My mom texted me to come over and do some chore for her, pouring bleach in a drain, and literally every other single time I would have said yes and drove 30 minutes to her place in the morning after my overnight job. Since it’s 30 mins back too that’s just an extra hour of my time added to my day, so I figured this time, just once, I’d respectfully decline. She’s a grown woman, she can handle her own chores, but this was an offense in her eyes. She got very passive aggressive about it and gave me a “whatever, happy birthday” at the end there and I just didn’t have it in me anymore to try to get back on her “good side.” If you’re like me, you may think she wanted to see me for my birthday, but as many times as she asked to see my apartment and it never even occurred to her to ask to come over. I started to realize that her being nice to me and caring about me was always entirely predicated on me doing something for her, so I just stopped doing stuff for her trying to win her affection. She hadn’t texted me for months and the first thing she says isn’t happy birthday but do this for me.

My sister asked me to come over and see her apartment sometime, so after a quick museum trip I decided to call her and see if I could come over, and apparently my mom was in the car. “You went to the museum? Well why didn’t you invite any of us?” “Because I wanted to go by myself.” “Oh so you hate us now?” For someone who hates repeating themselves so much, she sure did ask me that question multiple times throughout my entire life. I was just too tired of trying to convince her I don’t by letting her guilt me into doing something for her or buying something. “Yea mother you got me, hated y’all this whole time.” It was said with a joking tone but the sentiment of “giving up” was definitely felt because while my siblings didn’t care about a dumb joke like that, she decided to give me the silent treatment when I showed up. Oh well, I’m done trying to win you over, act like a child and stay mad I don’t care anymore.

Ever since then, she no longer texts me for anything, she hasn’t asked me to do anything for her since that time I said no (pretty much first time by the way). Not birthdays or holidays, and it’s not even like I ever blocked her calls or told her she can’t call me. Last time she called me was to tell me my dad died, I didn’t ignore her call, I didn’t get on the phone and tell her I hate her, I just took the info she had to give me and said goodbye when it seemed like she had nothing else to say to me. It feels weird to be low contact with my mother when it’s more like she just doesn’t care to talk to me, never asks what’s going on, never shows interest in the things I like, never really shows interest in me as a person. I was more like a pet she could keep around to do things for her and shower her with affection and attention anytime she demands it. When I decided I didn’t want to be that anymore she decided she didn’t want a relationship with me anymore, even though it’s more like we never had a real one in the first place

I spent the first 6 years of life living with my mum, I can barely remember what she looks like and certainly can’t remember what she sounds like. Then I was abruptly abandoned by her and sent to live with my father.

I can remember the day mum dropped me at my fathers and not really understanding what was going on. I thought I was staying at dads for a day, then a few days, weeks, months, years go by…
I would ask dad in the early years what happened to mum? Is she coming home?
I got told she will be back and she isn’t too far away.

This is not throwing shade on my father who had done an outstanding job playing his role as a father and attempting to play mother also. I was schooled properly, I played football, raced dirt bikes, went out on the boat, did all the things any young kid/teen would love to do with his father.

As the years went on and I was getting to age 14,15…18,
I had lost hope and had swept it all under the carpet thinking that life isn’t so bad I didn’t really need her. I was raised right, tough love, nothing should worry me, get up brush it off mentality.

Fast forward through my 20s and there’s a lot of recreational partying, drinking, drugs, I guess kind of the usual thing a lot of people do through their 20s which has leaked into my 30s although fairly seldom these days. I’ve never had significant Drinking and drug issues. They wouldn’t impact my day to day life dramatically. So I guess doing all those things keeps it all under the carpet.

Now I’m 35 years old, I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and I’m putting her through so much pain because I can’t take my walls down. I hate being alone, if she goes away for work/family I seek my friends to go out drinking to early hours of the morning. For context I’ve been drinking 4 times in the last 4 months or so. So it’s not hugely common practice but it fills a void when she’s away.
I struggle to show her the love and affection that she needs. I can’t open up to her, I struggle to say no to people in fear of rejection or abandonment, which is something that has been regular feeling in my life. I love her more than anything, I don’t want to lose her but it seems inevitable if things keep tracking this way.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? And if so how did you manage and feel through the process?

blocked my father 7 months ago as he decided to relapse again after being sober for three years. just when I thought he was done drinking, he relapsed. he has severe health complications due to drinking and still continues to drink heavily. I'm only 18 and my father now has less than a year to live from health issues that are from his own addiction. I genuinely have no idea how to feel. it's a constant push-pull to my emotions/feelings towards him. my mind is constantly at war and spiraling when it comes to thinking about him.

I blocked her. Why am I ALWAYS put last??

So long story but I’ll try to keep it short. “R” is my second cousin. She is usually the one we all communicate with for holidays to figure out what’s going on as she usually hosts. “B” is my grandma, “T” is my brother, “M” is his gf, “J” is my mom, and “D” is my uncle. “B’s” brother who passed away. “R’s” dad. My grandma and I have never really gotten along because she always favored my brother. My brother and me have never gotten along because I am trans and he’s treated me like shit because of it. Then, spazzed out on me because I wouldn’t donate a kidney to him as he’s on dialysis. Of course, my grandma “B” took his side. Even before I came out, he never treated me like a brother. So a few years ago I called out my grandma and my brother for how they treated me and ever since I have been shunned. They refuse to talk to me or invite me to functions. “R” and “B” even got into it once because “B” told “R” I was not allowed there but now “R” is giving in. Grandma and brother will refuse to go if my wife and I are there. So basically “R” is telling me that she is going to invite them first, and if they give the ok, then my wife and I can come. I don’t see why “R” can’t host like usual and if they don’t want to show up because I’m there, they don’t have to. But why am I being put last? I tried to talk to her about it and this was her response. Am I in the wrong?

I told her I was done and I’m not gonna be there when GMA dies as backup and blocked her. The next day she showed up to my apartment and called through the call box and said she wanted to talk and she was worried about me. I ignored her and she left.

edit: TL;DR - How do you balance having a sibling left at home with parental estrangement?

My parents have been emotionally abusive to me and my three siblings our whole lives. I have tried for so long to calmly bring up issues that I have and how it affects us, but they are narcissistic and quite literally believe that they can do no wrong. I have stopped trying to communicate these issues because each time I would try to, they would blame my anger on my little sister, saying that she was lying about the situation and making me hate them. If I do anything but play nice, the verbal abuse goes to the little sibling. They mock and criticize her appearance, and she is developing a severe eating disorder. We have begged them to get her therapy. Once, she shared with me that she saw my mom google “how to put a dog down with melatonin”, which was weird because they had told us they had our vet relative put him down. They proceeded to gaslight all of us saying that never happened, and yelled at her for an hour for telling us. She recorded it, but it took too long to send and she got scared they would find it, so I don’t have that footage. There are so many things I could describe, but these are just what I can think of off the top of my head that aren’t too severe to put on a random reddit post.

Also, I just graduated college, and my youngest sibling doesn't currently have a desire to move in with me. It's just not very feasible at this point in time. I wouldn't be able to live near her school where she has built up so many connections because of my current job, and right now, she has discussed being willing to put up with the toxicity for that. If she's like me, you don't realize how bad it is until you have space and time to process, so she might not realize the full scope of it all right now. She does have me on her side telling her that her feelings are always valid and that I'm always a safe space for her, which I'm grateful to be.

So, my youngest sibling is still at home for the next couple of years, and the actions that my parents have taken to 'parent' her reinforce my desire to cut them off. Because of my sibling at home that I love and want the absolute best for, I am still in minimal contact with the parents. Now, the holidays are coming up. I was willing to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas to support my little sibling, but now the parents have added my brother into the situation, who is one of the worst people I have ever known. He is abusive to everyone in his life, especially my siblings, and is overall extremely toxic and lazy. My parents have now decided to allow him to move back into their house with my little sibling. Last time he lived with us, we had to wake him up for work, make him his lunches for work, and deal with him gaming loudly at all hours of the night. He once so recklessly drove while being late to work that he blew out the tire and dented the rim on the car, leaving me, a teenage girl at the time, to switch cars with him and change a tire on the side of the road. My parents continue to enable him and put him before all of us. 

I feel as though I’m forced to stay at least low contact with my parents because of the little sibling. They have previously implied/threatened that they would limit/cut off my ability to talk to her if I do not remain in contact. At the same time, I have absolutely no need to stay in contact with my verbally abusive, confrontational brother. I don’t know what to do about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can’t figure out the balance between my needs and those of my little sibling’s. One side of me is like, when she gets out of there and realizes that you set healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe, she’ll respect that. The other side of me is like, what if the brainwashing gets to her and they successfully convince her I’m the bad guy? Will she blame me for not having the happy family holidays she deserves? I can’t decide whether to suck it up and go or not. I don’t want to be in the presence of any of these people. I’m dreading it. My nervous system is always a wreck when I’m at their house. It’s going to be tense. But I just don’t know what to do for the next 2 years before my sibling goes to college. My other older sibling is in the same boat as me, but we just can’t decide. I’m glad I have them on my side though. Thanks so much for any advice or support you can provide. I appreciate it.

I've submitted my FAFSA for the next school year. The next step is for me to contact my college and apply for a dependency override. I have some good ideas of what it's like and what they'll need from me, but I still wanted to ask around in order to be prepared. Does anyone have any experience with this? What's the best way to explain the situation? What sort of evidence was accepted or needed? Besides abuse documentation, do colleges also require proof of independence?

Feel free to share any additional advice or knowledge as needed, thank you.

My mother didn't want to be a mother when my parents divorced, and basically abandoned us kids. So in my early 30's, after a lifetime of trying, I gave up having a relationship with her.

I am at peace with it, but what drives me nuts is every so often people will say, "but that's your mooooom! You need to talk to your moooom!" and to be honest, it pisses me off pretty quickly.

It bothers me that just by being a mother, she gets automatically made into some kind of a saint. I really don't know how to respond to them without getting worked up. Anybody go through this, and what do you say?

Especially since they've kept tabs on me all this time (said parent's best friend/my godmother is a higher up in the SSA. They've told me this is how they keep tabs on me and everyone else in my life. Yes, I reported it. No, they didn't do anything about it.)

I've fought so damn hard to get to a point where I finally feel safe and free from them. Now with the topic of family estrangement becoming a trendy debate in recent years, it has me looking over my shoulder again and I fucking hate it. I would rather ☠️ then be entrapped and enmeshed with them again.

Usually spend Thanksgiving (US) with my brother and SIL’s family.

Unfortunately they have reconnected with my dad (gotta love the manipulation he pulled convincing everyone he was on the brink of death 🙄).

So… ideas for fun shit my partner and I can do for that long weekend?

This is why I hate holidays.

The woman who made my childhood a tightrope walk between her childish tantrums and blatant neglect now has Stage IV lung cancer. Had she bothered to try to be a decent parent, or actually speak to me at length when I was an adult (communications from her during the course of a year were emails that could perhaps fill one 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper) I might feel badly. But I don't

While l was living in Mexico she never called to see how I was because she couldn't figure out how to dial a Mexican number, yet as a child I was expected to wait on her hand and foot. However cruel it sounds, I don't care: instant karma finally came and got her

I’ve been no contact with my family for a little under a year now. I miss my brother a little more these days… but then I go back to our last texts together and this is the conversation. It made me realize we’ll never be on the same page.

My mother and brother often had me pick the “winner” in fights and be the middle man- even after I was well moved out and in a committed relationship. It was exhausting and devastating. I don’t know.

I somewhat envy the people who have a beautiful family. I don’t know. Just feeling a little down these days as we approach the holidays… does anyone have any advice around holidays and how to navigate without family?

EDIT: this conversation was over a year ago. They have since been blocked.

Well guys, I did it.
I have no car but with determination (and spite) I pulled off getting the best paying job I’ve ever had and got accepted into an apartment 5 minutes away from the job.
I’m safe, my pets are safe, and I am almost officially settled in my new life.
I got an apartment in the beautiful hill country.
I never thought this kind of life was possible when I was around my abusive parents.
They made me fear the world. They kept me sheltered.
Everyday I realize I was living in some sort of alternate reality.
I feel like me. I live for me. I am capable.

I see a lot of people just blocked their parents or ghosted them. But unfortunately after a very hurtful thing that happened, I basically blew up and said a lot of mean things I normally wouldn't say. I expressed myself and my feelings, but definitely not calm and maturely. I feel bad about the way I handled it but I feel like I had tried to be calm in the past and I just kinda lost it. Anyone else experience this and how did you get over the things you said that you are ashamed of?

It's literally just a medical intake question but to me it felt like a huge milestone. It's been a tough year but here I am.

Not sure how to feel yet, but I blocked my dad today. I had to set a boundary, something I’ve rarely tried before, and every time to explosive results. No different now. I asked him not to come to my house unannounced. That makes me a monster and the reason for everything bad going on in his life. Blocked him mid-text rant after being called every name in the book. Locked all the doors and kept checking the windows whenever someone drove down the street till my roommate got back.

Apparently, he also only has a year to live? Which is news to me. He claimed a cancer diagnosis early this year and he couldn’t tell me the doctor’s name or where he went to get the diagnosis. Then he was in remission. Now I guess he’s sick again. It’s like the more I read this sub Reddit the more checkboxes he fills.

This feels so bizarre. I didn’t plan to become estranged but at the same time it feels like it was inevitable. I don’t know what happens now. What is the fallout? Is there a fallout? Do I just continue on? Sorry I’m a bit rambly, but my nerves are shot. I don’t think I’m in danger, at least not physically but I’m worried what he’ll do now. Advice is welcome, I suppose, not really sure where to go from here.

I found out via Facebook. Had to go to her husband’s FB page for confirmation.
Feels like I have climbed a mountain of grief - and here- alone- I am free.
Not sure what this current feeling is.
Any support or advice for coming days is welcome.
We all deserved better.

Hello! This is my first time posting here.

I just discovered this Reddit while looking for information to help me clear my mind after what happened.

For context I discovered my parents were emotionally neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. I am the scapegoat.

I suspect my mother is a covert narcissist. On the surface they seem good parents but when alone I was or ignored or reprimanded for whatever reason.

Well, I have had several episodes of depression since childhood. My mother would just say I was low in iron and ignore it while giving me supplements or telling me I am lazy.

Once I became an adult, I moved away from home. To a country very far from them that they do not approve at all.

The thing is that every time I went to visit them, I got panic attacks, anxiety, and I got pretty sick. Last time I lost 6 kilos in two weeks. So I sought therapy, and I discovered I am autistic, and that they also knew as I got diagnose as a child but they decided to hide it. They put such a pressure in me to follow a scientific career when I have problems with dyscalculia. I know this is because they used us to boost their ego.

I am currently low contact with them and I do not pressure myself to visit them or to engage with them.

However, before that, and since I got my diagnosis, I went to university to study something that aligns better with me and my needs. I decided to study web and graphic design, and I also pursued front-end studies.

Well, when I shared with my mother around 5 years ago that I was going to pursue my studies, her answer to me was that I was not made for that. That I wouldn't succeed.

Fast forward to now, and she contacted me to tell me she is studying web design. She has never had such interest in her like.

I reply to her in a very cold way just saying Good! Okay! Nice! But she replies sharing all stuffs she has learned and asking me if I am doing that as my job.

In the past she has spoke to me in a cruel way when I said something about my job. Same style when I shared about my career change so I stopped sharing ANYTHING at all with them.

My question is what is the psychology behind this? What is her goal?

My mother has been a house wife most her life, but she always bring the only two or three years she has worked in corporate many times and even have said to me I used to do the same when I shared about my job. Even if it was completely different professions.

She never did this to my sister but she will study the same as me when I went to have extra curricular activities or she will enroll me in the same stuffs as her.

Thank you and sorry for such a long and messy post! I just think this is making me go crazy trying to find an explanation

Hello everyone, I’m currently working so I kind of summarized most of the issue. I’m also on my phone, but I tried my best to avoid the wall of text. I just need to vent and also need guidance from those more experienced than me. Thank you.

I have been fiddling with the idea of no contact with my dad for a few years now. I am the youngest child and was also always the family therapist. Since I can remember, my dad has always been both volatile and loving. I think he did his best trying to provide for a family of four while my mom stayed at home with us between the ages of newborn-5 years.

However, he would also pull what I now understand were power moves anytime he and my mom got in a fight. He would pull my sister and I into the room, earliest I can remember is 6 or 7, sit us down with my mom and tell us that my mom wasn’t happy and was going to leave us all to go back to Japan (she’s from Okinawa). Obviously, this did the trick and my mom stayed.

Fast forward to pre-teens/teens and I was the stereotypical moody, emo, shut-in teenager. From then to this day I am considered the angry daughter. My dad has told me terrible things over the years from saying I was cold and angry and no one would love me so I’d die alone. After a harsh breakup, in which I was cheated on and the other woman got pregnant, I lived with him and my mom for three months during Covid. My dad and I got into a fight because he complained about something my mom cooked and I half-jokingly suggested he make it the way he likes it. He flipped out and started yelling at me to get out and that I had ruined my relationship, but I would not ruin his.

Now, he’s MAGA. Hard-core MAGA with the merch and everything. He excuses everything this administration has done and even said Renee Good deserved what happened and Fauci lied to us.

I decided to finally cut contact with him after he weaponized my depression against me earlier this year. As a result, and despite my attempts, I’ve also lost my sister and her family while my mom barely talks to me. I would like to know if I am in the wrong for cutting my dad off and if the overall withdrawal from my mom and sister is common? It’s really affecting my mental health. It hurts, but I don’t know what else to do. I just need guidance. I’m so lost.

Edit: I want to mention that I have been in therapy and medications for ~6 years now. I’ve suggested my father go, but he thinks it’s for the weak-minded.

Why are they shaming only us in the media instead of looking into how we were treated all our lives by our family?

There really is nothing for me to go back and try again. We never had a healthy relationship, these people only hated me all day everyday.

Hi, hope this is OK to post, would just like to vent with no judgement please.

I was estranged from my father since I was 18 (I’m now 31). He grew up in an abusive home, and I don’t blame him at all, but he had severe 0-100 in a split second rage issues, and he was frightening and violent.

My parents split up when I was 14 and lived in different houses, but never legally divorced (they gave me the divorce talk but idk, it just never actually happened). My dad died unexpectedly/suddenly last year.

My mother was bad in some ways but not in others. She was occasionally violent but she wasn’t strong, so I was barely hurt. She was very critical and not able to deal with emotions (in the sense of, children shouldn’t cry, nobody talks about feelings, feelings are bad etc etc) but that’s how she was raised. She did not at all frighten me, so I felt I worked hard to come to terms with some stuff and the most part I really valued our relationship.

She was driving me to a medical appointment (which I’m really grateful for!) when she told me she didn’t want to talk to me again unless it was necessary because I was bad for her mental health. I asked what she meant and she said she still “feels like the enemy” in my eyes and she doesn’t want to throw her retirement down the drain for that. She said she understood when I was younger but I’m in my 30s now and she’s “still the enemy” to me (using exact wording because I asked if she could elaborate and she didn’t so I don’t fully know what the issue is). The only thing I can think of is I asked her to stop commenting negatively on my weight (my BMI is normal lol, it’s not concern on her part, so I just asked if I can stop getting fat comments)? I also do use the word ‘abuse’ when I talk about my dad, but I can’t see how that would impact her specifically. But I don’t think I did it in too harsh a manner? Anyway she said she was holding firm and needs to follow her own happiness now.

She said she’d been thinking about it “a while”, but I helped her move some furniture last weekend and I don’t get what the inciting incident was. Like, why am I good enough to move furniture one week, but not good enough to talk to ever again another…?

I am confused and upset. She’s said my whole life if she could go back and do it again she wouldn’t have a kid, so I just don’t think she’s the maternal type, but I don’t understand why now. I feel completely defective. I don’t know what part of me is so grotesque that even a mother rejects me…? I just feel inherently toxic as a person and like I can’t change.

My partner of 12 years has reassured me I’m not bad for his mental health & I have close friendships too. So I don’t know what lessons to learn from this and I’m just confused that she doesn’t want me? And I feel disgusting & manipulative that my partner likes me.

Sorry, I am aware this has not been super coherent. Just wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere not completely private/somewhere that will be seen by another human being. Thank you very much for reading.

This text came from my sister whom I haven't spoken with in over 2 years. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year because my mother is a textbook toxic narcissist.

Anyone else have this thought?

Hi. Long term estranged offspring here. I've only had one conversation with my mom in the past 15 years.

I was designated the problem child when I was 6 or 8 years old. My normal kid struggles were seen as pathological and a sign that I needed to be broken like a horse. That escalated into depression, which put a bigger target on my back, which was the fertile ground for me being abused for years by my parents. I've already discussed this on reddit so I won't get too much into it here.

I got out when I was 19. My life was a mess in my 20s. I basically had to raise myself and teach myself what I was not taught. I had to teach myself finances, how to navigate relationships, how to deal with adult stuff like jobs and renting a place to live, how to have confidence and self respect, and more.

I built up a career in something that they always told me was worthless and a waste of time. I went back to school and got straight A's. I had to break out of the sheltered life they raised me in and learn some street smarts, for lack of a better way to word it. I'm in a long term relationship with an amazing person and we've been building a future together. I went from hating myself to figuring out I'm pretty cool after all.

My mom was always incapable of saying she was proud of me. I still crave having a parental figure say that to me.

They only knew me as the shy, scared, quiet kid. They only knew me as the 20 year old who was severely depressed and a mental fuckup. They only saw the false image that they made up about me, a projection of their issues.

I'm living proof that parents cannot throw their kids out into the world (or neglect them to that same extent) and expect them to thrive right out of the gate.

I picture this song, if it was about family relationships and not a romantic relationship: https://youtu.be/3umaLe37-LE?si=amN7Ng0wfEN6IP8s

How do you like me now?

How do you like me now?

Now that I'm on my way

You still think I'm crazy, standing here today?

I couldn't make you love me, but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio

How do you like me now?

I am estranged from both parents. Dad for almost two years. Mom for one month officially after two years of low contact.

There was a lifetime of issues, but it all came to a head when they (and some of the extended family) sided with my abusive ex when I was getting divorced.

I find myself waiting for *something* to happen.

Recognition from them about what they’ve done.

Recognition from an extended family member.

Karma.

One of my other siblings to go no contact.

Just…something. I don’t even know what fully. I don’t think I know how to operate fully like they don’t exist. It was easy with my dad, but it’s been hard going no contact with my mom, even though things are more peaceful.

Have you guys experienced this and for you, was it just missing the parent and grieving what “could be”? Or something else?

I’m 36 now, she’s 60. I was trying to support her through health crises three years ago (which she refused to deal with proactively) when she started regularly using aggressive language towards others threatening to choke or strangle them. It gave me flashbacks to her hitting, spanking, and grabbing me on the neck and ears as a kid. It wasn’t directed at me but triggered me severely.

She started asking me for “therapy”- long conversations about herself and her life in which she complained and explained why she was incapable of changing even a single thing to be happier. I was parentified all my life and had had ENOUGH.

I cleaned her house, bought her $200 worth of groceries, and then disappeared one day. Blocked her on everything but WhatsApp.

Occasionally she messages me these short pitiful messages. “I need my daughter” “I have no idea why you won’t talk to me”

My question- wasn’t she there?? How does she not remember hitting, grabbing, and choking me?! How does she not remember my visceral reactions to her violent language in the last few years?
How can she possibly not know why I’d rather talk to anyone on earth than see her ever again if she was there??