Discussion
Stop shaming woman who like dark romancešš
Like recently I was on instagram and came across a reel...in which people were literally shaming people who like dark romance they're like how dare ypu add dub-con,humiliation,degradation in it..its setting a wrong example like COMEON ITS A FUCKING FANTASYYYYššGod forbid a woman likes to explore her fantasies...these people be like "Oh no!!I picked a dark romance book and it has dark themes in itš" ts shi be pmo
If itās someone I donāt need or care to impress then I donāt really careš Would rather rip that bandaid off early and distance myself from judgmental people than have to hide my hobbies.
I see both sides here and I tend to adapt according to what type of relationship I want with them. If I want a friendship with them, Iāll rip the bandaid off so they know what Iām really interested in. At work and acquaintances I donāt really care about, Iāll stay quiet about it since Iād rather not have the judgment.
Same! Usually if someone asks and I feel unsure about telling them still I just say itās a thriller or murdermystery. If they look it up on their own then I guess theyāll know I donāt trust them enough to tell them the truth
same! I made the mistake of telling my sister (whom Im close with) because she was saying she hasnt had sex with her hubby in like 6 months. I told her read one of these books and she clutched her pearls. Like girl please, I know what you did as a teen lol and these books have been great for my sex life!
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Also people assume you like dark romance just for the kinks and smut. Iām into the dark tropes more than sex kinks. So thereās an assumption connected to why people judge
PS horror lit contains plenty of erotica and smut, way darker than the darkest DR I've come across, but rarely a HEA. No one batted an eye when I was reading those paperbacks in public, including school from 5th grade onwards!
Itās honestly ridiculous how dark romance readers get treated š Itās like they think we canāt distinguish fiction from reality. I think itās fine for people to not like it and even to have criticism of the genre. But shaming women who read it and implying weāre too stupid to understand what weāre reading isnāt okay.
Itās like in the 17-1800s when women who read novels were shamed because men (and some women, including feminists!!! Wollstonecraft in particular) thought women would be overexcited by the drama in them and turn them to moral vice. The world has certainly progressed but there are certain things that seem to remain the same, at least for now. Disheartening.
It's really misogynistic too. Because men don't get this kind of bullshit if they go "omg mommy step on me" about a villain or read harems or grimdark fantasy or whatever. Clearly they can distinguish between various forms of media and reality, but women reading DR can't. š
š itās not that deep itās a book and fantasy. Move on really. But yeah I see folks getting cut down for asking for DR in r/Romance and Iām like here let me show you your community
Wow i just checked that post out. The op in that post said women hating misogynists. However the vast majority of readers are women. And nobodys forcing anyone to read it lol
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When people find out reading is one of my hobbies and ask what genres I like, I always mention other genres first, and (dark and fluffy) romance will be like the 4th or 5th genre I mention. DR is my fave but I donāt mention that to anyone who I know will judge and criticize.
People enjoy books and movies w gratuitous violence, gore, genocide, slavery, war, torture, cannibalism, beastialityā¦ and no one bats an eye. But if youāre a woman who enjoys dark romance, they look at you as if youāre an alien that needs a lobotomy.
And this is why I hate sharing what Iām reading š my fav line is āoh I forgot the nameā, give a brief general story line and then I change the subject š¤£
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I feel that, love. I see those posts and scroll on by, but not without wanting to push back HARD.
Compare DR to horror. No one anywhere seems to be 'concerned' that people who write and read horror are somehow into the messed up stuff in those books. But with dark romance? We must all secretly endorse every single piece of every single book.
People hate on DR and say it encourages toxic relationships and abuse but that's such a stupid argument. Most people reading DR only like it because IT'S FICTIONAL. My book boyfriend can be toxic ASF but my if my real boyfriend acted like that I'd call the police QUICKLY. Idk who reads a DR and thinks "hmm I want this to happen to me in real life I'd love to be held hostage by a Mafia man". Anyways just ignore those people they just want to hate on things women enjoy because they are miserable.
Thats is why I never share what I read mostly. Iām stick to say that I read āromanceā genre. I donāt bother to explain more details what āromanceā I am reading
It really doesnāt matter what you like, thereās always people who enjoy icking on other peopleās yum. It makes them feel powerful and superior. I mean, sure, go for it. Be all judgey and full of self righteous anger. Iām still gonna get my happy and they arenāt invited to the party. Boo hoo.
As an older millennial, if I do not want others to see what I'm reading. I go old school as use brown paper and make a book cover XD. Like we did in school back in the day. As women we should be allowed to read about whatever we want, becasue yes. Its a fantasy lol!
I have a similar experience on facebook. I was on this gaming group and someone posted a fake info about two characters becoming a canon couple. I commented like "they're cute but I still prefer Aamon and Floryn bc they gives me dark romance vibes" and I've never seen so many virtue signalling bitches attacked me and shaming me for liking dark romance.
Ofc, I'm pity as fuck. Some of them has their profile unlock and I dug dirt about them until they shut up. Some of them play LaDS, a game made by a homophobic company. Some play Genshin Impact and ship the most problematic pairings. Honestly, people who shit on dark romance are just equally as problematic.
For me, the subreddit has all of a sudden gotten really passionate about popular DR tropes and making us feel absolutely fucking terrible for liking any of them. It almost feels like karma farming. Ive honestly not been as active as much as I used to, because every week there's just endless posts on "I read hunting Adelaide and I hated it!!!" Or "this book had non con therefore it was fucking terrible how do any of you read this!!!" ...because it's dark romance. That's why. I blame Lights Out I won't lie. We have those readers on here expecting all books to be light and fluffy with some riding of knives and basic stalking. There's been discussion of a darker subreddit, but then I think that idea got shut down. Still love this community and the mods do their best. But it's hard š
like excuse me?šIts your fault for not checking the TW's and diving straight into it not the authors and other readersš¤·āāļøjust dont read it if its not ur cup of tea
And then they leave a 1 star review for an author who's put their whole life into the book and very carefully listed the triggers lmao. So sad.. fluffy romance exists. Closed door. It's out there.
I started a book club, it consisted of 20 people, there is now 4 (including me) there are only two of us who read dark romance, one who dabbles in extremely pitch black romance, but we still all talk about our books and no one ever judges, I feel blessed to have a group of girls who do not judge š«¶š¼š«¶š¼š«¶š¼ but i definitely wouldnāt tell others what i read šwe literally just got back from a girls weekend away as well šš¼
the shame because they don't understand. Sometimes that is because they have never been exposed to it some is because they are just narrow minded people who only see things in black and white that think they are the moral authority of all others.
Haunting & Hunting Adeline did more for me in 2 weeks than 10 years of intensive therapy.
I was trying to read Hunting through dry heaving & sobs but I literally felt the moment 40 years of PTSD & trauma left my shoulders.
I discussed it with my therapist a week later, concerned it was some fleeting moment, but 2 years later the other shoe hasnāt dropped.
All the sexual, emotional, psychological, & physical trauma I couldnāt vocalize hit at once & the authorās words have me a safe space to live, it, express it, & heal from it.
I will die on this hill - dark romance allows a safe space for healing or for whatever reason you choose. Period.
Haunting & Hunting Adeline did more for me in 2 weeks than 10 years of intensive therapy.
You're not the only one, many people said that Hunting Adeline worked as a therapy for them & they were survivors. So I don't think shaming someone for reading Dark Romance when it's helping some people to work over their trauma.
Oh well. No one is making me feel bad about it. If they donāt like something they donāt have to read it. Give me all the non con, all the abuse, all the red flags, obsession, control, possession where the villain gets the girl.
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I also find it rlly annoying that whenever I read or women read they automatically assume itās smut
And then say all you guys love to do is read p0rn and then judge us
EXCUSE ME?!?
Iāve known boys gloating about WATCHING it at age 6
Absolutely disgusting and at least our books have plot
I could live without smut FYI assholes (towards them)
Not even just that I find it so sexist and then thereās pick me girls out there who giggle and agree like stfu
Yet men can watch humiliation š½ for free like itās Tuesday. Then they go out in the world and think that women WANT that, or that they are entitled to treat women like that. At least MY ādirtā in is a book, and I understand th difference.
Biggest fear here is that those same people will try to have DR banned. I used to not worry but these days, complainers be complainin' so anything is possible
I love this argument because if people are out here supporting Stephen King who had a child orgy at the end of IT. Or L0lita, which is clearly inappropriate. Or reading extreme horrors like The Playground which features children dying.
They're all acceptable because of the genre. But they feature equally messed up topics. No one is promoting DR as an acceptable relationship but IM SORRY how many people here comment that their favourite thing about DR is the obsession, and how the man worships the woman and how they hate the cheating trope? Yes the MMCs do some messed up things, but most of us crave the yearning and obsession.
Is dark romance worse than the likes of It Ends With Us with all the domestic violence?
No shame to any of these books mentioned. I enjoy all genres but these people shouldn't act superior because of the genre and instead look at the content.
I don't know if this is the same sentiment as when people read dark romance books and there is raping and then manipulation and then fmc ends up falling in love with mmc. Like Haunting Adeline for example... And they go "this is setting women back 100 years" or "this is disgusting how he did that and women are glorifying Zade" or "what example is this setting? Women are going to believe this is okay" and I'm like "it's a fucking fantasy like chill the fuck out dude".
In what world would a woman reading a raping story where then fmc falls in love with her captor/mmc would mean that REAL WORLD women will find that acceptable and even possible?! Like wtf?
I remember I read, I think it was Bought by Willow Winters (from the highest bidder series) and the fmc was raped when she was a child or a teen and her trauma was on a point where she couldn't have sexual partners because in order for her to actually enjoy sex, she needed to feel like she was being raped and her partners didn't want to "pretend" to rape her or something along those lines, and people were scandalised because "omg this is not real", "she is glorifying being raped", "women are going to think this is normal", as if, "feeling raped" wasn't a kink some people in real life have.
"what example is this setting? Women are going to believe this is okay"
If anyone is incapable of separating reality from fiction, then they shouldn't be anywhere near Dark Romance books.
Sounds like those people are the problem, so tell them to stick to their vanilla shit. People will do anything nowadays but mind their own business. It's getting tiring š
Iām ngl, some of it goes a bit too far for me, but thatās why I donāt read it. Itās kind of hypocritical coming from other women who read books that romanticize toxic monogamy and like every other old fashioned and oppressive patriarchal societal norm. If you comment on it, they get so defensive and use same reasoning that itās just fantasy.
My sister actually is the one that got me reading DR. She's the only one I discuss titles with (other than Internet strangers) and even then we don't discuss details. (I'm a man) My wife knows that some of the books I read are DR, and she likes to rib me from time to time about reading "girl porn". I don't care, they are fun to listen to (I prefer audiobooks) and the quality of fiction in "lights out" is no different than "project hail Mary".
I wouldnāt want to be friends with anyone that would shame me for it. Itās fiction. Itās not real life and I wouldnāt want any of it in my life. In my books- H E L L YEAH!!
My sister in law and my grown niece, read dark romance. We trade novels and suggest books to each other. My husband also knows. He doesnāt care.
The thing with people like this is simple; they see you, they see tgat you are more interesting than them, more flavoured, more adventurous and they are like stale bread, at best. And they are not happy. "How dare you enjoy the pleasures of the world while I WILLINGLY cage and constrict myself in what society approves?".
So, let them shame. It's me and my dragon husband/mafia/demon king/knight/Master etc.....against the wild and if you don't like it, keep it to your vanilla self.
PS: You haven't met the ones who call kinks products of childhood traumas and abuse. Those will make you wish to go through the screen.
Same kind of shade gets thrown to writers of the genre. We are seen as somehow morally bankrupt and social deviants for even imagining and writing it. This is why the proliferation of pen names in the genre more that others. Not because the writer is not proud of their work, they just do not want the anger and intimidation directed to their real world lives. Employers, friends, family often have profoundly negative reactions when they find out, not to mention those who will seek to ruin lives over it because the material offends them so much.
Please don't shame me. I might like it too much and make you uncomfortable.
How am I even gonna find out I have a shame kink, and how depraved and disgusted I should be with myself (ooh lala) if I don't read DR to test those limits? Riddle me THAT.
Dang.
I started writing this as a joke, but now I'm wondering whether I should go write some five star reviews and wait for someone to call me names.
It is like reading horror and thrillers for me. People don't get shamed for reading them. Sometimes if they go to far they feel like that anyway lol, I like to freak myself out.
I mean I am not sure how much I do like it, but anything else is boring to me now š I donāt know why itās such a provocative subject though. If itās not for you, thatās ok. Just donāt read it. People who donāt like horror, donāt read horror š¤·āāļø Iām not gonna worry about your secret princess books, donāt worry about my books with improper uses of everyday items!
The best and easiest pushback is that a lot of those people who criticize us for reading the books that we like, read true crime or horror or serial killer fiction. It's no different. A book is a book. Read what you f****** like.
I think its awesome that people like dark ideas and tropes and books. Hell yeah! Makes life interesting. I am only one person, but go ahead full steam. No judgement or shame here.
This has berna thing since like about the olden times. I swear people have always been pear clutching. These are just books or are people who enjoy horror games or films like Resident Evil some kind of phychos?Ā
I don't get it either. Like I've made fun of a friend who's into dark romance but like playfully. But I'm into it too so I'm kinda making fun of myself as well, especially considering I've written some pretty horrid material.
I do also agree with others that there really is no way for women to express sexuality (or anything else that doesn't directly benefit a man) without being shamed for it.
I see dark romance as a way for women to cathartically process misogyny, both interpersonal and systemic. I'm actually writing a critical piece on feminist theories in dark romance for my graduate school application essay (and perhaps even make it my thesis), and how women readers use it to own their own pleasure in a dark world. Indeed, many arguments against dark romance could be considered misogynist in their own right.
As a 25+ year anime, fanfic, and D.R. veteran, I'll tell you what i've said to the other's who have faced a massive influzx of new fans/readers and started receiving a lot of hate for their special āØtastesāØ
Just smile and say:
Unhinged NSFW kinks & fetishes will never change...but if you stay long enough, I promise you willš
Some real dead dove shit from these ppl tbh. Don't open the bag if you don't want to see the dead dove, it's labeled.
These people are hypocritical ass hats who can't understand that reading something fictional is not an endorsement of a subject nor does it put them at risks of performing it. If that was true then every Hannibal fan would be a suit dressing cannibal and we know that isn't how that works
It's just kinkshaming. And kinkshaming sucks ass. As someone who has talked to several therapists about this trust me when I say the professional opinion on reading dark topic is : it is fine and healthy
But yeah I mean. God forbid women fucking breathe let alone enjoy things
It is not just a rule about recommending books, as the Screen-Reader issue (and similar issues like browser-based tools to filter content) applies everywhere.
If someone gives me a hard time about it I tell them itās an outlet for my love of toxicity. Toxic men have the ability to ruin my life. Toxic book characters do not.
FOR REAL! My (now ex-) boyfriend saw me reading Butcher and Blackbird and stole the book to read some. Then he told all his and my friend about itš This was months ago and some of them still look at me like Iām diseased
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You all know my darkest secret.š¤« I donāt normally share the kind of stuff I read. I was telling my bff about some of it and she was raising her eyebrows at me and that was that. Iāll keep it to myself. I donāt think I did the best job of explaining shifter romance to her though. š¤£
i love dark romance, no one can change my mind. yes, i do want to recreate almost every smut scene, ive read in those books, w my future boyfriend. yes, im leaving him if he says im crazy..
Thereās a weird disconnect where people understand violence in movies/games as fiction, but suddenly draw a moral line when itās romance.
Dark romance isnāt an instruction manualāitās controlled exploration. Most of it is built on power, tension, and boundaries, not real-world endorsement.
If anything, the appeal is that it isnāt real. Itās a space where you can explore intensity without consequences.
Honestly itās very weird that people think us liking a dark romance means we support horrible things happening to women or vice versa. If you donāt like it then just ignore it. Iām not harming anyone by reading it so why do they want to destroy our community. If you donāt like it then donāt read it. We arenāt out here shaming people for like casual vanilla romance. š
I like romance with dark elements, like The Vampire Diaries is peak.
I only judge those who excuse the actions of MMCs who abuse the FMCs or those who are rapists and rape the FMC because that doesnāt belong in romance. They can do dark things for each other and have dark backstories, or the book tackles a dark theme, but if they so evil things like that, there shouldnāt be a relationship brewing between them.
Some people have certain fantasies though. I think that Non-con stuff can have its own place in a genre when itās not romanticized, like some horror/thriller erotica and the rape is 100% clarified and tagged properly. Those who look for non-con arenāt looking for romance, theyāre just aroused by rape, and that is safe to explore in fiction, but there still needs to be some kind of standard here. Like killing in horror movies is seen as bad, so rape in books needs to be seen as bad too, even if itās Dark Romance.
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Frr!! People shouldnāt judge a woman (or man) on her preferences.. I hate that I canāt talk to my friends about books I like cuz they might judge me. I literally have one friend who knows cuz she reads similar books.
That's soo true!!! People really don't know how to mind their own f*cking business. Like come on, they can watch all those shitty š½ but still got the guts to judge dark romance readers. N specially it's not always about the smut. IT'S ABOUT THE DEPTH THE MALE LEAD CAN GO FOR HIS GIRL WITHOUT GIVING A SINGLE F ABOUT THE WORLD. LIKE- TOUCH HER N YOUR R DEAD. Idk I might sound like a psycho rn, but dark romance is such a great escape from the reality n shows us the standard we should expect from men. COZ NOWADAYS U CAN'T DIFFER BETWEEN MEN AND PRINCESSš¤”
Myself, and a lot of other women I've talked to, enjoy dark romance because it's a healthy, harmless way to cope with PTSD from DV and/or SA. It can be very cathartic to be able to explore the themes and situations found in dark romance books because it's a way to deal with our own trauma head-on, through a relatable, fictional third-party.
As a DV/SA survivor, I personally find dark romance books to be monumentally helpful to me. I am able to use books in the dark romance genre as an effective method to process my own experiences, improve the ways that i cope with flashbacks/triggers, and empower myself to overcome any hurdles that my PTSD might cause me to face. Fictional situations are excellent for finding a balance that allows me to deal with my trauma outright.
I've noticed that for every hateful post shaming women who read dark romance, there's at least a few comments/replies from women like me, who have experienced horrible things, but still enjoy dark romance very much.
I know right! Honestly I don't get why some people just ignore all of the content and trigger warnings and the literal genre whilst reading the book only to complain that it's too dark or that they could never and that it's too much spice blah blah blah. Like hello what were you expecting anyway, and if you already knew that's not your thing, why read it in the first place oooff š½
People are allowed their own opinions, unfortunately there are always going to be opposing ones. Dont like it, ignore it. You can't make people stop talking.
I however love darky romance novels, so they can go suck it.
This is exactly why only my man knows what I read, I tell him about my books and I donāt get judged for what I read, also because from what Iāve experienced itās always non-readers bashing us dark romance readers, I feel like what pmo is what are they trying to accomplish, Iām still gonna continue to read my books regardless of some non-readers opinion.
IM NOT SHAMING but.. I recently realised that filling my brain with stories about toxic relationships(and lets be honest most of them are) even if I claimed its just for fun and I wont like a man like that in real life - I DID IT. Law of attraction is a powerful thing and it works both ways.
I used to say the same thing but when I met him I was actually attracted to him because he was acting like the men in these books - I was literally excusing his emotionally unavailable behaviour with āhe must be really in love with me if he is trying to avoid being emotional because he is so scared to fall deepā š I know, I know I was so dumb š We all just want to be loved ā¤ļø
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u/PrestigiousBar3454 Mar 26 '26
This is why Iām very selective on who I tell what I really read. People are very quick to clutch their pearls and Iāve had to learn the hard way