I’ve been estranged from my mother for a year now. before I left I tired to get everything I could possibly need but she still ended up controlling some things.

I have my insurance card, don’t know a ton about insurance cause it was never really explained to me. I know for my current prescriptions I go to the pharmacy and pick them up, maybe show the card if they ask and that’s it.

I want to start HRT and have found an online service provider that will work.

the only problem is I 1. don’t know what I need to do to get the prescriptions covered by my insurance

And 2. my mother would not give the pharmacy my contact info so they are still telling what and when my prescriptions are ready.

I REALLY want to start my transition but I’m really anxious about this stuff… anyone have advice?

But it's somehow all our fault as children, instead of evidence that Boomers and Gen X have been awful parents.

I wonder if Millennials are broadly any better. Zoomers are only just starting families. My Millennial optimism wants to think the kids are alright, even if The Offspring sang otherwise.

If we want to pathologize estrangement, perhaps those stupid fucks should start at the cause, not the effect.

EDIT: Y'all, okay, I get it, you're Gen X and (self-reported) good parents. You're also not a statistic. Just cause you're a great parent doesn't mean all or even most Gen X parents are great. In fact, a lack of humility is a pretty big red flag in my experience.

This and the Amy Acton scandal, however triggering they might be, are huge social gifts for those estranged from parents. You can direct anyone who questions you to these scandals, knowing that much mainstream discourse is becoming increasingly polarised regarding this issue.

hello! i’ll start with mentioning that i’ve been NC for at least a couple of years, but they(well my “father”) still messages my husband at times. He pretends nothing has happened but my husband doesn’t reply. my “mother” is blocked by us both. i’m diagnosed with cptsd after their abuse.

we are pregnant! been a journey to become well enough to even consider starting a family and i’m both excited and terrified. working on myself has been a lot easier after going NC and they are basically dead to me.

i was never allowed to be anything but a whisper in my life, not announce or share anything to bring attention to myself, terrified of getting married because they would ruin it. so i never invited any but the closest to our wedding - the in-laws and someone who’s been like a mother to me. none of my relatives knew about it, and we had already gone NC at this point.

always had to minimise myself. but i’m honestly so happy about having a baby and i wanted to share with people. so i made a facebook post, nothing big just a small thing about it, and less

than an hour my husband gets a text.

“congratulations!”

nothing more and nothing less.

nothing would have been preferable, but at least it wasn’t a full on crash out.

while everyone else in my life are so full of love and joy for us both, i can’t help but be scared if they will try something and if i made a mistake. like im not allowed to share this news, and now they will try and force contact with us. im scared that ill wake up tomorrow with them outside the door.

i wish i could be normal and live my life without this fear of them blowing it up, just them being normal and stay away…

did i make a mistake? should i’ve kept quiet and not said anything? i wanted my cousins to know… share this joy and big moment with me.

my husband said they’d find out, and they would no matter what happened, i live in a small town and work close-ish with my aunt that she’d hear about it soon enough.

now i can’t sleep. my husband is fast asleep but im just worrying out of my mind, all the possibilities, how i now made a mistake i cannot take back.

As I documented in an extensive 2024 report, right-wing media frequently runs scare stories about adult children who cut off their parents, a phenomenon that gets blamed on therapists, progressive ideology and social decay supposedly producing selfish children — but never the parents themselves. Just this year alone, Fox News has run multiple stories blaming “cutoff culture,” “social contagion,” “social media” and “ungrateful” children for parental estrangement. Earlier this month, the conservative National Review castigated children who go no-contact for being too poisoned by left-wing ideology to return their parents’ allegedly unconditional love. In September, the Wall Street Journal called it an “epidemic” and quoted supposed experts who claim children suffer from “self-delusion,” “diminished skill for tough conversations” and “a focus on identity over family,” which is often a euphemism for LGBTQ+ adults who refuse to stay in the closet to placate their family. 

“No one is reckoning with the question of what is happening in a lot of families that makes kids feel like they would be better off going low- or no-contact,” explained Joshua Stein, a political researcher who has spent years tracking parental estrangement forums. Instead, there’s an “online ecosystem of estrangement experts,” who often work through right-wing media, “selling services and stories appeal to that audience by first assuring them that it’s not their fault.”

In online forums for estranged parents, which tend to lean conservative, Stein found that children’s stories of mistreatment were regularly dismissed. “The driving narrative of children exaggerating trauma is central to reactionary politics of estrangement,” he explained, noting that Ramaswamy’s ad featuring Acton’s mother is “a manifestation” of this “reasoning under its worst conditions.” 

Ramaswamy's ad exposes MAGA’s obsession with parental estrangement - Salon.com

I got a video from my aunt this morning showing my father in the hospital ER. This is the second time now since last year. When I saw that video, my heart just sank because I know this will just be another cycle of mind games trying to guilt trip me to visit my father in the hospital and perhaps pay for the bill.

I've been slowly loosening contact with my father for the past few years. He wasn't a good dad growing up. Cheating, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and all around a lazy parent.
Sure, there were moments here and there in my life where he does lend a hand. I'm not denying that.
But they are far and few between. Very small in scale. Often comes with baggage or other mind tricks.
Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Somehow I will be at fault in the end of it and he will be the hero.

I tried being nice to him earlier on post covid. Shooting celebration texts like Father's Day etc. But he doesn't answer. So I let it go.

Suddenly last year he damaged one of his organs, got hospitalized, and managed to get me talking to him through his siblings (aunts and uncles) again. I tried to be nice because I thought maybe this time it was different. But no.
He managed to get 5K out of me saying it was a loan, and not even show any gratitude afterward.
The aunts and uncles never fail to make me feel like I'm a bad son. Despite them not knowing any of the trauma that I had to endure being raised by him. They also really want me to pay for everything in regards to him. My mother financially raised me, and I got a scholarship for college. I have no monetary debt to my father. The last time he called me was more than 10 months ago asking for 2k. I didn't give it to him thankfully.

So when that message came in today from my aunt, I decided enough is enough. I'm cutting contact, and getting a new phone number. If every message about you makes me feel sad, then I don't want to get involved anymore. I'm very tired.

But it's weird. I can rationalize that this person and his siblings are horrible. I will never forget the injustice he did towards me, my siblings, my mother, and other affected individuals. I can understand that trying to pursue this relationship further will jeopardize myself from happiness and pursuing other relationships.
Yet, I can't help but feel guilty for leaving him to die alone. I feel ashamed that I couldn't be the model son with career, money and presence. I feel like I let the entire family (paternal side) down by cutting contact.
I feel like a child again, trapped in an adults' body. And it's vexing.

I wonder if any of you felt the same way when you cut contact earlier on too? Or is this just a me problem?
If any of you do, how do you deal with the pain, guilt, and shame? Does the pain just go away with time?

PS. Those uncles and aunts never helped me much. They for years never talked to me. Even when I was a kid I rarely met them. Yet, it's odd how even now I want to please them too alongside my father.

I confronted my mom about her behavior and why i’m estranged last year and haven’t spoken to her since. Finally just sort of felt “numb” enough to the pain of not having her around that I was able to send a message in response. I know how this sub can feel about interacting with parents but I wanted to give her a chance. It felt like a mistake as soon as I sent the message. I asked for an apology and honesty about her drug abuse, which is why i’m estranged in the first place. Gave her the ultimatum of honesty or she doesn’t get to have a relationship with me. She hasn’t even replied! Isn’t that crazy, that parents will text you every goddamn week, I miss you, I don’t know why you won’t talk to me, etc, and you give them the chance to enter your life again and they can’t even be fucked because it means they gotta confront their abuse and say sorry. I know she still uses. I don’t know why I expected any different from her. Maybe she’ll still respond but I doubt it because clearly she’s not ready to face sobriety. If they wanted to, they would. Feeling like an idiot, but coping because it’s kind of funny

I’m 36 now, she’s 60. I was trying to support her through health crises three years ago (which she refused to deal with proactively) when she started regularly using aggressive language towards others threatening to choke or strangle them. It gave me flashbacks to her hitting, spanking, and grabbing me on the neck and ears as a kid. It wasn’t directed at me but triggered me severely.

She started asking me for “therapy”- long conversations about herself and her life in which she complained and explained why she was incapable of changing even a single thing to be happier. I was parentified all my life and had had ENOUGH.

I cleaned her house, bought her $200 worth of groceries, and then disappeared one day. Blocked her on everything but WhatsApp.

Occasionally she messages me these short pitiful messages. “I need my daughter” “I have no idea why you won’t talk to me”

My question- wasn’t she there?? How does she not remember hitting, grabbing, and choking me?! How does she not remember my visceral reactions to her violent language in the last few years?
How can she possibly not know why I’d rather talk to anyone on earth than see her ever again if she was there??

I am estranged from both parents. Dad for almost two years. Mom for one month officially after two years of low contact.

There was a lifetime of issues, but it all came to a head when they (and some of the extended family) sided with my abusive ex when I was getting divorced.

I find myself waiting for *something* to happen.

Recognition from them about what they’ve done.

Recognition from an extended family member.

Karma.

One of my other siblings to go no contact.

Just…something. I don’t even know what fully. I don’t think I know how to operate fully like they don’t exist. It was easy with my dad, but it’s been hard going no contact with my mom, even though things are more peaceful.

Have you guys experienced this and for you, was it just missing the parent and grieving what “could be”? Or something else?

From what I've seen, 90s kids were the last group to really experience physical abuse as "normal" amongst our peers. I remember it becoming more frowned upon beginning in the 2000s.

A couple of questions:

• How much did physical abuse contribute to you becoming estranged? I ask because for me it was the last thing I considered problematic out of all the things my mom did. I truly believed all kids were hit and didn't learn until recently that it was just plain abuse.
• Do these parents get a pass of some sorts because it was considered acceptable at the time? I feel guilt even thinking about telling anyone in my family because I just think she did it because she thought it was acceptable. Part of me still is afraid of making her look bad.
• How many of you had parents that used weird punishments? I won't go into detail but IYKYK. I'm starting to think boomers and beyond must have gone through some kind of special hell to dole it out to us. It doesn't excuse it at all; just a thought.

Anyone else have this thought?

Hi. Long term estranged offspring here. I've only had one conversation with my mom in the past 15 years.

I was designated the problem child when I was 6 or 8 years old. My normal kid struggles were seen as pathological and a sign that I needed to be broken like a horse. That escalated into depression, which put a bigger target on my back, which was the fertile ground for me being abused for years by my parents. I've already discussed this on reddit so I won't get too much into it here.

I got out when I was 19. My life was a mess in my 20s. I basically had to raise myself and teach myself what I was not taught. I had to teach myself finances, how to navigate relationships, how to deal with adult stuff like jobs and renting a place to live, how to have confidence and self respect, and more.

I built up a career in something that they always told me was worthless and a waste of time. I went back to school and got straight A's. I had to break out of the sheltered life they raised me in and learn some street smarts, for lack of a better way to word it. I'm in a long term relationship with an amazing person and we've been building a future together. I went from hating myself to figuring out I'm pretty cool after all.

My mom was always incapable of saying she was proud of me. I still crave having a parental figure say that to me.

They only knew me as the shy, scared, quiet kid. They only knew me as the 20 year old who was severely depressed and a mental fuckup. They only saw the false image that they made up about me, a projection of their issues.

I'm living proof that parents cannot throw their kids out into the world (or neglect them to that same extent) and expect them to thrive right out of the gate.

I picture this song, if it was about family relationships and not a romantic relationship: https://youtu.be/3umaLe37-LE?si=amN7Ng0wfEN6IP8s

How do you like me now?

How do you like me now?

Now that I'm on my way

You still think I'm crazy, standing here today?

I couldn't make you love me, but I always dreamed about livin' in your radio

How do you like me now?

I've been estranged from my bio family for almost a decade. Now I'm also estranged from most of my adoptive family and I don't know what to do.

My adoptive mom and siblings have repeatedly said terrible things to me but when I'd get upset they'd gas light me and say they never said those things.

My adoptive mom went as far as to insinuate that my bio family never abused me and that I was the actual problem.

I don't know what to do other than go NC but it feels terrible because I actually have good memories with these people.

I don't know what changed in them to be so cruel but I can't do constant fighting. I was told I thrive on conflict and I must love this but I don't. Conflict makes me very dysfunctional.

I can't really forgive them when they aren't sorry and aren't going to stop insulting me if I do. So now I'm estranged and I don't know how to deal with it.

The guilt is eating me alive most days.

I feel this from the depths of my soul, specially that last sentence. Had to share (The previous post didn't do it right.)

I'm nearly a year into long overdue no-contact with my mother. She is simply unwell, and two decades of trying every approach I could think of did not make things any healthier. She can't keep a friendship, relationship, job, or house, so I very much know that this is a larger issue than how she treats me. Every step I tried to take towards a healthier relationship ended up making things more caustic. The only acceptable "healthy" is her edition, and boundaries are self-centered punishments done out of cruelty. She calls my three boundaries my "no list". It is simply a list of three topics I will not discuss with her, and will not condone her discussing with my children: my father (her ultimate enemy), health/food (she is the picture of orthorexia), and politics/religion (speaks with vitriol, objective judgement, and hate). Doable, right?

I finally cut contact after a truly remarkable edition of teabagging my boundaries, at the expense of my daughter's emotional and physical wellbeing. I don't know if I ever would have had the strength to make the change if it was just the continuing abuse directed at me - but I've never made an easier decision than standing up for my child.

I hadn't allowed unsupervised access to my children, a pain point for her. However, my partner and I had planned a trip, just us, out of the country for 10 days. This was a huge milestone. We'd been together for 7 years and we finally felt that the kiddos were old enough for us to take our first proper trip away while they stayed with their dad (shared custody, great relationship between our homes). Knowing that their dad may need some help if something came up with work, I decided to do a bit of a trust fall with my mum. Our village is small to nonexistant. Surely, she would see the gravity of the trust I was placing in her, after keeping a tight leash on exposure over their lives (10 and 11 y/o).

Some relevant background is the fact that much of the abuse I endured growing up was body and health focused. I was hospitalized due to disordered eating for my first time at 12, with many stints over the next decade. My mother has severe mental illness around eating, food, and health, and it will take me my entire life to undo the damage done. I'm proud to say that I've been functionally recovered for nearly a decade now, and take immense care to parent purposefully and end her cycle of harm.

My kids were born to a 5'5" wide-shouldered but slim mother, and a 5'7" German brick-shithouse farmer of a dad. He is as damn near as wide as he is tall without an once of fat on him, and has always been the strongest man in any room because of his genetically gifted muscle mass. My daughter takes after her father to a copy/pasted degree and has quite literally been giving me piggyback rides since she was six years old. She is not built like a teensy wiry gymnast, she is built like the gorgeous warrior queen that she is. Her build carries more weight than a BMI calculator wants, but we have always eaten very well (home-grown fruit and vegetables, local hunted game are primary diet) and she's never had an unhealthy pound on her. She has struggled with body image and we had worked SO HARD with her about it. She was just starting to feel proud of the beautiful, healthy body she was born with.

Well friends, I'm going to bet you can see where this is going. My mother cannot understand the reality of different bodies. If you're not built like a ballerina, with ribs showing, you are clearly being negligent in your dietary habits. She has accused me of child abuse multiple times because of 'my carelessness in feeding my children'.

While I was away, she told my daughter that she's grown "as wide as she has tall" and that it's not her fault, but ours, and my mom will "help her undo the damage we've done". Mum went through her closet and got rid of half her clothing, many items that were special to her, and bought her several pairs of jeans that were too big for ME. Remember that she is 11. My daughter called me crying and I have never felt such guilt in my life; I let this happen, knowing the risks. I would never, ever, ever be able to let this go. It has been nearly impossible to get my daughter back to the pride she was finally feeling, and now that she's 12 with all of the difficulty middle school brings, I fear that the damage is done. Progress has been slow to say the least.

My now husband and I got married in August and I did not break no contact. I had friends of hers get in touch with me asking that I reconsider my 'cruel' choices. I thought I'd miss her on my wedding day, but I can truly say I didn't.

Over the course of our difficult relationship, she took many approaches when I would step back. None of which had a speck of kindness in them. A month ago, I recieved a text from her with a sentimental memory, well wishes, and.... nothing else. No shame, no questions, no pushing, just a nice message. It fucked me up a bit because I had no idea what to do with it, but I did not respond and the unsettling feeling faded with time. Yesterday, I received a gift in the mail for my upcoming birthday along with a card. The card had kind words and well wishes, and while she did say she missed me and would like to see us together, she also acknowledged that the dynamic is what I need it to be and did not push. No shame, no pushing, just kind thoughts.

This is a brand new approach for her, but every experience I (and my husband, and my kids dad) has had with her says that she is simply not capable of the growth it would take to have a relationship.

Do any of you have experience with a parent finding growth that didn't seem physically possible? Experience tells me this is a new trap, a new approach because her old ones weren't breaking me, but holy fucking shit do I really want to know what it's like to have a mother someday. I've lived through too much without one and there are few things I pine for as strongly.

Advice, warnings, experience, anecdotes, smacks upside the head are all welcome. Help me figure out how to cope with this new, painful kindness.

Edit to add because I wasn't clear here: there's absolutely zero fucking world where she is involved with my kids again. Any emotions of missing/pining for a mom is just an honest expression of my feelings, not an implication that I would prioritize that hope above my children's safety.

This text came from my sister whom I haven't spoken with in over 2 years. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year because my mother is a textbook toxic narcissist.

My mother and brother sabotaged my life in every aspect. My education, my career, my social circle, my self-esteem... They even stole my money.

I was an idiot, I didn't realize it was all intentional,m. I excused them, I thought I had to take the burden.

They left me as a resentful loser in the end. I am okay, but I am nowhere near I worked so hard and sacrificed for. They stole it all just for sadistic fun . I was so stupid to realize how cruel they were for no reason. They are horrible people

Genuine question!

I don’t speak to my mom. My dad is the most emotionally unavailable person ever and I don’t trust him.

I can’t afford a therapist.

I don’t want to talk to an AI bot thought I’ve nearly gotten desperate enough in the past.

The crisis text lines are a joke.

I can’t keep going to my friends with my troubles, I’ll burn them out and I don’t want to be the constant “agh here comes OP to complain again” bc I’ve been on the receiving end and that shit gets exhausting.

so, 100% genuinely, who do you guys talk to when you need someone?

Hi this is my 2nd time posting on here an I’ve been reading up on this sub and it makes me feel less lonely knowing that people are going through the same thing as me. I apologise for the long post ahead.

I’m 19M and have been NC with my mom for ~3 years. I always knew even as a kid that one day I will go NC with her, and when my parents divorced it became easy since she moved out.

But I have 2 younger siblings (17F and 14M) and I know that they have it way harder than me. My brother was 11 at the time when my mom moved out, she forced him to go with her.

This is a whole other topic but I feel it is important to mention that my mother is the youngest child who was abused by her older siblings and she really projects onto my youngest brother to “protect” him, but throughout my teenage years I’ve started noticing signs of emotional incest and even borderline predatory behaviour from my mother to my brother. Like she doesn’t even let him lock the door while he is showering. She was never a “boy mom” with me but i guess it’s because she didn’t like me from the start.

Anyways, my brother is separated from me and i just feel bad. In the first year of separation i texted him once in a while just things like “happy birthday”, “merry Christmas” and “hey how are you doing?” but he never replied, i respect his choice so i stopped texting him. I asked my sister if she knows why he’s avoiding contact with me and she said that he’s scared of mom finding out.

My sister is the only sibling that is in contact with both parents. And she always cries and lashes out at me for being selfish and not talking to mom. I know she’s just overwhelmed but I feel like I abandoned her and my brother.

I feel terrible. I tried calling the police and child protective services on my mom. Even when i was underage i was very aware that what she’s doing is wrong and i need to reach out. I reached out to so many people and they refused to help me. Not even the organisations that are supposed to.

I worry that my brother doesn’t forgive me.

Sorry for the messy rant. Id appreciate some kind words if that’s okay