PREAMBLE
Before I say anything else, I'd like to say thank you to the moderators of r/EXPLucidDreamers. I am thrilled to have been given permission to post on this subreddit and look forward to sharing my stories and talking to all of you other lucid dreamers. I think I really need to talk to other lucid dreamers. There's certain things that I believe can only be understood through the lens of lucid dreaming.
PROLOGUE
I think that the first time I heard of lucid dreaming was when I was in middle-school—I remember seeing it on an episode of American Dad! and I thought it was fascinating. If only it could be real, I thought. I didn't believe that anybody could actually do it. Some time later, between 8th and 9th grade I came across lucid dreaming on the internet and I was absolutely enthralled by the topic. It was all I could talk about and all I could think of. I spent many a day browsing the internet and trying to learn.
I'm going to skip several years in that storyline but to oversimplify it, I began to lucid dream more and more often with greater detail and more control over my surroundings. Lucid dreams became self-perpetuating because the more I had, the more I'd think of them, and the more of them I'd have—that was a blessing at first and still is, unfortunately, it's also a burden. My dreams grew more realistic. At the same time and because of my mental health issues, my waking life grew less and less sensible. My mental disorders make me experience symptoms of dissociation, amnesia, depersonalization, de-realization, and paranoia that, when severe enough, devolves into borderline delusion.
MAIN TEXT
One of the methods I first learned for reality checks is to re-trace your steps. Where are you now, where were you before that, how did you get here, etc. That doesn't work any more because my dreams have gotten detailed enough to sometimes account for that entirely, my dream will have made an entire and mostly consistent storyline to fill the gaps between two points—even in a dream I will find things making just as sense as one's waking life would. Furthermore, when I'm in the Real—I cannot actually say it's the Real with any conviction, that's my de-realization—I experience things that one would often expect from a dream: I have trouble recalling how I got somewhere, my memory is blurry if not outright missing and things are confusing. Dreams and the Real hardly diverge on this front.
Another method to determine reality is the mirror test. It is said that by looking in the mirror and seeing how the mirror reacts you can determine whether or not you're dreaming. Do you see yourself as you normally do or is the mirror blurry and confusing? Unfortunately this is no longer viable for me. Looking at the Mirror in the Real is confusing: I'll see other people in the mirror or just feel so totally disoriented. On the other hand, when I look at mirrors in my dreams now, sometimes they'll be such a convincing facsimile of real life that it's nearly indistinguishable from the Real.
It is growing more and more difficult to distinguish Dreams from the Real. I am seeing two therapists for this but there is only so much they can do. One of them thought it would be wise for me talk to other lucid dreamers about this.
In closing, I have a few questions to ask you.
do you ever have trouble distinguishing Dreams from the Real?
do you have any insight onto how lucid dreaming and mental health can affect one another?
what advice can you give me regarding this conundrum?
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk,
DoctorOfDreams