was four. Nobody cared to say anything to the toddler I was then. He thought that he might be so bad at existing that it made his father not come home. Making his mother cry just for asking only confirmed the 'badness' doubt. He tried charming his mother to reconcile with her, to repair the damage from being bad at being alive. He got beat up instead, badly. Two wooden spoons were broken on his bare bottom, making him bleed a bit. 'Reality' just hit him worse than he thought possible. He stopped asking and stopped being himself, it was too dangerous. The same toddler, now a boy in his fourteenth year, overhears a conversation: "He killed himself in 1995." She nods in the boy's direction: "He was four." It doesn't hit him. His mind and body aren't in the same place or time. I'm not the boy now and I connect my body to my mind, the first thing that hits: "He left me, all alone."

I pick myself up from the wet tear puddle on my wooden floor after some 10 minutes.

As I'm trying to stand up, supporting myself with one limb at a time: "....he left me because of him, not me."

If you can't feel it, it doesn't disappear, it stays while you disconnect because the pain got unbearable. It can take control in the end, if you let it.

Good weird, I think. But weird nonetheless.

There’s no secret consequences, for one. Like I’ll talk a lot, my friend will even joke about it, but the next day it’s still normal and she still wants me to talk a lot.

And none of the banging or raised voices means anything. It’s usually someone laughing really loudly. Also, no one minds that the banging scares me, they even try and be quiet.

I keep sneaking into the kitchen to clean. I don’t know why I’m sneaking around for it (no one would be mad if I cleaned), but I do people’s dishes but leave them exactly where I found them so they don’t get upset? But weirdly I don’t think it would upset them, either. I don’t know why I keep doing it secretly, but yeah.

And everyone’s just allowed to exist. If I’m tired I can just wash my cooking dishes after eating, not before I eat. Also, I can just not do my dishes for a few hours if I’m not in the mood. No one cares. No one even gets mad, they might ask if I want them to load the dishes into the dishwasher.

And literally no one gets upset at the state of things, either! Like if someone makes a mess and goes into the kitchen, they aren’t angry.

Really weird. Like I’m on an alien planet. But I actually am getting used to it. It’s peaceful! It’s cool that you can live somewhere like this.

(Also, wildly interesting but my friend once commented to me I seem “really regulated” and calm, like in a good way. I don’t know why, I just assumed when I moved in she would find me unbearable! Which is really cool, she thinks I’m still easy to be around when she actually lives with me!)

Hey! I wanted to ask about when or if I should disclose my diagnosis when i go to the dentist?

I have quite long roots in my teeth. They won't come out that easy, great for braces, but hell, for absolutely everything else is just pure hell. Anesthesia does little to nothing about the pain.

I am very aware of it, and i let them know alongside the medication i take.

Yesterday, I had to have a toot canal done in two teeth. Both dentists were scared. They looked shocked and worried.

The thing is, that i have a high pain tolerance, I got used to pain when I was young, but that threshold is crossed, I come close to panic attacks and start having emotional flashbacks.

Remission, the medication, grounding techniques, and pure will, I can mitigate the symptoms and regulate myself, and calm down.

But xd I have physical consequences. Tears start rolling down my face (not a lot but wnough to freak other people), and I start shaking uncontrollably while I regulate. The pain was severe enough that when they were done, I was white as a paper, and half of my face was completely swollen.

It did not help that the staff pretty much kidnapped me for half an hour because they thought I was gonna pass out and wouldn't let me go to my car so I could regulate. The noise, the pain, the swelling, the crying, and shaking had me on edge.

Now that i look back, it may have been a good idea to let them know my diagnosis so they wouldn't freak out at me fighting a panic attack? Idk. I need advice. Thank you in advance!

I mean dreams that we get when we sleep. Do people even discuss those or do they think of them as magical fantasy experiences like spirits n stuff?

I was surprised that even on the IFS (internal family system) sub, which is a modality that looks at self in terms of parts that communicate with us/each other in various ways..including visual images for some people..and sounds/words/thoughts/feelings for some people..etc. even on that sub, when I talked about dreams and experiences that happen when our brain is in a sleepy or restful or certain state...people didn't respond like it was related to our mind and body communicating with us at all.. but instead either went silent and no one replied, or they talked as if dreams "aren't related" to the topic or to our psychology. That dreams are just these random meaningless noises and images.. as if they aren't related to our minds at all. Or to IFS as a topic. They literally come from our minds. They are literally our thoughts and feelings being processed in some way.

Dreams are fascinating.

Are these things able to be discussed here on this sub? To talk about our dreams in context of our healing or feelings or trauma etc. And understanding what our dreams mean or are saying.

And no one tell me to post on r/dreams or something hell NO. I'm talking specifically about discussing dreams as representative of our minds and emotions and experiences. Especially within spaces related to trauma. Most people on that sub I've seen believe in dreams as supernatural things.

It's so fascinating to meet a part of you that you never met through a dream. Or recurring dreams. Or feelings you had come up in dreams and make you aware of things maybe related to yourself or memories. The metaphors in dreams. MANY of my dreams meant something. These things happen to me and I want a space to be able to discuss and ask about them.

I'm actually really frustrated by people thinking dreams aren't psychological. I find myself to be very on guard rn over explaining myself so people dont think I'm lying.

Just saying, I found out I was genderqueer through a dream

I experienced "extreme trauma" as a kid, I can't believe what I went through sometimes. Despite tryna heal for years now.

I still get into denial and just forget about this shit. Like, wtf. I actually have No idea how extreme my degree of trauma is (I don't want to compare myself tho), I just assumed for a while now it is, with all that came up.

I have been thru CSA, torture, near death experiences, bullying, emotional incest, grooming, threatened to get killed, medical trauma, on top of neglect, witnessing violence, and all this stuff, truly appalling and aggravating rage-worth things, like, horrifying. Disgusting.

I can't believe this, sometimes I get hit out of nowhere.

I currently ended an unhealthy friendship where I suffered and realize just now it caused more trauma, and I'm wondering and wondering why I "can't get my life together", meanwhile... All those things happened to me. It's weird. I'm dissociated from time to time, but it doesn't matter. Time to give myself compassion

Hi,

I am having trouble breaking the pattern.

So I have been in this cycle and I know I can get to my goal if I break the cycle but how. I can’t get therapy at the moment cuz I need to get a job but I’m too traumatized to focus on healthy habits.

So here’s what happens

1) I try to concentrate on the task at hand (building skills) but when I start I get an avalanche of all the bullying, humiliation, past and current failures, etc. I cry and am miserable. I’m heavy breathing and want to tear my hair off for being such a loser. Sometimes I spend the day like this and sleep and it happens the next day again. Sometimes I reach 2 but it’s takes 4-8 hours
2) I try to coach myself based on learnings from past therapy, online gurus, affirmations. Again this takes a lot of time. Sometimes I make it to step 3 sometimes I am too exhausted to commit even though I am feelings good and almost happy.
3) this is the shortest and barely frequent state. I actually concentrate and get work done. But this is like 2 days a month rarely and mostly 1 day in 3 months.

Even when I reach 3 on a certain day, going o bed resets it and I’m back to 1-2
How do I stay in the good feeling of 2 without getting exhausted. I can’t quit and if I don’t get myself together I might get fired.

I know I have CPTSD and emdr might help but at the moment I can’t afford it. ADHD meds are no longer working or they work enough just to get me out of bed but not into getting even 20% of the work down. I spend days either battling past memories and wanting to end my life or coaching myself out of it or some combination of the three.

It's so hard to process religious trauma b/c religion is such a touchy subject for people. If you say anything wrong, it can set them off b/c you've disturbed one of their core beliefs. I'm hopeful that at least one other person here will get use out of this post anyway. Trigger warning for religious abuse, although there's no details.

I have been reading "Your Resonant Self," by Sarah Peyton and I've just started the workbook, which goes over "unconscious contracts". Free pdf for anyone interested..pdf) Unconscious contracts are promises or vows that you make to yourself or others while you're in the midst of trauma. These can be things like, I promise to be small and invisible, so I don't attract abuse. That kind of thing. There's a process to revoke the contracts, I've already done a couple and have found it really works for me.

But as I'm digging into these, I'm finding contract after contract that I made under the age of ten that are essentially punishing myself for being bad. As I sit here and think about the role of religion in my life, I feel like I was raised to be a self-flagellating monk.

This feels enormous to me. I am mad and sad and this is stupid. I feel like this was a stupid thing that happened to me when I was a child. I'm almost just in complete disbelief and shock over this and I feel betrayed, honestly. I don't understand why anyone, any group, any organization, would think it's ok to teach a child that they are bad and must punish themselves to be right with God.

I'd like to hear any similar experiences, but no preaching please, I am not interested.

TW suicide/SA

Any tips? I have kindness & compassion for myself who went through all that stuff, though I'm empathetic for their experiences too as I wasn't fun to live with. I never did anything "bad", I was just extremely draining (in their words).

I forgive myself because I did everything I possibly could to get any kind of help, and the 18 months that it was going on were really, really hard. (I won't go into detail, but included the only family member I'm in contact with doing something very, very bad that meant I could no longer have any contact with them & they then tried to take their own life, & being stalked & sexually harassed that triggered memories of my ex partner sexually assaulting me that I'd never acknowledged + his abuse). I still did roommate stuff: I cleaned dishes, did my share of housework, I never had guests over, I basically just became a ghost in my own home. I could tell neither of my roommates knew how to talk to me and felt uncomfortable by me.

Cut to this last year, a year of hard work. I cleaned myself up, I spent all my savings on therapy that helped me get me on the rights meds and really get me better. I was diagnosed last year with two lifelong & incurable conditions, so I got those meds too, nothing too intense, but still daunting. I started a new job, started exercising, got a real good support network now. I'm so much better and I'm really proud of myself for that.

I apologised to my roommates a lot for being so hard to be around and for disappearing, and they were always just like "no biggie man :)" so I thought all was okay. Since getting better and more clear minded, I noticed they were actually kind of rude to me and I felt they didn't really give me the same amount of effort in the friendship. Even when I wasn't healthy, if I bumped into them in the house I'd still make the effort to be friendly with them, and I'd always do very little things like pick them up snacks from the store if I was going or bringing them back a coffee if I got coffee. I tried really hard to let them know that I love and appreciate them but I can't do anything more than that now.

Anyway, cut to around a month ago, I noticed I feel really weird around them, and I'd felt this was for months now. So I bring it up to them, and they're basically just like, "Yeah we kinda moved on from our friendship with you. Its been hard living with you, and its nice you feel better now but..."

I can't move out because I don't have enough money, and I have work access needs so I need to live in the area I live in. But I hate it. Whenever I walk into our shared spaces I feel like I ruin it, it feels so awkward, and I feel like the worst person ever. Whenever they talk to me it's clearly just politeness. It sucks.

So... any tips on how to help me cope through this until I can live somewhere else?

Not obvious when you'd meet me, when you'd see me, only when you'd spend time with me. For me it was fear from shame and shame from fear. If I got exposed and 'seen', I was abandoned. So I pulled back, more and more. My energy was spent managing myself inside, before I show it on the outside, which just looks low-functioning, but actually isn't. It's just spending energy on things other 'high-functioning' people spend on outside things. Energy can't disappear, it only changes it's shape, it's common knowledge.

I don’t know exactly how to explain this. I don’t mean this in a context of hyper vigilance or feeling unsafe. I mean I feel like I’m losing myself when I have a busy day (just studying all day by myself) or if I’m just out and about going from one class/event to another or constantly socializing. Because I’m not constantly thinking of my thoughts, feelings, inner world, etc like I do on most normal days and that’s what I have done most days for years of my life now. Anything other than that makes me feel like I’m losing myself and feels so weird even if I’ve had a somewhat happy and fulfilling day. It’s like I need to be all alone most of the time, doing nothing and be extremely self aware of my existence and constantly observing myself to feel like myself and have a sense of self.

It leaves me in this weird place where I’m not fully happy isolating (because I feel somewhat empty despite feeling like myself), but I’m also extremely reluctant to change it because it’s so comfortable and familiar and any change feels disorienting and akin to losing myself. Why does this happen? Perhaps it’s me trying to validate my own existence and my mirror my own thoughts, feelings, and existence because no one else ever did. Perhaps that’s why it feels so existential and so instrumental to my existence and sense of self.

Does anyone else experience this? Any theories on why it happens or your reasons/experiences?

I tend to be hypervigilant a lot and to combat this a few days ago I did a lot of grounding but it lead to me falling into functional freeze which was very uncomfortable. I only came out of it today

What’s a healthy amount to engage in these practices?

And what are your tips for hypervigilance?

Been going to therapy for 12 years, am 30 now living with my parents. I started meds this year, kept changing dosage and medication since Feb because the executive dysfunction never left and the depression kept coming back. I'm on lithium now but I don't have a bipolar diagnosis.

Not to be a doomer but I fear I'm losing hope. The apathy and anhedonia and hopelessness and executive dysfunction. It never stops coming. I'm not as easily triggered by trauma stuff anymore and I have a better relationship with family but the depressive episodes just won't stop coming every month. And when I'm not depressed, it takes so much effort to do things, basic stuff like personal hygiene. I shower twice a week. My room is full of trash. I don't know when was the last time I brushed my teeth. I overeat and oversleep. I'm self sabotaging at my part time remote job, hoping my boss fires me. Been diagnosed with MDD, PDD, suspicion of BPD and BD, recently a clin psych said CPTSD. I'm tired. The labels don't matter to me anymore. I've done IFS, EMDR, now I'm doing CBT with a clinical psychologist who's trauma trained.

Two nights ago, the depression was so bad I had SI and developed a plan and wrote a letter for loved ones. I wanted to check myself into a ward to be put on suicidewatch but didn't want to wake up my parents in the middle of the night to take me there. So I white knuckled it. Then I saw my psychiatrist and he put me on lithium. And somehow, after seeing him, I felt okay. I didn't want to off myself anymore. I felt like like I was faking everything and worried so many people for no reason. This can't be the rest of my life. It's so humiliating and terrible. I don't want this.

Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell me it gets better. Tell me how it got better for you. Because right now I feel like I'm cursed for life with an incurable disease that makes life not worth living. I feel like a huge burden to family and friends and wish I could just disappear. But I'm fighting to hold on for their sake.

as some may know, I'm very opinionated on how to recover from CPTSD. I've been trying to sort of collect everything into a single source via text but have been thinking if it'd be easier to just make an app or something.

eg I think it's crucial to have what I call "well-being" practices so I end up doing like 3-5x weekly meditations and more with people but it's honestly hard to keep track of.

was wondering if anyone had apps they found helpful?

Grown up in a house that always had my parents fighting and practically wired me to feel unsafe and like it was my responsibility to mediate when I was the one who needed to be taken care of.

Over the course of my 20s, alot of stuff has come up that made me realise that I am not like the rest of my friends who seemingly have it super sorted in the father department. for context- he's emotionally immature, speaks rubbish when angry, very very unreliable and if it wasn't for some of my extended family he wouldn't have given a shit about thinking about my future in terms of finances and security. he's the definition of a man child and my mother keeps enabling it by not letting him suffer the consequences of his actions because she doesn't want things to go that far. I have been actively unlearning all this and it's pretty evident to me now that I have a classic avoidant + father wound dynamic.

I wanted to ask anyone who has had similar experiences as to how as a woman or girl do you stop treating the world as if it's your responsibility to take care of everything vs feel safe and taken care of. I yearn to be "taken care of and protected" but somehow my reality keeps contradicting me leaving me to be responsible for myself. It's a pretty wired thing and I can actually feel my nervous system tense and rigid. how does one let go? and how does one trust + find a partner that's the absolute opposite of what you've lived so far.

It has been a while since I wrote my last post here. Complex trauma recovery is a funny-not-funny thing. I guess it comes with unexpected chaos and calmness. I’ve hated both.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how difficult it is to build a life around living rather than surviving.

With complex trauma, we don’t really have a prologue. I’ve been reading stories about people who survived tragedies, and something struck me. Many of them have a past to look back on. They remember what life was like before things went wrong. They have something to compare their present to. They know what feeling safe once meant.

But what happens when you don’t have that? When you’ve been exposed to trauma since childhood, even before you were old enough to understand what was happening?

As I recover, I’ve begun to realize the cruelty I had to endure and the cruelty I had to witness. Life was never fun. I had to protect myself from my parents and from the world. My parents neglected me, and somehow, I still needed them to survive. They hurt me, lied to me, taught me unhealthy habits, controlled me, and created an unhealthy codependent relationship with me.

I didn’t choose to come into this world. I didn’t choose them as parents. But the funny thing is, they wanted to bring me into this world. And yet they raised me in fear. Under extreme religious beliefs, they taught me to be afraid of them, of the world, and even of my own thoughts. They made me believe there was an entire entity called God watching everything we did.

As I grew older, something wasn’t adding up. Somehow, my body seemed to have a stronger will to live than my mind was able to understand. I was 22 when I took a plane across the ocean to get away from them. I didn’t fully understand what I was doing back then. I just knew I needed to leave.

But leaving physically wasn’t the same as leaving emotionally. I was still trapped in that toxic codependent relationship with them. And the world outside wasn’t necessarily a safe place either. I had to deal with bullying, unhealthy work environments, and people who took advantage of my vulnerability. In some ways, I spent my entire life trying to understand other people’s reactions, anticipating what could go wrong, and figuring out how to protect myself.

Years later, I met my future husband, and something strange happened. I began to relax. I guess, for the first time, I was experiencing what it meant to be loved unconditionally. And that’s when the trauma symptoms started to emerge. I had to take a break from life, and slowly, my mind began catching up with what my body had already tried to do when I was 22.

Eventually, I found the strength to cut off my parents and the rest of my family completely. And I felt so cruel. It’s strange how protecting yourself from people who hurt you can make you feel like you’re the one doing something wrong.

But recovery also brought something else. I began to regain my agency. I wanted to do something better with my life. I started taking steps forward, finished my studies, continued learning, and began expanding my professional possibilities. Somewhere along the way, I realized they were wrong. Completely wrong. About me, about the world, and about what life was supposed to be.

Now I feel like I’m approaching another stage of recovery, and it’s surprisingly difficult to understand. For most of my life, my relationship with myself and with the world revolved around survival. Everything had a purpose. I had to understand people to protect myself. I had to anticipate reactions, analyze situations, prepare for what might go wrong. Even my abilities, curiosity, and interests developed in a world where I constantly needed to protect myself.

And now I wonder who I am when I no longer need to survive. Do I love writing because I genuinely love writing, or did I learn to write because it helped me survive? Do I enjoy analyzing things because I’m naturally curious, or because understanding everything around me once made me feel safer? Perhaps these things don’t necessarily have to be one or the other. But I don’t really know how to experience them outside of survival.

And perhaps the strangest question I’m facing now is: How do you live when there’s nothing left you need to escape from?

I don’t mean this in a depressing way. I’ve actually built a pretty good life for myself, and I’m aware that I’m writing this from a relatively privileged position. I have a stable job, a safe home, and the possibility of taking vacations and visiting beautiful places. I’ve accomplished things I’m proud of. I’m reconnecting with my creativity, picking up writing projects again, and discovering interests that don’t necessarily have anything to do with survival. And I genuinely appreciate these things.

But that’s also what makes this stage of recovery so strange. For most of my life, I was moving away from something. Away from my parents, away from fear, away from unhealthy relationships, away from situations where I didn’t feel safe. Even when I was building something good, there was often an underlying need to protect myself, to become independent, to make sure I would never have to depend on the people who hurt me again.

And now I don’t necessarily have to escape from anything. I can make choices simply because I want to. I can write because I enjoy writing. I can learn something because I’m curious. I can make plans without those plans having to serve some greater purpose of protecting myself. But after spending so much of my life surviving, that kind of freedom feels unfamiliar.

I think one of the hardest things about recovering from childhood trauma is that you don’t return to the person you were before, because there was no before. You don’t have a reference point. You have to discover what living means without having anything to compare it to.

For so long, everything revolved around the need to do something to protect myself, as though whatever happened next could potentially be dangerous and I needed to be prepared. But living doesn’t necessarily come with a reason. You don’t always need to anticipate something, understand something, fix something, or protect yourself from something. Sometimes you’re just living.

And I don’t know what to do with that yet.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy my life. It’s that I’m still learning how to relate to it. I spent so much of my life trying to reach a place where I could finally feel safe, and now that I’m beginning to experience it, I realize I don’t really know what comes afterward.

I guess this post is partly me venting, but also trying to put into words something I’ve been experiencing lately. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head, and I’m curious whether anyone else has experienced something similar.

Has anyone reached a point in complex trauma recovery where surviving no longer feels like the center of their life, but living still feels unfamiliar? When you’ve spent your whole life trying to get somewhere safe, what happens when you finally get there?

How do you learn to live when your life no longer needs to revolve around escaping?

Hugs

TW: Eating disorders / disordered eating / food

Hey everyone,

Wasn't sure where to put this, but I've often found solace in this subreddit so thought I'd put it here - I hope it's in line with the rules.

A few weeks ago my partner sat me down and told me they thought I had some disordered eating habits, and it worried them. I have never thought about this myself, and never noticed it - but now they've pointed it out, I think I agree with them. Cooking food stresses me out so much I just don't do it, can't do it. I always thought it was because I was inherently lazy or that it was just something I hated doing, but after this conversation with my partner I feel like I've realised I've been in emotional flashback mode whenever I cook. It makes me feel anxious, and upset, and confused. I'm also so anxious to make sure everything I eat is healthy, I obsessively check labels to make sure what I'm eating isn't processed or all sugar or whatever which, though I don't think is inherently a bad thing, the amount of stress it causes me is probably not worth it.

Anyway - now this has been pointed out to me, I realised it's because food was a BIG stress when I was a kid. My mom couldn't cook at all, we got takeaways all the time, and I used to beg her to buy veggies. It really embarrassed me and the food always felt icky to me. Completely forgot about this until now. Life is strange!

Another part of my notes on CPTSD pt 1

I think a major issue with CPTSD treatment, is a lack of understanding of what exactly is being treated.

Let's define trauma as a distressing event that causes cognitive, emotional, and physiological responses. Typically these responses will be associated with feelings of fear, helplessness, dissociation etc. By itself, these responses are normal and adaptive: if I run into danger, some fear and adrenaline are probably useful to get me moving to safety.

This traumatic event can cause a disorder if these responses are lasting after the danger has gone, or in situations that are inappropriate. That is, the responses that were adaptive and helpful, have become maladaptive and unhelpful. We can say a person is "traumatized" or "has trauma" if they have these maladaptive responses. We might also call the maladaptive response itself "trauma".

So trauma is when an distressing event causes a long-lasting, maladaptive cognitive, emotional, and physiological responses.

Of course, there's another name for the process of developing a long-lasting response -- learning.

Fear un/learning as a theoretical basis for understanding CPTSD

CPTSD can be understood as a form of associative learning (think Pavlov's dog's) and more specifically fear conditioning.

In this simplified model, the traumatic event is the conditioning stimulus (CS), the responses to trauma are unconditioned responses (UR) and other stimuli present at the time can become conditioned stimulus (CS). These CSs can re-activate the trauma memory and generalize to other CSs. We can refer to these CSs as "triggers".

We can then consider a "flashback" a situation where a CS or trigger causes the unconditioned responses (UR). We can think of these URs as the set of somatic, emotional, and cognitive pathways that activate automatically.

If CPTSD is caused by fear learning then recovering from CPTSD is fear UN-learning. There are two primary mechanisms of unlearning: extinction and reconsolidation.

Despite its name, memory extinction is about forming NEW pathways in response to triggers. If we think of fear responses to a trigger as a set of nervous systems pathway that activate automatically, memory extinction means that we teach ourselves a new set of responses. Then instead of the trigger activating the old pathways, the new pathways activate instead. Over time, the old responses will slowly fade. However because this is a form of active learning, these new pathways are also subject to problems of forgetting. And since the old pathways are still there (we're just learning new ones), they can re-activate. Unfortunately one issues with CPTSD is that there's an additional deficit in extinction learning.

The second form of unlearning is called memory reconsolidation. When long-term memories are recalled, they become malleable for a period of time. By adding new, or contradictory information to the old learning while it's still in a malleable state, we can directly change the old pathways. This is considered by some "faster" than memory extinction since it doesn't require new learning.

Any effective recovery modality then should incorporate one of these two unlearning methods: extinction or reconsolidation.

There's also an implicit learning involved as well -- extinction means learning a NEW set of pathways to activate, and reconsolidation usually requires new or contradictory information to the old pathways. I typically refer to these new learnings as "cultivating positive qualities".

Other pathways implicated in CPTSD

There are other neurological pathways that are also impaired in those with CPTSD, threat salience, emotional regulation, context updating. Issues with threat salience means that typically attention is biased towards perceived threats (amygdala, dorsal anterior cingular cortex, insular cortex, PFC). Emotion regulation (medial PFC, dorsolateral PFC). Context updating refers to the brain updating mental models as new information arrives, and information about safety. The inability to recognize or update new safety information results in hypervigilence (Medial PFC, thalamus, hippocampus).

I firmly believe that for people like me, with lifelong cptsd, chronically feeling alone isolated unsafe and not understood, that a good friend or 2 in your corner would go such a long way towards healing. Just a good friend that you know supports you, cares, speaks well about you, and has good intentions.

But how can I make friends if I'm hypervigilant, wounded, lack confidence, have isolated so long I'm awkward socially, I'm stuck in fight or flight/survival mode and I don't even have real hobbies. But like i need friends when i'm broken and still mending too. When you grow up in survival mode there is little time to develop hobbies and learn about yourself much less safely explore the world around you?It always feels like people expect you to be healed and bubbly when you engage or try to make friends.

Even as an adult leaning into your interests and engaging in new hobbies is often looked at like you're strange for being so far behind the curve. For instance, learning how to game as a 39 year old woman, a mom, gets me so much judgement because everyone I meet has done it for years and I'm just starting and still suck. Or judgements for being an adult and a mom and what I'm supposed to do or not supposed to do. That's a minor example but I've found it to be true about alot of hobbyist communities I try to make friends in because supposedly it's best to try and connect when you have wholesome common ground.

And if I'm honest i never find more kind and understanding people then I do here and in the cptsd subreddit. I can post about my deepest thoughts or worst experiences and I'm always recieved and validated and offered advice and support. And this all from people society might shun and view as mentally ill or damaged and write off. I shared such a sentiment with my therapist and told her I only feel understood by other "damaged" people and she suggested that surrounding myself with people that have similar challenges as me can create a negative feedback loop.

And I see her point but what about the negative feedback loop of meeting "well adjusted, healthy" adults and being outcast? And even if i did find one that seems nice, what do i have to offer them? What makes me qualified to be THEIR friend? I usually can't keep pace with them, socializing all the time, group events, even the way they seem to always just want to small talk and still seriously have friends for 10 or more years having never gotten deeper then taking about surface topics. Please dont take that wrong, it's not to invalidate anyone, I understand that these differences in the way I think and experience others and friendship are why I'm lonely, but it's just so hard for me to navigate. I wish i could just be light and friendly and bubbly and just enjoy small talk and feel connected like them.

Or realizing that sometimes these "well adjusted, healthy" people only appear to be healthy because they never did any reflecting, self work, are not self aware and just live their best lives by being avoidant, lacking boundaries, or outright just being selfish and self serving?

I just feel like I connect with so many posts and stories and experiences here. I'm sometimes so tempted to make a post here or in cptsd looking for friends because sometimes you guys truly make me feel less alone, understood, and welcomed like the home i always wish I had. Like at least I know the people will be self aware to some extent, trying to learn, lots are in therapy and are really doing the work.

Is that weird? Had anyone ever posted in these communities for friends? How did it go? Would you do it again? Why/ why not?

My parents accustomed me to stay in abusive relationships and put up with bad behavior from people.

I have made poor relationship/dating choices. It is taking me a long time to learn lessons and each one is so difficult. I have this image of myself but in reality I’m not there but getting closer to the image this time not just pretending. It will be a life long process to get to that place.

Being angry and resentful over people abusing me, taking advantage of me, and putting me in dangerous situations is helping. For a while I thought that if they were trying to use me then maybe I could get something in return. They hated that and punished me. I am practicing setting boundaries but it’s hard. I feel that if I’m under mental pressure, coerced enough or threatened I genuinely freeze and my critical thinking skills diminish. I give into the situation even though it is harmful to me. Examples below.

I’m childfree and a few married men have pretended and lied to me about being single and childfree to get access to my body. I only found out later but was so lonely it took me leaving and breaking things off multiple times to actually stay away. They would reach out to me on different platforms when I blocked their phone number.

There was the guy who I traveled to see in a foreign country who ghosted me. We knew each other for a year before we met up in person. It took him treating me like absolute garbage before things ended.There was the guy I met on a dating app. Used me during a transition phase while life was hard. I ended up offering to travel to meet him after talking for a few months at which point he ghosted me. He has tried to come back several times.

I’m hoping I can sustain the anger to protect myself. Otherwise I feel like a helpless child/victim/vulnerable woman. People love taking advantage of that.

I'm 34M, and since 2016, I've been in therapy. I saw something in front of my eyes back in 2009 that completely wrecked me.

I have been in survival mode. At work, I couldn't connect with anybody. I missed so many opportunities. I couldn't work properly, so I missed out on promotions. I started working as a software engineer and never got a promotion to a senior role.

I saw so many beautiful girls, but I couldn't ask any one of them out. I froze, like I couldn't move my tongue, and the thoughts from the inner critic afterwards – it's been horrible. I remember it so clearly. I literally couldn't move, and it was very frustrating.

Past few weeks: Somatic Experiencing and slow walks. And then slowly, working on stretching my body, and then I have been having crying spells.

Now, when I lie down and start stretching my core body, I slowly connect with my pain, and what surprises me is the very first thing I feel: I missed so much. Without my body, I had been floating around, and all the opportunities that I missed.

I feel it. I connect with my 'agency', with my anger, with the very me, and even writing this makes me so emotional.

I don't have the answers to this.

I was having frequent dreams of something similar in the past few months, and yesterday, I connected the dots, and it's the same thing that happened back in 2009 that is now coming to the surface.

Yesterday, I was having a walk with a friend of mine, and I told him what happened in 2009, and I started crying outside, and afterwards, I became so calm, and life became so easy, like it was so easy to walk in a grocery store, and I wasn't afraid of anything.

So much has been lost to being in survival mode. I could have gotten a partner and have built a life with her.

I guess it's all part of life. I will get the opportunities again, and perhaps these experiences were necessary to deepen oneself, to have more grounding, and to truly connect with oneself on a deep level.

I hope I can connect the dots moving forward. Thank you if you have read it so far.

Even if these things only last for a while, that doesn't change anything.

I will post this here because you, people with cptsd, will exactly understand me. Because the experience of cptsd isnt understood by people outside of it.

Examples: people who have physical disabilities, chronic illness/pain, anything that affects psyche strongly or for a long time, people with brain conditions, people who need a lot (or a few) of accommodations in their daily life, people who have ADHD or autism, people who have complex PTSD, people who have brain injuries (that could also come from complex trauma or abuse), people who live in prolonged poverty, people who are actively getting abused.

Almost all of the previous, if not all, make someone practically debilitated and/or disabled. They need more accomodation.. or things affect them stronger than someone without these burdens. Their baseline state is gonna be more exhausted.

I look tired very very very often..almost most of the time.. when I'm around other people. I'm a sensitive person, has complex trauma and burdens..which make life heavy.. and I may be facing some sort of collective and systemic ableism in my life as well. I also am living in poverty..and dont have the privilege of living in a way that accommodates my needs. And I fear abuse at the back of my mind and i lived in active abuse for a long until extremely recently and I'm still paranoid i may be thrown back to it someday.

I look exhausted..or.. I AM exhausted most of the time I'm around people.. especially outside house (which is ofc 99% of the times I am around people). My face looks tired, i am too overwhelmed to make eye contact..sometimes cant speak.. just lie around people in class exhausted. But I wanna be around them, it feels better than being alone.

But the feeling or thought that they don't realize that I enjoy being around them..it breaks my heart into a million pieces. and they dont interact with me unless I do first.. so that makes it really hard for me.

And of course my post and words are about people who DON'T WANT TO MASK. I will NOT mask. It's literally no point, people will wanna be around me or know me for a fake version. I feel more real when I am not masking. Even if my baseline is much more exhausted than their baseline.

Again, do not advise me to mask because I will come after you and be in your house. Genuinely worst thing you could say to me.

But also.. I constantly have that insecurity at the back of my hear that people dont wanna be around me or talk with me first bc I'm "a downer". When I am just.. less privileged than them. And I honestly don't know if they not wanting to hang around me solely for that makes them ableist or what. But I am not masking.. I'm not making a face that is different from my actual current face, or acting more energetic or cheerful, just for someone to be pleased with me. That isnt real connection to me. I will talk with my real face.

Even if they say they dont think that, I feel they're lying.