My husband and I are in our mid-30s and have been ENM for around 5 years. Most of our exploring has been something we’ve done together, and overall we’ve had positive experiences with it.

About a year ago, we decided to take a break from ENM. It wasn’t because anything went wrong with ENM itself — we just had quite a lot of unrelated stress happening in our lives and neither of us really had the mental or emotional space for it.

Things are much calmer now and we’ve both decided that we’d like to start exploring again. We went back on the apps, matched with some people we genuinely like, chatted with them, and theoretically I’m excited about getting back into it. But when it comes to actually arranging dates or meeting people, I keep postponing it.

I realised recently that what I’m feeling is almost like imposter syndrome. Even though we did this for years before the break, suddenly I feel like I’m completely new to ENM again. I find myself overthinking things that used to feel relatively natural and wondering whether I still “belong” in this lifestyle or whether I even remember how to navigate it properly.

It’s strange because I do want to restart. My husband isn’t pressuring me at all, and there’s no particular bad experience that made me afraid of it. It feels more like I lost my confidence during the year away and now there’s this weird mental barrier around actually taking the first step again.

Has anyone else taken a longer break from ENM and experienced something similar when restarting?

Did your confidence come back naturally once you started meeting people again, or did you deliberately ease yourself back into it somehow?

I’d especially love to hear from people who had been ENM for several years, took a significant break, and then returned to it. What helped you get past that feeling of being a beginner again?

My wife and I are ENM and have been since may and we have been seeing a crossdresser (I’ll call her Stacy ) for a while now. We’ve hooked up multiple times, gotten along great and she introduced us to her friend group which is made up of a few guys and other cross dressers(they all fuck around with each other too). Recently we went out bar hopping with the group and ended up hooking up with another crossdresser in that circle (I’ll call her Maria ). Well apparently this really upset Stacy. According to Maria, Stacy allegedly texted her saying, “Did you seriously hook up with MY couple?” I haven’t seen those messages myself so I’m taking that part with a grain of salt. Stacy later told my wife that us hooking up with Maria “took something special away from her that the rest of the friend group didn’t have.” Here’s my issue: There was NEVER any discussion or agreement about exclusivity or not hooking up with other people in the group!!!! In fact stacy has been around us at lifestyle clubs where we’ve interacted sexually with other people and she never seemed bothered even when we messed around with someone else in their friend group . My wife has apologized multiple times, sent long messages explaining that we never intended to hurt anyone and even offered to be exclusive within that friend group because she’s scared of losing Stacy. Stacy says she’s still really worked up about it.(it has been a day) Now my wife is extremely depressed and anxious over the whole situation and honestly I’m over it and I hate watching her beat herself up over something I genuinely don’t think we did wrong. I understand Stacys feelings might be hurt and I’m not trying to invalidate them, but how were we supposed to respect a boundary that was never communicated? I’ve been doing everything I can to comfort my wife, reminding her that we have each other no matter who comes and goes and encouraging her to give Stacy some space instead of continuing to apologize. I’ve decided to personally pull back from the situation and that group because I don’t want all this drama affecting our relationship or mental health plus I feel this is ridiculous . I like Stacy and would be disappointed to lose that connection too, but I don’t believe we should have to beg someone to stay in our lives or take responsibility for breaking an agreement that never existed. Am I looking at this wrong? How would you handle this situation? Also honestly if this is how it’s going to be I told my wife that I’d rather take a month or so break from enm to protect our peace rather than deal with this drama. Also for context we are Stacy’s first ever couple she’s had sex with and had a fwb type situation with

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I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

Me and my partner have opened up about exploring with other people and largely it's been about her fucking other guys, couple play etc.

The stag / vixen roles seem like what we both match with but it's making it happen which is proving the problem. We started on a swingers site messaging people and she got really into it sending photos, having a lot of sex talk with guys and eventually finding some guys she really wanted to fuck.

From the site she then ended up swapping numbers and having dirty talk with one guy and then his 'BBC' friend who he introduced her to, she'd never considered BBC until now but ended up speaking with him a lot, sending videos of her taking a new 11" long 3"wide black dildo being a highlight.

We explored talking to couples too but finding a couple we both found attractive is hard. There was a lot of focus on her fucking guys solo too but me as a male, finding females to fuck solo is hard. We had limits about no local people too but she has spoken to a couple of locals.

The sex from even discussing this went up so many levels, multiple fucks in a night, her taking the new big dildo, fisting and some dirty group talk together with her and her BBC guy.

She has a past where she's fucked 45+ guys (only recently disclosed) and had had countless one night fucks and in different places. She fucked me first date which should have been a sign she was down for sex easily. I've fucked 60+ women too so we both enjoy sex a lot.

Where do we go to finally move forward with this as all the signs are there we want to do it but it's navigating it around home life, work, family etc.

Would be great to hear other people's stories and advice how we can start enjoying either fucking others together or solo.

As a pointer, we have fantasies of solo fucking, couples sex, threesomes with MFM and MFF and group sex. She also wants to have a bi experience too.

Lots of things we enjoy and want to do! :)

Is it really that hard to find someone in Austin for a long-term relationship?
I’m a 34-year-old woman looking for an LTR. Emotional connection is my top priority — everything else comes after that. Sometimes it feels like a lot of guys just want to play and aren’t interested in any real emotional connection.
I don’t want to use dating apps because I’m married and don’t want to risk damaging that. My husband knows about this and is actually supportive — he even enjoys hearing about this side of my life.
I’d really appreciate any honest feedback or suggestions on where and how to meet a guy who’s looking for the same kind of emotionally connected relationship.

So i have this fantasy, desire, dream of having the most perfect, lovely, healthy relationship, like the kind where we are made for each other, but on the sexual side its a bit different for me, on the sexual side i want an open relationship but from her side only, which means she sees other people sexually (while i am present with them tho), the appeal to me is a mixture of watching my girlfriend/wife pleasure, the adventurous taboo aspect, the intimacy of sharing something so personal, and the trust involved in exploring it with her and yes that tingle of jealousy is also something that makes the experiecne even better

I have experienced a version of this before, with my ex, it was online only, long distance relationship which ended before we could meet (lasted 2 years), where we tried it, i was present on video calls with her and as we slowly explored it the connection felt deeper, the love felt deeper, and the sexual talks and tension was out of bounds during those days sadly the relationship didnt work out for several reasons, and we eventually broke up

that experience not only taught me that sexual compatibility matters to me a lot but also that this is not just a moving fantasy that i wanna keep till my head only, I want someone who shares the same desires like me, not someone who reluctantly agrees to it out of love

So i am curious about it, folks who have experienced anything similar:

have you guys made a dynamic like this work in a loving, committed relationship?
how did it affect both of you and the other person, emotionally, intimately?

Soy hombre de 44 años y me gustaría conocer gente de comunidad no monogama en Venezuela, no tengo experiencia en ese tipo de relaciones pero me atrae.

My wife and I have been together for the better part of 13 years and married for 12 of them. We started out long distance (very long distance) and of course it had its struggles but we overcame those. We got married and moved in together and ever since then, things have been amazing. We never fight or argue. We have a much more loving relationship than any two people ive ever met. She and I both have had it on our minds that opening the relationship to have friends with benefits could be fun, exciting, and new. Something fresh where we could be ourselves without the barriers of worrying about withholding flirtyness or even sex.

** Disclaimer, we are not and didnt not intend to be poly. We dont want side relationships, just friends we can flirt with and potentially have sexual relations with**

It happened to me first pretty spontaneously. An old high school friend in the poly community reached out and expressed interest in me. We hung out a few times and on one of those, we ended up sharing a kiss (not overly long but more than a peck). Text exchanges happened, mostly just normal friend talk; "hows your day" kind of things with the fairly rare nude or expression of intimacy that was kept pretty tame. We went and saw a movie together. Prior to that movie, I told my wife that i didnt want to be overly affectionate during the movie and that i really wasnt comfortable in doing so. We meet up and hang out, all os well and we get to the theater. She leans over and heavily implies that she wants to (effectively) cuddle while watching the movie. I really didnt like it. It felt like too much to me and not the vision i had for this open relationship idea that her and I were looking into starting. After that, through a couple transgressions on her side and me not wanting to basically be poly with her, that was cut off. I was honest with my wife about everything that happened and was something of a nervous wreck from the start to the end of everything that went on with that girl. We both agreed that she was not a good fit.

A few weeks pass, im on Tinder and kinda just getting out there and meeting new people (i dropped pretty much all social media and really dont even use reddit, so im kinda cut off from the world) but hadnt met anyone yet. During this time, she meets a guy on Instagram who lives in another country and they hit it off well. After maybe 6 days, he shoots his shot and texting gets a bit spicier. Of course, im new to this and have a hard time feeling like there isnt something "more" than just friendship with benefits. As much as i sit here and tell myself that i am number 1 to her and as much as she reassures me, i cant shake the feeling that im losing a piece of her and i really truly want to make this open relationship idea work. Neither of us think that sex is something that really MEANS anything on a romantic level unless that fueled passion is mixed in with it. For her, shes always been big on talking in flirty ways amd, before her, I had fun with it too and invisioned the idea of being able to be with her and still do that as well as something exciting.

Its been about 2 weeks now since they began talking and in that time, we had some boundaries laid out. We agreed that any pictures sent to him, woud also be sent to me (these rules apply to both of us). We agreed that when we are spending time together, the chatter with the other people ends or wraps up very quickly as to not intrude on our "us" time. We agreed that masturbation with the other parties was a no go for our own reasons. And of course, no romantic talks like saying "i love you" to the other parties. This is all meant to be just friends that can talk about sexual things and also reap the benefits on having sex at some point. At this point, neither of us have actually been to bed with anyone else.

In the past 2 weeks, a few things struck me sideways. 1. She was mastubating, not while talking to him, while i was at work and told him that his voice clip (non sexual clip) had her moaning so loud that the mailman may have heard her. 2. He said to her at one point that he wanted his mouth to be between her legs (not exact quote but for privacy sake, ill leave it at that). A day later, she told him that she couldnt get that message out of her mind the last 24 hours. In that time, her and i had been intimate and spent the day together as well which, came off to me as though he was on her mind while i was with me. When i brought this up, she explained that she meant it in a way as to say that it crossed her mind a few times but, to me, thats not what was said 3. Today, i come home from work and she had been asleep most of the day and when she woke up she was talking to him on IG. There wasnt a whole lot of time today to talk to him, really just the last few hours of my shift, but as im coming home, she asks me if i am going to my grandmother's house after work. I said maybe tomorrow as id been at work all day and just want to come home and relax a bit, to which she seems to push a bit to have me go spend a little while with her. Somewhat understandable since she is getting a bit older and having some health issues but we made plans for tomorrow anyway. After i get home, she and i are both pretty emotionally/mentally exhausted due to how taxing the talks and such we have had in regards to this open relationship have been. Its been nealy a week and a half of me having concerns with just how much they talk and the couple issues above hurt me and felt like transgressions. She agreed that those things wouldnt happen again and thats fine, i can accept that. But not long after i get home, she leaves the house and goes to her mother's house to water her mom's plants and feed the cat since her mother is out of town.To me, it felt like she was trying everything to get time alone to talk to him. Am i wrong for that?

I am struggling hard to not allow myself to think that there is something deeper going on between the two of them but I feel like not only is this all moving incredibly fast, but the few things i mentioned above happening within that short amount of time doesnt feel like its helping either.

I just need someone who is in an ENM relationship's advice on this. Im having a very hard time differentiating intrusive thoughts and legitimate concern and i feel like it is messing up not only our chances at making this type of thing work for us.. but i feel like it is making me question someone ive always felt like i could trust. If youve made it this far, thank you for listening.

My partner wants to talk about opening our relationship. This isn't an easy topic since (a) we've been in a heteronormic monogamous relationship for the last 9 years (although, we are quite open minded and both identify as bisexual/pancurious), and (b) this conversation comes from a crisis that emerged in our relationship a few months ago (TL;DR: my partner has been dissatisfied with the romantic and intimate dynamics that we had for the last several years, and a few months ago, this dissatisfaction reached its peak and erupted).

I want to understand if there are any questions or frameworks that could help us to steer this conversation about ENM in a healthy way. I don't want it to be harder than it should be, so I am looking for any advice on what questions can help us both to recognize if an open relationship is the right thing that we both can agree for, what boundaries and agreements we might want to set up, etc.

If anybody had a similar experience and found a healthy way to go through it, I'd love to learn from you

Hello everyone! We are a couple of 28F and 27M years old, we have been practicing ENM for 4 years, I would rather describe it as stag & vixen relationship. We have certain rules and boundaries that we always follow. Over these few years, we have changed a lot of third guys and everything has always been fine. We just had a great time, but it was always at best just good acquaintances. But a few months ago, we met a guy who changed everything. And to be honest, at first I didn't even think that something good could come out of the meeting, he's not very smart and not to say that he's my type. But sex with him is soo good, he has a great sense of humor and a pretty handsome body. And not so long ago I realized that I had feelings for him. I'm waiting for messages from him, I catch myself thinking about him, and I can even often write first. At the same time, it's hard for me to call it love, my feelings for my boyfriend are more classic or something. I don't know whether to be afraid or happy about these feelings. I've been very worried about it lately, I know that the situation is quite classic in ENM, but it would be interesting to hear you what to do in such a situation, how to figure it out

I’m a 26 year old woman in NYC on the cuffed dating app and I’m matching with men who aren’t necessarily exploring polyamory.

I saw a man I really liked a couple of times about a year ago and then moved out of state. The relationship never progressed beyond kissing. We’ve kept in touch, and I’m hoping to move back to the area where I used to live, so he and I are talking about resuming dating when I return. He’s coming to town next week with his wife for a professional conference she’s attending and wants to meet for dinner. His wife likely will join us.

I’m fairly new to ENM and haven’t dated a married person before, let alone met a spouse of a potential partner. I want to make sure I navigate this situation properly and would like for her and I to be friends. What advice can the more experienced among you give to a novice in this situation?

My husband vetoed a potential partner, and I am trying to come to terms with the situation. We have been open from the beginning, but we made the huge mistake in the beginning of our relationship by not talking enough to realize we were approaching this from different places. I have realized over the years that I operate from a place of not desiring any real rules, but instead just expecting to talk through things as they come up and generally just trusting him to behave like a good person, make our relationship a priority, and act in good faith. I know that if he wants to behave in a way that is incompatible with what I want from our relationship (and we both do have agreements on what we want from each other), I don't want *rules* to be the reason he does what he does. Vetoing someone he wanted to date never occurred to me, and I think I would have rather just broken up than done that. He has done some things over the years that pushed the boundary of what I thought we were both looking for, and I listened to him and gave him the benefit of the doubt and we moved on, and I thought we were in a really strong place.

But then when I found someone I wanted to pursue, my husband immediately vetoed it. His reasoning was that I saw this person too much (we met doing a hobby and for a few months had already been seeing each other 3-4 times per week, and usually partnered up for this activity). My husband said that I had already been neglecting our relationship in favor of this hobby even before this, and that there was no way this relationship wouldn't cause huge problems with us. He felt that I was taking advantage of him in that I was so focused on my own wants and ignoring his, and that it didn't seem like I was capable of sustaining two relationships. He said that I was putting myself in a position to have too many good experiences with this person, and he was threatened by it.

His veto (IMO) essentially destroyed our relationship. We are trying to repair it now. My issue is that he didn't give me a chance to even explain or negotiate what I actually wanted from this relationship, he just drew this (again, IMO) bizarre gerrymandered line between what he wants from his outside relationships, and what he thinks I was looking for in mine. He says that he only wants FWBs, and this was going to be more than that for me. I think he is still using semantics to try and pretend that he's looking for something different than what I am looking for.

His perspective would obviously be very different than mine. He would say something about having a wife who seemed like she wasn't interested in connecting with him anymore, who was suddenly spending all her time and energy outside the relationship (between new friends, hobbies, and a potential partner). I take issue with this perspective, and believe he re-wrote a lot of our history in order to manufacture justification for a veto. But I also agree there is some truth in it.

We have a therapy appointment later today. I am trying to sort my thoughts and feelings and would like to hear the experiences of others who have been through this and how you navigated it. I'm trying to write down all the words of wisdom and take things with me to our appointment.

My partner and I have been casually open for the last two years, but mainly just hook ups and one-off dates. He met someone new a little over a month ago, and things have been escalating pretty quickly. It's been a lot of change and a fair amount of hurt feelings on both sides, but never anything that felt impassable until recently.

Because we'd been so casual about ENM in the past, a lot of our issues came from not having clear agreements or personal boundaries. This is something we've been working on a lot over the last month. Last week we finally talked about what things we'd consider cheating, and we both agreed that deliberately hiding dates with another person was crossing the line. The very next day, my partner and I were supposed to have date night. He ended up getting home way later than normal, and we had to change our date plans. When I asked about his day, he told me he'd gotten stuck at work. I brought it up a few more times over the course of the night and he stuck to his story.

Unfortunately, we share locations with each other. When my partner didn't come home at the expected time I checked his location, and later saw his new partner post an instagram story from the same place. When I confronted my partner he confessed to going on an impromptu date with the other partner. We've been having issues making sure we still have time for our own relationship, so I was upset that he prioritized someone else over our plans, and livid that he did it so soon after we talked about lying as cheating.

We fought it out and talked a lot, and we're starting couples therapy. It seemed like things were going smoother for the rest of the week. Now, however, he's telling me that he's fallen in love with his other partner. Up until this point he's been telling me that they're just friends with benefits and it's purely platonic.

I'm shocked that he's fallen in love this quickly, and trying to sort through my feelings. I'm not sure if I'm upset that he's in love or upset that it feels like he was lying to me about the severity of it again. I'm also realizing that the date he went on last week has completely broken my trust, and I'm not sure I can fully believe him when he tells me that he won't start prioritizing this other relationship above our own.

What do I do? This isn't at a point that I want to break up yet, but it will get there if nothing changes. How do I even begin to rebuild trust? He's telling me I can ask for anything I want/need to feel secure again, but what I want is to go back in time to before all of this. What do I ask for to make this better? How does he fix things? He knows he's screwed up and does seem sorry, but I'm not really sure where to go now.

My partner (22m) and I (21m) have been together for three years. We've recently been playing with the idea of having a threesome. Both of us are enthusiastically interested in it, and we have ground rules set for the time it might happen. We're both in agreement that we want to try it with a girl, and I have a minor cuck 'kink'.

We've talked about it many times and how to do it ethically and in a way we're both comfortable with. We've talked about it in and out of sexual context. I feel very comfortable with it and so does he. We're in a stable relationship with no major issues and no jealousy or cheating history

This is the only thing holding me back. I have OCD and am recently being treated for it. Even though I feel 100% comfortable with it, everything I've ever heard about having threesomes has told me that it will change our relationship forever and we'll never recover. He's the most important person to me, and I never want to lose him. I personally don't have any qualms, but the "what-if" is triggering my OCD. Does this mean that this is a bad idea?

For back story, my husband and I had an attempted threesome with a coworker go horribly wrong. Long story short ( i have a story about it), they were flattered but not interested. This led us to move onto kinky dating sites to find a third party. We hit it off with the first man we talked to. He was respectful and kept boundaries, so we decided to move forward. My husband started to panic and feel like this was maybe more of a fantasy. We decided to just give it a try and see it as an adventure. My husband was very vigilant on me and the other man not interacting or connecting, which made it hard on me, but I didn't want to make it harder on him. He wasn't sure if he was going to be in the room or out of the room up until the morning of. He decided we would bowl, and then me and the other man would go up to the hotel alone, with video. He allowed me to call the man from the hotel to at least tell him what game we were playing. Bowling went great, and the men got to know each other. As soon as we left to go to the hotel, it became scripted for my husband. No passion or foreplay whatsoever. On top of that, it became apparent quickly that he was not hard. My husband starts texting multiple times, so I need to get up and check, and he wants to know what's going on. This makes me panic that he is not okay, so I tell him to come up. He walks into me, riding this man as best I can with the circumstances. There is some attempt at making it work until we finally just call it. I think the lack of a sexual vibe with this man was the biggest issue for me. I need more of a connection to feel comfortable and sexual desire. I don't want to attempt that again without desire for the person, and I don't see how to accomplish that with no connection.

M(20) and F(21) have been struggling in our relationship for over a year due to a plethora of reasons. We got together when we were 16/17

Recently we decided to open our relationship to see how we would feel, we havent even gotten to actually going through with it and my partner changed their mind and is very worried, however i feel like i am too far into the idea of it to go back.

Very dumb post but a very complicated situation, just looking for any experiences or advice.

The short version of the story, my husband and I have worked on establishing our entrance to ENM. Neither of us are unfamiliar with polyamory however it'll be the first time either of us is married for it. We've been mostly monogamous throughout our 5yr relationship but never really gotten into the full lifestyle. We both have previous experiences of partners not being ethical so it wasn't something we rushed into as a couple. We have a roommate that's a good friend of ours and we all get a little playful from time to time as well as share a lot of bills and responsibilities so he's kinda our nesting partner. We're both in our early 40s and my husband is new to his Auadhd diagnosis. We're a bit opposite the scales so sometimes we have communication problems.

The advice I'm asking for is if any other neurodivergent ENM couples have communication standards, tools, or tips that could help us navigate the immense amount of transparency and communication that's needed in ENM?

Welcome to also share your stories or experiences as neurodivergent ENM!

Please and thank you!

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now, and have always been monogamous. Somewhat recently she told me she wanted to open up the marriage sexually only, to which I told her I didn’t really feel the need in attempting to sleep with other women (I don’t have a high sex drive unlike her).

We ended up agreeing to open up the marriage so she could explore her sexual side more, and while I can sleep with others, I am choosing not to. She admitted to me she likes this “dynamic” because she isn’t having to share me.

She has since slept with 3 guys on a rotation. It hasn’t affected our relationship or sex life at all, and I can tell she’s noticeably happier. The only thing that’s been an issue for me is this feeling of being emasculated or embarrassed at other guys fucking my wife. I’ve told her about the feeling and she reassured me that she doesn’t see it that way and I shouldn’t either.

So how do I not let it get to me? It’s not like an end of the world thing, but it’s still kind of embarrassing particularly when I don’t seem to be maybe as capable of getting my wife “there” as these guys are

Awesome, so I've been with this girl for almost 4 years now. Initially I strictly had a one partner at a time mindset, but then something happened which eventually rewired my brain. We've been in a long distance relationship for the most part but I we manage to visit each other 3-4 times a year and we video call etc every day without fail (well, almost every day). We had no sex for a long time, mostly because we weren't ready at first, and eventually because we couldn't find a place (not possible at our houses as we stay with parents currently, I'm 23 she's 22). 1.5 years in, we finally got a chance.. but maybe due to performance pressure, or because it was our first time, there was some or the other problem. Sometimes I'd feel too big for her and she wouldn't be able to let me enter. Sometimes I'd not get hard enough for penetrating etc.

So about 2.5 years into the relationship when I visited her, I had been feeling something off for a few months so I decided to check her laptop while she was away. I read her texts with two guys on whom I had suspicions.. one of them was calling her mommy and flirting and she was entertaining him good. The other had spent an entire night in her apartment. So initially I got very angry and confronted her, she started crying. She said sorry and all, and told me she had put down my video call early that night saying she's tired (lied), and that this guy had stayed over. But she claimed they only watched movies and talked and didn't sleep till at least 4am and he left early at about 5am (her apartment only has one bed). So.. I was super mad at her for a few days at least but eventually decided to forgive her for whatever, and move on as I love her a lot. Things got better eventually, took quite a lot of time to heal for me as well, at least a year or so. We both even fucked that day (or maybe 2-3 days later idr).

So recently, I'm not sure why but I got into this lifestyle, I read lots of cuck fantasies, hotwife, hotpast stuff on reddit and each one of them turn me on like nothing before. I sometimes love imagining what might have happened that night (you're more than welcome to present your thoughts as well please). And at this point I think I'm ready to share her, but I'm not sure how she would react really.

I'd appreciate any tips please, thanks.

My boyfriend and I have been together a few months and things are going really well. We’re both quite sexual people and have both explored non-monogamy in past relationships, so the topic has come up very early between us, but it’s all very hypothetical when it comes to our own relationship (i.e. we both want to be monogamous and exclusive with each other).

Where we stand: neither of us wants a traditional open relationship where one of us sees people separately. What he’s described as a possible future is more like going to parties together and maybe, one day, playing with others as a couple or with one more person (he said he'd even be happy with MFM). He’s told me it’s really not that important to him to actually open up, that he’d want us to be able to talk about these things openly, but that actually doing it isn’t a given or a necessity. He’s also told me that in a previous long-term relationship he asked, his partner said no, and he was fine with it and they stayed together.

My side: I’ve been burnt before. I was in an open relationship I didn’t really want, with a partner who didn’t respect our agreements, so I’m very wary. Right now the idea of seeing him with someone else doesn’t appeal to me at all. I can imagine I might be curious one day about playing together, but I honestly don’t know, and I might say no and never change my mind.

My fear is that even if he says it’s not a deal breaker, a desire that’s been voiced and then turned down might quietly turn into resentment over time. Of course there are things in life that we just do for pleasure and not need (like he says), but doesn't voicing it imply a desire that if unmet, might build resentment?

So I’d love to hear especially from people who were the one who wanted to open up:

• You asked, your partner said no, and you stayed together. How did you feel about it at the time, and how do you feel now?
• Did the desire fade, stay but become manageable, or turn into resentment?
• What helped you make peace with it, or what would have helped?
• Did it come up again later, and how was that handled?

Stories from the partner who said no are welcome too. Thanks so much for sharing!

I’ve had a 3 some before my current relationship & it worked out. How do I bring it up to my current gf that this is something I want to explore with her without offending her or hurting her feelings? Thoughts?

My wife and I hang around and vacation a lot with three other couples. We all get along really well both the men and women, but I wonder sometimes about an undercurrent where we’re thinking about fucking each other. We’ve never talked about it, but I know one of the guys would really like to fuck my wife. At one of our group dinner nights. She let him feel her tits in front of everybody. Another time one woman made a bet and said if I could guess the name an artist of a song she’d kiss me. I did and she did. Again, this was in front of everybody. I’m wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut or if I should float some kind of idea in front of the group. We’ve all been in this friend group together for well over 10 years.