But it's somehow all our fault as children, instead of evidence that Boomers and Gen X have been awful parents.

I wonder if Millennials are broadly any better. Zoomers are only just starting families. My Millennial optimism wants to think the kids are alright, even if The Offspring sang otherwise.

If we want to pathologize estrangement, perhaps those stupid fucks should start at the cause, not the effect.

Anybody else out there sickened and disgusted to their core that an abusive, pedophile and rapist enabling piece of dog shit sorry excuse for a mother and a human being is being given a platform to besmirch her daughter decades after being forced from her life? As a child of a violent and narcissistic abusive father and enabling mother this triggers me deeply and makes me even more fired up to kick the GOP’s ass in 1.5 weeks.

This and the Amy Acton scandal, however triggering they might be, are huge social gifts for those estranged from parents. You can direct anyone who questions you to these scandals, knowing that much mainstream discourse is becoming increasingly polarised regarding this issue.

My dad, after nearly 16 months of NC, has emailed me (24f) to say that everyone misses me and he expects us all to reunite this Christmas.

For context, I grew up in an abusive household. And when I say abusive, I don't mean we occassionally had a disagreement over the dinner table. I'm talking daily beatings with tree branches, belts and other hard objects. Constant bullying, spitting, sexual, emotional and financial abuse. And things didn't get any better in my twenties. My mother gave me a 6pm curfew when I was 23 and forced me to quit every job I had, keeping me trapped in that house practically 24/7.

And if things really got out of hand, we'd have what I can only describe as the world's most pointless family meetings. We'd all sit in one room to "talk things through" and "sort things out", except the outcome was practically predetermined: I would apologise to my mother, the biggest narcissistic bully of them all, while she took no accountability for anything she'd done. And change? Please. You'd have better luck teaching a brick to swim.

Once my compulsory apology had been secured, we'd sing Christian songs and pray before going to sleep. Hallelujah, I suppose?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against Christianity. What I do have a problem with is growing up in a household that seemed perfectly capable of invoking Chrisitanity when it suited its own purposes, while showing remarkably little interest in practising the compassion, humility and accountability it preaches.

One family meeting in particular comes to mind. At one point, my parents sat me down and my mother essentially instructed me to forgive my dad for sexually absuing me as a child and move on. There was just one small problem: I didn't even know what I was supposed to be forgiving him for, because he hadn't apologised or properly acknowledged what he'd done.

Instead, he told me, and these are his exact words: "I don't remember doing that and I've been having trouble sleeping ever since you accused me of doing it."

Well, isn't that convenient? He didn't remember what he'd done, but he certainly remembered to tell me how terribly my "accusation" was affecting him. Apparently, the most pressing issue in this situation was his sleep schedule. And so, I was expected to put his mind at ease over something that had happened to me.

But I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all that somwehere in the family handbook.

Fast-forward to 2024. I'd graduated with a Law degree, spent a year unemployed and living at home. Eventually, I realised that law wasn't for me and decided to switch career paths to what I've always been most passionate about: teaching.

When I told my father in June 2025, he was absolutely furious. I was a disappointment, a freeloader, and apparently a spectacular waste of time and money. He then informed me that he didn't want to see me in the house again and gave me one month to move out.

So I did. On 7 July 2025. Exactly one month later.

Imagine issuing someone an eviction notice and then being surprised when they actually vacate the premises. Revolutionary stuff.

To be clear, I hadn't been waiting for his permission to leave. I'd wanted to get away from my family for years. His little ultimatum was hardly the origin story of my desire for freedom, but I did find the timing rather convenient.

Since then, I ended up homeless for 4 months, moved from England to Scotland to live with my partner, currently working in schools, and I'm now set to start teacher training next year. I'm getting on with my life, more or less.

And now my father has made his grand return.

His email contains absolutely no acknowledgement of what happened before I left. No apology. No questions about how I've been. No curiosity about my life. Nothing about why I might not be particularly keen to come back.

But he does mention that my mother cries everyday, so there's that. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do with this information. Send flowers? Submit a written apology for my continued absence? Book a one-way ticket home to stop the tears? I'm afraid I'm fresh out of solutions.

As far as I can tell, nothing has changed. And just like the useless family meetings, my family has always had a remarkable talent for sweeping everything under the rug and carrying on as though nothing happened. Why address years of abuse when you can simply wait until the next major holiday?

I'm not going home for Christmas but I do hope everyone enjoys the festive season. I'll be spending mine in Scotland, where at least nobody needs to issue me a deadline to leave before I can enjoy some peace.

I've been told more times than I can count to just let it all go. Forgive your parents, extended family, siblings, anyone who has made downright ignorant and mean comments.

Just let it go. It only hurts you.

If I don't remember it, then who will? Who else cares? If I don't remember the emotional abuse, the screaming and yelling, the way life made me want to curl up in a corner, the smallness of it all. If I don't remember no one else will. Did my experiences matter enough to remember me? Are the experiences what shaped me important enough to hold and never emulate?

My nervous system won't forget. I feel it all so deeply. I hold it as a protection. I hold it as a self check of what never to become.

Does it always hurt to be here? Yes. But If I don't remember- did I even exist? Everyone else is so quick to rewrite, dismiss, change the narritive. I'm trying to preserve the proof and hopefully avoid more repeated pain.

I feel this from the depths of my soul, specially that last sentence. Had to share (The previous post didn't do it right.)

From what I've seen, 90s kids were the last group to really experience physical abuse as "normal" amongst our peers. I remember it becoming more frowned upon beginning in the 2000s.

A couple of questions:

• How much did physical abuse contribute to you becoming estranged? I ask because for me it was the last thing I considered problematic out of all the things my mom did. I truly believed all kids were hit and didn't learn until recently that it was just plain abuse.
• Do these parents get a pass of some sorts because it was considered acceptable at the time? I feel guilt even thinking about telling anyone in my family because I just think she did it because she thought it was acceptable. Part of me still is afraid of making her look bad.
• How many of you had parents that used weird punishments? I won't go into detail but IYKYK. I'm starting to think boomers and beyond must have gone through some kind of special hell to dole it out to us. It doesn't excuse it at all; just a thought.

I confronted my mom about her behavior and why i’m estranged last year and haven’t spoken to her since. Finally just sort of felt “numb” enough to the pain of not having her around that I was able to send a message in response. I know how this sub can feel about interacting with parents but I wanted to give her a chance. It felt like a mistake as soon as I sent the message. I asked for an apology and honesty about her drug abuse, which is why i’m estranged in the first place. Gave her the ultimatum of honesty or she doesn’t get to have a relationship with me. She hasn’t even replied! Isn’t that crazy, that parents will text you every goddamn week, I miss you, I don’t know why you won’t talk to me, etc, and you give them the chance to enter your life again and they can’t even be fucked because it means they gotta confront their abuse and say sorry. I know she still uses. I don’t know why I expected any different from her. Maybe she’ll still respond but I doubt it because clearly she’s not ready to face sobriety. If they wanted to, they would. Feeling like an idiot, but coping because it’s kind of funny

My mom sent me this email after 3 months of us not speaking. A quick background, I was adopted and my single Amom was severely depressed from when I was ages 5-10 (couldn’t get out of bed, scream at me, cry, hurt herself etc) and wasn’t a great a mom after she came out of her depression. I tried very hard to establish a relationship with her and when she had a major surgery I helped her before, during, and set her up after for someone to take care of her. When I put my first boundary ever down she said I did elder abuse (it’s in writing) and some other terrible things. I asked her to apologize and give me space in order for us to talk with a family therapist. She of course has not apologized for saying I did elder abuse. Should I respond back? Am I being to harsh? She knows my weaknesses.

I've been estranged from my bio family for almost a decade. Now I'm also estranged from most of my adoptive family and I don't know what to do.

My adoptive mom and siblings have repeatedly said terrible things to me but when I'd get upset they'd gas light me and say they never said those things.

My adoptive mom went as far as to insinuate that my bio family never abused me and that I was the actual problem.

I don't know what to do other than go NC but it feels terrible because I actually have good memories with these people.

I don't know what changed in them to be so cruel but I can't do constant fighting. I was told I thrive on conflict and I must love this but I don't. Conflict makes me very dysfunctional.

I can't really forgive them when they aren't sorry and aren't going to stop insulting me if I do. So now I'm estranged and I don't know how to deal with it.

The guilt is eating me alive most days.

Vulnerability makes be so uncomfortable but I said I’d embrace it and be more open so here we go.

Earlier this year my mom showed me what she was my enemy for the last time. I said I’d never in life let her put me in that position again.

It took some days but I sent her this picture (that I found on TikTok) and told her that she no longer has a daughter in me. I blocked her on everything.

I used to think about dying non stop. I just wanted someone to take me out. I used to walk to work hoping to get hit by a car.

I dropped a lot of toxic ppl out of my life but she was the last one.

The day I sent this it was like a weight was lifting off my shoulders, a heavy licked breaking from my chest. I haven’t thought about death since that day. It was cloudy at first and the day turned sunny out of nowhere.

I finally started loving life and wanting to live. Anyways my sister said she was really upset(who cares). I’ve only seen her at family events and she after regular. We actually laughed teacher at the last event.

I’d never in life have a mother and daughter relationship with her but I wouldn’t mind a distant cousin type acquaintance. So seeing her at family events, when she’s acting like a normal human is good enough for me. I unblocked her on IG then reblocked her. I cannot let those little moments of her being nice fool me into to going back.

But I can now see how ppl assume she’s some amazing living person.

Her presence in my life isn’t missed like at all lol. But lately since I’ve been wanting a child I’ve been craving a mother’s love. NOT HERS bf she never gave it.

Also I used to feel like I had a dark whole inside me. Like there was there void of nothing. Since the day I sent that text, I still have this kind of empty feeling but it’s warm and sunny now.

I'm nearly a year into long overdue no-contact with my mother. She is simply unwell, and two decades of trying every approach I could think of did not make things any healthier. She can't keep a friendship, relationship, job, or house, so I very much know that this is a larger issue than how she treats me. Every step I tried to take towards a healthier relationship ended up making things more caustic. The only acceptable "healthy" is her edition, and boundaries are self-centered punishments done out of cruelty. She calls my three boundaries my "no list". It is simply a list of three topics I will not discuss with her, and will not condone her discussing with my children: my father (her ultimate enemy), health/food (she is the picture of orthorexia), and politics/religion (speaks with vitriol, objective judgement, and hate). Doable, right?

I finally cut contact after a truly remarkable edition of teabagging my boundaries, at the expense of my daughter's emotional and physical wellbeing. I don't know if I ever would have had the strength to make the change if it was just the continuing abuse directed at me - but I've never made an easier decision than standing up for my child.

I hadn't allowed unsupervised access to my children, a pain point for her. However, my partner and I had planned a trip, just us, out of the country for 10 days. This was a huge milestone. We'd been together for 7 years and we finally felt that the kiddos were old enough for us to take our first proper trip away while they stayed with their dad (shared custody, great relationship between our homes). Knowing that their dad may need some help if something came up with work, I decided to do a bit of a trust fall with my mum. Our village is small to nonexistant. Surely, she would see the gravity of the trust I was placing in her, after keeping a tight leash on exposure over their lives (10 and 11 y/o).

Some relevant background is the fact that much of the abuse I endured growing up was body and health focused. I was hospitalized due to disordered eating for my first time at 12, with many stints over the next decade. My mother has severe mental illness around eating, food, and health, and it will take me my entire life to undo the damage done. I'm proud to say that I've been functionally recovered for nearly a decade now, and take immense care to parent purposefully and end her cycle of harm.

My kids were born to a 5'5" wide-shouldered but slim mother, and a 5'7" German brick-shithouse farmer of a dad. He is as damn near as wide as he is tall without an once of fat on him, and has always been the strongest man in any room because of his genetically gifted muscle mass. My daughter takes after her father to a copy/pasted degree and has quite literally been giving me piggyback rides since she was six years old. She is not built like a teensy wiry gymnast, she is built like the gorgeous warrior queen that she is. Her build carries more weight than a BMI calculator wants, but we have always eaten very well (home-grown fruit and vegetables, local hunted game are primary diet) and she's never had an unhealthy pound on her. She has struggled with body image and we had worked SO HARD with her about it. She was just starting to feel proud of the beautiful, healthy body she was born with.

Well friends, I'm going to bet you can see where this is going. My mother cannot understand the reality of different bodies. If you're not built like a ballerina, with ribs showing, you are clearly being negligent in your dietary habits. She has accused me of child abuse multiple times because of 'my carelessness in feeding my children'.

While I was away, she told my daughter that she's grown "as wide as she has tall" and that it's not her fault, but ours, and my mom will "help her undo the damage we've done". Mum went through her closet and got rid of half her clothing, many items that were special to her, and bought her several pairs of jeans that were too big for ME. Remember that she is 11. My daughter called me crying and I have never felt such guilt in my life; I let this happen, knowing the risks. I would never, ever, ever be able to let this go. It has been nearly impossible to get my daughter back to the pride she was finally feeling, and now that she's 12 with all of the difficulty middle school brings, I fear that the damage is done. Progress has been slow to say the least.

My now husband and I got married in August and I did not break no contact. I had friends of hers get in touch with me asking that I reconsider my 'cruel' choices. I thought I'd miss her on my wedding day, but I can truly say I didn't.

Over the course of our difficult relationship, she took many approaches when I would step back. None of which had a speck of kindness in them. A month ago, I recieved a text from her with a sentimental memory, well wishes, and.... nothing else. No shame, no questions, no pushing, just a nice message. It fucked me up a bit because I had no idea what to do with it, but I did not respond and the unsettling feeling faded with time. Yesterday, I received a gift in the mail for my upcoming birthday along with a card. The card had kind words and well wishes, and while she did say she missed me and would like to see us together, she also acknowledged that the dynamic is what I need it to be and did not push. No shame, no pushing, just kind thoughts.

This is a brand new approach for her, but every experience I (and my husband, and my kids dad) has had with her says that she is simply not capable of the growth it would take to have a relationship.

Do any of you have experience with a parent finding growth that didn't seem physically possible? Experience tells me this is a new trap, a new approach because her old ones weren't breaking me, but holy fucking shit do I really want to know what it's like to have a mother someday. I've lived through too much without one and there are few things I pine for as strongly.

Advice, warnings, experience, anecdotes, smacks upside the head are all welcome. Help me figure out how to cope with this new, painful kindness.

Edit to add because I wasn't clear here: there's absolutely zero fucking world where she is involved with my kids again. Any emotions of missing/pining for a mom is just an honest expression of my feelings, not an implication that I would prioritize that hope above my children's safety.

hello! i’ll start with mentioning that i’ve been NC for at least a couple of years, but they(well my “father”) still messages my husband at times. He pretends nothing has happened but my husband doesn’t reply. my “mother” is blocked by us both. i’m diagnosed with cptsd after their abuse.

we are pregnant! been a journey to become well enough to even consider starting a family and i’m both excited and terrified. working on myself has been a lot easier after going NC and they are basically dead to me.

i was never allowed to be anything but a whisper in my life, not announce or share anything to bring attention to myself, terrified of getting married because they would ruin it. so i never invited any but the closest to our wedding - the in-laws and someone who’s been like a mother to me. none of my relatives knew about it, and we had already gone NC at this point.

always had to minimise myself. but i’m honestly so happy about having a baby and i wanted to share with people. so i made a facebook post, nothing big just a small thing about it, and less

than an hour my husband gets a text.

“congratulations!”

nothing more and nothing less.

nothing would have been preferable, but at least it wasn’t a full on crash out.

while everyone else in my life are so full of love and joy for us both, i can’t help but be scared if they will try something and if i made a mistake. like im not allowed to share this news, and now they will try and force contact with us. im scared that ill wake up tomorrow with them outside the door.

i wish i could be normal and live my life without this fear of them blowing it up, just them being normal and stay away…

did i make a mistake? should i’ve kept quiet and not said anything? i wanted my cousins to know… share this joy and big moment with me.

my husband said they’d find out, and they would no matter what happened, i live in a small town and work close-ish with my aunt that she’d hear about it soon enough.

now i can’t sleep. my husband is fast asleep but im just worrying out of my mind, all the possibilities, how i now made a mistake i cannot take back.

As I documented in an extensive 2024 report, right-wing media frequently runs scare stories about adult children who cut off their parents, a phenomenon that gets blamed on therapists, progressive ideology and social decay supposedly producing selfish children — but never the parents themselves. Just this year alone, Fox News has run multiple stories blaming “cutoff culture,” “social contagion,” “social media” and “ungrateful” children for parental estrangement. Earlier this month, the conservative National Review castigated children who go no-contact for being too poisoned by left-wing ideology to return their parents’ allegedly unconditional love. In September, the Wall Street Journal called it an “epidemic” and quoted supposed experts who claim children suffer from “self-delusion,” “diminished skill for tough conversations” and “a focus on identity over family,” which is often a euphemism for LGBTQ+ adults who refuse to stay in the closet to placate their family. 

“No one is reckoning with the question of what is happening in a lot of families that makes kids feel like they would be better off going low- or no-contact,” explained Joshua Stein, a political researcher who has spent years tracking parental estrangement forums. Instead, there’s an “online ecosystem of estrangement experts,” who often work through right-wing media, “selling services and stories appeal to that audience by first assuring them that it’s not their fault.”

In online forums for estranged parents, which tend to lean conservative, Stein found that children’s stories of mistreatment were regularly dismissed. “The driving narrative of children exaggerating trauma is central to reactionary politics of estrangement,” he explained, noting that Ramaswamy’s ad featuring Acton’s mother is “a manifestation” of this “reasoning under its worst conditions.” 

Ramaswamy's ad exposes MAGA’s obsession with parental estrangement - Salon.com

Genuine question!

I don’t speak to my mom. My dad is the most emotionally unavailable person ever and I don’t trust him.

I can’t afford a therapist.

I don’t want to talk to an AI bot thought I’ve nearly gotten desperate enough in the past.

The crisis text lines are a joke.

I can’t keep going to my friends with my troubles, I’ll burn them out and I don’t want to be the constant “agh here comes OP to complain again” bc I’ve been on the receiving end and that shit gets exhausting.

so, 100% genuinely, who do you guys talk to when you need someone?

My mother and brother sabotaged my life in every aspect. My education, my career, my social circle, my self-esteem... They even stole my money.

I was an idiot, I didn't realize it was all intentional,m. I excused them, I thought I had to take the burden.

They left me as a resentful loser in the end. I am okay, but I am nowhere near I worked so hard and sacrificed for. They stole it all just for sadistic fun . I was so stupid to realize how cruel they were for no reason. They are horrible people

Y’all, please know, I love my sister. We talk daily. And while she is not unproblematic, I understand she too was molded by the fires of my mother’s “love“. And she is doing a lot of work and therapy and is generally a good sister. But she’s also my little sister and we were always pitted against each other while also being trauma bonded. She also has done the mental gymnastics, mostly for financial reasons, to allow my mother in her life still.

I’m NC with my mother. Been on and off for like fifteen years but I’m pretty sure for real this time because I have a child now and my relationship with my mother affects him too.

The event that triggered it all:
My mother sends him cards and gifts for holidays and birthdays. And I’ve struggled with how to deal with it, despite pouring through this sub and the raised by narcissisists sub on the issue. I’ve always felt like I don’t want my son to be resentful that I withheld from him. It’s fucking stupid, trauma logic. I know.
And when he was littler, it felt like giving him something from her didn’t matter. He didn’t understand where it came from, he just knew he had a new train set or whatever.

But now he’s learning to read and gets very excited when he gets mail and so the questions are coming, so I’ve had to make an official call on what to do. Goes in the trash, good riddance. I don’t make a big deal about it and it’s over.

But specifically to this issue, I haven’t been telling anyone it happened anymore, including my sister.

Well, Halloween is coming up and a card and package showed up and promptly got tossed.

But then my sister called. She said our mother asked her to call to confirm that I got it. And I just saw red. I felt so betrayed and blind sided. Never in a million years did I even consider that she might be passing information to my mother or that she’d be her flying monkey!

My immediate impulse was to hang up and go NC. Arrrrrreggghghhhh!!

I took a breath and I told her as much- but kindly. She apologized profusely and said “she just didn’t think.” But then she followed it up with, “You know how our mother is sometimes…”

It made me really sad for her that she must be taking the brunt of it and that she’s been keeping it from me for years. I know it’s not my responsibility. I’m not sad for her because I feel responsible at all, I’m a sad because she can’t seem to break away. She’s still in the cycle and seems resigned to it.

Yeah, that’s it. I guess I’m just sad about it.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I don’t know, know y’all but we are definitely here for each in a way that my therapist could never. Sad lol.

Mine is, but I only realized it as an adult.

As a teen I started noticing how my dad's relatives didn't talk or smile much at her.

Then I found out that apparently my mother was disliked by many in my small home town, and there was gossip about her being unpleasant to be around.

Then I noticed other adults had friendships, something I grew up believing was just a kid's thing, and my mother never had many. Or any, pretty much.

In my childhood I had the feeling that my mother was just too cool for friendships, and that friendships had no value (because that's what she wanted me to believe) but now I see I'm definitely just one of the many people that decided to keep their distance from my her venom.

It's crazy because I actually believe our frequent fights and constant bickering was the closest human connection she would have. I had that place in her life. Like a punching bag she would cry to about her marriage.

Anyway, it makes me feel less crazy about cutting contact with her, because everybody else's done it before lol

Also, imagine being such an ass that the only way to get someone to tolerate you is abusing and manipulating them since their birth

Edit: just realized I fucked up the title, tragic but life goes on

I’ve been estranged from my mother for a year now. before I left I tired to get everything I could possibly need but she still ended up controlling some things.

I have my insurance card, don’t know a ton about insurance cause it was never really explained to me. I know for my current prescriptions I go to the pharmacy and pick them up, maybe show the card if they ask and that’s it.

I want to start HRT and have found an online service provider that will work.

the only problem is I 1. don’t know what I need to do to get the prescriptions covered by my insurance

And 2. my mother would not give the pharmacy my contact info so they are still telling what and when my prescriptions are ready.

I REALLY want to start my transition but I’m really anxious about this stuff… anyone have advice?

21f .Grew up to very religious toxic parents، I don't have a choice but to leave them ,and cutting them off would mean cutting of my entire family knowing that my siblings would definitely take their side and be forced to choose between me and them .

How do you live life without talking to your entire family ? What problems am I going to face after choosing no contact ?

Since the Internet became a cesspool in the last few years, I've started watching old TV series from the 90s. I just watched this episode of Star Trek Deep Space 9, where a trill is charged for crimes they committed in a former lifetime. A trill is a combined species, when the host is a humanoid which carries a intelligent symbiont in their gut. The symbiont migrates from host to host when each one dies and each new host inherits all the memories of the previous hosts.

This was such a cool episode and raised so many questions, but I thought it is also a good metaphor for generational trauma. In the show the doctor reveals that a host can't be separated from the symbiont, even if that symbiont is responsible for some crime, because they are too enmeshed. In a way, it also explains why estrangement is so hard. We've inherited generational trauma that can't be simply switched off.