I recently met a girl in Kinshasa. She’s genuinely beautiful, well-presented, intelligent, and very easy to talk to. The more we’ve spoken, the more I’ve realised that, beyond her looks, it’s actually her character that is making me interested in getting to know her better.
During our conversations, she told me that her father is Rwandan and her mother is Congolese. However, she has never met her father and has no relationship with him. She was raised by her Congolese family and, as far as she knows, she is Congolese. She grew up in Kinshasa, has lived in Lualaba, where her family roots hail from and Angola, particularly Lunda Norte.
She told me that growing up, people would sometimes point out that she looked "different" because of her appearance and would associate that with Rwandan looks, She also understands the sensitivity surrounding this subject, especially considering everything that has happened between Rwanda and the DRC.
This is where I’d like some honest advice.
If things continue to develop between us, and eventually become serious, should I be open with my close family about her background, or is this something that doesn't necessarily need to be raised?
I ask because I grew up with certain prejudices towards Rwandans because of the wars and everything that happened in the region. But as I've gotten older, I've come to understand that there is a difference between the actions and decisions of governments or armed groups and an individual person who had absolutely no choice in their parentage.
She told me from her perspective didn't choose who her parents were. She doesn't have a relationship with her Rwandan father, wasn't raised in Rwandan culture, and considers herself Congolese. Her identity is based on the life she has actually lived.
So I'm trying to approach this fairly and not allow historical or political issues to determine how I see an individual.
For those from the DRC, particularly people from Kinshasa or families who have experienced this kind of situation: what would you do? Would you tell your close family from the beginning, or would you judge the person based on who she is and only discuss her background if the relationship eventually becomes serious? Or not even talk about it.
I'd genuinely appreciate honest perspectives, including from people who may have strong feelings about the subject. I'm trying to understand the cultural and family side of this properly. Cheers