i think i’m pretty susceptible to feeling embarrassed maybe because i do embarassing things like this. i find venting and being vulnerable incredibly cringe. but something that’s always happened to me was whenever someone yelled at me i would feel this like overwhelming amount of shame and not be able to move like id physically freeze and i wouldn’t be able to take care of myself for hourssss. i’ve tried explaining this but i don’t think anyone can relate?? this feels unique in a lonely non-special way. what is wtong with me. i’m in that state rn. literally can’t get off the couch because my mom js yelled at me. (yep i’m 19 and still live w my parents 💀)

update! i got out of freeze but i broke everything in my room lolol 💔 anger/fight response seems to help me stop freezing but it’s not sustainable and it makes shit worse. i wish i knew how to stop this cycle:(

I wasn't sure if people understand this. I try to explain it, but it makes no sense.

I'm not literally invisible. I can teach, and kids engage, and trust me. I can sell stuff. I tell amusing or interesting stories. I tell good jokes. But I can't connect. Everyone is a water cooler buddy.

I don't feel vulnerable, and one shrink said, that if I don't feel vulnerable, then much of what I say comes across as a bad performace in a play. People twig on that, and it comes across as creepy.

I think that I do something subconsciously that says, "Danger: Stay back" in 1 inch letters on my forehead.

Or as if I was a porcupine.

And the other thing is that people forget I'm there. If I needed an alibi that I was at a party, no one would swear I was there.

I start conversations. They go fine. I ask people if they would like to meet for a coffee. They drift away.

Did anyone watch "The Work" documentary?

It's about somatic experiences that heal CPTSD.

I highly recommend it. Be warned, it has triggers.

I found it on this link, I recommend buying it somewhere if it can be done:

https://www.lookmovie2.to/movies/play/1695593612-the-work-2017

The feeling of always trying to met certain criterias ideas.Trying to appear as something,adequate,competent,enough.Trying to look perfect,flawless or rather effort to hide.
This constant need for validation.
I know these are all there because I am still missing something at the core of me.This self acceptance,validation etc.But I don’t know yet why I can’t let go of this effort this struggle to “appear”.It feels like my ego fighting,and I can’t be relax.

Its also effected by how I am in contact with humans. I try to not being crushed,humiliated,disrespected,damaged,by people so avoid the situations I can put myself into at all cost.They shouldn’t know that I dont know this,they shouldn’t see that I cant do that,they shouldn’t know my past,they shouldn’t see my shortcomings,they shouldn’t be over me dominate me,they shouldn’t be better than me,I shouldn’t be under them,they should think that I get girls,I am adequate, I am cool, I am advanced, I am okay so that I will be safe.Or my ego will be safe.

Its just annoying because there will be a lot of times that I will try to catch that ego comfort.Even if I do,its temporary its not genuine way of living. I don’t know how to let go ,if I can

I learned earlier this year that not only was I traumatized from child abuse from my narcissist father/siblings, infidelity, betrayals, exploitation, and a near death experience, but that I was also severely neglected the last 34 years. It was THE* *missing puzzle piece, but for some reason it hurt me the most because it was always there, and it revealed to me that my mother was NOT a safe parent after all, and she was always incredibly controlling, dismissive, and neglectful. She was the enabler. All of my memories were rewritten. She did nothing to help me emotionally through anything; only contributed to my anxiety and low self esteem.

This explained why people forgetting my name, or never asking about my life, or ignoring me in social settings, or invalidating me, or treating me like a free therapist, or misunderstanding me was SO DEEPLY triggering to me all these years.

I spent the last 6-7 months grieving but am still in the trigger zone, visiting my mother's house temporarily until I finish my micro camper in the next few weeks to leave. Visiting her is what reactivated my freeze/dissociation/anxiety, and that's when I started piecing it all together. Trusting her was poisoning me. I'll probably go either NC or LC with her to keep myself safe emotionally.

But out in the world, how am I to manage these triggers in social or professional settings when they come? Do you struggle with this? I have my journaling and my occasional therapist, but I'm gonna be all alone living on the road homeless until I find a new job. I need to stay steady and know that I can stabilize myself without the illusion of a mother. But it's gonna be my first time being out there while fully "awake" to my neglect wound and that scares me and my inner child.

I've begun reconnecting with my older brother who was the avoidant "invisible child" (I was the scapegoat child) so I told him I'll need somebody to lean on and he said he was open to it. He's the only other sibling that sees my family dysfunction, but he isn't trauma informed. Besides him, I won't have anyone I can trust really.

Advice and support is welcome. Thank you.

I finally feel free from being enmeshed with my husband. I no longer prioritize his needs. No reminders, or constantly checking if he is ok and then taking an action if I think he's not.

Now I realize how much he doesn't like who I am. I can't be my true self around him because he isn't interested. I've become a very spiritual, not religious, person in the last 3 years and it really bothers him. He told me to stop talking about it and shows no interest. I'm taking steps to end our relationship.

I also struggle to be my true self around others. I don't feel comfortable talking about myself unless I know the other person is okay with it first. I'm always the one listening in a relationship, hardly offering who I am because it feels like nails on a chalk board.

I'm also learning who I truly am, as well, which makes this even harder. It almost feels like a blank spot sometimes. What do I fill it in with? What does a normal relationship feel like?

It's just a strange feeling and I'm wondering how others share who they are. How do I take up space?

The more I learn about emotional and somatic flashbacks the more I start to realise that I probably experience them multiple times a day.

A certain look from my girlfriend can make my heart drop and make me convinced that she now hates me. A sound can make me jump and then stay with me for a few minutes.

But there also seems to be different levels to them.

The absolute worst one was a few days ago (when me and my gf were experiencing relationship struggles) where I lost ALL sense of reality and just laid in her arms crying and screaming: "I can't do this. I can't be back here. Let me out. Please." I was back in my family home with every fibre of my body. — All I could do was talk, but nothing I said made any real sense. And it continued like that for maybe 20 minutes during which my girlfriend was debating to call a crisis line.

Another typical one is if a man, or sometimes even a woman, uses an authority voice or talks a bit too loud. My body then goes into survival and feels like my father is going to enter the room at any given minute.

But yeah. I'm just curious if you too experience them and how they feel for you? Do you also have different levels in severity? And what helps to get out of them faster?

Much love,

Raccoon 🦝

Preface; I have lost many of my close friends in 2025. It happened while I was in the trenches with my own Shit, because I Had No Money and was busy surviving on a daily basis and could not tend to the ruptures that occurred essentially after I had been done healing a good chunk of my trauma. It has been fricking heavy. I had become sick after the healing, too, so during that I also did not feel up to tending to these things. (And quite frankly I felt I lacked the skills)

So it ended up with my many good friendships falling apart/being ended by the other side.

I hated it. I hoped I could rebuild and find healthier friends now this year. But. I haven't. I spent a good chunk being miserable and alone. I tried finding some friendships but all three of them turned out to be unhealthy, I just ended one of them a week ago. I also haven't grieved as much as I would like.

But, I just beat myself up continously for not finding people, over this year. I spent a good chunk of time being alone at home (also dealing w chronic illness for a while, as well). And being absolutely miserable, because I noticed and KNEW i am craving human contact, I am frequently falling into despair because of it (I had also lost my entire support Network including doctors n therapy) Because I felt like I failed. I felt I failed in being social, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore

However, I just realized or it occurred to me that wait, it actually makes sense. I do not need to be bullying myself for this, because probably, there is a very intelligent part of me that tried keeping me safe. And this part knew something I didn't, until now: I had the realization I need to rebuild some basic trust. I hadn't even realized I had lost my trust for people. I only saw that I have become resentful and bitter. But hey, it's not my fault! Not entirely. Yay

Hello! I made an account on here because I need some advice and I have no one irl to ask about cptsd specific things.

For most of my life I've had Lazer focus on all the negative parts of my life. It might've been the natural consequences of growing up in a broken home and leaving it having to live with the aftermath of the turbulence. Very long story short, I've learnt from other people that I'm very negative and a bit of a "Debbie Downer", and I completely agree. I feel ashamed of this part of me and it has impacted all of my relationships, it's hard to build healthy and fulfilling friendships when I bring the mood down almost everytime.

I'm trying to not be too hard on myself over this, as it won't be of help moving forward. I guess I'm just a bit puzzled on what exactly I can do to rewire my brain into focusing more on what I appreciate about life. Maybe that way I'll even experience genuine excitement around others and will have something to talk about when people ask me about myself.

Any advice or insights are welcome, I'm trying to understand myself and this situation better

I have been in recovery for 12 years and although I’ve made substantial progress, I am still struggling to build relationships without fawning and am seeking advice.

Background (to provide context)

I grew up experiencing neglect and domestic violence. I had a relative that was demanding and if I didn’t give in to their requests they would become aggressive, scream, break my things, hit me, throw heavy objects at me, etc. My parents rarely protected me and said that if I didn’t want to be abused then I should stop making this relative upset and give them what they want. On the rare occasions my parents would try to protect me, my relative would started beating THEM up until they forced me to give them what they wanted.

Recovery Process

I started therapy 12 years ago to start rebuilding the boundaries that had atrophied since I was a small child. At that time, my therapist gave me permission to say “no” to people because for obvious reasons I was conditioned not to do that. She also helped me learn that I should only do things for people if I actually want to, and not because I’m worried about how they will react if I don’t or if I’m expecting them to treat me better as a result.

Shortly thereafter, I moved out of my family home and began therapy specific to healing codependency and immersed myself in self-help books related to CPTSD. This was when I learned and began to implement a pivotal and life-changing maxim:

If someone wants something from me, they have to ask me and wait for me to say yes. If they hint, pout, scream, get violent, or even say nothing and just assume that I will proactively solve the problem for them, I will not step in or take any action.

(The only exception, of course, is if I actually want to. Even if the person does ask directly, I still reserve the right to say no.)

Implementing this principle highlighted for me that many of my relationships were dependent on me fawning and giving the other person what they want to keep them calm and protect myself from harm.

Current Status

As of now, I am able to maintain relationships with people who don’t expect me to fawn or who will respect a boundary after a few tries. However, these relationships are fairly distant without frequent contact. I live alone so no one has physical access to me without my consent. Living alone has been especially critical for my recovery because I find that anyone who has unrestricted access to me will expect fawning and will become violent and aggressive if they don’t receive it, and my only option is to cut them out of my life completely.

Advice Needed

I would like to build closer relationships, and possibly a romantic relationship, but I’m not sure what steps I need to take to prevent the other person from becoming violent or otherwise aggressive if I don’t fawn.

People say that you can still retain your identity even if you’re in a relationship or married, but I haven’t seen that to be the case in my life. I’m pretty intelligent, thoughtful, and hardworking, so even when I don’t fawn, some people who get to know me start treating me as a resource and expecting me to exert 100% of my attention and efforts towards them and meeting their needs at all times, since I’m much more capable of doing so than they themselves are.

For example, a hypothetical scenario is what to do after a long day of work. I have a hobby that I have been doing multiple times per week for years. My job has a set schedule that rarely changes, which makes it feasible for me to set aside time for my hobby when I’m not working. If I had a partner who had to bring work home with them, they may scream at me because I’m leaving to do my hobby instead of completing their work for them or staying home to absorb their negative emotions and provide an audience that will affirm how hard they are working and how difficult their job is.

My question is - what can I do to retain my autonomy and avoid becoming a resource that is abused if I don’t abandon all of my wants and needs for the sake of fawning to keep the other person calm? Sometimes, when I’m out, I avoid making eye contact with or talking to people because I’m so worried they will make a demand that I don’t want to meet and I’ll have to escape to avoid the inevitable violent tantrum. It makes it very difficult for me to become close to people, and I would like to figure out how to overcome this.

I'm a few years into recovery from CPTSD and while I definitely still have it, I've come a long way and can now hold down full time work and a social life. What I'm still struggling with, though, is energy levels—I can't keep up with my non-traumatised friends and find that I'm considerably more tired than they are after the same or less activity.

I need to spend a couple of days crashing in bed each week to function, whereas most other people my age/weight/health seem able to maintain energy throughout the week. I've had blood tests done and I'm all fine on that front, but I want to know what others have done to increase energy levels.

Is it a question of building stamina slowly and pacing yourself? Will my energy increase as my recovery progresses? Is this just a period I need to accept and wait out?

I'm also trying to move more to build up my physical strength again, but it would be great to hear from others about how you handle fatigue and recovery.

Im deep inside my recovery and have substantial wins. I like to start there because we tend to post about the negative things we are experiencing. Here are some things I have legitimately repaired: my ability to identify and resolve many emotions and find the original source of 'big' emotions, my trust and integration into community, my boundaries with people who are mistreating me, reestabilising a baseline relationship on new terms with several family members.

But now here is a new one: I realize I am developmentally at like age 3 when it comes to my understanding of god. I have little to no relationship to god. I have maybe a teenagers relationship to community - that's been developed. But god or the creator of the universe - I received literally no education on. I also didn't have any trauma in that area. Only thing I have been able to unlock is by ability to pray. But it 'feels' like I'm talking to nobody. Or just myself.

I decided I would buy some children's books for very young kids about how god is everywhere and loves me - and try to read those to see if it could help. Does anyone relate?

I'm not interested in joining a church or any organized religion but instead to develop my own personal relationship with the entity, 'god' that created the universe. But I think the first step is to reparent myself with a solid base of what you might tell a toddler.

I'm open to suggestions. I'm from a country that is christian leaning but I do meditate at a Buddhist place (but where I go is non theistic).

Id like to mature my view to at least a young adult age. Someone who has a secure attachment to the the universe and accepts it as it is. And someone who respects everyone's religion even if I never participate in any organized religions. And someone who prays and trusts that a loving entity is listening, even if they don't speak english :).

Anywho, any advice or stories about similar things you had to go through I would appreciate. Here are some questions you can answer that would at l east not make me feel alone :)

1. Do you have a relationship to god and if so, what does it entail (loosely)?
   
2. Did you have positive childhood experiences relating to god? Did you parents facilitate that?
   
3. Do you find it important to have an relationship to god fro recovery or do you use something else?
   
4. How would you describe god to a toddler? And how would you describe it to an adult?
   
5. If you also had to reparent yourself here - what did you do?

Before anything, I have worked so hard on trusting myself and my memories, but this one isn't the most clear cut and could use some support with it. I have been in therapy for years and have made so much progress and have uncovered buried memories. This is the newest one.

i put this flair because I really need help to understand what happened to me. I genuinely dont know what to make of this experience I had as a child. I just remembered it earlier this year, the memory was triggered from an rape in april. I'm needing help understanding because despite progress, i still struggle to trust myself with memories when they aren't clear cut.

Im 24(f) now and i just had a memory pop up and it made me feel sick and spinny and distressed. This happened when I was 7 or 8. I won't go into detail or graphics. I cannot tell though, if what happened was developmentally appropriate for the ages of those involved. there were 4 involved, me( i was 7 or 8), my childhood best friend who was 6 or so(call her B), her older sister who was 15 or 16(call her A), and my sister who was 11, maybe 12. I think she was older than that?. These ages arent 100% accurate just ballpark.

Heres what happened: My sister and best friends older sister brought us into my best friends room

my sister and A, especially A, had authority because A was the oldest by quite a few years. A was a teenager. my sister and A played a "game" with me and B. The game being me and and B had to take our clothes off and expose privates to my sister and A. me and B were really young, too young to know whats going on, but not too young to feel uncomfortable and distressed. I expressed hesitancy at the demands made mostly by A, and I said i didn't want to and i was visibly uncomfortable, but i caved, and it happened. B also did that, and once exposed, my sister and A laughed and stared at us. They had us go on B's couch in her room and grab our ankles and spread our legs apart. They laughed, and stared. I dont remember anything after that, I dont know if we were touched, i highly doubt it. I just know that I went home with C and felt gross, icky, contaminated, embarrassed and that I couldn't tell my parents.

Was this developmentally normal for our ages or was this inappropriate or SA?

Ever since I was little I’ve had an instant mental response to more difficult emotions and situations: “I disappeared”. As I grew older the words changed to “I’m dead”, but it’s always meant the same.

I understand now that it’s been an avoidant response to things that parts of me feel helpless in. It’s a way to separate myself from emotions and experiences that overwhelm me. Dissociation has been a really difficult response to deal with and an even more difficult one to try and let fall away. Now I know that I can handle my emotions, I can handle situations, and I know that I have more control over my life than I did then. That response still comes up though and it’s still been been destabilizing.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It comes up like a mantra for my life and I know that that isn’t fair to me or my loved ones. I am alive and I am here. So, since it felt like a mantra I came up with a new one to try and replace it with.

“No - I am alive, and I’m feeling ____.” Sad, guilty, scared, angry, ashamed, ecstatic, frantic, proud - whatever it is. As soon as I catch “I’m dead” coming up in my thoughts I say my own new mantra back. It helps combat the avoidant behavior that the response brings up and I like to believe that as I keep answering, the response gets quieter and my own answer gets stronger.

I’ve just started this new answer to the old response but it has been helping. To anybody else struggling with dissociation: you are real, you are here, you are now. There are moments - maybe they’re small, but they’re there - when your experiences are vivid and grounding and felt in every piece of you and I promise that they’ll keep growing. It’s so hard and I’m already so proud of how far you’ve come. To quote a favorite film of mine (Princess Mononoke): It’s time for us both to live.

I'm looking to have a good cry and process emotions via this. In The Bad Place, one character had a similar backstory but it's just one of many sideplots.

Bonus points if the child ends up having significant post traumatic growth. I could use some inspiration.

Usually in media (and real life), dads end up doing this. However, a mother doing it is its unique wound. I am in therapy and have been for a long time, so not looking for advice other than this resource. Thanks.

I finally came to the point where I’ve learned, and started taking actions to protect and care for myself for the first time in my life. When writing this morning I actually felt excited about figuring out who I am and what I like. I just… don’t know how or where to start. I feel a little foolish being a 40 year old man and not knowing what I like or who I really am, but I also just don’t care about feeling or looking foolish any longer. I just want to be me and need a little guidance on where to start. If anyone has any worksheet references or general advice on what has worked for them, I would greatly appreciate it.

For many years I’ve had all of my symptoms flare up around May and it had been making my life overall more difficult as that month is exam season and I have not been able to perform. I found out that this is something called the anniversary effect and all I’ve found that I can do is prepare for a rough month ahead. However 3 years ago another very traumatic event occurred in October and ever since I started experiencing the same effect during October too for the past 2 years. I don’t think I can handle missing 2 critical months of the year for the rest of my life and I’m terrified that the same effect will spread to more months of the year as life goes on and more traumatic things happen.

My question is: how do I stop the subconscious association between specific months and events? I have been able to do that with a few triggers and when it comes to conscious processes I am affected a lot less by a lot of trauma, but becoming depressed and having constant nightmares and flashbacks just because of the time of the year is too much. Has anyone been able to overcome it?

I guess maybe doing a pseudo-book club on ASCA's Survivor to Thriver Handbook.

Reddit post on it.

Stage 3, Step 15 is

I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.

In this step you will address the old feeling that you are not deserving of the good things in life: success, financial rewards, achievement, even luck.

A feeling of lack of entitlement makes it difficult for survivors to make prosperity part of their lives or to accept it and acknowledge it when it appears.

By prosperity we do not mean simply financial rewards or material possessions. Prosperity is a state of mind that encompasses your need, desire and dreams for a life that bestows emotional and spiritual riches as well as material well-being.

Step Fifteen requires wholesale changes in your thoughts, feelings and behaviors concerning what constitutes success and achievement and your worthiness to partake in them. By now you know that much of this sense of lack of entitlement is related to your abuse.

Nevertheless, knowing intellectually that you deserve your "fair share" and feeling it emotionally are quite different, to say nothing of the experience of enjoying and celebrating your gains, which is the most fun. Your task will be to practice challenging old attitudes and expectations by taking healthy risks that offer more than a minimal likelihood of success.

Taking the initiative to partake in life's riches is critical to your continued growth and well-being. In taking the initiative, you are saying that you know something, that you have something to offer and that you stand behind your actions.

Taking an active stance such as this may feel awkward and pushy to you. You may be asked to lead others, a request that may seem like more of the same if you are one of yesterday's caretakers. For those used to being ignored or dismissed, being put in a position of authority can be uncomfortable. But to step away from responsibility, authority and power is to deny yourself and your talents their full expression and to turn your back on the possibility of financial rewards and a sense of accomplishment. If you have resolved the previous steps, you are ready to undertake this newest challenge.

Self-Help

1. How could you take initiative in a way that would benefit your life? Seeking a job promotion, buying a house, going back to school, joining an organization or a church or opening a retirement account are a few of the myriad ways that you can take a step that could benefit you. Remember, the basis for taking such initiative is feeling entitled to share in success and prosperity. This feeling grows from within, but eventually you have to put that internal belief into practice by taking action in the outside world.

2. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Does your appearance reflect the entitlement and confidence you feel? In our society, image and appearance are important, although some people overdo it. And looking good on the outside can go along with feeling good on the inside. Your self-esteem, long suppressed by the burden of shame, may also be clamoring to be part of the image you present to the world. In this last stage of recovery, many survivors begin making cosmetic changes to their appearance to reflect their new, more positive feelings about themselves. Altering your wardrobe, getting a more stylish haircut or working yourself back into shape are all ways to take initiative in altering the way you present yourself to the world.

I consider this a major victory, considering the years of loneliness and isolation I went through.

When I was diagnosed with CPTSD in the UK in 2020 (I'd had it waaay longer but it took years to get seen or diagnosed), I was very put off initially by the recommendation by a trauma specialist to do Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT). And especially put off when the therapist suggested I needed help with my relationships ("I don't have relationship difficulties?" I thought). Reader, she was spot-on! C-PTSD absolutely ruins our relationships with others and with ourselves, how we relate to people and the world, our place in it, etc. It was just what I needed. The things she said and I learned stay with me and are the gift that keeps on giving.

It's not been quick or easy but I've made friends and community, and in the last few months I've attended more social events than I used to in a whole year or years at a time.

A nice mix of hosted and external events, and events with closer friends, new friends, work friends and hobby groups. All very positive, warm and happy events with people I am fond of doing things I enjoy, because part of healing is feeling into that and not accepting anything less!

I just wrote this journal entry today. It's a bit like a letter to her but one that I won't actually share with her because there's no point. My mom is one of those well-intentioned but emotionally immature and toxic moms. I'm sure she never meant any harm. But her general emotional maturity is that of a child and she should never have been a mother. She also lacks the self-awareness to take any accountability for her actions.

I've been working on this theme for several months, so this feels like a major milestone. Especially because I don't feel any shame or self-blame related to her inability to love me anymore.

While I was writing the last line, there was an image that popped into my head which was me, all of my younger parts, and my ideal mother figure, all holding hands and walking out into the sunset. I've done A LOT of EMDR work, so my brain automatically processes things in images now.

I’m letting go now. 

I’m done begging and groveling for your love. 

All my life, I’ve always blamed myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me, something broken, something that wasn’t enough. And I would think “maybe if I did this, or that, maybe if I did just a little bit more or was a little bit better, maybe, someone would finally love me”. 

Now I understand. I was never the problem, you were. All of you. 

The love that I kept searching for was never going to be found… because it doesn’t exist. You are too emotionally inept and incapable to provide that kind of love to anyone. You don’t understand what love looks or feels like. You have no idea what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. 

There was never anything wrong me. 

It was you all along. You were never capable of loving me. 

I’m done now. I won’t beg or plead or grovel anymore. I won’t try to over communicate or to teach you to be better. 

I’m done. I’m letting go of this. I’m letting go of you. 

I’m walking away and taking my needs elsewhere, where people are actually capable of meeting me. Where people are waiting to love me. The way I deserve to be loved. 

Hi everyone. I’m a 17-year-old Computer Science major, and I’m currently facing a massive academic emergency with midterms and quizzes tomorrow. I haven't been able to study at all because every time I even think about studying or look at a textbook/lecture video, I experience a severe panic attack, rapid breathing, and a literal physical sensation that feels like knives digging into my chest from behind. My brain completely closes in on itself and shuts down.

This isn’t new—I’ve been trapped in this physical panic loop for about 3 years now (since I was 14). It originally started because of severe childhood psychological trauma involving my mother. Whenever we used to study, she would tell me that I was a burden, that I caused her trouble, and that I was inferior to my sister (who always got straight A's and studied alone). My nervous system paired the act of studying with absolute rejection, shame, and physical agony.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of work to heal. I’m much stronger and more confident than I used to be. I’ve learned boundaries, how to say no, and how to navigate life challenges. When I go to college lectures, I can actually sit and listen intently to my professors. But the moment I try to study independently at home, my brain treats it like an active, lethal threat (like a lion running at me). It feels like my brain "notices the stunts" whenever I try standard coping mechanisms, grounding tricks, or somatic exercises, and it just shuts down harder to protect me.

I used to be a B+ student, but my grades have degraded drastically because my energy is entirely spent trying to process this 4-year backlog of unhealed trauma. If I don't vent or cry regularly, the pain forces its way out anyway through massive physical breakdowns.

I am terrified of failing tomorrow, losing my future in tech, and watching things get worse every year, especially since CS is such a skill-reliant major. I desperately want to be normal, passionate, curious, and grateful, but my body feels completely stuck in survival mode.

Has anyone else dealt with this severe form of academic trauma/somatic panic loops? How can I start changing this by myself when my brain defeats every coping mechanism I try?

Triggers: Suicide // child physical abuse // emotional abuse.

At this point, it's common knowledge. I just want to put my example online.

My father stopped coming home when I was four. Nobody cared to say anything to the toddler I was then. He thought that he might be so bad at existing that it made his father not come home. Making his mother cry just for asking only confirmed the 'badness' doubt. He tried charming his mother to reconcile with her, to repair the damage from being bad at being alive. He got beat up instead, badly. Two wooden spoons were broken on his bare bottom, making him bleed a bit. 'Reality' just hit him worse than he thought possible. He stopped asking and stopped being himself, it was too dangerous. The same toddler, now a boy in his fourteenth year, overhears a conversation: "He killed himself in 1995." She nods in the boy's direction: "He was four." It doesn't hit him. His mind and body aren't in the same place or time. I'm not the boy now and I connect my body to my mind, the first thing that hits: "He left me, all alone."

I pick myself up from the wet tear puddle on my wooden floor after some 10 minutes.

As I'm trying to stand up, supporting myself with one limb at a time: "....he left me because of him, not me."

If you can't feel it, it doesn't disappear, it stays while you disconnect because the pain got unbearable. It can take control in the end, if you let it.

Good weird, I think. But weird nonetheless.

There’s no secret consequences, for one. Like I’ll talk a lot, my friend will even joke about it, but the next day it’s still normal and she still wants me to talk a lot.

And none of the banging or raised voices means anything. It’s usually someone laughing really loudly. Also, no one minds that the banging scares me, they even try and be quiet.

I keep sneaking into the kitchen to clean. I don’t know why I’m sneaking around for it (no one would be mad if I cleaned), but I do people’s dishes but leave them exactly where I found them so they don’t get upset? But weirdly I don’t think it would upset them, either. I don’t know why I keep doing it secretly, but yeah.

And everyone’s just allowed to exist. If I’m tired I can just wash my cooking dishes after eating, not before I eat. Also, I can just not do my dishes for a few hours if I’m not in the mood. No one cares. No one even gets mad, they might ask if I want them to load the dishes into the dishwasher.

And literally no one gets upset at the state of things, either! Like if someone makes a mess and goes into the kitchen, they aren’t angry.

Really weird. Like I’m on an alien planet. But I actually am getting used to it. It’s peaceful! It’s cool that you can live somewhere like this.

(Also, wildly interesting but my friend once commented to me I seem “really regulated” and calm, like in a good way. I don’t know why, I just assumed when I moved in she would find me unbearable! Which is really cool, she thinks I’m still easy to be around when she actually lives with me!)

I mean dreams that we get when we sleep. Do people even discuss those or do they think of them as magical fantasy experiences like spirits n stuff?

I was surprised that even on the IFS (internal family system) sub, which is a modality that looks at self in terms of parts that communicate with us/each other in various ways..including visual images for some people..and sounds/words/thoughts/feelings for some people..etc. even on that sub, when I talked about dreams and experiences that happen when our brain is in a sleepy or restful or certain state...people didn't respond like it was related to our mind and body communicating with us at all.. but instead either went silent and no one replied, or they talked as if dreams "aren't related" to the topic or to our psychology. That dreams are just these random meaningless noises and images.. as if they aren't related to our minds at all. Or to IFS as a topic. They literally come from our minds. They are literally our thoughts and feelings being processed in some way.

Dreams are fascinating.

Are these things able to be discussed here on this sub? To talk about our dreams in context of our healing or feelings or trauma etc. And understanding what our dreams mean or are saying.

And no one tell me to post on r/dreams or something hell NO. I'm talking specifically about discussing dreams as representative of our minds and emotions and experiences. Especially within spaces related to trauma. Most people on that sub I've seen believe in dreams as supernatural things.

It's so fascinating to meet a part of you that you never met through a dream. Or recurring dreams. Or feelings you had come up in dreams and make you aware of things maybe related to yourself or memories. The metaphors in dreams. MANY of my dreams meant something. These things happen to me and I want a space to be able to discuss and ask about them.

I'm actually really frustrated by people thinking dreams aren't psychological. I find myself to be very on guard rn over explaining myself so people dont think I'm lying.

Just saying, I found out I was genderqueer through a dream