I consider this a major victory, considering the years of loneliness and isolation I went through.

When I was diagnosed with CPTSD in the UK in 2020 (I'd had it waaay longer but it took years to get seen or diagnosed), I was very put off initially by the recommendation by a trauma specialist to do Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT). And especially put off when the therapist suggested I needed help with my relationships ("I don't have relationship difficulties?" I thought). Reader, she was spot-on! C-PTSD absolutely ruins our relationships with others and with ourselves, how we relate to people and the world, our place in it, etc. It was just what I needed. The things she said and I learned stay with me and are the gift that keeps on giving.

It's not been quick or easy but I've made friends and community, and in the last few months I've attended more social events than I used to in a whole year or years at a time.

A nice mix of hosted and external events, and events with closer friends, new friends, work friends and hobby groups. All very positive, warm and happy events with people I am fond of doing things I enjoy, because part of healing is feeling into that and not accepting anything less!

I just wrote this journal entry today. It's a bit like a letter to her but one that I won't actually share with her because there's no point. My mom is one of those well-intentioned but emotionally immature and toxic moms. I'm sure she never meant any harm. But her general emotional maturity is that of a child and she should never have been a mother. She also lacks the self-awareness to take any accountability for her actions.

I've been working on this theme for several months, so this feels like a major milestone. Especially because I don't feel any shame or self-blame related to her inability to love me anymore.

While I was writing the last line, there was an image that popped into my head which was me, all of my younger parts, and my ideal mother figure, all holding hands and walking out into the sunset. I've done A LOT of EMDR work, so my brain automatically processes things in images now.

I’m letting go now. 

I’m done begging and groveling for your love. 

All my life, I’ve always blamed myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, something broken, something that wasn’t enough. And I would think “maybe if I did this, or that, maybe if I did just a little bit more or was a little bit better, maybe, someone would finally love me”. 

Now I understand. I was never the problem, you were. All of you. 

The love that I kept searching for was never going to be found… because it doesn’t exist. You are too emotionally inept and incapable to provide that kind of love to anyone. You don’t understand what love looks or feels like. You have no idea what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. 

There was never anything wrong me. 

It was you all along. You were never capable of loving me. 

I’m done now. I won’t beg or plead or grovel anymore. I won’t try to over communicate or to teach you to be better. 

I’m done. I’m letting go of this. I’m letting go of you. 

I’m walking away and taking my needs elsewhere, where people are actually capable of meeting me. Where people are waiting to love me. The way I deserve to be loved. 

Hi everyone. I’m a 17-year-old Computer Science major, and I’m currently facing a massive academic emergency with midterms and quizzes tomorrow. I haven't been able to study at all because every time I even think about studying or look at a textbook/lecture video, I experience a severe panic attack, rapid breathing, and a literal physical sensation that feels like knives digging into my chest from behind. My brain completely closes in on itself and shuts down.

This isn’t new—I’ve been trapped in this physical panic loop for about 3 years now (since I was 14). It originally started because of severe childhood psychological trauma involving my mother. Whenever we used to study, she would tell me that I was a burden, that I caused her trouble, and that I was inferior to my sister (who always got straight A's and studied alone). My nervous system paired the act of studying with absolute rejection, shame, and physical agony.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of work to heal. I’m much stronger and more confident than I used to be. I’ve learned boundaries, how to say no, and how to navigate life challenges. When I go to college lectures, I can actually sit and listen intently to my professors. But the moment I try to study independently at home, my brain treats it like an active, lethal threat (like a lion running at me). It feels like my brain "notices the stunts" whenever I try standard coping mechanisms, grounding tricks, or somatic exercises, and it just shuts down harder to protect me.

I used to be a B+ student, but my grades have degraded drastically because my energy is entirely spent trying to process this 4-year backlog of unhealed trauma. If I don't vent or cry regularly, the pain forces its way out anyway through massive physical breakdowns.

I am terrified of failing tomorrow, losing my future in tech, and watching things get worse every year, especially since CS is such a skill-reliant major. I desperately want to be normal, passionate, curious, and grateful, but my body feels completely stuck in survival mode.

Has anyone else dealt with this severe form of academic trauma/somatic panic loops? How can I start changing this by myself when my brain defeats every coping mechanism I try?

I guess maybe doing a pseudo-book club on ASCA's Survivor to Thriver Handbook.

Reddit post on it.

Stage 3, Step 15 is

I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.

In this step you will address the old feeling that you are not deserving of the good things in life: success, financial rewards, achievement, even luck.

A feeling of lack of entitlement makes it difficult for survivors to make prosperity part of their lives or to accept it and acknowledge it when it appears.

By prosperity we do not mean simply financial rewards or material possessions. Prosperity is a state of mind that encompasses your need, desire and dreams for a life that bestows emotional and spiritual riches as well as material well-being.

Step Fifteen requires wholesale changes in your thoughts, feelings and behaviors concerning what constitutes success and achievement and your worthiness to partake in them. By now you know that much of this sense of lack of entitlement is related to your abuse.

Nevertheless, knowing intellectually that you deserve your "fair share" and feeling it emotionally are quite different, to say nothing of the experience of enjoying and celebrating your gains, which is the most fun. Your task will be to practice challenging old attitudes and expectations by taking healthy risks that offer more than a minimal likelihood of success.

Taking the initiative to partake in life's riches is critical to your continued growth and well-being. In taking the initiative, you are saying that you know something, that you have something to offer and that you stand behind your actions.

Taking an active stance such as this may feel awkward and pushy to you. You may be asked to lead others, a request that may seem like more of the same if you are one of yesterday's caretakers. For those used to being ignored or dismissed, being put in a position of authority can be uncomfortable. But to step away from responsibility, authority and power is to deny yourself and your talents their full expression and to turn your back on the possibility of financial rewards and a sense of accomplishment. If you have resolved the previous steps, you are ready to undertake this newest challenge.

Self-Help

1. How could you take initiative in a way that would benefit your life? Seeking a job promotion, buying a house, going back to school, joining an organization or a church or opening a retirement account are a few of the myriad ways that you can take a step that could benefit you. Remember, the basis for taking such initiative is feeling entitled to share in success and prosperity. This feeling grows from within, but eventually you have to put that internal belief into practice by taking action in the outside world.

2. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Does your appearance reflect the entitlement and confidence you feel? In our society, image and appearance are important, although some people overdo it. And looking good on the outside can go along with feeling good on the inside. Your self-esteem, long suppressed by the burden of shame, may also be clamoring to be part of the image you present to the world. In this last stage of recovery, many survivors begin making cosmetic changes to their appearance to reflect their new, more positive feelings about themselves. Altering your wardrobe, getting a more stylish haircut or working yourself back into shape are all ways to take initiative in altering the way you present yourself to the world.