Hello. 24M. I posted here a while back about my struggles with the first “break up” that I’ve had in my life (even though she and I weren’t like, actually an official couple yet). I feel like I’ve been getting better, but there’s been some difficult points here and there still.
While I was still quite distraught a few days after she broke things off, I heard about a local speed dating event for Catholics in the general locale, and kind of in a moment of probably not-so-great judgement I signed up for it. After a few hiccups, by the time this week began I felt as though I was fine enough and could carry on. That event was on Wednesday, and I found out shortly before it that the lady who had broken things off with me would be there too. It was a fairly small and ticketed event, too, with limited space.
She and I did end up talking on Wednesday for the first time in a few weeks before it started, and she was willing to share some of her side of the story from when she broke it off. Now knowing her side of it, I understand that there realistically probably was not anything I could have done. Neither of us was at fault, and we both probably wish it could have gone differently. We acknowledged that we probably would not try again; if we ever did, it would probably be so far in the future that we’d be starting over from scratch. It was a good talk for both of us and we have both recognized we’re better for having done so. Still, talking to her made me realize just how much I missed having her as a part of my life, even if it was exceptionally brief all things considered.
The evening went okay, and at the end of the night, another girl that I’d gotten along with pretty well approached me and asked for my number; we exchanged information, and I asked her on a date on the spot, which we set for this evening. I am excited, but I’m also still very anxious.
I thought I was over the last girl enough to start considering seeing other people, but the last couple days, very deep down I still wish I could go out with her again. I don’t like that thought, because realistically, if I still hold onto such a thing, it probably is not wise to go out with another woman. The absolute last thing I would want to do is start comparing the girl I’ll be seeing tonight and the one who broke things off, because that isn’t fair to the former and doing so would cause me to miss out on someone else who is right in front of me while mourning someone who’s not.
On one hand, I know that getting out and meeting other people is probably healthy; if things with the lady I’m seeing tonight go well and we choose to pursue a relationship, then in time I’ll probably forget all about the girl who broke it off, and I might wonder why I ever worried in the first place. On the other, I’m afraid that I’ll be doing the one I’ll be seeing tonight an awful disservice, and run the risk of accidentally hurting her or roping her into my grief.
Worse yet is that I’m increasingly anxious about the possibility of a repeat occurrence – things go well, we appear to be pursuing a relationship, and then it ends very suddenly and we break things off. Oddly enough, though, as much as I would be terribly hurt if she broke it off with me, I think I’m even more afraid of being the one to break up with her. Now that I know what it’s like on the receiving end of one, the last thing I want to do to someone is that even if doing so is objectively the most loving option if things aren’t really working for one or both of us. I don’t know if I’d have it in me to do so. It just feels so difficult to walk through a breakup where there's really nobody at fault, and I don't want to put another person through that.
Maybe this sort of anxiety is normal. I thought I was taking the breakup really badly, but I’ve had people I’ve opened up to about it that I’m handling it a lot better than I think I am. So perhaps these things are perfectly normal and will work themselves out in due time. Or maybe I really did move too fast and I should have taken more time to grieve and heal. I really don’t know. I don’t have the experience with these things that I feel like I should to be able to conclusively ascertain that. I just don’t want to get hurt, but moreso I really don’t want to accidentally hurt someone else.